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3,345 Public Reviews Given
3,393 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review of Iraqi Woman  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Deborah,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Since joining WDC, I've learned so much about the various forms of poetry, and love the challenge when presented with a new form. I really like this form, and your poem. One of the main reasons for this is because your poem tells a story, while keeping to a prescribed format. Almost. More about that later.

         I've never heard of the Burns Stanza, so I had to look it up. Interesting format, even more interesting that it's now named after Robert Burns, when it was originally called a Standard Habbie.

         Your poem speaks of the perils of living in a country during wartime. She has faced the enemy many times, and now it seems they have cornered her. Very sad, but things like this happen every day on this planet we call Earth. I would like to provide you a little feedback on it, if I may.



Title:  In the poem itself, your title is 'Iraqi Woman', but the title a reader sees when they click on it, is Iraqy Woman. I believer Iraqi is the correct spelling.




Description:  One has to wonder why it's your last Burns Stanza. It can be very beautiful, descriptive. I did not see a syllable format, only a rhyme format when I did a little research on it. Why don't you tell your readers a little bit about this poem in the description?




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Your rhythm is excellent, I loved the shorter lines that gave the reader pause.




General Comments:  

1. The spelling of the title of the item on WDC. Iraqy vs Iraqi. You may want to consider changing it if you choose to edit this.

2. You did not adhere completely to the Burns Stanza requirements in this. A Burns Stanza should have an aaabab rhyme format, but your first verse is aabcbc. The second stanza is fine as written; it follows the Burns Stanza requirements.



Overall impressions:  A very interesting, albeit sad, poem about life in a country that is experiencing war. Well done, thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Lori,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         It's a good thing we don't let our memories rule our lives, huh. A nice story about a young girl whose memories of her childhood seem to haunt her at odd times. I do find myself wondering why she would want to remember that address, since it seemed to bring back dark memories of an unloving life. But that's how I am, not how your character is, huh? *Smile*

         I really enjoyed this story, this small trek down memory lane so-to-speak, but it does need a bit of editing. I won't go into details with you on this, but it needs a little bit of grammar work in the form of comma's, shortening run-on sentences, etc. If you were to copy this into a word document, then run a spell check/grammar check on it, I think you'd see most of these small issues corrected.

         I find myself wondering, is Laura, Lori? Don't answer, there's no need to. Just my mind wandering around the ether in the pre-dawn morning.... *Smile* Well done, thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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Review of Red Rover  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hey
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your WDC Anniversary!

         This is a good start to a much long work, but it really needs updating, and editing! I'd love to read more, or to do a 'Vulcan Mind Meld' with you, and know where you will take this story.

         While the story itself is very interesting, there's a bit that seems off. If this building is underwater, and slowly flooding, then it would flood until it could ride no higher due to the air pressure holding it back. But office buildings aren't air tight, so it would flood completely, drowning John (See my first comment below).

         There were a few areas in the story where you got 'wordy'. Not run-on sentences, but you used way too many words to describe a simple situation. You might want to go through this carefully, and see if you can correct those.

         Be careful when describing ocean creatures. Sure, Tuna are a fish, but you would not call them Tuna Fish, just Tuna. And a whale shark? Whale sharks are not native to the area around Houston. Yes, this is 30 years or so in the future, but it seems improbable that they would have moved to this area so soon. My last comment? This may be a WIP, and that's fine, but you should still give a reader some idea of what to expect in the description.



1. When John woke, he was in a building that is underwater. If he was more than about 30 feet underwater, he wouldn't be able to see very far, definitely not as far as you've mentioned here. Office buildings aren't necessarily watertight either, so your main character would be dead from drowning instead of waking with water covering the floor. Additionally, since the rest of the city is damaged, it seems at least one window of this building would have been broken, resulting in severe flooding.

2. He was still dressed in his hospital gown, so he closed it up in the back and tied it shut with. Tied the gown shut with what?

2. A whale shark swam lazily past the remains of an 18-wheeler still hanging from one of the sections that were still intact. If you decide to edit this, remove one of the uses of 'still'. Using it twice in such close succession doesn't work well.

3. Exploring the rest of the rooms in Wexler Labs seemed like a logical next logical step, so he went back into the corridor and started trying doors. I think the point I'm trying to make about this sentence is obvious.

4. I’m sure right now that you have about a million questions and are very angry and are very angry The same here, the minor edit needed is obvious.

5. There is a short round key on the key ring on the ring of keys that I have provided for you. I think you tried to say one thing, but ended up doing it two ways. You need to use one, not both here. Perhaps something like this? There is a short round key on the ring of keys that I have provided for you.

6. He wondered what the Hell the doctor's game was. Hell does not need to be capitalized.

7. Early on, the floors are flooded, and John is on the 23rd floor. Later he's walking around the office areas, and when he looks over the railing, the flooding appears to be at the 10th floor or so? If that's the case, why is the floor flooded at his level? Additionally, he walks around the office area, but I think he'd be sloshing through the water, not really walking. Of course, it depends on how deep the water is.

8. One service bot, however, seemed to have a solar back-up system and it greeted him as he approached. Solar powered back up, but the building is underwater? How is the sun reaching the solar cells?

9. “That’s very fun, Tin Man,” laughed John. Fun should be funny.

10. For on line reading, consider double spacing your paragraphs. It makes it easier to read on a computer monitor.

11. When John leave the offices he woke in, he unlocks the chained doors. They were chained from the inside? If he was alone in that area, no bodies or anything around, how were the doors locked from the inside?



Sum1


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404
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Review of A Christmas Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Faeriestone,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Y'know, I love stories like this. There doesn't have to be a lot to it, no character building, just plain old fashioned story telling. This is good, I really enjoyed it, but I knew where it was going from the first word. That's not a bad thing, like I said, I love stories like this.

         However, I do think you might have built it better. It looks like you wrote this for a contest, since certain words are in red to draw attention to them. I'd be willing to bet this contest is long over, so maybe you'll consider editing it a little bit. Here's my observations/comments on it.

1. It's a nice story, but a little shallow. What I mean is, it could use a little more description. You describe the snow nicely, and the floating bridge, but that's about it. What year was this set in? I got the impression that the Aramaya was a sailing vessel. Being a little more descriptive on small things like that could really make this stand out.

2. You tend to use run-on sentences at times. Here's an example. Her husband Jack, a seaman on the ship Aramaya, was due to return home in a few days. The ship had been reported missing two weeks earlier after being caught in a raging storm in the Atlantic. This could easily be cut into at least two sentences, if not three or four. It lacks punctuation in the form of comma's, which are needed in several places. I've added some, just to give you an idea.

         Like I mentioned first thing, I really like this story. It could use a little more depth is all. Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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405
405
Review of Too Late  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Elomi,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         This is so true! Yet so very sad. I really feel you can let them back in, just not on the terms you had before. Especially if they were an important part of your life. IMHO, you can never turn your back on love. There's so little of that in this world. True love, not the love we seemingly spread so easily. The love you felt when you kissed that special someone, that's what I mean. Not the love you feel just because you are close friends. But yes, this is so true. We've all done it at one time or another. Maybe one day we'll learn.

         Truly exceptional in its words, eye opening for some I hope. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Derek,
         Thank you for asking me to review this. I hope my input will help you improve your writing skills and this piece, if necessary.

         You did a very good job at painting a picture of both Maggie and Clint in this short story. Maggie seemed so docile, so timid that I couldn't believe the change in her. Then when she swore at the now dead Clint, I understood what went was going on in her mind. Poor Clint, all he wanted was to be considered intelligent, intelligent enough to be a doctor of some type.

         I wondered why the good doctor had killed his receptionist, then realized what was going on as I read further. The dialog from Clint was especially good, though I'd think that someone who yearned to be a doctor might not speak the way he did. It is possible to have some culture, and be from the south. From what I gather, he was from out in the 'sticks' though, not a southern 'city boy'. His interview with Maggie was pretty convincing to this novice, but then, I've never been to a Psychiatrists Office. I found the whole interlude between her and Clint to be almost humorous.


1. As Clint strangled Maggie, she went limp, almost dead. Then she miraculously came back to life (to coin a phrase) and turned the tables on Clint. It seems that if she was that near to death, that near to suffocation, that the other personality couldn't have surfaced. I'm not a doctor though, so that's me talking, not a direct criticism.

2. She was oblivious to the sanguine absorption of blood that seeped into the spongy pillow as she looked at her first placard. I had to look up the definition of this word. I wasn't sure you used it correctly, see what you think. If a synonym is used, it could read She was oblivious to the reddish absorption of blood that seeped into the spongy pillow as she looked at her first placard. Another synonym would be reddish or ruddy. Dictionary.com gives an example of 'Having blood as the predominating humor, and consequently being ruddy-faced, cheerful, etc. I think there's a better word you could use instead of sanguine, but I will let you decide which one, should you choose to change it.

         The end was very good also, it left me wondering if the fake doctor would end up killing the real Maggie. A very good story that could be a little 'tighter' in the plot, but a nice read. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1



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407
407
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey 'ThiNg', or whatever your name really is....
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         Telling a good story in so few words is extremely difficult if you ask me. I've tried, and have managed to do it only once. *Smile* Kudos to you for getting your story told in so few words!

         I really enjoyed this, and thought for a moment you were going to provide that young boy an alibi if one was needed. You didn't go that route, and frankly, I'm glad. I don't think it would have come across as well as the rest of the story.

         You didn't spend much time describing the two main characters, and that's, given the brevity of the story. Would love to know more, love to have more depth to this, and wonder if you've ever considered lengthening this? If you don't, it's fine as it is.

         I really enjoyed the nice, relaxing read. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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Review of The Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hey Bill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, I'm not sure what to say. This will be short, despite the story warranting a longer review. I just don't know what to say. You've voiced a lot of things I feel in this, brought to the front of my mind things I fear as I approach the age of 70. *Smile* I'm a few years away yet, but I feel, and know, my mortality. I think when we're in our 20's through our 40's, we feel invincible. Then as age sets in, we slowly begin to understand what being mortal really means.

         Well done here Bill, loved it! Thanks for bringing a spot of darkness to a bright day. But, the darkness is already receding, and all's well. *Smile*



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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Hey Carol,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         There no way September can go by without me stopping by to say hi, and review something of yours. *Smile*

         I was a little dense at times reading this, and finally figured that Tommy and Liam were gay. I know, you made it plain in your hints, but still. Took me a minute is all. I also assume Liam didn't really drown, since his body was never found.

         This sounds so much like real life, real life away from a big city, away from all the stress of today's world. Well written, but I did see a couple of minor things you may want to look at, should you choose to edit this. More on that later.

         I loved the 'lingo' you used in this, I'm not sure I could ever pull it off, so keep my dialog pretty bland. Ruby, Tommy, and Liam were very real, even though Liam was never 'seen' in the story. Their father was something else though. Hard nosed, hard core. Much like mine in his later days. On the other hand, their mother seemed like one of those 'long suffering' types, a woman who knew she was supposed to love her husband no matter what.

         Now, about those two minor, very minor things.

1. In the middle of the story, where you describe Liam's house, there are four or five paragraphs not indented like the rest.

2. “I plan to take a walk and leave them along the dear path, if that’s all right.” You can see this minor issue clearly I think....


         A very nice read. Troubling a little because of their father's attitude, but a nice read. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hey Marilyn,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         I really enjoyed reading your entries. They are thoughtful, fun to read, a bit comical at times, and informative. Informative on what's going on in your life, how you're doing, and how your health is. I read the whole first page, almost mesmerized by your entries. You've gone through a lot in your life, yet still have a great outlook. We are similar in age (I'm now 63); I can only thank God that my health is great compared to yours. We all have our issues, you have enough for 3-4 people!

         I think my favorite entry was the one from January, "We Used To Be A Melting Pot." Excellent entry, well written (all are well written by the way). But I agree 100% with your assessment of being a Melting Pot vs. a Quilt.

         I may have to come back and read more, see how you are doing. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and continue writing! Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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411
411
Review of Spellacheka  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Bhaskar,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         I think I've seen this somewhere before, you cite a sauce (source) unknown, so I wouldn't be surprised if I had. There are a couple of minor English errors here, but I'm not sure if it's meant to be that way.

1. Its rarely ever wrong Its should be it's. It is rarely wrong.

2. its letter perfect in it's weigh The its and it's need to be swapped. it's letter perfect in its weigh

it is letter perfect in its weigh

         This was very cute, and hard to read first time through. My mind kept screaming at me that the words were all spelled wrong. OCD at work there if you ask me.




Sum1

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412
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Review of Bad Knees  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Rachwrites
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty cute short story about you falling at work, though I'm not so sure it would be funny if I had been there. Falling is never fun is all. It was cute, but I think you might want to add the genre of flash fiction to this, to me it fits.

         Just a quick question. Did you ever consider surgery to have your knees fixed? Or was that not an option for one reason or another.

         I think we've all fallen at one time or another, but falling at the oddest moments (aren't they all odd?) has to top the list. I once fell (slipped) getting out of the shower. Six hours, two x-rays, and 33 stitches later, I was released from the hospital. It's always comical to us, once we sit back and think about it. Glad you have a sense of humor about this, and was able to laugh. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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Review of Grandma's House  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Winnie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, so I knew all along it's your Anniversary month, I try to stop by each featured Anniversary Reviews member and review them at least once during their month of celebration.

         This is something I feel all young people should experience. They should see where their grandparents lived, how they lived, so they can appreciate what they have in this world. Well written, nice flow, and short. Then again, it's flash fiction, it has to be.

         I didn't see any obvious errors in this, but with the ribbon that adorns this piece, I can see why. Excellent job, thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey DeNine,
         Thank you for asking me to review this. I would love to give it high marks and tell you what a great author you are. But I can't. There are numerous problems with the way this is written; it needs A LOT of help, a lot of TLC editing as I call it.

         Don't get me wrong, I like your story. It has a good plot, it flows well. But I'm a stickler on writing, and despite being a good story, the distractions caused by improper use of English made this a bit of a chore to read. Your overall plot is good as I said. I'm intrigued, and would love to read more. But I can tell you I won't, until this is vastly improved. Grammar in this is a big issue. Here's an example from later in this chapter. He materialized a clipboard out of thin are and tapped about half way down the page with his pen. Are should be air. I think most of my comments center around this, poor grammar. As a writer, you need to ensure you use the correct synonym and homonym in every sentence, every phrase.

         Why am I being so harsh? Better me, than an editor for a publishing company. I have to be truthful, or I'm not helping you one bit. I could tell this was going to be a bit of a 'chore' when I noticed a simple misuse of a word in the first paragraph. You know what they say about first impressions....

         I've noted 11 errors that need to be corrected below. This is not all I noticed, I just decided to stop at 11. Now for some good comments.

         Your plot is good, it left me intrigued. It has a nice flow to it. There's a lot I want to know, but I understand the whole story is just starting, so it's impossible to know more right now. Your descriptions of Kyle and his surroundings were very good. Your described him well, Jennifer too. The other characters could stand a little more, but they seem to be minor characters, and may not be a part of the overall story as it progresses. You had me in the first paragraph, I was with the story, I in it.



         General Comment: It seems your story text is all bold. The first thing you should do is 'unbold' it. If it's not in bold text, then consider changing your font.

1. I shuttered. Used in this context, this spelling, you just covered a window with shutters. Shuttered should be shuddered.

2. We drove in silence for a few minutes, me sinking out of view whenever they passed someone. They passed someone? We passed someone.

3. I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather and the walk to school was reluctant to say the least. Reluctant? The phrasing is not correct. A small change would suffice. I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather and walked to school reluctantly

4. "Quite! Obviously you guys are too immature to pick your own partners, so I'm going to choose for you." Quite should be quiet. Remove the space before the closing quotation marks.

5. finally realized who it was arguing, as josh and Jennifer came in view. Josh should be capitalized.

6. "Stay the freak away from her you greasy haired freak! She's my freaking girl and if I freaking see you with her I'm going to rip your freaking head off!" You used freak, or some form of it four times here. The dialog is not very realistic. I don't know of many high school boys who would say the word freak when this angry.

7. I hated walking it took forever. You need a comma after walking.

8. I kept walking tired with my head down; I didn't look up as I went by them not thinking much of it. You need a comma after walking, and after tired.

9. "I'll Kill You." He said in a cold voice. Kill should not be capitalized.

10. Josh let go of my neck and looked back at the tree to see who I was calling to, then looked back at me after reassuring himself that no ones around and came back with a hard right hook that threw me to the ground. Instead of saying 'no ones around', use no one's, or no one was. As written, ones is plural.

11. "Your right, we better get out of here before cops come. Your should be you're.





Sum1

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Hey Sarge,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Let me start by saying that I rarely give a 5.0 rating for a story. Does that make this perfect? No. It touched me; I just hope many, many others will read this, and learn what I learned so long ago. As you say throughout this essay, "We're just like you." Yes you are. You put your pants on one leg at a time most likely, eat the same foods, drink much the same drink, and do the most of the same things in your spare time that we do. Yet you're always willing to put your life on the line so we can live ours safely. My hat's off to you. You have my full gratitude.

         I'm proud to say that I train the technicians who keep your 2-way radio system going. The funny thing is, I never thought of it that way, until someone pointed that out to me. Fourteen years after I started that job! I hope yours never fails you. I mean that. Doesn't matter who made your radio, I hope it never fails you. I also hope that you remain safe in your every day job, as well as leisure activities. Take care of yourself sir, I salute you.



Sum1

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Hey Winnie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I could see this unfolding, and knew from your description what was going to happen. Didn't stop me from enjoying the story though. Alice was very paranoid, and rightly so after being raped.

         The story jumped a but though at one point, and I have to say, from my memory of 20 years ago, a chat room chat does not remain on screen when you shut the computer down. Let me get to that later in this review though.

         The flow was good, short and sweet, or not so sweet if you were Mr. Anderson. It seemed pretty realistic, except for the chat room part. Here are my comments on this.

1. You have Alice starting up her PC, but never mention her signing in to the chat room. That part initially confused me, and made me think she was looking at things her and Larry had talked about the previous night. You might want to add that she logged into the chat room, and was pleased to find Larry was there once again.

2. If Mr. Anderson had been her rapist, he might have found her. Alisa is not that fr from Alice, and maybe in his warped mind, he could have put two and two together. Then again, would Alice have wanted a name that far from her real name? Hard to say. Hard to judge there, and I'm not. Just commenting on it.


         Overall, a pretty pleasant read. A little bizarre, but a good story. Thank you for sharing.





Sum1

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Hey Stefan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         You had me smiling the whole time I read this. I was not a saint growing up, that's obvious, but I never did something like this, and neither did my children. Maybe I've led a sheltered life....

         I really enjoyed the conversational tone this is written in. You describe yourself as a bit of a storyteller for your children, it shows here. I was a nerd growing up too, but of a different sort. Sciences didn't excite me at all, math did. But my passion was school band. So nerd, but different.

         I have seen children emulate their parents in many ways; Drew and Spencer making a rocket launcher without making homemade rockets was not really surprising. I loved your solution, but was a little surprised you didn't come up with something for the police to do. Their solution was excellent though, I know how I'd have felt in a situation like that.

         Well written with a nice flow to it. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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Hey Ron,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, this is a pretty powerful poem you've written here. The rhyme scheme is excellent, but the flow a bit choppy at times. I am not one who believes that every line in a poem needs the same syllable count, but they should be close. Below is the syllable count, line by line for your poem. You can see that it has a range as low as eight, and as high as fourteen. The good news though, is that you can easily change some of these, and maybe get it more rhythmic.

13/13/13/11 12/12/12/12 9/8/11/11 11/10/12/9 12/13/11/8

10/11/11/10 12/9/12/14 14/13/12/12 13/14/12/12


         I love the message in this, I believe in telling someone I'm sorry when needed. Never been afraid to say those words. Some of your lines though, are a bit wordy, and if I may, I will show them below. Also, you start a line in the poem with the word 'and' eight times. I've learned to try and eliminate that from my poetry, though I've not edited much of my older poems to complete that. Another small thing is you start three of four lines in succession with the word 'so'. These little things detract from the read, from the flow of the poem. It distracts the reader....

         Here's my thoughts on the contents of your poem. I do hope they help you edit this, should you choose to do so.



Title:  Perfect for this poem, even though you never say I'm Sorry in the poem.




Description:  Very good, it lets the reader know what they should read about in the poem.




Grammar:  For me, it was the repeated use of And to start a line, and starting three out of four lines in a row with the word So.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  The rhyme scheme is consistent and excellent. The rhythm could be better.




General Comments:  

1. To me, this reads as if the syllable count should be between nine and eleven syllables. It would be hard to achieve that exactly, but you can get close. Here's an example of the first verse, the original, and minor changes afterwards.

If only you knew what I can't admit to myself
How much I think of you, my emotions on the shelf
And how much I care, while still denying you a place
As a fellow member of the human race.

If you knew what I can't admit to myself
How much you're thought of, my emotions on the shelf
How much I care, while denying you a place
As a fellow member of the human race.

2. Be careful using the same words frequently. By this, I mean words you use a lot are used often (such as the, we, you, a, I, etc), other should not. An example is the word denying, used in the third line of the first verse, first line of the second. It just stands out.

3. These four lines are a bit wordy, but I love them. For here, not only are you explaining your actions, but believe it or not, you're telling them, I Love You!

By turning in the power called by me to rule
So I could have the upper hand and not be thought a fool!

So I could be the one in charge and have the final say
And make you do as I wished and never get away.

4. In the previous comment, I said how much I love those lines, yet this line is redundant of what you just said.

So I could call the shots and tell you what to do This is redundant to the first line of the verse.



Overall impressions:  A poem of sorrow, of apology, and love. It's a good poem, but needs a little editing TLC. A little wordy in places, a little ambiguous, but a good read.



Sum1

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Hey Blue JellyBaby,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         Really? SIXTEEN Years! Congratulations!

         This is an interesting story, but it's not fair! It's not fair to leave us hanging like this, waiting for the 'real end' to the story. That's what you did, and you know it. Well done there!

         I know your English is not exactly mine, so there are some differences to our speech/writing patterns. I will ignore those I know are different, and only comment on those that seem off.


1. At the end of proceedings I approached the man stood behind the stand. I think you're missing a word in this line. To me, it would be 'who', but not sure what the Queen's English would say be there.

2. “Hello Sir, and how would you like to make your purchase?” Would he say 'make your purchase?', or 'pay for your purchase?'


         I loved the twist when he opened the third box, and that's where you left me, hanging out to dry. I would love to know the end of this, what treasure he was off to find, and all about that dancing pony.

         Overall, a well written story that was fun to read. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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My Dearest Katrina
         You know I can't let June pass without reviewing something you've written. Happy Anniversary My Love!

         I know I've written a Fibonacci poem, and they aren't easy. I pretty certain this was written for your grandchildren. But I have to confess you lost me in it. The last line especially, left me scratching my head.... *Smile*

          The other thing that I couldn't understand, is what exactly is this poem about? I hate to say it honey, but it makes little sense to me. It's about numbers, yes. But what's that got to do with odds, and their tails?

         Despite my gray haired moment here and not understanding, I still enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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Hey Dorianne,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a cute poem about a caterpillar's metamorphosis to a butterfly. The rhyming is good, but the rhythm really suffers a bit. Some lines are pretty long syllable wise, while others are short compared to those. It did take away from the read a little too, but it didn't stop me from enjoying it. There are a couple of minor things you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. And began his home of refuge, from birds who'd seek a pray. As written, it seems like the birds would seek to say a prayer. What you meant was prey, the caterpillar being their prey, or dinner.

2. To the music of the garden, that was the sweetest of lullabies. To me, this line should be lullaby's. Lullabies implies multiple lullaby's being heard, where lullaby's seems to be what you meant, the sweetest lullaby he could hear. Is that enough lullabies for you????


         As I said, a cute poem to enjoy, especially children. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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Hey Typingrhyme,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is pretty cute and makes an excellent story if true. *Smile* (Not that I'm doubting your word).

         I think it would love much better centered on the page though. Also, it would be nice to see a little more contrast between the major storm, and Mariah being calm. What about a 'minor' storm? Does she not get upset at all? I think it would be the change in the air pressure that she'd detect, so a decent storm would set her off. My whole point in that comment, is that you devote three verses to her actions when a storm is coming, and only one to when she's calm. Does she do this only for major storms, or a storm of any kind? Maybe she's not so upset by smaller storms, but is still not quite herself. Know what I mean? A little more contrast would really help this stand out from others.

         A nice poem, good flow and rhyme. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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Hey Metu,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         A Haiku (or Robert Kelly Lune) is so difficult to write. Well, I should qualify that by saying, to write well. With only 13 syllables to work with here, it can be daunting to write something that makes sense. You've done well here overall, but I have to say, it doesn't fit the 5/3/5 format. The last line has six syllables. Foul play-ers will cast out. I think that being from Tarawa-Kiribati area of the world, maybe you pronounce players with one syllable. But it's really two. However, if you just drop the word 'will', it still makes sense, and meets the required format. Just a personal comment here too. I think the last line would be better worded as 'Good players cash out". The reason is that a good player would cash out once the game was finished, whereas a bad player would quit due to lack of funds....

         This is a cute poem, thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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Hey Lexi,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         How could I not review something that raised funds for a forum so close to my heart? I always thought this was a wonderful, generous thing you ran, and could not believe the amount of GP's raised. It's something I'll never forget, and always hold close to my heart.... Speaking of auctions, I'll be running my first one next month to help the Power Reviewers Group. Look for it soon, right now it's under wraps... *Smile*

         Thank you for running this, you won't believe how much this affected me. I hope you are well, and living life happily.





Sum1

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Hey Jace,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I see we have something in common. I feel the same about a girl's (I prefer woman's) walk, and the way their derriere moves. And yes, a bigger woman, a plus size one, is much more desirable than a thin one any day of the week!

         What I find the hardest to do, is concentrate at work when I see one. Teaching classes as I do, I sometimes get female students. Not many, since radio's don't interest a lot of women. Still, it's tough to deliver a class, or take a break and not look stupid when one walks away. Another thing though, is little quirks they may have. For some, it's a smile. Others, the way they twirl their hair. Not like a young girl, but a woman who absentmindedly does it while thinking. Yet the over-riding attraction is how their posterior looks, especially when walking. And if it's thin, no cheeks at all, forget about it....


         Interesting article, I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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