Okay, I am going to try and give you some pointers. You can take them or leave them , it is up to you.
First off, this is a very good story that needs a bit of tweaking. So tweak we will. LOL! Izzy I am only trying to show you.
First sentence: I woke up to the sound of my foster mom's harsh voice.
"Get up brat, I' taking you to your hockey lesson."
I got up, dressed and grabbed my bag, as I came out of my room. She drove me there and grabbed my arm before I could get out of the car.
"I won't be picking you up after your lesson. You'll have to walk home, you little brat, do you hear me?" She hissed, practically in my face.
"Yes mother," I said. She released me and I got out and walked inside the building.
DO YOU SEE HOW I HAVE SEPARATED EACH SENTENCE WHEN THEY WERE TALKING? Every time someone talks go down a line. Keep
them separate. You need to keep your writing in a double space. It is difficult to read what you have single space.
2nd paragraph - 4th line - you have a repeat of did you , Drop one of them.
Keep your period or quote marks within the line. As in - "There's a first time for everything," I replied.
When you have the person talking to themselves, put it in italics.
Go throu8gh and get rid of as many that ,just, and as. They are useless words. I know we have to use them but there are times we really don't and it is a habit.
You seem to use a lot of dashes. I would stop that. Put a period or a comma where it is needed. There are some "the's" you need to get rid of. The word just is another one to get rid of. Look again and check your commas. you may need them or you may need to get rid of them.
7th paragraph you left out laughing. I burst out --- as
some places use said instead of he replied or told me.
Re read everything out loud. You will catch many of the errors.
Izzy, always use the capital i when writing.
I could go forward and rewrite for you, but you have a great story here and i think you will do well with it. Let me know when you revise it as I would like to reread it. Go Izzy!
And that means ````` I am so sleepy today - they are putting in a new air conditioner and it is so hot in here. I am trying so hard to keep up with everybody but think I am confusing myself more than helping. Sorry
Autism is a terrible disease. It comes in many different forms. From light to very very difficult. God bless the parents and the children of this disease. I do not understand why it is becoming some prevalent in this world of today. Many comments or sayings have been said of it, but until our research doctors can found out more, we will sit in silence. I say to you, do you know someone with a child of autism? Have you talked with the parents as neighbors. Have you asked them if there is anything you can help them with? Think about it, you may be the next parent with one of these children.
I have read this poem several times and every time it makes me stop and look for silver. I look for it everywhere. This is such a beautiful poem and it does make one stop to look and find that silver lining. I can find no errors or anything I would change.
I like the way you have written this very short story. I would like for you to go back and take out as many that and just - as you can. these are empty words. Example"
he was on the phone crying and pleading just to attend. To : he was on the phone crying and pleading to attend. Better. I dropped the just. Try it.
What a magical, beautiful story you have written. I looked for anything I could give a comment on, but alas, I could not find one. You have a beautiful imagination using writing. I would love to read more. Keep it up. Beautiful, Write on!!
What a cute story! I want to know who, what and when . The person who made her scream. What is he/she and when did they happen to appear in her life. I hope there is more to your little story because I want to know more..... Well written and left us with a hanging, what is going to happen next????
This is beautiful and I hope you have given this to her. Children are our life line, our continuation and our love and gratification. they are everything to us.
I sat on the edge of my bed with tears rolling down my face. My thoughts became blank while I stared into space. I was a failure, a sinner, invincible to the world. I was a motherless girl. I sat for almost an hour, but all I could do was cry. Then the thought came, "I want to die." I lost track of time. Everything became silent you couldn't hear the drop of a dime. I rose to my feet, my body filling with chills. Slowly I walked to the bathroom hearing my heartbeat,. I reached for the drawer to pull out a razor, a shock ran through my body. I picked up the blade and sat on the floor, staring at my wrist, my back pushed up against the door. I pressed deep against my wrist my soul became still, Blood slowly running down my hand, my skin began to peel. My body went numb and my blood ran hot. I slit deeper into another spot. The tips of my fingers began to tremble while I watched my blood drain. Nothing hurt worst than my unspoken, hidden pain, Within minutes my heartbeat thumped to a slow. I continued to cut deeper in a row across my wrist.I made my final cut and my heart stayed still. I was not a burden to the world. My dream was made real..
I hope you don't mind me rewriting your work. I wanted to show you how, with out the as, etc. it can be done.
Varunika, I like this poem. I have read it three times. I assume "His" is the kinfolk/owner of the eatery?
The one thing I would change is making the i a capital I - in your heading. Other than that I believe it is written very well. You explain who he is and why he is there and what is happening to him. Poor little chap.
What a deep, honest poem you have written. It touches me in more ways than you can imagine. You should continue your writing as it will help your moods. You too are a gifted writer so continue the good work.
Ruthy, how did you become so wise? This is a great article and many should read it. The writing is good, the tips are great and I wish you well in you well in your future writings., Write on!
Little Kelly, hi! You need to change your title. Everything else is absolutely wonderful. I love the poem. I am not an expert on poems, but I know what I like and this one I do. Keep up the great writing.
Hi Raven! You have a very touching story with a moral. I loved it. There are some things I need to comment on. These are my opinion only and you can use them or leave them.
First and foremost - double space. It is so hard to read when this is not done.
Now for your story, 2nd line - The street light dims in illumination and the cars provide the only light worth using. (This is the way I would construct the sentence.
What I want you to do is read it out loud to your self or have a friend read it out loud to you. This way you will find the obvious word changes, etc. Example: The smell of vendor food carts.....flows better
Be careful of repetition. Example: sidewalk with a sign speaking.. Sounds of people speaking ( talking) Or The streets are populated with random people in nice suits and ties, talking on their phones. See how this flows?
There are multiple changes that need to be made and I know you will find them when you read it out loud. Don't forget - DOUBLE SPACE FOR THE READER. When you have reworked your story I would love to read it again. Please look me up so I can. Lynda with a Y
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