The author writes about waiting, as a child, for Christmas Eve to turn into Christmas morning.
The author sets the scene with describing the emotions of the children waiting impatiently in bed for that clock to strike midnight so they can go and investigate what is under the tree.
The imagery was good- good enough that I wonder if this is based on truth or just a product of a great imagination and writer.
I always loved Christmas as a child and this brought me back to those feelings of anticipation and joy. Thank you!
Suggestions:
Please do not be daunted by my suggestions. I am not a professional editor and if you disagree with me, that is okay My intent is only to offer my opinion on what I think could be edited to produce a even better story. Your words will be in bold, my revisions in red. I am terrible with comma placement, so keep this in mind and perhaps get another opinion, if you feel I might be wrong with my suggestions.
My nephew and myself lay there in the bed as quiet as mice wishing that twelve o'clock midnight would hurry up and get here so we could fly down the stairs and open our presents.
I would suggest the following revisions:
My nephew and I lie in the bed, as quiet as mice, wishing that midnight would hurry up and get here so we could fly down the stairs and open our presents.
I changed very little, trying to leave it your own
We strained our ears, sifting through all the hustle and bustle of the adults down stairs getting everything set up for the big event. While I like this sentence, I am wondering what you are listening for if you are sifting through the noises of the adults- perhaps for the clock to strike the midnight hour?
In the second paragraph: crawdad holler should be capitalized if it is indeed a town or a formal name for a house.
There were five very nervous children in that tiny house in crawdad holler, my nephew and myself were in bed in one of the two rooms upstairs, my younger sister and niece were in bed downstairs directly below us, which was easy enough to tell since they were continually giggling and only stopping to jabber a few words, there was only 3 years separating our ages, so we were all on the same excitement level when it came to christmas. This is a long run-on sentence. I would consider breaking it up a bit. Also Christmas and again Crawdad Holler should be capitalized. I will not rewrite the sentences for you as I think if you revisit the story, you will see parts that could be tightened up.It is up to you if you wish to edit or not.
I think this was the favorite part of my fathers Christmas, the honor of being the ONLY one to wake up the children. The prior sentences show that he knew you were awake by his statement of 'since you are up already...Was he perhaps happy being the one to call out, inviting the children to join him?
I think the story is good. I think it could be edited to be great one. You should revisit it and really edit any run-on sentences, contradicting statements, capitalization issues and then basically tighten up the entire piece.
I really enjoyed visiting your port and reading this tale of Christmas morning I love the message it contains: You do not need to be wealthy to have a wonderful Christmas! Please keep writing. I think you have a gift of story telling. Please mail me when and if you edit. I would be more then happy to read this story again and rate it according to the improvement you make.
Shannon thought you might like a hot cup of coffee and purchased a coffee drink for you to enjoy!
Hello, my name is omniblueeyes . I am a Barista for "The Coffee House " . I have been told that you like a couple of hot reviews with your hot coffee.
Your Order: Tall Latte consists of the following:
2 reviews and an added 5 more reviews. That means you will receive a total of 7 reviews just for you!
Now on to your review
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
The author uses vivid imagery to weave this poem about her life. I was drawn to it by the pretty pink ribbon adorning it. I think this poem definitely warrents this awardification. The words were beautifully written. It told a story of life...
I was saddened at the end and hope that the slip of the needle did not mean her life ws over... just that she must start anew.
Suggestions:
My only suggestion is that where you have the series of dots:
(example) You said: It might have been that.........
I am not sure if I am correct in my suggestion to you,but it has been suggested to me that when using this kind of punctuation you should only use three dots-unless it is the end of the poem or thought process. You use four dots to end. I think it could work for your poem and all the dots were not needed IMO.
What I personally liked the Most:
My, what did I not like? Some of my favorite lines were the following:
Those memories in her trust......
segments of other people
were reflected in strands of bitter green
and candy pink, and streaks of smoky blue.
I loved this. I see people as colors, rather I see their emotions as colors. i think positive vibes and thoughts are pink bubbles and nasty people or thoughts as green- no bubbles. I loved how as this woman knits her life, she includes color representing her world and the people in it.
The sun seemed dimmer then
the birds had stilled their song,
the trees did not toss their heads
beautiful!
Summary:
I really enjoyed this poem. I think it was very, very well written. I, personally, love free verse. I feel that it really allows the soul to sing without rules or constraints. You soul sung opera in this piece
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
A quiz! I did not even know we could post quizzes ! neat!
The author asks us 'How well do you know the book TheIdocracyOfTeenageLife ?' consider putting spaces between the title: The Idocracy Of Teenage Life
Creativity/Impact:
I think it is a neat quiz. I did not know the book existed so I can not take the quiz. I think for those that have read the book, you have asked some good questions.
Spelling- seems like all is correct here. Good job!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
A poll this teen author made, asking us if we like reading 'teen romance'.
Creativity/Impact:
I loved that you offered so many choices, regarding our answers to your poll. I also think it is a good question to ask. It is very informative, especially if that is one the genres you write about.
Suggestions:
I would suggest that you go in and edit the spelling or typo errors.
writting should be writing Favourite should be favorite Golod should be good? I dont find too much intrest in it consider It does not interest me much. intrest should be interest
Summary:
I think this is a very good poll choice. i do not think I have reviewed a poll before
Thank you for the read and Write on!
Please check out my very first WDC Auction!
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Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
A young girls story about 'Katy's darkness'. I am assuming this is about you? If so, you could also list it under non-fiction. If this is a work of your imagination in which you are the star of the story, then you picked the correct category
Creativity/Impact:
I think this is a story with 'good bones'. I think it is basically a good story that with a little work on the author's part could turn into a great story.
It is modern tale, yet I believe all teens- even us adults who were teens long ago- could relate to this story of a girl battling to differentiate between her true feelings and her shallow dreams of popularity and as a turbulent teen.
What I personally liked the Most:
The story is very personal. It has a timeless plot. What I mean by that is, for example: Judy Bloom writes children and teen books. Even though her books were written about 30 years ago or more, her characters still ring true to a teen now. The characters seem like they could be anyone, and anyone can relate. No matter how 'old' her books get, everyone still 'gets it' no matter what year in time they read her books.
I really liked the first lines: I woke up. I saw the darkness around me but I got up. Like I do. I face my problems. I get up like yesterday and like I will tomorrow. I wake. I Get up. I live. I Carry on Great message, facing the darkness!
A slight revision of the words would make it more powerful, I think. For example...and not necessarily the correct way to write it for you: I woke up. I saw the darkness surrounding me, but I got up like I always do. I get up and face my problems, much like I did yesterday, like I will tomorrow. I always get up. I live my life. I carry on. (now I am not sure of the switch in tenses here. There is present and past tense being used in this small area.)
Suggestions:
There are a lot of errors in punctuation and other small things that distract from the story. I shall try and help you through some of them so you can look through the rest of your story and make any edits you feel you would like to address.
Who would help me through this, no one even cared about me, the real me, and No one wanted the real Katy. Consider: Who would help me through this? No one even cared about me, not the real me. No one wanted the real katy.
You have a lot of areas that have some run-on sentences that could be broken down just a bit.
before i could explore my thoughts deeply Tallulah and Nicole jumped behind me You may want to go and make sure all your words are capitalized correctly. BTW...I have a bad habit of forgetting this 'rule' as well.
{b Like he was going to help me through it , honestly , he you have some extra spaces between the word honestly. You might want to check and make sure all spacing is correct.
I just stayed in his arms until it poured down with rain because he was the only person I had left in this world to trust what poured down with the rain? the hug? this was a little confusing to me.
I would work on this piece a little further before continuing on with the next chapter of your book.
Summary:
This could be an awesome story. I am wondering why Katy and Jay are in danger. I look forward to finding out what happens!!!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
This is this writer's first poem. I hope to encourage, even though the author asks that we 'comment and criticize heavily'.
Creativity/Impact:
I am not entirely sure what this poem is about. I am touched by some of the lines, but the message the poem should be cementing for me is a little unclear.
What I personally liked the Most:
I loved the first four lines. They had a definite rhyming pattern and spoke strongly. They also painted a clear picture of what the writer was thinking about or perhaps actually seeing.
Suggestions:
I would break up the lines into stanzas or verses. I am still a little confused at the difference between the two myself...but I know that they are four lines usually and grouped together. you should write four lines and then make a break (leave a space). Write four more and then line break. This will make your poem more attractive and read better IMO.
I would like to see the rhyme pattern continued. In the first four lines, the first, second and last lines rhymed at the end. It was really good!
I would also name your poem. It might encourage reviewers to read it. there are so many untitled pieces on here, it is very much a title that grabs some readers.
Summary:
I think this poem is very good for being a first attempt. I hope you continue to write and improve. I think you have some natural talent that just has to be worked with to be brilliant
Thank you for the read and Write on!
Please help support my very first WDC Auction!
Bidding open on 32 packages of all sizes!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
This author attempts to explain what makes a good review and she succeeds in her endeavor.
Creativity/Impact:
I have seen so many 'how to' posts. I have taken what I could from those and applied them. I am getting better with each review I make, however I am not at the level I wish to be regarding my feedback. You made so many good tips, providing information on template use, explaining how to encourage rather then discourage an author (even if their story warrants a less then perfect score), you even provided addition links for us to learn from.
What I personally liked the Most:
I found this post the most complete 'how to' guide I have read, concerning reviews, so far. I actually had to bookmark it as it was very complex and is not something to be read once and discarded. It is a useful reference to go back to, even for the most seasoned reviewer.
Suggestions:
I would have liked to see a more complex example of the template. I learn the most about how to review through others reviews. I am always looking at the public review page for examples of wonderful templates. I would have love to see a link to different templates to use for different types of writing. I use the same template for short stories and poetry at this time. I know I need to make a different template for short stories then for poems. I would have liked to see you go into this with more detail.
Summary:
As I already said, this is bookmarked. I think anyone who wants to become a great reviewer should read this. I understand that the minimum word count for a review to be credited is 250, but wouldn't we all want to make those 250 words say something that is useful? I know I would. I am still growing as both a writer and reviewer. I believe the two are very much linked. I thank you for this guide.
Thank you for the read and Write on!
Please check out my very first WDC Auction!
Bidding open on 32 packages of all sizes!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
An in and out activity. I have never participated in one of these. I do not think I have ever seen one until now. It was highlighted in your port and I decided to click it. The activity is on hold due to illness. I am so sorry you are ill. I hope you get better soon!
Creativity/Impact:
Although I am not sure (entirely) what to do here, it seems everyone else 'gets it' and it seems like a lot of different people like to participate with your in and out. The reader is supposed to make an entry to add to the top ten list...something like what David Letterman does. I do not watch him, so this might be why I am confused
What I personally liked the Most:
I loved seeing all the different case colors joined together, participating in your in and out!
Summary:
I hope you get well soon and come back full force! Again, Happy WDC Anniversary!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
I sad poem about a homeless person as they lie dying.
Creativity/Impact:
I think this is a very unique topic (well, I have written about a homeless man once..need to edit and post it)..at any rate it is a topic that should be discussed and read about. It is a growing problem and we forget to easily those humans that suffer in this way.
What I personally liked the Most:
The poem tugged on my heart strings. I felt very saddened by the story you told.
The poem had good rhythm. It sounded spot on as I read it.
Suggestions:
I would love to see this poem backed up with a fitting image.
Summary:
Great job on this. It was a touching poem and well written. Again, Happy WDC Anniversary!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
When I read this poem, I was thinking it might have been for the short shots contest- where you have to write about the image. There was an image with glorious sunflowers in their prime. imagine my surprise to not the find that picture, but this one. It is a sad looking picture, not sad in a bad way- the end of the sunflowers cycle. You also wrote a 'formal' poem rather then a short story.
Creativity/Impact:
I am not sure if this is one of your own pictures or something you found on the internet, but it inspired you to write. I find it hard to accurately 'judge' or critique this as I am not familiar with the Whitney form. It looks a little like a longer haiku. I thought you described the picture well, evoking emotions, in a very few words.
What I personally liked the Most:
I do not wish to share any of my favorite lines because of it's length. I would encourage other's to view the poem themselves and read it in it's entirety.
Suggestions:
I think a note at the top or bottom explaining the form you used would be helpful to us who are not so familiar with the different types of 'formal' poetry.
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
The author calls this a nonsense poem. I was about to read another entry but then saw the word 'nonsense' and of course ran right to it I found it very cute!!!
Creativity/Impact:
I loved how you started quite serious, painting a picture in this reader's mind about how the day appeared. You then got very humorous at the end. cute! I hate my sinus' too!
What I personally liked the Most:
I enjoyed the entire poem, but loved how you even included another author's poem at the end.the other poem was inspired by this poem and they both suited each other beautifully
Suggestions:
I do not have any. seriously...
okay...if I was to have written the first line, 'I' would have said 'The day dawned with cloudy skies'. lol this is just what I would have said. It is not right or wrong, just different. I like how we all write in different styles. So, my suggestion? stay the unique and wonderful person you are
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
First Place winner 55 Word Contest! Written about dinner or rather lack of
Creativity/Impact:
I have always wanted to try this contest. you provided an excellent example of how 55 words can say so much.
What I personally liked the Most:
I loved the humorous nature of this...what is this called. it is most certainly not a short story, nor poem...lol I loved the entire 55 words!
Suggestions:
None, you managed to tell the beginning, middle and end of this very, very, very short story.
Summary:
I hope you have a wonderful WDC birthday! Thanks for the inspiration!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
You state 'A failed attempt of a child's poem'. Yes it was! Was it good otherwise? Yes it was!
Creativity/Impact:
So not a child's poem and I am glad of the rating. This would cause nightmares in small tikes. The poem, however, was good. It was dark, sad, and moving.
What I personally liked the Most:
I like how it seems the sun has killed itself only to find out the moon murdered it. It kind of (to me) has a deep meaning. The moon does kill the sun each day it would seem. the sun sets and the moon shines brighter. The moon can always be seen, even by the light of day. oohh! I want to write about the sun and moon now. you inspired me!!! and happy WDC birthday!!!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
This is such a sad song-saying goodbyes to your Grandmother.
Creativity/Impact:
I could feel your hurt through your words written. I hope you have time to heal and only good memories remain in regards to your Grandma.
What I personally liked the Most:
I also write as an outlet for my pain. It is not good to keep all those negative or sad feelings bottled up. I am glad you released that in this poem, or hope you did.
Suggestions:
I do not feel comfortable critiquing this as it is such a personal thing.
Summary:
I hope you found some peace and I hope you enjoy this WDC birthday wish to you
Congrats to the other winners as well!!!!!! I have seen all them on the public review board! LOl @ the thing. he or she is most noticable with that hand...hehee
OMGosh! so excited! I appreciate this more then you can know. I was running an auction to get a basic upgrade for a year but now I might be able to go premium!!!! *dances in chair* I now can probably do that and donate even more to great groups here at WDC! I am so glad i joined. for more then just winning this of course, but this was an awesome surprise!!!!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
While I do not agree with your argument against gay marriage (IMO an argument against love) I respect your right to voice your disapproval.
Creativity/Impact:
The impact on me was not positive. You said, rather quoted the bible. It leaves a lot of interpretation in the verses you decided to use FOR your argument. The best part in the bible, in my opinion, is the part(s) where it says do not judge, lest you be judged. No one should judge another. *shrugs* but again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I live and let live. I live by my own set of guidelines to what is right and wrong. I expect others to do the same as long as they are not harming another.
Suggestions:
I am not sure how many gay people you have actually gotten to know on a personal level. They have the same feelings and yearnings for love as a straight person. Actually the gay couples that I know, who have chosen to 'marry' have been together longer then any of my straight friends. They are without the legal right to bury their mate because of the laws. They can not put their mate on their insurance. They long for legal marriage, not only to proclaim their love for another (much like us straight people do) but also for legal reasons.
Summary:
Again, I support your right to express your feelings, I hope you understand my need to express my own in reaction to yours. There is a reason Religion and government is (supposibly) separate. To me, denying or not affording ANYONE the same rights under the Constitution, in any circumstances, is wrong. To judge is wrong- the bible tell us so...does it not? I hope there are no hard feelings. There are none from this side of the computer.
I decided to correct my typos so if you notice two reviews of the same thing, this is why. I have so much to learn about something I have been writing for years, or thought I was writing- poetry.
I was amazed at your ability to rhyme, with seeming ease- in a pattern that I am familiar with. I tried to read it a few times out loud and was caught on the unfamiliar flow. I know now that this in intentional. I always read my won poetry in the same 'sing song' tone and it did not work with this piece. It is daunting for me when I am surrounded by people who know their stuff. I write as I feel...never minding the rules. I am trying to gather the courage to attack new forms. I think this form will be one of the last ones I try. I still am not comfortable, no matter how many times it is explained, to me this thing called 'feet' and meter.
I do, however, recognize a great poem when I read it. This was very sad to me even with knowing the man was ready to meet the reaper. I wish to never grow so old to where I welcome death as a friend.
I have so much to learn about something I have been writing for years, or thought I was writing-poetry. I was amazed at your ability to rhyme,with seeming ease- in a pattern that I am familiar with. I tried to read it a few time outloud and was caught on the unfamiliar flow. i know now that this in intentional. I always read my won poetry in the same 'sing song' tone and it did not work with this piece. It is daunting for me when i am surrounded by people who know their stuff. I write as I feel..never minding the rules. I am trying to gather the courage to attack new forms. I think this form will be one of the last ones I try. I still am familiar, no matter how many times it is explained to me[ this thing called 'feet' and meter.
I do know a great poem when i read it. this was very sad to me..I know the man is happy. I wish to never grow so old where I welcome death as a friend.
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
This folder is empty but I wanted to review it anyways. You stated in your bio that you are going through a change and wanted to focus on the darker side of your nature. I am hoping that you will keep some of your lighter poem as there can't be dark without the light. It would be a nice balance to have a little lighter poems and writing in my opinion.
I see you are seemingly doing a total revamp as it was hard to find any folders that contained much work. I hope they fill up fast as you rearrange them.
I hope this change you are making suits you and makes you feel more comfortable. I think I will favorite you and try and remember stopping by in the future when your folders are more complete
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
WDC is a writing forum where authors can come post their work and can expect reviews and feedback on their posted works. I joined writing.com a short while ago, but it already feels like I have been here for years and that is not a bad thing. When you joined, you are welcomed, even celebrated in your newbie status. It is one of the few forums that I have not felt like an outsider when I first joined. I have made many friends and joined many groups, all having a positive impact on my life and my writing.
] Creativity/Impact:
This site offers something for everyone. There are groups to improve your writing skills, groups to help others improve their writing skills, groups to just do 'good deeds' for another, who you may not even know. There are many different genres to read, from horror to religious. You are never bored and if you are, it is your fault. There is so much to this site. Contests and challenges abound, new authors join daily to rally support for their writing endeavors.
What I personally liked the Most:
I have already mentioned all of the things I love about the site. This is a very unique and special place. Thank you to the creators and the people who keep it running so smoothly. Thank you to the many people who strive to support their fellow authors.
Suggestions:
LOL! The only thing I have wished for since I have joined is flashing warning signs when reviewing a young author. I want to encourage our young people, whose writing skill might differ from some of our more 'seasoned' writers. I always try to check the bio if I suspect the person is a young teen. I would like my review to be especially positive for those young inspiring writers. Where are the flashing lights? lol Is there a way for us to check ages without a bio set? I would love to be able to know I am reading a 14 year old vrs a 40 year old author.
Summary:
I am blessed to have found this site! Happy 9th Birthday WDC! May you celebrate many more
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
I have erased my template as I feel this piece is something very personal and do not want to review it for spelling errors or flow but rather speak with you about what you have written about instead.
I am assuming you are a teenager. I swear, if I did not know better I would have thought my own daughter had just wrote this. It is exactly how she feels right now. She has had her own heart broken and she has asked these same questions you have asked. she has shut herself up in her room.
I have written a poem about her and posted it here. As a mother, I am concerned. I hope you know that you deserve someone who makes you feel very special not hurt. If he does not want you, then he is losing out. I know that these words do not take away the sting or the hurt of what you are experiencing right now. Young love is hard. I hope that you can look at your words in a couple of years and say 'oh my, how silly I was to love this boy and let him make me feel this way'. I am glad you wrote it down and hopefully it helped you let loose some of those tears and ugly feelings. It will get better you know, right? It will!
that is neat! I always look at the night sky. sometimes I make everyone come out with me. when at work or home, if i see a rainbow, i get all excited and make everyone walk outside. they think I am a freak:P last rainbow, I made my boss go outside and look. it was double rainbow. very large and clear. i then had to buy a cemera and take a pic of it. still not developed. i almost divorced my second husband 9before I actually did years later) because he would not come out and loook at this giant star that i watched driving home from work. it was probably a planet and was so huge. I didnt have internet then...so who knows. he would not share my joy. joy buster.
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
One of our young authors writes about love and heartache.
Suggestions:
I would suggest that first you go and write out the word you. While it is common for teens to use abrievations, you should not in formal writing. It really take away from your poem. I do not want that to bring your rating down and it has.
Also make sure all you 'I''s are in caps. I am horrid at this too. The normal spell check does not always catch those. I am also horrible at forgetting to type the R in your. So I look like I am silly when I saw things like 'I liked you poem'. Try and go through this and make sure all little errors are fixed.
The poem seems a little like a suicide fantasy. I am hoping that you would never consider killing yourself to get the attention of a boy. It is normal to fantasize about what would make another love us, I just want to make sure you would never do it. I know young love is hard.
The poem could use some 'tightening up'. I think you should try and match the number of lines through all your verses. This would be the first step at making the poem a little better. It is a start.
What I personally liked the Most:
I liked that you expressed yourself. It is quite a long poem and it seems like you thought about what to write.
Also, it was an emotional piece. i could see your pain when reading your words. for you to be able to express yourself in words in a way that the reader can also feel the pain you felt when writing is a good thing
Summary:
I hope you continue to improve this piece and are not daunted by people's suggestions on here. I am sure anyone who reviews and rates your piece only wants to help you become a better writer. I know that is why I am here. I have been writing for years and years and still have so much to learn!
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
A very chilling poem about a sleeping aide. *shudders*
Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is the rhythm seemed to go off a bit with the third verse. i think it is the long second sentence. I know all of the sentences are not the same length but I read smoothly until that one part.
What I personally liked the Most:
I have taken Ambian and it has never me this effect- to write stellar poetry:P I do understand the pill thing though. That little girl is freaky! I know she represents part of you- but *shudders* creepy! I love the way this read and the words you used. you painted a picture of a very scary night.
Summary:
I shall look through your port soon. If this is just a sample of your talent, I want to read more.
Please take this review for what it is; my personal opinion. I am not a professional editor, nor do I portray myself to be an expert in reviewing. My intent is to share my feelings concerning your work with you, nothing more. It is my sincere hope that you will find something useful in it and disregard the rest.
Overall Impression:
I am sitting here laughing out loud, literally. I know the tune to which you rewrote the words. The author takes on "Invalid Item" and does a stellar job. Believe me this is not as easy as it sounds!
Suggestions:
None!
What I personally liked the Most:
I tried to do this contest. My husband really got into this idea of francie's and I could not get him to leave me alone about it. It is the most interest he has shown in my writing and this site since I began. I could not make it fit. Here, you do it effortlessly. It fit the tune!!! It was clever and funny!
Although I have read enough of you work to know you have some great talent, you still give me hope (with my limited ability) to try this again...sometime soon
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| (3.5)
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My intent is only to offer my opinion on what I think could be edited to produce a even better story. Your words will be in bold, my revisions in red. I am terrible with comma placement, so keep this in mind and perhaps get another opinion, if you feel I might be wrong with my suggestions. 
. I loved how as this woman knits her life, she includes color representing her world and the people in it.
A Review to celebrate your WDC Birthday!