DETAILED REVIEW
Reviewed by- Kevin D. Cottrell, a.k.a. kevin82
Read: 9/14/05
Rated: 4.5
Title: Cry of the Wolf Ch.1
Author: Devils_child
Genre: Fantasy :: Action/Adventure :: Drama
Type: Novel, Chapter
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Editing Notes:
and soon he would jump at that opportunity before they could taint her (with) their white magic.
trying to avoid his wrath that he would through (throw) upon her,
However, Nicky’s eye (eyes) light up mischievously, as though she too had wanted to go to the house.
She scurried through the doorway and soon Sarah heard Nicky slam the door to their room slam
( slam <remove) shut.
Madison loudly crunched on her cereal, making Sarah snap back (to) reality with a small and insignificant jump in her seat.
Madison told the police there was something wrong with the family, something had happened, but no one would listen to her, until the mother didn’t show up for a (at) work for a few days.
The realization that Sarah herself was a little odd made her swallow at (a) tight lump in her throat.
Nicky found it cute they (the) way he placed her on a pedestal, high above everyone’s head, but Sarah and Madison just found that so much attention would suffocate them.
Alex stepped toward Madison, trying his hardest not to see how Nicky was reacting, for he prayed to god that she would realize he (she) was lying.
Sarah needed to help her, but she couldn’t move, she was rooted to the spot listening, her legs like led and numb, as if they no longer belonged to her.
Anna realized what he was doing, and pictured all the fun days with her parents and younger sister before he came, looking for that danmed (dammed) crystal shard.
She tried to keep the crystal out of her mind, but it was as if it wanted to be found, and brought to the dark lord, because the crystal keep (kept) trying to disturb her thoughts.
Sarah just couldn’t believe that Anna was no (not) with them anymore, and that she had seen it happen as if she was actually there.
Layout:
1) One of the things that you will hear consistently on this site, what I hear from my readers, is that here at writing.com the standard seems to be to separate your paragraphs by two line spaces.
2) Give each line of dialogue its own line separate from the others. The purpose is to make it easier to read because of the computer screen seems to hurt their eyes.
3)When changing point of view or when switching to a completely separate scene show the scene change with three asterisks separated by a single space i.e. * * * as in.
and not a single soul could stop him now, not even Hillary.
* * *
Across the town, a girl shot up gasping for air, groping around for something that was of precious value to her, not realizing that she was not in her own home.
Plot: A young girl names Sarah does not know that she will be thrown into a world different from her own and that she is the key to the total destruction of this world.
Point of View: Omniscient (Fly on the wall)
Protagonist: Sarah
Antagonist: The Dark Lord
Concept: This is the story of a young girl who has the ability to travel through a portal into another universe. She is the key to this universes destruction if all seven of the crystals can be assembled by the Dark lord.
Clarity: Very clear
Structure: very well put together
Imagery: excellent
Description: Excellent for people, places and things.
Flow: very smooth
Scene: The Author uses description and imagery to set the scene.
Setting: Sarah’s world, Foria
Metaphors: very good
Similes: n/a
Senses: sight, touch, sound, feeling (foreboding)
Dialogue: excellent
Character Development: I see that you added a flaw to make Sarah more interesting (chewing on her cheek) you are also adding things that kids have to deal with every day i.e. child abuse, suicide in some of the sub-characters to deal with the issues, very professional!
Emotion: grouchily, happy, suspicious, fear, depression, jealousy, embarrassment, terror, anger, anxiety, worry
Overall Feeling: I love it!! So, far. Reminds me of “The Chronicles of Narnia by C.J. Lewis him in J.R.R. Tolkien were friends and wrote their books around the same time. The Movie’s coming out this Winter.
Suggestions: Take your time let your story flow naturally; go back through it many times.
Keep on Writing!
Kevin82  
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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