\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kaylee/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
514 Public Reviews Given
543 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 ... Next
101
101
Review of the silver line  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'the silver line'. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

An inspirational quote, perhaps even a personal mantra written by the Author to provide a beacon of light for those who are lost in dark times.

Favourite Elements:

It's lovely to see someone inspired to write something aimed at helping people - especially in the current economic climate when so many are struggling to see a way out of the dark. This indicates to me that the person writing has a kind and generous spirit.

I think your words "Grab it" are strong, call to action words which is possibly where inspiration may then strike your readers.

Areas to Consider:

I hope this is ok, but I wanted to help you tidy a few distracting typo's up so that this piece can be more easily appreciated. If I'm mistaken, then please ignore!

"thairs" should read "there's"
"allwase" should read "always"
"restor" should read "restore"
"thaught" should read "thought"
"nevver" should read "never"
"defete" should read "defeat"

I also wondered whether you might open with 'Somewhere in the dark' simply because while the light may well be there, many will struggle to see it at first.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
102
102
Review of Gray House  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work entitled. I appreciate that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

The author asks you to consider the whole piece and explains it is a veritable feast of the bizarre, surreal and absurd. It is an accurate description! This is a challenging piece to read and follow - fact! It is also a mix of convincing 'in the moment' and 'out of the moment', imagined and experienced illusions of a struggling writer, desperate to break through a particularly tough bout of Writers Block. OR, is it a figment of someones imagination having a crisis and working out that they are in fact the 'imagined character' and their world is completely 'unreal'. Or maybe something else completely....

Favourite Elements:

1. Loving the crazy talk, the rhetoric questions and self-provided answers are nicely agitated.
2. The first time I read this I thought the descriptive journey to 'GrayHouse' seemed a little protracted and unnecessary but I think this is because I was too busy trying to 'work it all out', the second time I saw what I think you wanted me to see through the eyes of your MC. Getting your MC to experience the world again was done to subtly I almost missed it, but it worked, and it was well done!
3. The missing letters from the keyboard worked well, creating a more sinister feeling on top of your MC's growing angst.
4. The additional twist at the end, where Jorge is humming (possibly the Wizard of Oz) left me completely lost for words yet thinking and debating long after I'd finished.

Areas to Consider:

Use of the word "backside" in first line, infers bum/bottom to me - is that a Brit thing? "reverse" might work better if that bothers you.

I like that you have used italics to highlight his thoughts. In some places this is crystal clear but in others, because your MC is also sometimes the narrator I found myself getting distracted thinking some of his narration sounded like thoughts and should perhaps have been in italics too. E.G "Only a temporary ceasefire" & "This was the mother of all lunatic acts, and the number wasn’t even valid".

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC. I have a feeling we'll be seeing a lot more from you!

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
103
103
Review of Dont We All  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Don't We All'. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work, you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

A very thought provoking piece of writing which I could really relate to. An average woman having an average day when an non-average stranger says something that completely changes her world.

Favourite Elements:

I love it when our assumptions and attitudes are challenged by seemingly simple and ordinary words or situations. You write about a very normal situation and yet you keep your reader interested. I think many of us can relate to your MC when she admits to having generous days and not so generous days and when your 'bum' delivers his powerful words they really hit home.

Areas to Consider:

The only thing I would try to develop more is a sense of 'where' your character is emotionally. We all have days where we're not 'in the mood' but you could show us her irritation through her actions. She could be drumming her fingers on the dashboard or clicking her tongue - both of which show her feelings and add to the tension you created with her dialogue and thoughts.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
104
104
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Dark Forest Serenade'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A spine tingling tale which takes the reader on an mis-adventure into the forest with a small group of boys acting on a dare.

Favourite Elements:

There are some beautifully descriptive passages which create an impressive atmosphere of suspense. In particular I loved the opening "under the thick canopy of leaves the daylight only managed to brighten the forest to a permanent twilight" which cleverly depicts an oppressive, eerie environment.

There is a subtlety in this writing too, for example, when Nicoli adjusts his jacket I really felt his heightened unease and growing agitation.

Areas to Consider:

Not sure if this is a style/preference thing but when you say "his breath caught up in his throat" I'm not sure the 'up' is necessary.
"as her tongue ran over the wound as she drank" repetition of the word 'as' could be avoided, perhaps by using "while"?

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


105
105
Review of Santa is real  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Santa is real'. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

A heart warming tale of a family's financially and emotionally tough Christmas which through the generosity of good friends and neighbours became a most, special and always treasured Christmas.

Favourite Elements:

This tale brought tears to my eyes, it was written in such a 'down to earth' way that it made the events all that more special. The depth of appreciation felt by the family and the humility shown by them show exceptional strength and kindness of spirit. A beautiful tale.

Areas to Consider:

A few typo type things...

"we had made itthrough this far" Not sure if the word 'it' is missing?
"confident everything would work out. and he He added not to worry about" I think this might work as two separate sentences.
" needed to go by and pick them" I'm not sure whether the 'go by and' is perhaps superfluous. It might slow the sentence unnecessarily.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
106
106
Review of Railroad Ties  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Railroad Ties'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:


A poem inspired by the sound of a nearby train. This poem makes you wonder at the marvels of the imagination, that one breaking sound can trigger so many thoughts and create such a lovely, personal piece of work.


Favourite Elements:


"Better a reminder.....Explore the findings of today"

I love these lines in particular; they are subtle yet clear and the language choice is really thought provoking - quite stunning really. A very, very mature way of encouraging the reader to let go of past hurts, not to let them twist and destort over time. This section is written with an experienced hand, very intelligently delivered.

Areas for further consideration:


Nothing that I can think of.

Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
107
107
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Facebook Dilemma'. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

A brief rollercoaster ride of emotions as the MC shares the experience of stumbling across a half-sister on the ever-popular Facebook application. An anxious dilemma of 'do they / don't they' make contact and what would it mean if they did?

Favourite Elements:

The bitter, painful memory of what happened in the past is well illustrated with the word 'Slut', but I particularly like that this is offset with the remembered innocence of the little toddler the MC remembers meeting.

"My father, my hero and, as I would repeatedly discover, my useless waste of tears" these very painful memories are remembered with very powerful words.

Areas to Consider:

" I knew they were not my mother’s but this is unnerving." For some reason I had to re-read this sentence to 'tie it' back to the previous one. Perhaps it could be made clearer, for example " I knew these features had not come from me mother.." However this might just be me!

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
108
108
Review of Broom Service  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Broom Service'. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

A convincing journey into the memories of a highly disturbed mind.

Favourite Elements:

I had no idea where you were going with a title like 'broom service', I instantly loved the phrase. It felt real, warm and friendly. The fact that it wasn't the most sensible nor the easiest method of transport between abodes only added to the charm of it.

I was then staggered at how the tone of the piece then changed. What started as a familiar, friendly remembering (which made me feel a sense of sadness as I discovered there was far more to this character) then changed to shock as a sinister side to his character came through.

The writer in my opinion demonstrated great talent by quickly and convincingly changing my feelings towards the MC. Where I started feeling pity, I then moved to empathy, to maternal protectiveness and finally I was left in fear of him.

Areas to Consider:

Picky, picky but the repeated use of the word "still" in quick succession in paragraph 2 detracts from the natural flow, maybe try 'always' or 'continues'?

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
109
109
Review of Illusion  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Illusion'. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions:

An interesting window into an adults memory of time spent as a child with a much loved grandparent. The writer shares the idea that sleep is a peaceful escape from the harsh, painful realities of the world. Through the eyes of the remembered child he recognises the look of freedom written on the face of his sleeping grandparent.

Favourite Elements:

"Thinking was once his best companion. And thinking is now his worst enemy." This was a clever way of describing the character and the mental situation of your MC. That something so intrinsic to his nature could have become so damaging gives the reader a good feeling for how this persons world has changed.

I love the way you helped the reader identify sleep as a means of escaping hardship and finding peace.

Areas to Consider:

Personally I find a solid block of text quite difficult to read. Try breaking this piece up into bite-size chunks, maybe 2 or 3 sections and then increase the line spacing. It helps your reader and it also makes it a lot easier for you to spot typos and such when you are proof reading.

"At that very moment his mind takes him 18 years before." This line led me to anticipate a reliving of the memory not a retelling of the memory. What I mean is, that I anticipated the MC saying "I was lying on a my bed..." rather than "He remember..."

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
110
110
Review of FILIGREE ANGELS  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Filigree Angels'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:

A gorgeous, magical poem about the simplicity of falling snow and the beauty of a childs innocence.

Favourite Elements:

I loved all of it, some of the imagery was just stunning. Your language is filled with warmth and love -it was a truly beautiful read.

Areas for further consideration:

You could 'perfect' this by looking at your rhyming and the number of syllables in each line but that is a little finicky of me!

Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
111
111
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Best Ghoul Ever'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A disturbing and emotional story which touches on the trauma felt every day by a couple who lost their son.

Favourite Elements:

It has to be the bit where Marnie saw her Son's eyes behind the mask. It made the hair on my arms stand on edge, even though I almost couldn't bring myself to believe it was true. I also liked the 'Bah Humbugs don't get candy' it made me smile. It felt very real and I could imagine those words being spoken.

"He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up" this is perhaps the most effective line for me, because you are really communicating his feelings without 'telling' us what he was thinking.

Areas to Consider:

This might be me getting confused but I thought I'd share my thoughts on your narration choices just incase they proved helpful. Have a think about who you want to be the main person telling the story. Is it a 3rd person narrator or is it Brad? For example:
"It was good to see her have fun" reads like Brad telling the tale. "Another year was coming round" this could be your 3rd person, then again it could be Brads thoughts. The opening paragraph sounds like a 3rd person.

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


112
112
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Christmas at Maison du Renard Rouge'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A subtle, gentle tale which takes the reader on a short, heart-warming journey where one person helps another,who helps another, who reminds another about the magic of Christmas and desire to believe in something good.

Favourite Elements:

It was a pleasure to read something which illustrates the nicer, kinder side of humanity. This tale leaves the readedr with a warm heart, a knowing smile and a sense of optimism.

I loved the ending, a clever second of humour and a moment of glee as I realised Walker was right!

Areas to Consider:

I felt like I was missing nuggets of information that would have made the story 'hang together' more cohesively for me. Is there a 'before' and 'after' segment to this item or is it meant as a stand along piece? E.g the maison, the limousene, Sam and The Cavern are all presented like the reader already knows more about them. Apologies if I'm misreading this.

Other than that,

Once again, thank you for sharing.

P.S - Thank you very much for your auto-reward GPs but I have returned them as it is my good fortune to have been allowed to read your work, and your poor fortune to have to read my review *Wink*

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


113
113
Review of Winter Solstice  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Winter Solstice'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A brief snapshot poem which tells of the moments when winter departs and spring begins to make an appearance.

Favourite Elements:

I liked all of it! It is short, clear, simple and subtle without being too clever. Any reader could follow and understand these words though I imagine it could be a good exercise in 'imaginative thinking' if it were read to older children; could they work out what was being written about? I'd like to think there was enough in here for them to come up with an answer.


Areas to Consider:

Nothing - hence the 5!

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


114
114
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Road Finally Travelled'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique. I love poetry but I find it very difficult to review so please take these comments as my general thoughts on how your poem made me feel.

General Impressions.

This piece does a wonderful job of communicating an overwhelming sense of sadness for the journey life has taken thus far; with the exception of much loved children arriving on the scene, much of this feels heavy with disappointment. The tone of the very last few lines change completely when the reader see a transformation as love blossoms and hope returns.

Favourite Elements:

There are many beautiful lines in this piece, but the one which stands out for me the most is "The barbed wire that surrounded my heart, corroded". An elegant choice of simple words which leave the reader in no doubt that things have forever changed for the better.

I also found the section where you talk of the hopes and fears you have for your children to be very moving.

Areas to Consider:

"Became comfortable in my inner misery" I'm not entirely sure why, but for me this line feels as though it might flow a little better if it read "with my inner misery" like it had become an unwitting partner.


Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


115
115
Review of Believe  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Closch,

Thank you for sharing your short story on here and congratulations on your Writer Cramp win.

I loved your story, it was exactly what I wanted to read before I finish for the day, a nice feel good story with a happy ending and a warm, friendly character I could instantly like.

You do a lovely job of capturing the excitement of a simple activity like collecting the mail - I feel the same way about post. I think it's the 'what'if' possibilities of unopened letters.

This is a nicely written, uncomplicated, feel good story - and I like it all the more because you kept the story simple and tight. Every line added something to the character or the plot.

My only suggestion (well it's an after thought really) would be to have a third party show the reader how generous Krista has been (early on in the story), maybe through an answer phone message where we hear how she got a gift 'just right' for someone. That way when Santa reiterates her kindnessand generosity later, we're not getting new information - we already know she deserves this good news so all we have to get our heads round is the fact that Santa is real!

Nicely done & Welcome to WDC.

KX
116
116
Review of 10:45  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work '10:45'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:
A poignant poem relating the feelings of friendship, love and loss through the telling of a daily activity now no longer needed.


Favourite Elements:
"She's always answer with a smile' I love that feeling when you call someone and you can 'hear' them smiling own the phone. This line was really touching and felt very 'real' to me.
I enjoyed the pace and the flow of this poem too, the rhyming of the second and fourth lines worked well, and is carried on consistently throughout the who poem.

Areas for further consideration:
The last two lines of stanza 3 felt slightly out of balance, perhaps too many syllables to tie in with the previous lines in the verse?

Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

Kx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
117
117
Review of Black Hole  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Black Hole'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:
A free-form piece of poetry which captures the pain and heart ache of a broken relationship.

Favourite Elements:
I think you use some great vocabulary in this piece. In particular I really like the following:
"Damaged, broken and full of regret" a great choice of strong, emotive words to convey the sense of pain.
"I will not choose to be a mess" simple words yet very inspiring.

Areas for further considersation:
You describe the piece as "heartbreak when you end a relationship" I would have liked to have felt more of that decision coming through in your words.


Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

Kx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
118
118
Review of lead  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'lead'. I personally find poetry quite difficult to review there fore I tend to comment on how the piece made me feel and where it took me.

General Impression:
An interesting piece written from the perspective of the woman who is happy with her man taking the lead in their relationship, yet this piece also highlights how the woman can lead from behind too.

Favourite Elements:
The implication is that the man is boss, sometimes at the expense of his partner "you never look to see me stumble" but equally in certain places, this reads like perfect teamwork "i was that light that let you shine,the one who sparked new ideas in your mind." This last quote is just lovely.

Areas for further considersation:
Not much - just a couple of typo, style suggestions:
Do you mean 'Gait' in place of 'gape'?
"I was the light that..." not sure if 'the' sounds smoother than 'that' - one to think about?
"Where were you ..to" Missing '?'
Typo at the end 'supposed' to do.


Thanks again, and I wish you a warm Welcome to WDC.

Kx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
119
119
Review of Brothers  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work Brothers. I understand that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.
Wow! A lovely, heart warming tribute to someone very special.

Favourite Elements:
I like the language you've used. It reads like you are saying the words out loud. There is no falsehood in your words, they feel heart felt and genuine. It reads really nicely, my favourite two lines are "You're usually the man in front, paving the way with reckless ambition. And I'm the guy at the back, making sure you don't get hurt. You're a man of action, and I'm a man of patience" because they speak volumes about the depth and the longevity of your relationship.

Areas to Consider:
At the end, you say 'contend' together - do you mean 'compete'? A couple of your sentences in the first paragraph start with 'And'; I was always told this was a 'no-no' but I don't believe that is the case at all. However you do use it fairly frequently, which can make sentences sound a bit choppy, like they should be part of one sentence but aren't. A stylistic choice I believe but maybe something to consider in the future.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
120
120
Review of Help?  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Help'. I know that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.
A broad introduction for a romantic/fiction story/novel. The MC's background is outlined and a motive for her decisions is provided.

Favourite Elements:
You have asked for help with how to start your story but for me - that's pretty much what you already have. To me, this could be a prologue and if not it certainly gives you plenty of issues which you can weave throughout your MC interactions with her old lover.

I like the implied connection between the older MC and the visiting Zach. The casual confidence with which he greeted her seemed a little arrogant - but that can be great for an antagonistic, passionate and firely relationship.

This outline took me back to the days of Mills and Boon, which I used to read ninety-to-the-dozen as a teenager. I have no idea if this is what you are aiming for, but it'sperhaps something to consider.

Areas to Consider:

I think you need to consider her motives for not telling him in the first place. Letting him go to Med School is very magnanimous but unless she had a lot of emotional/financial backing - I'm not sure how she would have been able to 'do it alone' and to not tell him - is huge. The reason, motive, guilt surrounding all this, need to be thoroughly considered becuase I suspect this will play an intrinsic part in how Zach and your MC move forward after meeting up again.

From a credibility point of view - again I think you need to be clear how she got through her studies and to the position she is in with a small child in tow. The world is harsh, training to be a lawyer is incredibly demanding - she must have struck gold finding an accomodating firm. This can all be addressed in your story if you work out her backstory in more depth.

I've only written two novels and a handful of short stories - all of which are on here, none of which are published, so I'm not sure my advice will be as helpful as some on here. But for my part, when it comes to getting started on your story I would ask you two question.

Do you like your outline? Do you like your characters? If so, then I would say 'believe in them' and 'believe in yourself' - they are the two most important elements. Then it is a case of picking up that pen, or sitting at your computer start writing.

Some things you might like to consider if you can't quite 'get going' would be to start by asking questions of your characters and your stories.

1) What is your MC character called, what is her background - why would going it alone be a reasonable thing for her to do?
2) Who is in the background helping her - anyone / no one / another secondary character that perhaps brings humour to your tale?
3) Has she thought of Zach since leaving school? Why did she never tell him? Has she met anyone else?
4) What has Zach been doing? What is he doing now? Why is he back in her life? How will he react to seeing her, then seing Sam?
5) What do you want for your characters - what role will Sam play?
6) Ask yourself where they are, their environment, the scene they are in. What other environments do they exist in?

I should say that this is all recycled advice - another writer suggested that interviewing your characters is a good way to get the ball rolling, and it does help.

Anyway, good luck!

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
121
121
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Waiting for Christmas Morning'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A feel good, fast paced peek into the world of Mr & Mrs Claus in the run up to Christmas.

Favourite Elements:

It had to be Santa eating the chilli dog. The way it was written was wonderfully mischievous and I could feel the steam of frustration almost bursting out of Mrs Claus ears in exasperation.

Areas to Consider:

"seemed to go insane and appeared to forget" the words 'appeared to' feel unnecessary - slowing the pace a little and using up valuable word count space in a short word-count competition. You've already hinted at 'hesitancy' with 'seemed to' so it probably doesn't need repeating.

When Mrs Claus hears about the naughty/nice list being altered I was half expecting her to say 'next year we need a cut off point' - that's probably the Mum in me trying to persuade my own mini-beasts that the can't just be good for a few days *Wink* and expect those presents to arrive!

LAast, quick question - Is Joey Marshall anyone significant? Am I missing something?

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


122
122
Review of Meeting Him  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Meeting Him'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique.

General Impressions.

A lovely, magical poem which tells the story of the man who recognised Santa.

Favourite Elements:

I like that a whole story unfolds in each verse, you have a beginning a middle and a really nice end. I approve of the shopping extravaganza at the end *Wink* but more than that, the perfect present as you say is meeting the man himself.

Areas to Consider:

The fifth stanza feels slightly out of balance with the rest of the poem, I think the last two lines are so long - that the rhythm is momentarily lost. Try counting the number of syllables in each line and seeing what your rhyming pattern is. It can help the reader with the flow, if the pattern is consistent throughout the whole poen. Not essential - but it can help!

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


123
123
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ah - this made me smile! I can just imagine the outrage following the publication of Version 1. Most of us are animal lovers at heart.

Again - very nicely told, and I was pleased to see the happy ending.

Thanks for pointing me in the direction of Version 2.

Kxx
124
124
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
** My apologies for any distracting English/American spelling variations**

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'The Last Snowflake'.

I hope that my observations are in someway helpful, though I ask you to take into account that what I offer is only a personal opinion as an enthusiastic reader and not an attempt at a professional critique. This is actually the first piece of prose I've attempted to review so my apologies if it is somewhat clumsy.

General Impressions.

A magical story which illustrates the 'circle of life' beautifully and simply. A friendly and informal style written in a very open and accessible manner. This is a piece of writing which to my mind could appeal to both older children and adults.

Favourite Elements:

The following lines are presented at the beginning and then repeated at the end "Twirling, spinning and drifting toward the earth", this is a lovely way of reiterating the circular nature of the tale. I do believe you suggested this technique on a piece I wrote not so long ago and it's nice to see it so nicely illustrated in this work.

"fluttering shower of pink petals" - again these are such simple words, but I love them. They are delightfully uncomplicated and the reader can instantly visualise what is being described.

Areas to Consider:

I read the part where the last snowflake gives a 'shiver' before melting, it was the only part that didn't quite work so smoothly for me. The shiver almost contradicts the fact that the world is warming up and that she is in fact melting. Because of the inevitability of the circle of life, it felt as thought she might 'sigh' almost in acceptance of that last second of her existence. This comment feels extremely picky, and to be fair, it doesn't detract from my enjoyment of what you've have written - hence my 5 rating.

Once again, thank you for sharing.

Kxx

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


125
125
Review of Just Remember Me  Open in new Window.
Review by MumstheWord Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work 'Just Remember Me'. I appreciate that placing your work on here for feedback takes courage and I hope in sharing my thoughts on your work you appreciate that what I offer is a personal opinion - not an expert critique.

General Impressions.

A very thought provoking and well written piece which takes the reader on a surreal journey. The story was very well written and kept me hooked in from the very beginning even though it really only started to make sense as all the loose ends came together at the very end.

Favourite Elements:

I like the way the real world keeps interrupting her hallucination - it's very well done. I also like the sense of peace with which she lets go at the end, for all the trauma that has passed before and the terror of not knowing who or where she is, that final realisation is one of quiet acceptance.

Areas to Consider:

The only thing I was debating was whether it might have even more impact if it were written in the present tense. E.G " I look around at my surroundings. Who am I? Huge skyscrapers tower above me, while people rush past" I wondered whether it might make it all more current, and perhaps the emotions that bit more heightened. Just a thought for consideration.

Once again, thank you for sharing and I wish you a warm welcome to WDC.

Kxx


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
187 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 8 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kaylee/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5