Ooh, spooky at best. Short, sweet and to the point is what you have here. I see the two words in color which I assume are the words they wanted you to use. I think you did a good job on this story and I sure wasn't expecting the twist at the end coming!
Keep up the goo writing Angus and I hope you are feeling better!
Way to cute poem. I was a red hat lady for a while. Don't remember what happen and I'm not now, but it was a lot of fun. I had a large red hat, and a purple scarf with red hats on it. And we all had the very best of ties! Good job and I hope you are still a red hat lady today.
Review of Fantasy: Definition: Fantasy is a genre of fiction that uses magic or other supernatural elements as a main plot element, theme, or setting. Many works within the genre take place in imaginary worlds where magic and magical creatures are common.
Hi lifeopinion! Glad to have you on board. As you can see above I put the definition of fantasy above. I think the word you need is Dream. Something we do when we want to change our life. You dare to dream of what you can be and if you dream big and fantasize what you want to be you will become that person. I would not compare it to alcohol though because alcohol doesn’t complete you, it kills you. I really like your story. I can see the passion in which you write and I can see the drive you have.
One thing you need to do is reread your story out loud to yourself or have someone read it out loud to you. The will help you see the mistakes you have made and can correct them. You have a few misspellings I saw that need to be corrected. The part I like the most is when you say “don’t lose hope, keep dreaming those dreams. When you dream you can forget your problems, even it is for a little while. Now, here’s what I would like for you to do. Rewrite your story using the word dream. You can use fantasize when you talk about someone fantasizing about being like a rock star, but your main word is dream. Put your thoughts in order before you write your story, then write it. Kind of like an outline. I don’t like the word outline because I don’t like to do t hem. LOL!
Anyway, once you have done all of this I would like for you to e-mail here at lmiller7569 and let me know the new one is ready. I would love to read it and make comments for you. Lifeopinion, you keep on writing because I can tell you have a lot to say and I think you’re going to be a good writer someday.
Lynda – Breathless in Texas
What a fantastic story. You have a great imagination! I love it. There really isn't anything I could improve on. One part of a sentence: "move an inch and I shoot!” I believe that should be I'll shoot.
What I liked about your story was the twist you put there. I never would have thought about it. I do wonder why you wrote your story all in italics. Maybe just for show? I think it might be better in regular writing. Of course, it's your story and anything I say you can take or leave it.
I think you have done a great job writing this. Keep up the good work!
Hi Spirit, This is the third time I have tried to write a review for you. The last two I was almost done and hit something wrong and lost them. Here I go again.
What a great concept for a story. I would like to see you expand on this. Do some research on wars and good things that have happen. Use them in your story. But first:
your i's. Capitalize all of them. Draft or not get into the habit.
Your first sentence: 'Life, to live a long time. Something I have done over the past 1000 years.People have wanted to live longer, but they have no idea what would be in store for them."Make this exciting because it is. Put this gentleman in a setting. Is he at his 1000th birthday party and his relatives - way down the line - are there for the occasion? Is his great, great, great, great, grandchildren hanging around him in wonder. So begins his ramblings. Your next sentence: In this time I have seen humanity at it's greatness and it's greediest.
Then talk about the wars and combine them together. Next is his statement how he sometimes wanted to see all humanity ended.
Then you make this wonderful sentence about people: but then I think of the potential they hold. Their successes are few, but more brilliant than a light bulb. (This is my favorite sentence) Here you can described more than the man on the moon - describe saving lives with transplants - curing children of cancer. So many wonderful things have happened with technology.Research it. Next use his statement on losing three wives and a husband, the pain, and not even remembering them. Much like the Highlander. Love that movie.
Last your ending let me down.Show more emotion. Sorry young'uns, thanks for listening to an old mans ramblings. Now I think it's my bedtime. Something to that effect.
Last, separate your paragraphs. I would love to see this cleaned up and more added. If you do this please resubmit to me so I can change the rating. And keep on writing!!!
What a great story teller you are. And the way you put spaces between made this a much easier read. Good for you. What you need to pay attention to now is detail. Your tense are not right in many places. Example: “Regina have a history, so what? Should be "Regina has a history, so what?"
Who's Mrs. Cormier? Is she the principle? the attendance lady or the Counselor? On this you should say. You are over using question marks and exclamations. One at the end of the sentence is enough. It makes the statement you want.
You need to use conjunctions. Example: I am can be I'm. This is more in the way we talk now. On this one I too forget and have to go back and change many of them when I write a story.
Last, but not least - read it out loud - have someone read it out loud to you. You can catch many mistakes and change them right away.
You really have a great story here. Tighten it up, clean it up and it will be a hit. I would love to reread it after you have revised it. At that time I can revise my rating.
What a beautiful poem you have written My favorite part is
But snowflakes have finite days
warming makes snow go away (maybe the snow go away)
while all that is Holy is infinite
winged messengers forever stay.
Better words were never spoken so lovely.
Keep on writing the wonderful poems. You should read this on Elles site for poems.
Hi Abigail. I'm going to do my very best to give you some suggestions for you write-up. First let me say I liked all of your stories. I would not apologize for your stories not reflecting you wanting to be in the medical field. I would drop that and merely state you wish to go into the medical field because you think you would be good at it and you have a wish to help people. Not all people go into this field because of knowing or having dealt with someone ill during their life. Actually it's probably a small percent that do.
Now, for your writing. First you need to double space your writing as it is hard to read when you don't. I would indent each new paragraph too. Here is the most important part. Have someone read your writing out loud to you. This way you can catch the many problems that may be needing attention. You can read it out loud to yourself too. I have done both. I like it when I have another person read for me because I can really get to the bad parts quick and correct them.Once you do this and clean it up I would love to critique it again.
You have some very good points you are bringing out about yourself and I think it will be a great paper.
This is powerful! I completely feel your emotions in this. We a;; have questions. I was brought up not to ask questions, but when you get older, as in your 30, 40, 50s, you do start asking,
"Do I believe all of this? The good book says it's true, but how do I know for sure?" And then something wonderful happens to us, we find Christ and his and our father, God, our creator. Somehow he calls to us and we come and listen and then we know. It is so.
Your poem shows all of this and more. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Oh my goodness, how you put the words I think onto paper in such a meaningful way. I too have discovered God, but I have know him for so very long. I like you, are nothing without him. From the time of really feeling him, when I was a very young teenager to now, He has been right beside me all along. Yep, there were time I didn't think so or I failed him and didn't realize it, but he has forgiven me and therefore let me forgive myself for any wrong doing I have done.
I wondered when he took my youngest daughter why he didn't take me instead. But here's the thing, he gave me and my husband the greatest blessing of all, her son. He gave us another chance to raise another child, even if we are in our seventies. Being of this age we are able to take him place we could not afford to do when we were raising our own children. oh we took them to neat places, but this little guy will know more about the world they our own did when we had them.
This is what you evoked from me when I read your writing. I want to say thank you, I am glad to have crossed paths with you too. May God blessings be with you always.
What a lovely account you have given us on your book launching. Your daughter was right to say give it i your town first. I woul dlove to read you rbook Honey Dew. I admire you for taking the step to join us here at WED and we love havingnew people. All of us say HI! to you and will be looking forward to you writing some stories on here forus to read,
Hi! I would love to hear your song on piano. I play and if ever you get the music down I would like to try to play it here. Anyway, below are some of my suggestions. I am a writer like you, so take or leave whatever you wish of anything I have put down. I think you have a real song going on here and I like it. Please let me know what you think of my suggestions. Thanks! Lynda
(Verse 1)
Did you see what you were looking for? - Put find instead of see. Did you find what you were looking for?
Or were you just too blind to see it? - Delete just - Or, were you too blind to see it?
Did you get what you were waiting for?
Or did you just forget to chase it? - delete just - OR, did you forget to chase it?
(Chorus)
Bless your soul! You have a lonely soul, { Here's the way I would write it.)Bless your lonely soul,
Coz, you won't let go
Coz you won’t let go of anything you hold. of anything you hold,
of anything you hold.
Of anything you hold
Verse 2
Did you know how high you will fall from? - Did you know how high you can fall from - use can instead of will
Or did you just decide to leap in? - or did you decide to leap on in - delete just and add on
Did you make it at the end of the road? - Did you make it to the end of the road? - delete at and put to
Or were your shoes just too heavy? - delete just
The bridge sounds a bit off and I didn't understand when you said "Though dropping them they will cut you bad"
What does that mean?
Also, "Before taking another million and a half" - Would "But you took another million and a half? sound as good?
Danza, the first thing I want to say to you is please, put your biography in this writing group. We all want to know more about you and this in turn helps us to help you. How old are you, are you married, etc.? Okay, enough said. On to your story.
First, remember to indent the paragraph. In the beginning I think it would be better to say; I have a testimony I've been wanting to share for a long time. My grandmother is the oldest member of our church. She has been going for a very long time, and is well known, highly respected, and loved by everyone.
When I was a teenager, I was into God and involved in a couple of youth groups at the church. One night we had a "Fun Night" there. We stayed overnight to worship the Lord. We listened to a special guest and praised the Lord. Then we were told to have alone time with God. As music played, I got down on my knees, put my hands together and placed my elbows onto the seat of the chair. As I prayed in silence, I asked God to show me or direct me to the right person who I would share my life with. I wanted him to reveal to me this person. I told him I was confused, and if he was there, to give me a sign he was listening. Unbeknownst to me, there was a firefighter who was very active in youth events, standing behind me.
After worship and praising God, we went into another room with lots of games for us to play. It was a bit like a festival. There were many people already playing. I was about to join in on the fun, when I was called over to a table by the firefighter. I went to the table and he said, when we were worshiping he had a vision. He said it was as clear as day. He told me, in the future, I was very much like my grandmother. It looked as though my future husband was some kind of Minister or had something to do with the Lord. I was shocked and happy all at once. I knew God had been there, and was listening to my prayer.
Sometimes life gets me down and I question my faith. I asked myself, "Is God real?" then, I look back at the gift of testimony and it lets me know, God is real. I'm glad I was chosen to hear this testimony so I could reach out and share His word.
You have written a great story. You need to rework some of the lines. I realize you are still learning and that's okay. Good job on writing. Keep on doing it as you get better every time you write.
I'm happy for your faith and never doubt it. It is there and God is real.
Hello Danza. What a beautiful and very touching story you have written. I know God was telling you he heard your prayers and he was taking you worries away from you. I'm very much a believer. I have taken the liberty of writing your story out so you can see the way it could be written. Remember, I am a writer like you and what I do or say is only my opinion. You can take or leave any of it. It is your story.
In writing this story I would indent the first line of each paragraph.
With your beginning drop the word ABOUT. Drop WHOLE family and use our family. Now I begin your story.
"I won't go into details, but my family turned againt me and my two youngest sisters.
the next line was not very clear. You came to them? with an understnding? but they wouldn't accept it. Maybe you should rewrite the first part of this line so readers will understand what you are trying to convey. Do you mean solution?
There were assumptions made, name calling, and emotional abuse from them, and instead of talking to us personally, the put it on a Facebook Group page. Everyone talked about us, but no one bothered to talk directly to us. It continued and became uglier and uglier, until I couldn't take it anymore. We had been made out to be the bad guys. In reality, my sisters and I were doing the right thing. They wrote, "Karma would get us back."
I don't believe in Karma. I have never paid attention to it. I believe things just happen.
With so much stress, I gave my worries to God. I asked Him for guidance in writing one final reply to them. I cried out loud to the Lord and prayed he would help me. I now know he as with me all the time I was writing. Before I sent the message off, I received and E-Mail from a sister I hadn't seen or talked to in years. It was in the form of a Chain Letter. I have had friends send these to me over the years, but I never participated in them. I started to close it, but something told me to read it. The letter talked about Karma and angels. It was strange because as I was drifting off to sleep, I had an audial vision the night before. All I remember hearing was "in the arms of an angel." Reading the letter made me remember it. I felt it was linked to the letter and I knew then, God was trying to tell me something.
I hadn't heard that song in a long time and it was weird the way it popped into my head. I went on with my day like usual. I was happy and couldn't stop thinking about the song. I felt I had to look up the lyrics. I had to know what the rest of it said. When I got home, I immediately looked them up and couldn't believe my eyes. I got hcills as I read. Everything I read follwed me and my current situation. I have always followed my husband to where his jobs were. My husband, myself and our son stayed in a hotel. It was dark and cold. My husband and son were asleep. I went to be and started piecing everything together.
I still don't believe in Karma or Chain Letter, but God used my sister to send me a message. Where it said, "I sent you an angel last night," God was letting me know, He had sent the angel to me.
I love your story and I hope you can use something from this. God Bless,
Hi Ms. Liszyk, it is my pleasure to meet you. My name is Lynda gives thanks. It is so nice to see
someone as excited as you are, joining our group. You sound pretty busy to me, but I hope you are able to write some short stories and poems for us to read.
I love your cover picture, it reminds me of a Keene painting. If you don't know who that is, you can google it. I think they made a movie about her and her husband.
Anyway, when you have some time stop by my port and have a look at what I write. I would really like to hear what you think of some of them.
HI Kronquist! I have finished reading your story and I think it is a very well written story. You must have put a lot of thought into it. I'm not sure about the title. I didn't think it suited your story, but that is only my opinion.
I am a writer just as you are and any suggestions I make, you can accept them or leave them. that is why ist is good for each of us to review stories for others. I like your story. You had a good beginning with a great hook. The you led us into the story about izzy and Goose and Niklas. You kept it a page turner with using the rape and the pregnancy. I thought you handled that very well in your writing. You surprised me with the young man Goose being in love with her and her brother, even though Goose lived with him for a while, being unable to accept that. Then you surprised me more by haiving her brother shove her back hard enough to make her fall and hit her head in the process. Good writing. And it still ended up a happy story with her having the little girl and him being with her.
I did find some errors in your writing. Example: first line, izzy sat down at the locker - I would think it would be sat down by the locker.
Another example : "You don't know how cruel and evil it can be." At the point, - should be at that point.
Next paragraph after that line You're calling me that, are you stupid - I would put callin me that? Are you stupid? - making it two sentences.
Your first line to the last line of the story - he asked, smiling at the baby grabbed his finger - I'm sure you meant smiling at the baby as it grabbed his finger.
I would suggest you read your story out loud to yourself and this way you will catch anymore errors.
Good job.
You keep writing these great stories as you are very talented.
Very good instructions! I hope to be there, but I am having reservations about it. I have a book that is almost finished and I need to wrok on it full time. I have and am doing the NaNo Prep, but I don't know yet.....Lynda
Okay, I'm not sure what the deal is, but I have one other I have to do, plus a very long one I have promised someone for quiet a while. If I do this, it will not be until the first week of November and tha tis when I am doing the NaNo WriMo. So, if you can bear with me I will be happy to review this for you. what do you say?
Headless - Lynda
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