\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/21
Review Requests: ON
3,345 Public Reviews Given
3,393 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
<    ...  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  ...   >
501
501
Review of Summer, 1970  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Rebecca
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Pardon me while I dab my eyes. It always amazes me that something small in a story can do this to me.

         Actually, I saw a review of this in my Anniversary Reviews forum, and knew I had to read it. I'm a 20 year Veteran, but never served against an enemy. My time was spent on Submarines, but I know it wasn't wasted.

         This is beautiful. We learn so much from children, they are wise beyond their years. Probably from their innocence. Thank you for writing and sharing this. It was a treat to read.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
502
502
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey JLionheart,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice start to a much longer work, as your description mentions. But it needs some work, even standing alone. Essentially, this is a synopsis of a much larger body of work, one that seems to need written. You leave a reader with a lot of questions about this, so I will list a few I have.

1. Why is the president alone? Even if a nuclear war, or non-nuclear world war type of conflict had happened, someone would still be with the president. Not just secret service agents (who may have succumbed to various things), but his cabinet/assistants, someone from the military, etc. I doubt he would be entirely alone.

2. What happened here?

3. Where is everyone else? Surely he's not alone in the world.

4. I can see him (them) foraging for food, but why? Again, what's happened to cause all this?

5. Where does he live, where is he now?

         There's a lot more, but I will leave you with that. However, I have other comments. You do a lot of telling here. You need to describe him some, as well as where he's at. Mentioning "There might be Things looking at him from the dark -- Things with starting, staring, hungry eyes." just tells the reader that yes, there are things he should fear. What are they? Describe those featureless eyes, tell us what's behind those eyes. Describe the danger he faces every day. In other words, show us more, don't just tell us. A phrase I'm sure you've heard many times.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
503
503
Review of Viva Las Vegas!  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Ima,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I see that you loved your trip to Las Vegas. Or so I assume. *Smile* I've never been to a show in Vegas, nor do I have a desire to see one. It's just not something I want to do, not on my bucket list.

         This is well written, especially since English is not your native tongue. I will not comment much on it, other than to say there are a couple of very minor errors. Overall though, it's well written. Your thoughts about Vegas are easy to follow, your love of the shows obvious in your writing. Well done!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
504
504
Review of Goodbye 2015  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Shamrock*"Congrats! This is a gift for your ticket # in the Over the Rainbow Raffle"*Shamrock*



Hey Jen,
         I love it when someone writes about the past year, or their goals for the coming year. It's not something I've ever done, and I'm not sure why. This is very good, but it does need a little minor editing. The most basic thing I saw, was an overuse of the number 2015. I've commented on it below, but wanted to say that was the thing that hit me most. My other comments are as follows....



Title:  Very apt for this letter.



Description:   You can make this a little stronger by removing the mention of Writer's Cramp. This will allow you to let readers know a little more about what to expect when they read it.



Grammar:  There were a couple of minor grammar issues, one due to a typo, and the other the wrong usage of a word.




My Favorite Part:  The pride I saw as you related how your family managed to fare so well in 2015.





General Comments:  

1. You overused 2015 in this letter. I counted 10 usages' of the number, sometimes twice in one of your paragraphs. It made the read a little redundant is all.

2. My other two are maturing and I see it in them that they are following in their sisters footsteps and they to are growing up so fast! The word to after they should be too.

3. I feel that I have grown as you have gone on through out the year 2015, I feel that I have learned a lot of things that I will take into 2016 with me. Through out should be one word. Here's an example where the second usage of 2015 is redundant. Here's an example of a minor change. I feel that I have grown as you have gone on throughout this year, I feel that I have learned a lot of things that I will take into 2016 with me.

4. a new chance to make out lives better and work together as a family to grow and become even stronger! It seems that out should be our.

5. I do no have regrets..I just know that this year has been hell and we are ready for some good in our lives. It seems like no should be not in this line.



Overall impressions:  A nice letter to the year 2015, explaining why she will not miss the previous year.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
505
505
Review of LET ME DOWN  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hello there Countrymom,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         In running the Anniversary Reviews forum, I've started to honor at least one deserving author each month. Usually it's someone involved in the forum. When I saw that your Anniversary is this month; there was no other choice, at least in my opinion.

         This is beautiful. That's the only way to describe it. The flow, the rhythm, the rhyme all fit well. I was especially touched by the single, last line. Love happens, as you describe in this poem, it grows, flourishes, and sometimes, fades away. I find it very sad in many ways, but have learned to accept it as a fact of life. One thing I do know, you can't make someone love you. You said he let you down easy, I'm glad of that.

         There's a lot that could be read in to this poem too though. This could be about life. Fall, you meet and fall in love. Live a long life together. Winter, the hard times of youth, happiness abounds. Spring, the new love you discover at mid-age. But he left. Perhaps he passed away at that time. Dang I hope not,. But all this could be read into this poem, depending on how you want to look at it.


         Thank you for an inspirational read this morning. I hope you have a great day!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
506
506
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Robin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         There is absolutely no way I can let this day go by without sending you an Anniversary Review! Anything about our military gets to me, this poem is no exception. Though I'm not a big fan of a repetitive line or words in a poem, it's necessary here. I loved the flow of this, and the many ways you described how our servicemen have died in wars. The rhyme/rhythm was spot on if you ask me. Some lines seemed a little long, but it didn't affect the flow, at least for me. I did see a couple of very minor things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. There's an extra empty line between the 3rd and 4th verses.

2. In looking it over, I thought how nice, and slightly different it would be, to end this poem by repeating the first verse. Except, lines 3 and 4 would be lines 1 and 2, and vice versa.


Yes, my life ended late last night
in a far away land whose heartblood is torn.
I shall not pass this way again,
least not in any earthen form


3. The current last line of the poem seems to need a little editing. The way it's currently written, God's should be plural. I died fighting for freedom, that's the God's honest truth! It seems you can remove the word 'the' before God's.


         Excellent poem, thank you for the inspirational read.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
507
507
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Bianca,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         First and foremost, my comments are not meant to be rude or cruel, just honest. And to be honest, I'm not sure what type of poem this is, or what message you're trying to send with it. Yes, it's a nice poem, apparently about a dream. You seem to be the new queen for a castle. And that's where my ability to relate to this poem ends. *Frown*

         If I may, here's what I see as I read this.

         1. A rhyming poem (land/stand, deep/keep, gold/behold), but also a free verse poem (air/silence, land/tree, castle/village) are examples. So there's a rhyme scheme here (using letters to show the rhyme scheme of each verse) of aabc, ddef, gghi, jklm, nop. But you can see that's there's also no rhyme scheme since the last two lines of each verse do not rhyme. I don't know of any 'rule' in poetry that says you can't do this, I'm sure there are many famous poets in history who have done this. But there's other qualities a poem must possess to really make it stand out. Rhyme is one, another is rhythm. I am not an advocate of 'every line must have the same syllable count', that's for poem formats that require it, like a Kyrielle. However, the syllable count needs to be consistent to give the poem a flow. This is the syllable count for your poem. 12/10/7/5 13/11/10/7 13/11/12/8 1010/13/9 10/14/8. So that's two things a poem should possess. A third is a message. This is probably the most important to me. And as I initially said, I fail to see the message in this poem. Having three lines in the last verse is a little odd, but Villanelle has 4 verses of three lines each, with the last verse having four. Again, I don't know of any 'rule' that says a poem must have the same number of lines in each verse. But, and that's a big but (no pun intended), the poem must flow smoothly, and must have a message. That's my opinion at least. I'm not a great poet, but I like to think I know a great, or even a good, poem when I see one. I'm sorry, but this one needs a bit of work before I could think of it as either of those. If I may be so bold, here are a couple of suggestions for a couple of your verses (syllable count in parentheses)

Descending a mountain in a far away land (12)
passing a lake, for a moment I stand (10)
Stopping to breathe in a breath of fresh air (10)
enjoying the silence with nary a care (11)

I continue my journey through a forest so deep (13)
I have to be careful, on this path I must keep (12)
to reach the valley in this faeiry land (10)
I trip and stumble, fall to my knees and hands (11)



The main thing I was trying to do there, was show you a smoother rhythm your poem could have. The next thing I'd do, is tell a story. Yes, this one does tell one, but in reading this, what emotion does it bring out in you? Poetry is all about flow (rhythm), and emotion. I've read poems that are pretty simple in message, yet their words bring me to tears. So tell us why you are now the queen, how that was important, make us FEEL the pride or joy you have at being the queen.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
508
508
Review of Goodnight  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Tracey,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, with a folder of poems like this one, it's a shame your thirteenth anniversary couldn't have fallen on Friday the 13th, huh!

         I had to read this aloud to really get the flow of it. I really enjoyed the inner rhymes in some of the lines, as well as the end rhymes. That's why I had to read it aloud, to get the real feel of it. It also made it very easy to imagine the little girl lying there on her bed. In a way, it reminded me of a story I wrote called Monsters Under Her Bed, except my character was a grown woman. But the images you created in my mind reminded me a lot of that.

         The topping for me though, was the final verse. The reversing of the first two lines seemed pure genius. Thank you for a very enjoyable read!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
509
509
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Jeff,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Being a 20 year Navy veteran myself, I'm a sap for stories like this. While I never had to fight an enemy, I was still under a lot of stress back then. Different kind of stress, but it was there.

         I found myself relating to this a bit. When I retired, it took me about 2 years to find a decent paying job. I remember going to a food bank at Thanksgiving once, and was ashamed having to do that. But you do what you have to do.

         This is well done, I loved the story, the love and support he received from his wife and daughter. Your descriptions of his service and the wounds he received were very believable. Of course I've never had PTSD, but I've heard how veteran's suffer from it. Your portrayal of his reactions to the fireworks seemed spot on. But there's a small section in this that you might want to look at, should you decide to edit it.

1. He knew the couple on the blanket one behind and two to the left of them had smuggled a bottle of booze onto the beach, despite alcohol being prohibited. The guy one in front and two to the right of them was trying his best to inch his hand up the thigh of the girl he was with, which didn't go unnoticed by Duke or the lady in question. The burly guy directly in front of them was already drunk before he got to the beach, and kept glancing sideways at Duke, sizing him up. He knew that the burly guy had a knife strapped into his cowboy boot and favored his left side. I know you're describing where the people are in relation to Duke, but the wording seems off. Maybe a comma after each group/person, before you describe where they are. It just doesn't seem to flow well.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
510
510
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the changes! It is quite a bit stronger, and a bit deeper. Well done!
511
511
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Elby,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful poem you've written. The rhyme scheme and flow are excellent, and the story of love is special. Yet as much as I really like this poem, I find it lacking something. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think I'd say it lacks depth. Don't get me wrong, I really like it. But the more I think about it, the more I get an answer, slowly but surely. Yes, it lacks depth, and in a way, emotion. Yes, it's full of love. Every line drips with your love for this woman, and that's fine. But it didn't raise any emotions in my heart or mind. It makes me mad really, that I don't feel an emotion while reading this, because it seems to be me missing something, not the poem. I will leave you with a couple of very minor things you might want to do, should you edit this.

1. Center the poem on the page. I think a poem like this looks, and maybe reads, much better when centered.

2. Insert the title in the body of the text. On top, in bold. Right now, even though the title if above everything else, the poem looks naked without it.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
512
512
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*

Hey Kim,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Great tag line for this story, "I never did like that judge." This is a pretty macabre story, full of a maniacal man who shows no remorse for his past actions. You painted him well with your words, I felt I could see him in his hoodie as he 'relaxed' in his cell. You left me wondering how he managed to plant that final bomb in the Justice Center, how he knew where he would be. Questions like that. But really, it doesn't matter much, it was entertaining. I got the impression that Irwin was a bit like Hannibal Lecter, minus the cannibalistic mannerisms. He acted self centered, non-caring about others, remorseless. Nicely told, nicely written, excellent descriptions! Happy 12th Anniversary to you my friend.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
513
513
Review of Station at Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey A.G.
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         I can see you like writing pretty short stories. I read this one, and the other I reviewed a few minutes ago. Well done on both, you do a nice job presenting the plot in a short amount of space. However, I don't feel this one is as good as the other one. Let me explain.

         You changed tenses throughout this one, whereas you were consistent in the previous one. That's not too bad really, we all do it, and will again. However, the biggest issue with this one, is it really isn't much of a story. What I mean is, it's about a man at a train station waiting for a train. Your description says 'waiting for a train that will never arrive'. Yet it did at the end of the story. I can live with that really, because you did a decent job describing his surroundings, shadows in the night, sounds made by the wind, etc. However, at the end he gets on the train, and that's it... I have to say, you leave the reader hanging with that ending. Did he arrive safely at home? He was the only passenger? (Oh, a train would have a conductor, and an Engineer, not a driver). What I'm saying is, you built this up pretty well; I was expecting a ghost train to arrive, and once he got on board and seated, the conductor would come by, except he'd be a skeleton. But, he got on board a very normal train, and the train left the station. See what I mean?

         I did see a few things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.


1. Not being from this small village and there being no places he could sleep for the night, and no other modes of transport, he had to travel home by train. This sentence is very wordy, and a bit run-on. You might consider breaking it up into at least two separate sentences, and re-wording it a little.

2. The wind went skipping down the flat line of the track, whipping innocent victims on the platforms, as it travels from station to station. Victims? I thought he was alone on the platform. This sentence is in past tense in a way, (wind went skipping), so travels should be traveled.

3. Pulling his coat tighter to protect himself from the elements, he looked down the track again, willing for the train to arrive. I think you should delete the word 'for' from this sentence. It's not needed.

4. Dripping water, from who knows where, echoed through the night. You can do a much better job describing this. If you leave as is, delete the first comma, it's not needed. But how about, Water dripped from the low overhanging eaves and landed with a loud plop in the puddle at the foot of the station's stairs.

5. Water particles floated on the oil of the railway like, and the pebbles between the wooden slats glistened like diamonds in the light of the street lamps. I think the word like (after railway) should be line.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
514
514
Review of The Wreck  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey A.G.
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty good story with a gruesome ending. It was good, but it almost seemed like your rushed through it. What I mean is, Bill discovers this wreck, his dog disappears inside it, and he goes looking for it. It's getting dark, of course it's dark inside the ship, and he foolishly flounders along. You could have built this a little more I think. What would be wrong with him going home to get a light and return to look for Tyson? Then he explores the ship, and the deck gives way on him, with the same end result. This way, you build it a little more, have a change to show us more about the inside, etc. Maybe a light would reveal pictures mounted on the bulkhead of previous captains, maybe pinups in ragged state. Perhaps he would find things that had been used by the crew. There's a lot you could do with this. As a very short story, it's fine. But it has so much to tell/show still.

         I did see one thing you may want to look at should you decide to edit this.


1. Hear heard little taps on metal getting quieter, as they moved away down the corridor. I think you meant he, not hear.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
515
515
Review of Face Of Sun  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Moon Voyager,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Well, the first thing I have to tell you, is I'm not sure where you wanted to go with this. At the same time, I liked the way it flowed, the things you were saying here. However, it is a bit obscure, hard to decipher for most people, and a little (okay, a lot) of what I call 'Out There'. That doesn't mean it's not good, or not well written, because it is. It's just hard to comprehend. I won't try to tell you how to edit it, but I do have a couple of suggestions for you.

1. This reads like a person's thoughts. How so? Here's an example. Blaze the sky...scorch the sun with a hot kiss of its own: to show it, maybe, to praise it maybe? Or maybe get tangled in its elixir, its axis, its kingdom of sky and earth or maybe itself. This is off the wall thinking, your mind just going at light speed, but the words you type don't go anywhere, which is what makes it hard to read or understand. Additionally, I've highlighted in red a repetitive word. While it's great that you can type this as your mind thinks it, read it yourself, and see what you think.

2. Unlike other stars, it does know nightfall – it knows only day. In this case here, your mind got a bit ahead of you, just like mine does. I think you left the word 'not' out, it should be inserted before know.


         A very interesting read, but very hard to understand at the same time.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
516
516
Review of The Big Race  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Kim!
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         My biggest question as I started reading this, was what did they bet, and what were they racing? I loved the small twist at the end when you answered both my questions. While I have a sweet tooth, I could never eat that many doughnuts at one sitting. I will say that in some ways, the ending doesn't jive with the rest of the story though. The contestants are in a Weight Loss Camp, but the prize is powder sugar doughnuts? I guess they snuck those in past the watchful eyes of the staff, huh! *Smile* Another small question about this. Would there only be three contestants? Where were the young girls to cheer them on, or race against them? Then again, this was the Writer's Cramp, so you may not have had enough room to add more. Well done though, I enjoyed it. You just like leaving me with questions, huh.... *Smile*





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
517
517
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Winklett,
         After my last visit (and chuckle) I had to drop back in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I've had many eye exams, but no one's ever stuck a needle in my eye. Nor have I seen an Ophthalmologist with the bedside manners this doctor had. Your physical reaction to that stress test may have been due to the momentary blindness. I'm no doctor, never want to be one, but I've seen a lot of things. From your description, I'd guess that when you lost sight during that test, you became disoriented, and 'dizzy', though sitting still you would not have felt it. Dr. Jim talking here, lol.

         His idea of testing your tear duct didn't sound too bad, but after what he'd put you through without any warning, I'd have done the same thing, and left. Actually, no. I'm one of those who just sits there and lets the test go on as the doctor wills it, lol. Once had an badly ingrown toenail cut out with no numbing beforehand, then sent back to work.

         Again, well done, I liked the flow of this. Well written with your unique sense of humor. Not sure I'd want that surgery either. *Smile*




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
518
518
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Periman,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         The original version of this is one of my all time favorite songs, whether sung by Louis Armstrong, or "Bruddah Iz" (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole). Your take on this is all too true based on today's world. I refuse to look at the dark side though, and try to see good in everything. It's not a realistic point of view, but if I look at it like you do in this beautiful poem/song, I'd never smile. Excellent work here, I love this. I did see a few small things you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. I see meadows of red, Illnesses too I know you may be looking to emphasize certain things in this, but I don't think capitalizing illnesses is needed.

2. I see skies of black , sad tears on my eyes I think you can see the need to remove that space.

3. Are also in places, Like a dreamy fake shine Again, a capitalization where it's not needed. Like should be like. Look at the last verse, second line. You do it again there.

4. They're also saying. I'll kill you. In this instance, perhaps a comma should be used after saying, with the rest inside quotation marks, since that's dialog.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
519
519
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Sharkdaddy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         First of all, Merry Christmas, and a happy Belated Birthday!

         This is very cute, reminds me a lot of a Dr. Suess type ditty. I can't imagine have a fly in my head, I'm not even sure that can happen, at least not an adult fly. *Smile* But stranger things have happened I'm sure. It seems this could be a little longer, maybe describing a trip to the doctor to remove it, having troubles getting it out perhaps, and who knows what else? Maybe it was laid eggs, etc. But kept lighthearted as it's currently written. Thanks for making me smile on Christmas morning!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
520
520
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Ms. Brooks,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Let me start by saying that I'm far from an English expert. It was my worst subject in school, and I still have a mental block about much of proper English. So one might wonder how I came to enjoy writing. To be honest, I couldn't tell you. I also never apologize for a review, never use a short phrase like this one, "Please remember, I'm just a writer like you, and always take reviews with a grain of salt. You have to decide what is best for your work and follow your heart." (I see something like that in many of the reviews I credit). But since you teach comma usage and such, I suspect you know far more about writing than I do, so I will say this, "If what I mention here is not correct, ignore it!" *Smile*

         I really liked the eight rules for comma usage. Your examples of usage for each rule are excellent, and demonstrate proper usage to readers. I'd like to think I know how to use comma's, but I do get a few comments here and there on them. I get more comments on other parts of the English language though. However, I did see one thing in this that doesn't make sense to me, or shall I say, doesn't read right.

1. I'm far from a comma guru. Believe me, but from teaching them, I was able to strip out all the nonsense and such and find eight simple rules for conquering the dreaded comma while writing. That second sentence here does not read correctly if you ask me. (This is where my failure to really understand all the nuances of writing fails me). Here's how it should read, at least to my eyes. I'm far from a comma guru, believe me. But from teaching them, I was able to strip out all the nonsense and such and find eight simple rules for conquering the dreaded comma while writing. All I know is, the line "Believe me, but from teaching them.... That's the part that throws me. I know rule 1 doesn't apply since Believe me can not stand on its own as a sentence. It's not a series, so rule 2 is out, nor does it seem to be extra information. I'm pretty sure it's not an introductory clause, nor does it come after a conjunctive adverb, or separate two adjectives. See my dilemma? *Smile* I'm not trying to pick this apart, far from it. This comment is very minor in nature. But I have to know where my error is in thinking like this!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
521
521
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Amy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Like I said in a note to you a few minutes ago, you and I are alike. I've had more than my share of 'Internet Love Affairs', and the trials and tribulations first hand of the pits you can get into. My problem is, it took me several attempts to realize that it is exactly as you write here. Thing is, mine were all with American women (there's not that many really, but it was more than 2). Here's what I've learned. Like any relationship, you have to work (imagine that) to keep it fresh and going well. There's a member here on WDC whom I've known since before WDC, and we still love each other, and talk almost every day. She is the exception, and is exceptional. The others? No, meeting was nice, but we weren't all that compatible, as you write here.

         I like the way you write. It's as if we're sitting side by side in front of a fire, telling stories. I mean that as a compliment, believe me. This is well done and flows nicely, never leaving the reader hanging. I love your advice, and agree with you wholeheartedly. Does all this mean I won't meet people in person that I've known first on line? No, but it does mean I know I'm not in love, nor is this person one whom I want to spend the rest of my life with.

         Thank you for the read, and chuckle, both stories. I will have to drop by and read more soon, and hope I do!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
522
522
Review of Mr. Fish  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Phelina,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a cute story about two different characters, both named Mr. Fish. I enjoyed it some, but knew where it was going to end early on. But then, with a story this short, that's not unusual. However, the twist at the end, having your human character named Mr. Fish was good. The one comment I will have for you, is to name the fish character Mr. Fish differently. Perhaps something like Mr. Perch. I know Perch isn't a fresh water fish, but giving him a different name would personalize him more. Maybe even Mr. Salmon, since they do spawn in fresh water. You get the idea.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
523
523
Review of Old One Ear  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Cynaemon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say that I found this to be a pretty ordinary story. That is, until I found the poem at the end. Then the ordinary became the extra-ordinary, tears filled my eyes as I read that, and the things Hatshepsut did for Old One Ear.

         You did a really good job portraying Hatshepsut as a stuck up, rich, spoiled-rotten cat. She was fascinated by One Ear, but that was about it. Until she read his journal, I think that then she fell in love with him, at least in her own way. Your ending was powerful, I absolutely loved it! My only comment or suggestion? Center the poem on the page. Somehow, someway, emphasize the words of the poem (italics?). It stands out, it makes the story more than just a story.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
524
524
Review of A Promise Kept  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Jack,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!


         Like a couple of other people I know on WDC, I've never read something of yours I didn't like. You write in a very casual style, and I don't mean that as a criticism, it's a compliment. What I mean is, when I read something of yours, it's like we're sitting somewhere in a very relaxing atmosphere, just talking as old friends. Great eulogy for your mother, it's easy to tell you were close to her. I see this was written 8 years ago; I'm hoping the pain of her passing has lessened. It probably has, but the feeling of loss is, and still will be, with you forever. Thank you for this, it makes one appreciate the small things in life.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
525
525
Review of Reality  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Karen,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         First, I miss you! But dang, I do hope you have a great 4th Anniversary, even if it's not spent on here.

         I really liked the idea behind this story. The question at the end is a good one, and I have two answers for it. One, it was a mistake for some reason. But the second one, the one I like better, is that someone wanted that man killed, and arranged it so he might be. Of course, it required the right person, but it was a chance. Well done here, the flow is good, dialog even better.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
1,346 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 54 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/21