Pico ヨハネス's (picodoll) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

601 Public Reviews Given

603 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I am a published author. That doesn't make me an expert reviewer but it does means I've learned a few things about good writing. You can expect me to critique storytelling, character development, plot, transitions and other building blocks of writing. I will point out grammar and punctuation issues when I notice them but if you are looking for someone to give that kind review, there are others who will do far better than I. I try to be honest and encouraging but if you're requesting a review, I'm sure you expect it to be thorough. Good reviews sometimes hurt. I can't spare you that and give you an honest review.

I'm good at...

Critiquing your storytelling skills, especially first chapter reviews. I'm also good at building believable characters and recognizing good dialogue. I can review whole novels but my time is limited and it has to be worth my while.

Favorite Genres

Action adventure, comedy, historical, sci-fi and well-conceived fantasy.

Least Favorite Genres

Horror, Erotica, LGBTQ, Poetry. Some of this I don't like at all while the rest I am wholly inadequate to give a review on.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, first chapters, and complete novels if they are not astronomically long.

Least Favorite Item Types

Extremely long novels, poetry, random chapters from the middle of a longer story.

I will not review...

Horror or Erotica. I will also not give reviews on random middle chapters. I don't believe they can be adequately reviewed out of context. Please don't ask me to review Vampire or Zombie stories. The sub-genre has been beaten to death and I don't want to read another one.

26

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4216833

Review of Untitled 4

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Gerta has some options here. I think she should hire a chef to help her poison the king or she should skip town or do both. I enjoyed the story. It was listed as horror but it didn't scare me at all. Chef loses his head over a trifle. That's pretty horrible. The ridiculousness of it is kind of funny, so I think I get it. I'm not sure that's what the "Screams" contest is looking for but I still liked it.

My Favorite Elements:

I'm quite hungry right now so the food description at the beginning really got my attention. I also liked the premise of the story.

Suggestions:

Untitled 4? You need a real title.

Acid test for every piece of fiction. Read the first sentence and ask yourself if you really want to read the second sentence. There is a limited opportunity to grab your reader. Straight description through the first two paragraphs usually won't cut it. I look for conflict and action or some hint thereof. I'm looking for something that makes me want to read on.

Horror usually features a story that get progressively more horrific. I'm not sure if that really applies here though because this is also focused on humour.

Overall:

I think you were having some fun with this and I don't want to take that away from you. Keep writing and having fun. Your writing is good. I had no problem following the story or understand what is going on. I found it entertaining and in a lot of ways that's what really counts. Especially with a piece like this one.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

27

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4215697

Review of Autism Misunderstood

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Personally I liked this from beginning to end. I have a sun who suffers from schizophrenia. He is highly intelligent. I'm glad we are becoming more aware of how to work with people who are different. I'm also glad your son has found his place in spite of the rest of us.

My Favorite Elements:

I like the way you handled the subject matter.

Suggestions:

I'm no authority on poetry. With my limited knowledge, I don't see anything that you need to fix.

Overall:

Great job. I wish you well in the contest. Win or lose this is a very good entry.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

28

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4172105

Review of A Twist in Time--Chapter 1

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Title: A Twist in Time

Chapter Reviewed: Chapter 1

User Name: nathanh

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

Just to preface my comments, the last time travel story I read was really really bad. Just the fact that I agreed to review this one after reading the first four chapters means you are doing a lot of things right. In general I find these stories rife with plot holes and bewildering scene changes. It takes a lot of skill to make a time travel story work. I do see the potential.

You establish your protagonist, set up your opening scene in the Hotel well and then zip off to the first stop of the journey. I think the basic plot here is just fine.

First paragraph is the only glaring problem. This is possibly your only chance to draw in publishers or readers. It has to count. First paragraph is stage set up for your first scene. That's needed but you have to grab your reader's interest first. There is no action, no problem needing attention, no conflict, no foreshadowing, no sense of impending trouble. Don't give your reader the option to stop reading after the first few sentences.

Don't feel bad my rough drafts never get this right the first time.

You finish strong though with the time hop. Anybody who read that far will want to know why and what happens next.

Characters:

Justin Hisakawa is clearly the protagonist and I think you've developed him well. His interactions show him to be a good guy with hopes, dreams and he has a heart.

I like the way you handled his sexual orientation. I think you've left the door open to readers outside the LGBT community at least at this point.

Shopping Cart Annie is interesting to me. If she is a walk off character, she's been developed too much in relation to the other two characters introduced. She serves to establish Justin as someone who cares. She also introduces the subject of time travel in a way that works with the story line.

Only issue I see with her is that she is introduced as wizened and feeble voiced but she sounds far stronger in the dialogue.

Mr. Mazaeus I think more needed to be made of Justin feeling uneasy about this guy. Maybe just the "mental shrug" in the passport bit takes away from that sense. In Justin's shoes I would be more wary of the potential trouble this guy obviously represents.

Special Agent Charlotte Corbett Her introduction is where the real conflict begins. I'm not sure if I have a very good feel of who she is. Does she need more description or does Shopping Cart Annie need less? I just know that she's very important to the story.

Kyle and a soldier are mentioned in passing. The second may be quite relevant to the story but I don't think that needs further development here.

Grammar:

My help is not usually very helpful. I didn't see any glaring issues.

style/voice:

Good use of dialogue. Your characters do have their own unique voices. Not everyone does that well.

Setting:

Well described throughout. I always find it useful to appeal to all the senses at least once in a scene this long. I don't recall the sense of smell being brought into this and I think it could add a lot to the realism.

I absolutely detest the word cloying. I don't know why I'm seeing it in so many pieces of writing lately.

Overall:

Except for the first paragraph, I think this chapter is everything it needs to be. I think the story is off to a good start and I look forward to reading more.

Line by line

I don't think I have anything useful in the way of a line by line for this chapter. I think I've already covered what I think is important and useful.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

29

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4151817

Review of A Very Bad Day Indeed

Review by Pico ヨハネス

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Barnyards are great places for comedy and this was a great story. I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

My Favorite Elements:

The action/description. It flowed well and was easy to visualize.

Suggestions:

None and that why I've giving back the 75 auto gift points for reviews. I can't offer anything here that I think will make you a better writer.

Overall:

Good luck with the contest. I entered myself and read some of the entries. I'm glad I don't have to pick a winner because there is a lot of good stuff here including this one.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

30

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3869085

Review of Lucky in Vagas

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I thought this was a very good writer's cramp entry. You followed the prompt and created a nice feel good story. I'm sure someone has already pointed out that you spelled Las Vegas incorrectly as well as a couple other words. No big deal, I liked your story.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the ending where they both had a pleasant surprise for the other.

Suggestions:

Formatting nitpick. I've notice that sometimes I write something in my word processor and when I copy and paste it into WDC some of the formatting goes wonky. It really does improve readability when you skip a line between paragraphs or indent them. I don't know why I find that so distracting when I read but it does.

Overall:

I like feel good stories unless they are too unrealistic. I thought this one was really good. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

31

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3868264

Review of Allison's Story

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Good description, good dialogue and good character work. I thought the chapter held the readers attention and offered enough interest to keep reading into the next chapter. Important to grab the reader's attention right in the first few sentences. Last sentence of that first paragraph saved you.

My Favorite Elements:

I'm not a big fan of fantasy. It has to be really well written to keep me in it. I think your first chapter manages that based on the action which is believeable enough.

Suggestions:

You used too many adverbs and ended too many sentences with prepositions. Potential publishers will balk at those. I would recommend a free program called Editminion to help you find most of them. They are easy enough to correct when you are aware of them.

Overall:

This is a good first chapter. Far better than most of the fantasy I've seen on the site. Your writing needs to be tightened up a bit. This is probably better than my first drafts. Good job!

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3867050

Review of What's in there, anyway?

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Okay I admit it. I'm a man and I read this because of sheer curiosity. My wife has a purse and I only venture in there for the van keys unless otherwise instructed. I know roughly where they are and anywhere else is out of bounds. Your article was very well written and it was amusing as intended.

My Favorite Elements:

Dryer sheets? My wife's allergic to them so that's definitely not there. Mini-saw, that's something I can understand. Lol.

Suggestions:

None.

Overall:

With my limited skills, I honestly couldn't find anything to nitpick. Hope to see more of your work here on WDC.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3866218

Review of The Long Drive Home

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Great story. Not only that but you told it well. I have nothing but a nitpick left to put in my suggestion section.

My Favorite Elements:

The surprise ending which maybe shouldn't have surprised me much. There were clues leading up to it.

Suggestions:

My nitpick is adverbs. Descriptive words ending in "ly". Your story could get rid of them and not miss them. I'm sure a punctuation or grammar guru could find something else but that is not my strong suit.

Overall:

Thought you did an excellent job. Keep up the great work!

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

34

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3865866

Review of The Car

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Cool car. Not a badly written scene. If this is intended as a first chapter for a book it falls short. As written it might work for a scene somewhere in a book. Description and flow is good.

My Favorite Elements:

Liked the interaction between the two cousins.

Suggestions:

If these guys are going to be your main characters, as a reader I have to have a reason to care about what they are up to. Stealing cars for the thrill... easy money... gotta be something stronger than that. What do they need the money for? That could be the needed motivation right there.

I also think that you end the chapter too soon. I could be wrong about this. I'm not sure that just curiosity about whether they get away or not is good enough. You might have a better lead into the rest of the story if you bring the chapter up to the point where they have made their escape.

Overall:

Not a bad scene. There is potential here. Don't let my suggestions discourage you. Just trying to prompt you to taking this to another level. Good job!

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

35

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3864285

Review of An Ordinary Day in June

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Great description from beginning to end. I read this several days ago and there was something about it that I didn't like but couldn't identify why I felt that way. Took me that long to figure it out. Your writing skills are clearly superior. Maybe even intimidating to someone with my skills.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the redneck imagery, "like possum crap on a barbecue." I do fear that might say something about me as a person.

Suggestions:

Took me two days to figure this out but I never really found myself invested in the characters. I might have a felt a little at the very end.

Overall:

Outside of my one observation I can't see anything else to fault this on. Your writing is really good. I wish I could paint a word picture that vividly.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

36

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3863850

Review of Wake Up

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Nice piece of writing. Brought back fond memories of college. There were four of us in the dorm room. My alarm would be the last to sound every morning. I would get up, shower and shave and then return to the room to get my things for the day and all three of them were still in bed. It doesn't end in your teens.

My Favorite Elements:

The chronological presentation of the illogical morning thoughts worked very well.

Suggestions:

For those critics that hate adverbs you have a bundle of them. Just count how many words end in "ly". Most editors are not fond of them. Writing is usually stronger if you write most of them out.

Overall:

I'm impressed. The adverb thing is really all I can fault you on here.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

37

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3854867

Review of Confederate Soldier I have known

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I was drawn in by your title. Real life history interests me and I just had to come and have a look. It held my interest throughout and finished with an appropriate ending. The writing itself was excellent.

My Favorite Elements:

Favorite part of the story was the personal experience element. Definitely a story worth recounting.

Suggestions:

Just a couple of quibbles. "In 1955/56, at age 11/12". That's an awkward construction. I would consider rephrasing it.

"I recall he said he was over 101 going on 102." I would drop the word over. It's redundant.

Overall:

This is an excellent story well told. Hats off to you. I look forward to see more of your work in the future as I lurk around the site. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

38

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3615784

Review of Poor Poet

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I read this not entirely sure if I liked it or loved it. Had odd questions come to mind while I read it. Why were there teens dancing at an Elk ranch in front of the house?

My Favorite Elements:

There was a whimsical feel to this in places that I felt really made this work.

Suggestions:

Ending seemed a little abrupt. I'm not sure that's a problem at all.

"Included are top performers such as cows producing 14+ lb. two year olds." This is a little confusing though. Two year old Elk are only 14+ pounds?

Overall:

Well written with believable dialogue. I've decided I like it. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

39

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3602166

Review of Have you ever Kissed a Mule?

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

As an animal lover I found this to be an interesting read. I write the occasional animal tale myself just because life is so incomplete without being around them.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the first line and the last especially.

Suggestions:

I would put ADMA in brackets after you wrote "American Donkey and Mule Society" just because some of us still count on our fingers and when you referenced it three sentences later I had to go back and check first letters.

Overall:

Excellent story and information. The world can't get enough animal stories. We actually considered getting mules or donkeys at one point. We lived in a very wet acreage at the time though and I've seen too many people raise cattle in mud holes. When I say "wet acreage", we could literal dig a well in the spring with a spoon. I don't think the water table was more than six inches down. My understanding is that equines need to be dry and I spared them the experiment. Enjoyed your work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

40

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3586585

Review of Feast

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I liked this. For the most part it was very well written and I liked the twist you gave a traditional story.

My Favorite Elements:

Easily the two disguised wolves finding each other out.

Suggestions:

There are verb tense agreement problems throughout a lot of your work. It is less noticeable in this particular piece but it still comes up. I would take and read you work aloud. Sometimes things like that are easier to find when you do that.

Overall:

Overall an excellent bit of work. I like reading (and writing) work with an element of humour present. Keep working at your writing and keep having fun.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

41

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3585603

Review of June 3--Waiting

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

You wrote this whole scene in fifteen minutes based on some photo prompt? I'm impressed. Will make up run off your face in rivulets in really hot weather? As a Canadian I don't deal with that kind of heat and besides that I don't wear any make up. Makes me wonder about what the photo prompt was. It does appear to have the potential to become a larger work.

My Favorite Elements:

You painted the scene and did some character building. That's probably while you leave this open to build on later.

Suggestions:

You really over used the weak verb was. If you ever revisit this you should make the effort to write most of them out.

Overall:

Very nice quickly written scene. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy too sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

42

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3575083

Review of Kite Tails

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers"

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

As shaggy dog stories goes this one was pretty well done. You clearly understood the genre.

My Favorite Elements:

The whole scenario was appropriately ridiculous.

Suggestions:

Could have made it harder to put down before the end. If I was't planning to put in a review on it I would have not finished reading it. Not that it was badly written. Kites and kite tails just don't do much for me.

Overall:

I actually enjoy this genre from the storyteller's point of view. My all time favorite comes from Dave Allen an old Irish comedian who did a clip that I consider classic. A woman and her son are scrambling down what looks like halls from some huge old manor desperately searching for a place to hide. Steady heavy footfalls follow them, slowly closing in for the apparent kill. Finally the pair hide in a closet. The footsteps draw closer and stop dramatically in front of the closet. The man's hand reaches for the doorknob. He swing the door open. The audience holds their breath expecting to witness a double murder. Then the woman says, "Daddy plays good hide and seek."

Polish your work it has potential.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

43

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3575072

Review of Teardrops of a Broken Heart + Tears Drop

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers"

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I'm not much of a poet myself but I really like this. I hope your school teacher gave you a good mark on it because I think you deserved it. You broke with your rhyme scheme in the second verse but I'm not criticizing that because I don't think it takes away from the poem at all.

My Favorite Elements:

I think the focus on that single tear at the beginning was very effective.

Suggestions:

None

Overall:

Great job! Keep up the excellent work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

44

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3573574

Review of Onward

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Outside of one notable point I thought this was very well written. Good dialog and good description.

My Favorite Elements:

Element of horror was well developed and presented.

Suggestions:

Repetitive sentence element was very distracting at the start of the piece. "The robot" was repeated over and over again. Many of those instances could have been exchanged for the word it. I would have tried to find other terms to describe it just to get some variety into it. Four of your first six paragraphs start with either "the robot's" or "the robot". Don't feel bad about it. Most of us do this and need someone else to point it out.

Overall:

I thought it was a good story. Maybe the start of something a lot bigger. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

45

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3573567

Review of Last Night I Dreamt Of You, and I Cried

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This is exactly what your description says it is. I had a hard time defining it beyond that. It has a beginning middle and end but I have a hard time defining it as a story. Kind of an internal monologue for lack of a better description. I liked it.

My Favorite Elements:

I like the mood you created with the piece. Otherwise it is hard for me to nail down anything specific I thought was particularly well done.

Suggestions:

None.

Overall:

Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

46

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3570128

Review of What's My Name?

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I give you a five star rating on this not because I felt it was perfect but because I cannot see any way that this could be made better. There is rhyming couplets here and there and the rhythm varies. I do think it all work together as a whole and that is what really counts.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the way the beginning and the end tie together.

Suggestions:

None.

Overall:

Your dream is to become a published writers. Keep up the terrific work. You'll get there if you keep writing and keep working at it.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

47

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3568437

Review of Will You

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

A simple straightforward beautiful love poem. I liked it.

My Favorite Elements:

"My love is strong honest, and true." I like this line and thought it reflected the character of the whole poem.

Suggestions:

I don't know maybe the rhythm could have been improved.

Overall:

Great job! Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

48

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3555457

Review of Change (revised)

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers"

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Oh goodie a fellow Canadian with obvious writing talent. Your bio even shows you know how to spell colour. I liked your poem a lot. It is very good.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the way you compared the person this about to a lace wedding veil. For me that was skillfully done.

Suggestions:

In the second line it does seem like stunning isn't referring to anything. I think I know what you are saying and don't actually mean it as a reference to something else. I would reword that.

Overall:

Excellent work. You said in your bioblock that you like reviewing and being reviewed. You'll fit in very well here. Keep up the excellent work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

49

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3555438

Review of Silence Unconquerable

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers"

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I had a bit of a difficult time getting into the piece. Once I did though I found I liked it. It is focused and it describes well a western duel.

My Favorite Elements:

The repetitive structure is used very well and is very effective.

Suggestions:

I found the vocabulary at a distracting high level. I'm not saying to dumb it down. Most western readers wouldn't use a lot of the words you did though and find them a little out of place. I found I spent too much time pondering the meaning of the words than focusing on the story.

Overall:

Excellent work. Very well written. Just be careful not to write over your reader's heads.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3555423

Review of The Children

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers"

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This is an interesting read in a difficult to explain kind of way. Sometimes as a reviewer I tear my hair out trying to be constructive helpful and at the same time encouraging. There is a rambling, randomness to a lot of the thoughts expressed here. It might be something to criticize on the other hand it is a major element in the appeal of the piece. It creates a mood that works. I did a quick look at your other work and see that same element in your other work.

My Favorite Elements:

The mood in this piece. There is a random childhood innocence to it. It also shows a certain amount of progression from beginning to end.

Suggestions:

The randomness to some of the thought expressed can be a weakness if you don't tame it. It can make your writing seem to not have focus or at times lose it's focus. I recommend writing a lot and learning all you can. You definitely have a unique voice and if you capitalize on it you could become an excellent interesting to read writer.

Overall:

Lots of great tools on this site to help you improve. Write a lot and enjoy yourself on WDC.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio. Reviews are always welcome.