Okay, this was well written and a bit funny too. But I wonder if the joke isn't really on you. Poetry is certainly very personal, much like abstract art in my mind. It therefore often gets different reactions from different people. In your joke poem, your word choices and groupings were interesting. I could see how others would compliment your word choices while still being confused about the overall meanings.
Writers are all different. Some scream for honest and brutal reviews. Others never intend to be professional and just write for their own pleasure. They often don't want brutal feedback; they just want to know if their words touched others.
Readers are all different too. I know some who read novels with red pens and get excited when they find errors that book editors missed. Others read for pleasure and ignore mistakes if the words on the pages speak to them.
This is pretty good. The only thing I might change is at the end. You've uniformly written the first two verses. Then the last verse loses the rhythm or flow, with that one line being so line. Perhaps it would be better to complete that verse to match the others, then add those last two lines at the end. Just a thought.
I'm certain God will be pleased with these words. It's people - like me - who might wonder at the rhyming pattern of this one. Sometimes trying to rhyme too many lines with the same rhyme results in forced rhymes. Also, poems that rhyme usually have similar line lengths so that the rhythm or flow is right.
This is quite passionate. With passion comes action, and writing is certainly one such action.
Some suggestions:
that happen to use as we get older (us)
Only when a person has determined to change their life and commits them-self to change what is going on in their world will they take a chance.
Only when a person has determined to change his/her life and commits himself/herself to change what is going on in his/her world will they take a chance.
or...
Only when people have determined to change their lives and committed themselves to changing what is going on in their world will they take a chance.
I think there are people needing a helping hand everywhere. Even here.
This is a beautiful reminder of what your father taught you about life and love. You were truly blessed.
One suggestion. I would watch verb tense if I were you. Since this is written in the past tense, I would change these:
You taught me that my feelings really do matter even if there are some who do not seem to care; and that it's okay to change my mind after I have calmed down rather than make harsh decisions in anger.
You taught me that my fellings really did matter even if there were some who did not seem to care; and that it was okay to change my mind...
...you told me not to want something just because somebody else has it. You taught me to be thankful for what I have and to be satisfied.
...you told me not to want something just because somebody else had it. You taught me to be thankful for what I had and to be satisfied.
Also...there is a sentence early on, I think in the first paragraph, where you missed having a capital letter at the beginning of the sentence.
Again, this is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
What beautiful word crafting. And that it is a metaphor about parenting makes it even more beautiful. What a great way to think about how a child - each of us - matures and how parenting fits into that process.
Good one. I'm glad this was highlighted in the spiritual newsletter. It reminds me of Jonathan Swift's quote, "We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another."
This is wonderful. How anyone could possibly give this less than a 5 is beyond me. If I could give it a 10, I would. The wording is great, but the emotion behind the words comes out as if we were there experiencing your joy.
School should be remembered as a good experience. Sadly, that's not always the case anymore. I think it's because schools don't teach the joy of learning. Oh well....
If I read this correctly, you're still rather young to be realizing that school is a good memory.
Some suggestions:
It is this place that has provided me with the fondest of memories and the happiest of times.
Since your piece is written in the past tense, I'd change this sentence to, "It was" or "It has been."
On being asked I replied “the teacher had said ‘you should eat vitamin tablets tomorrow’ and I have not.â€
This sentence is a bit confusing. I think I understand.... "On being asked why, I replied, "yesterday the teacher said, 'you should eat vitamin tablets tomorrow' and I have not." Or some such... This is still a bit confusing.
What an interesting poll. To vote - and give "advice", folks have to read the stories you've linked. Pretty creative way of getting folks to read your other stories or story sketches.
I wonder...which of these you like best or feel you'd like to pursue?
What a hoot! You've explained what happens with some women and menopause rather well, and with a great sense of humor. We must keep a sense of humor while going through this. And husbands have to be near saints as we do...
Good job! I'm glad you included this in your comment for the spiritual newsletter. The poem has a great message. I like how it's formatted too, with the question at the end of each verse.
The bulldozer and front-end loader circle the small field behind my house like a pair of doddering old dancers long past their prime.
I liked that you kept calling them dancers too.
Perhaps this hit home because I remember when this happened to our neighborhood as a child. One day our neighborhood was the home to horses, cows, chickens and goats. Then in no time at all, there were 300 homes built in what used to be a farmer's field. Sad.
Excellent! The rhyme and rhythm are good, and the explanation? Well, I'm certain that my 20 year old son would understand perfectly about having a banana in your brain. No wonder you received an award for this on.
Thanks for sharing. I must send a link to this to my son.
Good job. Another reviewer pointed out the few minor problems, so I won't repeat them. Like that reviewer, I wouldn't want you showing up at my door...
This story actually probably hits home to most writers. (Except for the ending, of course.) Often, the writings we think are the best are the ones others find "unfocused."
What a wonderful story. It's well written, of course. But it also holds a great lesson. I like that.
Isn't it interesting that God can send other humans or even his creatures to help us learn?
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral." --Antoine De Saint-Exupery
Good story. I had just the slightest idea what that secret was at the begining, but that didn't detract from the story at all. I would suggest that you rate this a bit higher...so that young folks don't stumble upon it and learn this secret themselves.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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Sometimes trying to rhyme too many lines with the same rhyme results in forced rhymes. Also, poems that rhyme usually have similar line lengths so that the rhythm or flow is right.
