This could be a good story, but it needs some work. First, it needs to be proofread for spelling errors. There are a few. Secondly, it should be more than one paragraph. And thirdly, where there are conversations, they should be put in quotation marks.
Welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here. Do let me know if you correct this one, so I can come back and review again.
Another interesting poll. Interesting that most folks claim to rate/review all or most of what they read...and yet so many are complaining that they're not being rated and/or reviewed. Go figure.
Thanks again for this one.
Blessings,
Kenzie
P.S. Hmmm. Am I reading that no answer wrong? Should it be "I'd rather give no rating than a bad one?" Just wondered.
Interesting poll. So are the results, I think. I wonder what most people think they'll be getting in support here. I'm one that chooses not to repeat the same things other reviewers have said. For instance, I just checked the public review page, and one reviewer did a revies with over 13,000 characters. (And not just taken up by signatures...) If I read that same piece, I'll probably mention the other reviewer who already pointed out all the errors in grammar and spelling. But I certainly won't clog the writer's inbox with another repeat of the same.
Anyway, thanks for this one. Sometimes polls make you think...
What a moving piece. You've explained the situation well. There are many situations like this that society ignores, leaving the "care-taking" to families who just don't have the resources.
Your last part says it all:
"Institutionalisation of the mentally ill may be an inhumane response to the problem. But leaving these people, and their families, to cope on their own, with inadequate support and little hope, is an abdication of our responsibility as a society to care for those in most need."
What a great story. Being a salesman/person isn't really so bad. But being a door-to-door salesperson, now that's a different story. As you so aptly pointed out. Indeed, there are other jobs - like tollbooth person - that would appeal to more folks.
While I was reading, I noticed one thing I would change. But as I kept reading, I forgot what it was. I guess it wasn't really that important. Sorry.
You're lucky to have found such a friend as this. It did read just a bit awkwardly because the lines are such different lengths. But the message is great!
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Some good thoughts here, well expressed. Personally, I wouldn't have used "bad" language on the same page as one talking about what the Bible says. But that's me...
We never know what tomorrow will or won't bring. Waiting to be nice probably doesn't work then...
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm."
- Winston Churchill
As another reviewer said, this is ambitious. But I think you described time quite well in this poem. I also liked how you placed the words to appear they were falling...
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Any healthy man can go without food for two days -- but not without poetry." -Charles Baudelaire
Poems are difficult to rate, for me anyway. They often are personal and mean something only to those who have written them or for the intended recipient. In this case, the words were heartfelt. My only suggestion would be to change "I seen" since it's not grammatically correct.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Good job, Incurable Romantic. I don't know how I missed this one, but I saw it mentioned in the public reviews. I do enjoy seeing the love you had for Linda.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Excellent. You've shared the outrageous behavior of the US in this as well as the fact that they have not righted this wrong. And you've updated us on what Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam has been up to since we last heard him sing.
Like you, I worry that people with "wrong sounding" names will be stopped from entering our country. Conversely, wouldn't any terrorist just have to call himself John Smith? Hmmm.
Good story. Good lesson too. Another reviewer went over this quite well, pointing out many suggestions for making it "perfect", so I won't repeat them.
Welcome to Writing.com. And thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Wow, what a beautiful story. It kept my interest so well, that if there were any "mistakes", I didn't make note of them. What lessons there are in this one. Well done.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing." -Enrique Jardiel Poncela
I like this one. My friend's daughter asked recently if I like to whistle. I guess I do. I seem to whistle all the time!
But this poem, although a bit funny, made me sad too. My mom - in her aging dementia - hears music all the time, but especially as she lays down her head at night to sleep. Poor thing. She hears what she usually likes - Gospel music. But when she's trying to sleep...
Anyway, enough of that. Good poem. Thanks for sharing.
This is a beautiful story of friendship - the forever kind. You were blessed to have such a friend and such a friendship. And so was she. I am sorry for that loss - to you and to the world.
I loved this line! She’s my friend and friends are there for each other, in both gloom and bloom.
Some suggestions:
Although most of this was written in past tense, there are some places where you've slipped into present tense. In a few cases, you had both in a single sentence.
She told me that there is a chance of survival. (was)
My distress, if compared to Mia’s agony, is just a trifling pinch comapred to the hard blows life dealt out to Mia. (was)
She appeared to be calm though I knew that deep down in her heart, she was screaming with the sheer frustration in knowing that the end is here and she is incapable of doing anything. (was here - or was near - and she was incapable of doing anything)
These small problems don't take anything away from the beauty of your writing about this friendship.
This is certainly an emotional, heart-felt poem. I'm sorry for your experience. And I do understand that Christmas can be bittersweet because of it.
My only suggestion would be to read this aloud. Sometimes in doing that, we discover a line or two that needs tweaking to make the poem flow more easily.
Wow. What a poem. Yes, it's Seuss-like in the rhyme and rhythm. But the message? Quite a wake-up call, I think.
My 20 year old son asked just recently if I thought anything had really changed since I was young...about discrimination. I told him that people are rejected each day because of their faith, color, gender, age and size. Hopefully, it won't always be so.
Blessings,
Kenzie
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kenzie/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/46
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.75 seconds at 5:59am on Sep 08, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
