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476
476
Review of Ice  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good poem I like.


This speaks clearly about a lady’s psychological and feeling based response to a man’s letter, the response was so intelligent and innovative and I think it is emotional and passionate the man could understand in terms of their relationship.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the shocking matter was responded psychologically, the free and flair flow of thoughts, a word acrostic, the imagery, the word visuals and the read.



Title of the poem is metaphorically appropriate, if not catchy; I hope a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, the title has relevance to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:

Your letter made me cry for days, and
heart pain was all I felt.

(Your letter made me cry for days, and
heart pain all I felt.)



Edit:

As days pass, I struggle to survive and I know,
Ice will not numb the passion that we felt.

(As days pass, I struggle to survive and I know
ice will not numb the passion that we felt.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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477
477
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Fantastic!


This is a poem that I have liked at the first read. This is very imaginative and you have thought to do something fantastically and it is interesting to learn that you are planning for a new reconfiguration of human species, interestingly; you wish to work as the Mashe of Earth.



I have enjoyed the fantastic story, the thoughts and the style of expression, the free, flair and fast flow of thoughts, the innovative thought of reconfiguration of human and human birth, the rhymes and rhythms of storytelling, the tone and diction, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; I hope a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, complete, comprehensible, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, I find the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem, though it is partially complete, partly correct and a bit clear.



Edit:
Drix Ranze is the name, I'm the Mashe of Earth,
Totally in charge of each and every human birth.
Appointed for life by the High Abbeth of Phapes,
Renown for reconfiguring humans from the apes.

(Drix Ranze is the name, I'm the Mashe of Earth
and totally, in charge of each and every human birth
appointed for life by the High Abbeth of Phapes
renown for reconfiguring humans from the apes.)



Edit:
The average life span of a Phapanite clears,
The equal to a hundred million human years.
For us a thousand light year journey's as tiny,
As a one way trip to the island of Hawaii.

(The average life span of a Phapanite clears
the equal to a hundred million human years.
For us a thousand light year journey is as tiny
as a one way trip to the Island of Hawaii.)



Edit:

We engineered the current size of the human brain,
A higher intelligence is more useful to tame.
For use of tools we gave opposable thumbs,
For diets, new teeth were grown from human gums.

(We engineered the current size of the human brain.
A higher intelligence is more useful to tame.
For use of tools, we gave opposable thumbs.
For diets, new teeth were grown from human gums.)



Edit:
Thousands of changes we put humans through,
As a created species, all humans were brand new.
Then into the unknown future humans were hurled,
Left alone to develope their own modern world.

(Thousands of changes we put humans though
as a created species, all humans were brand new.
Then into the unknown future humans were hurled
left alone to develop their own modern world.)



Edit:

And now a new reconfiguration is come,
To our redesign, human beings must succumb.
We'll spread out changes over the next million years,
To keep changes invisible and minimize man's fear.

(And now a new reconfiguration comes
to our redesign, human beings must succumb.
We'll spread out changes over the next million years
to keep changes invisible and minimize man's fear.)



Edit:
First to go, the genitals, because there'll be no need,
Cloning will replace sexual reproduction by the seed.
Machines are more efficient, so legs will disappear,
Feet will be flatter, attached directly to the rear.

(First to go, the genitals, because there'll be no need
as cloning will replace sexual reproduction by the seed.
Machines are more efficient, so legs will disappear
and feet will be flatter, attached directly to the rear.)



Edit:
Again, we'll double the human brain in it's size,
The nose, just a hole between three night visioned eyes.
Heads and bodies will share an egg shaped frame,
No navel, no neck but their arms will be the same.

(Again, we'll double the human brain in its size.
The nose is just a hole between three-night visioned eyes.
Heads and bodies will share an egg-shaped frame.
No navel, no neck but their arms will be the same.)



Edit:
Former functions will be replaced by implanted chips,
Their thoughts will be shared, no use for their lips,
TV shows and movies will be shown inside their mind,
The same technology cures the deaf, dumb and blind.

(Former functions will be replaced by implanted chips.
Their thoughts will be shared, no use for their lips.
TV shows and movies will be shown inside their mind
the same technology cures the deaf, dumb and blind.)



Edit:
If there comes a need, to move from place to place,
They'll link to a Segway where their mind will interface,
Out the door, down the porch, from their own driveway,
To fly one hundred miles per hour across the blue skyway,

(If there comes a need, to move from place to place
they'll link to a Segway where their mind will interface.
Out the door, down the porch, from their own driveway
to fly one hundred miles per hour across the blue skyway.)



Edit:
When Phapanites reevaluate the depth of our success,
We hope not to have created another complete mess,
The New Reconfiguration's aim advances unafraid,
As humans will reap benefit of any changes we've made.

(When Phapanites reevaluate the depth of our success
we hope not to have created another complete mess.
The New Reconfiguration's aim advances unafraid
as humans will reap benefit of any changes we've made.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, and have corrected a few lines grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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478
478
Review of Lost Boy Found  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a lovely prime love poem, I like.



I enjoyed the story, the adventure, the taletelling, the monologue flavour of expression and storytelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the dramatic finding of a lost boy, the expectation of love making relation, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem may be in addition, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:

Adventurer -
You are
My darling boy.
My tiny fairy wings flutter
Like the swift beating of my heart.
Your wild spirit is a beacon, calling to my twinkling light
A lost boy always, but can my fierce love tame your wild soul?

(Adventurer
you are
my darling boy.
My tiny fairy wings flutter
like the swift beating of my heart.
Your wild spirit is a beacon, calling to my twinkling light.
A lost boy always but, can my fierce love tame your wild soul.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem,



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.




Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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479
479
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
This is about a story and you say, I mean, you declare, that a story is a mix of fiction and non-fiction, well, I understand, right you are, but, whither is the story, frankly speaking, I do not find a story in the posting, though, interestingly enough, you have mentioned - this is dedicated to my mom, dad, sister, and my boyfriend; I do not like to assume or guesswork, but as I read, I find the only sentence you have posted, where ‘this’ indicates the story, but the story is missing, therefore, I find no story here, I mean, the title of the story, as you have mentioned, A tale of two love birds, the story is not posted in this post.




But you mention, 'this' (maybe the story, I am not sure, though), is dedicated to your mom, dad, sister, and your boyfriend.



I fail to understand, how you can dedicate anything (here the story, as you have mentioned, but the story is missing) to someone this way, I never understand your wish, purpose or practice of dedication.



I do not like to make any guess what happened, but I may think, you have not read your post after posting here on this site, because, I cannot think, you are playing with the readers.



Anyway, as and when you post the story, I may write a review on the same.



We make mistakes, this is no assumption, I made so many mistakes in the past, everyone makes mistakes every day, there is a proverb, you too know, ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine’ and if I follow the adage, I may say, this is not to prove myself a perfect man, I may forgive you for the mistake you have made.



And if you are playing with the readers, you may think at your such act, or if you are confident of thinking this is a part of practice of riddle or to plead yourself more intelligent, I am sure, you are mistaken.



I am sorry, since I have not read any story, as it is evident, and I have not reviewed any story, I cannot rate the words you have posted.


And in a sentence, I think, I do not find any of your declared genres – Drama, Relationship, Romance/Love, as such I am sure, you have not posted the story. Maybe you have written the story very well and you may obtain the highest rating for your endeavour. But, I am sorry, I find no story here.



Thank you for sharing this work with us.



Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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480
480
Review of Christmas Ritual  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a nice poem composed as it expresses well the state of remembering those who were lost through celebration and practice of Christmas ritual.




You have clearly stated how you pay tribute and remember and honour the veterans in course of celebration of Christmas.




I liked the poem for its clarity of purpose and have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhymes, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.




But, I do not understand how you have maintained the form of the poem Cascade in making the poem, as it is not clearly to be seen as you have used in producing the poem, maybe the form of the poem is not clear to me, I mean, maybe how you have used the form of the poem is not evident and explicit to my understanding and appreciation of the poem.




Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; though, I hope and expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, the title has a relevance to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem, but I think, the title is not either comprehensive or complete.




Edit:

Each Christmas we adorn the tree -
a moment’s pause, a hallowed rite -
to honor those who’ve kept us free.

(Each Christmas we adorn the tree
a moment’s pause, a hallowed rite
to honor those who have kept us free.)




Edit:
A gentle wind is faintly heard.
It seems to command, “Carry on!”
Perhaps the branches have been stirred
adorned with dog tags of those gone.

(A gentle wind is faintly heard.
It seems to command, “Carry on!”
Perhaps, the branches have been stirred
adorned with dog tags for those gone.)




Edit:

The price of freedom has been paid.
There’s no resistance as we're drawn
ever onward, unafraid
as darkness yields before the dawn.

(The price of freedom is paid.
There is no resistance as we are drawn
ever onward, unafraid
as darkness yields before the dawn.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.




Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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481
481
Review of Christmas Ritual  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a nice poem composed as it expresses well the state of remembering those who were lost through celebration and practice of Christmas ritual.



You have clearly stated how you pay tribute and remember and honour the veterans in course of celebration of Christmas.



I liked the poem for its clarity of purpose and have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhymes, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



But, I do not understand how you have maintained the form of the poem Cascade in making the poem, as it is not clearly to be seen as you have used in producing the poem, maybe the form of the poem is not clear to me, I mean, maybe how you have used the form of the poem is not evident and explicit to my understanding and appreciation of the poem.




Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; though, I hope and expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, the title has a relevance to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem, but I think, the title is not either comprehensive or complete.



Edit:

Each Christmas we adorn the tree -
a moment’s pause, a hallowed rite -
to honor those who’ve kept us free.

(Each Christmas we adorn the tree
a moment’s pause, a hallowed rite
to honor those who have kept us free.)



Edit:

A gentle wind is faintly heard.
It seems to command, “Carry on!”
Perhaps the branches have been stirred
adorned with dog tags of those gone.

(A gentle wind is faintly heard.
It seems to command, “Carry on!”
Perhaps, the branches have been stirred
adorned with dog tags for those gone.)



Edit:

The price of freedom has been paid.
There’s no resistance as we're drawn
ever onward, unafraid
as darkness yields before the dawn.

(The price of freedom is paid.
There is no resistance as we are drawn
ever onward, unafraid
as darkness yields before the dawn.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
482
482
Review of Revelation  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have generalized the view, viewpoint and point of view about love, I mean, love and or first love, and stated that love has magic powers to imbue the lovers and power to create a memory of time and place, and you have shared your own experience of love, for example. And, you experienced how the pains were forgotten and how love by the grace of magic powers gave you promise of change of good feelings, and good or lovable state of living to come about.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhythmic and lovable tone and rhyme as well rhythms of love in appreciation, the diversified feelings and romanticism of love, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, but I think it is not complete and catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, compact, comprehensible, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, the title is significant and I see it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. Truly speaking, the title is subjective and incomplete.



Edit:

It’s said that love has magic powers,
turning minutes into hours,
imbuing each, by fate or chance,
with inner warmth from just a glance.

(It is often said that love has magic powers
turning minutes into hours
imbuing each by fate or chance
with inner warmth from just a glance.)



Edit:

This gift from long forgotten fates
retains the power to create
a memory of time and place
that time’s abrasion can’t erase.

(This gift from long-forgotten fate
retains the power to create
a memory of time and place
that time’s abrasion cannot erase.)



Edit:

My life was subtle shades of gray
until first love, like breaking day,
illuminated my dim world
with colors that around me swirled.

(My life was subtle shades of gray
until my first love like breaking day
illuminated my dim world
with colors that around me swirled.)



Edit:

I stood in awe at wondrous sights
that had been hidden in the night
of loneliness; what was concealed,
in love’s fresh light was now revealed.

(I stood in awe at wondrous sights
that had been hidden in all the nights
of loneliness what was concealed
in love’s fresh light now revealed.)



Edit:
We grow and what was found is lost;
the past’s a gulf that can’t be crossed.
Those precious memories, it seems,
are only found in first love dreams:

(We grow and what was found is lost
the past was a gulf that can’t be crossed.
Those precious memories as it seems
are only found in first love dreams.)



Edit:

I see her smile, in my mind’s eye.
I hear the passion in her sigh.

(I see her smile in my mind’s eye.
I hear the passion in her sigh.)



Edit:

The pain’s forgotten with the years
and there’s no need to shed more tears.
Those magic moments stay with me -
a promise of what’s yet to be.

(The pain was forgotten with the years
and there was no need to shed more tears.
Those magic moments stayed with me
as a promise of what was yet to be.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, and have corrected a few lines grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, even if you may think it is not important today, I think, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this lovely poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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483
483
Review of IM Me  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good poem you have composed, I liked.
In this digital age, you say, there is confusion, as you express, and you have rightly mentioned, how some people express about their identities or nature of their stand or status, and you depict, as some people do so, it is confusing, and you add something more, you say, it is silly what the people say about themselves.



But, you have mentioned in the last line of the poem, that IM me means something else in reality or really or really speaking.



IM means, message me, here, I think, it may be I message, so there is an implied message, and particular or specific use of digital informative style or use of informative message or use of technical abbreviation, in that perspective, it is nothing so harmful or meaningless, we may use the abbreviation, with wide use, it will become an acceptable practice, and the confusion will go out, I think.



When one use the abbreviation and clarify the abbreviation, there is no confusion, I think, but when there is no clarification or exemplification, there is confusion, but you say, you always find use of such abbreviation or abbreviated use of word or short use of alphabets comes to you with clarification or explanation, so there is no chance of confusion, as often you get such abbreviated use of alphabets, so you think it is confusing, right you are.



I have enjoyed the order of expression.



Title of the poem is appropriate but it is not catchy. I hope a title of a poem maybe in addition, tricky and complete.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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484
484
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a clear, good moral and psychological poem, I liked.



I enjoyed the story, the subject, the theme, the concept, the message, the taletelling, the viewpoint, point of view, attitude and qualities of a good man for living, the generalizations about a good man, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant and a bit catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:

A good man embraces optimism;
His actions are guided by a higher purpose and
Far-reaching, unwavering principles.
His mark is his solid commitment to his beliefs,
And his achievements are a cause for celebration.


(A good man embraces optimism.
His actions are guided by a higher purpose and
far-reaching, unwavering principles.
His mark is his solid commitment to his beliefs
and his achievements are a cause for celebration.)



Edit:

A good man possesses wisdom;
He speaks the truth, and backs up his words with appropriate actions.
He is keenly aware of the consequences of his decisions
And always seeks to reward the good endeavors of others.
His belief in God, or a higher power, is consistent and unwavering,
And he forever loves his family:
His wife, his children, his parents, and his siblings.

(A good man possesses wisdom.
He speaks the truth, and backs up his words with appropriate actions.
He is keenly aware of the consequences of his decisions
and always seeks to reward the good endeavors of others.
His belief in God, or a higher power, is consistent and unwavering
and he forever loves his family
his wife, his children, his parents, and his siblings.)



Edit:

His loyalty to his superiors, his subjects, and
His close, personal friends will always remain steadfast and firm…

(His loyalty to his superiors, his subjects, and
his close, personal friends will always remain steadfast and firm.)



Edit:

"A good man embraces optimism...His actions are guided by a higher purpose..."
(A good man embraces optimism. His actions are guided by a higher purpose.)



In more than eleven years of publication of this excellent poem, I am happy to write this review, and glad to scribe this first review of your poem.



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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485
485
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good poem I like.



You feel bad today, that is why you have composed this poem, you say today’s poor state of the lighthouse.



Yes, depression takes hold, so you share feeling about the lighthouse. You find, the lighthouse is no more an object that you feel good at.



The lighthouse has lost its glory, beauty, colour, structure and something more.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the natural change in status of the lighthouse, loss of the glow and beauty of the lighthouse, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. I find the title has relevance to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:

The dawn’s shadow,
a fog-covered sky,
hovers over a mountain-top
far too high to climb.

(The dawn’s shadow
a fog-covered sky
hovers over a mountain-top
far too high to climb.)




Edit:

In the beginning there was light…
but now, not even a shred of
evidence that it ever existed is
found inside this lighthouse.

(In the beginning there was light.
But, now not even a shred of
evidence that it ever existed is
found inside this lighthouse.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Open in new Window. (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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486
486
Review of The Painter  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fantastic poem I like.



You have portrayed a beautiful picture of sunrise and painted beautiful sunrise in words. I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the painting, the colour of the painting, the picture of sunrise, the appreciation of the real painter as you think or visualize, the feeling of driving to Heaven, the atmosphere, the scenery, the view, the scene, the scenic beauty, the light and colour, the colour and objects, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



It is nice to read that the painter has painted the most beautiful sunrise for you to watch and enjoy, for driving, driving the car, and driving the car to your school.



Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; I hope a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. I think, the title has some relevance to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem. However, the title is not complete and comprehensible, though, but it has significance in term of the theme of the poem.



Edit:

He must have had a wonderful dream
To paint such a dawning light
Of pastel pinks and soft jeweled greens
Glowing up from out of the night.

(He must have had a wonderful dream
to paint such a dawning light
of pastel pinks and soft jeweled greens
glowing up from out of the night.)



Edit:

I felt I must have been driving to Heaven
On that cold, snowy winter morning.
But, even as daylight washed out His creation,
I knew I'd remember that glory.

(I felt I must have been driving to Heaven
on that cold, snowy winter morning.
But, even as daylight washed out His creation
I knew I'd remember that glory.)



Edit:

Whether pastel or vibrance, I cannot recall,
It all just seared into my soul,
Like a gift painted out just for me and my car,
On that lonely commuter road.

(Whether pastel or vibrance, I cannot recall.
It all just seared into my soul
like a gift painted out just for me and my car
on that lonely commuter road.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Review of Diet of Love  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great poem and I liked the concept.



I enjoyed the story, the theme, the taletelling, the direction, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attractive, captivating, comprehensible, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:

Love brings smiles and tears
As hate brings sorrows and fears.
Happiness brings life of enjoyment
As success brings joy and fulfillment.

(Love brings smiles and tears
as hate brings sorrows and fears.
Happiness brings life of enjoyment
as success brings joy and fulfillment.)




Edit and comments:
Dream a dream of prosperity
As your heart's desires become reality.
Fill your life with joy and happiness
As cheerful memories enlighten your sweetness.

(Dream, as a dream of prosperity
as your heart's desires become reality.
Fill your life with joy and happiness
as cheerful memories enlighten your sweetness.)


Here the first line as above is not clear to me, I mean, it is not expressive and I fail to understand what you are actually trying to express; again, the line dream a dream of prosperity is not expressive, as such I have offered my suggestion to make it expressive and in this case, again, it is not expressive, so both the way, the line is not expressive.




Edit and comments:
Love is a commandment and is an adorable feeling;
God-given, a right embedded in the very core of our being.
Love is the fuel igniting the fire in a relationship;
We are endowed to live and show it.

(Love is a commandment and is an adorable feeling
God-given, a right embedded in the very core of our being.
Love is the fuel igniting the fire in a relationship.
We are endowed to live and show it.)



Though, I think, the last or fourth line here is not expressive, since the word ‘it’ is not expressive when we make this (last) line as a sentence, but when we express it (the last line here) as a part of the (third line) it becomes expressive and the word ‘it’ becomes clear for appreciation and understanding.



I do not understand how love is a commandment, and it is not clear to me, though. I think, love is not a command or mandate, rather it is a feeling.




Edit:
Share the love with your special person;
Spare the time to cuddle and reason.
Show real love and give it your all,
Otherwise you would disregard the earnest call.

(Share the love with your special person.
Spare the time to cuddle and reason.
Show real love and give it your all.
Otherwise, you would disregard the earnest call.)




Edit:
A lover decides to end a boring relationship and go in search of a new lover.

(A lover decides to end a boring relationship and wishes to go in search of a new lover.)

Or,

(A lover decides to end a boring relationship and goes in search of a new lover.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, and have corrected a few lines grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





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Review of Chill  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I do appreciate your endeavour. You have a great idea. Concept is good that you have tried to express in this 15-word poem.



I enjoyed the feeling contrasts that you have expressed in the poem. The setting of the environment is exposed well. Humour in appreciation of the environment is retained.



You cannot feel the chill of the sun simply by looking upward and it is rather hard to feel merely by looking upward even if the sun shines at a chilly day.



The feeling of chillness is real and it is not so easy to express in words.




Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, the title of the poem, I think as I read is not complete or comprehensible, though, it relates to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem and I do not find it is incorrect in term of the theme of the poem.



Edit:
Chilly day but the sun shines and it you look upward the chill seems less.


(Chilly day but, the sun shines, and if you look upward, the chill seems less.)


Or,

(Chilly day but the sun shines, and if you look upward the chill seems less.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed a word, and have corrected the line grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





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Rated: E | (4.5)

It is good to know the state of completion of the jobs of the Rising Stars on targets, and then some literary exercises were undertaken, and only the worthy performers could win, but in tough competitive spirits, your members tried hard and victory was yet to be known and to see the result of incessant work; the spirit of competitions well conveyed in the poem.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the spirit of competitions, the state of competitive and sportsman spirit in performance, the ongoing performance experience, the feeling of the stand of winning, the concept, the imagery, the rhymes, the theme, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I expect and hope a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, I find the title of the poem relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:

The Rising Stars have many things,
we need to do along the way,
Completing them, the heart it sings,
and work so great is on display.

(The Rising Stars have many things
we need to do along the way.
Completing them, the heart it sings
and work so great is on display.)



Edit:

At first we struggled, then we cried.
What work was this we had to do?
We screamed a bit before we tried.
Then wrote some stories and haiku.

(At first we struggled then we cried.
What work was this we had to do?
We screamed a bit before we tried.
Then we wrote some stories and haiku.)



Edit:

All runners run to win the race,
but those, who stumble when they start
May show great dust upon the face,
to run, again, shows depth of heart!

(All runners run to win the race
but, those who stumble when they start
may show great dust upon the face
to run, again, show depth of heart.)



Edit:

We do our best and try some more.
Then eighteen thousand points we'll make.
Forever checking on our score.
We're Writing, writing, without a break.

(We do our best and try some more.
Then eighteen thousand points we'll make.
On checking of our score forever
we were writing, writing without a break.)



Edit:

The finish line we run across
with beads of sweat, that stream on face,
We'll know great Vict'ry and no loss
encouraged by The LORD of Grace.

(The finish line we run across
with beads of sweat, that stream on face.
We'll know great victory and no loss
encouraged by the Lord of Grace.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words and have changed place of words, and have corrected a few lines grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well, you have expressed a fair view about an eternal bad boy of contention, though whimsical, but natural and put in somewhat realistic state of expression in appreciation.




How love state and relation change state of living and turn a fair good person to a bad boy is well conveyed in a truthful appreciation of relationship.




I liked and enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and monologue flavour of taletelling and exploratory evaluation of living, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.




The title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem.




But, I do not find the stand of eternal bad boy of contention image is fully explored and expressed, as I find a natural and real stand of a bad boy of contention instead and there is no showing of any experience that could be treated fall of real love, as everything told, said, narrated or expressed ordinarily from the real course of living and nothing special moments shown that could help me to appreciate or understand the theme of the poem is rightly expressed or shown. For example, I quote the following lines of the poem, for appreciation:

Our love did not end
As well as it should
Your precious life
The same
You alone forced me
In such a way
It was a mistake
I warned you
When you left
Such a thing as us




As I find, you have pleaded your stand something more than required and reality, and appreciation has been somewhat unrealistic and beyond reality.




I find in the following lines, you have expressed some contradictory viewpoint about yourself and your feeling and sentiment and appreciation of love, love relationship, and you have failed to prove your clear role and living stand:

I won’t tell
I won’t confess
I’ll just sit back
And think of this
Of us
And our broken love




In the following lines, you have expressed feeling about broken love, as you think, and you have mentioned, you already had a broken love, and you have not mentioned the reason and effect of such stand in your life:

Of us
And our broken love




My favourite lines of the poem:
Love is forever
But what’s greater
Hate is unending
And I
An eternal
Bad boy
Of contention
Cannot forget
I won’t forgive
I survived it




I liked the most these lines of the poem:
That there is
A million miles
Between being suspected
And convicted of a crime




I liked much these lines of the poem:
You alone forced me
In such a way
It was a mistake
I warned you
When you left
Such a thing as us
Would be
Without a question
Inescapable…




Edit:
You alone forced me
In such a way
It was a mistake
I warned you
When you left
Such a thing as us
Would be
Without a question
Inescapable…


(You alone forced me
in such a way.
It was a mistake.
I warned you
when you left
such a thing as us
would be
without a question
inescapable.)




Edit:
An Eternal Bad Boy Of Contention
(An Eternal Bad Boy of Contention)




Edit and comments:
True love is hard, and when it goes bad all types of ideas and feelings come through.
(True love is hard, and when it goes bad all types of bad ideas and feelings come through.)




I do not understand what is true love, and I do not find there is any example or reference or experience given or expressed in the poem as true love; I think love is love and there is no concept of true love, rather it is just a feeling and only an example could make it better for appreciation, and you have not mentioned any example of true love in the poem.




Edit:

My hands
Throttled
In your eyes
Pain and fear
Over what if
Your face
Burdened red
All breath
Contained
Suffocating
While inflated
A hell of a thing
When I’m done
I’ll bury you deep

(My hands
throttled
in your eyes.
Pain and fear
over, what if
your face
burdened red.
All breath
contained
suffocating
while inflated
a hell of a thing
when I’m done
I’ll bury you deep.)





Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Review of tidal pool  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You endeavoured composing a tanka in an extreme metaphorical stand, you express how you feel about your grandparents, as if you have started seeing your grandparents on a ship sailing into rain and you standing ashore are breathing salt spray, and that your grandparents are spraying blessing and you are getting a reflection of cloud on the tidal pool water.




But, I am not sure I have really understood the theme of the poem and the relation you have tried to mean and express in this tanka.




And I find the last line of the poem is not expressive.




The third line is not clear to me, because I fail to understand what exactly you wish to mean and what is the relation or link of this line with the previous two lines.




I enjoyed the relation of Nature and human and human with Nature, as I could understand per my poor intelligence and limited power of reading and appreciation.




Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; I expect and hope a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, easily rememberable, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, I find the title relates to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit and comments:
reflections of cloud –
wind stirring mirror surface
our sole connection
you, ship sailing into rain
I. ashore, breathing salt spray

(Reflections of cloud
wind stirring mirror surface
our sole connection
you, ship sailing into rain.
I, ashore, breathing salt spray. )



The lines are not expressive and not grammatically correct; I could not offer any suggestion for editing more, because of the limitation of composition of a tanka.



Edit:
tidal pool
(Tidal Pool)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

This is a good poem. I find there are a good concept and a nice theme. I liked the endeavour. It is a nice composition in the form Villanelle with 19 lines of five tercets and a quatrain and 2 refrains and 2 repeating rhymes. It is very well crafted.



But, I could not find the theme is versed realistically, the point of view and taletelling is not catchy,


Title of the poem is good, but I think it is not appropriate, not complete and not catchy; I expect a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit and comments:
Ghost hunters rave about these caves,
Through which flows a spammy mist,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.

(Ghost hunters rave about these caves
through which flow a spammy mist
because, in these caves there are gangster graves.)

I find the lines are inexpressive and there is incoherence of thoughts in expression.



Edit:
Three gangsters' ghosts give tourist shock waves,
That cause their hearts and guts to twist,
When ghost hunters rave about these caves.

(Three gangsters' ghosts give tourist shock waves
that cause their hearts and guts to twist
when ghost hunters rave about these caves.)
In these lines, thoughts are incoherent, I do not find symmetry of thoughts – gangsters’ ghosts and shock waves and ghost hunters raving.



Edit:

Miss Nina looks for mobster knaves,
Who want a hooker seeking a tryst,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.

(Miss Nina looks for mobster knaves
who want a hooker seeking a tryst
because in these caves there are gangster graves.)

These lines are not expressive, I could not understand the relevance and link between Miss Nina and her activities and why again the matter of caves comes in.



Edit:
A wraith bartender spam ice shaves,
Then pours wine with his other fist,
While ghost hunters rave about these caves.

(A wraith bartender spam ice shaves
then pours wine with his other fist
while ghost hunters rave about these caves.)



Edit:
Does Nina's corset have whalebone staves,
To keep her ghostly figure slim as her wrist,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.
.
(Does Nina's corset have whalebone staves
to keep her ghostly figure slim as her wrist
because in these caves there are gangster graves.)

Edit:
Who among you gelled ham craves,
Are you braver then other tourist,
When ghost hunters rave about these caves,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.

(Who among you gelled ham craves
are you braver then other tourist
when ghost hunters rave about these caves
because in these caves there are gangster graves.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.




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Review of Enemies of God  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent!


You have composed an exceptional and righteous sonnet.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the Christian faith and philosophy of living, the octave and sestet and particularly clear resolution at the end, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



The title of the poem is appropriate and complete, if not catchy.



Edit and comments:
A Christian poem for the Writer's Cramp due 3-7-18

(Christian poem for the Writer's Cramp is due 3-7-2018.)

It is great to write a poem and call it a Christian poem; I cannot object, because, I know, man is free to express anything, and freedom of expression or right to expression is absolute right to man around the world, but, I think, a poem is like a flower, a poet should be impartial to religion and concept of religious philosophy and religious faith, there is no special or high or glorious religion, as such I think it is not fair or wise to mark a poem as a Christian poem, and poets should not promote specificity of religious concept to show pride and possession to specific faith in specific religion and include the image or stand of religious faith in producing a poem; it is not good if someone write a Muslim poem, a Buddhist poem, a Jain poem, a Christian God poem, a Christian epic, a Christian novel, a Christian short story, etc, I believe, there is nothing like a Christian poem and if it is a condition for writing, it is not fair, and I would not entertain fulfilling such prompt or requirement for a Writer’s Cramp; I write not to dishearten you or hurt you about your faith in Christianity, but I think, it is not a fair practice, it indicates narrowness of mind, thought, expression, because, I think, there is no super or supreme religion or practice of religion, all religions are of same stand and status, because the poem is published in public and the matter is not private any more, people of other religions may feel hurt and avoid reading the poem published in public. It gives me a feeling that you wish to say only Christians are men and only they have different nature of problems in their lives. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not telling that you wish to say or prove Christians are only men and others are not or Christians are only sacred or divine men and others are not or Christians have their God that is different and not the same God as other religious people believe in. I do hope, this will help you understand what is right or wise to express. Though I understand and know I am not the only person to say the last word about this; I have expressed my feeling and opinion after the read.




Edit:
Jesus said we would have enemies in the world
It's a fact of the Christian way of life
The minute the Christian standard comes unfurled
You can depend that there will be strife.

(Jesus said we would have enemies in the world.
It is a fact of the Christian way of life.
The minute the Christian standard comes unfurled.
You can depend there is strife.)




Edit:
Darkness hates the light of the Lord
It does not want it deeds exposed
It will fight tooth, nail, and sword
It believes it is cool and composed.

(Darkness hates the light of the Lord.
It does not want its deeds exposed.
It will fight tooth, nail, and sword.
It believes it is cool and composed.)




Edit:
Sin lurks in shadows and hides its shame
It has no regard for the soul of man
It has much experience at its aim
It will destroy all those it can.

Do not fall victim to the death of sin
Jesus knocks so let Him in.

(Sin lurks in shadows and hides its shame.
It has no regard for the soul of man.
It has much experience at its aim.
It will destroy all those it can.

Do not fall victim to the death of sin.
Jesus knocks so let Him in.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Review of Sick Day  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
It is a great poem. I liked.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the feeling and thoughts of a sick person, the emotion and activities of a sick man, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the question about death and playing as well passing time secretly, the octave and the sestet, the conclusive resolution inclusive of the part of sestet with unexpected experience about other’s feeling about your attitude and sentiment as a sick man passing time at home, the sonnet form of composition, the imagery, the word visuals, the rhymes, and the read.



The title of the poem is good, but I think it is neither appropriate, nor catchy; moreover, the title appears to me gives some other idea and it is partially relative to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. I think, you have expressed the poem more about a sick person and his feelings how to pass time and all and less about a sick day of a sick person.




Edit:
"Oh my," said I "just why am I to die
Oh wow so I must not go out today
I am sick now so may I now please lie
Inside I am to spend my time at play.

("Oh my," said I, just why I am to die.
Oh, wow! So, I must not go out today.
I am sick now, so I may now please lie.
Inside I am to spend my time at play.)




Edit:
No one will know I am about the house
I know I must remain in bed asleep
I plan to stay silent as my small mouse
No sound will I make no, not one small peep.

(No one will know I am about the house
I know I must remain in bed asleep.
I plan to stay silent as my small mouse.
No sound I will make, no, not one small peep.)




Edit:
I sat and had some fun with my card deck
The time was slow to pass but I did well
Some time when I knew not you came to check
You have seen that my time was not to dwell.

(I sat and had some fun with my card deck.
The time was slow to pass but, I did well.
Some time when I knew not, you came to check.
You saw my time was not to dwell.)




Edit:
The cards were my objects to pass time.
Just now I felt you pass close by sublime.

(The cards were my objects to pass time.
Just now I felt you pass by close sublime.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Review of Time flies  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good poem; I liked the simple message you have expressed in a few words.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the theme, the voice of art of living bound by time, the attitude toward living in terms of time, the lesson for happy living, the role of time in living, the nature and management of time for living, the meaning of living, the inspiration for simple living, the positive attitude toward living, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate but I find it is neither complete, nor catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, and or tricky. Though, the title of the poem is metaphorically related to the them and the thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:
Pardon if there are any mistake's, hope you would enjoy reading it. Thank you .
(Pardon, if there is any mistake. Hope, you would enjoy reading it. Thank you.)



Edit:
How time flies with all those cries all these smiles
Everything we did we do is passing by
Forget what you did be thankful that you're alive
Keep your loved ones close right by your side
Worrying or hurrying will make nothing right
If something is hurting you leave it behind
A new year had began but a new month has arrived.


(How time flies with all those cries and all these smiles.
Everything we did, we do is passing by.
Forget what you did; be thankful that you're alive.
Keep your loved ones close, right by your side.
Worrying or hurrying will make nothing right.
If something is hurting you, leave it behind.
A new year began but, a new month has arrived.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, and have corrected a few lines grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.




Keep writing for years!
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Review of A Lost Soul  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
You think you have lost your soul; she has left you without saying a word, but you love her, she is your angel, you ever loved her and will continue to lover her, but she is now a memory; you have clearly expressed your love story.




I liked the poem and enjoyed the story, the minute detail taletelling, the beginning, middle and end of your love story, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the use of alliterations, the lovely dictions, the style of expressions, the rhymes (though some rhymes are not appreciable, rather forced), the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.




Title of the poem is appropriate but I think, as I read, it is not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, easily rememberable, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, I find the title of the poem has relevance to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.




Edit:
Your golden smile always amazes me
Like the sun in the sky, bright and free
I remember those eyes that show only beauty
The way you look at me is sweeter than honey

(Your golden smile always amazes me
like the sun in the sky, bright and free.
I remember those eyes that show only beauty
the way you look at me is sweeter than honey.)




Edit:
I dream that one day I see you walk down the aisle
With your beautiful white dress as long as a mile
I’m your proud man as I keep my head up high
But as you walk close to me I begin to cry

(I dream that one day I see you walk down the aisle
with your beautiful white dress as long as a mile.
I’m your proud man as I keep my head up high.
But, as you walk close to me I begin to cry.)




Edit:

You hold my hands like you’ll never leave me
I hold it back thinking of our love and glee
The words you utter always sound like an angel
They’re music to my ears, I’m evermore grateful

(You hold my hands like you’ll never leave me.
I hold it back thinking of our love and glee.
The words you utter always sound like an angel.
They’re music to my ears, I’m evermore grateful.)




Edit:
You vow you’ll stay by my side until the end of time
Till death do us part, it sounds almost a rhyme
I pray that moment that our feelings are forever true
I love you, and you say you love me too

(You vow you’ll stay by my side until the end of time.
Till death do us part, it sounds almost a rhyme.
I pray that moment that our feelings are forever true.
I love you, and you say you love me too.)




Edit:
Then, more tears slowly touch my cheeks
My heart aches for only you it seeks
I curl up in bed wondering what I do wrong
You leave me without saying a word, so cold like a numb song

(Then, more tears slowly touch my cheeks.
My heart aches for only you it seeks.
I curl up in bed wondering what I do wrong.
You leave me without saying a word, so cold like a numb song.)




Edit:
I wish you told me that you found a better one
I wish you told me that our love was a setting sun
You break me like a used toy
But I can never forget you and our joy

(I wish you told me that you found a better one.
I wish you told me that our love was a setting sun.
You break me like a used toy.
But, I can never forget you and our joy.)




Edit:

I still love you, and I’ve always loved you
Your smile, your eyes, your hands, your voice too
For that voice of an angel is just now a memory
For a lost soul who’s hurt in all eternity

(I still love you, and I’ve always loved you
and your smile, your eyes, your hands, and your voice too.
For that voice of an angel is just now a memory.
For a lost soul who’s hurt in all eternity.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I am happy, I find something new to read, because list poem is not composed by many, and this is my first read of a list poem.



Well, I like this list poem.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and poetry at each line, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



You have simply expressed what you have seen while walking and shared your experience and feelings and how you found the day nicer today.



Title of the poem is appropriate, but, I think it is not complete or catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, the title has relevance to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:
Things I Saw on my Walk
I saw many wonderful things on my walk today.
New living room furniture being delivered that my neighbor Joseph and his new bride Sadie, just bought,
Colorful flowers in the garden Mr. Stone was watering after his last day of his job,
A dove who was bringing a stick to be used in a nest for her young,
The red and blue swing that the Andersons had hung up for their baby,
Two bicycles in the driveway of the young boys who were visiting Connor, who had a broken leg,
And a bright, red car being waxed by Jeremy, the boy who used to mow my yard.


(Things I saw on my walk.)



Edit:
(New living room furniture being delivered that my neighbor Joseph and his new bride Sadie, just bought.)



Edit:

(Colorful flowers in the garden Mr. Stone was watering after his last day of his job.)



Edit:
(A dove was bringing a stick to be used in a nest for her young.)



Edit:
(The red and blue swing the Andersons hung up for their baby.)



Edit:
(Two bicycles in the driveway of the young boys who were visiting Connor who had a broken leg.)



Edit:
(And a bright, red car was being waxed by Jeremy, the boy who used to mow my yard.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some grammatically incorrect words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the list poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this list poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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498
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Review of apocalypse  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent!


You have raised the most wanted point and expressed your rage, and you have severely condemned and commented upon the apocalypse by those narcissistic, lifeless, world leaders.



You condemned all the apocalypses; you state those as utopia.



You say they are nothing but a bunch of zombies following each other around and devouring each other day by day.



But, I fail to understand your clear statement – the world is being run by idiots.



Though you did not want to say this but you have stated that the world is being run by idiots. You wish to mean that you are not an idiot, and you do not say the readers are idiots, because the readers, you and I are not idiots because we are not the founders or promoters or writer of the apocalypses.



Your statement is not appreciable and rather, I find, it is incorrect, because, I think, as per your statement, there may be only about ten or thirteen people of about eight hundred billion people of this world, are idiots, but, you cannot pass such a statement as if all the administrators or the people like them as you wish to mean, are idiots, and nothing happens at passing your such a generalized and typical statement.



History tells us, people from time to time, since the dawn of civilization, have tried to forecast, though I know, man cannot forecast as God only can forecast, and endeavoured or published apocalypses about this universe created by God, and nothing happened as per or according to their apocalypses of forecasts, as the universe runs as per will of God, I believe.



As long as the world remains there, people will come and write apocalypses, but the world will go on as per the wish, will, control of Almighty God.



I enjoyed the read, as I liked the fiction.



You have tried enough to convey the foolish apocalypses people publish from time to time.



You have expressed the fiction well but you have not used any paragraphs and I read the fiction like a run-on sentence, so I could not enjoy the read fully.



Edit:
almost all humans.. end of the world you'd assume. Although those narcissistic, lifeless, world leaders and high society scum some how seemed too not be affected

(almost all humans; end of the world you'd assume. Although those narcissistic, lifeless, world leaders and high society scum somehow seemed too not be affected)



Edit:
well lets just say they are a bunch of zombies

(well, let us just say they are a bunch of zombies)



Title of the fiction is appropriate, if not catchy. I expect a title of a fiction may be in addition, captivating, interest-grabbing, and or rememberable.



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the fiction.



Well done; thank you for sharing this fiction with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Right, you have done a nice personification, bobbing for birthdays, rather in a humorous, comical and dramatic flavour, though in a positive tone instead; I liked the poem.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the order and presentation of personification in taletelling, the planning and movement, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



You have rightly used the prompts in the poem, and I thin, you have met the challenge and qualified the test composing the poem in right perspective and stand.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:
I sway and bob as energy swirls around me.
My face shines,
It’s colours shimmer and dance;
Bright with words
Hailing all to have a Happy Birthday.
Ready for the party,
Fifteen of us are bound together.
Ribbons of satin hang from each of us.
We are linked at a solid bobble
That is wrapped
In silvered birthday regalia.
Anticipation ripples
We bounce with delight
Ready to sing out
A cheer of welcome for all.

(I sway, and bob as energy swirls around me.
My face shines.
Its colours shimmer and dance
bright with words.
Hailing all have a Happy Birthday
ready for the party.
Fifteen of us are bound together.
Ribbons of satin hang from each of us.
We are linked at a solid bobble.
That is wrapped
in silvered birthday regalia.
Anticipation ripples.
We bounce with delight
ready to sing out
a cheer of welcome for all.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, better and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
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Review of MOTHERING SUNDAY  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this poem; you remember your yesterdays, you talk about tradition, now you have to follow and maintain your mothering Sunday, and you will remember almost the same happening as it happened with your granny many years before or yesterdays.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the experience of having mothering Sundays after the loss of your mother at your three, the new tale of your mothering Sunday, the appreciation of Lord, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhymes, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant, correct, if not catchy; I hope a title of a poem may be, in addition, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Add item 2116342 to item 2106808 – I do not understand what do you mean by this, and why it is mentioned here. You may use Author’s Notes or Foot Notes or you may use this at the end of the poem for your personal reference.



Edit:
MOTHERING SUNDAY
(Mothering Sunday)



Edit and comments:
All my yesterdays.
(Poem describes all my yesterdays.)

I think, this is not a sentence; this describes nothing clearly, it is inexpressive, and it is grammatically incorrect, as you have described it as a sentence. I have tried to offer you an example, you are the author, and you know how to express the description better or correctly.



Edit:
It's mothering Sunday
A special day
But what did it mean to me
The Lord took her away when I was three
He gave me a granny to watch over me.
Aunty and I began her day
Roses from the garden displayed on a breakfast tray.
And now today it will be my Mothering Sunday
And the game I will play
My family will arrive at my door
Just as I did with my granny many years before.


(It is mothering Sunday
a special day.
But, what did it mean to me.
The Lord took my mother away when I was three.
He gave me a granny to watch over me.
Aunty and I began her day.
Roses from the garden displayed on a breakfast tray.
And now, today it will be my Mothering Sunday
and the game I will play.
My family will arrive at my door.
Just, as I did with my granny many years before.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, better and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber Author IconMail Icon
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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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