Hi kristoff N. chester
Thank you for requesting a review of "the string" from me. Apologies that it has taken me a while to get to! I hope you find it useful and I encourage you to get back to me if I've said something that doesn't make sense or that you want to clarify yourself.
Before I get onto the review, have you considered entering the horror genre contest "Invalid Item" . It's only for works of 1000 words or less but I note that you are a horror writer, and might be up for the challenge.
Reader Impressions
As a dabbler in horror myself, I prefer the creepy, spine-tingling psychological sort over the out-and-out gory type of horror story. So The String was just the sort of story to my liking - mysterious, suspenseful, psychological; making me glad I didn't read it at night. Yep, my imagination would have got the better of me and I'd have started feeling threads where there aren't any.
Your opening paragraphs totally threw me off the scent, by the way, and when tied with the genres of 'other' and 'dark' I wasn't sure what I was getting into. I really did start off thinking this was a sort of autobiographical work, especially since you talked about the two poems with the appropriate Chinese titles and gave us some basic facts about China itself. It wasn't until I came to the fifth paragraph where you (and the reader) meet the slightly odd playwright that I finally twigged that this was fiction. I was rather glad, actually, because I didn't really want to read a 'dark' story that had true first-hand narration. (By the way, I'm not saying you should change anything here! The puzzlement was my own fault for not looking at your Port first.)
Overall, this was a nice piece of horror which contained macro and micro horror. By that I mean, we had the overall (macro) sense of the god controlling humans, taking away their free will, combined with the fact that hundreds of men and women before our narrator had faced the same fate; and the closer-to-home (micro) sense with the the point of view of the narrator. Having the narrator be first-person brought the reader right into the story, as if was they (me) who was drawn inexplicably up that mountain with a sense of 'doing what's right' but finding out that I'm being directed in every move I make with no possibility of escape. There is the added horror of feeling that I'd managed to escape (For a moment I allowed myself to feel slight comfort.), before realising there is no such thing as escape.
Strengths
Besides being a really nice little story, I think there are three main strengths to it.
1. You drew the reader in by making them part of the story through your first person narrator. The reader experiences the intrigue, the puzzlement, the absolute need to get up that mountain, the fear, the panic, and that final sense of despair. And When, by what I hope was only chance, I came across a name, that stuck out ever so sorely. is a really nice way of the reader going 'um... what's going on here? What 'chance'?' It makes the reader suddenly start to get a little nervous.
2. As the bones of a short story goes, you gave me everything I needed to feel satisfied - a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning gives the reader a false sense that everything is okay, the middle turns up the nerves with every step up the mountain, and the ending packs something of a punch - in two ways. Firstly, the dog tells a tale that almost convinces the narrator that her entrapment is a tragedy and she should be set free (a perfect example of her pulling the strings!). Secondly, that it ties in with your title and the entire theme of the story - being a physical puppet with that silk string attach that cannot be removed. I did wonder what might happen next but I'm not sure you could ever write that into the story; best to leave that up to the reader's imagination.
3. You've brought in myth and folklore. Even if it is made-up you've written it so well that it feels real, as if the myth exists and you've decided to bring it into the modern world with your own take. By the way, I say made-up because I wanted to read up on the myth myself but couldn't find anything regarding either poem or the god of puppets in Chinese folklore ( ; besides an article from Hawaii's East-West Center Gallery that mentions that man being on a string like a puppet is a very old metaphor. (This gallery held an exhibition on Chinese puppets for the first half of this year.)) I was so intrigued, I asked my Chinese workmate if she'd heard of the poems or myths. She hadn't. Of course, this doesn't mean to say they don't exist (feel free to prove me wrong here). There's actually a point to this ramble. If you're using established/known myth or folklore, make sure you know it from every angle so that someone doesn't niggle at you for inaccuracies. And if things are totally made up, write them like they're fact/myth so that we believe!. Create something that your readers wish was real. I think you've done a fine job of that here.
A couple of parts I really liked:
Something was atop this mountain and I had to see it with my own eyes.- perfect example of the age-old curiosity of mankind, but with a darker twist here since our narrator is beginning to wonder if it's not all his own doing. Also thought this sentence had a really nice feel to the way it is read.
Time had pummeled the place - pummeled is quite a violent word, and it works perfectly here in describing what time has done to the temple. Though you go on to describe some of the pummeled features, the word itself brings forth such imagery without actually having to describe.
I had time only to scream once as I was pulled up into the air, being towed along by Amosia, the god of puppets. - I really like this closing line. Total despair, total knowledge that the entire trip wasn't out of free-will, total control by the gods. As endings go, I thought it one of the better I've read in quite some time.
Suggestions
First person narratives are my own writing preference, but those of us who live for it have to sort out the ever-present I. Too many is disruptive to the reader, and in fact stories often start to read like a bullet-point list rather than a narrative. I'd recommend you work through the story and remove redundant Is and turn other sentences around so that at least I doesn't start the sentence. A couple of suggestions are listed below to show what I mean here:
The trip took longer then I planned. - the I isn't needed here since it's unlikely anyone else planned the trip.
I walked on even has I recounted more of the supernatural lore and tales of mysticism. - several ways you could reorder this to avoid starting with the I. Walking on, I recounted.... or As I walked on, I recounted... or even a total reword, and linking with the next sentence: Supernatural lore and tales of mysticism flashed continuously through my mind, making me wish to turn back...
I sought him out, an elderly ecstatic man. - in the previous sentence the narrator has discovered the playwright. So this 'sought him out' seems kind of secondary. You probably mean that the narrator discovered that there was a man to go and see, rather than he physically discovered him somewhere in town. My suggestion would be to remove at least the first part of this sentence completely, keeping the 'elderly ecstatic man (perhaps as When I met the elderly ecstatic man he was dressed in a suit....). Second query about the ecstatic nature of the man - how did you know? Perhaps describe the flamboyance a little more. How is he flamboyant? Is it just the suit or the red blush making him look this way, or did he act it? If it's the latter then the stiff moving arms and the flat lips kind of don't match with acted flamboyancy.
Inside it was dark, but in the blackness I heard the shuffle of feet. - quite aside from a repetition that the inside of the temple was dark, I think you've missed an opportunity to describe the dark. Blackness is nice, but is it thick or heavy? Is it a total pitch-black dark, or could objects be made out? Did it seem to be sucking into the narrator's lungs? Use the darkness to heighten the fear and panic.
The Technical Side
This where I talk about grammar when it's bugged me to the point that I have to mention it, or anything else that has stopped my reading flow.
My trail came to a climax with the discovery of a play write whom was seeking to produce a play after the legend. - playwright, rather than play write. And I think 'whom' is not the word you're after here. 'Who' works better, and you could make the sentence a little more active in feeling by using 'who sought' rather than 'who was seeking'.
The trip itself was uncomfortable, along with the tedious run around of airport security I was haunted with unsettling dreams. In which I beheld burning ruins and humans dancing. - in a couple of places you mix and match punctuation to add sentences that don't really need to be added together and to cut others off where they should be added. This pair of sentences is an example. I think it would be better with a full stop after 'uncomfortable'. Start the next with 'Along', but after 'dreams' remove the full stop. 'In which' is a connecting set of words not a beginning set. Something like this: The trip was uncomfortable. Along with the tedious run around of airport security, I was haunted with unsettling dreams in which I beheld burning ruins and humans dancing. (And remove 'itself' as that's a bit redundant here. To me the trip can only be itself so it doesn't need to be said.)
Had the monster in the poem, not been called a puppeteer? - no comma here. And I know why you've gone for the 'had not' arrangement of words (which I like) but the ordering feels a little bit unusual, and I had to read this a couple of times to make sense. I would expect to see (and remember this is just me) something more like Had not the monster been called a puppeteer in the poem? (or In the poem, had not the monster been called a puppeteer?) Basically... don't split the 'had' and 'not'.
There was more proof of this has I went. - you've used 'has' for almost every time you meant 'as'. Since this is obviously a word in its own right it will never come up in a spell-check. However, it should pop up in a grammar check. I tend to not use those, but reading slowly out loud will generally always point out where you might have used the wrong word.
The figure reached out to me and waited with it's hand out. - it's is a contraction of 'it is', not a pronouncement of possession, so you don't need an apostrophe here. I'd also like to see another way of calling this black-clad figure. 'The figure' came across much like the use of 'I' that I mentioned above.
Covered in scales with small horns at the end of it's nose and glowing eyes. - a sentence without a subject, so it reads incomplete. You could easily attached this to the next sentence as another way to describe the monster as it rises into the sky, or you could add in the subject. Something as simple as Covered in scales, the monster had small horns at the end of its nose and glowing eyes. But also, really describe this monster. What colour are the glowing eyes? Is it still purple (as the dog was)? This is your opportunity to really freak the reader out.
I looked down and shuttered in fear - shuddered, rather than shuttered here.
Closing Comments
I really liked this story. Your narrator played the perfect part of an unsuspecting puppet, thinking that much of the journey was made with free-will, thinking he had made an escape. The overarching feeling of having the gods act as puppeteers makes a body very uncomfortable, which makes for a really nice spine-tingling, psychological sort of dark/horror. There are certainly some things to tidy up but overall, this is a great story and I am in fact looking forward to reading more of your stories. And certainly to see if I can discover why many of your log-lines talking about being beyond the sight of man!
Thank you once again for requesting the review; I hope that it helps you and encourages you to keep going. And, as I said at the beginning, don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.
Best wishes,
Osirantinous
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