Excellent. You've shared the outrageous behavior of the US in this as well as the fact that they have not righted this wrong. And you've updated us on what Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam has been up to since we last heard him sing.
Like you, I worry that people with "wrong sounding" names will be stopped from entering our country. Conversely, wouldn't any terrorist just have to call himself John Smith? Hmmm.
Good story. Good lesson too. Another reviewer went over this quite well, pointing out many suggestions for making it "perfect", so I won't repeat them.
Welcome to Writing.com. And thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Wow, what a beautiful story. It kept my interest so well, that if there were any "mistakes", I didn't make note of them. What lessons there are in this one. Well done.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing." -Enrique Jardiel Poncela
I like this one. My friend's daughter asked recently if I like to whistle. I guess I do. I seem to whistle all the time!
But this poem, although a bit funny, made me sad too. My mom - in her aging dementia - hears music all the time, but especially as she lays down her head at night to sleep. Poor thing. She hears what she usually likes - Gospel music. But when she's trying to sleep...
Anyway, enough of that. Good poem. Thanks for sharing.
This is a beautiful story of friendship - the forever kind. You were blessed to have such a friend and such a friendship. And so was she. I am sorry for that loss - to you and to the world.
I loved this line! She’s my friend and friends are there for each other, in both gloom and bloom.
Some suggestions:
Although most of this was written in past tense, there are some places where you've slipped into present tense. In a few cases, you had both in a single sentence.
She told me that there is a chance of survival. (was)
My distress, if compared to Mia’s agony, is just a trifling pinch comapred to the hard blows life dealt out to Mia. (was)
She appeared to be calm though I knew that deep down in her heart, she was screaming with the sheer frustration in knowing that the end is here and she is incapable of doing anything. (was here - or was near - and she was incapable of doing anything)
These small problems don't take anything away from the beauty of your writing about this friendship.
This is certainly an emotional, heart-felt poem. I'm sorry for your experience. And I do understand that Christmas can be bittersweet because of it.
My only suggestion would be to read this aloud. Sometimes in doing that, we discover a line or two that needs tweaking to make the poem flow more easily.
Wow. What a poem. Yes, it's Seuss-like in the rhyme and rhythm. But the message? Quite a wake-up call, I think.
My 20 year old son asked just recently if I thought anything had really changed since I was young...about discrimination. I told him that people are rejected each day because of their faith, color, gender, age and size. Hopefully, it won't always be so.
What a beautiful story/poem. It has that Dr. Seuss sound to it. The rhymes work and the repetition is just what kids liked about Dr. Seuss. Well done.
And of course...the message is certainly good. If you're looking for ways to share (and not necessarily making a fortune), this would make a good reading at public schools or libraries.
Good poem. Good rhymes. There are a few lines that I might shorten a bit. Reading this aloud might help recognize them. Even without changing them, though, this is good. About a horrible subject.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
This is a beautifully told story about something not so beautiful. You've categorized it as a short story, but also as experience. I hope this isn't a true story.
There might have been a few things I might change, but I got so engrossed in the story I forgot to make note of them.
Good job. Good rhymes and rhythm. And the message is great. Christmas time is often lonely and depressing for those who are alone. But we're not alone. And with an open heart, the simple sound of church bells can remind us.
Vivian I read about your husband's illness in one of the prayer forums here. I knew you hadn't been around a lot recently. I'm glad that your friends here are standing by you...and some even talking on the phone with you. Know that you are in our prayers.
What a story. Well done. I wondered why part of it was typed in bold and part in regular type. Perhaps that was because of the flashback. Also, there were some places where you needed to add spaces between paragraphs.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
I found this poll mentioned in the public reviews. It's been up for a while, so has lots of votes. I almost had trouble answering this one. I'm not sure I ever really had a favorite fairyland character.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Interesting poll...with some interesting answers too, even if only 50 have responded so far. What I remember about Gumby is that he was on Sunday mornings, and unless we were sick and not attending church, we never saw him.
Thanks for the memories...
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
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