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501
501
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well, you have expressed a fair view about an eternal bad boy of contention, though whimsical, but natural and put in somewhat realistic state of expression in appreciation.




How love state and relation change state of living and turn a fair good person to a bad boy is well conveyed in a truthful appreciation of relationship.




I liked and enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and monologue flavour of taletelling and exploratory evaluation of living, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.




The title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, tricky, and or unforgettable. Interestingly enough, the title relates to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem.




But, I do not find the stand of eternal bad boy of contention image is fully explored and expressed, as I find a natural and real stand of a bad boy of contention instead and there is no showing of any experience that could be treated fall of real love, as everything told, said, narrated or expressed ordinarily from the real course of living and nothing special moments shown that could help me to appreciate or understand the theme of the poem is rightly expressed or shown. For example, I quote the following lines of the poem, for appreciation:

Our love did not end
As well as it should
Your precious life
The same
You alone forced me
In such a way
It was a mistake
I warned you
When you left
Such a thing as us




As I find, you have pleaded your stand something more than required and reality, and appreciation has been somewhat unrealistic and beyond reality.




I find in the following lines, you have expressed some contradictory viewpoint about yourself and your feeling and sentiment and appreciation of love, love relationship, and you have failed to prove your clear role and living stand:

I won’t tell
I won’t confess
I’ll just sit back
And think of this
Of us
And our broken love




In the following lines, you have expressed feeling about broken love, as you think, and you have mentioned, you already had a broken love, and you have not mentioned the reason and effect of such stand in your life:

Of us
And our broken love




My favourite lines of the poem:
Love is forever
But what’s greater
Hate is unending
And I
An eternal
Bad boy
Of contention
Cannot forget
I won’t forgive
I survived it




I liked the most these lines of the poem:
That there is
A million miles
Between being suspected
And convicted of a crime




I liked much these lines of the poem:
You alone forced me
In such a way
It was a mistake
I warned you
When you left
Such a thing as us
Would be
Without a question
Inescapable…




Edit:
You alone forced me
In such a way
It was a mistake
I warned you
When you left
Such a thing as us
Would be
Without a question
Inescapable…


(You alone forced me
in such a way.
It was a mistake.
I warned you
when you left
such a thing as us
would be
without a question
inescapable.)




Edit:
An Eternal Bad Boy Of Contention
(An Eternal Bad Boy of Contention)




Edit and comments:
True love is hard, and when it goes bad all types of ideas and feelings come through.
(True love is hard, and when it goes bad all types of bad ideas and feelings come through.)




I do not understand what is true love, and I do not find there is any example or reference or experience given or expressed in the poem as true love; I think love is love and there is no concept of true love, rather it is just a feeling and only an example could make it better for appreciation, and you have not mentioned any example of true love in the poem.




Edit:

My hands
Throttled
In your eyes
Pain and fear
Over what if
Your face
Burdened red
All breath
Contained
Suffocating
While inflated
A hell of a thing
When I’m done
I’ll bury you deep

(My hands
throttled
in your eyes.
Pain and fear
over, what if
your face
burdened red.
All breath
contained
suffocating
while inflated
a hell of a thing
when I’m done
I’ll bury you deep.)





Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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502
502
Review of tidal pool  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You endeavoured composing a tanka in an extreme metaphorical stand, you express how you feel about your grandparents, as if you have started seeing your grandparents on a ship sailing into rain and you standing ashore are breathing salt spray, and that your grandparents are spraying blessing and you are getting a reflection of cloud on the tidal pool water.




But, I am not sure I have really understood the theme of the poem and the relation you have tried to mean and express in this tanka.




And I find the last line of the poem is not expressive.




The third line is not clear to me, because I fail to understand what exactly you wish to mean and what is the relation or link of this line with the previous two lines.




I enjoyed the relation of Nature and human and human with Nature, as I could understand per my poor intelligence and limited power of reading and appreciation.




Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; I expect and hope a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, easily rememberable, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, I find the title relates to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit and comments:
reflections of cloud –
wind stirring mirror surface
our sole connection
you, ship sailing into rain
I. ashore, breathing salt spray

(Reflections of cloud
wind stirring mirror surface
our sole connection
you, ship sailing into rain.
I, ashore, breathing salt spray. )



The lines are not expressive and not grammatically correct; I could not offer any suggestion for editing more, because of the limitation of composition of a tanka.



Edit:
tidal pool
(Tidal Pool)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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503
503
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

This is a good poem. I find there are a good concept and a nice theme. I liked the endeavour. It is a nice composition in the form Villanelle with 19 lines of five tercets and a quatrain and 2 refrains and 2 repeating rhymes. It is very well crafted.



But, I could not find the theme is versed realistically, the point of view and taletelling is not catchy,


Title of the poem is good, but I think it is not appropriate, not complete and not catchy; I expect a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, the title relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.


Edit and comments:
Ghost hunters rave about these caves,
Through which flows a spammy mist,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.

(Ghost hunters rave about these caves
through which flow a spammy mist
because, in these caves there are gangster graves.)

I find the lines are inexpressive and there is incoherence of thoughts in expression.



Edit:
Three gangsters' ghosts give tourist shock waves,
That cause their hearts and guts to twist,
When ghost hunters rave about these caves.

(Three gangsters' ghosts give tourist shock waves
that cause their hearts and guts to twist
when ghost hunters rave about these caves.)
In these lines, thoughts are incoherent, I do not find symmetry of thoughts – gangsters’ ghosts and shock waves and ghost hunters raving.



Edit:

Miss Nina looks for mobster knaves,
Who want a hooker seeking a tryst,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.

(Miss Nina looks for mobster knaves
who want a hooker seeking a tryst
because in these caves there are gangster graves.)

These lines are not expressive, I could not understand the relevance and link between Miss Nina and her activities and why again the matter of caves comes in.



Edit:
A wraith bartender spam ice shaves,
Then pours wine with his other fist,
While ghost hunters rave about these caves.

(A wraith bartender spam ice shaves
then pours wine with his other fist
while ghost hunters rave about these caves.)



Edit:
Does Nina's corset have whalebone staves,
To keep her ghostly figure slim as her wrist,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.
.
(Does Nina's corset have whalebone staves
to keep her ghostly figure slim as her wrist
because in these caves there are gangster graves.)

Edit:
Who among you gelled ham craves,
Are you braver then other tourist,
When ghost hunters rave about these caves,
Because in these caves are gangster graves.

(Who among you gelled ham craves
are you braver then other tourist
when ghost hunters rave about these caves
because in these caves there are gangster graves.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.




Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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504
504
Review of Enemies of God  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent!


You have composed an exceptional and righteous sonnet.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the Christian faith and philosophy of living, the octave and sestet and particularly clear resolution at the end, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



The title of the poem is appropriate and complete, if not catchy.



Edit and comments:
A Christian poem for the Writer's Cramp due 3-7-18

(Christian poem for the Writer's Cramp is due 3-7-2018.)

It is great to write a poem and call it a Christian poem; I cannot object, because, I know, man is free to express anything, and freedom of expression or right to expression is absolute right to man around the world, but, I think, a poem is like a flower, a poet should be impartial to religion and concept of religious philosophy and religious faith, there is no special or high or glorious religion, as such I think it is not fair or wise to mark a poem as a Christian poem, and poets should not promote specificity of religious concept to show pride and possession to specific faith in specific religion and include the image or stand of religious faith in producing a poem; it is not good if someone write a Muslim poem, a Buddhist poem, a Jain poem, a Christian God poem, a Christian epic, a Christian novel, a Christian short story, etc, I believe, there is nothing like a Christian poem and if it is a condition for writing, it is not fair, and I would not entertain fulfilling such prompt or requirement for a Writer’s Cramp; I write not to dishearten you or hurt you about your faith in Christianity, but I think, it is not a fair practice, it indicates narrowness of mind, thought, expression, because, I think, there is no super or supreme religion or practice of religion, all religions are of same stand and status, because the poem is published in public and the matter is not private any more, people of other religions may feel hurt and avoid reading the poem published in public. It gives me a feeling that you wish to say only Christians are men and only they have different nature of problems in their lives. Please do not misunderstand me, I am not telling that you wish to say or prove Christians are only men and others are not or Christians are only sacred or divine men and others are not or Christians have their God that is different and not the same God as other religious people believe in. I do hope, this will help you understand what is right or wise to express. Though I understand and know I am not the only person to say the last word about this; I have expressed my feeling and opinion after the read.




Edit:
Jesus said we would have enemies in the world
It's a fact of the Christian way of life
The minute the Christian standard comes unfurled
You can depend that there will be strife.

(Jesus said we would have enemies in the world.
It is a fact of the Christian way of life.
The minute the Christian standard comes unfurled.
You can depend there is strife.)




Edit:
Darkness hates the light of the Lord
It does not want it deeds exposed
It will fight tooth, nail, and sword
It believes it is cool and composed.

(Darkness hates the light of the Lord.
It does not want its deeds exposed.
It will fight tooth, nail, and sword.
It believes it is cool and composed.)




Edit:
Sin lurks in shadows and hides its shame
It has no regard for the soul of man
It has much experience at its aim
It will destroy all those it can.

Do not fall victim to the death of sin
Jesus knocks so let Him in.

(Sin lurks in shadows and hides its shame.
It has no regard for the soul of man.
It has much experience at its aim.
It will destroy all those it can.

Do not fall victim to the death of sin.
Jesus knocks so let Him in.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
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505
505
Review of Sick Day  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It is a great poem. I liked.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the feeling and thoughts of a sick person, the emotion and activities of a sick man, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the question about death and playing as well passing time secretly, the octave and the sestet, the conclusive resolution inclusive of the part of sestet with unexpected experience about other’s feeling about your attitude and sentiment as a sick man passing time at home, the sonnet form of composition, the imagery, the word visuals, the rhymes, and the read.



The title of the poem is good, but I think it is neither appropriate, nor catchy; moreover, the title appears to me gives some other idea and it is partially relative to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem. I think, you have expressed the poem more about a sick person and his feelings how to pass time and all and less about a sick day of a sick person.




Edit:
"Oh my," said I "just why am I to die
Oh wow so I must not go out today
I am sick now so may I now please lie
Inside I am to spend my time at play.

("Oh my," said I, just why I am to die.
Oh, wow! So, I must not go out today.
I am sick now, so I may now please lie.
Inside I am to spend my time at play.)




Edit:
No one will know I am about the house
I know I must remain in bed asleep
I plan to stay silent as my small mouse
No sound will I make no, not one small peep.

(No one will know I am about the house
I know I must remain in bed asleep.
I plan to stay silent as my small mouse.
No sound I will make, no, not one small peep.)




Edit:
I sat and had some fun with my card deck
The time was slow to pass but I did well
Some time when I knew not you came to check
You have seen that my time was not to dwell.

(I sat and had some fun with my card deck.
The time was slow to pass but, I did well.
Some time when I knew not, you came to check.
You saw my time was not to dwell.)




Edit:
The cards were my objects to pass time.
Just now I felt you pass close by sublime.

(The cards were my objects to pass time.
Just now I felt you pass by close sublime.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




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506
506
Review of Time flies  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good poem; I liked the simple message you have expressed in a few words.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the theme, the voice of art of living bound by time, the attitude toward living in terms of time, the lesson for happy living, the role of time in living, the nature and management of time for living, the meaning of living, the inspiration for simple living, the positive attitude toward living, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate but I find it is neither complete, nor catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, and or tricky. Though, the title of the poem is metaphorically related to the them and the thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:
Pardon if there are any mistake's, hope you would enjoy reading it. Thank you .
(Pardon, if there is any mistake. Hope, you would enjoy reading it. Thank you.)



Edit:
How time flies with all those cries all these smiles
Everything we did we do is passing by
Forget what you did be thankful that you're alive
Keep your loved ones close right by your side
Worrying or hurrying will make nothing right
If something is hurting you leave it behind
A new year had began but a new month has arrived.


(How time flies with all those cries and all these smiles.
Everything we did, we do is passing by.
Forget what you did; be thankful that you're alive.
Keep your loved ones close, right by your side.
Worrying or hurrying will make nothing right.
If something is hurting you, leave it behind.
A new year began but, a new month has arrived.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, and have corrected a few lines grammatically, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.




Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
507
507
Review of A Lost Soul  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You think you have lost your soul; she has left you without saying a word, but you love her, she is your angel, you ever loved her and will continue to lover her, but she is now a memory; you have clearly expressed your love story.




I liked the poem and enjoyed the story, the minute detail taletelling, the beginning, middle and end of your love story, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the use of alliterations, the lovely dictions, the style of expressions, the rhymes (though some rhymes are not appreciable, rather forced), the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.




Title of the poem is appropriate but I think, as I read, it is not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, easily rememberable, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, I find the title of the poem has relevance to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem.




Edit:
Your golden smile always amazes me
Like the sun in the sky, bright and free
I remember those eyes that show only beauty
The way you look at me is sweeter than honey

(Your golden smile always amazes me
like the sun in the sky, bright and free.
I remember those eyes that show only beauty
the way you look at me is sweeter than honey.)




Edit:
I dream that one day I see you walk down the aisle
With your beautiful white dress as long as a mile
I’m your proud man as I keep my head up high
But as you walk close to me I begin to cry

(I dream that one day I see you walk down the aisle
with your beautiful white dress as long as a mile.
I’m your proud man as I keep my head up high.
But, as you walk close to me I begin to cry.)




Edit:

You hold my hands like you’ll never leave me
I hold it back thinking of our love and glee
The words you utter always sound like an angel
They’re music to my ears, I’m evermore grateful

(You hold my hands like you’ll never leave me.
I hold it back thinking of our love and glee.
The words you utter always sound like an angel.
They’re music to my ears, I’m evermore grateful.)




Edit:
You vow you’ll stay by my side until the end of time
Till death do us part, it sounds almost a rhyme
I pray that moment that our feelings are forever true
I love you, and you say you love me too

(You vow you’ll stay by my side until the end of time.
Till death do us part, it sounds almost a rhyme.
I pray that moment that our feelings are forever true.
I love you, and you say you love me too.)




Edit:
Then, more tears slowly touch my cheeks
My heart aches for only you it seeks
I curl up in bed wondering what I do wrong
You leave me without saying a word, so cold like a numb song

(Then, more tears slowly touch my cheeks.
My heart aches for only you it seeks.
I curl up in bed wondering what I do wrong.
You leave me without saying a word, so cold like a numb song.)




Edit:
I wish you told me that you found a better one
I wish you told me that our love was a setting sun
You break me like a used toy
But I can never forget you and our joy

(I wish you told me that you found a better one.
I wish you told me that our love was a setting sun.
You break me like a used toy.
But, I can never forget you and our joy.)




Edit:

I still love you, and I’ve always loved you
Your smile, your eyes, your hands, your voice too
For that voice of an angel is just now a memory
For a lost soul who’s hurt in all eternity

(I still love you, and I’ve always loved you
and your smile, your eyes, your hands, and your voice too.
For that voice of an angel is just now a memory.
For a lost soul who’s hurt in all eternity.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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508
508
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am happy, I find something new to read, because list poem is not composed by many, and this is my first read of a list poem.



Well, I like this list poem.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and poetry at each line, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



You have simply expressed what you have seen while walking and shared your experience and feelings and how you found the day nicer today.



Title of the poem is appropriate, but, I think it is not complete or catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. Though, the title has relevance to the theme and thematic appreciation of the poem.



Edit:
Things I Saw on my Walk
I saw many wonderful things on my walk today.
New living room furniture being delivered that my neighbor Joseph and his new bride Sadie, just bought,
Colorful flowers in the garden Mr. Stone was watering after his last day of his job,
A dove who was bringing a stick to be used in a nest for her young,
The red and blue swing that the Andersons had hung up for their baby,
Two bicycles in the driveway of the young boys who were visiting Connor, who had a broken leg,
And a bright, red car being waxed by Jeremy, the boy who used to mow my yard.


(Things I saw on my walk.)



Edit:
(New living room furniture being delivered that my neighbor Joseph and his new bride Sadie, just bought.)



Edit:

(Colorful flowers in the garden Mr. Stone was watering after his last day of his job.)



Edit:
(A dove was bringing a stick to be used in a nest for her young.)



Edit:
(The red and blue swing the Andersons hung up for their baby.)



Edit:
(Two bicycles in the driveway of the young boys who were visiting Connor who had a broken leg.)



Edit:
(And a bright, red car was being waxed by Jeremy, the boy who used to mow my yard.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some grammatically incorrect words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the list poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this list poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
509
509
Review of apocalypse  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent!


You have raised the most wanted point and expressed your rage, and you have severely condemned and commented upon the apocalypse by those narcissistic, lifeless, world leaders.



You condemned all the apocalypses; you state those as utopia.



You say they are nothing but a bunch of zombies following each other around and devouring each other day by day.



But, I fail to understand your clear statement – the world is being run by idiots.



Though you did not want to say this but you have stated that the world is being run by idiots. You wish to mean that you are not an idiot, and you do not say the readers are idiots, because the readers, you and I are not idiots because we are not the founders or promoters or writer of the apocalypses.



Your statement is not appreciable and rather, I find, it is incorrect, because, I think, as per your statement, there may be only about ten or thirteen people of about eight hundred billion people of this world, are idiots, but, you cannot pass such a statement as if all the administrators or the people like them as you wish to mean, are idiots, and nothing happens at passing your such a generalized and typical statement.



History tells us, people from time to time, since the dawn of civilization, have tried to forecast, though I know, man cannot forecast as God only can forecast, and endeavoured or published apocalypses about this universe created by God, and nothing happened as per or according to their apocalypses of forecasts, as the universe runs as per will of God, I believe.



As long as the world remains there, people will come and write apocalypses, but the world will go on as per the wish, will, control of Almighty God.



I enjoyed the read, as I liked the fiction.



You have tried enough to convey the foolish apocalypses people publish from time to time.



You have expressed the fiction well but you have not used any paragraphs and I read the fiction like a run-on sentence, so I could not enjoy the read fully.



Edit:
almost all humans.. end of the world you'd assume. Although those narcissistic, lifeless, world leaders and high society scum some how seemed too not be affected

(almost all humans; end of the world you'd assume. Although those narcissistic, lifeless, world leaders and high society scum somehow seemed too not be affected)



Edit:
well lets just say they are a bunch of zombies

(well, let us just say they are a bunch of zombies)



Title of the fiction is appropriate, if not catchy. I expect a title of a fiction may be in addition, captivating, interest-grabbing, and or rememberable.



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, and expressive read of the fiction.



Well done; thank you for sharing this fiction with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
510
510
Review of Destination  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a nice poem, composed well in the special form Lanturne.



I enjoyed the story, taletelling, the message, and the philosophy of life, the theme, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, but it is not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:
Life
gives way
to its last
destination,
death.

(Life
gives way
to its last
destination
death.)



Please check, I have humbly offered a suggestion as edit, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




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511
511
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Right, you have done a nice personification, bobbing for birthdays, rather in a humorous, comical and dramatic flavour, though in a positive tone instead; I liked the poem.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the order and presentation of personification in taletelling, the planning and movement, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



You have rightly used the prompts in the poem, and I thin, you have met the challenge and qualified the test composing the poem in right perspective and stand.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:
I sway and bob as energy swirls around me.
My face shines,
It’s colours shimmer and dance;
Bright with words
Hailing all to have a Happy Birthday.
Ready for the party,
Fifteen of us are bound together.
Ribbons of satin hang from each of us.
We are linked at a solid bobble
That is wrapped
In silvered birthday regalia.
Anticipation ripples
We bounce with delight
Ready to sing out
A cheer of welcome for all.

(I sway, and bob as energy swirls around me.
My face shines.
Its colours shimmer and dance
bright with words.
Hailing all have a Happy Birthday
ready for the party.
Fifteen of us are bound together.
Ribbons of satin hang from each of us.
We are linked at a solid bobble.
That is wrapped
in silvered birthday regalia.
Anticipation ripples.
We bounce with delight
ready to sing out
a cheer of welcome for all.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, better and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
512
512
Review of MOTHERING SUNDAY  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this poem; you remember your yesterdays, you talk about tradition, now you have to follow and maintain your mothering Sunday, and you will remember almost the same happening as it happened with your granny many years before or yesterdays.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the monologue flavour of taletelling, the experience of having mothering Sundays after the loss of your mother at your three, the new tale of your mothering Sunday, the appreciation of Lord, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhymes, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant, correct, if not catchy; I hope a title of a poem may be, in addition, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Add item 2116342 to item 2106808 – I do not understand what do you mean by this, and why it is mentioned here. You may use Author’s Notes or Foot Notes or you may use this at the end of the poem for your personal reference.



Edit:
MOTHERING SUNDAY
(Mothering Sunday)



Edit and comments:
All my yesterdays.
(Poem describes all my yesterdays.)

I think, this is not a sentence; this describes nothing clearly, it is inexpressive, and it is grammatically incorrect, as you have described it as a sentence. I have tried to offer you an example, you are the author, and you know how to express the description better or correctly.



Edit:
It's mothering Sunday
A special day
But what did it mean to me
The Lord took her away when I was three
He gave me a granny to watch over me.
Aunty and I began her day
Roses from the garden displayed on a breakfast tray.
And now today it will be my Mothering Sunday
And the game I will play
My family will arrive at my door
Just as I did with my granny many years before.


(It is mothering Sunday
a special day.
But, what did it mean to me.
The Lord took my mother away when I was three.
He gave me a granny to watch over me.
Aunty and I began her day.
Roses from the garden displayed on a breakfast tray.
And now, today it will be my Mothering Sunday
and the game I will play.
My family will arrive at my door.
Just, as I did with my granny many years before.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, better and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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513
513
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this poem; you have spoken about loss of your love upon misunderstanding. I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, and the monologue flavour of taletelling, the free flow of thoughts, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.




Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy. I hope a title of a poem may be, in addition, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky and or unforgettable.




Edit and comments:
A small piece personal of sorrow.
(Poem describes sad happening.)

Or,

(Poem describes personal sorrow.)



It is good that you think and describe the poem as a small piece, but, it is inexpressive and grammatically incorrect to express, as this is not a sentence, so the description about the poem is inexact; moreover, I think, there is nothing like ‘a small piece’, as this is not a correct expression, this creates a confusion. Besides, there is nothing like small piece, or small work, or small poem, or small poetry and we should avoid writing like this.




Edit:
There's something sad happening
(There's Something Sad Happening)




Edit:
There's something sad happening.
In the smiles, you used to give.
The laughter we used to share.
You say that everything is okay,
But I know better,
We were partners, remember?

(There is something sad happening.
In the smiles, you used to give.
The laughter we used to share.
You say everything is okay.
But, I know better.
We were partners, remember.)



Edit:
I gave my all to you honey,
Is it her?
The one you said that I shouldn't be jealous of,
The one that was my friend.

(I gave my all to you, honey,
Is it she?
The one you said I shouldn't be jealous of.
The one was my friend.)



Edit

That smile I said before,
I can see it when you talk to her.
I'm not oblivious to the way you look at each other.
You say that you'll never let me go,
But you're already doing this.

(That smile I said before.
I can see it when you talk to her.
I'm not oblivious to the way you look at each other.
You say that you'll never let me go.
But, you're already doing this.)



Edit:
I'm lost.
I lost.
The one I loved the most,
you.

(I'm lost.
I lost.
The one I loved the most, you.)

Or,

(You, the one I loved the most.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, better and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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514
514
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have stated your state, you are now in a dilemma, precarious is your state, you have lost your memory, you are not sure if you can find your way home; after so many years of living together, now lover has left you, you never know how to get your life back on track; so you think you have lost everything.



I liked the poem expresses the state of affairs simply and freely.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the free and flair flow of thoughts, the rhymes, the rhythms in taletelling, and the monologue flavour of taletelling, the theme, the concept, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant, correct, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem maybe, in addition, complete, attractive, captivating, polished, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west,
Another day is over, it’s finally time to rest.
It’s not been easy with you gone from my life,
Thought I had it all, but this cut me like a knife.


(The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
Another day is over; it’s finally time to rest.
It has not been easy with you have gone from my life.
Thought I had it all; but, this cut me like a knife.)


Edit:


One day things were normal, a perfect fit after all,
The next things have changed, my back’s against a wall.
Torn asunder by forces that couldn’t be measured,
Everything was gone, even those we treasured.

(One day things were normal; a perfect fit after all.
The next things have changed; my back is against a wall.
Torn asunder by forces; it couldn’t be measured.
Everything was gone; even those that we treasured.)


Edit:

To make matters worse, you were taken from me,
I swear someone laughed and chuckled with glee
Leave me you did, I have to handle all this,
I think you really thought, you wouldn’t be missed.

To make matters worse, you were taken from me.
I swear someone laughed and chuckled with glee.
Leave me you did, I have to handle all this.
I think you thought you wouldn’t be missed.)


Edit:

Now I sit here alone with my thoughts and tears,
After all, we were together for so many years.
Whatever shall I do, you’re gone, not coming back,
How will I manage to get my life back on track.

(Now I sit here alone with my thoughts and tears.
After all, we were together for many years.
Whatever shall I do, you’re gone, not coming back.
How I will manage to get my life back on track.)


Edit:

It’s not often that this happens, one left so alone,
I’m not even sure if I can find my way home.
I fear for myself, I may be in jeopardy,
Going out of my mind since I lost my memory.

(It’s not often that this happens, one left so alone.
I’m not sure if I can find my way home.
I fear for myself, I may be in jeopardy.
Going out of my mind; I think I lost my memory.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words. as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother, better and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.



Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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515
515
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, this poem speaks a lot in dimensions about your feeling as a writer and as a builder of words; I appreciate that you have truly tried to express your ideas about yourself as a writer and how people keep their attitude toward your writing and expression and think about you as a writer.



I enjoyed the ideas, the story, the taletelling, the imagery, the word visuals and the read.



Your philosophic, courageous, confident and poetic approach to living, expression of your activities and feelings about your living and activities I appreciate.



Daring, complex, metaphorical and abstract viewpoint about life, living, and your activities are common in your works.



You have explained yourself in an abstract order of appreciation of your viewpoint and attitude toward living.



You have tried to explore yourself, express yourself and experimentally highlighted yourself in term and appreciation of living activities and yourself as a writer.



I liked most these lines of the poem, as I think, I find to get an abstract idea about you as a writer or teller or writer of words, you have expressed about yourself somewhat rightly:

That I consider myself
Feeling as if
That I’m always building
More than I am
Somehow dismantling…



My favourite lines of the poem, where I find, action, activities, feelings that help you appreciate you a writer and how people do think about you in appreciation:

Understanding
Not required
Brilliance inspired
Shapes
Figures
Perilous intersections
And interactions
Crossing mind
Interrupting matter
Living like a stranger



I find the lines of the poem are most expressive in terms of the objective and theme of the poem:
Number 2
Pencil true
No ruler
No rules
Creating art
Form and function



Title of the poem is good and correct, but I do not think it is appropriate, significant and catchy; rather, the title is abstract and metaphorical, though it relates to the theme and the thematic appreciation of the poem and I think, it is not incorrect in term of the objective of the poem. I expect a title of a poem maybe, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, catchy, easily rememberable, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




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516
516
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rightly stated, you have expressed a slice of life, a partial viewpoint about people and their behaviour, I would like to say, you have pointed out how some strangers come to your life and behave badly with you, poking and interfering in your good state of living; obviously, there are some people who by nature break your heart and act mercilessly with you, indeed, they are pessimistic people and they feel pride and get joy by causing harm to you and disturb your peaceful living.



I liked the thoughts, enjoyed the story, the taletelling, nature of people, attitude of some people, flow of thoughts, the rhymes, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



But, I think, you cannot generalize all people do the same or act or behave likewise, rather, it is foolishness of some people who allow or invite their own sorrows and suffering and get breaking up of their good relations by some opportunist people.



It is true if you do not know real or meaningful course of living, you will have people who will break up relations and will harm and give you cause of suffering in living.



Truly speaking, all are not bad, harmful or weird people, there are some, if we are not intelligent, we invite other people to harass and make us a victim of suffering and disturbance in living, and we should know how to live safe, sound, naturally, free, meaningful and realistic. Because, it is true, life means struggling and living is not easy, at any level, or at any point, or at any course of living, anyone can cause harm to us and disturb our peace. As we ourselves are responsible for inviting our own miseries, sorrows, sufferings or losses, if we live cautiously, conscientiously, naturally, and intelligently, we can avoid exploitation, victimization by other people.



Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky and or unforgettable.



Edit and comments:
People are weird or maybe it's me

I seen them fear or maybe it's just me

At first they're dear then will make you tear

They'll come so near and then they'll shear

Strange creatures will burn your heart and make it sear

Will say the words like you can't hear

Break your heart it's hard to bear they have no mercey

So please take care I wonder if this is real or maybe it's just me...


(People are weird or maybe it's me.
I seen them fear or maybe it's just me
At first they're dear, then will make you tear.
They'll come so near, and then they'll shear.
Strange creatures will burn your heart, and make it sear.
Will say the words like you can't hear.
Break your heart, it's hard to bear, they have no mercy.
So, please take care, I wonder if this is real or maybe it's just me.)



The second line of the poem is not expressive, because the phrase ‘I seen them fear’ is not clear to me, and it is not grammatically correct.



Edit:
Maybe it's just me
(Maybe It's Just Me)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions and have changed words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.




Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



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517
517
Review of Melancholy Haiku  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this Haiku, I mean, the melancholy Haiku, I enjoyed the scene, the portrayal of imagery and the projection of visuals in word, Nature and human relation relates to expose the melancholy thought at the environment, because there is early advent of winter, actually, you find Spring has not yet come but there is snow, and you do not like, rather you find fall of leaves begins on white snow, the melancholy message you find in Nature.



Title of the poem is good but it is neither appropriate, nor catchy, I think. I hope and expect a title of a poem maybe, in addition, appealing, attention-drawing, attractive, captivating, catchy, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable. I find, as I read, the title is thematic, structural and nature of the poem.



I do not get expressiveness about haunting of death in the poem. Because neither the imagery nor the word visuals give me any picture, idea, concept or message of death or haunting of death clearly, only there is a portrayal of theme about message of loss of lives as the red petals are already falling on white snow, I think, clarity is missing in the words.



Edit:
Spring has not yet come;

But red petals are already,

Falling on white snow.

(Spring has not yet come
but, red petals are already
falling on white snow.)



Edit:
...a simple poem haunted by death.
(A poem haunted by death.)

Or,

(A poem about haunted by death.)



I think, there is no need of describing it a simple poem, for it has no clear meaning, I find, it is a poem, rightly, I think.



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions and have changed words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
518
518
Review of the sky  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked these two lines, I enjoyed good visuals you have projected in words, clouds are symbols of life in movement, they sat and spoke to one another with the beginning of the day, and the little birds get inspired to start living after admiring the clouds above their heads as the day begins.



I enjoyed the message that you should begin the day positively, after a thought for the day, and being inspired, upon remembering, praying and or appreciating someone you wish to admire and get inspiration for living.



Title of the poem is appropriate but not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:
the clouds spoke to one another as they sat in the sky.
(The clouds spoke to one another as they sat in the sky.)



Edit:
the sky
(The Sky)


Edit:
from jeannine Kahzarian
(Poem from jeannine Kahzarian)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions and changed a word, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
519
519
Review of Warrior's Pride  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have composed the poem confidently and intelligently. I liked the poem, a poem of warrior’s pride.



I have enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the message, the concept, the theme, the positive attitudes of a warrior, the meaning and purpose of living to a warrior, the free and flair flow of thoughts, sound rhymes, the rhythms in exploration of thoughts, the moral aspect of a warrior, the humanitarian point of view of a warrior, the stand of responsibilities and commitments of a warrior, the social stand of a warrior, worth, value and essence of a warrior in a nation, the roles and characteristics of a warrior, the passion and manifestation of a warrior, the love and expectation of a warrior, the pride factor of a warrior, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant and correct, if not catchy; I expect a title of a poem, may be in addition, captivating, catchy, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:
A warrior he has pride.
He keeps a perfect stride.
His head thrown back,
he never lacks
the courage to reside.

(A warrior, he has pride.
He keeps a perfect stride.
His head thrown back
but, he never lacks
the courage to reside.)



Edit:
He stands tall and never cowers.
He marches forth with all his powers.
He wins two purple hearts
and the silver star,
he's a real humanitarian thus far,
saving countless lives,
never minding that he could die.

(He stands tall and never cowers.
He marches forth with all his powers.
He wins two purple hearts
and the silver star
as he's a real humanitarian thus far
saving countless lives
never minding he could die.)



Edit:
A warrior he has pride,
and I'm glad he's on my side.
He's strong in might
and doesn't fear the night.
He has a love of war
and needs little more.
(A warrior, he has pride
and I'm glad he's on my side.
He's strong in might
and doesn't fear the night.
He has a love of war
and needs a little more.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and have changed some words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and more expressive read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
520
520
Review of Cleave poem  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Marvellous!


A great poet you are! You have done, shown and proved your wisdom.



I liked the poem, as I appreciate how innovatively you have depicted your power in composition of a poem, you have exemplified the making and using a cleave poem. Well, I understand and find you have done really three poems, within the spirit and essence of the type or form of the poem.



You not only maintained the structural form, nature and characteristic of the needed work, but you have performed the job in full terms and complete range of expression.



Again, vertically and horizontally the work is fairly structured and given a finishing touch.



I enjoyed the story, the taletelling, the contrasting viewpoints, the philosophy of living, the realistic point of view of living, the word visuals, the imagery, flow of thoughts, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate and significant, if not catchy; no problem, I find the title is thematic and subjective as well; but, I expect a title of a poem maybe, in addition, attractive, captivating, tricky and or unforgettable. And I understand how hard it is to make a catchy title, particularly in a thematic poem.



Edit:
In the midst of birth we are dying,
from the moment we first breathe yet until the last gasps
the possibles of life fester the desire:
we are dying to do the impossible.

(In the midst of birth, we are dying
from the moment we first breathe, yet, until the last gasps
the possibles of life, fester the desire
we are dying, to do the impossible.)



Edit:
Cleave poem
(Cleave Poem)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions as edits, though, I think, the use of the commas are not absolute or essential, in the brackets, as above, for smoother and more meaningful read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
521
521
Review of Love's Immorality  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
In this poem, as I like, you have tried to express an interesting and generalized point of view about love and you have tried to convey nature and status of love as you appreciate that love is got a way of working through the dirt of morals that do not exist; but, I do not understand, how you say there is no morals in man, and I think, morality is the basis of love relationship; again, you speak about nature and stand of love and you say when there is no brain, there is no chance of judging what love is moral, because there is no chance of judging love’s immortality in absence of right brain cells.



Therefore, I understand, you say stand of love’s immortality lies in feeling, if I am not thinking wrong, and appreciation in lovers and in their relationship in appreciation of love, and it is a personal perception, and morality is question in keeping or maintaining love relationship, that is, in other words, to say, love’s immortality is based on conception of love stand upon morality, and after death, there is no feeling about morality or immortality of love or love relation, when people would determine the stand of love’s immorality in your love relation.



I have enjoyed the point of view and generalizations about love, and the read.



Anyway, I do not understand what you have expressed about atypical romances, and it is not clear to me, how you have expressed the stand of atypical romances.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant and correct, if not catchy; I hope and expect a title of a poem may be, in addition, attractive, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky and or unforgettable.



Edit:
Interesting
how love's got a way of working
through the dirt of man's morals that do not exist,
and when our brain cells turn to sand, we're rendered unable to judge
what love is moral.

(Interesting
how love gets a way of working
through the dirt of man's morals that do not exist
and when our brain cells turn to sand, we're rendered unable to judge
what love is moral.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions, and changed words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.



Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
522
522
Review of sunny Days  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I do appreciate your endeavour. You have a nice thought. It is a good concept to share. Positive approach toward sunny days you have shown. You have tried to compose a poem on about sunny days. You hope for sunny days in your life and you think sunny days will continue in your life. I like your thoughts and concept.



Today is one of those days that the world can be a part of this life. Ever it shall continue.



But, I do not really, clearly and in full terms do not understand the relevance of your expression, for what is the relevance of these words – ever it shall continue, to the previous sentence - ‘today is one of those days that the world can be a part of this life,’ I do not understand how a sunny day like today will continue in the future and there would be no change in sunny days in the future, and I fail to understand and appreciate what makes you to hope for sunny days to continue in your future days of life, because, you have already mentioned, in the first sentence, that today or the sunny day that the world can be a part of your life, as I do not understand how your life would have only sunny days, and I do not find any worth of keeping a hope for such, because it is not realistic, when everything is changeable, time is changeable, days are changeable, and obviously, a sunny day will change; I could only appreciate your positive thought and hope for making a positive thought like this but it is nothing but an unrealistic hope.



I think, either you have failed to express yourself clearly, candidly, correctly or completely or your words are not appropriate or rightly expressed, I expect, if you have any other explanation, you may explain, and in that case, again, I know, you will make a mistake of misinterpretation of yourself, because, you cannot even misinterpret yourself, truth is truth and everyone understands.



I find, as I read your poem, I get a view that you have composed the poem for self-satisfaction, self-pleasure, or self-enjoyment and you are successful in keeping such object of writing a poem.



But, I know, when a poem is placed or put for review in public, the poem does not remain a private matter, the words become public, and a poet should think of readers’ enjoyment.



This is not a lesson to teach you, it is true, and I think it is important to make a mention, a poet whose works or poems are offered or shared for reading and reviewing in public should think of performing his or her role to give, offer, or help readers to learn something from the poem and help readers to get enjoyment, entertainment, knowledge, information, or pleasantness in read of the poem.



Moreover, it is not wise to keep everything secret or hidden to the readers. A reader does not read poems to test his or her volume or quantum of knowledge or wisdom.



I understand, a writer who is not clear or expressive cannot invite readers, followers, supporters or appreciators to his or her writing.



I know my limits, I am not the best reader and I am not the only best reviewer, if I have caused you to hurt, I am sorry, but I request please do not take it personally, I have expressed my opinion to help you all the way.



Edit:
sunny Days
(Sunny Days)



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
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#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




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523
523
Review of You are Loved  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have done a very good short story I like.



I have enjoyed the short story, the taletelling, and the emotional expression of a teenage girl, the confident parenting and lesson in positive living, the inspirational and motivating parental lessons to a teenage school girl, the pleading of a bullied school girl, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



The title of the short story is appropriate, if not catchy; I expect a title of a short story may be, in addition, appealing, attractive, and or captivating.



Though, this short story projected in a poetic form does not appear to be a good short story, because it does not fulfil features of a short story, for example, the characterization is not dominating and thematic dominance has not been flown amply. I think, it is more a poem than a short story, though thematic importance might make it a good short story.



Edit:
Oh, my dear,
The wise woman explained
The point is to find your place in the world
You are worth more than all the diamonds in the world
You will fit in, just with the right people.
The girl realized that what her mother said was true,
And wiped away her tears.
But most importantly,
Her mother whispered
You are loved.

(Oh, my dear
the wise woman explained.
The point is to find your place in the world.
You are worth more than all the diamonds in the world.
You will fit in, just with the right people.
The girl realized what her mother said was true
and wiped away her tears.
But, most importantly
her mother whispered
you are loved.)




Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions and have changed words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the short story in a poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this short story with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
524
524
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a fine poem, a Triolet, in rhymes, I liked.


I have enjoyed the rhymes, the story, the taletelling about listening to raindrops and causing to your stress to unwind, the melodious and rhythmic sound of raindrops falling, the echoing voice of the raindrops falling, the laughter, the rainy environment, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.


Title of the poem is appropriate, if not catchy. I expect a title of a poem, in addition, may be attention-drawing, captivating, interest-grabbing, tricky, and or unforgettable.



Edit:
I listen to raindrops falling
Their voices echo through my mind
Their words to my soul is calling.
I listen to raindrops falling
Their laughter through my brain crawling
And causing my stress to unwind.
I listen to raindrops falling
Their voices echo through my mind.

(I listen to raindrops falling.
Their voices echo through my mind.
Their words to my soul are calling.
I listen to raindrops falling.
Their laughter through my brain is crawling.
And is causing my stress to unwind
I listen to raindrops falling.
Their voices echo through my mind.)



In the 6th line of the poem above is not expressive, and it is not grammatically correct, I left offering any suggestion for change, though.



The poem, after the edits or changes will lose the correct formation of a Triolet poem.



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions and have changed words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem, though I know editing may not be so much important today, but I think it would make the poem a better read.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
525
525
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have knitted phrases and words rhythmically and composed this love poem in rhymes, particularly using song titles in each line, fantastic, I liked.



I have enjoyed the story, the story of a lover wooing love and making romantic use of moments, the taletelling of a keen lover inviting her love partner to make use of love moments, the story in each line of poem, the rhymes, the rhythmic taletelling of the lover’s invitation for love making using moments in love and romance freely and heartily, the taletelling about the lover in waiting and exchanging romantic words with the love partner at a distance, the monologue flavour of taletelling, each song title and phrases used in taletelling, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.



Title of the poem is appropriate, significant and complete, if not catchy; I expect and hope a title of a poem, in addition, may be captivating, attractive, attention-drawing, interest-grabbing, tricky and or unforgettable.



Edit:
I’m going out of my head over you
You’re in the city; I’m stuck in this blue bayou
I’m a believer in this love that we share
Don’t bring me down saying you don’t care

Without you, my love is like dust in the wind
I can’t smile without you, nor can I pretend
It feels so good, I never want to let you go
But I have heartache tonight; I’m missing you so

You are my love, the one who fills my soul
You give me a natural high, make me feel whole
With your love, I’m feeling stronger every day,
Together we will conquer all, then slowly drift away

Let’s challenge our love, and take it to the limit
Get closer to each other, elevate our spirits.
I have a love hangover Baby, one that I can’t shake
So take a chance on me, if only for love’s sake


(I’m going out of my head over you.
You’re in the city; I’m stuck in this blue bayou.
I’m a believer in this love that we share.
Don’t bring me down saying you don’t care.

Without you, my love is like dust in the wind.
I can’t smile without you, nor can I pretend.
It feels so good; I never want to let you go.
But, I have heartache tonight; I’m missing you so.

You are my love, the one who fills my soul.
You give me a natural high, make me feel whole.
With your love, I’m feeling stronger every day.
Together we will conquer all, slowly then drift away.

Let’s challenge our love, and take it to the limit.
Get closer to each other, elevate our spirits.
I have a love hangover Baby, one that I can’t shake.
So, take a chance on me, if only for love’s sake.)



Please check, I have humbly offered some suggestions and have changed place of words, as edits, in the brackets, as above, for smoother read of the poem.



Well done; thank you for sharing this poem with us.





Keep writing for years!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann- summer travel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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