Dragon Believer-
Really good start to what can be an awesome folder of poetry. I don't really like poetry or write it myself.
But, they do teach as part of creative writing for some reason. Great Job! Try different styles or create some poetry to go along with your Novels.
-kevin82
Dragon Believer-
Overall, Excellent collection of Signatures and headers that anyone would be proud to own.
Fantastic, use of detail, colors, imagery, and message.
Very dramatic and impressive. Great Job!!
Sorry, that I didn't get to your stories, yet.
Don't tell your freinds, but I'm finishing you first.
-kevin82
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82 Read: 1-27-06 Rated: 4.0 Title: Stones and Silence Author: Đragon Believer Genre: Fantasy :: Mythology :: Supernatural Type: Short Story
--Feedback--
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: I found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: I found no errors
Layout: paragraphs are indented.
Plot: Sean is offered to take the place of Merlin in modern London.
Point of View: 1st Person
Protagonist: Sean, Emily
Antagonist: N/A
Concept: A young man goes to London for spring break with his girlfriend and receives an offer to take over for Merlin by the knights of the round table.
Clarity: As a short story this leaves us with more than a few questions. As something larger those questions need to be answered.
Imagery: very good
Description-
People: Good- Emily, Sean, Arthur.
Places: Good, The Hotel room.
Things: n/a
Landscape: Minimal for London & Stonehenge.
Scene: This Author uses description & dialogue to set the scene.
Setting: London, present day.
Detail: very good
Fighting/Action Sequences: Good, The Battle
Flow: smooth, even
Pace: moderate, steady
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, sound, touch
Dialogue: Excellent, but you may want to make the tour guide a little bit more English.
Character Development: Sean seemed an average young man. Emily had the quirks that made her character more interesting.
Overall Feeling: I liked the story overall ; however, I was left with many unanswered questions. Why was Sean picked to replace Merlin there was no indication that he was involved in magic. What was he picked for? No real reason was given as to why Merlin needed a replacement what evil resides in and around London that there would be any need for his replacement.
Suggestions: I would certainly make this longer answering the above questions. Go back through the review as you revise and revise any item that was less than excellent. Add an antagonist for Sean to be up against.
Dragon Believer-
Overall excellent collection of signatures.
The Dragon Believer message stands out and is your hallmark. Very nice use of colors, imagery, and detail.
A proud collection of different signatures for many different operations reviewing, signing, and raiding.
-kevin82
Angel-
Awesome contest, very strightforward, easy to understand. Have fun!!! very well laid out, good use of colors. I personally do not write poetry, I have read some and see it's purpose, but I just don't like writting it. Very good job setting this all up!
-kevin82
SR Urie-
Welcome to writing.com you will like it here.
Editing Notes:
-All corrections in parenthesis-
“Dangit’ Steve, I’m gonna’ get that jerk Larry.” Budd saide (said), pacing back and forth in anger.
“What time is it?” she asked herself. “You two bumbs (bums)wake me up at two thirty in the morning to ask me what time it is?
Very good use of imagery, landscaping, and setting. You used three of six senses in your writing sight, sound, and touch. The primary emotion used was Anger which you showed and told. Minimal typos.
Overall Feeling- I liked it! and if it's a true story I understand that you don't want to steer from what happened, the truth. However, this would be much better if it was longer and fiction in other words you had me on the porch w/ the boys which in a 1st person narration is difficult to do. But, after they ran I was no more scared than the boys were.
Summary: I think that if you made this longer and the boys haunted all the way home it would be better.
shattered_tear-
Wow, very impressive so much emotion & imagery packed into just a few lines. I really liked this. So much of your heart & soul, so revealing. If this is you or the way you actually feel I hope that your stay here will convince you that you have found a home with friends that are honest, and that you can count on.
If not and this is just a creation I highly suggest that you consider writing a short story or Novel I would be happy to read!! Great Job!!
-Kevin82
EMStilson-
Wow, very intense your word are powerful.
This would make an awesome short story.
Very good use of concept, imagery, and emotion.
Senses used sight, sound, and feeling.
You drew me right into your world with your poetry.
Consider writing a short story or a Novel.
I would be happy to help if you needed it, some how I don't think you need me at all.
-Kevin82
EMStilson-
Sight, Sound, Feel good use of senses.
Very well laid out.
Rhyming well placed, good use of imagery.
Your point came through loud and clear.
So, far I'm enjoying your poetry which is unusual.
Place them all in a folder marked "my poetry" and I'll decorate it for you!!
-Kevin82
EMStilson-
As I said poetry not really my thing, but as a fiction writer I can say this:
Very good imagery, description, and emotion use in this piece. I had no difficulty seeing exactly what you were describing. Your use of words moved me. And this is the thing, you use all of the senses, but taste.
Not bad, huh? for a fiction writer!!
Very good Job!
-Kevin82
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82 Read: 12-19-05 Rated: 4.0 Title: Kate's Cancer Author: Jenny Davies Genre: Experience :: Emotional :: Death Type: Short Story
--Feedback--
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: I found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: I found no errors
Layout: Diary layout
Plot: Kate must make every effort to live her life to the fullest, for she only has six months to live.
Point of View: 1st person narrator, Diary
Protagonist: Kate
Antagonist: Breast Cancer
Concept: This is the story told through the eyes of a young seventeen year-old girl that has six months to live due to breast cancer.
Senses: sight, touch
Character Development: It is very clear that Kate is brave partly because she doesn’t want to cause pain to her parents. I found her emotional state the same in the first month as the last. I can’t argue with the Author about this fact; because, my Mother was that way before she died of cancer. However, for the story’s sake it seems emotionless.
Emotion: pain, anger
Overall Feeling: I’m not going to say I like it or don’t like it because the subject matter is hard for me. However, I felt that this is too short, the ending is inevitable. You have only one entry per month what else did she do all month?
Suggestions: Give us more imagery like maybe a few window shots outside the wind, the birds, the sky, the water. I felt distant from the story because you decided to make it a journal entry rather than telling a story. Unless you force it a journal entry story like “Frankenstein” or Bram Stokers “Dracula” is somewhat boring because unlike other stories it lacks imagery, description, scene, and setting and one of the most critical mistakes a fiction writer can make is to tell instead of show us the reader the story.
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82 Read: 12-17-05 Rated: 4.5 Book Title: Mantuzia: Battle of Freedom Chapter Title: Prologue Author: Jenny Davies Genre: Fantasy :: Emotional :: Mythology Type: Novel
--Feedback--
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: I found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: I found no errors
Layout: paragraphs and a change in point of view is clearly marked and separated.
Plot: For the protection of a child a woman, possibly the child’s Mother places her child on a steed and sends it out into the unknown.
Point of View: 3rd person omniscient
Protagonist: The child, The man
Antagonist: an unknown danger
Concept: This is a sort of Moses story where a child is sent away to its fate, because it would be harmed if it stayed.
In modern times they call that child abandonment, but it adds a flavor of suspense and unknown which equals drama.
Clarity: The purpose that the Mother or woman sends the child away on the back of a horse to its fate is unknown, but it is clear that she could no longer protect the infant.
Imagery: good use of color and word I could see clearly the scene unfold.
Description- minimal, but adequate for this scene.
Landscape: need more were the mountains snow capped, rocky of forest covered.
Scene: The Tavern, The Village
Setting: Medieval
Detail: need some additional details about the tavern and the village flesh it out some.
Fighting/Action Sequences: n/a
Flow: smooth, steady
Pace: even, median speed
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, sound, touch
Dialogue: n/a
Character Development: until explained the woman is a mystery was she sending the child away because she was in danger or because she didn’t want to take care of it any longer.
Emotion: Show more character emotion was the woman sad was the man who found her elated.
Overall Feeling: Very good, I am drawn into the story already I want to know what happens to this girl? What powers does she possess? Who wants to harm her? What was the woman’s intent? This is what makes a good story.
Suggestions: add the suggestions above and this will be a great story.
Wow, a very unique, inspiring, and educational way to explain this terrible plague of most writers.
Instead of telling writers the obvious so called cure to writers block, to read the yin to the yang so to speak.
I personally liked the fact that you used vampirism to get your point across; although, it takes more than just believing in your self to overcome writers block it is very important to believe in yourself. Which, is exactly why this site is so fantastic we help each other to believe in themselves by honest and helpful reviews and advice that guide that new writer into this world.
-kevin82
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82 Read: 12-11-05 Rated: 5.0 Title: Sign Here, Please Author: Day_Dreamer Genre: Military :: History :: Legal Type: Speech
--Feedback--
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: I found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: I found no errors
Layout: paragraphs are all powerful and laid out properly.
Concept: This Author took an existing document one that we all or should hold very dear and looked at it at an angle few if any have ever looked at it before.
Clarity: The Author several times slams the point home with much patriotic pride.
Historical Detail: Extreme, this Author reminds us of some of the men that we recognize as making our country great and introduced some that most of us have never heard before.
Flow: Very smooth
Pace: Even, steady
Overall Feeling: I was totally moved and I read it out loud. I would be extremely surprised if you didn’t get a standing ovation, at least I would have stood up!
Suggestions: I highly suggest that you would consider sending this off to the editor of the American Heritage Magazine.
Yellow Rose-
That was excellent!
I don't make it a secret that I do not like poetry of any type. Mostly; because, I don't understand it, this is my weakness. Further; if I don't understand it I can't review it!! But, your use of wording, imagery, and emotional feeling moved me. Your ending showed his side of what you both must feel. You may want to consider sending this to the editor of "Army Times" or any Military Mag. Other Mothers, Sons, and Daughters need to read this.
Thank you! Kevin82
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Wolfedale-
It's not that I'm vain, I'm really not, But I have no choice. I was born in the year of the Tiger and cats are my favorite animal. I thought that this was also; very well put together and organised. These polls are always alot of fun.
Wolfedale-
I liked this! at least seventy-five percent of those polled like it here. You might want to consider joining this site is one of the greatest things I've done.Very well thought out, very informative,well put together, and very easy.
-kevin82
Read: 11-26-05
Rated: 4.0
Book Title: The Knight of the Silver Lance
Chapter Title: - Introduction -
Author: Jaoli
Genre: Action/Adventure- Fantasy
Type: Preface, Novel
-Feedback—
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes-
Spelling & Grammar: found no errors
Layout: paragraphs are separated very well; easy to read.
Plot: Sir Gadahin of Elziver, who is faced with the empty position of greatest champion in Europe after his father, dies in a Saracen battle.
Point of View: Narrator
Protagonist: Sir Gadahin Elziver of Krona, King Richard the Lionheart
Antagonist: n/a
Concept: This is the story of a knight that is required to fill the shoes of his father as the champion of the kingdom; after his father is killed in battle.
Clarity: very clear
Imagery: very good
Description-
People: n/a
Places: n/a
Things: Very good, the descriptions of wear were well done.
Historical Detail: I believe that the Battle for Jerusalem was fought to a stalemate after a period of four years. After failing to take the city he established a treaty with the Saracen leader Saladin that allowed Christians access to the holy places of Jerusalem.
Fighting/Action Sequences: n/a
Flow: smooth
Pace: even
Scene: n/a
Landscape: The landscape or lay of the land was left out, I think that this is very important for an author to establish in the introduction of any story especially if the land, people, and events are foreign to the reader as in a story from the past.
Setting: Medieval Times
Character Development: much more detail was given about King Richard the Lionheart who we know of than the main character that was created.
Emotion: n/a
Overall Feeling: I liked it! Minus the landscape description which the author could insert if she feels that it is necessary.
Suggestions: Broaden out your scope in the introduction and the story to include the lay of the land; otherwise, your readers do not have a canvas for your story to take place in there minds. Also; descriptions should always include people, places, & things.
Read: 11-23-05
Rated: 4.5
Book Title: The Knight of the Silver Lance
Part Title: Part one Adventures of a Knight
Chapter Title: Death of a True Man
Author: Jaoli
Genre: Action/Adventure
Type: Novel
--Feedback—-
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: found no errors
Layout: I can read this in any format that you have it in. However; most readers on this site prefer for ease of reading that: paragraphs are separated by two spaces, dialogue is separated by one space, and a change in point of view & time and space separated by three asterisks. They also prefer everything flush left with no indentations, I don’t know why.
Plot: Sir Philip Elziver of Krona fights a great battle only to be cut down by a saracen horse after showing an act of kindness to a fellow knight.
Point of View: Omniscient
Protagonist: Sir Philip Elziver of Krona
Antagonist: Saracen warriors
Concept: This is the story of a knight that rises after the death of his father.
Clarity: very clear
Imagery: Excellent
Description-
People: very good
Places: minimal
Things: none
Detail: excellent
Fighting/Action Sequences: As a narration most of the great battle was missing and it was told and not shown. As an action/adventure you may want to show more and tell less.
Flow: smooth
Pace: even
Scene: The Author uses dialogue, description and imagery to set the scene.
Landscape: no telling or description of the surrounding area.
Setting: a great battlefield
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, sound, touch
Dialogue: Well done- in the old English way
Character Development: Sir Phillip shows a genuine care for his fellow knight this is his downfall.
Emotion: bravery, prowess, courage, staunchness, anguish, contentment, pleasure, surprise,
Overall Feeling: I liked this a lot. I do not really like a narration for the Author tends to tell and not show. The reader was brought in towards the end of the battle. I felt that more of the battle should have been seen. I did like the courage shown and the care that Sir Phillip had shown his fellow knights. I hope that this is more of a prologue and that the rest of the book is not a narration.
Suggestions: Give us more of a landscape description and describe your characters. Show us more of the battle and use more senses ie smell, taste, feeling.
Read: 11-4-05
Rated:
Title: Metamorphosis (was: "Skin")
Author: SliceableKitty
Genre: Horror/Scary :: Gothic
Type: Short Story
--Feedback—-
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: no errors found
Spelling & Grammar: no errors found
Layout: good
Plot: an unnamed person has purchased a new skin to replace his/her old one for an unnamed reason
Point of View: 1st person
Protagonist: unnamed
Antagonist: n/a
Concept: The concept is good and is written in a “Tales from the Crypt” manner, but without explaining who, what, where, when & why the reader is left asking this.
Clarity: clear
Imagery: verygood
Description-
People: none
Places: none
Things: verygood
Fighting/Action Sequences:
Flow: smooth
Pace: good
Scene: The author uses pure narration and imagery to set the scene
Setting: a double apartment, someplace
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, feel, smell,
Dialogue: n/a
Character Development: minimal
Emotion: passion, excitement, anxiety
Overall Feeling: awesome, but way to short the reader is left with a lot of unanswered questions, beyond suspense who is this person? Is everyone like that? Why?
Suggestions: Go back give us some more detail; the questions need to be answered.
Kevin82
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Read: 10-25-05
Rated: 4.0
Title: The Blood-Thirsty Ghost
Author: Malli_Jade
Genre: Horror/Scary :: Thriller/Suspense :: Death
Type: Short story
--Feedback—
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: found no errors
Spelling & Grammar: found no errors
Layout: dialogue & paragraphs separated properly
Plot: Mia & her Father move into a small
Point of View: 3rd person
Protagonist: Mia
Antagonist: The Blood-Thirsty Ghost
Clarity: unless this is a contest item, limitations on length, give us more background on the house & Ghost
Structure: well put together
Imagery: very good
Description: The Ghost very good, none for the Father or Mia.
Flow: smooth
Scene: The author uses description and imagery to set the scene
Setting: the house
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, sound add more to build on terror i.e. smell, touch, inner feelings or sixth sense.
Dialogue: very good
Character Development: good
Emotion: horrified, scared, relieved, courage, uneasy, fearfully, panicking
Overall Feeling: Your use of imagery and your description of your Ghost is very good. However; as a personal opinion I think that instead of the ghost showing up as many times as he did kept a brake on the story. As a short story I think that you should build on the terror and slam us with it all at the same time. By the third arrival the reader is used to the Ghost and the fear is gone.
Suggestions: so she thought, Little did she know Try not to use this approach this is a horror story don’t give us any hint that something is about to happen. We should be as shocked as your character. Try not using the same word over again i.e. you use the word horror or horrifying too many times in a short story.
Keep on Writing! Kevin82
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Read: 10-25-05
Rated: 4.0
Book Title: Tabula Raza
Chapter Title: Chapter 1 - The Funeral
Author: Trivia Triveni
Genre: Fantasy :: Supernatural
Type: Novel, Chapter
--Feedback-—
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes: He hadn’t even noticed that the pipes had started to play again as Jack’s bodied (body) was lowered into the ground
Layout: paragraph, point of view, change in time & space, and dialogue separated properly
Plot: Mikhail must rebuild “The Eight Virtues” team after they were wiped out.
Point of View: Omniscient
Protagonist: Mikhail Sorensen
Antagonist: n/a
Concept: This is the story of an international demon hunting task force, very much like “Rainbow Six” by Tom Clancy.
Clarity: very clear
Structure: well put together
Imagery: excellent
Description: People: none for any characters. Places: funeral & briefing room very good. Things: minimal
Flow: very smooth
Scene: The Author uses description & imagery to set the scene
Setting: Funeral
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, smell, touch, sound
Dialogue: good
Character Development: I think that it is much too early in the story to determine character development.
Emotion: sympathy, remorse, anger, grieving, depression
Overall Feeling: I think that this story is a very good start for Novel. It has excellent potential. I like the writer’s style.
Suggestions: Describe your characters this is very important for your readers to be drawn deep into your story.
Keep on Writing! Kevin82
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--Feedback—
Note: The purpose of the following observations, corrections, and suggestions is to help the Author and attempt to point out the strengths and weaknesses of the piece. It is not my intention to belittle or discourage the Author who was good enough to let me read it.
The following editing corrections will be in parenthesis ( ).
Editing Notes:
I attempt (to) focus my dreams on the forest in the distance.
My hair is no longer the soft lock (locks) I vaguely remember them to be.
I desperately want to cry out in frustration, but fear I would (be) heard and thrown back to my cell.
I reach out for the door, just has (as) the door opens and the (<remove) I feel the warmth of the sun on my scarred face for the first time, (;) a skeletal hand grabs my shoulder and swings me around.
I cling to the door edge as I am being bragged (dragged) back to my dingy cell.
Spelling & Grammar: none found
Layout: paragraphs are separated properly
Plot: The Prisoner must endure long enough to escape
Point of View: 1st person
Protagonist: The Prisoner
Antagonist: The capturer (kidnapper), The guard
Concept: This is the story of a person held in a prison against his/her wishes and the will to escape.
Clarity: Each day my caterer (capturer?) comes to speak to me, but I am unable to understand what is said or whether it's male or female.
Structure: very well put together
Imagery: Excellent
Description: very good
Flow: smooth
Scene: The Author makes very good use of situation, description, and imagery to set the scene.
Setting: A Prison
Metaphors: n/a
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, sound, touch, feeling
Dialogue: n/a 1st person narrative
Character Development: This character is clearly unbroken and demonstrates the will to escape to freedom.
Emotion: alone, despair, fear, frightening, inner strength, will to survive
Overall Feeling: Wow! I don’t think that you included a horror genre, but that last paragraph was definitely, Tales of the Darkside stuff. This is very good work!!!
Suggestions: I just hope that when you get your grade back that you will go back and make this a short story :)
Keep on Writing!
This Author has always demonstrated her unique ability to bring the reader into her work. Using techniques of vivid imagery, great use of words, and boundless faith. Her work is a constant reminder that I need to do more to strenghen my own faith. Her freindship to me has been one of the greatest reasons that I love this site.
-kevin82
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