I'm sorry, no, I don't drink coffee but I'll gladly have the cake!
This took me back: we had a mobile home on two acres, set in front of a pond / marsh. Fantastic fishing. Mom had a bench swing on an A-frame underneath our sycamores. Whenever my mother used to cook fried chicken, my sister and I would go out to eat on the swing. Ah, memories...
So, what's the deal? Is your swing real? I know the rest is all you: much expression, beautiful description and openness. Especially the laughs and teasing! I'll bet that swing is real and you're probably on it every evening.
I'm always amazed by your writing. It's so apparent that you have ability, but you always couple that with a willingness to bare your soul. That's beautiful.
You know this is fantastic, don't you? Talk to ya' later!
You've caught me up! Now I'm dying to know what you've so thinly veiled with your choice words. Is this about addiction? Or, perhaps it's an examination of mental illness? Could you clue me in?
"Poured hatefully, From a black bottle," is just one of many tremendous images you've created. You say things like, "And the coffin of my life," and "All things I loved are whirl-pooling;" there is a sadness in the tone, but you speak so beautifully!
Wonderful grammar and structure, but the punctuation has vanished! Did you use disappearing ink? I'd like to help a little, so how about I rewrite the first two stanzas for you?
I am drunk on the sadness
From an uncaring world;
Poured hatefully
From a black bottle,
Into a glass with jagged edges.
I am shrunk with fear,
That suppresses my being
From living and loving freely.
And the coffin of my life
Is closing ever so slowly.
Actually, your work doesn't require a great amount of punctuation; just a few dots and dashes, here and there!
Loved it, Kimarie! Thanks so much for posting this!
Ah! Jupiter, you are so gifted! You're a younger fellow, aren't you? I remember those days of poetry, words that always seemed to be mournful laments of love. Oh, to be young again!
As always, fantastic imagery. Words aren't just your friend, they appear to be like your family. "I'm the missing face inside her locket," and "The sea wakes beneath the skies," were two of my favorite lines. Everything's alive and vibrant in your work, no matter how morose your mood may seem. That's an amazing ability!
Great flow, superlative verbiage and an eternal subject. Excellent job again, Moon! See you again in a little while!
Poetry at its finest, if I do say so myself! There's nothing like reading a piece of literature which has timing, power, intelligence and concept. Good show!
As is the case with any good art, I was filled with curiosity. What was the motivation behind this piece? Who was the warrior? Is this an analogy of something else, i.e. you fighting the battles of life? Hook me up, I'm in a need to know position!!
This is a superior submission - I wouldn't change a thing! Thanks for allowing us the opportunity to view it!
P.S. I also enjoyed your name! Wise you are, wise you be, I see you are wise for me? Did I get it? Is there a prize involved?
I found your work both saddening and inspirational. Is this a true short (short) about your life? If so, then I do offer my sincerest respect for your amazing outlook on living. It takes great strength to stand the tests of life, but it's the insightful like yourself who do so with the greatest class. Thank you for sharing your ageless wisdom.
You've a few dangling edits that I'd like to assist you with by examining your first paragraph:
There's a difference between being a victim and a survivor.When I tell anyone the story of my life, I do not wish for anyone to feel sorry or pity me.I only wish that as I share with you the times and the places I have been and the situations life has brought upon me,you look at me as a survivor.Someone that has been through the ups and downs of life but has taken each struggle as an opportunity to learn and become stronger.
That's a fantastic introduction for what's to come, but a few minor changes might make it more powerful:
There's a difference between being a victim and (being) a survivor. When I tell anyone the story of my life, I do not wish for anyonethem to feel sorry for, or pity me. My only wish is that when I share with youothers the times and theplaces I have been, andas well as the situations life has broughtforced upon me, you look atsee me as a survivor. Someone that has been through the ups and downs of life, but has takenaccepted each struggle as an opportunity to learn and become stronger.
The edits in yellow are mostly words I think are detracting from the strength you're expressing. You're punctuation is pretty spot on, but watch commas because they can be tricky. One last thing: we readers need at least two spaces between sentences, so we know when to stop!
Magnificent piece of art, Britty! Your writing and enlightenment are perfect partners!
I must admit that at first I was disappointed I had picked something a little 'old'. I forgot my own first rule of reading: every piece is worth at least a thousand words. Lucky this is only about 500, huh?
There are countless reasons to love the written word such as titling, concept, depth, and flow, to mention a few. Those are all personal favorites, of course and you've found a comfortable home for them in your work. As far as titles go, I had to view your 'Soapbox' folder, then 'Don't Build a Shrine' was the only natural choice!
I've got to tell you my first impression: I thought the huge pile of fluffy bears, ribbons and flowers was going to catch fire! I figured you might be commenting on the dangerous nature of building such 'shrines' following a wreck, several injuries and quite possibly a couple more deaths. I was a little off - I guess - but I think that only magnifies how excellent a storyteller you are! Now that's flow!
When the ending came, I was both blown away and in absolute agreement. I wasn't expecting the profound declaration, but I was reading it while I shook my head "yes". That is the kind of beautiful light I love to see shined on such a dark subject. Death doesn't have to be about pain.
Don't remember me at the place I died.
Exactly. In fact, if you can help it, don't remember that I died. I'm with you, I want everyone to remember that I lived!
Wonderful work, Leger! I might be late to the party, but I still had a blast!
Some might find this a little dark, but I was actually lifted by it! Few people are able to discuss death without pale emotions; we writers are the majority of those few. With our (your) words we are able to add color to something the rest of the world sees in black. Beautifully done, Moon!
Your symbolism and description are fantastic. The raven overseeing the garden of stones - death watching over the dead - is more subtle than it first appears. By using modifiers such as 'flock', 'faithfully' and 'watchful', you've softened the hard edge that most would rub roughly against. Excellent use of adjectives to 'shepherd' your 'flock' of words!
I've got to point this out because it's sticking in my head:
There rises a tombstone, glistening like chalk,
This one line is so amazing (and your opening line, at that)! Glistening like chalk? Wow. Wow. Let me say that again: wow!! A reader sees that and goes, "Okay. Wait - what? Huh? Umm, what?!" That is not a good thing, it's a great thing! Who doesn't want to leave their reader on the edge of - whatever?
You have the ability to make me think, while I'm laughing. I think it dangerous, but it's so enjoyable I can't stop! If anyone ever queried the possibility of words being insignificantly significant, I believe you've found the answer!
You've asked: why not challenge comfortable explanations? I ask: don't writers do that every time they write?
Hello, auteur! I'm back to read some more of your fabulous art! I chose an exceptionally beautiful piece to examine this time, without realizing it. Lucky me!
It's wonderful to read about such a loving father. I am encouraged and impressed by the obvious tenderness you feel toward your son; it seems there is less and less of that in these days. Your son is blessed.
No punctuation? Well, there's a period!
Adorable, as much as he is innocent.
Bonding through (by?) being in such close proximity.
Closeness, his way of reaching out to his Father.
Dependent like any (every?) child is.
Ever so slightly he shuffles towards me.
Father and son; silently cherishing the same space.
Awesome and inspiring, auteur! I'll be by again to read more - keeeeeep 'em coming!!
That was a lot of fun to read! I always enjoy a good laugh (of course) and you didn't disappoint! It wasn't simply the view you provided your reader or the morbidly funny pictures you paint; the humor lasted to the end - with a twist. Nicely done!
I thought your presentation was exceptional. One gift, two gifts, three gifts - score? Nope! I'm laughing and holding my sides! This couldn't possibly have come from personal experience, could it? If you consider the possibility that this could have happened, it makes the story even more laughable!
In spite of all the praise, I did find a few punctuation pips. I hope you don't mind if I show you what I mean:
Decaying apple of my eye,
A box of candy is your surprise.
It's your favorite, give it a try:
Delicious chocolate-covered blowflies!
Wait! Another generous thought,
Twelve long-stemmed roses picked fresh with rot!
I'm glad you like them, it's all for naught,
But you won't believe what else I bought.
I'm excited for this next gift,
It's a new perfume called Putrid Stench -
Domestic sucks, so I bought French.
Though I think the last gift is the best;
I'll do the traditional thing,
Drop to one knee and show you the ring.
Diamond and twenty four karat gold!
What the fuck? Where the hell did she go?
Fantastically silly, jimnomorris! Keep showing off stuff like this!!
Wow, Martin! This is wild piece of wicked! I found myself unable to stop reading, in spite of the fact that I've seen just about every zombie movie ever made. That's what every writer dreams of - an uninterrupted audience.
You've got a lot of story in a little place. Is there any way could expand this a little? I enjoyed everything you've written - especially the twisty end - but it feels as if you could tell more. I want more!!
There are some structure and punctuation blips in your work, but they are minor finishing touches:
Following the scent of barbecuing meat the corpse found its way out of the forest. That is how it started. Gary Svenson had been missing for days and, shambling, had come back to civilization.
I'd like to rewrite this for you to show you the small changes I'm referring to:
Following the scent of barbecuing meat the corpse found its way out of the forest; that is how it started. Gary Svenson went missing for days and then, shambling, returned to civilization.
I only made a few minor adjustments which help to clarify your powerful statements - I hope that helps! If you ever need assistance with final editing, please feel free to ask!
Though short, this is quite a thought-provoking piece!
You used a lot of good description to set your scene: the graveyard, church, spire and grieving widow. At first sight, it appears that you are creating a grim environment. By all right the reader would assume that you are commenting on death, but you aren't really, are you?
"Your time will come, and so will mine,
of this we can be sure."
This isn't about death, but rather life as I've read it. The time hasn't come yet, has it? Even the last stanza sees the subject enjoying the relaxing silence of their surroundings. Hey, just the reader's point of view!
Splendiforous! Excellent work, JAM - keep 'em coming!
Wow, Colin! This is so insightful and creative I'm in awe! Was this born of true events, or a private vision? Were you simply struck to compose this? Please, do tell!
I absolutely love the content you presented and the manner in which you presented it. Prose stories are very pleasant to read, especially when the topic is very interesting. "But I like to think that my hands, Tell of many journeys and people and ideas," is a fantastic line and also the climax of your story. I thought the resolve you expressed here summed up the whole of your material wonderfully.
I do see a few punctuation marks scattered throughout your work, but don't you think this piece deserves that extra little 'oomph'? For instance:
But I like to think that my hands
Tell of many journeys, and people, and ideas,
All crowding together competing for time and thought.
My lines tell of places to see and things to do;
Expeditions I have made and have yet to make.
Those few commas and semicolon assist your reader with understanding the flow of your art. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me!
I'm impressed while laughing - not sure if that's a medical emergency or not! What a riot, Ben! Talk about a work you just can't put down. I'm begging for more, over here!
Both your title and the brief description sucked me in. I wasn't sure how you'd tie them in, at first, but your tale was so light and amusing it made little difference. When the end came you tied everything up in such a neat little package, I thought it was Christmas!
This is an absolutely SUPERB work! Keep 'em coming, Ben!
Beautiful work, cackalacky! Just thought I'd stop in again and see what interesting thing I could find on your port. You know me, the title got my attention - love it!
Of everything you said, the last line was the one that got me. The description was fantastic, it flowed like a gentle stream, and its ending intrigued me. Is it the reader that you're asking to be yours? I assume so, since you "write to right wrongs".
Superbly written, cackalacky; I'm patting myself on the back for adding you to my favorites!!
I had to read this piece because I was captivated by its title. The description you provided only increased my curiosity! Both are fantastic accomplishments because the old adage isn't true - you CAN judge a book by its cover.
I wish to address the content with you. These thoughts and feelings, the setting we are aware of and the words you use to describe your plight are fabulously worked. I was feeling with you! It goes without saying that you went through an emotional experience and it's generous of you to share that experience with us. In order to wholly accomplish your revelation you laid it all on the line. I was with you 'til the end!
Your grammar is great, but the punctuation seems to a little off. No worries, that's a really easy fix! I'm going to show you what I think the first two stanzas should look like - let me know what you think, okay?
The sun shines through the window,
It lights our dark; not truly,
The real light gives way to shadow.
Will our minds ever be free?
Our voices in our head -
Conscience you could call it.
Dark things they have said,
Our hearts scream as we sit.
Fantastic writing, Manixander! Keep giving in to your talent!
I don't want you to be damaged! You're not damaged anymore, are you? You sound like too nice a person to beat yourself up so badly!! You've got me rooting for you!!
I like the way you chose to write, the manner in which you created stanzas. It fits wonderfully with the story you tell. Each individual part is its own, emotional revelation.
There are some possible finish edits you could perform; I'd like to address one of the stanzas with you:
You ask me where do we go from here?
I laugh because there is no where to go but to a ledge that is a 100 foot drop to our demise.
Wouldn't this flow better as:
You ask me, "Where do we go from here?"
I laugh because there is nowhere to go, but a ledge, a hundred foot drop to our demise.
I hope this helps you. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them!
I'm still laughing!! What an exceptional piece of art you've written!!
The topic you chose and the manner in which you presented it were perfect. Everyone here at WDC knows exactly what you're talking about. It's nice that you have been able to help all of us see such a bothersome pest as the "Writer's Block", in such an appealing light!
There are a few edits that ought be attended to, but the one of most concern to me is your punctuation. It's almost non-existent! I realize that many writers have difficulty with the dots and dashes, so I'd like to review a stanza with you:
She always kept the furnace down,
except in their bedroom.
The husband, well, he shut his ears,
Stared at the wall in gloom.
Periods and commas are small things, but you know the old saying...
You've written a very interesting piece, one that begins with a simple, easy title and ends with a neat twist. I was left asking questions, such as: who was the soldier? Someone you knew? Was this his first and only tour? If this is a contest entry, that might explain the motivation, but if not I'd be interested in knowing.
There are some finishing touches that need to be addressed with this work; I'd like to show you how to do that by examining your first paragraph:
He laid there, panting, hands barely grasping his pistol. He had just gone through the bloodiest, the toughest, and the longest fighting he had ever seen, the only survivor from his platoon, he would learn soon enough. Hands shaking, he ejected the magazine in his pistol, knowing the few rounds left in it wouldn’t do him good, and wearily slid another magazine in.
Nice work, but I think it would flow a little better as:
He laid there panting, hands barely grasping his pistol. He had just experienced the bloodiest, toughest, most lengthy fighting imaginable and would soon discover that he was sole survivor of his platoon. His hands shaking, he ejected the magazine hiding in the hilt of his gun; the few rounds it held were too few. He wearily slid another clip into the grip.
The first half of the paragraph I made some minor corrections, but the second half I demonstrated some expanded descriptions. I hope this helps your writing!
Wow, gruesome! This is one nasty little horror story!
I thought the way you began and ended your tale was super. A single word to describe two different situations - the blackness of night, then of death. Not only does that make your work more powerful, but it also makes it memorable. Great job!
Your characters and plot are both thoughtful, as well as developed nicely. However, there are instances where you need to do some final editing. Let's look at your first paragraph:
(That seemed to be the only thing) Let's remove this, since "blackness" already states it. Everything in red should be taken out. Kaytie couldn't see anything (saw as) as she sprinted down the dark, dank alleyways of San Francisco. In your second sentence, you shift from third person past tense to third present. Be careful of doing this, many writers do!Her blond hair had long since fallen from it's braid, but the girl didn't dare pause and re-tie it. She knew she was being followed, stalked by unknown predators. Ever since the earthquakes last night, there had been raids and gangs everywhere, looting in search of treasures to sell on the black market. Some people used disaster as an opportunity, reveling in all the panic and chaos. Who would take notice of one missing girl at a time like this?
Not a lot of changes, but those edits can make all the difference in your presentation. I hope they help you!
Quite a tale you decided to tell us! My Achilles heel is a good title, and yours was a magnet. I had to look and see what hid behind that shingle, so here we go:
Let's talk content. I'm still trying to decide if you're describing a lady of the night, an abused wife, or a woman who simply feels discarded. I believe that to be a good thing, since you're keeping your reader on their toes, as well as broadening the range of readers who will empathize.
I am a little distracted by the punctuation. This is such a fine piece, don't you think it would be better to punctuate it properly. That would add emphasis where you want it, as well as assisting your readers in their adventure.
In addition, I got the feeling that this piece was unfinished. In some cases, I think the addition of little things would greatly assist. In others, the ideas don't feel completely formed. Let's look at the first stanza and put all of this together:
"Hardly the man of my dreams
Oh no
It was never that simple boy.
Not that smooth adonis brow
...........not that certain razor smile
you ribbed in perfect teeth."
Very nice, but might I suggest:
You were
Hardly the man of my dreams.
Oh no,
It was never that simple boy.
Not with that smooth Adonis brow,
Not with that sleek razor smile (this is a fabulous line, but I think "certain" restricts the idea)
bristling perfect, pearly teeth.
The razor smile line is excellent. Those kinds of description stick with a reader. Later on in life they say, "That guy has a razor smile," and they remember your poem.
Whimsical and fun, it paints a neat little story in your head. The story, as I pictured it: a person is enjoying some cliffs (their life?), then falls off (who doesn't?) and a lifeboat saves them (good friend, perhaps?). They then return to calmer waters and enjoy a cool dip - which sounds like a lot of fun, to me!
I thought the way you carried your ideas from one stanza to the next, through your sentence structure, was well crafted. It adds to the feeling of being on "the ocean".
Thank you for sharing this with us. I'll be reading more soon!
The title hooked me! A prayer for the sweet release of death - no questions, we know what we're about to discuss.
I liked your explanation of the rhyme scheme, but I think the rhythm goes much deeper. You're singing the language, beautifully. You obviously aren't one who feels they must be constrained to pairing syllables (second stanza), which I really appreciate.
You've got many fabulous lines here, but I thought, "I have prayed and done penance, accepted the blame, now the time is upon me to pay my last toll," was magnificent. It's such a riveting statement that I read it several times. The subject's acceptance of his end is impressive.
I apologize, but I couldn't find anything I'd suggest correcting!
You've got an amazing gift! Can't wait to read more in the future!
This is such a subtle piece - it sneaks up on you. I read it, read it again, then re-read it in order to take it in, fully.
What person of age doesn't know about love lost? Poets have been scripting verse on this subject for centuries, and will for many more. It is because we ALL understand it, that it is so popular. The writer is truly sharing with their empathetic reader.
I would like to see a little punctuation in your work. You started with a period, but seem to have left the rest out. If I may suggest:
"Love lost, fading to dream.
Hope fades from memory,
Emptiness is all that remains.
Night settles, darkness falls -
There is nothing left."
If this is in the same flash contest that mine's in, I've got some stiff competition! This is a chilling little tale - bravo.
For starters, you did a great job with character development, which is difficult when you have such limited space. You didn't waste a lot of time telling too much, yet you delivered everything needed to make your main well-rounded.
You've also created a super environment. The use of the redwood - a noble creation - as the source of evil, all in a setting that screams serenity is spectacular. Good use of latent irony.
Your grammatical skills and sentence structuring are almost spot on (just a couple of errors), but there is a small "rock in your shoe", as it were. You begin your story in first person present tense, but as it progresses you shift to first past. For instance, at the beginning, "The window shatters. “Damn kids,” I mutter under my breath as I explode from the back door." Shatter(s), mutter(), as I, are all present. However, at the end, "That’s alright, I knew what they were saying. “Your welcome,” I said, then turned for home." That's (is) - present, but knew, said, and turned are all past. This is the biggest catch to working in first tenses, it's easy to shift between and not realize you're doing it!
Nice twist at the end. I really liked, "As I dug I uncovered countless other skeletons and human remains in the soft dirt beneath the roots." Now that's horror.
Keep up your excellent writing!
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I'll bet that swing is real and you're probably on it every evening.
