You had a few really long sentences. I would find a way to change them into smaller ones. Here's an example: This included an early morning mass ten miles away, a home school art class at her own home immediately afterwards, then skipping a crabby four-year-old's nap to take two teenagers in the raging snow to their carpool ten miles away for a weekend youth group retreat, then back home to watch a friend's daughter while she took a Holy Hour at church, then cooking dinner & immediately afterwards driving a child an hour away to Toledo to spend the weekend with her Godparents for her Godsister's confirmation.
Also, I would replace the ampersands with the word "and."
Bless your heart, this is a beautiful story. Another reviewer pointed out some tiny flaws, but to me they were'nt important. (Besides, why repeat them...even if they were!)
This one tugged at my heart strings. I'm sure it's because my father has Alzheimer's. He's still at home with mom (who is now developing dimentia herself...sigh). Each evening, they sit on the sofa together and Mom tells him all about their lives together - 55 years. He still remembers who she is, but he often forgest about much of their time together. So she repeats their story for him each night. At the end, she always says, "And we've been married now for 55 years - and if you count the time we were going steady too, we've been together for almost 60 years. And we still love each other!"
Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Any story that can make me feel - sad or happy - that makes my heart sing or makes tears trickle, or that makes me think...that's a great story in my book.
This is a well written request asking for advice on whether or not to attend the Poetry.com convention.
I did find one error:
Eveing gowns (Should be evening gowns)
As to the advice, I would read and re-read that link you were given about what the scam of Poetry.com. Many have written horrible poetry just to see if they would select it as a "winner"...and they did! Every "poet" I've ever known to submit to them is selected as a winner - and asked to start sending money...for anthologies, for trips, etc.
A real poetry contest will award prizes, not ask for money to receive awards.
Thanks for sharing. Much needs to be shared about this scam!
Interesting poll. Hmmm. Like the majority of your voters, I picked, "A long piece that lost the plot halfway through." But that's true mostly of writings other than poetry. I think my real gripe in poetry is rhyming that is sing-songy. I rather like free verse myself...
I love it! Although I'm not that well endowed myself, my mother is and my grandmother was...and they both always had this problem. You explained it well and made me laugh to boot. That always deserves a 5 in my book - near flawless writing and giving me a chuckle are worth a bunch!
Good poem, I think. The questions are ones I've also expressed. As one who likes to awake to watch the dawn and watch the birds and squirrels come to life, it's hard to understand how others question the existence of a Creator. I noticed that your reviews and ratings on this have been low, probably because they've been done by those who don't believe. Perhaps having this on the public review page will attract more who do believe. I hope so.
Good job. I'm not sure how I missed this before Christmas, but I'm glad I found it now. Indeed, our kids need to be taught that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. And certainly has nothing to do with huge blow-up Grinches in the yard!
Sometimes kids only need a small suggestion to help them come around to what should be. I once did a children's sermon and asked a simple question. "How would you feel if it was your birthday and everyone was exchanging gifts with each other, but not even singing "happy birthday" to you?"
The kids ended up making a birthday cake for Jesus. They got the point.
This could be a good story, but it needs some work. First, it needs to be proofread for spelling errors. There are a few. Secondly, it should be more than one paragraph. And thirdly, where there are conversations, they should be put in quotation marks.
Welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here. Do let me know if you correct this one, so I can come back and review again.
Another interesting poll. Interesting that most folks claim to rate/review all or most of what they read...and yet so many are complaining that they're not being rated and/or reviewed. Go figure.
Thanks again for this one.
Blessings,
Kenzie
P.S. Hmmm. Am I reading that no answer wrong? Should it be "I'd rather give no rating than a bad one?" Just wondered.
Interesting poll. So are the results, I think. I wonder what most people think they'll be getting in support here. I'm one that chooses not to repeat the same things other reviewers have said. For instance, I just checked the public review page, and one reviewer did a revies with over 13,000 characters. (And not just taken up by signatures...) If I read that same piece, I'll probably mention the other reviewer who already pointed out all the errors in grammar and spelling. But I certainly won't clog the writer's inbox with another repeat of the same.
Anyway, thanks for this one. Sometimes polls make you think...
What a moving piece. You've explained the situation well. There are many situations like this that society ignores, leaving the "care-taking" to families who just don't have the resources.
Your last part says it all:
"Institutionalisation of the mentally ill may be an inhumane response to the problem. But leaving these people, and their families, to cope on their own, with inadequate support and little hope, is an abdication of our responsibility as a society to care for those in most need."
What a great story. Being a salesman/person isn't really so bad. But being a door-to-door salesperson, now that's a different story. As you so aptly pointed out. Indeed, there are other jobs - like tollbooth person - that would appeal to more folks.
While I was reading, I noticed one thing I would change. But as I kept reading, I forgot what it was. I guess it wasn't really that important. Sorry.
You're lucky to have found such a friend as this. It did read just a bit awkwardly because the lines are such different lengths. But the message is great!
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Some good thoughts here, well expressed. Personally, I wouldn't have used "bad" language on the same page as one talking about what the Bible says. But that's me...
We never know what tomorrow will or won't bring. Waiting to be nice probably doesn't work then...
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
- Winston Churchill
As another reviewer said, this is ambitious. But I think you described time quite well in this poem. I also liked how you placed the words to appear they were falling...
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Any healthy man can go without food for two days -- but not without poetry." -Charles Baudelaire
Poems are difficult to rate, for me anyway. They often are personal and mean something only to those who have written them or for the intended recipient. In this case, the words were heartfelt. My only suggestion would be to change "I seen" since it's not grammatically correct.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Good job, Incurable Romantic. I don't know how I missed this one, but I saw it mentioned in the public reviews. I do enjoy seeing the love you had for Linda.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
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