Hey Faithvire,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!
You know, I hate giving low ratings when sending an Anniversary Review, but I have to be honest. Don't get me wrong, the idea behind this is good, but it needs a lot of work. You have me intrigued, wanting to know more, but if I were to do that, I'd want it better written.
Here's my opinion and suggestions on what you might want to do should you continue to write about your life and upbringing.
1. First, there's a lot of telling in this, and little to no showing. I know you've probably heard this before, but it's so true. You want to captivate your readers? Show them what you're talking about in this story, don't just tell them. Example? Here you go. This is written more like you are talking to a friend, telling a story at a campfire. As such, you tell us a lot, but show nothing. You mention scrubbing floors in a tavern. Yes, I know it's a prologue, but even here you can show us something. You did a nice job describing your hands, the blisters from work. But how did you get here? I know, after the prologue. But, give us a hint now, to entice us to read more. MAKE us want to know more. Where are you working? You allude to being in a foreign land you hadn't heard of six months ago. Okay, where is it? Tell us about where the tavern is, who frequents it (not just drunks, bandits, and soldiers). Are there an regulars you care to tell us about? How about ol' one eyed Jack? Do you have any friends here? This is a prologue, so build this up. Set the scene for the whole story, don't just lament about your current existence.
2. Add dialog. Yes, it's an intro to a longer work, but dialog can go a long ways to showing, vice telling.
3. Check your wording carefully. In my humble opinion, there's nothing worse than reading a story or book, and finding spelling errors, or improper use of English. Lord know I'm no English major (it's my worst subject to be honest), but even I can identify errors in grammar. Example from your story. Of coarse, I did not want to do either. I really had no idea what I was going to do with my life and I figured that I would decide that portion of my life after I graduated. As written, coarse means rough, abrasive. Substituting a synonym of coarse, Of rough, I did not want to do either. See what I mean? Many people make minor errors like this, myself included. But you have to re-read what you've written to catch things like this. If you can't, then you need to have someone do it for you.
4. Be careful in rambling. You go on and on in places, using the same word several times in a shot span of writing. A simple example here is the following. I would have never in a million years have dreamed of living my days as a slave/waitress in a tavern full of drunks, bandits, and soldiers in a country or place I never even heard of, never even dreamed of by the sanest person. This sentence rambles a lot, called a run on sentence. You reuse the word have when it's not needed, and again tell us about being in a country you had never heard of six months ago. If you can't read a sentence without taking a breath, it's probably too long. This means it's a run on sentence.
5. Double space your paragraphs. It just makes it easier to read in an on line format.
Again, I like the idea of this, what you're telling us. But show us too. Make it into a coherent story. Even as a prologue, make it coherent. Remember, this is what most readers will read first; so this is your only real chance to entrance them, making them want to read more.
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER
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