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471 Public Reviews Given
488 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
I'm good at...
Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
Favorite Genres
M/M, romance, horror, western
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Victims Anonymous  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kiyasama

The awesome "King's Landing updating Open in new Window. is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Victims AnonymousOpen in new Window. comes from fabulous House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This is an ugly story, and that’s not a criticism. An ugly story because we’re dealing with a murderer who is sly, vindictive and killing for fun. And what makes the ugliness stand out is that this story’s character is known to be shy, geeky, quiet, a coward by his school friends. He’s the type of kid whose friends, when he’s found out as the murderer, will say ‘but he was always so quiet.’ They always are, these high school murderers. Ugly because your story contains terrible truth.

You have horror/thriller/suspense writing down to a fine art, tricking the reader into a sense of safety and them tipping them over into a world of serious unpleasantness. We start out thinking Todd is just out and about, and notices a building collapse. He has a slight war with his conscience about whether he should investigate the weak cries for help. It was not his concern. – this is so true of people who come across a fight or an accident or something. They don’t want to get involved, don’t want to draw trouble to themselves. We all know what is right but sometimes we have to force ourselves to do it. At this point in the story we still have no idea what Todd’s about, especially when he comes across the red handbag – out of place, I expect – and his stomach does a flip. As a popular hang-out for teenagers he’s come to the sudden realisation, the building has possibly claimed a victim.

It’s the rather cool appraisal of the arm running with blood and the swinging bag that alerts us to the possibility of this scene not quite being the terrible accident it first appears to be. This is followed quickly by he could see her head was at an odd angle which I found to be very cold and also knowing (using the pronoun instead of something like ‘the young woman’s head’ which seems a little more ‘I don’t know who this person is’), and then not very pretty anymore. This could just be a general observation that matted hair isn’t pretty but it’s loaded with fact and spite now that we’ve read the entire paragraph.

Still, it did remain a surprise to have Todd answer her panic with the affirmative. And even then, once we realised he was probably responsible for the tragedy he still seems to have a moment of conscience that he has to strangle her. Or maybe we should read that as some sort of annoyance that he had to take such a direct hand in the death?? Hard to tell.

Not content with having the reader made uneasy over the fact Todd is on the one hand seen as a quiet, cowardly guy (and his earlier (re)actions kind of help that) and on the other a killer, you throw us for a loop again when we find out that this girl is the fifth to have died by his hand (direct and otherwise). Ho-ly…. What makes the story extra chilling here is the total lack of remorse plus his judgement of their character. Interesting, in my mind, was the fact we really only see the motive clearly when Todd thinks about the sixth victim – the girl who’d called him names. I don’t believe, however, he’s reached a point where he has no other recourse but to do what he does, as if he’s been pushed to the limit, so I have a total lack of empathy for him. He’s an out and out killer, enjoying himself.

I liked the way that the log-line matches the plot. We might wonder how on earth Todd’s been given free rein to murder but that’s all because (I believe, anyway) of how people perceive him. A coward, a quiet boy – well, who’d have any suspicion he’s doing what he’s doing? Therefore he has free rein (rather than ‘reign’, though that’s oddly suitable too).


*Crown* Suggestions
The line about the scalpel puzzled me. It’s right out of the blue, even though we know he’s a calculating killer, and doesn’t seem to fit in with the story in as much as we don’t know what he’s previously done with it or what he’s about to do. It shows up and that’s it. I get that we’re probably supposed to wonder what the heck he’s done and is about to do but I don’t think it actually added much to the story. We’re already wondering about the other four girls, and there’s enough horror combined with them and with the new girl and with the forthcoming girl to not require something so specific. I would suggest Cheap bitches. stand fully on its own, and then go to the forthcoming girl.



*Crown* Closing Comments
Your horror/thriller/suspense stories always surprise and please. This one is no different and, as I mentioned at the start of this review, you’ve made this one even more horrible by having that ugly truth – that it’s always the quiet ones, the picked-on ones who end up this way – part of the story. Your descriptions came across quite clinical – nothing lyrical at all – and that just added to the atmosphere of horror and impending doom. And, of course, you took that prompt and ran with it. A really great read.


Thanks once again for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
102
102
Review of Rumor Has It...  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi kiyasama

I’m back with another House Stark ‘raid’ review for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window., this time for "Rumor Has It...Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I actually chose this because I’ve been reading some of your other comedy-tagged stories and enjoying them so much. This one I really love! It’s the perfect tale of 1. How the only way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone, and 2. How a secret told can easily become a monster of a rumour that is barely recognisable with regards to its origin. The progress from Alex and an older woman making out to Marcia and Alex up at Lover’s Cove with the chance of seeing underclothes comes across perfectly natural. All it takes is a word here and there (misheard or made up) and boom, Marcia will never be able to hide again! I loved how the girls immediately believed about Marcia and Alex – even if up until this point Marcia wasn’t really remembered by anyone. There is also, somewhat typically, that speck of joy at someone else’s misfortune; in this case, a much hated girl who could be taken down a peg or two! The story also illustrates who we tell secrets to - our best friends (which can vary day to day) - and also why - in the case of Barbara, to get in with a group of girls!

The rumour could have gone terribly wrong in several ways, and when Marcia spun about to see Alex right there I held my breath on the result, even if he was there with amused eyes. One suspects he knows exactly where the rumour started and Marcia’s bright red face and shield of books are rather telling signs. Her reaction was totally real – self-defence that is also rather incriminating! I didn’t say anything like that! totally means she said something else! Alex’s response is awesome. He’s not angry or defensive when he probably has right to be. Instead he reveals that part of the ‘rumour’ is incorrect. I love that he cuts her off to say it and then walks away with a chuckle. He’s a good sport. I doubt there’s more to it than that so it’s nice that he plays along. I, being a romantic, can always imagine there is more to it; he’s seen her rock-star smile and enjoys the fact the rumour started etc etc etc. Marcia’s sighing in contentment and daydreaming is a perfectly reasonable response!

In all, I found this a wonderfully funny and satisfying story, with a requisite happy ending. And isn’t it classic that because Marcia’s had a reasonably decent outcome she thinks a little gossip isn’t such a bad thing. I can’t help imagining what she’s going to do when Lindsay Martin hears!

Loved Whoa! cutting in on Marcia’s thoughts about herself; jerks the reader into the present as much Marcia herself. I also thought that the Get out! and Shut up! were perfect teenage-girl speak and superbly conveyed reactions and even implied facial reactions and hand gestures.

And you know what’s interesting – the reader mostly forgets that Alex Dumell possibly was making out with a teacher!! Which is rather just as well since you don’t mention it again.


*Crown* Suggestions
I expect that Marcia couldn’t see the features of the older woman because she had her face obscured by Alex’s head. If that’s so, then I’d be inclined to state that because I was a bit caught out when I read that Marcia was just a few feet from Alex and the woman and yet couldn’t really see the woman’s features. It’s not immediately clear that they are obscured, hence the puzzlement.


*Crown* Closing Comments
You write your short stories with magnificent twists, even when the genre is comedy. We are led to believe the rumour is going to be something of a down-fall for Marcia but it comes out wildly in her favour. For that, I’m happy. You still got across the point that rumours can go crazy but you gave it a pleasing outcome. It’s also pretty clear you’ve got the portrayal of high-school girls down pat!


I really enjoyed this story and seeing how you wrote to the prompt. Really nicely done.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
103
103
Review of One Night in Hell  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kiyasama

I’m back with another House Stark ‘raid’ review for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window., this time for "One Night in HellOpen in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Your title caught my interest here – One Night in Hell and yet it’s a comedy. Intriguing! Funnily enough, I think we get to see how this night becomes one in Hell right from the first couple of sentences. We’ve got a cocky young man expecting the perfect night. He’s all dolled up, sure of his looks, and has the perfect car to round out the top three. I expect you worked hard on the name; Brandon LeBrock sounds just like a cocky high-school student who thinks highly of himself. I appreciated he had to muster the courage to speak to the woman; that showed just a little speck of ‘humility/shyness’ and allowed me a moment of ‘oh bummer, it’s all going to go to pot for him.’

I did not see where this little change in date was going so you definitely piled on the drama and suspense, and Brandon’s own inner thoughts provided the comedy. The present tense telling helps bring the reader right into the story as if we’re a fly on the wall. I thought Brandon’s What the hell…?! when the second girl scrambled into the car was remarkably apt. He’s about reached the point where it can’t get much more bizarre; I think if he’d said it out loud it’d have come out in a whispered breath.

The kid’s got guts; I’d have bailed on the date!! And I’m surprised he doesn’t when his balls shrivel *Smile* He is reluctant in pulling away from the driveway but perhaps the lure of becoming a man stays as a tiny speck. Or maybe the woman’s just scary enough that Brandon has no recourse but to obey. How old is she, by the way? I’m imagining something like thirties from the description and use of ‘woman’!

I love how a big part of Brandon’s thoughts remain on his dad – how he’s gonna kill him for the smoke smell and then again for being involved with cops. He never seems to be worried that the women might do it! This story could easily have gone truly to Hell but you’ve made the new date, Sam, a little relaxed and humorous on her own. Though she ends up in cahoots with another criminal she doesn’t seem the violent type. And – to Brandon’s ‘chagrin’ but to my amusement – she even plants a kiss on his cheek and apologises. I reckon she’d have gone with the plan and made him a man! I get the feeling Brandon might slow down in his race to become a man after this incident. And, I must say, he’s got some guts if he starts his story to his dad the way he’s thinking of doing so. I think his dad is either going to cuff him round the ear for being a total idiot or break down into laughter at the thought. I don’t think sitting in the jail cell is the end to Brandon’s night in hell!!

By the way, I do like the way you’ve ended the story, with a repetition of sorts of the beginning. It’s a nice tidy closure, and yet allows the reader to imagine that meeting between dad and son.


*Crown* Suggestions
I’ve noticed that you use the interrobang rather a lot. Six times in fact in this particular story. It stands out like a sore thumb. As much as I like it (I think it has its place) there’s a point when it’s kind of all I saw in punctuation. I think the ?! works great for the two times it’s used with Brandon’s thoughts (What?! when we learn Ashley is married and What the hell…?! when the new girl jumps in the backseat), but not so much in speech. I think you could use italics or even a dialogue tag to illustrate the shock conveyed by the ?! in those places.

I think the moment Sam orders Brandon to make a stop at the 7-11 needs to be attached to the previous paragraph, because as it stands Sam snaps the phone shut and barks loudly. We have to read on to find that she doesn’t actually bark.

All I wanted was to lose my virginity tonight. – ‘tonight’ feels superfluous tacked on at the end. I’d either remove it or change its position, putting it between ‘wanted’ and ‘was’, giving the exact timeframe more importance.

“s***,” the girl in the backseat curses. – with ‘curses’ at the end of this sentence it’s hard to read this as a replacement for ‘said’. Put it first, as in “s***,” curses in the girl in the backseat. or middle, as in “s***,” the girl curses from the backseat.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a funny story that could easily have turned into a real Hell. You maintained the humour through-out with Brandon’s thoughts and reactions, and even the way the night turned out came across as humorous since besides the odd gunshot there’s no real vibe of violence. We leave the hero musing how he’s going to explain to his father just why he’s picking his son up from a jail cell. I had some suggestions but, aside from that ever-present interrobang, they didn’t really deter my reading enjoyment


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
104
104
Review of The Lake  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi kiyasama

The awesome "King's Landing updating Open in new Window. is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "The LakeOpen in new Window. comes from fabulous House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
It constantly amazes me how people can draw a story out of a little prompt, and take that story anywhere. The prompt The Lake is written to seems innocuous but rather than telling a boring little tale of two lovers sharing a moment (that’d have been me!) you took the horror route and nailed it – twice over, if you ask me. Horror wears many faces. You’ve chosen the monster ‘face’ – unidentified, unknown, terrifying and murderous that seems to be coupled with a cosy little town that is possibly a little too cosy for anyone’s benefit. Though you don’t out and out lay suspicion on the town’s folk I felt a certain uneasiness in the way they whole-heartedly and, to a man, didn’t believe the Ruddingtons. That sort of atmosphere – where a town is arrayed against outsiders or has some dark secret – reminds me of the movie Hot Fuzz. It was supposed to be a comedy but I found it really unnerving and a whole lot disturbing. Maybe I’m just suggestable?

Anyway… that was the first horror I felt with this story. The second was right at the end; not when the action gets hot with Daniel but with Maryann patiently waiting for his return. I’m not sure if it’s the change from past tense to present tense or the fact that Maryann seems way too calm or the duration of her wait, but I got a chill reading it. Has she gone crazy? Does she actually know what the monster is? Did she organise it all? Nothing in what you’ve written suggests any of this (the earlier half mad with grief has good cause) and so I commend you for putting extra thoughts into my mind without really trying. And in honesty I’m not a fan of lakes and ponds, especially when they’re all smooth and glassy; so I can take your words and twist them round all over the place!

We start with a bang, with Maryann pleading with her husband to stay away from the lake. We don’t immediately know how it might happen or why she’s so afraid but our interest is caught. Why does a story written to a prompt about catching fish open with such panic? But you don’t leave us hanging very long; we learn why her husband is going – to catch the monster than killed their daughter. The anger, grief and panic of the couple are portrayed clearly and strongly, allowing the reader to get a sense themselves.

I appreciated that you didn’t forget the prompt. Death of a child and chasing a monster aside, this story is about catching a fish. You give nice descriptions of that particular action, fitting to the prompt. I was kind of surprised when Daniel rocked out the gun as it’s not your usual fishing tool (well, not where I am from anyway) but then again – once he’d caught the monster, how was he going to kill it????? I had a brief moment of wondering what sort of monster would take a lure but I guess that’s not really important. Interestingly, we never get a picture of the monster. Terrifying is all we get, and that could be anything. Quite a handy word; it can mean so much and I’m sure everyone who reads this story has a different image in their mind!

You’ve got a lot of ambiguity in this story, which draws a very thin line between being a bit frustrating and clever. Frustrating because the reader (me) has to untwist so many things (or make them up) in my mind. I appreciate a story that leaves me to work some things out but this story has a lot of it. I’ve already mentioned the possibility of the weird townsfolk and Maryann’s strange calmness at the end. But another one is in the first ending – when the lake goes all silent and still after Daniel fires his gun. This ending has the reader expecting that the monster is dead and Daniel has triumphed. There’s nothing to suggest otherwise, especially with …for the rest of his life. in play. Then to suddenly be with Maryann two days later we’re like what?! and have to re-read to see if we missed something, which we didn’t. So… maybe the monster didn’t die after all and took Daniel. Yet, the story is clever because of these things too – there are twists and turns everywhere. This is a suspenseful story, and I wouldn’t say change any of it; just beware frazzling your readers’ brains.


*Crown* Suggestions
There were a couple of things that niggled at my reading flow.

No one knew where it had come from, but something […] away their only daughter last week. – the niggling point is ‘last week’. Positioned at the end of the sentence it feels like it takes a week to get there, and also a little out of place. I had to re-read the sentence to make sure I’d got it right. I would really recommend it get shifted to between ‘but’ and ‘something’ to state the timeframe earlier in the reading. But also… this loss of Ellie happened only a week before current events. That kind of feels too quick – does it give time for police to search the lake or for the townsfolk to begin to look at the Ruddingtons with suspicion?

Everyday, he would look out to the lake… – firstly, ‘every day’ rather than ‘everyday’ but also I think you need to use ‘Daniel’ rather than ‘he’. The paragraphs preceding this relate to the back-story about the loss, the police, the couples’ struggle. The ‘he’ sounds like it could be anybody, but ‘Daniel’ would reintroduce one of the main characters.

…happy families sharing their dinners. and You stole my happiness from me. – nothing wrong grammatically but these two sentences coming one after the other made me wonder who the ‘you’ is in Daniel’s speech. It reads like he means the ‘happy families’ – which is probably why I started being suspicious of the townsfolk. Maybe something like he growled to the water… would take care of that, directing where that comment lies.

…since she last saw him.. – since we’re back at Maryann’s point of view I think we need to have ‘Daniel’ or ‘her husband’ here. Otherwise, frankly, she could be waiting for the monster!


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is the type of story to make one even more wary around lakes! It’s heavily suspenseful and we don’t even get a good view of the monster; that in itself lends the monster more terror because the reader creates their own image. Yay! The emotions are clearly drawn and we understand why Daniel feels he must go on the hunt. Maryann’s right to be severely distressed, having witnessed the loss of her daughter in the first place but her final reaction/action shades her in a slight uneasy light. This is a brilliant closing cliff-hanger (and in fact the ending with the lake going still would have been a powerful closing cliff-hanger too). A clever story!


Kindest regards
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
105
105
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Terminology and ResourcesOpen in new Window.; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Well, you might think me totally weird for reviewing this piece about poetry, because I’m barely a poet and I rarely review poetry. I do, however, like to read poetry; just can’t make my brain act magically enough to write, outside of basic syllabic forms (like the tetractys and cinquain)!

And so when I saw this in your port, I had to read it and I found it very informative. I learned a lot of these terms in various English Lit classes and in fact I’ve kept my ‘Glossary of Terms’ from one of my classes, and refer to it now and then. However, when I read or write or review poetry all of that goes out the window, and I don’t feel qualified to do any of the three. This item sheds light on poetry mechanics, and provides extra resources at the bottom (to external webpages and to WDC members). I have made it a favourite so that it will be on hand whenever I make a foray into reviewing poetry.


*Crown* Suggestions
I did have issues with some of the formatting.

I’m by no means a digital person but when I’m on the web I’ve come to expect that something underlined – unless it is clearly just a heading – will be a hyperlink to more data. None of your underlined sections are links. The green headings look perfectly like headings but those in black could be confused for links. There are only so many ways one can individualise a heading and make it clear that it’s a heading but the colour you use helps with that and even a change in font size implies a heading. Basically, make it plain (or as plain as possible) to the reader what they’re seeing and can do.

Aside from the underlining of your first-section terms making me think they were links, I also thought they were highlighted too similarly to the real headings. The use of bold makes them visible enough (If not, then ‘consonance’ in the first section needs to be underlined to bring it in line with the others there. And why is the first section underlined and the second section not?), You’re probably trying to save space in this item, but I’d also recommend putting a space between each term. The centring of the information does make it visually appealing but a gap between the terms will generally make things easier to read, easier to skim down the list to find the term we’re after.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Well, for me, this was a quite a find. Normally I focus on reviewing novels or short stories but like to break out of my mould now and then to review out of my comfort zone – such as poetry or even forums. This little item of yours is going to go a long way in (re)educating me so that my poetry reviews are stronger and more informed. I often babble about how the poem made me feel, but with Terminology and Resources at my fingertips I can delve deeper into the mechanics and not feel quite like a dolt for doing so.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
106
106
Review of Being First  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Being FirstOpen in new Window.; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This strikes a chord, as I’m sure all of the reviewers have said, and I think you’ve got it right. When we know someone personally the affect is much harder on us. This is a very sad tale, and reading this now it still sounds like you are in shock over the event. I think that should be absolutely no surprise at all. Some things are burned into our psyche.

But even when someone famous dies before their time (car accident or something like that) that is also a major shock. You might not know them personally but often they were such a big part of your exterior life that it’s hard to believe/come to terms with. It’s almost ‘but they’re famous! How did that happen?’ Almost like we expect them to be immortal. I don’t recall seeing the Challenger tragedy live, but even though I was just eleven I knew all about it because it had such a worldwide audience/interest. However, I watched with shock when Columbia blew up. I really hate watching live events like this now because of that minute possibility that something utterly horrible will go wrong. There’s a little bit of me that just can’t cope with that possibility. I live behind my eye-covering fingers.

You have put a very human front on this tragedy, reminding the reader that the astronauts aboard Challenger had lives and families and plans. It’s a very sad but moving tribute, and brought tears to my eyes – not just because of Christa’s loss but because of the loss felt by her friends and by the children, the not knowing what happened but knowing things would be different. It’s heart-wrenching. And it made me recall my visit to the Johnson Space Centre last year. We went on a tour of the site and stopped at a little park where there were two circles of trees – one commemorating those lost in the Challenger disaster and one for those lost with Columbia. Just trees, but I had to wipe tears away. It is heart-warming to know they will never be forgotten.


*Crown* Suggestions
You know what my only suggestion is? If these are your memories of that day, then write them as that. Don’t say it’s fiction based on fact or you’ll get people trying to tell you how to write it; and this piece shouldn’t really be subject to that sort of critique (beyond any spelling errors).


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a beautiful piece of heart-felt writing. And for someone who likes history, this is also a fascinating read. I am distanced from the event so to get closer through first-hand accounts and memories means a lot; it makes Christa more than just a name and for that I am really glad.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
107
107
Review of Framing  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "FramingOpen in new Window.; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This is a lovely story of someone trying to turn their life around and not going into meltdown when it’s not a smooth road. I think that’s a measure of a person – how they react to adversity.

Your Tommy is the kind of person we’d all like to know, full of humility, strength, loyalty, honesty. Even without Jimmy being portrayed perfectly as a pompous prat we’d be on Tommy’s side; we want the underdog to win. That you’ve made him worthy of winning just makes us like him more. It’s a really strong portrayal of a character, with appropriate backstory threaded through. Thought there seemed a speck of jealousy on Tommy’s part as we learned of Jimmy’s prowess, but that that was quite natural, and Jimmy’s actions make him a complete bozo in the end.

I like how this story is told. We open with Jimmy going to screw up Tommy’s opportunity before a short instance of back-story to set the scene. The whole fixing the barn section is a bit of a waffle and might not be overly understandable to the common reader but it does provide the basis for Tommy’s dedication and his value to Mrs Bennett. We’ve got him on his feet after this and thinking that all is going to be fine before he takes a second hit; and it’s now that we hear about his family and his drive to prove himself better than that, even with a broken arm.

Jimmy is a massive spanner in the works but Tommy refuses to lash out. He acts honourably, even in the supermarket. Well, that bit almost had tears come to my eyes. It’s horrible to think of the humiliation he must have felt even though he’d done nothing wrong. I just wanted to punch that rotten Jimmy’s face. (By the way, making a reader feel for a character scores big points with me *Smile*) And when Mr Thompson comes around with Gina we see more of that humility and quiet strength; Tommy is all about apology and honesty.

The attraction between Tommy and Gina felt a little out of the blue. Had he noticed her before, maybe, and thought her out of his ‘league’? Or did their attraction really only stem from the hours talking? I love it being here (I am a romance writer) but I’d like a little bit more reason for it.

Great closing lines! We get the feeling that Jimmy Rodgers is not going to win, and we’ve got proof again that Tommy is hardworking, loyal, determined. He’s supposed to start the next night but will show up straight away. I think Mr Thompson is about to find he has the best employee ever!


*Crown* Suggestions
Just some typos that need to be tidied up, along with a request for clarification.

I had busted trough… – I think you’re after ‘through’ here?

I took a dive off one of a roof truss… – I think this would read better if ‘one of’ were removed. We know there’s more than one truss, so you don’t need to state that he dives off ‘one of’ them.

they made poor choices… – capitalise ‘they’. By the way, this section dealing with Tommy’s father and grandfather is brilliantly told. We hear of hard times and stubbornness (it’s understandable how upset the grandfather is) and how things deteriorated to the point where Tommy’s father tries to drown his issues. It’s crystal clear Tommy is headed down this route too (and he says it later on with regards to being a bar fixture). We understand the strength Tommy has to muster to raise himself above this family history.

I addition to my work… – ‘In’ rather than ‘I’.

What are looking at? – sounds like a classic Jimmy-the-bully moment!! But you’re missing ‘you’ I think.

My son will be there to let you in. – love this piece from Mr Thompson – giving Tommy a job and a lifeline – but put a closing speech mark at the end.

Will he be there tonight?... – who is ‘he’? I thought maybe he meant Mr Thompson’s son but since he is going to be letting Tommy in, it can’t be him. Because of that, this is quite out odd.

…small packet of hamburg… – I am presuming this should be ‘hamburger’, since that’s how it was written early.

… we managed to bun away an hour or so… – ‘burn’ rather than ‘bun’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a great story, and the title fits all aspects of it too; from the actual framing of the barn to Tommy framing his life with back-story snapshots. I also expected to see a little bit of Jimmy framing Tommy for something. We don’t see that but Jimmy does have Tommy in the frame for his needling! Can’t say I’ve seen a more apt title in ages. The typos don’t really distract from the reading because Tommy is such a strong character and the story is told so well, but they do need to be fixed, just to make this more perfect.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
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108
Review of River Run  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "River RunOpen in new Window.; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I chose this story because I remember when I did this PDG contest, and how I was hoping a flash of inspiration would hit me as I perused the photos. It did – eventually! I wish you’d been able to keep the photo that you wrote this story to. Was it rain? A river? People in canoes?

I loved the humour that’s apparent in this story! With the character not wanting his partner to show him up and Gabby cracking a joke about not wanting to break in a new partner. It was nice banter in a serious moment. The general conversation was also very natural. And the scary occurrence sounds like a ‘day in the life’ sort of thing that’s not so serious after all.

I was confused a little about what the pair were out to do, beyond taking the measurements, so I probably fuddled my way through the story, relying on you being able to describe events for my understanding. I think in the most part you did this okay, and you did describe the flash flood part well, right down to the character’s reaction. Man, it’s a job I’d never sign up for!!! I also liked how they made use of the natural resources afterward – using the water to get around taking photos of things that people wouldn’t normally see.

The ending was quite nice – that moment of ‘things didn’t quite go to plan but, hey, we’re alive so who cares?’ And, as I mentioned above, they benefited from the change of plan!


*Crown* Suggestions
This story vacillates between simple past tense and present tense, and I found that a bit jarring. This is most apparent in the paragraph beginning We were setting up at the bottle neck… I think you need to stick with the simple past tense here so that flow is steady. The constant swapping feels a bit like we’re being bashed by the wall of water.

Also watch out for repetitive statements. When the water is rushing down towards our two characters we actually get three instances of it and their reactions: Before we had a chance to register what was going on, we were under a wall of water…, followed in the next paragraph by The advancing wall of water hit like a freight train. Before we had time to react… which is followed in the next paragraph by My world had changed before I could register what was going on. I love the ‘freight train’ analogy but it’s buried by the repetition. I recommend merging these three paragraphs – explain the shock, explain the wall of water and what it does/sounds like, explain the reaction, explain the outcome (from the preparations) but don’t repeat anything.

The opening sentences made it sound like we’d get straight into what the character had never seen, but we don’t. It’s not until half way into the story (and the next day) that we understand what this statement means and I think that’s too late. You could still use both sentences; they’d fit with Gabby’s comment about the flash flood warning. The character’s thoughts could be in response to that news.

My stomach reached… – ‘reacted’ rather than ‘reached’ and this sentence also contains more repetition about registering what happened.

… surges tend to loose their force. – ‘lose’ rather than ‘loose’.

With the rest of the day a bust […] to enjoy the rest of the day. – another moment where you’re a bit repetitive. And, obviously, the rest of the day isn’t really a bust. You could do something like Unable to carry on with taking measurements, we did…

It’s Beautiful. – a little b here.

… and some times that’s all that counts. – ‘sometimes’ rather than ‘some times’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is an intriguing, suspenseful, and not a little bit scary, story. However it’s let down somewhat by the repetition and tense issues that keep the reader from finding an easy flow and understanding. I’ve got some suggestions up above but I’d also recommend reading the story out loud. Sometimes we don’t see issues but we hear them.


Don't hesitate to let me know if I need to clarify anything.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
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109
Review of Jolene!  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

I’m back with another review on behalf of House Stark. This time for "Jolene!Open in new Window.; and, as usual, associated with "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
A tough story to read. A lifetime of abuse only has a few outcomes when ‘too much’ has finally been reached. One might have expected suicide but Jolene is in fact a strong woman. She’s not had a great life but even so she won’t give it up, preferring to get rid of the cause of the bad life. It’s somewhat amazing that it doesn’t appear she has even thought along these lines before, but then again she’s probably been so busy trying to keep out of Ed’s way to have that cross her mind. And I guess she has her pride and sometimes that’s harder to break free from than anything else. The people at the hospital all but know something is going on and yet she won’t tell them, or can’t tell them. Some might say then that she has herself to blame for the continuing abuse but that’s harsh. You do what you do, and you’re the only one who knows.

We don’t see a lot of Jolene physically (hair, height, build etc), if at all, and that kind of helps portray her as simply a punching bag, unhuman, just a tool. It would have been interesting to have these things start to be revealed as she began to follow her plan. She is becoming a ‘real’ person rather than just a beer-deliverer and punching bag, fleshing out into someone who can live. Sounds like I’m being overdramatic here, I’m sure, but that’s just how I see what this decision does for her, and I’d have like to have seen it actually portrayed too.

I like how we start at the ‘end’ but get the backstory. We know how Jolene and Ed have reached this point in time, and understand how she has reached her limit. For a speck, I felt momentarily sorry for Ed. He’s not helped himself but it must be a hell of a shock to suddenly be cut off from work, no matter how it happens. I had thought, originally, that a lot of his brutality might have stemmed from his time in Vietnam (PTSD etc) but you don’t mention that at all, nor how he might be bitter over the loss of his sporting future. Mind you, it’s easier to blame atrocious behaviour on someone else and Jolene is right there.

By the end of the story I think most people would be on Jolene’s side. She does come across calm and cool but this can be attributed, I expect, to her finally reaching a way out for herself rather than cold-bloodness.


*Crown* Suggestions
I’m one of those readers who takes particular note of dates, times and timeframes. Getting things out of line is amazingly easy to do but not always easy to pick up. I know what dates should be when I’m writing but sometimes I get it wrong and don’t ‘see’ it. Your section about the pregnancy pricked at me, and it all comes down to the fact that it’s only a few weeks since Ed’s return that Jolene finds out she’s pregnant. Can someone know in that short amount of time, or is ‘a few weeks’ longer that I think that denotes (no more than three)? Because of that short timeframe I automatically read it as Jolene being pregnant to someone else! Guess I’d like a bit of clarification here. And later in the story, when Jolene is taking her pain pills, we learn that 2.5 weeks ago she had cracked ribs and a fractured arm. Is the arm still in a cast (or in whatever they brace arms with these days)? I’d have expected so but she’s not acting like she has issues (with the ribs either). If she’s still in pain she doesn’t really show it. The pills could just be going down without ‘reason’ now but if she’s still got the injury issues, illustrate them. Ram home how she’s come to this moment in time when she decides to use the pills on Ed. Perhaps she wavers and then looks at the cast, or feels a twinge, and that steels her mind?

There’s a couple of places where we’re suddenly in Ed’s POV (where we learn that he thinks everything is her fault and near the end when he figures she’s learned her lesson about beer delivery). It’s intriguing to get his side but there’s no clear swap between Jolene’s general POV and his, and it jars a little as we try to figure out where we are. I’d recommend you turn the few moments of Ed’s POV back into Jolene’s; it’s her story, after all. This is just one way you might re-do the latter: Cans ten and eleven were delivered on time, and Jolene was sure Ed simply figured she’d learned her lesson after the kitchen incident.

His voice carried through the house, and sent shivers up and down her spine every time he would yell. – I think you could remove ‘every time he would yell’. That’s expected, in any case, but I think the sentence packs a bigger punch without it.

The front of his paints were stained… – ‘pants’ rather than ‘paints’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
A difficult story, well told. We’re left without doubt about Jolene’s life and her final actions, and I think everyone probably mostly wonders how she has managed to hang on thus far! You know what I’d like to see? A sort of sequel, a ‘life after Ed’ kind of thing. Does Jolene cope (with what she has done and with the sudden freedom?) What does she do? Just a thought *Smile*


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
110
110
Review of Coffee Shop  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

"King's Landing updating Open in new Window. is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Coffee ShopOpen in new Window. comes from the Paper Doll Gang’s House Stark.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This is a lovely little story, but one that leaves many things unanswered (well, for inquisitive readers such as I). We often see people off in their own world but I don’t think many of us actually contemplate what that ‘world’ might be like. Do we even contemplate it when we’re in that world ourselves??? For me, I’m usually in my writing world, walking along with characters or trying to find the wording that will make a sentence shine. Occasionally, that world is as described here – whirling thoughts going round and round in space, trying to latch onto something that’s just there. It’s like something caught out of peripheral vision but when you turn to look, nothing’s there.

Drawing the woman into this extra world via the swirls in her drink is just the sort of natural way this might happen. How many of us have stared at those or even rain running down a window and entered the ‘portal’ that way? It’s beautifully written and very easy to ‘see’. The reader becomes a bit like her – intent on her world, yet feeling the mug and hearing the occasional chink of cutlery etc. We can feel/imagine/see this all very easily. And I think we can connect so easily with the woman because we’ve all done what she is doing, including in public.

We have no idea what this woman is searching for in her interstellar world but know that she has found it once. That’s how she knows it’s out there to be found. Our question is ‘what is she after?’ Hers is ‘where did I find it last time?’ We never find out what ‘it’ is but I expect most people will not find that an issue. Lots of times we’re searching for things we can’t put a name to.

I think you describe her world and her reactions just perfectly. Interruptions do filter in and we try to push them back, resent their intrusion, while struggling to keep a grasp on our other world (and usually an interruption is just when we’re about to grab whatever it is we’ve been after). Her response that she’s okay, was just…. Well, that’s what we all say and often trail off. How do you describe what you were doing? We try to keep it to ourselves, I think. Her companion’s concern is rather typical too, though I expect he’s probably used to it.

You added a twist, though, which I thought was really neat. A twist to me anyway. One might expect that the woman simply assimilates back into the ‘real’ world and converses with her partner like nothing has been going on. But she doesn’t. Even if she has shrugged off her other world, what was bothering her within it is still bothering her now. It’s quite a cliff-hanger ending, if you ask me, and unexpected but nice.


*Crown* Suggestions
I found a couple of sections that puzzled me and they’re really just here to ask for clarification.

She was still lost in time, but place was returning… – ‘place’ puzzled me. I had thought this sentence might be a bit of a play on ‘time and place’ but it still doesn’t make sense to me even so. I presume ‘place’ simply denotes that reality (including a physical placement) is kicking in. If so, then I would suggest using ‘reality’ instead just so the reader understands.

The voice was familiar, in more than one sense of the world. – did you mean ‘world’ here or ‘word’? The reader would be expecting ‘word’, generally, and when I read this sentence that’s how I’d been starting to read it. Reaching ‘world’ made me go back and re-read the sentence to see if I missed something. In actual fact I think ‘world’ works too, sort of sends the reader off into thinking of other worlds and other sorts of senses but I’m not sure that’s what you were after??

A left hand shifted from the mug… – the woman has one left hand. Using the indefinite article makes it sound a bit like she’d lifted one hand and had two more left hands still holding the mug. You could keep the indefinite ‘A’ if you removed ‘left’. Do we need to know which hand moved? If it’s a bit vague and still sort of sleepy then ‘a hand’ might convey that more appropriately.


*Crown* Closing Comments
I liked this story. You did a great job of showing that world within a world that we all have, and how we react when we’re drawn out it. The ending provides a little more intrigue, makes the reader wonder what is going on with the woman that it affects her outside of the inner world. Also makes the reader go ‘what is the question?’, so you keep us engaged with the story too.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
111
111
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h Author Icon

The awesome "King's Landing updating Open in new Window. is in full swing and you’ve been chosen as a recipient of a review raid. This review of "Rethinking TechnologyOpen in new Window. comes from fabulous House Stark (aka Paper Doll Gang).


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I was rather surprised to see that this article had not received any reviews! Maybe the youthful are scared of what you say. And perhaps they should be; they have grown up in a technical, digital world and rely on that to live their lives. I remember when we were happy with two TV channels, when us kids played out on the street with the neighbourhood kids (wow, back when it was normal to know our neighbours!). We got a Commodore 64 in the mid-eighties, that played games either on a giant floppy disk or through a tape deck and cell phones were WAAAYYY in the future. We knew how to write by hand, we knew how to spell, and we knew how to actually talk with people. Technologies back then helped people – the spinning washing machine verses the wringer, for example, but today they’re making us robots. Homo sapiens is the most clever of all living things? I doubt it, and the problem is with each year we’re making it worse. OMG, I’m going into my own rant.

Sorry, right, your last paragraph lists two of the main issues surrounding technology. The first is the cost of keeping up. I hear people with I Phones have to keep upgrading to the newest phone because updates can’t be loaded onto ‘older’ models, even if that model is only a year old. And the models are not cheap. You point out the astronomical price of ovens and other appliances that now have ‘old fashioned’ technologies that are brilliant, but that we have to pay extra for. How is that reasonable? And, it’s not like we’re earning more in order to cover the cost of these technologies that we once had or that we don’t really need. As you rightly ask: … is this growth sustainable? (I didn’t really see your opinion stated clearly on this question, though.)

Your second point is more valid and far more serious, in my opinion. Technology is making us dumb, and putting us out of a job! I work for a university and we have third year students (early twenties) who can’t spell or string sentences together. Twitter, texting – these things don’t care about normal speech and their very format forces you to dumb yourself down. While I might write L8 for ‘late’ I pedantically write out everything else. I’m educated, I’m intelligent; I kind of want people to know it!! I do admit that I am being dumbed down by my computer. I lost the ability to use my mouse one day and I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the keyboard shortcuts to do the most simple things when, once, that was all I had! Job losses come with technology too. They’re supposed to make our lives easier but they’re there to increase production. More production = more sales = more profit. Except it also puts people out of work, and then they’re no longer able to help boost those sales. It’s a bit of vicious circle, and there’s nobody to blame but ourselves – we drive the technology advances without the means to take any sort of control and have nothing in place for when it goes pear-shaped.

I’m not adverse to technology: I love my cell phone because it provides a sense of security for me whenever I’m out and about. It has internet and all that jazz but I use it for phone calls, texting (cause it’s cheaper in most cases than ringing) and taking photos because I don’t carry my camera around with me. I do appreciate Facebook because it has put me back in touch with old friends and of course I love the internet because I can now access things for my study that I could never hope to otherwise. But I have my limits. That is probably because I’m a seventies child and lived with less technology (quite successfully in fact). I can see where we’re going wrong, but the younger set don’t know any different. If we want to change the world, we have to change them first. Get the point across that they need to be able to live without technology; if for no other reason than what you’ve already mentioned: Technology is great … until the day it no longer works.


*Crown* Suggestions
I spotted a couple of typos, but otherwise I have no problem with the structure of this article. When you’re writing your own opinion/thoughts, who can quibble about how you write it?

… even though they have not used in in three or four years. – first ‘in’ needs to be ‘it’.

… only encourages us to through them away. – ‘throw’ rather than ‘through’.

I did wonder about ‘teeter tauter’ as I’d expect to see ‘teeter totter’ but that just may be the difference in country spelling!!


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is an article that more people should read; it really gets the blood pumping and thoughts flowing. World focus is often on war and poverty, as it should, but technology is another thing that is becoming a blight. And it links with war and poverty in many ways. I loved reading this article, Turtle, loved finding someone else who thinks there’s an issue!! It’s certainly not drivel, and I would like to see if you’ve got any further opinions now that we’re almost three years from the date of creation, whether or not your opinion has changed over time, or if your writing group is now using Twitter!


Many kind regards,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
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112
Review of The Bridge  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angus Author Icon

It is my pleasure to be spoiling you on your birthday with a House Stark review of "The BridgeOpen in new Window.. It is, as usual, for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This has to be one of the creepiest stories I’ve read and there’s not even any out and out blood, guts, gore, ghosts or anything that would send a shiver up a spine in the usual fashion. No, this is much worse; it’s all about premeditation and out-in-the-open premeditation at that! Joey is all but told that if he crosses the bridge he’s gonna get eaten (a plot as openly revealed as I’ve ever seen), but he’s told so innocently he thinks nothing of it. The best evil plans are those laid in plain sight!!

And the reader got as much of a shock as poor Joey did with the ending. We might have suspected the troll story was true but I’m not sure anyone would quite think Tim has such a major role in it! Well, this reader didn’t, and the surprise made Tim’s apology for the lack of a ‘fat feed’ extra creepy and callous.


*Crown* Suggestions
I’m not entirely sure why Joey asks ‘What’s that over there?’ when he’s pointing to the brick path. It’s a brick path; what more is there to it? Maybe he should ask ‘Where does that lead?’?

I know a logical reader would be able to identify who is saying what but I was minutely puzzled with the ‘See?’ If we’re going in Joey, Tim, Joey, Tim, Joey, Tim order then that ‘See?’ looks, in the first instance, as if it belongs to Tim because the previous section is about Joey. Long ramble… but I’d like to have ‘See?’ stuck up on the same line as Joey’s hesitant steps.

... and dragged the screaming child back under the bridge. – I’m probably not going to explain this too well but this sentence starts off with Joey as the subject (as ‘he’ and ‘him’) and ends with him as the object (the ‘screaming child’); it makes the whole thing read a little awkwardly. I’m including a re-write suggestion only because I hate saying that something seems wrong without offering a solution: But as soon as he reached the middle, the troll jumped out, grabbed him around the waist and dragged him, screaming, back under the bridge. The troll remains secondary through-out.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Well, I can see why this won The Daily Flash Fiction when it was entered! It’s a wickedly neat story, with a stunning ending. Though I do have some queries they didn’t really stop my reading enjoyment and certainly didn’t prevent my appreciation of how well you spin a tale.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
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113
Review of A Sandy Funeral  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus Author Icon

It is my pleasure to be spoiling you on your birthday with a House Stark review of "A Sandy FuneralOpen in new Window.. It is, of course, for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
Love to see that not all of your short stories have a horror bent to them, and I’m not at all surprised that you write non-horror just as well as that genre! Though… this one has a possible ‘what’s going on here? Is he really innocent?’ sort of feel to it. You keep up that suspense right to the end when the reader realises that the buried Sandy is a dog.

Angus, I love that you give your all to every story no matter the size of it. Each story is complete, and this littlie is no different; it has a full arc. You’ve got fabulous opening lines that catch the reader’s attention, a great middle with some back-story and conflict (mostly on the reader’s part as to your innocence), and a perfect ending that ties the story together. I like how you take us on a ride through several different emotions and involve us directly in the plot, correcting our thoughts (because we’ve all pretty much been thinking them, even if the tag line of the story says the narrator is not the killer!).


*Crown* Suggestions
This is probably not something you can do easily without giving away the sneaky plot, but I would have liked to read why Sandy’s eyes were beautiful. If they melted the narrator’s heart then they should take more of a role in the story.

I also wonder how it took three hours to dig a grave in sand. I know the duration adds strength to the suspense, but I didn’t think sand was that difficult to dig so it reads just a little iffy.


*Crown* Closing Comments
Besides my queries/suggestions above, I still think this is a wonderful little story and a great example of how you can pack so much plot and suspense in just a few hundred words!


Happy Birthday *Cake*!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
114
114
Review of The Deal  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Angus Author Icon

It is my total pleasure to be spoiling you on your birthday with a House Stark review of "The DealOpen in new Window.. It is, of course, for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
When I read your opening lines I was reminded of a couple of comments in both The Daily Slice and Screams contest forums on how ‘surprising’ it was that an open prompt always garnered more entries. Difficult, I think, for the judges to base a coherent ‘best’ judgement on very random pieces but good for the contestants. Sometimes!! You’ve hit the nail on the head. As much as we like to think an open prompt will open the flood gates, sometimes all that floods is in nothingness, followed by panic.

I am rather of the opinion, having read this funny little tale, that when my muses are absent I should not call them back, and I certainly should not make bargains with them. I so loved how you managed to combine ‘supernatural’ (the muse part) with reality (the panicked writer doing what they must in order to write) into a scary, funny and moral tale! I also think you’ve done the most perfect job of illustrating the bargain! I’m kind of reminded of those poems that are written in the shape of the thing they’re about. This story works on that same premise with the spelling and typing faltering as the digits reduce in number and the amount of blood flows quicker. A muse can be a hard taskmaster, as you found out!

Interestingly, you never actually mention the exact details of the deal that you’ve made, so the reader must presume that the muse is giving ideas in return for blood in a sort of ‘no pain, no gain’ deal. At 212 and two fingers down, it’s a pretty bum deal and you are beginning to regret. I kind of like the fact that you’re obviously honourable enough to soldier on *Smile*

I loved Hey, you can always take a toe, Angus. in response to Angus’ ‘complaint’ his loss of fingers is going to hinder him. And the final condescending-yet-caring comment from the muse is just a perfect ending to the story.


*Crown* Suggestions
Well, you’re quite sneaky here, you know. The spelling errors that creep in early could be part of the plot or could be straight out spelling errors! The reader is probably ready to nit-pick and then, wham, they see what the problem is. And you know what? The story is still perfectly readable, so who cares about spelling! We can’t see the blood, can’t smell it, can’t see the gruesome line-up of digits but we can see the result and it’s brilliant.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This is a wonderful little story, one of truckloads in your port. It’s amusing and horrible all in one, with the very way the story is told illustrating the plot so much better than straight out description can. You don’t say, but I hope this won that particular round. I’d hate to see what your muse did if you didn’t!!

Happy Birthday!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
115
115
Review of 12 years asleep  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi JosieGitsune Author Icon

I've just read " 12 years asleepOpen in new Window., and am pleased to offer this review. It’s in association with House Stark for the wonderful contest: "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
One of my House Stark teammates actually sent me the link because I’m a fan of stories that combine real/fantasy. I must admit I did spend a bit of time puzzled about what was going on and just who (or what) the female character since it is not really until the final few sentences of the first half of the story that you mention she is a cloud-drifter. I had thought briefly if she was a sort of ‘spirit’ type, and I guess she is sort of that.

The second half of the story purports to give an insight into her world and it does. This cloud-drifter can obviously take on a (solid) human form and delights (with a disarming childlike nature) in human things, events, senses. However, she also seems to be part of the weather herself, or rather a cloud. And in this way, she is – as the narrator points out – living a pretty unstable life. I get the feeling she is also misunderstood a lot and never really taken seriously. She’s powerful in her own right and fickle – accepting people and then pushing them away very quickly. When she talks about attitude, that’s when she explains some of her fickle nature. And this sort of to/fro nature explains the ‘lonely’ mentioned at the beginning of this half of the story.

I really liked the colloquial way this story was told (I love first person narrators anyway!), especially with those little aside moments when you brought in the reader (‘you’); it felt like I was being let into a secret of sorts. And being a dreamer, I understood that whole thing about ‘don’t wake her up’. Waking a deep dreamer can be disastrous, as you pointed out.

You know, when reading this, I kept thinking of the poem ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud’, and had to go look it up as the title seemed to convey both the cloud-drifter and the narrator who also seems a bit lonely. The poem is very nature-oriented and also about, I think, how we take things for granted and never give them the time of day. In my more fantastical mood, I think it fits well with your story. Here’s one link I found: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174790

She was still sleeping when I met her again – this is a fabulously catchy opening sentence!! It brings up all the right questions – who, why, how long etc, and hooks the reader in. And in actual fact the final words of the story act as a hook too. A sort of ‘lie’ told by the narrator to appease the cloud-drifter, a flash of magic even that he’s seeing the leaf colours in her eyes as if she is the one bringing life to the leaves.


*Crown* Suggestions
I really like the idea of a personified cloud/dream sort of character, but don’t forget to be a bit more clear on where the ‘real’ human (in this case, the narrator) comes into it. Give a little bit of his background – how is he able to wake the drifter, talk to her, be with her? Has he got special skills? Is he sort of like a wrangler, a kind of controller? (For the record, he comes across rather in love!)

Also, as the beginning of a short story this is really catchy but I’m intrigued to see how it grows into that short story, with a beginning, middle, end. At the moment, this little piece feels a bit haphazard and I’m not sure I can see a plot within it, or rather how a plot will grow out of it. Is the narrator her guardian, he is trying to control her, is he just in love with her and that’s why he keeps coming back, does she have a purpose etc. You don’t need those things in this ‘beginning’ but if you’re going to continue it (and I hope you do) then start thinking about where you’ll go with it (and do let me know when you’re there because I’d love to read a longer version!)

I would suggest putting spaces between your paragraphs, just to make reading easier, and I had wondered whether Hazy eyes. should be ‘hazel eyes’? I think I expected a colour here even though I would also expect she has hazy eyes, so am just after some clarification.


*Crown* Closing Comments
This was quite a refreshing change from other fantastical stories I’ve read, and probably quite unique. I would love to see where you take it and do hope you continue writing it. I also can’t wait to see what you name the cloud-drifter (if indeed you do) because it looks to me as if she’ll only accept a name that is just perfectly right!


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
116
116
Review of The Terrible Gift  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi 🐕GeminiGem🎁 Author Icon

It is my total pleasure to offer you this House Stark review of "The Terrible GiftOpen in new Window. to celebrate your birthday *Cake2* I hope you have a wonderful day. The review is, of course, for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I only have a half personal connection with cancer – my mum had a mastectomy in July of 2013, and I am fortunate that it wasn’t a genetic instance. I wrote two poems on how I felt because poetry was the only format I could find that enabled me to express my feelings (which was a revelation since I’m not a poet). Your poem is sadly a first-hand experience but, you know, the thoughts and feelings, questions and puzzlement that you have written reminded me of how I felt and I draw strength from this. Cancer was once a very ‘alone’ thing but we no longer let it be like that. By writing down your thoughts and feelings you’re giving the disease a kick in the face that it won’t beat you.

The Terrible Gift is a very simple poem, written straight from the heart; powerful and sad and hopeful all in one. And angry too in that you’ve been given something you didn’t want and that you can’t give back. Your life was turned upside down out of the blue and your second stanza very clearly describes what the ‘gift’ has done. You know, it’s odd that people don’t seem to think in terms of money but you’re totally right that there is a heavy financial burden that comes with this disease. I appreciate that you don’t gloss over that, or any of the other facts that result from the gift.

The pairs of statements are superb, Leah, superb! I am sure so many readers have nodded to them and even if they have not experienced cancer they will know someone who has dealt with these feelings, or have even dealt with them resulting from another sort of tragedy. It’s flight or fight; we want to do both and are torn over what to do and what people will think. We shouldn’t hide that, and I hope people reading this poem get that message.


*Crown* Suggestions
Man, who could make a suggestion on a poem written so from the heart like this one is? Hang on, I do have a suggestion – write more poetry. You’re amazing at it!


*Crown* Closing Comments
Leah, this is a beautiful poem about the shock and struggles and fights when one has been given cancer. Gosh, that sounded slightly off but I mean that I love and appreciate how you haven’t shied away from the shitty side of the disease, all those behind-the-scenes things that your friends and neighbours, sometimes even family, don’t get to see and don’t understand. It’s inspiring. *Ribbonp*


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
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117
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon

Back again, this time with a review of "That the Blind Might SeeOpen in new Window., which is the companion piece to The Choice so I couldn’t not review! It’s a House Stark review (surprise!) for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window. and I once again wish you the happiest anniversary.


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This story begs for a sequel! Not just to tell the story of Binda and Skie as they attempt to make a new life, but also to tell the story of the sprites and the Unseeing and how it all came about. It’s a fascinating premise that could become so much more.

Quite aside from that, this short story stands fully on its own. It’s a well-fleshed plot – we learn about Binda and her life and beliefs, we learn about the Unseeing and see that perhaps they’re not all as unseeing as the world would have us believe, we learn about prejudice and hope, and that sometimes doing what is right is against the rules. Binda is a strong character, dedicated and loyal but also willing to trust her instincts. Yes, part of that seems to be a budding love, but that’s a powerful emotion and needs to be trusted in its own right. (Okay, I’m a romantic; her and Skie’s ‘bond’ hooks me in!). Skie is vulnerable and really at Binda’s mercy. We don’t get to visualise Skie much but that kind of works. If she can’t see colours and beauty it stands to reason that she is a sort of grey-scale to readers and barely there

I found it interesting that in this story Binda has a choice to make, just as Skie does in her side to the story. It is almost the same choice, with the same sort of consequences, and this ties the pair together even more strongly (though, of course, they don’t know it).


*Crown* Suggestions

Binda had been watching her for weeks… – I know who ‘her’ is but since the previous paragraphs are all about the colours and wonders of the world I think when you suddenly get back to Binda and her ‘companion’, you need, in the first instance, to replace ‘her’ with something more definitive – ‘the creature’ or ‘the Unseeing’ for example.

All this had led Binda here, taking aim at the woman as she overlooked a large waterfall. And Binda sat near the now unconscious woman… – nothing wrong with the sentences but they left me confused with the timing. They begin sequential paragraphs and the latter sentence sounds ‘happening right now’ to me, which made me re-read the previous half of the story to see if I’d been reading something of a ‘back-story’. I don’t think I was. It’s possibly the ‘had’ you use that made me think this way. But also, you go from training an arrow to descriptions of beauty to Binda’s feelings about the unseeing and suddenly back to the ‘present’ when they’re on the edge of a waterfall. It’s probably just me but I think a little repositioning of the information would help the reader make sense (if they’re all as easily confused as me, of course!).

This is some serious nit-picking but you have Binda whispering the incantation and the very next thing is her saying ‘You’re alive.’ I did, for a moment, think that that was the incantation. Since I presume it isn’t, I’d recommend that Skie’s relieved comment comes after she’s witnessed Skie’s eyes fluttering open.

"I am that which you long for every night as you fall asleep, that which you see in all your dreams but forget come morning, that for which you yearn so greatly that you longed to abandon life rather than live it without." – more a query here. How does Binda know how much Skie has yearned for her? Does she pick it up from Skie’s dreams? Did Skie speak at the top of the waterfall? Or is the sprite omniscient?


*Crown* Closing Comments
Another wonderful story and really something that could be continued. Especially since there was that tiny reveal that an Unseeing can be cured of the affliction, but it’s forbidden. Little hooks throughout this story to make a reader want more! As already seen in The Choice you have a wonderful knack for description; it allows the reader to ‘see’ the story as if it’s acting out in front of them and that’s a wonderful experience. I look forward to more of them.


Happy two years!! May there be many, many more to come!!
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
118
118
Review of A Choice  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Amalie Cantor - We Got This! Author Icon

It is my total pleasure to offer you this House Stark review of "A ChoiceOpen in new Window. to celebrate your two-year anniversary. It is, of course, for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This little story is both heart-wrenching and hopeful. Skie’s life has obviously been difficult, though we don’t get to see much of the ‘why’ beyond knowing there are demons, voices in her head, and the most difficult thing to live with – wanting something that you can’t have. The decision to leave life pulls at the reader’s emotions and makes us wonder about that life and how long Skie toiled before making this decision. Hopeful because, firstly, Skie hasn’t died and, secondly, because a whole new world appears to have opened up for her to accept if she has the courage and the desire.

The Choice, tiny as it is, followed an expected story arc of beginning, middle and end, and contained conflict and a cliff-hanger (the choice) to really grab the reader’s attention. Personally, I was also totally pleased it contained a speck of romance mingled with the hope and fresh start.

The writing was beautiful on its own, with rich descriptions that allowed me to visualise Skie’s surroundings and the mystery woman. Was intrigued though that the waterfall didn’t rate a mention in that description of the ‘new’ scenery, nor even its sound.

They resembled nothing so much as a cloud of green smoke, gently shifting to and fro in the breeze, vaguely coalescing in the shape of wings. – just want to point out one of the best descriptions I’ve read in ages. It’s really visual and ethereal.

You ended this story with so much promise I just have to say that I’d love to see a sequel. If you’ve already got it, do point it out!


*Crown* Suggestions
This is more a query than a suggestion and arises from the companion piece That the Blind Might See. Is Skie fully blind and in darkness or can she see but just not see the beauty and colours? I ask because of this sentence:

Day had long since fallen to night when she’d leapt from the dam’s edge; she’d not intended to see daylight again. – it sounds like Skie can physically see, yet I got the feeling from the companion piece that she couldn’t (until Binda had worked her magic). So I’m just after clarification about what form her blindness takes. Of course, if a reader has only read this story the question is moot, but you have linked it to That the Blind Might See and they may end up wondering the same thing.


*Crown* Closing Comments
A lovely little story that starts out with pain and grief and ends with hope and a fresh start.

Since I have read the companion I must admit that I really enjoy reading two sides to a story. I think it takes decent skill to tell two different POVs all the while keeping the speech 100% same. It’s always fascinating to read how one character views another’s reactions and then to see those same reactions from their point of view.


You write beautifully, Amalie. I look forward to reading more now that I’ve finally found my way back to your port.

Best wishes and happy anniversary,
Os


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
119
119
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Cale Fast Author Icon

I found your item on the Review Request page and the title totally intrigued me so I checked it out. I’m offering a review of "The Days We Won't CompleteOpen in new Window. on behalf of the House of Stark for "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
To be honest, when I first saw that the format was one giant paragraph I sat back and went ‘yikes’. These days we’re all about trying to present our work in a fashion that encourages people to read. However, despite that, we also need to tell the story in a format that works for the story. Once I’d read this one, I came to the conclusion that this one giant paragraph is just right. It’s chaotic, frantic, frightened, determined, rushed and final.

The title is one of the most hard-hitting and heart-wrenching I’ve seen, and, as odd as this sounds, it’s really beautiful that the title was part of the story; that the young man thinks of these days he’ll never complete and the life ahead that he will miss. I know you’re probably thinking ‘beautiful? Did you read this story?’ but that’s how it came across to me, how it hit me. This narrator has done nothing wrong bar needing to cross ‘bad’ territory to get home, he has his whole life ahead of him and some bastard has put paid to that. His thoughts as he’s falling reveal a beautiful mind – he thinks of a wife and child, and of his mother. As you say in your description, this is a story of tragedy. And it is. I have never really thought about an early death in terms of not being able to complete the days one is entitled to (and, surely, all of us expect at least 90 years’ worth), so I found the title particularly hard-hitting.

Okay, so going to stop on that subject before I get some tears in the eyes!

As for the story itself… it’s about a young man wanting to do something lovely for his mother on her birthday. He achieves this and heads home. The problem is that heading home puts him on a bad street and that’s when things turn nasty. The narrator is fairly level-headed; he knows he has to run and how to run. Unfortunately, he ends up with just one way to escape. It’s a little bit ironic that he doesn’t want to die and yet as he jumps from the roof he pretty much knows that’s what’s going to happen. Except… this is by his own hand and perhaps that’s the lesser of the evils.

I liked how you wove the narrator’s history/life into this ‘happening right now’ moment – about the things he does for fun with his friends, about his relationship with his mum and how his dad up and left, even how the cops are no longer on the street. You could have got yourself mired in a whole lot of ‘tell’ rather than ‘show’ but you didn’t; these little moments slotted right into the story very easily and at perfect times, giving the character depth and revealing him as a rounded figure. I would not ask you to change any of that, but I would love to know what ‘parkour’ is/means?

The final sentence is perfect. Some might ask ‘how does a drowning/drowned first person narrator know this’ but who cares? This story is all about the dress – it’s what starts off our narrator’s journey and it’s sadly apt to be the thing that survives the night. Especially since this has come immediately after thinking about the days that will never be completed. The bag will float somewhere to be grabbed up by someone, and the dress will be used or sold without knowing the tragedy behind it.


*Crown* Suggestions
You may find that other reviewers pull you up on sentence fragments (such as And pulled out a switchblade, where there’s no actual subject, or I found a pipe. About 2 feet long. Thin but dense., where these could make one sentence) but for the most part their jarring nature worked with how the story unfolds so I’m not going to rush in here and make you rework things. The fragments help shape the story just as must as the one giant paragraph does.

There were two main things that hindered my reading flow a bit –typos and the speech moments that didn’t have speech marks or which weren’t italicised to indicate internal speech. In a massive one-paragraph setting, I think you do need to be quite careful in off-setting speech and thought for the reader’s understanding. Most of those issues came in the last quarter of the story, such as s***, I muttered to myself. Breath. Don’t cry, I said to myself…. Even though the narrator is talking to himself he’s still talking and you need speech marks around s*** and Don’t cry. If these were thoughts… then you could put them in italics, and actually leave off the dialogue tags because italics will normally indicate to any reader that we’re in thought mode.

Breath. – you have this twice, when the narrator is trying to calm himself. You need ‘breathe’ here as that’s the verb while ‘breath’ is the noun.

… looking peculiarly at my Air Jordans… – I just wondered if you meant ‘particularly’ as this would mean the lady was looking specifically at the shoes. ‘Peculiarly’ sounds like she was looking at them with her eyes crossed or something.

You’ll be fine. Your tough. – I loved these pep talks, very natural and human. However, ‘your’ needs, really, to be ‘you’re’. You’ve got ‘your’ at the end, too, when the man is taunting the youngster on the roof.

I could here his breathing. Labored. But calm. He had a sick calmness. – ‘here’ needs to be ‘hear’ and I just wondered if it was possible that labored breathing could be calm. I understand what you mean in the final sentence but ‘labored’ seems too puffy to ever be calm. Perhaps something like ‘steady’? That would show that the man is breathing hard but still calm. Does that make sense?

It caught be in the cheek. – ‘me’ rather than ‘be’.


*Crown* Closing Comments
It sounds odd to say that I really liked a story of tragedy and gang violence, but I did. This is a powerful piece. It’s heart-warming and heart-wrenching all in one, and, as I’ve said, that title is just amazing. Definitely needs some tidying up in terms of typos (and even just consistency – such as with the various ways you write out the money) but that’s superficial. You ought to be very proud of this and I hope you get lots of readers and reviews for it.


Kindest regards,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
120
120
Review of Crooked House  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Choconut Author Icon

I spotted your flash fiction in the Read a Newbie column, so I did. And now I’m reviewing "Crooked HouseOpen in new Window. on behalf of House Stark for the highly frantic "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
I very much like that this didn’t go anywhere where I thought it would!! I was thinking all manner of evil things about to happen to the narrator, and you let nothing slip until the mention of the revered chocolate *Smile*. But even then I wasn’t sure where the story would end up because the narrator is still showing signs of fear and we meet the old, witchy lady. The ending could still be fatal!

In such a tiny piece you have spun a story full of suspense, keeping the reader engaged until the end. Any lover of chocolate will probably understand the pull exerted upon the narrator, and you’ve made it clear why the chocolate is so special and why the narrator’s friend has raved about it. This story was written purposefully short, but you manage to give a wonderful amount of description; I can ‘see’ the cottage quite clearly and I can imagine the witchy woman and her chocolate.

I also thought that writing this piece in first person present was really clever; it heightened the emotions and suspense.


*Crown* Suggestions
I did have a couple of suggestions, with the biggest one being a possible alteration of the title. Now, I normally steer clear of that sort of suggestion but you’ve called this story Crooked House. That’s all fine, but the sign on the gate says “Crooked Cottage”. Semantics, maybe, but to me a house and a cottage are different and they felt like they were clashing here – especially if you’ve titled the story based on the cottage. Hope I’m making sense here, and maybe I’m just nit-picking; probably if you hadn’t used ‘crooked’ in both the title and the sign I wouldn’t really have noticed it.

“Do no knock. I will see you.” – I think you meant ‘not’ here instead of ‘no’

The woman’s description of the chocolate (physical and mystical) is well done; however, I’d like to have seen this complemented a little more by the narrator’s eating of said chocolate. The chocolate appears to promise anything you want, but we don’t get any real sense of this from the narrator. She understands, but what is she understanding? I think this needs to be fleshed out. Of course, a flash fiction piece is short but the narrator has overcome her fears and ignored her instinct for this chocolate, and we only get a couple of tiny sentences about what it’s like to eat. Even though the narrator wants to come back, her reaction just doesn’t seem to balance out the earlier part of the story; there’s no massive savouring of the taste, smell, colour etc etc. Basically, describe the sensations so well that everyone, after reading this story, heads off to get some of their own!


*Crown* Closing Comments
A great little story, full of suspense, and complete too (start, middle, finish; you didn’t leave us dangling with a story going nowhere). I think chocolate lovers would probably relate to the conquering of fear or anything else that might prevent getting one’s hand on the stuff just for a taste. Silky, sweet, magical? For me, that’s Lindt. Yum.


Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
121
121
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi DJF Author Icon

Your port is full of very funny things! This time I’m reviewing "The Man of her DreamsOpen in new Window., again for House Stark in relation to "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
When this first caught my eye, I thought it’d be told from a female point of view because of the title; a sort of wish list a girl might write about her future husband. It was quite a surprise to find it’s actually from the male point of view. Still a wish list of sorts since our narrator is outlining his plan to get himself a girlfriend.

I loved the total ‘I’m god’s gift to women’ attitude; it made me roll my eyes and half hope that the plans comes to reality. The latter because the diarist doesn’t come across as a complete twat! He’s a young man with big dreams, a tad idiotic, but the way he plans everything is quite endearing. He has faith in himself (and in the girl!). The humour (to him, of course, it’s all serious) is at a perfect level for the reader, and I especially loved how his ‘plans’ took off into the realm of being attractive to his prospective girlfriend’s mother! It was a trail of ‘what ifs’ that just kept spiralling ever larger. Priceless.

I must just admit here – I own the full DVD set of the original Battlestar Galactica. That might have been a tongue in cheek mention for you, but the original series was awesome back in the 80s!


*Crown* Suggestions
I have no qualms about how this ‘diary’ is written. Because it’s a diary it needs to be colloquial and rambling and full of odd pieces of syntax we might grumble about in a short story. The first person narrator is expected and so is the mix of past and present tense, as our young man tells his tale and predicts his future.

Nothing in the telling that is difficult to understand, apart from the very last sentence: don’t get your hopes up too high or anything. Because our narrator has cockily said he expects everything to turn out just as he has laid out (ie he’s going to have a girlfriend by Thursday), this final sentence makes it sound a little like the diary might have hopes that everything is going to go belly up. And that’s odd. Is it what you meant? If not, then I’d say the diary would end quite perfectly just with I can’t imagine it’ll be much different than what I’ve laid out.. That would be the ultimate in cockiness and simply cements everything else we read.


*Crown* Closing Comments
You have a wonderfully natural way of writing. This piece flows just like human thought, rambling and jumbled but perfectly understandable. The humour in it is just as natural; and there’s probably many a diary entry out there that bears close resemblance to this one. I would love to see the follow-up Thursday entry!!!

I very much liked this and think you have a knack for understated comedy.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
122
122
Review of Ronnie and Larry  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi DJF Author Icon

I found "Ronnie and LarryOpen in new Window. on the 'Read a Newbie' link today. Being partial to westerns, I took a peak and am now reviewing it for House Stark in association with "King's Landing updating Open in new Window..


*Crown* Reader Impressions
This was one of the funniest items I've read here on WDC! I really don't know what I was expecting when I picked it up, even though it was classed as comedy, but it was brilliant. And it all came from the way the story was told - a ramble of random thoughts and vocal projections from a first person narrator. I think much of the humour would have been lost if your narrator had been third person. Ronnie was the perfect foil (calm, straight-up, serious even) and I could just imagine him wondering what he'd done to deserve such a comrade. His "I sincerely doubt it" response to Larry's question about being neighbours is laid back and perfect, but I'm sure we all hear Ronnie's 'other answer' - no way, no hell, not on this planet, hell will freeze first, etc etc.

I thought it was also very clever how you had a faint attraction thing going on, which was probably what Ronnie was worried about, and right at the end came the punch line - Larry was all about having a best friend! The story had a Brokeback Mountain feel to it, though one-sided, and I did wonder where it would end up. Larry's quip was a blind-side and quite a perfect end to his ramble; it was about the clearest thing he'd said through the whole trip!


*Crown* Suggestions & Technical Things
This story is told in such a colloquial manner that I'm not at all bothered that there are commas where I'd normally see full stops, and sentences that seem to combine two or three into one long ramble. These things help give the story character, and help display Larry's character. He really can't 'shut the F up'!! But there's two things I will mention because they disrupted my reading flow.

"What?" Ronnie would often say. - This particular 'what?' is answering a specific question, so the 'would often say' didn't feel like it matched here. There is no 'often' to be seen, if that makes sense. I think you just need to add 'that' to the end. It,to me at least, makes it seem more like a thought of Larry's than a direct connect (like a speech tag) to 'what?'

pretty nasty spill and my leg pretty bad - the double 'pretty' was quite jarring. Yes, it is keeping in line with Larry's babbling type of speech but it still stands out to the reader. I would suggest either getting rid of the first iteration entirely or swapping it out for another adjective. The second placement works as the focus is on the leg and what might result from 'pretty bad' damage (and Larry's imagination running off into wedding territory is a hoot. I almost get the feeling that if his leg had been broken Ronnie just might have shot him like he would a horse!)


*Crown* Closing Comments
You certainly know how to write comedy. I really liked this piece; it was easy to read and understand, understated (Ronnie's long-suffering, stoic reactions), and very funny. Larry sounds like he'd be a solid friend, if he didn't drive you to throw him over a cliff with his philosophizing babble!


I hope you keep writing more gems like this.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous


Os - Master Dungeon Keeper - House Stark
123
123
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi TowardTheFear Author Icon

I'm reviewing "My Brother's LaptopOpen in new Window. today as part of the judging for November's round of "The LGBT Writing Contest - closedOpen in new Window.. Do note that the thoughts, suggestions and other bits and pieces are my own, one reader among many, so use this review in whichever way you need.


The Prompt
You chose the Laptop prompt, and incorporated it perfectly into your plot. I liked that it wasn't simply a device that your character was using, but something that revealed memory, history and revelation. And your comments about the laptop being archaic and barely starting up brought back fond memories of my old Toshiba Satellite (though light silver) which took a half hour at least to start up at the end of its life. It only had 500MB of RAM. I loved it though.


The Plot
When I first saw the laptop prompt I must admit I didn't think anyone would choose it. After all, how do you weave a story around such an item? Well, now I know, and I really love how you wove the laptop into the plot, how it became the mechanism for uniting (albeit, with a truckload of grief and questions) two brothers.

Walt and Greg's relationship is probably no different to most brothers (or sisters, for that matter) and readers wouldn't really turn a hair about it. However... once we see the photo and start putting two and two together, Walt's attitude and actions start making a lot more sense. It's a sad indictment on our society that people feel compelled to hide their real self, even from family. (And those remembered words of Walt’s are imbued with that challenging, whatya-gonna-do-about-it? tone a bully would use to cover up.)

The plot is very emotion-based, and all of it was very easy to understand – even Greg and Walt’s mum blaming the girlfriend for Walt’s death. Without any other knowledge, what else could the mother think? I am sure a lot of readers will fully understand that complicated feeling of happiness of knowing with the grief of knowing too late. You can’t do anything about it but you will always go back into the past and question why you didn't see something coming or why you didn’t do this or that. Almost a survivor’s guilt, and though Greg was in the dark, it would come as no surprise if he felt this way in some form.

However, I feel you missed a great opportunity to really tug on the reader’s heartstrings. This contest allows up to 3000 words and your story only covered half of that limit. Those final silent questions of Greg’s are powerful and heart wrenching, but you could have made them even stronger by tying them into other memories, by having Greg try to answer them himself or even by having Greg talk to Billy about it. I would really love to read an expanded version…. Hint, hint, hint.

By the way, I am presuming that Greg and Billy are an item. Besides ‘date’ and ‘babe’ there’s actually no way to tell. If your characters were female I’d simply presume this was chat among friends who use that language without attaching any deeper meaning to it. You don’t have to go all out and be in the reader’s face about it but something as simple as “Hey!” My boyfriend, and just that moment I remembered we had a date….

Just want to mention some lines I really liked:

"No," I didn't know what I was looking at. – I love that this line displays Greg’s utter confusion at what he’s seeing. He knows it’s his brother but whaaaat? It ties in perfectly with the analogy of the pine tree in the desert.

She held the laptop as if it was precious simply for having been my brother's. – this is so true of what we do with things belonging to those we’ve lost. It might be trash but because it was once our loved one’s then it’s gold to us. And the line a bit further down regarding the flag really strengthens that sense.

The family was frozen, silent, no one looking at anyone else while Bing Crosby continued to croon. – beautifully visual scene.

My brother in the arms of this American hero. – not sure Walt would appreciate me saying this, but this is really sweet. I wonder if you could change ‘this’ to ‘his’????

I had as many questions as tears. – explains Greg’s thoughts with great clarity (and I’ve already mentioned that the questions are really neat.)

I wanted to know him. I wanted to talk to this smiling man, content in Sergeant Ruiz's arms. But I never would. – this would have been a great ending to the story, if you’d wanted to leave the reader hanging. Totally glad you didn’t as it gave me a chance to hold back the sniffles and read on! This is part of that feeling you’ve described above – the knowing and the lateness of knowing. It goes hand in hand with ‘how do I cope with this?’ The reader is happy for Walt, but also distressed about his life and loss, and also happy for Greg and distressed about the fact he’ll never have answers for his questions, never know the side of his brother that his brother kept hidden.


Suggestions
As I said above, you have a story which is highly emotional and which I think you can make even more so. There’s nothing truly wrong with the sections below but they are a couple of places where I think you can tighten up the reader’s heartstrings even further.

My brother committed suicide last June. He hung himself. – a real kick-in-the-gut line here between the other two paragraphs, but make it more so by joining the two sentences: My brother hanged himself last June. (By the way, I’ve changed that verb because I was always told ‘pictures are hung, men are hanged’.

The attack happened in late May. My brother committed suicide a week later. – How about something like: The attack happened in late May, and my brother killed himself a week later. I’ve changed ‘committed suicide’ here because even though it comes a decent time after the first telling, it’s such a strong group it feels like an immediate repeat. Also – for me at least – ‘killed himself’ is a lot more hard-hitting, carries more grief, seems to carry more questions. Walt seems the sort of person who would ‘kill himself’ rather than ‘commit suicide’, if that makes sense??


The Technical Things
This is where I mention things that disrupted my reading flow, or little grammar niggles I just can’t go passed.

One, eyes closed, peaceful, his blond head nuzzled in the other man's chest and neck, his arms wrapped around the other. – when you read this alone, it doesn’t really make sense. The descriptions give the reader a lovely image, but the sentence itself is disjointed. Try to pull it together a bit more – something like The blonde nuzzled his head against the other’s chest, eyes closed, arms wrapped tight. You don’t need to mention ‘the other’ because that’s apparent. And I've left out 'peaceful' only because the scene describes the peace. I don't know that you need to state it too.

He held the first man tight, kissing the top of his head while looking sideways with dark, almost mischievous eyes at the camera held with his outstretched arm. – I can totally ‘see’ the position of the two men but again it’s a bit wordy. I’m usually guilty of this too, trying to account for all limbs etc, but we don’t have to spell everything out. I have two suggestions. 1. Replace ‘the first man tight’ with ‘his partner’. Partner, here, doesn’t have to have any relationship/sexual meaning, it’s just another way of saying ‘the first man’ in a less awkward manner. 2. Replace ‘held with his outstretched arm’ with ‘positioned in his outstretched hand.’ Mostly because you can’t ‘hold’ something with an arm, but also because this sentence has two ‘held’s and that repeat is a bit awkward.

"No! You, it's like, it's like your not there. …” – I really liked Mary’s dialogue. It’s totally fractured just as if she can’t get her thoughts together to spit things out with good grammar. It’s a great way of showing emotion! I’ve got this line here because ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.

Walt didn't even seem fazed by it. – change ‘it’ to ‘the breakup’ because you’ve jumped passed the telling of the breakup and ‘it’ might lead readers to go ‘it what?’

In the picture, Walt was wearing a tan military undershirt. – immediately before this line you’re back in the past with the chess game. You need to re-establish the present again. A way to do that might be to add something like I refocused on the picture; Walt wore a tan military undershirt. (with ‘wore’ making the wording a little more active).

Looking for my shoes, "I'll be over in a minute." – is there supposed to be something else after ‘shoes’? It seems to end a little as if you’ve missed off a ‘I told Billy…'

I hung up my cell. – does one ‘hang up’ a cell phone these days? I usually say ‘I closed my phone’ but of course that only works with those you flip open!


Overall Impressions
I really liked this story. I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I thought you could have fleshed out the emotions more but even as it stands now it’s a sad read. Love and loss often go hand in hand and you’ve portrayed that relationship quite nicely here. I easily felt Greg’s shock and grief, and felt all emotional over the American hero, Ruiz, and how his death just may have caused Walt’s. Love is a very powerful emotion and the price to pay for having it is sometimes very high.

I do like that you brought humour to the story – about the laptop itself and how Greg pretends he’s not crying. Who among us hasn’t used that line or ‘it’s just allergies’ to hide the fact we’re bawling? Why is that humorous? Simply because it’s such a cliché in life these days. And it's a bit ironic of Greg to hide his feelings from Billy, when he's just been upset at Walt doing pretty much the same thing.

Anyway, I liked "My Brother's LaptopOpen in new Window. and I appreciate you entering it into "The LGBT Writing Contest - closedOpen in new Window.. 1000 GPs are attached as a further ‘thank you’ for entering, and I hope you do so again. If Greg and Billy are a ‘new’ item, perhaps you could enter them for December’s prompt 2???

Last thing - if you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch!

Kindest regards,
Osirantinous

PS: an extra 1000 GPs from me too.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
124
124
Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Mr. Bean Author Icon

When I look over the "Please ReviewOpen in new Window. page, I'm often after a title or a description that catches my eye and all but forces me to select the item to read. Your title and description told me very little about your story, but the description got my attention anyway. It is supremely gutsy to finally put a story onto paper and then to throw it out to the public. I hope you felt a massive sense of relief once you'd done so, and are busily writing up more stories to share.

Let no one tell you that you can't write, but also make total use of each and every review and email/comment you receive (even those that might be negative). To this end, I hope the following review of "UntitledOpen in new Window. is helpful to you. It's all just my opinion so do with it what you will.


Reader Impressions
When you started off with the introductory blurb, I found it a little difficult to move from that 'reality' to the fiction below. In fact, I spent a lot of the time wondering if the blurb was part of the story, or the story more non-fiction than fiction. To that end, I'd actually suggest you put the introduction into your Bio (in your portfolio) and let the story stand straight out, without introduction or reason.

Overall, this is a rather creepy little story that was nicely matched by the cold autumn night during which this tale is told. You labelled this as a suspense/thriller and I thought it worked well within this genre - the creeping lights approaching the house (with obvious mal-intent), the past horror that occurred, and also the fact that someone was up in the room watching that approach. The feeling of being watched has got to be the most scary feeling ever, even if the watcher is the narrator!

It's well written too, so I don't think you have anything to worry about there. There's probably the odd comma issue but since I sort of ignore comma issues myself I won't pick them out for you! I had no problems with the general flow of the story nor with any ability to understand what you'd written.


Strengths
Though part of me wanted more information - such as a clearer idea of what happened to Amy (did she just get lost in the woods, was she abducted etc) - another part of me liked that you didn't give that information. In short, you made the story suspenseful and you gave me enough little strands that I could try to come up with these answers myself. Including discovering why the brother is hiding up in the room - is he seeking revenge, is he actually a ghost (not entirely sure where that came from but it did cross my mind) etc. It's a fine line between making the reader think about the story and making the reader exhausted with the thinking; however, you've done a nice job of doing the former.

This is a tiny story, but you've packed in so many visuals that it feels much bigger. By that I mean that I could visualise quite clearly the woods, the fence, Amy, even the playing out in the woods. Any writer who can create a 3D world in which I can view the story gets my tick! Your use of a first person narrator also pulls a reader in, and I think first person is absolutely perfect for any suspense/horror type of story.

I've a feeling the story is truly untitled, but I think that works as a title in its own right. It adds mystery and suspense, and almost a sense of 'if I give it a real title then it becomes too real'. This is the kind of story we'd hope like heck was only fiction.

It is there I can see the lights peek out from behind trunks and dance their way to hide behind another. - I love this line. It is very visual but also slightly disturbing. The peeking and dancing imply kids having fun, playing games but there's nothing fun about these lights.

Amy, a memory bouncing where nothing but a broken, metal frame remains. - As with the above sentence, you've combined nice and not nice together, and it's really powerful here. The ruins of the trampoline itself lend to the scary side of the story, and I think any reader could easily visualise the narrator's memory of his sister on a trampoline and then that trampoline slowly turning into the wreck it is, even as Amy is still there smiling and bouncing. (I would suggest here that the second comma is removed as it's not required.)

I lost almost every time, after all, is that not what big brothers are for? - a very simple sentence but one that easily shows the love the narrator had for his sister.


Suggestions
This might not be an easy thing to do, but I wondered if you could put a time-frame within the story. I could tell that there'd been some years between Amy's obvious disappearance/death but since I presumed the three men just slithering in the gate are the same three responsible for what happened to Amy, I thought that not too many years have gone by or else there'd be some difficulties with the age of the characters. The house is obviously abandoned so that adds to the 'years', but just how many have gone by?

Another question I have is, why are the men coming back? If the house is abandoned (and clearly is so) why would they be back? Quite aside from me saying above that it's good to leave out some 'facts', this one I think you need to add in; even if it is something so simple as 'to finish what they started' or 'to relieve the house of the final ornaments'. Time has passed yet the men have come back, and somehow the brother is there waiting (actually it's probably that fact that made me wonder if he was a ghost!); the suspense gives way to a giant WHY?

I again hear laughs, but these laughs are not of my darling sister. Her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are many years removed, these are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction. - I like these sentences but I think they need a slight change because your main topic is the laughter and so the physical description of Amy feels a little out of place (even though it's wonderful). I'm not saying remove it, but rather something like this: I again hear laughter, but these laughs are not of my darling sister; her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are many years removed. These are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction.

It was that very same gate that the three men just slithered through into my family’s former backyard. - this last paragraph is back in the 'present' again, so I think the 'it was' should be 'it is', since the rest of the story is told in the present tense.


Closing Comments
Mr Bean, if this is your first story, then I don't believe you've got anything to worry about in the future. It's a great little piece, full of strong description and staying true to the genre. I had questions, yes, but that's probably just me being nit-picky.

I look forward to reading many more of your stories, and welcome you to a long happy writing life here on Writing.com. And if you have any queries about this review, please don't hesitate to send me an email.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Tome of Artistry Membership


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
125
125
Review of the string  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi kristoff N. chester Author Icon

Thank you for requesting a review of "the stringOpen in new Window. from me. Apologies that it has taken me a while to get to! I hope you find it useful and I encourage you to get back to me if I've said something that doesn't make sense or that you want to clarify yourself.

Before I get onto the review, have you considered entering the horror genre contest "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. It's only for works of 1000 words or less but I note that you are a horror writer, and might be up for the challenge.


Reader Impressions
As a dabbler in horror myself, I prefer the creepy, spine-tingling psychological sort over the out-and-out gory type of horror story. So The String was just the sort of story to my liking - mysterious, suspenseful, psychological; making me glad I didn't read it at night. Yep, my imagination would have got the better of me and I'd have started feeling threads where there aren't any.

Your opening paragraphs totally threw me off the scent, by the way, and when tied with the genres of 'other' and 'dark' I wasn't sure what I was getting into. I really did start off thinking this was a sort of autobiographical work, especially since you talked about the two poems with the appropriate Chinese titles and gave us some basic facts about China itself. It wasn't until I came to the fifth paragraph where you (and the reader) meet the slightly odd playwright that I finally twigged that this was fiction. I was rather glad, actually, because I didn't really want to read a 'dark' story that had true first-hand narration. *Smile* (By the way, I'm not saying you should change anything here! The puzzlement was my own fault for not looking at your Port first.)

Overall, this was a nice piece of horror which contained macro and micro horror. By that I mean, we had the overall (macro) sense of the god controlling humans, taking away their free will, combined with the fact that hundreds of men and women before our narrator had faced the same fate; and the closer-to-home (micro) sense with the the point of view of the narrator. Having the narrator be first-person brought the reader right into the story, as if was they (me) who was drawn inexplicably up that mountain with a sense of 'doing what's right' but finding out that I'm being directed in every move I make with no possibility of escape. There is the added horror of feeling that I'd managed to escape (For a moment I allowed myself to feel slight comfort.), before realising there is no such thing as escape.


Strengths
Besides being a really nice little story, I think there are three main strengths to it.

1. You drew the reader in by making them part of the story through your first person narrator. The reader experiences the intrigue, the puzzlement, the absolute need to get up that mountain, the fear, the panic, and that final sense of despair. And When, by what I hope was only chance, I came across a name, that stuck out ever so sorely. is a really nice way of the reader going 'um... what's going on here? What 'chance'?' It makes the reader suddenly start to get a little nervous.

2. As the bones of a short story goes, you gave me everything I needed to feel satisfied - a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginning gives the reader a false sense that everything is okay, the middle turns up the nerves with every step up the mountain, and the ending packs something of a punch - in two ways. Firstly, the dog tells a tale that almost convinces the narrator that her entrapment is a tragedy and she should be set free (a perfect example of her pulling the strings!). Secondly, that it ties in with your title and the entire theme of the story - being a physical puppet with that silk string attach that cannot be removed. I did wonder what might happen next but I'm not sure you could ever write that into the story; best to leave that up to the reader's imagination.

3. You've brought in myth and folklore. Even if it is made-up you've written it so well that it feels real, as if the myth exists and you've decided to bring it into the modern world with your own take. By the way, I say made-up because I wanted to read up on the myth myself but couldn't find anything regarding either poem or the god of puppets in Chinese folklore (*Sad*; besides an article from Hawaii's East-West Center Gallery that mentions that man being on a string like a puppet is a very old metaphor. (This gallery held an exhibition on Chinese puppets for the first half of this year.)) I was so intrigued, I asked my Chinese workmate if she'd heard of the poems or myths. She hadn't. Of course, this doesn't mean to say they don't exist (feel free to prove me wrong here). There's actually a point to this ramble. If you're using established/known myth or folklore, make sure you know it from every angle so that someone doesn't niggle at you for inaccuracies. And if things are totally made up, write them like they're fact/myth so that we believe!. Create something that your readers wish was real. I think you've done a fine job of that here.

A couple of parts I really liked:

Something was atop this mountain and I had to see it with my own eyes.- perfect example of the age-old curiosity of mankind, but with a darker twist here since our narrator is beginning to wonder if it's not all his own doing. Also thought this sentence had a really nice feel to the way it is read.

Time had pummeled the place - pummeled is quite a violent word, and it works perfectly here in describing what time has done to the temple. Though you go on to describe some of the pummeled features, the word itself brings forth such imagery without actually having to describe.

I had time only to scream once as I was pulled up into the air, being towed along by Amosia, the god of puppets. - I really like this closing line. Total despair, total knowledge that the entire trip wasn't out of free-will, total control by the gods. As endings go, I thought it one of the better I've read in quite some time.


Suggestions
First person narratives are my own writing preference, but those of us who live for it have to sort out the ever-present I. Too many is disruptive to the reader, and in fact stories often start to read like a bullet-point list rather than a narrative. I'd recommend you work through the story and remove redundant Is and turn other sentences around so that at least I doesn't start the sentence. A couple of suggestions are listed below to show what I mean here:

The trip took longer then I planned. - the I isn't needed here since it's unlikely anyone else planned the trip.

I walked on even has I recounted more of the supernatural lore and tales of mysticism. - several ways you could reorder this to avoid starting with the I. Walking on, I recounted.... or As I walked on, I recounted... or even a total reword, and linking with the next sentence: Supernatural lore and tales of mysticism flashed continuously through my mind, making me wish to turn back...

I sought him out, an elderly ecstatic man. - in the previous sentence the narrator has discovered the playwright. So this 'sought him out' seems kind of secondary. You probably mean that the narrator discovered that there was a man to go and see, rather than he physically discovered him somewhere in town. My suggestion would be to remove at least the first part of this sentence completely, keeping the 'elderly ecstatic man (perhaps as When I met the elderly ecstatic man he was dressed in a suit....). Second query about the ecstatic nature of the man - how did you know? Perhaps describe the flamboyance a little more. How is he flamboyant? Is it just the suit or the red blush making him look this way, or did he act it? If it's the latter then the stiff moving arms and the flat lips kind of don't match with acted flamboyancy.

Inside it was dark, but in the blackness I heard the shuffle of feet. - quite aside from a repetition that the inside of the temple was dark, I think you've missed an opportunity to describe the dark. Blackness is nice, but is it thick or heavy? Is it a total pitch-black dark, or could objects be made out? Did it seem to be sucking into the narrator's lungs? Use the darkness to heighten the fear and panic.


The Technical Side
This where I talk about grammar when it's bugged me to the point that I have to mention it, or anything else that has stopped my reading flow.

My trail came to a climax with the discovery of a play write whom was seeking to produce a play after the legend. - playwright, rather than play write. And I think 'whom' is not the word you're after here. 'Who' works better, and you could make the sentence a little more active in feeling by using 'who sought' rather than 'who was seeking'.

The trip itself was uncomfortable, along with the tedious run around of airport security I was haunted with unsettling dreams. In which I beheld burning ruins and humans dancing. - in a couple of places you mix and match punctuation to add sentences that don't really need to be added together and to cut others off where they should be added. This pair of sentences is an example. I think it would be better with a full stop after 'uncomfortable'. Start the next with 'Along', but after 'dreams' remove the full stop. 'In which' is a connecting set of words not a beginning set. Something like this: The trip was uncomfortable. Along with the tedious run around of airport security, I was haunted with unsettling dreams in which I beheld burning ruins and humans dancing. (And remove 'itself' as that's a bit redundant here. To me the trip can only be itself so it doesn't need to be said.)

Had the monster in the poem, not been called a puppeteer? - no comma here. And I know why you've gone for the 'had not' arrangement of words (which I like) but the ordering feels a little bit unusual, and I had to read this a couple of times to make sense. I would expect to see (and remember this is just me) something more like Had not the monster been called a puppeteer in the poem? (or In the poem, had not the monster been called a puppeteer?) Basically... don't split the 'had' and 'not'.

There was more proof of this has I went. - you've used 'has' for almost every time you meant 'as'. Since this is obviously a word in its own right it will never come up in a spell-check. However, it should pop up in a grammar check. I tend to not use those, but reading slowly out loud will generally always point out where you might have used the wrong word.

The figure reached out to me and waited with it's hand out. - it's is a contraction of 'it is', not a pronouncement of possession, so you don't need an apostrophe here. I'd also like to see another way of calling this black-clad figure. 'The figure' came across much like the use of 'I' that I mentioned above.

Covered in scales with small horns at the end of it's nose and glowing eyes. - a sentence without a subject, so it reads incomplete. You could easily attached this to the next sentence as another way to describe the monster as it rises into the sky, or you could add in the subject. Something as simple as Covered in scales, the monster had small horns at the end of its nose and glowing eyes. But also, really describe this monster. What colour are the glowing eyes? Is it still purple (as the dog was)? This is your opportunity to really freak the reader out.

I looked down and shuttered in fear - shuddered, rather than shuttered here.


Closing Comments
I really liked this story. Your narrator played the perfect part of an unsuspecting puppet, thinking that much of the journey was made with free-will, thinking he had made an escape. The overarching feeling of having the gods act as puppeteers makes a body very uncomfortable, which makes for a really nice spine-tingling, psychological sort of dark/horror. There are certainly some things to tidy up but overall, this is a great story and I am in fact looking forward to reading more of your stories. And certainly to see if I can discover why many of your log-lines talking about being beyond the sight of man!

Thank you once again for requesting the review; I hope that it helps you and encourages you to keep going. And, as I said at the beginning, don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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