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351
351
Review of dissapere  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice poem you have endeavoured.
I liked the work of poem translated in English from French.
I could not enjoy the read for the poem is almost inexpressive.

Title of the poem is not clear to me.

Comments:
dissapere
It is not easy to guess into the English word for the French word dissapere that makes the title of the poem.
Title meaning is not clear to me in the absence of having English word for the same. I could not enjoy reading the poem in full.
Author’s Notes has not been used properly giving the meaning of the title.
It is not wise to assume a wrong English word or equivalent for the French word of the title of the poem.
I am stuck with the title of the poem.

Edit and comments:
a french poem that i wrote because i feel like im not good enough
(A French poem that I wrote, I feel like that I am not good enough in French.)
Or,
(A French poem that I wrote and I feel I am not good in French.)
This is not a sentence; this is not expressive and this is not grammatically correct.

Edit and comments:
I am not worthy of his love
because he is sweet and kind
because he cares
because he loves and loves

(I am not worthy of his love
for he is sweet and kind
for he cares
for he loves and loves.)

Comments:
This quatrain is not expressive though alliterative flavour or echoing effect in three consecutive lines has been used.

Edit and comments:
I am not worthy
for his love is what I love most
for his love is what most can only dream
for his love is what I can only desire

( I am not worthy
for he loves what I love most
for he loves what many others can only dream
for he loves what I can only desire.)
This quatrain is not expressive.

Edit and comments:
I am no longer worth the love that brings me joy and smiles
because I am sad
solitary
depressed
girl who lost her head
and all love that was ever there in the first place

(I no longer worth the love that brings me joy and smiles
because I am sad, solitary and depressed, a
girl who lost her head
and all love that was ever there with her in the first place.)

These lines are inexpressive. I could not enjoy the read.

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions, and changed some words, and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1271/Mo 21102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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352
352
Review of Runescape  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Fascinating!

I like the poem and I have enjoyed the work of poem fully.

And I have enjoyed the taletelling, mystic experience of seeing or feeling a man or God at the bizarrely named of the place, the word visuals, the word imagery, the free flow of thoughts and the mystic experience at the place where you would like to go once again in your life when you would find your time comes to an end and would discover the righteousness of the place you belong or the place where you belong.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, the title of the poem relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem in essence.

Edit:
Only then will I be at home
Only then will I know
That I am where I belong…

(Only then I will be at home
only then I will know
that I am where I belong.)

Edit:
A made up name that fits
I could offer a proper description
But certainly I won’t
I will only be sure to say
Imagine nothing in every direction
And in every plausible position
Imagine complete emptiness
Waiting to be filled
Waiting to be created
Shifting further still
Into absolute madness
Such unrequited madness
Allows for a man like me
To see what others cannot see

(A made up name that fits
I could offer a proper description.
But, certainly I will not
for I will only be sure to say.
Imagine nothing in every direction
and in every plausible position.
Imagine complete emptiness
waiting to be filled
waiting to be created
shifting further still
into absolute madness.
Such unrequited madness
allows for a man like me
to see what others cannot see.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

You have not used Author’s Notes to help readers to understand and appreciate your long poem and about using poetic licence in expression.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in February, 2013 and I am proud that my review is the third one of your poem written and sent today in about seven years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1269/Mo 21102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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353
353
Review of Dirty cash  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a nice poem as you have expressed your opinion about cash; I have liked and enjoyed the viewpoint about use of cash and dollar.
I have enjoyed the read, the taletelling about nature of use of cash and dollar.
But, I could not enjoy fully the read as I think I am a common and simple reader I did not like the use of slang moolah (informal term used for money) and use of uncommon word wads and gooey; I think this poem has been composed as a challenge to get self-enjoyment and or for self-entertainment in expression of opinion for self-learning, because as a reader I did not get enjoyment and it was not a pleasant read, of course, I know I have limited knowledge as such I could not reach or get you simply and freely.

Though, I find your use of the words – moolah, wads, gooey, reek and quad speak of your wisdom in words and thoughts, and I am inspired with your wisdom; that is why I liked the work of this poem.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit and comments:
Dirty cash
is gooey
green,
soiled moolah
from quiet
transaction.

Truly speaking, the lines of the poem here are not expressive, and not clear to me, as these words do make a clear and complete sentence grammatically. For example, these two lines do not express any clear idea:

from quiet
transaction.

And these two lines are not grammatically correct.
Edit and comments:
Illegal dollars
under the table,
ones
underhanded,
unscrupulous.

Again, these lines do make a complete sentence and grammatically these words do make a clear sense as I find these lines are inexpressive.
The three lines are confusing and not grammatically right:
under the table,
ones
underhanded,

Again, these three lines together do not make any sense to me:
ones
underhanded,
unscrupulous.

Edit and comments:
Dirty currency,
sweaty wads,
rolls that reek;
Mafia quid.

These four lines are not expressive and grammatically correct;

Again, the following two lines are not expressive and grammatically correctly used:
rolls that reek;
Mafia quid.


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some comments, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1265/Mo 21102019
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354
354
Review of Deep and Dark  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Fantastic!

I have read the poem and enjoyed the taletelling, the word visuals and the word imagery and about your wish to take back something of your interest in beauties of Nature.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:
I sit outside until I can breathe
Spring is nostalgia wrapped in blackberry vines
The only things I grow have thorns
Cactus, rose, those brambles
Of sweet pre-berry pain

(I sit outside until I can breathe.
Spring is nostalgia wrapped in blackberry vines.
Things I grow have thorns, cactus, rose and
those brambles
of sweet pre-berry pain.)

Edit:
I walk this like a tightrope
Undo the work you did
To make myself new
To make this place mine.

(I walk this like a tightrope, undo
the work you did
to make myself new and
to make this place mine.)

Edit:
Clear the land enough to build a fire
And burn it away
Sleeping beauty would be safe
In this house

(Clear the land enough to build a fire
and burn it away, sleeping beauty
would be safe
in this house.)

Edit:
I curve the roses into walls
Braid them into chainlink
Ignoring the sweet sting on my hands

(I curve the roses into walls and
braid them into chain link, ignoring
the sweet sting on my hands.)

Edit:
I sit outside in trees enough
To make a forest deep and dark to hide in
I will need more than breadcrumbs
To forge a way back home

(I sit outside in trees
enough to make a forest
deep and dark to hide in.
I will need more than breadcrumbs
to forge a way back home.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions, and changed some words, and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions or advice as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I see you have not used Author’s Notes to help readers understand, appreciate and enjoy your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1263/Mo 21102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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355
355
Review of Merovingian  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent!

You have composed a nice, free, simple, clear and historically related (about a Frankish ruling dynasty (450 – 751 AD) founded by Merovech and brought to prominence by Clovis I ruled Gaul and West Germany from about 500 to 751) work of poem.

I have enjoyed the read, and the word visuals and the word imagery and the free flow of thoughts and the taletelling in influencing and or inspiring of a Merovingian in your living.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in December, 2014 and I am proud that my review is the fourth one of your poem written and sent today in about five years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1262/Mo 21102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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356
356
Review of The Box of Toys  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I have read and enjoyed the read of your fantastic poem, as I have enjoyed the rhymes and the word imagery and the word visuals and the free flow of thoughts all the way.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:
"The tiny tots, engaged in moments...with their cherished...toys"
(The tiny tots, engaged in moments with their cherished toys.)

Edit:
The tiny tots, engaged in moments
With their cherished, wondrous toys –
Left to play by doting parents,
A spirited time for girls and boys.

(The tiny tots, engaged in moments
with their cherished and wondrous toys
left to play by doting parents
a spirited time for girls and boys.)

Edit:
His trucks and planes cris-cross the land,
While our hostess serves some tea,
A joyous party, oh so grand,
Both boy and girl’s friends carefree.

(His trucks and planes crisscross the land
while our hostess serves some tea.
A joyous party oh, so grand
both boy and girl’s friends are carefree.)

Edit:
A doll house with spacious rooms,
This wife and mom must object
With aproned waist, as dinner looms
To a house unclean, one might expect.

(A doll’s house with spacious rooms
this wife and mom must object
with aproned waist, as dinner looms
to a house unclean, one might expect.)

Edit:
Once, the boy’s possessions shared,
Or hoisted high above his head.
Sometimes, challenged youths were dared
To touch these toys, and perhaps be dead.

(Once, the boy’s possessions shared
or, hoisted high above his head.
Sometimes, challenged youths were dared
to touch these toys, and perhaps were dead.)

Edit:
But now the kids are almost grown,
And their interests due to change;
This box of toys, we'll soon disown,
Shift to the attic, a room so strange...

(But, now the kids are almost grown
and their interests are due to change
this box of toys, we will soon disown
shift to the attic, a room so strange.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions, and changed some words, and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions or advice as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I understand you also enjoy right to and freedom of expression, though.

You have not used Author’s Notes to help readers understand and appreciate your poem. You have not mentioned a word about use of your poetic licence in this poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in June, 2011 and I am proud that my review is the first one of your poem, written and sent today in about nine years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1261/Mo 21102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a great and simple paying tribute to your beloved and great father now at rest in Heavenly Abode of our Divine Only Father.

You do appreciate and praise God the Father for gifting you most revered father on earth and you express your gratitude for such an honourable father who ever inspired you to live so meaningfully and lead a lovely living on earth for your father had given you memorable childhood and offered you care, love and affection.

You are grateful to your father and God the Father in Heaven for gifting you so graceful life.

I like this work and have enjoyed the read, the gracious word imagery and word visuals and free flow of thoughts.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, non-metaphoric, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable.

Though, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. However, I find the title is not appropriate and correctly expressed, as you wish to express your thanks to both God and to your beloved dad, as mentioned in the poem.

Edit:
"Thank You, Father"
(Thank You, Father)

Edit:
To Him, I owe the gift of life.
(To God, I owe the gift of my life.)

Comments:
By the expression ‘to Him’ you metaphorically try to express both God and your father, and it is not wise to address even in metaphorically a mortal father, your great, beloved and honourable father at the same address, as the expression means so, that is why I think it is inexpressive and confusing, as you have used the word in the beginning of a sentence.

Edit:
ThankYou, Father in Heaven
for blessing me with the kindest of
of parents a daughter can ever hope
for, and cherish them forever.

(Thank You, Father in Heaven
for blessing me with the kindest of
parents a daughter can ever hope
for and cherish them forever.)

Edit:
The sweet memories of a happy
childhood come to me flooding,
submerging my mind and heart with
my dad’s love and mom’s warmth.

(Sweet memories of a happy
childhood come to me flooding,
submerging my mind and heart with
my dad’s love and mom’s loving warmth.)

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions, and changed some words, and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions or advice as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in June, 2010 and I am proud that my review is the fifth one of your poem written and sent today in about ten years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.

Everything Possible! Keep Writing Promote It Readable For Years! My R No.1259/Mo 21102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Indeed, this is a nice article; advice for making a good living is appreciable for a moral, ethical, and healthy living. I like and have enjoyed the read.


But, I do not like the style of presentation of the article as I do not like the last advice for I think it is somewhat dubious and I think it is not an advice so appreciable for it is not clear to me in right perspective of the advice you wish to prescribe.


Title of the article is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of an article maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable.


Edit:
Stuff I want to tell the whole world
(Stuff I Want to Tell the Whole World)


Edit:
Stay true to yourself. ...
Do what you love--not what you're told to love. ...
Create an environment that's right for you. ...
Choose your friends wisely. ...
Develop positive habits. ...
Create certainty and leave room for uncertainty. ...
Be vulnerable.

(Stay true to yourself.)
(Do what you love, not what you are told to love.)
(Create an environment that is right for you.)
(Choose your friends wisely.)
(Develop positive habits.)
(Create certainty and leave room for uncertainty.)
(Be vulnerable.)


Please check, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions as edits in the brackets as above and comments, you are free to accept or reject any.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this article with us.
Do, Everything Is Possible! Write To Keep It Readable For Years! My R No.1257/S 19102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a fantastic poem, indeed on an uncommon subject; I have enjoyed the read, the free flow of thoughts, the word visuals and the word imagery.


Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit:
when pure innocence of a child is later shattered
(When pure innocence of a child is later shattered?)

Or,
(When is pure innocence of a child later shattered?)


Edit:
Pure and untouched
my mind was innocent
free of fear and anger
filled with joy and happiness

(Pure and untouched
my mind was innocent.
Free of fear and anger
but, filled with joy and happiness.)

Or,

(Free of fear and anger
but, mind was filled with joy and happiness.)

Comments:
These lines are more expressive.


Edit:
Strong and steady
my heart was innocent
free of hurt and betrayal
filled with love and honesty

(Strong and steady
my heart was innocent.
Free of hurt and betrayal
but, filled with love and honesty.)

Or,

(Free of hurt and betrayal
but, my heart was filled with love and honesty.)

Comments:
These lines are clearer or more expressive.


Edit:
Carefree and happy
my soul was innocent
free of thieves and murderers
filled with light and laughter

(Carefree and happy
my soul was innocent.
Free of thieves and murderers
but, filled with light and laughter.)

Or,

(Free of thieves and murderers
but, my soul was filled with light and laughter.)

Comments:
These lines are more expressive.


Edit:
Torn and raped
my mind became unworthy
lost its joy and happiness
filled with fear and anger

(Torn and raped
my mind became unworthy.
Lost its joy and happiness
but, filled with fear and anger.)

Or,
(Lost my mind joy and happiness
for it was filled with fear and anger.)

Comments:
These lines are more expressive.

Edit:
Weak and unstable
my heart became unworthy
lost its love and honesty
filled with hurt and betrayal

(Weak and unstable
my heart became unworthy.
Lost its love and honesty
but, filled with hurt and betrayal.)

Or,

(Lost its love and honesty
for my heart was filled with hurt and betrayal.)

Comments:
These lines are more expressive.

Edit:
Stolen and murdered
my soul became unworthy
lost its light and laughter
only a black void to fill its spot

(Stolen and murdered
my soul became unworthy.
Lost its light and laughter
but, there was only a black void to fill its spot.)

Or,

(Lost its light and laughter
my soul had only a black void to fill its spot.)

Comments:
These lines are more expressive.

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions, and changed some words, and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions or advice as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem. You have not used Author’s Notes to help readers to understand your work better.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in November, 2002 and I am proud that my review is the seventeenth of your poem written and sent today in about seventeen years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Do, Everything Is Possible! Write To Keep It Readable For Years! My R No.1256/S 19102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Interesting, really the beginning of this fiction has a good catch and the middle is well spread and expressed and the ending is fantastic.


I have enjoyed the read; the flow of thoughts is free and spontaneous, and the dramatic end and the revelation of the mystery, and the plot development in sequences to reveal the truth and get enjoyment in the read.


But, I could not enjoy fully for in the following lines I could not remember or visualize or identify the speakers and listeners:

"Little Brother, that's a bull in a china shop."

"Oh, you heard it too."


And I could not enjoy the following line:
"We'll go into the attic and I'll prove it."


Comments:
A writer knows his or her subject, he gets pleasure and enjoyment in the read, but I could not enjoy reading the aforesaid lines. So, I think these lines are not clear to me. Moreover, assumption is a time consuming process and being a reader I do not like to re-read each line to continue getting enjoyment from or in the read. As you have not explained or mentioned the status of the characters.

A writer is expected to help readers understand the sentences and enjoy the read, you know time is precious, and a reader may not be interested to invest time in assumption or presumption, I think writing is expected to be free and simple, easy to understand and follow.

I understand but, the following line does not make an expressive sentence:
"Animal control to get the squirrels out of our attic."


Comments:
The speaker is not properly addressed and the sentence itself is not expressed correctly. And it is not a correct or complete sentence grammatically.


The matter is easy, sentence is easy, expression is easy and everything is easy to the writer and being a reader I do not find it is easy and well expressed.


You would appreciate, time is limited and precious, a reader invests time in the read only if he or she finds interest or gets enjoyment in the read; you know a writing on public read and review does not limit to only writer’s own or self-joy, self-entertainment or self-enjoyment but a writer is expected to think of readers’ enjoyment or entertainment at the same time.


For example, in the following lines, I think, it is not easy to identify the characters or speakers and it is not easy to continue keeping interest in the read, because you have not introduced the characters or speakers or listeners:
"No!" She jerked her arm from his grasp. "I'm not going into the attic. If you want to go up there you can."


Title of the fiction is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a fiction maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable.


Please check, I have humbly and honestly offered some comments within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments.


I feel good in writing this review of your fiction which was created in June, 2016 and I am proud that my review is the fifth one of your fiction written and sent today in about four years after creation of your fiction.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this fantastic fiction with us.
Do, Everything Is Possible! Write To Keep It Readable For Years! My R No.1255/S 19102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Review of To My Door .I.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a thought, visualization, intense feeling and interesting emotion! You have expressed your feeling in praise of your house door.


I like and have enjoyed the read. I liked much the monologue flavour of expression of your feelings about the door in appreciation of your feeling in action relation with the door.


I enjoyed the free flow of thoughts, taletelling, metaphoric colours, dramatic manifestation, the word imagery and the word visuals.


Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem in essence.


Edit:
How can I live without you?
For my hand clasps your knob with a caress
to tug you taut like a lifesaver,
and when I feel you behind me,
you welcome me,
you, an alchemist brewing
remedial potions for dark times,
keeping me private and secure,
and standing guard
while I change clothes and sorrows,
as I suffer my concussions from life.

(How I could live without you!
For my fingers clasp your knob with a caress
to tug you taut like a lifesaver
and when I feel you behind me
you welcome me.
You, an alchemist brewing
remedial potions for my dark times
keeping me private and secure
and standing guard
while I change clothes and sorrows
as I suffer my concussions from life.)


Edit:
How do you circumvent self-imposed limitations?
For you are neither ornate nor grand;
yet, polishing your uppercut,
you cover up for me when I smuggle
the poetry of my nakedness
inside small spiral notebooks,
but unlike hypocritical lovers,
you maintain your stance
without promises
or slippery adulation.

(How you could circumvent your self-imposed limitations!
For you are neither ornate nor grand
yet, polishing your uppercut.
You cover up for me when I smuggle
poetry of my nakedness
inside small spiral notebooks.
But, unlike hypocritical lovers
you maintain your stance
with no promises
or slippery adulation.)


Edit:
How do you find such generosity?
For, when I hold you open,
you offer traces of a dream,
in spite of my deficient life,
to encourage me to step
out of turbulent thoughts
and my keyboard’s jabber,
to face what it takes
to be me.

(How you would find such generosity!
For, when I hold you open
you offer traces of a dream
in spite of my deficient life
to encourage me to step
out of turbulent thoughts
and my keyboard’s jabber
to face what it takes
to be me of myself.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly and honestly offered some suggestions, and changed some words, and corrected some lines, and or sentences of the poem, grammatically, within my limited knowledge, in order to encourage you, in terms of better expression; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions or advice as edits given in the brackets as above for smoother, more expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.


I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in September, 2005 and I am proud that my review is the eleventh one of your poem written and sent today in about fourteen years after creation of your poem.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1251/S 19102019
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Review of Counting Stars  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, this is a fantastic poem about your forgotten dreams and about experiences of feeling the impacts of light and darkness in courses of living and about your connections in living and about your achievements and hopes, aspirations, wishes, aims and targets in living and experiences of living with failures and successes, and feelings and emotions in living a righteous state of living in appreciation, and about self-evaluation of performance achievements in living.


I liked most the following lines:
God’s precious gift not to be wasted
Dreams like mine must become real


I liked and enjoyed the read.


Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in May, 2014 and I am proud that my review is the fourth one of your poem written in about six years after creation of your poem.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1246/T-17102019
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a lesson about writer’s cache, an activity task for the learners of a course.

I have enjoyed the read of the fiction on lesson about writer’s cache, and about a family discussion and interaction between couple about their state of family living affairs.

Title of the lesson activity is significant, and appropriate, if not catchy; I expect a title of a lesson activity maybe in addition, clear, compact and complete.

Edit:
She stands in the middle of our living room, arms at her sides, a suitcase at her feet. I can’t think of a thing to say.

(She stands in the middle of our living room, laying arms at her sides and keeping a suitcase at her feet. I cannot think of a thing to say her.)

Edit:
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry it’s come to this.” Her eyes look down at her hands. She twists the scarf repeatedly as though it were a Rubik cube puzzle needing an answer.

(“For what worth it is, I am sorry it has come to this.” Her eyes look down at her hands. She twists the scarf repeatedly as if it were a Rubik cube puzzle needing an answer.)

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your lesson. You have not used Author’s Notes.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in December, 2008 and I am proud that my review is the third one of your lesson written in about twelve years after creation of the lesson.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this lesson with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1243/T-17102019
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Review of Longing.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your poem; I have enjoyed the read, the free flow of thoughts, and the word visuals.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:
Longing.
(Longing)

Edit:
I long for the sweet and tender softness of your lips.
The smoothness of your skin under my hand.
Your breath warm against the side of my neck.
The stormy and dark beauty of your eyes as they pierce my soul.
The way your words destroy the walls around my heart.

I long to be released from this cage.
Held captive by my choices.
A prisoner in my head because I was too weak to fight.
Too scared to make the attempt.

I long for a heaven I will never enter.


(I long for sweet and tender softness of your lips.
I long for smoothness of your skin under my hand.
I long for your breath warm against the side of my neck.
I long for stormy and dark beauty of your eyes as they pierce my soul.
I long for the way your words destroy the walls around my heart.

I long for to be released from this cage.
I wish to be held captive by my choices.
I wish to be a prisoner in my head because I am too weak to fight.
I wish not to be too scared to make the attempt.

I long for heaven I will never enter in.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1242/T-17102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, I have read a nice poem and enjoyed the read, the free flow of thoughts, the word visuals and the word imagery.

You have dreamt many dreams about playing different games and seen in the dreams how you have played like world popular players and won many games and shouted in the dreams and enjoyed how people or fans shouted at you at your wins and how much you felt proud of your achievements, all you have expressed clearly in the poem.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem in essence.

Edit:
I dream that he is me
(I Dream That He is Me)

Edit:
what child athletes think while playing, with a Women's World Cup shout out at the end.
(What children athletes think while playing with a Women's World Cup shout out at the end?)

Edit:
Sometimes I dream that the
whole world's eyes are on me.
I throw a baseball in the air.
Sometimes it goes a mile onto
Waveland Avenue or Big Mac Land,
Both our neighbor's back yard.
I see myself soaring through the air,
just like Mike.
Or shooting two for IU
stopping to turn on the
Assembly Hall lights in our garage.
On a clear, crisp autumn day,
I grab the football and start to run
making my way through a pack of invisible linemen.
I am Peyton, Emmitt, Unit,
Elway, Shaq or Maddux,
Or even someone really neat,
I am that big kid down the street.
Sometimes I see that spotted ball,
I dream that I am streaking down the
field, guiding the ball with my feet,
I aim for a net of picket fence,
I run, I kick and it goes through.
Sometimes I dream
That she is me.


(Sometimes I dream
whole world's eyes are on me.
I throw a baseball in the air and
sometimes, it goes a mile onto
Waveland Avenue or Big Mac Land
both are our neighbor's back yards.)


(I see myself soaring through the air
just like Mike, or shooting at two for IU
stopping to turn on the
Assembly Hall lights in our garage.)


(On a clear, crisp autumn day
I grab the football and start to run
making my way through a pack of invisible linemen.)


(I am Peyton, Emmitt, Unit,
Elway, Shaq or Maddux, or even
someone really neat,
I am that big kid down the street.)


(Sometimes, I see that spotted ball.
I dream that I am streaking down the
field, guiding the ball with my feet.)


(I aim for a net of picket fence.
I run, I kick and it goes through.
Sometimes, I dream
that she is me.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words, and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem. You have not used Author’s Notes.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1241/T-17102019
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Review of my friend  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Truly nice, this is a simple poem of love and care; I have enjoyed the read, and the free flow of thoughts, the word imagery and the word visuals and peoples’ love and care to your husband’s aunt.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, clear, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem in essence.

Edit:
my friend
(My Friend)

Edit:
this is a poem about my husbands aunt which I dearly loved.
(This is a poem about my husband’s aunt whom I dearly loved.)

Edit:
She was all alone and up in age,
She loved her church it was all the rage.
She suffered badly she was deeply depressed.
A widow without child she needed to rest.
She stopped going to church, fore she was in pain
The only people who helped had something to gain.
But one Christian woman showed she was a friend.
She waited on her until the end.
The tears she shed where upon them who turned in those final days.

(She was all alone and up in age.
She loved her church, it was all the rage.
She suffered badly and she was deeply depressed.
A widow without child, she needed to rest.
She stopped going to church, fore she was in pain.
People who only helped had something to gain.
But, one Christian woman showed she was a friend.
She waited on her until her end.
Tears she shed were upon them who turned in her final days.)

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in October, 2014 and I am proud that my review is the eighth one of your poem written in about five years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1238/T-17102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Spaces  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I do appreciate your endeavour in composing this poem, I like the theme you wanted to convey, but I find, I could not reach your thoughts clearly, fully or completely, and I could not enjoy the read, but I liked the word visuals, rhythms of thoughts, as if I find some grave or vital part of the concept is missing.


I like the philosophical view that you have tried to inject in your work and the expression has been subtle and I think as a whole the poem has gone over my head and I fail to catch the inner essence of the theme of the poem in term of enjoyment in the read.


Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, clear, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem in a subjective order.


Edit and comments:
It's raining.
There's solace in the sound.
My mind's afire,
but the rain is soothing.

You lie,
I sit.

You there,
I here.

Separate,
alone,
apart,
having touched
but never clasped!

I would have given ALL
to protect you-
to keep you safe.

But such things as these
are not,
nor have they ever been,
in the spaces where
life actually occurs!

(It's raining.
There's solace in the sound.
My mind is afire
but the rain is soothing.

You lie
and I sit.

You are there
and I am here.

Separate,
alone,
apart
having touched
but, never clasped.

I would have given my all
to protect you
to keep you safe.

But, such things as these
are not, nor
have they ever been
in the spaces where
life actually occurs.)


Comments:
Inexpressive is there in the poem, as it is evident, narration is confusing and incomplete, particularly in the following phrases ‘Separate, alone, apart having touched but, never clasped.’

And the last stanza is completely confusing, your point is not clear, I think, something is missing.

I appreciate your endeavour, you have really done a good poem but, it is inexpressive, so I could not get full enjoyment in the read.

It is always good to share a poem on public read and review, and I think you have achieved your own or self-joy, self-enjoyment from your work but what about readers’ enjoyment from the read, maybe it is my inability to understand you within my limited level of intelligence or knowledge.

I think a writer is known by the readers and become popular at the enjoyment or entertainment readers get from read of the work.

It is true that the poem has a philosophical viewpoint about living and I could not enjoy it fully within my limited knowledge of philosophy put into practice of writing a poem.

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in October, 2007 and I am proud that my review is the fifth one of your poem I have written in about twelve years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1236/T-17102019
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Review of Power Stems  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
It is good to learn once more that flowers have glory and power of their own as Nature provides and gifts the offer; you travel enough, visit places and have experienced and felt the truth, the power and glory flowers gift through their beauty of Nature.


I liked and enjoyed the read, the rhymes, the word imagery and word visuals, and good use of the required words for the contest.


But, the theme is not quite clear, and the point of view, and I think you need to write at least a word to help readers to understand and get into the theme fully, rightly, clearly and completely.


Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit and comments:
Venlo, Holland, the site of Floriade:
look at the beauty that nature has made.
Every ten years blooms a flowering fest;
we now admire what nature does best.
On down the river past castles we ride,
Switzerland, Germany, Dutch countryside.
Look at the colors so vivid and deep,
rousing in spring from a long winter sleep.
Far from the Alps with a glacier on high,
tulips and lilies recapture the eye.
Neither strong storm nor a shipwreck on Rhine,
shall ever uproot the glory we find.
So, international, flowers remain
joy to the heart and a warmth to retain.


(Venlo, Holland, the site of Floriade:
look at the beauty that nature has made.
Every ten years blooms a flowering fest
we now admire what nature does best.
On down the river past castles we ride
Switzerland, Germany, and Dutch countryside.
Look at the colors so vivid and deep
rousing in spring from a long winter sleep.
Far from the Alps with a glacier on high
tulips and lilies recapture the eye.
Neither strong storm nor a shipwreck on Rhine,
shall ever uproot the glory we find.
So, international, flowers remain
joy to the heart and warmth to retain.)


Comments:
The theme is not clear and I find there is inexpressiveness in the lines of the poem; I have just tried to make it expressive. I think, you need to flesh and add some words to make the poem wholly or fully understood for appreciation.


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.


It is always good to add a word in Author’s Notes to help readers to understand and appreciate a work.


A writer is expected to think of readers’ enjoyment from the read. I think it is not wise to write something and place on public read and review only for writer’s own or self-pleasure, self-joy, self-pride or self-enjoyment.


I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in May, 2012 and I am proud that my review is the third one of your poem in about eight years after creation of your poem.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1235/T-17102019
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Review of Same Old Henry  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A nice refreshing story it is, indeed, I liked.

It is easy to relate the taletelling to anyone’s life.

Friends meet unexpectedly after about a decade, they share their memories. There is no commendable or noticeable change in your friend Henry. Though, they refreshed their memories and shared a lot of facts reluctantly and happily. That nature or habit does not change in man for years.

I liked and enjoyed the read, the beginning and the end.

Title of the short story is significant, and appropriate, if not catchy; I expect a title of a short story maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the short story.


Edit:
"What's it been, Henry? Ten years? Twelve? You haven't changed a bit," said Trevor, glancing at his childhood friend in the rearview mirror.

("What has it been, Henry? Ten, twelve years, right? You have not changed a bit," said Trevor, glancing at his childhood friend in the rearview mirror.)


Edit:
As they approached 38th, Henry tapped on the plexiglass and motioned for another left. When a railway overpass appeared through the windshield, he said, "Here's good."

(As they approached 38th, Henry tapped on the plexiglass and motioned for toward another left. When a railway overpass appeared through the windshield, he said, "Here it is good.")


Edit:
Sparks from the cab's radio provided fitful light for a few more seconds, then the interior fell dark.

(Sparks from the cab's radio provided fitful light for a few more seconds, and then the interior fell dark.)


Edit:
"Yeah - you haven't changed a bit."
("My God, you haven't changed a bit.")


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words of the short story grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your short story.


I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in February, 2010 and I am proud that my review is the third one of your short story written in about a decade after creation of your short story.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this fantastic short story with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1234/T-17102019
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Review of Afterglow  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Love’s glow in appreciation! Afterglow in praise!

A dedicated, selfless and unconditional lover finds love’s glow every moment of living in love, and gets as well enjoys the incessant spread and influence of glow.

Lover brings light like dawn to your dark world and finds illumination all moments thereafter and makes your life glowing.

Even today lover has left but in the twilight love’s glow lives on in your heart and you enjoy glow of love moments thereafter.

I like the poem tells about the spirit, power and energy you enjoy love’s glow and afterglow when lover leaves.

I enjoyed the read, the free flow of thoughts, the word visuals and the word imagery.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, clear, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:
Now, you've left me
and even in the twilight,
the glow of you lives on
in my heart.

(Now, you have left me,
and even in the twilight, the
glow of you lives on
in my heart.)

I have humbly offered some suggestions; you are free to accept or reject any of the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in May, 2009 and I am proud that my review is the twenty-first of your poem written in about a decade after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1232/T-17102019
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Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
It is nice to know you are happy keeping your heart under lock and key, saved from the world outside and you know your heart is protected from a fall as it is hidden in shadows.

I liked the poem and enjoyed the read, the word visuals and the word imagery as well the free flow of thoughts.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, correct, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit:
in shadows it is hidden
(In shadows the heart is hidden.)


Edit:
No air, no sun,
in shadows
it is hidden.

(No air, no sun,
in shadows
the heart is hidden.)

Edit:
No kisses, no hugs,
no "I love you's"
color its soul at all.

(No kisses, no hugs,
no ‘I love yous’
color its soul at all.)


Edit:
Precautions carefully taken
to protect it
from a fall.

(Precautions have carefully been taken
to protect my heart
from a fall.)

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in March, 2004 and I am proud that my review is the first one of your poem written in about sixteen years after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1229/W-16102019
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good poem about remembering of her lasting imperfect impressions as you remember her upon your rose coloured glasses that has a scratch, I liked the taletelling of remembering of her relation in term of her impressions while finding your impression on mirror.

I enjoyed reading the word visuals and the word imagery and the free flow of thoughts.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem about someone’s impressions.


Edit:
like a chip on the edge of your glasses
(Like a chip on the edge of your glasses)


Edit:
Of all the lasting impressions
life has left upon the mirror of my soul,
I only think of you with a shudder
and a scratch upon my rose colored glasses.

(Of all the lasting impressions
life has left upon the mirror of my soul, but
I only think of you with a shudder and
a scratch upon my rose colored glasses.)


Edit:
Life has left upon the mirror of my soul
images and memories, smiles and tears.
Small fingerprints, laughter and maybe a few fears.
In hindsight, more sun than rain.

(Life has left upon the mirror of my soul the
images and memories, smiles and tears
small fingerprints, laughter and fears
in hindsight, more sun than rain.)


Edit:
I only think of you with a shudder,
the kind of ghost-on-grave walking
they used to attribute a shiver to,
in days of yore and superstition.

(I only think of you with a shudder the
kind of ghost-on-grave walking they
used to attribute a shiver to, in
days of yore and superstition.)


Edit:
A scratch upon my rose colored glasses,
mostly easy to look through.
I shan't polish you away,
but remember you as imperfection.

(A scratch upon my rose colored glasses
mostly easy to look through.
I shall not polish you away
but, remember you as imperfection.)

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the comments and suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in January, 2009 and I am proud that my review is the first one of your poem written in about a decade after creation of your poem.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1227/W-16102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (5.0)
You were going to Budapest by train; you thought she was sitting beside you, you felt her presence and felt her long black hair on your shoulder, you were watching outside through window and you looked into her big brown eyes and you thought of living with her and she stared back into your eyes and thought how could you live her life.


This is a good monologue about living a life with her; you continued thinking of her in the train.
I liked the monologue and enjoyed the read.


Title of the story is significant, and appropriate, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the story.


Edit:
On the Train I imagine you
(On the Train I Imagine You)


Edit:
The seat cracked; nobody beside me.
(The seat cracked; there was nobody beside me.)


Edit:
I look into your big brown eyes and see the what ifs.
(I look into your big brown eyes and see what ifs.)


Edit:
You could live like that but it’s not your life.
(You could live like that but it was not your life.)


Edit:
You stare back into my eyes; not our life.
(You stare back into my eyes, not our lives.)


Edit:
And the train’s horn cries out like a battle cry; Final stop, Budapest is next…
(And the train’s horn cries out like a battle cry; the final stop comes, Budapest is next.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the story grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your story.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My R No.1226/W-16102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Review of Love's Surprise  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Blessed! Surprises of love relation! Love in appreciation!

I liked this prose poem about your blessed and glorious love relationship. I enjoyed the read, the word visuals and imagery.

Your love, love relationship, appreciation of love, love feeling and surprising love relationship is inexpressible in words.

Title of the poem is significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, complete, attention-drawing, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.

Edit:
The most exquisite, romantic,
And unexpected chance -
Your heartfelt stirrings
Completely ignited
My budding passions,
And I became thoroughly consumed
By your radiant and lustrous beauty.

(The most exquisite, romantic
and unexpected chance is
your heartfelt stirrings that
completely ignited
my budding passions
and I became thoroughly consumed by
your radiant and lustrous beauty.)

Edit:
Our deepest desires were fulfilled,
And we began that fateful journey
Down life's glorious path;
That neverending road of grace and inspiration
Known only to the lucky few
Who are joined in the most blessed
And sacred unions.

(Our deepest desires were fulfilled
and we began that fateful journey
down life's glorious path
that never-ending road of grace and inspiration
known only to the lucky few
who joined in the most blessed
and sacred unions.)

Edit:
We are now completely enmeshed
In our feelings of attraction and yearning...
Words cannot express
The harmonious depth
Of our joyous partnership.

(We are now completely enmeshed
in our feelings of attraction and yearning.
Words cannot express
the harmonious depth
of our joyous partnership.)

Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.

I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in April, 2014 and I am proud that my review is written as the first review of your poem in about more than five years after its creation.

Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.
Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My Review Number 1224/T-15102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic!


This is really a poem with a moral I like. As it was a pleasant and enjoyable read all the way.

I liked the poem, the taletelling, the word imagery, the word visuals, the moral, the message, the free flow of thoughts, the rhythms of thoughts, the rhymes, the metaphoric use in the story, the realistic story with a good message of living and fine lesson for teaching human beings.

Title of the poem is significant, clear, complete and appropriate.


Edit:
"Once upon a time, there lived a..mouse/who spent his days searching a particular house.."
Once upon a time, there lived a mouse that spent his days searching a particular house.


Edit:
Once upon a time, there lived a finicky mouse,
Who spent his days searching a particular house,
For a worthwhile sign of some delectable cheese,
But he could never find this delicious food with ease.

(Once upon a time, there lived a finicky mouse
that spent his days searching a particular house
for a worthwhile sign of some delectable cheese
but, he could never find this delicious food with ease.)


Edit:
At last, he grew tired of his improbable plan
Of searching the house with a simple scan;
Into cupboards and drawers, he decided to dig
In search of the food, or something else big.

(At last, he grew tired of his improbable plan
of searching the house with a simple scan
into cupboards and drawers, he decided to dig
in search of the food, or something else big.)


Edit:
But hard as he tried, he still found no cheese,
Nor a food scrap or morsel, try as he please!
This house without food made so little sense –
Why would a mouse pay such an expense?

(But, hard as he tried, he still found no cheese
nor a food scrap or morsel, try as he please.
This house without food made so little sense.
Why would a mouse pay such an expense?)


Edit:
So the finicky mouse had to look elsewhere –
There clearly wasn’t any delicious food there.
He left that strange abode with nothing to eat
And searched for food in the middle of the street…

(So, the finicky mouse had to look elsewhere.
There clearly was not any delicious food there.
He left that strange abode with nothing to eat
and searched for food in the middle of the street.)


Edit:
Then a few blocks away, he found a garbage can,
And in it he found every scrap known to man.
But the cheese he found there was smelly and old;
From not being eaten, it had developed mold.

(Then, a few blocks away, he found a garbage can
and in it he found every scrap known to man.
But, the cheese he found there was smelly and old
from not being eaten, it had developed mold.)


Edit:
A creature such as this can scavenge from people;
A mouse can live comfortably, plainly and simple.
But sometimes, the humans know there’s a mouse
And lock away the food that’s inside their house!

(A creature such as this can scavenge from people.
A mouse can live comfortably, plainly and simple.
But, sometimes the humans know there is a mouse
and lock away the food that is inside their house.)


Edit:
That finicky mouse will likely not fail,
But the dignity of people must also prevail!
The moral of this story is prevention’s a must;
Those who are clueless will boom, and then bust…

(That finicky mouse will likely not fail.
But, the dignity of people must also prevail.
The moral of this story is prevention is a must.
Those who are clueless will boom, and then bust.)


Please check, I think it is necessary to help you, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed some words and corrected some lines and sentences of the poem grammatically; you are free to accept or reject any of the suggestions as edits in the brackets as above for smoother, expressive and more pleasant read of your poem.


I feel good in writing this review of your poem which was created in February, 2009 and I am proud that my review is the first one of your poem in about more than a decade after its creation and posting.


Well done overall; thank you for sharing this poem with us.


Keep Writing! Write Anything That May Be Readable For Years! My Review Number 1223/T-15102019
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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