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Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
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Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
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M/M, romance, horror, western
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126
126
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Ben Crawford Author Icon

Thank you for asking me to review "Unbound Words: Chapter 1 - Kenton the Ne" Open in new Window.. I'm flattered you asked and I hope this review matches up with what you might be expecting. Since you didn't give me any specifics, I'm doing a general 'everything' review. Do get back to me if you have any queries.


*Sun* General Comments & Reader Reaction
Right from the title of this book (Unbound Words), you had my interest. The title is intriguing and the first line, in fact, really plays into the title. The jiggling carriage is at fault but Kenton also can't control the pen on paper to get his letter written, and he can't control his own words. To start with "Damn it to hell!" was clever. It opened my eyes straight away and pen murdered yet another page is extremely visual, and emphases Kenton's annoyance. You started straight in with action, gave us a character and a location and zipped into a little bit of background that explained why Kenton was suffering a bumpy carriage ride.

I think that the background coming in the form of a letter was nicely done; it felt like I was reading the letter rather than just being given a history lesson. Backstory is so important but it can drag down a plot if it receives too much focus. This letter and, in fact, the later one both provide that backstory in an economical, reasonable and believable way. Your reader isn't likely to glaze over and skip ahead.

My major disappointment came when I saw that you've only got the one chapter up! Please tell me you've got more waiting in the background, especially since you ended this one on such an intriguing warning! I love that you've got a totally inexperienced youngster mingling with old-timers on the magic front, trying to sort out the inner politics that will probably take him ages to sort all the while wondering who to trust and who to stay away from! There's plenty of stories out there with magic groups and battles, but this seemed a fresh idea to me, and I really look forward to seeing where you take it.

As an opening chapter, I think it does exactly what it needs to - introduces the plot, the cast, the location and enough background so the reader won't feel like they've been dropped in the middle of something. And you've given us a start, middle and end, so that it stands in its own right as a story. I think a lot of people forget that chapters are stories in themselves. Whether you were conscious of it or not as you wrote, you followed this 'rule' nicely.


*Screw*The Story's Nuts and Bolts

Plot & Pace
The plot is a fairly basic one to understand - a young 'mancer is coming to take up a new position at a prestigious school, which has five tenured practitioners with strong personalities and a whole bunch of raveled politics. Disagreeable weather has meant our protagonist is on the back-foot when he reaches the city and hasn't had time to rest. He is thrust immediately into his first council and has to cope with his five fellows with only an anonymous letter to guide him.

The action tumbles over like the wheels of the carriage, and Kenton barely gets a chance to breathe. The delay in travelling forces all the action together and means a hot pace. And that is perfect for this chapter. Kenton is new to the city and its intrigues. I think allowing him to have an overnight in the city before the council would have watered down the pace too much, would have removed the spice from the letter and the whirlwind meeting of the other characters. Kenton has to think on his feet and everything in this chapter keeps him doing that. Importantly, the reader is not bored.

Characters
You've done well to wrangle six characters here, especially since they are strong and bolshie in their own right. But be careful to keep them under control or readers could start to wonder who the protagonist is. Right now, your point of view is Kenton's. My advice is to keep it that way as much as possible - unless, of course, you aim to have a chapter dedicated to each of the masters.

One thing you need to get a grip on with your cast is their names. You've got Blyth and Blythe, and Tarsus and Tarsis. The names you've chosen are wonderful (as are the names for your city and buildings etc) but you've got to get them right. Readers will pick up discrepancies here quicker than with anything else.

I liked how you gave a character analysis in the anonymous letter, and matched it to the characters as you introduced them. It was also nice to see the little physical descriptors you gave as we met the characters and, let's be honest, one of the best lines is Torin's "Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at Kenton and the short one insulting me," Descriptive of his fellow masters but also making clear his own feelings.

Having said that, I would like to have seen a little more action from the characters, rather than just have them speak their lines (often with a smile or look). You have so many characters speaking that 'he said' becomes a little tiresome. You do need to indicate who is speaking but you can do that with an action. Let me use my favourite line: "Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at Kenton and the short one insulting me," he said, pulling an apple out of his robes. How about something like: Torin pulled an apple from his robe, and shrugged. "Somewhere between the whore throwing herself at you and the short one insulting me." By the way, I've put 'you' here because Torin is actually answering Kenton's question and to use his first name here doesn't work.

Setting & Imagery
I'm one of those readers who reads visually. I like to see what I'm reading - so the more description you can provide, the happier I am. I liked what you had but I thought you missed the opportunity to really draw me in, especially in the city.

He saw houses, upscale inns, and a few high class shops. They must have entered the upper quarters of the city. As he was admiring the buildings,... - this is pretty much it for the city. I know Kenton's had the curtains closed but this is too minimal for me. Give me some particular sights and sounds, or at the very least tell me what some of the 'high class shops' are. What does 'high class' even mean here?

Likewise with the Archium (very cool name, by the way). You give two sentences to the external structure and then go into more detail with the flowers. That seems a bit odd. I would have thought seeing the Archium the first time would take Kenton's attention a lot more. You don't have to put everything down the first time because that would be overload, but give us enough to visualise the edifice and pop in bits and pieces later as they catch Kenton's eye.

The carriage. I am somewhat confused by the size of this vehicle, since Kenton occupies the interior with several trunks, one of which takes up a seat. How many seats does it have? Is Kenton forced to sit on the floor? Why aren't the trunks on the back, or partly on the roof (though I know you've got 'light holes' in the roof)? And just watch that use of 'buckboard'. I immediately thought of a wagon from a western. If you mean driver's seat, just say it that way for sense.

The magic. I really liked the way you explained/showed the kinetomancy at work, and added the magical lacing to both the letter and the doors of the circular room. Without those, we wouldn't really remember we were in a magical world so it's timely to have the magic pop up now and then.

The anonymous letter. The letter itself was great, though I thought the I bet you have no idea of what they are truly like. almost too colloquial. But I'm mentioning it here because I was trying to 'see' the letter and got myself confused over the description of the parchment and the magic/seal. Is the letter in an envelope, and does the magic lacing cover the seal on the envelope? Or, is the letter just folded and the seal is over the fold? If neither of these things, then what is the point of the magic lacing if the letter is open for viewing straight off? So, basically, what I'm saying is can you make it clear what format the letter shows up in?

Structure & Consistency
Mostly I use this heading when I'm reviewing multiple chapters for a story. Since I'm hoping you'll put more chapters up that I can read, I'm keeping it here. Aside from the current slight issue with the multiple spellings of names, I thought everything else was consistent. Your characters didn't act out of character, they didn't change hair colour or clothes part way through. We're usually on the ball with these things but often we are only dealing with one or two people. You've got six so you'll need to be careful they don't trick you into changing them or mixing them up.

Three bits popped out that didn't match.

1: He quickly picked up all the wasted paper and put them in one of his trunks. and He saw the pile of ruined letters and knew it might be a while before he could finish the job. The first is just before he applies is kinetomancy, the second is after he's read the anonymous letter. Are the ruined letters packed away or not?

2: "Thank you, " said Kenton as he exited the carriage. and As Kenton exited the carriage and did a few stretches... These are two paragraphs apart.

3: "Yes, but it was a near thing; I just arrived myself for the meeting; shall we walk together?"
"Lead the way."
Blyth walked up the covered stairs of the Archium, and Kenton followed closely behind. This is me nit-picking but when one says 'walk together' I don't expect one to be trailing, even if Kenton has told him to 'lead the way'. I'd read that as a figure of speech, not literally.


*Notepad* Writing Style & Grammar
Despite what is below in Things to Work On, your writing is fairly easy to read and understand. You've done a great job at getting this chapter to flow seamlessly through the various actions and keeping those actions in control. We have suspense, we have funny moments, we have backstory and it all melds together quite nicely.

And I'm one of those readers who appreciate you didn't go overboard with flowery text. I'm a sparse user of metaphors and similes myself and very much liked the fact your story kept a plain and simple face. Kenton seems very down-to-earth and I think the way the story is written complements that. Not that I'm going to be horrified if you do add in some floral language!

Favorite Lines
Well, I've already mentioned that I like Torin's answer to Kenton's "When did you come in?" as well as the opening "Damn it to hell!" They both perk up the story.

I also thought the driver's response to Kenton questioning why it'd take so long to get to the Archium was brilliant: "It's a crowded city, sir." I imagined the driver whisper 'duh!' to himself before he answered.

He let go of the remaining energy collected by the motion of his arms; it rose off him like mist rising from a lake. - this is actually a really nice image, oddly peaceful. I guess one might feel that way once they've had a clean.

Things to Work On
In my 'request a review' blurb I said that I'm not really a nit-picker of grammar. In most cases, this is true because everyone has their faults and quirks. There are a few grammar rules I refuse to follow *Smile* so I don't like to point the finger too much as others. I do my best to avoid being a 'do as I say, not as I do' sort of reviewer/writer.

However, as I read, there were three things that you did consistently enough to end up bugging me into mentioning them here.

1: the semi-colon. I don't believe I've ever seen it so often as in this chapter. You have 34; that may sound minimal in a 4800-odd word piece but it really is quite overwhelming. I think most of them could become full stops. There are plenty of grammar guides on the web and here on WDC, but ~A.J. Lyle~ Author Icon's Improving Your Editing Skills: A Pause for Punctuation Identification, Part II from "Invalid Entry" Open in new Window. provides a very quick guide.

2: long dialogue with a 'he said' right at the very end. An example is: "Torin does not attend every meeting; he only shows up to meetings where we decide very important issues; this meeting will be very light," said Eleanor. Quite aside from bearing two ; the reader almost runs out of breath with the dialogue. And reading through several sentences before we get to the 'said Eleanor' makes the 'said Eleanor' slightly pointless. We already know she's been saying it! Break it up: "Torin does not attend every meeting," said Eleanor. "He only shows up to meetings where we decide very important issues. This meeting will be very light."

3: lack of contractions. Now, this is me at my pickiest but I got very tired of reading I will, I am, he is, was not etc. Along with the passive could and a whole bunch of was I felt the story became stilted and rigid, almost like it had to maintain a stiff upper lip. I'm not saying use contractions every time, of course, but let there be more of them just to relax the story and to make it more comfortable for the reader. Here's an example: "If we had more time, I would give you a full tour, but there is no time to lose," said Blyth. Grammatically, no issue but Blyth doesn't sound very accommodating here with the stiffness of these words. Here's just one of may ways you can soften it: "If we had more time, I'd give you a full tour," said Blyth. 'But we've no time to lose." (I changed that last 'there is' to 'we've' because it matches the first sentence about whose time this is.)

I do have other suggestions so I'm going to send them in an email. I don't want you to see them here and worry. They're just things I think you could do to make this story even better than it is but it might seem a bit overwhelming in this review. And because they're my own opinion they don't need to be so baldly public.


*Sun* Conclusion
Ben, I liked this chapter and I can't wait to see where it goes and how Kenton copes with his new life. It seems to me that he might have to continuously fend off a certain Madame Lisadar and probably also Master Tarsus who seemed overly enthusiastic to have the young man join the club. And I want to see how their various forms of 'mancy come into play.

Please do let me know when you post further chapters. Even if you don't want me to review them, I still want to read them!

Many kind regards,
Os

Tome of Artistry Membership
127
127
Review of The Wilted Mask  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Pen Name Author Icon

When I saw that you had requested a poetry review from me I almost wondered if you meant to pick someone else, since poetry and I are not at all well acquainted *Smile*. However, I do like reading poetry and I'm quite happy to review "The Wilted Mask" Open in new Window., just bear in mind my lack of qualification (which means I'll come at this from a reader's point of view, not a poet's).


*FlowerR* Reader Impressions
When it comes to poetry, I am a big fan of free, unstructured verse. I admire the skill of poets who rhyme and fit to a type of poetry but prefer to read free. It feels like it comes right out of the heart. So, this poem connected with me straight away and I thought the opening sentence was a particularly intriguing one. It's visual but also highlights immediately that this poem is going to have emotional depth to it.

By the end of the first verse, that emotional depth is fully apparent; we're dealing with the death of a loved one and working through guilt and grief (that final sentence here is really strong).

Aside from the loss of a brother (well, I'm presuming a brother because of the final verse of the poem) we've also got the poet questioning their own existence, dealing with their own issues. I like that you've described this seeking 'answers' as a thirst, and it seems that the thirst is both the loss/grief and hope.

The use of the Rubicon meant something to me. This is the river of intent, that Julius Caesar crossed when he came to take control of Rome (with the famous saying alea jacta est (the die is cast; or something like that *Smile*). He'd crossed the point of no return and had made his intention clear. In this poem, the river is 'unseen'. Originally I was thinking - oh, right, the decision's made and there's no going back. But a re-read now has me think the opposite. This lost narrator hasn't made a decision, nothing is final, no dice have been cast; there are still two paths that can be followed. And that is why the river is 'unseen'.

Forgive me, I'm probably sounding like a nutter! The more I read into this poem the deeper I get with wells, hope (which spring eternal like a well), and other things. While you might be secretly deciding to never ask me to review again, I hope this does tell you that this poem has quite an emotional impact and it makes a person think.


*FlowerR* Tone and Mood
I would really hope that this was simply a poem that came to you rather than you writing from experience, because this is really quite heart-wrenching and speaks of a lot of suffering which no one should have to go through. Overall, the tone and mood are sad, with a strong mix of confusion and searching.

The last verse appears to be more upbeat - a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. However, I was a little puzzled about the having a hand around the brother's neck. That seemed rather sinister, and a little out of place given it seemed we'd started out with a brother who had committed suicide. Or did I not read those opening lines correctly? It really looked like the narrator had been holding the brother under water (physically or metaphorically) for some reason; as if he's been hating him instead of appreciating/loving him.


*FlowerR* What I liked
The two-line verse regarding questions and answers was rather powerful; partly because of its size but also because if its very basic rendering; you've not invoked metaphors, similes or other flourishing poetic devices. And it links strongly to the special words from the first verse. Could that one answer have saved the person? Could saving the person then answer the narrator's questions. The verse had a sense of hopeless too since these answers will not be forthcoming.

The grief, confusion, loss, searching are all nicely strengthened by the words you use. For example: deep enduring craving, cornerstone of my foundation, unimaginable in its possession. And beyond that you talk of the massive universe, and that what the soul is craving is bigger even than those immeasurable things.

I also like that what this poem is about is not really explicit. I think you can see from my comments that I've been reading the poem in several different ways, and I really do think that it can be. But did you intend that? If you did, then the title work wonders too, as if you're still searching for it and also allowing readers to come up with their own!


*FlowerR* Punctuation and Grammar
It always feels a bit off to be correcting wording, grammar etc in poetry. Firstly because I think a poet has more prerogative to play around with words than a prose writer and secondly because I think punctuation rules can totally be disregarded.

However, there were a few things I wanted to mention here because they caused me a little bit of trouble in either understanding or in reading flow. And a few nitpicking grammar things which you are, of course, totally free to ignore.

There is a deep well | Who holds the clearest - I would tend to use 'that' here instead of 'who' unless you're meaning that the well is a person or animate sort of entity.

... I saw the crows | Feat and sunken eyes - I think you might mean 'feet' here?

If we could only have..... |... To you, I may have - you start off with the plural but end up with just I; making it seem like it's the I's fault. I think you need to have either 'we' for both or 'I' for both.

Some Shepard or must - Shepherd

The cold dark night to | Which Thomas spoke of. - I understand the meaning of this pair of lines but they are quite awkward to read. I would suggest changing the 'to' to 'of' and removing the final 'of' so that you have The cold dark night of | which Thomas spoke.

Foundation to which has no - remove the 'to'

The last hurdle that I must | Overcome is to only let - it took me a few passes to get this pair of lines. I think it's because I expect 'only to' rather than 'to only'

Watch it's. Unless it's a contraction of 'it is' you don't need the apostrophe.

I don't know if you would consider this or not, or even if it is allowed, but I'd only use capital letters at the beginning of each line if they start off a sentence (or if you want them capitalised for emphasis). You have a distinct lack of punctuation and as I was reading through the poem again I realised that lack and the capitals were throwing off some of my understanding.


*FlowerR* Closing Comments
I liked this poem; it was very heart-felt and both dark and light at the same time, filled with loss and with hope. It really made me think quite deeply about what was going on and what struggles the narrator was trying to work through.

I'm not sure what you expected from this review but I hope it has given you encouragement to keep writing and posting on this site. I would read more, so just let me know. But if I never hear from you again, that's okay too *Smile*.

And, lastly, if anything I've said needs clarification don't hesitate to ask for it!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Tome of Artistry Membership
128
128
Review of The Story of Us  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi VickyRafaelChristensen Author Icon

I found "The Story of Us" Open in new Window. under Read a Newbie that sits on the left-hand side of all WdC's pages, and your logline intrigued me. That and the names. I've always been partial to Rafael as a name. I also almost exclusively write male/male these days so anything like that intrigues me. So, that tiny explanation aside, I'd like to offer you a review.


Reader Impressions
Well, let me be honest here. Male/male, romance, angels, Hell, first person narration - my kinda thing so you can be pretty much assured I was going to like this tiny story no matter how it was written, and I want to keep reading. Rafael and Christensen are two VERY opposite people and it will be fun to see how they get along, whether the angel can cope with Rafael's blatant ogling, whether Rafael will ever take note of anything again that isn't Christensen!

Plot and characters aside, I did feel your writing was a tad haphazard. I do like the way the thoughts flow in both Rafael and Christensen's POV sections but there were sections that did disrupt my reading flow. Nothing that can't be changed, of course - and though I may suggest some here, do remember you're the author and it's your right to tell me to go to Hell (just as long as there's a 7-foot angel coming to get me out!).


Strengths
This story made me laugh. Rafael comes across as a totally erratic, probably unreliable person but full of good humour, friendliness and suffering perhaps from a little bit of a libido problem. All in all, his narration provides the hook for the reader to want more. You know, I didn't even really care that the mission he was sent on never really made it into the story!! (Though, you might need to do something about that because the serious side of me says - don't change the plot half way through a piece. The reader will wonder why Rafael is bored and then they'll go: hey wait, what mission? After that they'll re-read to see if they missed something and realise they didn't, just that you changed the plot on them.

I thought it was extra funny that Christensen is being sort of staid and then when we hit Rafael's POV again, he's not picking up any 'odd' vibe from the angel and is rather in la-la-land. You can practically see his thoughts for the forthcoming days! And obviously I like the split narration. It fits with your title - the story is about both of them and they are both entitled to give their side of it.


Bits I liked a lot:

Anywhooo I think I was making him uncomfortable because I was staring at him and possibly his junk, which was huge!!! - very funny and illustrates Rafael's wide-open nature. And I think 'possibly' is 'absolutely totally' Well, given the angel is seven foot, it's likely eye-level is a lot lower than on someone of a smaller height. *Smile* And some might tell you to kill off the multiple exclamation marks but I think they work well here to emphasise where Rafael's thoughts lay, better than if you'd just italicised 'huge'.

He also had dark brown eyes that look like melted chocolate. - really easy to visualise this but I'd suggest making it a bit more active - something like His dark eyes were like melted chocolate. That seems to me to be a much more sudden, direct thought. They didn't 'look like', they 'were'. It puts more strength into Christensen's panic about how he's reacting.

As I pulled him out he was yelling about "You took longer than 30 minutes the pizza is free!" - poor Christensen! He's probably wondering what he's done to deserve a very odd human such as this. I sense Rafael is very high maintenance, but also very cute with it. I can visualise him yelling about the free pizza and doing a happy dance.


Suggestions
I'm not usually a major commentator on grammar but there comes a point where even I can't ignore some things. Usually they relate to how I read a story, and how it affects my flow. Remember, everything here is just my opinion. Accept, ignore, modify - it's your choice.

My brother must be feeling very daring today as he came into my room, yelling "Bro! Wake up there is someone here with a mission for you!" and walking out. - in general, a good opening hook but I didn't like the present tense for the brother's actions, or it could just have been the way it was phrased. It felt awkward. And why would Rafael's brother feel 'daring' anyway? I think you need to sort it and I would, in fact, suggest cutting it back. Something like: My brother came into my room, yelled 'Bro! Wake up, there's someone here with a mission for you!' and walked out without waiting for a response. You can still keep Rafael's reaction in the present tense. (By the way, did you intend to have Rafael's POV as present tense and Christensen's as past? It does work and certainly separates the two narrators clearly, but do think about how it works - and keep to one tense for each. Christensen's sort of swaps between present and past.)

Please look over your punctuation. It's there to help the reader. This sentence (well, multiple) is a prime example: "Hello Angela" I say "What is it that you need? She looked at me and smirked and said "Boy, do I have a mission for you!" Here's the suggested punctuation: "Hello Angela," I say. "What is it that you need?" She looked at me and smirked and said, "Boy, do I have a mission for you!"

Watch your 'and' when you mean 'an'. Easy mistake to type but it really screws up your sentences.

longish dirty blonde hair - if the reader is expecting a hot angel, then 'dirty' isn't going to cut it. This makes him sound like he hasn't washed in a week. And what does dirty blonde look like any way? Sandy?

Now I'm hoping some sexy ass angel with some abs and an ass comes down here and is like hey sexy whats your name?? - actually I like this running-at-full-tilt thought, but it's awkward. The way it reads it's like not everyone has an ass! And to be honest, I'm sick of reading 'ass' when it should be 'arse'. Ridiculous, I know but that's just me. I'm going to make the following suggestion: Now, I'm hoping some sexy ass angel with tight abs and ass comes down here and is like hey sexy whats your name??

Anywhore, I have been waiting for 30 minutes now and all of a sudden I hear and angelic (A/N: Angelic=Angel hahaha get it its a pun and puns are puny!! ok bye) voice from behind me say "Hello, are you Rafael?" - don't know if you meant to spell 'anywhore' like that but it kinda works! However, what the heck is with the bit in brackets? It's straight out odd and doesn't really fit. I wonder if that's because you've got hear and angelic when you mean 'an' there but I'd recommend just getting rid of it. It doesn't do anything to the story and I can't see a pun.

And you need to up your rating. Using the good old F-word here means it needs to be 18+.


Closing Comments
Alright, though I've listed a decent number of things I thought needed to change that does not mean I didn't like the story. I did; in fact I really want to see how it carries on so please do keep writing. Maybe it's just me but Rafael comes across as kinda cute and needing some attention. That raises questions of why, and I think back to his brother's 'daring' and also the mission. You've got a lot of story you have not yet explained - probably you didn't quite mean for that to be a hook, but it is and you've got me at least wanting more.

Do contact me if anything I've rambled about needs clarifying, and I'm totally up for re-reading the story if you like once you've edited it (not that you HAVE too *Wink*)


Best wishes,
Osirantinous

Rockin May 2014 Reviewer

FORUM
The LGBT Writing Contest - closed Open in new Window. (18+)
Short story contest (with great prizes) for LGBT characters. Closed June & July.
#1980539 by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
129
129
Review of Like any other  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi paintmelikeiam Author Icon

I was just perusing the Noticing Newbies page and came across "Like any other" Open in new Window.. Though I didn't know what contest you were writing it for I was intrigued to see just what you were writing. Well, having read the story I still wouldn't have a clue about the contest but that hardly matters *Smile*

I'd like to offer the following review (and wish you luck!).


Reader Impressions
Well, I was ready for fantasy in terms of dragons, magic, castles etc. You know how we judge a book by it's cover? Clearly, I'm like that with genre titles too. Yet fantasy also has several other qualities, including that dream-like quality where we all fantasise about something or someone and when I read this story it's that 'fantasy' that I felt. Who wouldn't want to find a sort of soul-mate as Maria does here? As well as that, there's probably a lot of us who would like to be in a book.

So anyway... I liked this story. It has a complete arc (beginning, middle and end), and the end is satisfying. I'd originally felt a sort of 'oh my god, he's got MY book' kind of defensiveness but then I relaxed and realised sometimes it's nice to share. And I liked that little bit of fate woven in. As Maria says - eight years and they never really crossed paths. It's all about timing, and it's kinda scary/sad to think that it would have just carried on if she hadn't stopped to help her mother. A true 'what if' sort of story here.

I think the fact this takes place in a library, with a favourite book, would also speak to readers. We all have that favourite tome we read over and over again, living in the story. Whether we're trying to escape our own lives or not doesn't necessarily need to be answered; it's the fact we can be safe and secure in a book that's the point. The line I have all the friends I need in my books. probably rings true for a lot of us. For me, my characters are my friends.


Strengths
Ah well, I'm a person who likes romance and a happy ending, and you delivered both those things to me. I wasn't left with any questions or heartache. I also wanted to see what happened next, which I consider to be a strength. Making the reader wish you'd written more is a nice skill to have. (I do remember you've written this for a contest, so it probably has a word limit which prevents more story. Doesn't mean you can't write a sequel though *Smile*)

I love the sentiments of the following lines:
I finally turn into the isle and see it.
The problem is, it's in the hands of a boy in my class.
I stop dead in my tracks. What is he doing here? I think to myself. Nobody from my class comes here, and I can't believe he'd be reading that! - the first is an 'oh my god, someone's got my book' and then it's a 'holy heck, he's in my class!' followed by 'seriously? He reads this stuff?' It's a whole gamut of emotions and they're all beautifully clear. Defence, recognition, surprise/shock (with a little judgement thrown in for good measure).


Suggestions
This is where I mention things that disrupted my flow. Sometimes grammar, sometimes spelling, and somethings things that just made me go 'huh? what?'

At my high school, I feel like an outcast. - I'd suggest taking out 'my high' here. You've mentioned this already in the previous sentence so this is just an unnecessary double up (and if you are writing to a word limit then double-ups can impinge on that).

"It's my favorite book too. There doesn't happen to be more than one copy, does there?" I finally got out.
Ryan looked shocked. "Wow. I guess I never knew we had so much in common." He smiled again but this time it warmed me to my core. He turned and looked back at the bookcase.
"No, sorry. There's only one. But we could read it together. I'm free after work from five to seven, think we could meet up here?" - there's nothing wrong with the sentences themselves but I thought the ordering was a little off kilter. When taken as a bunch like this Ryan's initial response doesn't match with Maria's words entirely. He is simply commenting that they have a lot in common (goes with Maria's first sentence) but it reads like an answer to Maria's final sentence, and of course it doesn't match. And then finally he answers the initial question. I would suggest turning Ryan's responses round. Have him look for a second book first and apologise that there isn't one and then say 'wow, I didn't realise we had so much in common'. (Not that I'm suggesting a rewording here..., though what you do have is a bit less colloquial that I'd expect in a teenager.) If I was judging this contest, the ordering's something I'd pick up as a I didn't feel it was quite right sort of thing.


Closing Comments
I really like that the power of a book can bring people together. I've never read The Secret Garden, though I think I've seen a movie made from it? So many people have mentioned it as their favourite so I really must find myself a copy. Besides a little bit of tightening up on your structure, I think you've got a strong story here. As I said, it left me with no questions, just a sort of longing for more. A pleasant, lighthearted and feel-good story. In fact, something that I would probably come back to again and again for those reasons.


Best of luck for the contest, and don't hesitate to contact me if there's anything that needs clarifying.


Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
130
130
Review of Game On  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Maverick Jone Author Icon

I was looking at the short stories on the Noticing Newbies page and "Game On" Open in new Window. caught my eye. I like a good romance and I played badminton in school so it seemed a good combination for me to read.

And I offer up the following review to you, and ask you to bear in mind that any comments or suggestions are only my own. You are the master of your work so please ignore, accept or totally modify anything I've said.


*Tree* The Big Picture
The overall story is really sweet - two people (one shy, one perhaps lonely and hurting) meeting over a shared love of badminton and then of chicken rolls and forming a growing friendship. One that might develop into a relationship even. It has plenty of conflict - Rohan's shyness, Priyanka's ex boyfriend, the badminton competition - to keep it moving forward, and I very much like that we have a circular sort of plot. We start with Rohan's shyness and we end with it.

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think English is your first language. I say that because there are a few words not used in quite their usual manner and many of your sentences have a old-fashioned formal quality to them, often with an unusual order. To be honest, that could just be how you choose to write and I won't say it's wrong. In fact, I thought that the formal olden-day feel to your writing gave the story a sort of charm. It made me feel, in fact, that this story is not set in modern day 2014.


*Star* Strengths
The plot is simple but you give it so much depth by creating rounded characters. We don't have much of a physical description of either Rohan or Priyanka but we get an idea of their inner characters through their actions and words. I can imagine that for someone as shy as Rohan Priyanka's forthrightness must be quite scary (but possibly also quite thrilling).

It is also nice to have a friendship/relationship develop quite slowly, and how you've displayed it here is quite different to what I've been reading lately. I appreciated the fact there was no kissing or anything of that sort, even though it was clear attraction was felt by both parties.

As someone who has played badminton in the past I appreciated the 'action shots', especially Rohan served. Nitin received, lifted it high, and Priyanka shot it. I visualised this easily, and wished I was still playing now! I would like to have seen a little bit more of the action when Rohan and Priyanka first play though as the game is the background of this story.

Bits I liked a lot:

Priyanka came to him, and simply, without a pinch of reluctance, asked him if he could give her company for some snacks - the latter half of this sentence about the company is understandable though not strictly grammatical, however it's the pinch of reluctance I want to highlight. I'm not sure I've seen this phrase used before but it's really strong, shows without doubt that this girl is not shy at all. Nice use.

"By the way, my name is Priyanka, and do I have to ask for yours?" - more evidence that she isn't shy. I like her forthright way of speaking!

Money wasn't a problem to him, but he disliked people who did not respect their own words. - I like this way of talking about people who don't follow up their own words (or even actions). I never thought about it in terms of respecting themselves but it is quite true!

And it was these events which made him realise that his life without her was not very much more than a silent movie. - I love this way of describing a life without a friend (or lover) in it, without the friendly chatter.


*Apple* Suggestions and Questions
I would suggest you do check out some of the words you've used - especially apprehend and legitimate.

While he was just processing the situation, she apprehended his hesitation correctly - while apprehend could be said to be usable here I think most people would say it's not correct, thinking of it as arrest, detain, capture etc. You use the word a lot but I think you'd be better of (in this case at least) with something like appraise instead (evaluate, judge) which would still give you a lyrical quality to the sentence.

This was something off the usual Priyanka he knew, but was legitimate. I know what you mean - that Priyanka's reaction was authentic but 'legitimate' isn't really the word you want. I would actually be inclined to suggest you take off the last three words; they're not really needed here, as the sentence stands quite strongly without them.

I must admit once I realised the relationship between Priyanka and Nitin, I didn't then understand Nitin's earlier reaction of "Is she shy or what? She didn't heed us." Wouldn't he know why she ignored him?

He cut her off and with prudent intonation asked, "Why is it that he was your boyfriend?" - firstly, what do you mean by prudent intonation? And what is Rohan actually asking here? Is the emphasis on 'was' here, in finding out why the pair aren't together any more? (and you need 'off' there at the beginning, otherwise it looks like he physically cut her).

Priyanka and Rahul, the new champions, - you've suddenly changed the name of the male character (twice actually in this paragraph).


*Tree* Closing Comments
I liked this story. I did find that sometimes the language made it difficult to comprehend some sentences but a slower re-read always cleared that up. I did make some suggestions for wording changes, too, but overall I found your writing to be quite charming. And as I said, I like romance and badminton and enjoyed the combination here (especially with Priyanka taking charge). I'd love to see you write more on these two - such as when they come to defend their doubles title. Will they still be friends? Will they have developed their relationship?

In any case, I'm pleased to have read Game On and I hope you find something in this review that encourages you to keep writing onwards and upwards. Don't forget that I'm just one of thousands on here, so if you don't agree with something I've said don't worry too much about it (every reviewer will have something different to say!). Let me know if I need to clarify anything too.

Kindest regards,
Osirantinous

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"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
131
131
Review of The parcel  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Alison Author Icon

I was perusing the Noticing Newbies page and came across "The parcel" Open in new Window.. The title combined with the genre of 'mystery' was compelling, and so I read your short story and would like to offer a review. Just note that everything said is just my opinion, and I'm only one of thousands on here. You're the boss when it comes to your writing so ignore, accept or modify my comments as you see fit.


*Gifto* The Big Picture
I think you and I may have found the same prompt because I've written a short story recently that follows along this same route - an unexpected package arrival (mine's a locked box though) and a thoroughly unexpected item in the package. Funnily enough, mine was also a finger! I guess parcels and boxes bring out that sort of response in us. I'd rather jewelry too, just like your character.

Anyway, so I was hooked from the opening lines and using 'It' to describe the package just makes it all the more mysterious. Following on from the arrival, your character's reaction was intriguing. I would do the mental check too but then I'd probably sit it down and leave it. I would possibly be a bit too concerned to go about opening it! Your character was quite clinical, and cynical. When we reach the final lines we go back over the character's thoughts and actions and think holy cow, all that rattling and shaking was a finger. Ewwww. Not to mention, the box has been sitting around for two weeks! Quite aside from 'mystery' you've got a nice bit of horror to go on with.


*Gifto* Strengths
Short stories - especially those under 1000 words - can be difficult to write. Just because it's short doesn't mean you can skimp on a plot or a story arc. This little story doesn't skimp at all, and you've done it all under 500 words! The plot's clean and clear - a mysterious package arrives that eggs on a character to keep anticipation alive. The climax clears up the mystery and probably kills off any desire for anticipation at a later stage (probably also for ordering anything through the web!). The climax also pushes the reader to continue thinking about the story long after it's finished. Who's finger? Why was it sent to this woman? How the heck did no one notice a smell coming from the box? What happened to the son after he opened the box? You could write a sequel, you know.

I also like the humour here, though it's not obvious. Or maybe it is just me finding something funny in how the anticipation turned out.


*Gifto* Suggestions
I'm a bit confused about these two sentences: 'Whatever...I haven't ordered anything.' Teenage son with typical ego-centrical logic.

The sentence previous to these is a comment made by the character's husband, and I thought the speech here was her response. However, the latter sentence makes me think it's the son speaking - except why would he say this? Is he just making a comment? If so, it's a bit out of the blue and I'd suggest just leading it in a little more.

What a disappointment. The boy's patience had run out. - there's no previous indication that the son wanted his mum to open the package. The husband is not patient, however, so maybe he should have been the one to open the package? I'd also suggest putting 'obviously' in between 'patience' and 'had run out' here. At the moment, combined with what a disappointment it reads as if the disappointment is at the boy losing his patience. It probably is, but it reads almost mean. I feel like it's a disappointment that the box has been opened, rather than at the boy himself. Putting 'obviously' just makes that latter statement more fact-feeling than a judgement. Hmm, have I made sense here?


*Gifto* Closing Comments
I liked this little story, packed with wry humour, mystery and horror at the end. I especially liked seeing how someone else used that (probable) same prompt - sometimes I get stuck thinking that you can only write something one way, but it's so untrue! I love to see a sequel......

In any case, I hope you keep finding prompts to egg you on to writing (and entering those prompt-oriented contests - at which I think you'd do just fine). Don't forget to contact me if something hasn't made sense.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
132
132
Review of Dream On  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sing Me A Story Author Icon

I found "Dream On " Open in new Window. on the "Please Review" Open in new Window. page and thought the genres combined with the log-line of This is just a dream was an intriguing hook. So I have taken a look and I offer up a little review for you (or, rather, a reader reaction).


*Blockv* The Big Picture
Your opening paragraph was really good, and I thought to myself that yes, sometimes I feel that way. Usually it's the best dreams that you get broken rudely out of; the nasty ones never get caught by the alarm clock!

The single-sentence second paragraph gives us the heads-up that this story is not going to be all sweet and lovely, but as I started reading I really had no idea of where the plot was heading. I liked that fact because it added suspense to the telling and, frankly, what dream or nightmare has ever followed a plot path!

Furthermore it wasn't until that final quarter of the story that we learn the real nightmare - that Celia's younger sister was hit and killed by a train. It appears to be Celia's guilt that is causing the nightmare - presumably she hadn't been able to pull her sister back in time or something like that. It makes the dream go from a mildly unpleasant and wacky dream to a very disturbing one, made more so because it is recurring and ends in different ways. The stress that must add to the dreamer is undeniable. The scary bit is that while Celia is dreaming, she knows she's dreaming. She knows she's stuck in a seemingly never-ending nightmare, and I almost got that feeling she was somehow dead too and suffering this nightmare as a sort of punishment.


*Blockv* Strengths
This may sound kind of odd but the major strength of this story - aside from the suspense - is that it really read like a dream. Random events, random settings, part memories, time travel, reality and fantasy blurring. To my mind, this was a perfectly written dream sequence and when nothing made sense that was perfectly fine because it's how dreams go.

The circular nature of the story heightens the scariness. For someone to have a recurring dream like this it must be exhausting - to know what they're going to dream and what the outcome is likely to be, to know they're going to suffer all the guilt and grief they've been suffering for years. And then to know they're all but forced too - it's enough to make anyone quite crazy.

You have multiple settings in this short story and each of them is nicely described. I'm a visual reader, imagining it all in my head as I go; and I was able to picture all of the different stores Celia and Trina visited, their dresses even so I felt like I was in the dream too. That's a strength here - the more the reader feels like they're involved, the better.

Your title's great too - it has the 'get real' meaning of dream on and also a dream onwards (i.e. recurring) meaning. Nice.


*Blockv* Suggestions
I'm sure someone would tell me off for making this suggestion but I think you could use contractions a little more. Some of the sentences feel quite stiff - At first, I did not realize I was dreaming. and She did not elaborate, and I did not feel the need to push the issue. are two examples. I doubt dreams care about being all polite and correct, and they are fairly colloquial beasts so didn't, couldn't, wouldn't - you won't kill this story if you have a few.


*Blockv* Closing Comments
I really liked the story; it lived up to its genres, had a complete story arc and yet still gave room for reader imagination (is Celia really dreaming or not?). I wish you all the luck getting this published.


Please don't hesitate to let me know if anything I've said needs clarifying!

Best wishes,
Os

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"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
133
133
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Open thoughts Author Icon

I was looking over the Noticing Newbies page and your short story caught my interest. Dentists and thriller/suspense go hand in hand for most people!! So I've just read "Trapped in Darkness." Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer my thoughts.


Reader Thoughts
Back in my primary school days I don't recall fearing the dentist, though whenever I went I usually came out with a new filling. The fear, for me, was the fact that once I was out of the chair I'd have to go into another class and deliver a note to the teacher who'd direct the next victim on their way. Chronic shyness was worse than the dentist. These days I don't like going to the dentist because of the pain to the wallet!

However, I'm sure there are plenty of readers who'll totally sympathise with Johnny and start reliving their own nightmares during their reading.

I was somewhat confused, though, at who was in the dentist's chair. Firstly I read it as Johnny being in the chair, dreaming as he's under an anesthetic - since the darkness, the opening eyes lead me that way. But by the end I wasn't sure. It turned around to be as if Johnny has been relegated to the waiting room and it was his mother visiting the dentist. However, that sort of didn't make sense if I saw her as the one screaming and then suddenly telling her son that visiting the dentist wasn't so bad. And then... it seemed as if the woman with the dental gauze and the boy reaching for her weren't Johnny and his mum.

I might once have said that you really need to clear up all this confusion, but it actually kind of works! You intended to write something with a thriller/suspense theme, and you have. The plot can work in so many different ways and the reader may just end up as nervous as Johnny trying to figure out what's going on!


Strengths and Suggestions
As above, the confusion hinders and helps all in one and I'd call that a strength here. With the reader unable to quite figure out what's going on, you heighten the tension.

The rambling sentences equate to panicked thought, so even though some aren't really grammatically correct they fit with the story. No one in a panic cares about grammar!

I would recommend making the actual speech sections more clear. I understand that it's almost reported speech from Johnny's view but for reading clarity I'd suggest putting the speech either into italics or with speech marks. Something like: My mom with her Brooklyn lisp telling me, see Johnny the Dentist isn't so bad, is he?

The thoughts filling my mine - think you mean mind here, rather than mine. I would also take out 'the' as you never go on to say what the thoughts filling the mind actually do. Thoughts fill my mind would make that sentence more complete.

As my eyes began to focus I notice - you've written this story in the present tense (which strengthens the panic and fear) so began here really should be begin.

Your opening sentence immediately hooks the reader. And it's not until some time later we realise it's all about a dentist (nice suspense). The final lines give us the outcome, tie the story's plot into a tidy end. However, I think the ! is out of place here - it cuts the last sentence in half, making the final words incomplete (and almost the opposite of Johnny's decision). How about: With a sigh of relief I responded to my mom that it was nothing. But I swore to myself that day, I would never go to a dentist again. I've put the but in there because otherwise the response that it was nothing is totally negated by the final decision and it reads weirdly. The 'but' tells us Johnny's being brave to his mother all the while feeling the opposite.


Closing Comments
An intriguing little story, written to exact serious suspense and panic. And when the reader realises a dentist's involved it's likely to cause memories of their own visits - both in terms of being the 'victim' and in being the one waiting outside while someone else is the 'victim'.

Keep up with your writing, and I look forward to reading more in the future. Don't hesitate to question anything I've said. I'm only one reader among thousands on here and you'll find everyone's got their own opinions! Take or leave suggestions and comments as you see fit.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
134
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Review of Legacy  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jeff Author Icon

I've just read "Legacy" Open in new Window., and am reviewing it as part of my irregular reviews for "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..


*Tree*Reader Impressions
Carl Sagan is right; reading is a form of time travel and the quote works perfectly with your story line. Did the quote act as the prompt for this story? If not, you couldn't have found a better fit!

When reading the first couple of paragraphs - immersed in a world of swords, regents and the Outer Realm - I kind of agreed with the narrator. The book seemed a rather out of place gift. But I came to learn just as the narrator did that the written word was just as powerful. To be honest, I didn't expect it to be a journal but actually something like a spell-book or even a book of tales (though, not quite sure why the latter) so this was a nice hook, something that kept me reading to see how the story ended.

Legacy is not only a short story but a lesson to be learned - in any age! We are so very quick to jump on the bandwagon of new and exciting things, forgetting how blissfully happy we were without them not so long ago. Here I am typing on a laptop, hooked to the web. Though I do write my stories pencil on paper, when was the last time I sent real mail? Or frankly, phoned someone? And when the internet goes down we all panic. We could all take a leaf out of your narrator's book!!


*Star*Strengths
I'm not sure readers like being taught truths these days, so I very much think a strength of this story is that the lesson snuck upon the reader. Socked out of the blue, the reader is more likely to go hmmm, yeah, you're talking some sense here, and hopefully go forth in learned splendor.

I really like first-person narrators and to me that was a good choice for this story. Thoughts and feelings are more personal, and the lesson learned strikes home more strongly. The character's colloquial yet miffed story-telling is so what I'd expect of a young man expected to go on a pretty serious journey with a book, when his comrades are getting weapons. He is that classic son finding out that his father actually does know best.


*Apple*Suggestions
That first sentence of the third paragraph is a serious beast at 97 words long. Even with the comma breaks, you need concentration to get through. My first pass consisted of me leaving out the bracketed and hyphened sections. Once I got the gist of the sentence I read it again with those sections added. I wouldn't suggest losing any of the information, because it is very interesting, but is there some way of cutting the sentence in two? I had thought something like: I had tried to convince my mother and father to send my good for nothing younger brother Gaius in my place. However, after hearing... That's pretty basic, I know, but (well, to me) it doesn't really change the sense and does give the reader's brain a bit of help. Then again, maybe it was just this reader with the issues!

I know this is a short story but I thought that the battles through the Outer Realm didn't get enough page time. There was a long lead-up, decent telling of the first 'battle' and night in the keep but the rest of the year's worth of travels in the Outer Realm was relegated to half a paragraph. It almost felt like a long story that's ended in a dream sequence, a quick fix. But I guess that's the only way you can get to the end and deliver the lesson learned/moral of the story. On the other hand, I wasn't at all bothered by the jump in years to when the narrator is having his turn at being considered senile by his son!


*Quill*The Technical Side
I usually comment here on things that stopped my reading flow. I would possibly put that long third paragraph sentence here except for the fact that I wasn't puzzled by it, I was just exhausted by it.

Still, three of us wouldn't even make it to the keep alive, and I noticed – with more sadness than I had anticipated – that I sincerely hoped Lord Damara's third son would succeed where his brothers had failed. - without the hyphened section this reads I noticed that I sincerely hoped... Well, it's nice that he notices his sincere hope but I expect that's not quite what you meant here?

Still, I'm sure the skirmish proved the point they were hoping to make; - 99% if the time this story is past tense. I wouldn't call the present I'm wrong but it sticks out here.


In any case, a nice story with a good lesson that everyone should learn! Well told, easy to read, and totally enjoyable. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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135
135
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi G. B. Williams Author Icon

I was checking out the items on the Please Review page and your poem "The Sun Peeps Through" Open in new Window. all but yelled at me to read it. I'll tell you why. Where I live, we have really only had four or five dry days in the last four weeks. And by 'dry' I don't necessarily mean sunny. It's absolutely hosing down even now as I write this. I'm so sick of the rain (and it's very heavy combined with a driving wind) that I'm just like you in your second last stanza. I think someone has forecast a fine (sunny) weekend for us but I won't believe that until afterwards.

So anyway, I thought I'd offer you a review. I'm generally not a poetry writer, so I may come at this more as a reader rather than any sort of poetry critique-r (though I am learning).


*FlowerR* Reader Impressions
Well, as you already know, this poem rather loudly spoke to me and frankly when I read it I was overcome with jealously. We've all but forgotten what the sun looks like here! Your final stanza gives me some hope.

In this poem you've made the sun the 'weaker' environmental personality (if I remember the word I'm after I'll come back and change it!). And when you've been dealing with days on end, the sun really does appear the weaker. If it was strong, it'd burn off those clouds and dry up that rain. But the sun can also be seen as you (or even as me) - we're hiding away in our houses keeping dry. We might sprint out to the letter box but we scuttle back quickly. Next time we may be out for longer, and finally we realise we're born to be outside and out we go and all is good in the world again. I don't know if you've noticed this phenomenon but the moment we have a sunny day after days/weeks of rain the streets and squares are full of people as if they've come out from hibernation (just like: A picture of happiness and living large.). The places aren't even that full when we get days of sun on end!

And I agree with you - the appearance of the sun can do wonders.


*FlowerR* Tone and Mood
I'm still learning about tone and mood in poetry - what you felt when you wrote, what I felt when I read. You can probably tell what I felt from the above. I think if I were writing this I'd be all doom and gloom and it'd be quite clear, but I found it a little hard to tell that you'd been suffering so long. The language is really quite upbeat - hesitant in terms of the sun's actions, but upbeat nonetheless. It's not really until Changing everything including me who was feeling so blue. that I realise the lack of sun has had consequences.

One thing I did notice was that the rain doesn't really have a face in this poem. You talk of mist and cloudy and overcast, but the rain itself only shows up in the final stanza. It's almost as if the issue has been the lack of sun rather than the abundance of rain causing the lack of sun. Maybe the rain wasn't as evil to you as it currently is to me.


*FlowerR* Rhyme, Form and Flow
If I'm attempting poetry it's almost always non-rhyming. My brain just isn't good enough to write poetry and rhyme at the same time. However, I love reading rhyming poetry because it helps get me into a solid reading cadence, which somehow makes the poetry easier to understand and to visualise. And to visualise the sky being ablaze and the sun in charge was very, very nice.

However, I couldn't quite get the first stanza into the same cadence as the other six. At first I thought it was their length tripping me up but further reads-out-loud make me suggest it's the morning in the second line. To me it blows out the flow (quite besides being a repeat). Reading that line without morning made that line read more smoothly (for me at least).


*FlowerR* Punctuation, Grammar and Other Things
I tend to not make any comments regarding punctuation in poetry as I feel it's a genre where you can make the rules. Grammar goes much the same way. Other Things for me are bits and pieces that stood up and interrupted my reading flow or irked me. All personal opinions of a non-poet of course!

Besides the morning in the first stanza's second line, the one other thing that niggled a bit was the three uses of peeped and one of peeping. Yes, the sun is known for peeping but having the adjective used so many times in a short poem was quite distracting. On the other hand it lends a refrain to the poem. What a sight to see as the sun peeped through. - is there a chance of changing this peeped to perhaps peeked or even speared (the latter being suggested since the sun was earlier emboldened to cut through the haze; speared kind of gives it that battle-winner type feel).


They say that misery loves company, so part of me was happy to find a fellow blue-weather-sufferer. And it's nice to be reminded that the nasty weather isn't permanent. Finally, that last line says a lot about humans too. We don't remain the same. I hate the rain right now but I bet once I've had two weeks of full-on sun and my plants are dying I'll hate the sun. We are as fickle as the sun and rain.

So I'm going to end this before I get seriously off topic. *Smile* Thank you for writing this poem and putting it up for others to read. I enjoyed it.


Very kind regards,
Osirantinous

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"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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136
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi D I Harrison Author Icon

I was perusing the items under Read a Newbie and since I have a fascination with all things Japanese lately the title and log-line of your piece intrigued me. I just had to have a look, and now I want to offer a review of "The Hiroshima Bowl" Open in new Window..

I'm not really a dabbler in poetry myself so this review will be coming from a reader's point of view rather than a fellow poet's!


*FlowerR*Personal Impressions
I liked this poem a lot. It almost feels wrong to say that given the overarching subject but I like the way you've dealt with it through an inanimate object. The bowl kind of reminds me of all the objects found at Pompeii after it was buried with lava and ash from the volcano. The people all died but objects from their daily lives remained and they carry so much weight with them now. They are like physical ghosts, certainly reminders of what used to be. And, of course, they're physical reminders of what happened.

To fire ceramics with glaze
the kiln must reach temperatures
of 1300o Centigrade, - I thought this was brilliant. It's delivered as cold, hard fact; almost as if a recorded voice is reading out instructions. For me it was also a good 'break' between the bowl sitting in the cupboard after the first firing and what comes next.

I would defy anyone who says the last stanza isn't the most powerful part of this poem. It critiques humanity in so many ways (the ease of which a deadly bomb was dropped on one nation by another, the monetary value we put on disasters (have you seen how much Titanic memorabilia goes for?)). This double-fired, coagulated bowl with its shabby ten a yen blooms symbolises those deaths. For me anyway. I might be rambling here but I actually don't know how to put into proper words how much this poem digs into one's psyche.


*FlowerR* Tone and Mood (Emotional Impact)
Tone and Mood are still things I'm learning about in poetry but it does feel to me that perhaps you and I are/were feeling much the same thing as you wrote and I read. This is not a happy poem at all and nothing about how it's written tries to deny that. Even the blooms on the bowl itself aren't particularly 'happy'.

I totally don't know if you thought about the words as you wrote, and put them down so they illustrated the mood but it seems that way to me.


*FlowerR* Rhyme, Form and Flow
There's no rhyme in this poem and I think that makes it all the more beautifully stark. This is fact, not fantasy. And, you know, I also like the fact that it almost reads like a short non-fiction prose piece melded into a poetic sort of format. Again, I think that works with your subject. You describe the bowl in a poetic way but the bomb itself and the last stanza - no pretty words, just statements. You don't take anything away from the nasty facts, you don't hide behind flowery words.


*FlowerR* Grammar and Punctuation
In poetry, for me at least, pretty much anything goes, but there were a couple of things that tripped up my reading flow or seemed a little odd. Take my comments as you see fit because they are simply the comments of just one reader.

Thrown, fired somewhen in the thirties,
A cheap bowl is inside a workaday
Bamboo cupboard; it’s white, burnt - firstly, I in fact like somewhen but others might tell you it's just not English. Some time is possibly a better set of words if you were so inclined. Secondly, is in the second line felt redundant if I were in a poetic mood, but I'd much rather see something like lies, resides or hides... - some other verb of being in the cupboard. Thirdly, it's white, burnt took me several readings to get that burnt belonged to Sienna in the line below. I'd suggest either putting 'burnt' on that line, or changing 'it's white' to something like white body, just to avoid confusion.

Dropped out sunny clear sky, exploding - I think you need 'of the' after out in this line.

– the bowl is unpriceable. - I know what you mean by unpriceable but I wonder if this might read slightly better as invaluable. It would go better with the 'valueless' at the start of this stanza. Unpriceable and invaluable can be taken to mean different things, though, so it's only a suggestion.



You might have noticed the lovely House Frey banner below. Just in case you think I'm odd, let me tell you why. I've signed up to the massive "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. contest and I belong to House Frey, with a bunch of others from P.E.N.C.I.L. (They/we review novels on WDC so if you're ever in the market for that do give us a call). All reviewing that the teams do over the month of May counts towards House points if we include the Banner. *Smile* You can also 'cheer' for us if you like our reviews; just go to the GoT link and follow the 'rules'.

I want to thank you for putting this poem up on WDC for us to read. It's very thought provoking. Do contact me if you need clarification on anything I've written.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of A Helping Hand  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Charlie ~ Author Icon!

I was looking through the requests on "Please Review" Open in new Window. and found your short crime story "A Helping Hand" Open in new Window.. I rather liked it so I thought I'd go ahead and complete a review for you from my reader-point-of-view. What I've written is just my single opinion out of so many on this site, so feel free to accept, modify or totally ignore anything I say and/or suggest!


*Tree*First Impressions
I thought this was, in general, a nice tight story. You've got a start which impressively puts us off the scent of what the story is really about. This means we're like 'oooooh' when we hit the scene of Mike wringing his hands and staring at the wall, and probably we know what he's done before Rob cottons onto it. There's the whole 'I'm your brother' guilt trip and we then come to the action which is hinted at in your log-line. The ending is magnificent and righteous, just as you say.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Imagery
I'm quite a visual reader, meaning that I like show over tell because I can picture events, scenery, characters in their 3D glory. Each reader's different, of course, so what I say here is just my opinion.

We probably don't need a good set of imagery for Mike's apartment because there's not a lot of action here. The bathroom's a different matter. It's where Mike and Rob's world has gone haywire but the description is very clinical, almost non-real. Do the girls stay with their father on occasion? If so, would they have some bath toys or other effects in the bathroom? It would make the whole unveiling of Mike's deed all the more terrible if kids' toys were scattered about. Just as making the shower curtain some pattern rather than clear. It gives us a little bit more to visualise, makes the scene more gruesome (though, of course, you're not writing a horror story here so you would be writing a fine line).

When we're in the woods, it is night so we're not likely to see a great deal. In fact the only thing we really know is that the earth is frozen solid because it's November. You could show the temperature a bit more - are they stamping their feet? Are they flexing fingers to keep them from stiffening? Are they billowing steam when they talk? These would be just a few extra things to remind us what Mike and Rob's environment is like, so we'd get that 3D visualisation of the scene.

Since A Helping Hand is narrated in the first person, we don't get a strong image of Rob - besides the fact he's 25 and over six foot tall. He has been married (six years?), and I got the feeling he really wanted a child. We know more of Mike - and your description of his successful/unsuccessful life is really wonderful. I don't know, however, that you've explained why he hasn't been the same since the divorce. We later hear he continuously fights with his ex-wife but we don't really know why, nor do we get any sense of what Rose was like. If we did, both might help explain why Mike tipped over the edge in the final argument. And they might (or might not) make the reader more inclined to give him a bit of the benefit of doubt as to his actions.

Plot and Plot Fuel
Overall your plot and the fuel that drives it is clear and succinct, and it moves through very nicely to the end.

However, when I read the story through a second time the first paragraph, about Rob's own troubles, started to feel a little out of place because it never goes anywhere afterwards. I said above that it's a great 'screen' for the real action. It is also the 'reason' for Rob ending up at his brother's but I think you might need to reorganise it a bit so it doesn't stand out quite so much. You could amalgamate part of it with the second paragraph - starting out with something like My brother and I were a mess in our relationships..... etc etc etc.

The Great Moral Dilemma
You've got two great moral dilemmas in this story, which lend themselves to being 'themes'. The first is - would you help someone in this situation? And the second is - what would you do to help your family (on the premise that blood is thicker than water)? I know you're writing a short story here but it would have been interesting to delve further into these questions. Rob justifies his help, I think, by the fact that if he doesn't Mike will kill him too. Is he then helping his brother because he's blood, or is he helping because his own life is at fault? And if it's the latter, does that justify his helping cover up a murder? Your story might be about how a helping hand goes too far but it's also poetic justice that Rob is found 'red-handed' by the officer. There are consequences, no matter what. Actually, as I write this it seems to be that this is simply a conundrum that would make you somewhat nuts as you tried to sort it out!

A good twist for the reader above and beyond the story itself.


*Wind*Strengths
One of the main strengths of this story it its compact arc. Your telling is succinct; you don't give any fluff.I know I suggested some embellishment to your 'telling' but I don't think that would have any detrimental affect on the story as it stands.

Your dialogue is also strong, believable in the situations and fitting in with what we know of Mike and Rob. Rob's drunk and pumped up on his near miss; his speech is a rambling monologue, with a sense of pride thrown in. Mike's clipped sentences show his shock, as do the occasional bits of repetition (such as “We have to torch it. That’s it. We have to torch her in her car.”). I love the use of 'man' in a lot of Rob's speech; very colloquial and it is far better than using something like God or Lord in this context.

I think the climax of this short story is in fact one of the best I've read lately. Oddly, it is almost comical though I'm pretty sure you didn't intend that. The two brothers are arguing about how to dispose of a body in the dead of night and then the officer appears on the scene without warning to end everything they were trying to do. And it creates a perfect circle with the story's log-line about a helping hand going too far.


*Quill*Suggestions
There was one major thing I couldn't quite comprehend - the tense/time-frame. Right up to the point where Mike is saying that Rose has been a thorn in his side I thought this was a present-tense story - telling as we go. But then there comes two paragraphs where Rob is apparently looking back on the event (an 'if I knew then what I know now' moment) and they broke my flow. If this is a story being told by Rob while he's sitting in jail (or elsewhere) you should make that clear from the outside. If it's not, then you should probably take out that first 'past' paragraph as well as the first sentence of the second one.

I do have a couple of specific suggestions for some of your sentences. These are just my thoughts, remember, but they affected my reading flow so I mention them here.

I moved in with my older brother, Mike, who had been divorced years before and hadn’t been the same since. - the suggestion here would be to simply swap the order of the final half of the sentence: I moved in with my older brother, Mike, who hadn’t been the same since his had been divorced years before and .

I guess it wouldn’t be fair for me to say that for a few more years though. - I would be inclined to delete this sentence. It doesn't actually add anything to the story.

She looked so frail there, so weak and helpless. - Your previous sentence is past tense talking about a past event. This sentence would fit just a little better if it were She'd looked so frail, so weak and helpless. Ie, keeping it a past tense event too.


*Tree*Closing Comments
Overall, I really liked this story. A terrible event, of course, we can't pretend not to notice that but the story is strong, the characters believable, and the end really, really good. And as I mentioned above, the reader starts thinking what they might do in this situation, so you've got the reader fully involved too.


Thanks for putting this story up on the review request page and letting us read and review. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I've written. And most importantly, keep writing. You're good at it!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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138
138
Review of Leaving home  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi geniusgal Author Icon

I found "Leaving home" Open in new Window. on "Please Review" Open in new Window. and was intrigued by your request. Harsh reviews are indeed the most helpful, so I apologise in advance for falling short there. I don't think your poem warrants a harsh review at all.

Does it help that I'm jealous of you for two things? 1. you've been here at WDC for ages and 2. you had the guts to be here when you were so young (Not that you're old now! BTW think you need to update your bio unless you're going with the forever-sixteen theme *Smile*)


*Tree*Starting Thoughts
As someone who used to get horrendously homesick just staying next door I can fully understand the wrench you feel/felt when you left home. Your whole life is there and you have to let it go in order to continue on with your life. Your poem comes across almost like the 'life flashing before your eyes' sort of moment. I thought it was made extra poignant by the fact you were holding (I presume) your mum's hand and have to let that go as much as the memories. I imagine she had much the same thoughts in her head!


*Star*Strengths
The main strength of this poem is that it reads just like rushing thoughts, a list of feelings, thoughts and tangible memories. And then it comes to a halt in the final stanza where you take a breath and move on.

There's a couple of lines I especially loved:

Stepping into the ruthless world, | away from my comfort zone; - a very simple statement of where you're going and where you've been. It also gives insight into that little bit of fear/insecurity such a change brings. I was lucky to live at home while I was at university but I still had these feelings when I moved away later.

the pinching, the annoying, the playing tag, - Funny how the most annoying things of your childhood (usually involving siblings) become treasured memories. It probably happens to most of us, and I like that it did for you (and even the chores too!)


*Apple*Suggestions
I'm only going to make a couple of suggestions regarding some odd wording and punctuation because mostly I don't feel the body needs to change much. Apologies if it looks quite like nitpicking!

There are a couple of places where you have a double space between words. Not a grammatical error of course but it is distracting. Oh well, it is to me.

Turning back,
I took a last glance
of the place the where I grew up,
made memories, moulded myself
where I loved and was loved..

Your first stanza has one of those double spaces (between Turning and back) but I also want to comment on a couple of other things here. The third line of the place the where I grew up, has an extra 'the' between place and where. However, you could emphasise your setting by putting a comma after 'place', where the place and the where are two ways of saying the same thing: of the place, the where I grew up. No matter what you do here, I think the 'of' needs to be 'at'. You're glancing at something, not of something.

where I loved and was loved.. and a wave of nostalgia washes over me.. I don't think you need the elipses here (the ..); these would be better as simple hard endings to the stanzas (first and fourth). On the other side, it does work for the final stanza, though I'd add a third . before and after and hers, as an elipsis is usually three dots. Two just looks like you added an extra full stop in error.

And for the sake of consistency, watch what you have capitalised in each stanza. The format looks like it's simply the first word in each stanza (beyond the first which includes I) so Stepping (second stanza) and The pillow (fourth) kind of jump out.


*Tree*Ending Thoughts
I'm not a poet but I can at least tell you how this poem made me feel. It brought back a lot of memories (not always a leaving-home sort but also a total-change sort) which I've never put to paper and frankly don't think I could, not in the wonderfully encompassing and heart-felt way you have. This is a really nice poem and it feels odd to apologise for not being harsh, but there it is.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review Leaving. I'd like to see a couple of poems down the track once you're settled into college and even made your first visit home. Would be interesting to see if the memories in this poem are the same in a later visit.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need any clarification regarding my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

PDG Jr Leader Review Sig, created by the wonderful Hannah
139
139
Review of PK Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi SylphLuna Author Icon!

I was looking over the "Please Review" Open in new Window. page and spotted "PK Chapter 1" Open in new Window.. I thought your quest for a review on your first item was really brave and I hope what I have written here encourages you to keep writing and to keep requesting reviews.

Like blurbs on the back of a book, the brief description we give to our items should work as a hook. Yours did two-fold for me because I love vampire stories and my educational background is Classical Studies. I'm mostly an art and history gal these days, but I enjoy my mythology too. Vampires + ancient Greece? Yee ha.


*Tree*First Impressions
Well, vampires + ancient Greece hook me so I'm a fan straight off. And it doesn't matter in this early chapter if the vampire part of your story hasn't actually happened. Some might tell you to remove that part of the description while it's extraneous. I won't. For me, knowing the story of Pandora and her jar, the promise of vampires has me intrigued as to how you'll weave them into this well-known myth. Is it Pandora who becomes the vampire? How does it happen? Who 'creates' her? In the myth, hope is in Pandora's jar but what if it's something seriously worse? This opening chapter creates a lot of mystery that should keep readers hungering for further.

And your final paragraphs pack a punch - literally, an explosion! It's generally known that Pandora opens the jar (or box) because she can no longer contain her curiosity (you spelled this out with Who gives someone a box and then tells them not to open it? That kind of order just begs to be disobeyed). But you've given us another view - Pandora uses the threat of opening as a warding-off tool to Epimetheus who is sexually harassing her. In the myth Pandora doesn't really have a mind of her own but you are making it clear that in this version of the myth, Pandora has her own will and strength; she isn't a tool of the gods. And, of course, the explosion is a gripping climax. Has everyone been killed? Was it something in the box that exploded? Was there a trip-wire on the box, causing the explosion because it was opened? A closing hook is every bit as valuable as an opening one.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Setting
I've read a lot of books that place myths and heroes in a modern context (Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson series is a prime example). However, I can't actually tell from the small descriptive details whether you have chosen to do the same or are actually in ancient Greece, despite mentioning ancient Greece in your description. I say this because at the time of Pandora and the titan brothers, man-kind didn't have things easy. Remember that Prometheus had only just given man fire. Writing wasn't really a known, yet you've got Pandora entering into a journal. We can do anything with fantasy of course but you're combining myth with presumably a non-fantasy Greece so you just need to think about when in time this story starts, and how people in that time (even titans, gods and heroes) live. As always, don't have a character flicking a light switch if electricity hasn't quite been invented yet *Smile*.

A setting shouldn't take over your story but you might consider giving a few lines for context (or you could get more sticklers like me questioning just how things fit together).

Plot and Plot Fuel
In choosing a myth as the backbone of your story you've got a ready-made plot. Epimetheus marries Pandora against the advice of his brother. Pandora has a jar (or box) and lets loose evils on man-kind. All this comes to pass because Prometheus helped out man-kind and the gods were miffed about it.

Using an established myth can create all sorts of issues, though; especially for those who hate to see them diverted from their original lines. But myths are made for diverting; in fact myths always have several versions anyway, so I hope you never worry that you're bolting away from the original story. You're creating an original story.

I think the biggest task you'll have is weaving the intended vampire blood into this existing plot and giving me (the reader) something that makes me go 'wow'. I've already mentioned how my interest is peaked simply by vampires and ancient Greece together, but I'll still need something special to keep me believing in this alternative world and wanting to be part of it. You are, no doubt, already thinking far ahead, but I see this story almost as starting in our present and then going back and forth between the present and the past of Pandora's life (presuming, of course, that she does become a vampire). Goodness, that's presumptuous of me to suggest how to continue your plot! Apologies, but I really can't wait to see how you carry this one onward.

Characters
Pandora and Epimetheus are existing characters in the mythical/story world. Not much is known about them other than Epimetheus stands for man's lack of thought and Pandora for (woman's) lack of self-control. And, of course, her releasing evil on man-kind. Ha, a side issue.

I like that Pandora comes across as having her own will. In this story she is human, in the myth she is just a tool. She has fighting spirit and also shows a certain helplessness - a nice combination because you don't want your protagonist to be perfectly one thing or the other. Pandora has strengths and she has flaws, and all through it you've kept her well-known curiosity. One thing though, I think you need to clarify the six-weeks-old bit. At first I wondered if you'd put in weeks when you meant something else. I'm pretty sure you simply mean that Pandora was created (as a fully grown woman) only six weeks ago, but to the initiated that's an unknown and they'll go whaaaaaaaat? A simple explanation will clear that up.

Epimetheus is a titan - he's large, he's powerful. The fact he has an office makes me imagine him as an executive in a pin-striped power suit. I think you might have some difficulty persuading readers to see him in any other light but, then again, I don't think he needs to be shown in any other manner. Actually, the mere fact he joins Pandora in bed before their marriage (seriously bad) and starts to take advantage (seriously appalling) is in his character - he's afterthought, of course. He doesn't think about consequences; tonight that's a box blowing up with him on it!

A question from me is, how are you going to evolve Pandora and Epimetheus so that they keep the characteristics they're known for but also become believable people outside those molds? I look forward to finding out.

Climax (even chapters need them)
I've already mentioned this under the First Impressions section but the chapter ends, literally, with a bang. It is totally unexpected, and it made me go 'oooh'. I like to be startled or thrown off line at the end. We need to be captured at the beginning and at the end and you've managed this, to my mind, perfectly. It makes me look forward to the next chapter.


*Wind*Things I Liked
I've said this many times already but your premise is intriguing and the climax of this chapter wonderful. Vampires will be just an added bonus for me when they show up.

Who gives someone a box and then tells them not to open it? - I love this question. I imagine Pandora with an expression of 'Hermes is an idiot' on her face. And, of course, it illustrates her curiosity. I also like that the box, itself, is egging her on (... screamed to be opened...).

Rena - I like her presence here. She's in Epimetheus' pay but she also seems to be Pandora's friend so she acts as a tie between them. She also provides a nice bit of comic relief in her swooning over Epimetheus, especially calling Pandora a hero!


*Quill*Some Things I Found Odd
Now these are just my opinion and you can totally throw them in the trash if you feel like it! (I put these into subheadings just so this didn't look like one long waffle.)

Epimetheus in Bed
I re-read the section about Epimetheus in the bed and now I'm not sure if it is pre-marriage after all. "Finally we can be joined, my love" sounds to me as if this is after the wedding. In which case, you have a giant invisible leap between pre- and post- with no connecting anything. When I read it as pre-marriage, I had no problem with it but if it's post then it's confusing and unsettling. We've jumped forward in time but don't know quite where we stand in the story. I would recommend this stay as a pre-marriage event. It would make Pandora's bolting far easier to understand.

Nicknames
In most cases I wouldn't dare to make mention of characters' names to their authors because they're such personal things. I slave over mine, using 'x' or 'y' until I've got just the name, but Pandy and P really niggled at me as nicknames for Pandora. Pandy because it made me think of a panda bear and P because that made me think of the drug P. Given that Pandora is seen as a bit of evil for man-kind, the latter would work, but for me they were a bit uncomfortable. I thought Dora might be 'nicer'. I know that offers links with Dora the Explorer but 'dora' is Greek for 'gift' - which Pandora is.

Epi reminded me of the Epi-pen but besides shortening him to 'Meth' (!) I think it works. He comes across as one of those power-hungry, self-important guys who has given himself a 'nonsense' nick-name - okay, a bit like a DJ's moniker. It works.

Tense and Point of View
I'll be the first to admit that I cross my tenses over, and that's why I know it's distracting to the reader. You swap between present tense (Tonight, however, the only the box can console my troubled thoughts. I must find out what is in the box!) and past tense (Epimetheus curled up in bed behind me and wrapped his divine arms around my delicate body.) quite a bit. I have no problem with either tense but combining them hinders the reader and stops their flow, which isn't what we authors desire.

In addition to the tense, you have moments of swapping points of view. In the sentence His hand moved up to stroke my breast and I (should I go with ‘woke with a start’ here?) squealed in panic. you've actually asked the reader if you should add 'woke with a start'.

No, you shouldn't - because if you do, you're confusing the point of view. Pandora is a first-person storyteller. If she were asleep she would know nothing about Epimetheus being in the bed or what his hands were doing until she woke. I have found that the PoV can slip if I don't control the tense properly so I think once you've got that sorted in this story it won't be an issue any more.


*Tree*Closing Comments
I'm a bit like a stuck record here, SlyphLuna! I like this chapter and I'm intrigued to see where the story goes. Some things could be tidied up and/or clarified (I'm yet to read a piece on here that doesn't have something!) to help the reader out but, overall, this is a really nice first start.

I tend to review based on how a story makes me feel/react as a reader. I do like correct grammar but the plot, the characters, the start, the end - these mean more than whether a story has the right amount of commas and in the right places (those things can be easily fixed at a later stage). Your story has pulled me in and I want to read more; that's how it made me feel.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written and, at the risk of sounding like a beggar, please let me know when chapter two is up.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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140
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Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi elizjohn Author Icon!

I found your review request for "Mr. Nelson & The Horrible Writing Prompt" Open in new Window., and your comments about the writing prompt intrigued me! I've found some of them bizarre too but I would never have thought to actually involve the prompt like you have, it makes a nice twist.


*Tree*First Impressions
I liked this a whole lot and that's probably because I would have written along similar lines - the locket as a trap for someone or something. The fact that a locket is usually used to hold a picture of a loved-one (past or present) adds power, and it makes a great prop for a horror story. Love, horror - these seem to go together rather well!

This story is well crafted, starting with a simple school lesson to introduce the 'prompt' and slowly sliding towards the horror. The reader is kept quite in the dark about what's going on, and I like that we don't immediately know what's going on despite the fact that something trapped in a locket is certainly not a new plot device. Nor is the repetitive nature of the ending, but the fact that you've brought Thomas in as a 'fixer' shifts the plot to a new level. For me Thomas' awareness of the situation makes this story more suspenseful. His frustration and desperation are very clear; he's obviously been fighting to make Mr Nelson see (and accept) the truth for some time.


*Wind*Strengths and Suggestions
One of the main strengths of this short story is, straight out, the way you tell it. It's simple and clean. I can picture the students groaning when they see the prompt, Mr Nelson doing his best to 'sell' the idea and get the best from them, Thomas' utter frustration and Mr Nelson struggling to cope with what he's hearing (from Thomas and in his head). Letting the reader 'see' as s/he reads is the mark of great writing.

Your dialogue is snappy, easy to read and not overblown; I felt it was the engine that was moving your plot along. There was only one tiny piece that brought me up short - when Thomas calls Regina a crazy bitch. Swearing generally doesn't bother me but 'bitch' suddenly popped up and was like a slap in the face. I didn't feel there'd been any lead up for Thomas to suddenly spout bitch or for Regina to be called that. He'd been ranting and begging for some time to Mr Nelson before the word pops up, but we never got the feeling Thomas actually thought this. I myself think the word could go, but if not then Thomas' earlier words need to start conveying some of that feeling so it doesn't come up sounding like BITCH in massive letters and make the reader go 'where the heck did that come from?'

Who is Regina?
Despite Regina being a fairly central character, she's just a wisp rather than full-blooded. I was left with many questions around her. The biggest one is - where is she in relation to this classroom setting? The kids are trapped because they were in the English class at the time the trap was sprung, but where was Regina? She must have been a student of the class too, right? If so, where is she? It would be seriously more dramatic if she played a role in the opening complaints about the prompt or even if she was there at the end physically with Thomas and Mr Nelson. There is also no explanation about how Regina came to have a magic locket or was able to create such magic. Or why she was so desperate for Mr Nelson that she trapped him (and the class).

I think you could quite easily lengthen this story to include Regina in a more full manner without any detrimental effect.


*Quill*The Technical Side
Nothing really knocked me for a six regarding spelling or grammatical oddities. However, when I first read the following line it came out as the window having the exasperation, rather than the boy:

“Why do you hate us so?” asked a boy seated near the window with exasperation.

I'd been thinking some well placed commas might do, but I think I'd re-write the sentence just a bit instead. Perhaps something like 'asked an exasperated boy seated near the window.'


*Tree*Closing Comments
Putting aside my questions about Regina your overall plot, characters, and dialogue were nicely woven to create a sharply moving ouroboros-sequence. You might not have liked the original prompt, but you did a great job with it! It is in fact a very nice story for Halloween month.


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your work! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written, and if you ever make any changes I'd be happy to review again.

Many kind regards,
Osirantinous

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141
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Review of nightmares  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Robert Wallis Author Icon!

As first short stories go, this is pretty good, and I'd like to offer a review of "nightmares" Open in new Window.. As per normal, these are my personal views and you're welcome to use them however you like.


*Tree*First Impressions
As every writer knows, you have to catch the reader's attention very early on. If they're not hooked in the first paragraph you're pretty much doomed. My very first impression of Nightmares was 'what an intriguing opening few lines'. And you continued to catch me with the direct acknowledgement of the reader. I felt a bit voyeuristic on one hand and on the other that I was being treated to some great inside secret (a scary one, it turns out). The mention of Jon Doe did confuse me just a moment because that is such a well known pseudonym. For a second I had to wrack my brain to see if I could recall any real murderers going by that name! That in turn made me feel a bit uneasy, which is a perfect fit with your genre.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Setting
You do a wonderful job of painting the reader a picture of the physical setting. And anyone who has moved house will sympathise with the boxes everywhere as well as recalling their very first flat which was probably just as much a shoe box as Jon and his mum's.

Temporally, though, I am confused. Bless Wikipedia for telling me that year three is generally 8 years old and year six 11 years old in most school systems, but that didn't clarify the past and then the more distant past. Early on Jon tells us he's eleven but when he goes to lie down and starts to dream he goes back to the past - year six - when he's eleven which he's stated he is (unless he's in the New Zealand school system where year six is for 10-year-olds). So how much 'past' is it actually? Then he sprints even further back to year three when things went terribly wrong. Just when I think I've got it (the past is over a four-year period), at the end Jon tells us he was in a mental home until he was eight, and I'm not entirely sure if I've got all my dates and ages correct because he says he didn't get off Scot free. I'd presumed this was over Daniel's murder (when Jon was eight). But if he was in a home until then.... So, as I said, temporally I'm a bit confused about when passed events really happened; I think a little clarification would help (or perhaps even removing that sentence about year 6? It sort of sits there on its own and I don't think it would harm your plot if it was taken out.).

Plot
A very scary plot given that it involves an eleven-year-old child. At first Jon seems very normal, coping with moving house and a split family. We have been warned of course that all is not as it seems but it is actually still quite a shock to read of his murder of Daniel - again, you've got the suspense part of the genre down pat. On an even scarier note, this plot could just as easily be about a boy who'd been taunted one too many times and simply reacted as seems to happen too often these days.

You also made it clear that you were giving some background to the life of the killer and it is mind-blowing that 'life' started at such a young age. That heightens the suspense for future stories about Jon that I presume you'll be writing.

There was one aspect of the plot that was unclear, that had been added in like a dangling carrot: Daniel plaguing Jon, protecting him for that one reason; to have Jon for himself. Why? This really adds to the suspense but unless you are going to write more about Jon and bring Daniel's ghostly needs into play I think you'd almost be better off removing that paragraph. Readers will hunger for an answer and woe if it's not given. Try not to dangle carrots that won't lead to anything.

Character
You describe enough of Jon for me to be able to envisage him, as well as why he is taunted and why he reacts. He also comes across as a very intelligent child. However, I'm a bit on the cusp of thinking some of his language was a bit too "old" for an eleven-year-old. That's a matter solely of personal opinion, of course, but I can't imagine a child talking in quite this way: "Just a bit tired, that's all. What else did you say, sorry?"

Right at the beginning you state that Jon is pure evil, yet through his memories he actually comes across sympathetic. He's clearly dealt with years of very bad teasing and taunts and that day in year three he has just cracked. I'm not sure if you meant to make him sympathetic - if you did, all well and good, if you didn't then I think you need to add a few more memories detailing unpleasant moments. Right now, I feel sorry for him and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Again, just my personal opinion, and having him come across this way does of course add to the suspense!

Climax
The end clearly indicates that Jon has demons. He suffers nightmares and he jumps at shadows. And here we also learn he's been in a mental home. All this and he comes from a broken home. It is fascinating to learn that he named himself Jon Doe and a bit of a cold shock to the reader to learn his real name. It's nicely done.

But your very final paragraph left me confused again. More of the temporal stuff really. We learn that Jon's real mother left him but was it before he went into the mental hospital or when he came out of it? If the day she told him he was vile was the last time his life was ruined, I expect it to be after he murdered Daniel since he said that Daniel's taunt and the murder destroyed his life. Destroyed must equal ruined on some level. Also note that bringing Jon's real mother in at the end does cause some confusion to the beginning where he said that he and his mum had been kicked out three years ago. Which mum are you talking about in that first sentence? It sounds like it's Dawn, and if it is her then what does she know about Jon's birth? I think the very last sentences are another couple that could be removed without damaging your story at all. In fact ending on "When it was deemed acceptable for my release, Dawn adopted me, well she adopted the Jon Doe, not the murderous Ben Hill." is pretty powerful!


*Wind*Strengths and Suggestions
This is quite an easy read; for the most part you are clear and concise, your wording easily allowing us to create the images in our minds as we read. The plot is strong and certainly suspenseful.

Clarifying years and mums, as mentioned above, would tighten the whole story even further.

One other thing I would suggest - don't give Gemma "dirty blonde hair". If Jon thinks he's going to win her as a girlfriend that description will end it before it starts! He describes her eyes as tropical blue, he must be able to come up with a better description of her hair.


*Quill*The Technical Side
By technical I generally mean spelling, grammar and the like. There's only minor 'crimes' here that you probably already know about so I won't mention them, apart from the "dirty blonde hair" sentence. It doesn't stand on its own as a complete sentence. I get the feeling you were explaining what reaction the hair caused Jon? If not quite that then you do need to re-order the sentence; perhaps something like 'her long [golden] hair always fell neatly down her back.'


*Tree*Closing Comments
I liked this short story. You hooked me from the start, hooked me in the middle with the murderous year three and then hooked me at the end with the whole 'mental home' comment. Aside from my confusion about years and mums (which might just be me), I think your first effort a strong one. I would certainly read more of Jon's story should you write it.


In any case, thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your work! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written. And I'm always here if you'd like me to do another review at some stage.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams Author Icon!

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang (feel free to visit "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. for more information), undertaking their review course for newbies. One of our lessons is to review work by a ‘yellow case’ or higher, somewhat daunting for a newbie reviewer! I chose "The House on Black Brook Road" Open in new Window. because horror/scary is not something I generally write, let alone read so I believe reviewing out of my comfort zone will help my skills. But I also hope that, in relation to the topics in the Horror/Scary newsletter you were mentioned in, my comments might help you garner some tricks to capture the interest of non-horror/scary readers like me.


*Tree*First Impressions
Your opening sentence is a great hook. It’s a simple statement but it carries power; it is the event that creates your story and it’s all the more powerful because it’s first person. I expect to be really carried deep into Abigail's mind. The second hook is the house – for the character, obviously, and the reader. Love at first sight doesn’t have to be between two people! (I can relate, my house was the first I looked at too!) In fact the opening section reminded me of Susanna Kearsley’s Mariana; the lead character is hooked by a house as a young child and buys it as an adult. It is a ghost/spiritual story too, though a romance rather than horror.

So I prepared myself to be unnerved by the house or by something in it. The fact it was run-down, hadn’t been lived in for years and was a stunningly quick sale helped build the tension.


*Screw*The Nuts and Bolts

Setting
The story starts in 1994 and appears to follow a time-frame of a couple of months, before it jumps well forward in time going by the line “I remember I had to scare my son and his family away from here but this was a very long time ago.” It made me a little bit confused. Are we dealing in years? In fact are we dealing in centuries? Is the story-teller now dead and a ghost too? The present tense “I still don’t understand…” at the start of the ending doesn’t make it clear. Even as a ghost Abigail could still be this way. I wanted a little more ‘closure’ on the ending.

You started with the great opening hook of time and place, I think ending with something of the same would have added a bit more clout. It is clear Abigail has suffered and still suffers but how long? Perhaps the opposite of giving a precise time-frame (for linear folk like me) you could have added into that final paragraph something about Abigail not knowing how long things had been going on for, how long she’d been hiding in her room. To my mind that would add a bit more scary into it.

Plot
I’ve already said I’m not so hot on horror/scary. I can do ghost but not really in the evil, psycho kind of way. I am the kind of person who has to watch/read this genre in the daylight and then easily scare myself at night. Being a house owner, the idea of a house being possessed is very unpleasant and uncomfortable. It’s just like Abigail says: it’s her house, how dare someone else try to claim it, how dare she feel unsafe in it. A house is your asset, your bolt-hole, your place of rest. So, I think you’ve got a great plot here and I like the fact that Abigail is all rose-tinted glasses about the house and even soldiers on when things start to be a little bit odd.

Conflict (aka Plot Fuel)
There were some places, though, where I didn’t feel as scared as I was perhaps supposed too. Doors opening on their own, footsteps and other odd sounds are classic scary stuff, almost a cliché, so they weren’t anything I didn’t expect. And when you had Abigail witness these things you described them in a fairly minimal manner, missing the opportunity to really freak me out (the active-imagination side of me is grateful).

The breathing and running in the walls was a different matter. Hearing creaking floorboards behind you would be nothing to hearing something scuttling about within the walls, perhaps following you as you moved through the house, shadows appearing occasionally. That really made me feel like I wanted to run a mile so I would like to have seen that come into play more – was it just a possum or rat, could it have been a bird stuck somehow, how could there be a shadow when there’s no light… Yes, I think you could have played this out more and heightened the tension. Is it the house or is there really someone else in the house?

Character
I like the fact that Abigail kept her rose-tinted glasses on through various odd happenings, even after she’d encountered breathing and movement in the walls, cold air, and the presence of something evil. She is determined to win whatever battle is taking place. But other than this, and the fact she is clearly handy at renovation, I didn’t really get a sense of what type of person she is (besides impulsive in buying house at first sight). You mention she had a bad divorce; a little bit of background on that might have given more clues to what type of woman she is. By the end she sounds rather a bit like she’s stepped to the ‘crazy’ side (understandable) and it would have been nice to get a more in-depth look at that happening. Again, I think a little step-by-step would have heightened the scary feeling – especially if part of her knew something was giving way.

I thought it was interesting that I only got a 'visual' of the ghostly shadow right at the end, in two last paragraphs. It was a bit startling to read about the burning eyes and animal smile right at the end, as if I was only just being 'introduced' to the character. Giving away little hints throughout the story would have kept the reader engaged and would have increased the opportunity for creating shivers down their back. For example, when Abigail goes into the room on the third floor a hand touches her face but there is no description of the hand. Even if Abigail didn’t see it, surely she could tell if it was bony or clawed. Later Eve tells her about a stench; it could have been in this earlier instance too since a hand on a face would have been close to the nose – smell of death, smell of must. Aromas can be just as scary out of the blue as noises or shadows.

Theme
I'm not sure if you intended to have a motif here. I certainly don't start out with one in mind when I write. However, in reading the story again and my own comments above I'd say determination/courage might be such a motif. Abigail sticks to her guns, no matter what the ghost or the house throw at her. It shows strength of character. Her life might be going to hell in a hand-basket but she won't give in, will fight for what is hers even if the consequence is being reduced to acting much like the old woman.

Climax
I mentioned under Setting that the ending seemed to be positioned long after the previous events. I felt a bit disconnected by that; the previous paragraph was Abigail meeting the ghost face to face but nothing seemed to come of it and then suddenly we were at the end. How long is the time gap between both events? Abigail still has the strong sense of ‘my house’ but then you also say that she was never herself after the last meeting with the woman (presumably the paragraph before). She hides (I love that sentence) and the following final sentences made me wonder if 1 she is now a ghost and/or 2 she is totally crazy.

The final quarter of the ending, while you don't end with the 'precise timing' I mentioned above, is still strong. A challenge directly to the reader and I like that kind of writing; it draws the reader in and makes us part of the story. Not sure I liked imagining a bony finger beckoning me though!


*Quill*The Technical Side
There were a couple of things that caused some pauses in my reading that I'd like to mention. They are just my opinion so feel free to ignore them.

In your first paragraph you give two distinct descriptions of the house, split by "You could tell that nobody had live there for many years." I think this sentence would have fitted better either at the beginning of the description or after it. In the middle as it is I feel it makes one or other of the descriptions a bit extraneous.

In the paragraph starting "The next day was Saturday." I was confused about the floors. You start by saying the rays lit the stairs that led to the first floor and then you went up them to the second floor. I presumed the floors were one and the same but it was a bit jarring. I had to read the paragraph twice to make sure I hadn't just skipped something. The same sort of disconnect happened a few paragraphs down. You ended one with "It was then that I knew that there was something wrong with my home." yet at the end of the following paragraph had Abigail saying "I still thought it was all part of my imagination running wild." This may just have been Abigail in denial but again it disrupted my flow and I had to go back and check what I'd previously read.

Finally, the paragraph with Eve was proof that Abigail wasn't just imagining things but because it wasn't written in the past perfect tense it turned the point of view to an omnipresent narrator, upsetting my flow. It is Eve telling Abigail what she'd witnessed but in using just the past tense it reads as if Abigail was both a fly on the wall to events and was in Eve's head to know what she was thinking and feeling. It's a pretty easy thing to mix up PoV, and sometimes hard to pick up!


*Tree*Closing Comments
As I mentioned at the beginning, your opening paragraph was a great hook, and I related quite closely with Abigail about being drawn to a house without much preamble. And the first night I spent alone in my house I had an odd experience too. As I lay in bed I heard a door unlatch and footsteps tapping down the hall. None of my doors were closed and I don't have wooden floors. I opened my eyes and saw a tall dark shape by the bed. I told it to go away, that I was alright and then slept like a log. I prefer to think it was my deceased grandmother just checking on me. That was six years ago now and I've never had it since but Abigail is definitely a character I can relate to and wanted to read about.

I am confused about the ending, the time-frame of it and just what sort of state Abigail is in. But that is also a good thing, since it makes me question why she is like this or that, makes me read over again to see if I can spot anything secreted in the story that will illuminate her situation. It also starts me imagining how I might handle such situations. It's a bit of an odd feeling, really; I'm not sure the story itself really scared me but you've given my imagination some good prompts so I can scare myself later on!


Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read and review your work! Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any queries about anything I have written. I'd also love some feedback on the kinds of things Preferred Authors would like to see in reviews so I can tailor my review 'themes' appropriately.

Many kind wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Annie  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi carlton607 Author Icon!

I've just read "Annie" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer you a review.

*Tree* The Big Picture:
To be honest, this short story puzzled me; I felt like I was reading two stories superimposed on one another and happening concurrently. That would be an intriguing way of writing and would certainly grab the reader's attention, but I mostly came across feeling a bit schizophrenic and rather unsure of just where Annie stood (or rather, lay).

On the other hand, that little bit of 'can't quite figure it out' can be compelling. Annie is obviously frightened but why? She screams it and while we're reading so do we! Why is she afraid? Why is she worried? Why is someone hiding in the bushes? And what the heck happened in the past? Unfortunately, the reader doesn't find out and I felt a little let down. Annie has woken up happy and somehow resurrected but WHY... There seems to be no real reason and the fact that Annie dies a little bit later is straight out puzzling. I kept thinking that perhaps part of the resurrection entailed her growing from old to young and 'dying' actually meant that she'd gone back into the womb (or maybe that was me envisaging Annie as a baby which just might resemble a plump chicken!).


*Star* Strengths:
One of the main strengths of this piece is that it's very easy to understand Annie's emotions - even if we don't know why she's feeling them. And even though you've managed to turn physical events into emotional events (such as the lightning), which ring alarm bells everywhere, they still convey emotion. Frankly, the image of lightning biting into a soul (spelling!) is strong. One just has to see the figurative side, rather than literal.

I loved 'She was petrified like a peace of old wood.' even though you had the wrong 'peace'. You might have meant petrified as in scared here but petrified as in frozen also works well, and you do mention in the next sentence that Annie's face froze.


*Apple* Suggestions:
I said earlier that I felt rather schizophrenic reading this story; it's mostly because there are multiple points of view - Annie's, Buster's, and a mystery narrator. Third person narrative can certainly have multiple narrators but they need to stick to what they know. A prime example of this is 'Buster rolled over and went to sleep out in the hallway. Annie wondered why Buster did that even though she couldn't see him.' You've actually admitted the error here - Annie can't see what Buster is doing so how does she know he's gone to sleep in the hallway? Another example is that the sun is shining through the window and Annie 'knows' it but she actually still has her head under the blankets. How can she know the sun is shining? Keeping your eye on who is narrating will help refine your story line, and prevent characters from appearing to have an omnipresent eye.

Something I, personally, would like to see is some explanation of what Annie is worried about, what happened in the past. I like to be kept guessing but the way she keeps freaking out about what happened without giving anything away is rather annoying. Tied to this would be why someone is hiding in the bushes. Is it to do with the past? Is she just paranoid? This story has so many 'whys' they tend to take over and ruin the good qualities, so I would suggest either removing some of the 'emotion' sentences totally or complementing them with explanation of why Annie is so terrified.

You also need to watch that you avoid contradiction. In the same paragraph from which comes the old wood metaphor Annie is afraid, freezing (as in going still) and calm. Petrified, frozen and fearing does not sound calm to me! And then she goes into a peaceful slumber, something unexpected and highly unlikely in this situation; especially when you next state that Annie woke several times in worry. Topsy-turvy writing adds to the schizophrenic feel and only confuses the reader. You should try to be clear and consistent with emotions (and actions) so the reader doesn't spend all their time unsure what's going on. In addition be careful how you compose sentences. For example, I like that Buster was happy because his tail wagged but I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant to say. A simple way of weeding out oddities is to read out loud; it'll be quite clear where something doesn't sound quite right and you should be able to fix it up without much hassle (and it'll prevent reviewers nit-picking).


*Quill* The Technical Side:
Please watch your spelling and word choice. Spelling and grammar checkers won't pick up when you've got peace and piece wrong so you have to be extra diligent in doing this yourself. Spelling errors are distracting, using the wrong word totally even more so. Passed and past are another trick set of words that will rewrite your story without you meaning to.

Not so much technical but I felt that there were several sentences that could be removed altogether because they didn't actually fit with the plot. 'Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play.' is such an example. It doesn't fit with the story and certainly not within the paragraph it's included in.

Overall, though the plot isn't quite clear (and maybe that's how you want it) there is enough here that the reader can start to get involved with what's going with Annie, feeling the see-sawing emotions as she does. However, I think you could help them connect more closely with her if there weren't extraneous sentences (such as that about Buster liking to play) and if the narrator's point of view was refined to just one (that of Anne).

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your writing! And don't hesitate to get in touch if you want me to clarify any of my comments.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Nick!

I've just read "The Mysterious Death of Michelle Gram" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer my thoughts.

*Tree* The Big Picture:
Your opening sentence was a total attention-grabber and made me intrigued to read on to find out why the character would even think such a thing. And getting into the story, I started to feel just like Mr Weaver - I don't carry change any more either and every morning run a gauntlet of beggars, buskers and charity collectors. I (and pretty much everyone else around me) avoid eye contact because you do feel worse when you catch someone's eye and just walk passed. I think most people reading this would agree that guilt does arise and I like the fact that readers will start to think about how they act and feel (even if that wasn't something you intended).

Initially I wasn't sure where the 'ignored' of your description came into the story as I didn't see that Mr Weaver was actually ignoring his conscience, but on a second read it becomes clearer in his actions with the second beggar, with the tip for the barista, as well as the fact that it seems every day he does have cash (and where I live ATM machines do not give you $5 notes!). He is ignoring the guilt over Michelle. Mind you, I felt that Mr Weaver came across as just that sort of person, and that an attack of the guilty conscience was out of character for him!

In general this is a well-written, easy to read story about everyday actions and their 'consequences' (real or otherwise). And whether you intended to or not I think you've created quite a clever web; something to make people really think about what's happened/happening in this story.


*Star* Strengths:
As I mentioned, the first sentence is a real attention-grabber and draws the reader in. Your over-all writing style is clear and coherent. You don't go into a lot of description beyond Michelle, the heat haze and the window and I like that because to me it suits a story dealing with ignored feelings. The less effusive the better!


*Apple* Suggestions:
This is an entirely personal observation but I would like to have seen at least one of your other characters a male. The roles are all of the subservient sort - beggar, barista (think shop-girl), secretary - and to have them all filled by females just makes me think this story comes out of the 60s, 70s when that was the norm (especially in the conversation between Mr Weaver and Barbara). On the other hand, this actually seems to suit Mr Weaver's personality.


*Quill* The Technical Side:
By technical I mean typos and other odd things we writers do but your writing is clear of that and you've kept a good grip on your days of the week, not slipping up in your move through the week.

There are, however, a couple of places where I thought you could remove or swap around some words to tighten up the telling even further. For example, "according to the police report I read in the newspaper." You don't really need "I read" there because it's clear that's how the news was imparted. And when Mr Weaver is questioning Barbara about her knowledge you have "I asked. I’m not sure why." It's a bit staccato. You could move the "I asked" so the sentence is "I'm not sure why I asked."


Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and review your short story. And I look forward to reading more.

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Requiem  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi BDukes! I've just read "Requiem" Open in new Window., and I'd like to offer this review.

I really like the idea you've put into words here. In the beginning, I admit, I didn't get it; just thought it was two old men playing music (even with the title!). So I very much liked the fact it wasn't so much that but a more powerful telling about how a long life ends (or can end). I am no musician but I am intrigued by the idea that instead of having your life flash before your eyes, it is played out in a song. It's a much more emotive way of thinking about/dealing with life and death.


*Star* Some Strengths:
Besides the gift of opening up your readers to a fresh way of viewing one's life (and death) I consider the fact that the plot wasn't overtly clear (at least to me!) a further strength. It made me read more seriously, rather than skim, and kept me reading until the end. And because of that slight non-clarity I felt the ending paragraph far more powerful. It made me go 'oh' and I read Requiem again from that newly acquired view point.

Natural dialogue is sometimes hard to come by, but yours is natural as well as expressive. You can really hear the pout in Stuart's voice as he says 'I asked for a song, not a lecture.' You might not even have needed to say Stuart pouted because the dialogue itself gave that impression.

*Apple* Some Suggestions:
I did find the first two paragraphs slightly confusing.

In the first instance, a misunderstanding on my part because I took speaker to be an actual person speaking. The belching I got (and was amazed at it being in the first sentence) but then the plugging threw me and I had to reread the sentence again for sense. I thought that exchanging belched for another (more music-oriented?) adjective might help provide some clarity.

Secondly, it didn't seem to me immediately clear who the pronoun 'he' always referred to in those two sentences and whether or not Stuart and the old man were one and the same. I had to read over a couple of times to separate the musician from Stuart. It is just a suggestion for linking Stuart/old man but making the apology line part of the first paragraph and even merging it into something like 'He offered an abashed smile and an apology in a voice trembling with anxiety.' might offer some clarification.

*Quill* The Technical Side:
By technical I mean those things that'll get out the red pen, but there is not a lot here that needs redacting from my point of view. I've already mentioned the pronoun use which I brought up for clarification's sake more than anything else.

The one other thing I noted was actually in your powerful last paragraph. You use before three times in the two sentences. A word can keep cropping up, especially where it has several meanings and uses, but it can also start to take over and affect the reader. I would recommend at least changing the second instance to gap the first and third but even changing the final version to something like '... whispered and walked out the door.' would work.

In any case, I liked Requiem a lot and I'm pleased you've given us the opportunity to read and review your writing!

Best wishes,
Osirantinous

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Review of Alea iacta est  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I have totally nothing critical to say about your writing style; it's very easy to read and flows well and I don't think you need to change a thing. As a classicist, and a Roman one at that, I can't wait to see how this story unfolds without Octavian in the picture. Most Greek and Roman novels these days tend to follow the known path; I'm glad to see one veering off it!
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