DISCLAIMER:
Right, you are free to reject, ignore, avoid or accept my personal feeling, opinion, positive philosophic apperception in my review or critique with due respect and suggestions, including GPs as courtesy, pleading no words to construe absolute or last, for I know my limitations
YOUR WORK: MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF:
I find a good mystic theme in the shadow. Fantasy fiction is somewhat interesting to read. The title is catchy and interesting.
It was a nice fiction read. Development of plot has blend and mix of mystic shade and atmosphere.
Again, I find a sense of magical spirit in the thematic plot progression, though it is subtle or a bit metaphorical in essence. In addition, a stamp of adventure spirit in the taletelling is nice.
Author’s wisdom is evidently read and appreciably witnessed in the work. The title speaks the gravity of thought the author has cherished to develop for producing a work of this merit.
Making a work of this stand for a contest, as a matter of fact, is challenging. Writing a fiction within a given word limit and in expressed limitations is praiseworthy. Credit goes to the author for the great endeavour and grand production made.
The title of the work has a spontaneous catch for the read. A contest entry has to follow certain or specific stringent rules and norms, we know. I was interested to read this work, so creditably produced, on challenge, in order to meet a specified challenge for writing a fiction.
YOUR WORK: WHAT AND WHY I LIKE ABOUT:
I like the fantastic thoughts.
I like the theme, of course, the adventure and the mystic background and the fantastic and the magical flavour and the movement of the plot, I noticed in course of the read.
I like author’s own stand of expression, and natural order of expressiveness.
I like fairly free flow of thoughts in exploration of the work.
I like humane messages, implied and evident, on different points of facts.
I like the brevity and concise narrative taletelling, as an art of presentation.
I like the conflicts which have been endeavoured exposing dimensionally.
I like the climax, as it appears, has a spirit of exposition in a fantastic mode and a mystic revelation.
I like the resolution that has a curious stand of conclusion, even if it is paused abruptly.
I like the psychological or behavioural sentiment exposed in the colours of actions thru the characters.
I like the ecological, environmental and historic messages prompted through the diversified movements and ups and downs in actions in course of narrative manoeuvre of taletelling.
I like the psychological expressive correlation, in a style of quotation or implied message, and reference to link the readers to feel the grace and gravity of the atmosphere thru this sentence: Lord Bennett would never have allowed such lax behavior.
I like the better expressed sentences having a stamp and smell of fantastic essence of the taletelling: It was now eerily quiet. No birds were singing; there was no breeze winding through the trees. The bodies of the younglings were gone and the Undead no longer roamed the vale across from her. This was unnatural. The little hairs on the back of her neck began to stand on end.
YOUR WORK::WHAT AND WHY I DISLIKE ABOUT:
I dislike the mode, style and art of expression and presentation of the tale.
I dislike the inexpressiveness of narrative taletelling and textual order of projection in a wider descriptive state of manifestation than fictional level of expression.
I dislike the intro of the fiction, it is not instantly catchy or interesting at par with the flavour expected reading the title of the fiction. The introductory part has so many sentences about Rena and about her feeling and experience.
I dislike the conclusive paragraph. It has multiplicity of actions and elements of the work. It has been too factual, descriptive and textually expressed like an experimental basis. It has lost catch. It was not an interesting read.
I dislike the fiction for I got limited pleasant read of a fiction has mystic, adventurous and fantasy of tales.
I dislike an incomplete story not put in a conclusive natural pause of finishing flavour to a finish.
I dislike the touch of magic is unlikely sensuous or interesting to read for lesser literary flavour of expressiveness and brief style of literary exposition.
Still, it is a great job done.
YOUR WORK: MY COMMENTS ON:
It is a good endeavour. I appreciate brevity in presentation of a fiction.
This has a fairly ample flavour and mix of magical essence, fantasy and mystery in the atmosphere of adventure and thrill for discoveries of finer feelings in Nature and human actions and conflicts.
The style of expression is a mix of simple and complex nature of projection.
In this incomplete fiction, it seems, the author has opted for targeted both fiction and short story readers.
Many sentences did not give me the feeling of mysteries, fantasies and adventurous flavour and colour, rhythm and flesh.
There is good flow of thoughts, still evidently, within the realm of restricted and in the phase of zigzag order of expression that might be termed inexpressive in order of a fiction in expression.
On the whole, interestingly enough, it has some of the elements of a fiction.
Somewhere I lost the interest in the read. There are ample complexities in expression. Frequent use of participles is monotonous. Indirect mode of sentences is an exaggeration of style in use.
In addition, there are examples of gullible stand of descriptive nature of expression of statement or projection of facts and textual sentiment of expression for stating what is a fiction than a fiction.
In the craft of expression, word visuals are yet to be witnessed in the work.
Indirect approach of taletelling or narration has lesser uniformity and balance in artistic manifestation of thoughts in words.
Moreover, the freshness, vigour, sense of satisfaction, knowing or learning some mystic, adventurous and fantasy in a fiction are average.
YOUR WORK: MY SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT IN:
Rena surveyed the scene around her. Sighing wistfully as a cool breeze ruffled her short dark hair, she wondered curiously at the nostalgic feelings within her. She had never considered the small vale at the entrance to the ancient Keep of Stormguard a particularly attractive place; but as she stood on a hill across from it, she marveled at its beauty.
The second sentence has artistic or ornamental expression but I would wish to suggest that it appears to me neither catchy nor interestingly impressive:
Direct speaking is more effective, I suggest.
Use of participle in the beginning of a sentence is now treated exaggeration, or archaic in a short fiction, fairly in a fantasy fiction, I like to suggest.
Third sentence is too long and is not so attractive in term of expression, I suggest.
Excessive use of complex sentence is monotonous and inappreciable in a fiction of this length, I confidently would like to suggest.
Covered by a wide sward of short, green saw grass at its entrance, the vale climbed quickly to a narrow rocky shelf above, squeezed between two massive shoulders of rock, children of the mountain that was home to Stormguard.
I suggest, the aforesaid is a fairly large sentence. End part of the sentence is inexpressive. It gives me a feeling that the end of the sentence is not properly linked, in other words, it appears to me a bit confusing. I did not understand this part of the sentence: ‘children of the mountain that was to Stormguard’.
Many trees, both ancient and young, dotted the hills around her. In fact, legend placed the massive tree beside her here before the Shattering. That would make it well over 500 years old. Taking a step closer, she gently caressed the rugged browns and grays of its bark. “What secrets would you tell if you could speak, Old Man Oak?” she asked the tree quietly.
That would make it well over 500 years old. – I suggest this sentence is inexpressive.
I write to suggest, these sentences appear expressed in a fallacious mood. Fantasy spirit might have been more passionate and naturalized in term of literary expression.
Taking a step closer, she gently caressed the rugged browns and grays of its bark. “What secrets would you tell if you could speak, Old Man Oak?” she asked the tree quietly.
After a few moments, her head cleared and Rena was able to stand on her own. She looked around, cautiously eyeing the hillside. She was being watched. Rena had been a Ranger too long to mistake the feeling. Moving to a position of greater cover, she quietly drew her bow and notched an arrow. They had almost had her, whoever they were. No novice here, this touch of magic would not catch her easily. “Let them come,” she thought. “I will teach them the error of their ways.”
It has an old or archaic model (this is considered redundant or exaggeration or monotonous or inexpressive today) of expression in a fiction:--
After a few moments, her head cleared and Rena was able to stand on her own
This sentence is grammatically incorrect and inexpressive and a bit confusing:
No novice here, this touch of magic would not catch her easily.
Briefly, purpose and link of this sentence is not expressive to me, I wish to suggest:--
If it came to a fight, she had help close at hand.
In the following sentence the use of word ‘considered’ is inexpressive or monotonous. Besides, the same word has been used elsewhere severally in the work.
As she worked her way stealthily along the slope, moving from cover to cover, Rena considered the events that had drawn her here.
The following expressions appear to me more textual or descriptive and I would suggest, these have lesser literary sentiment and calibration of word picturisation:-
It had been an arduous trip; but she had been restless upon her return. Feeling the walls of her dwelling closing in on her, she determined to walk a bit to relieve the stress. Before long she found herself at the outer gates of Andhun.
The King must know of this threat as soon as possible.
But she had not stayed long. She didn’t even go inside. A quick drink from the water barrel outside and she was off again. Now that she looked back on it, it seemed she was under an enchantment. Everything after Thayne’s was fuzzy, her memory was incomplete. Rena was not sure when she had arrived at the hill top across from Stormguard or how long she had been there. Anger started to replace her fear. She did not like being manipulated.
The conviction of the statement appears unacceptable, I wish to put my suggestion. In the following sentences, I fail to find the author is a narrator, I find the role or stand of a narrator is doubtful here:
Everything after Thayne’s was fuzzy, her memory was incomplete.
She did not like being manipulated.
Moving with care, her senses peaked, she resumed her approach.
I may like to suggest the following sentence seems inexpressive:-
Rena heard the sounds of a struggle coming from the north, just out of sight around the curve of the Keep.
I again find a textual or non-fictional mode or pattern of expression in the following sentence:-
Drawing the bow string tighter in preparation to shoot quickly if necessary, she moved toward the source of the noise.
Title of the work: I suggest that the gravity of thoughts is yet to make it a significant title. Truly, it has been metaphoric if not expressive in manifestation of thoughts. I mean, the touch has been stated and it is yet to be filled in words to incite the feeling in the readers.
Thank you for sharing,
To your success in writing,
Keep writing, writing, writing and writing.
Serve mankind thru your classic writing!
Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber  
02-28-2015-10
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| (4.5)
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