Hello raines80.
Thank you for your request for me to review this for you, per your request your action is the topic. I will reflect on other issues for you as I did your other story so you can get a better understanding of things. This will be a typical review I do for others, meaning It is my desire for you to advance in your dream as a writer.
Please take into consideration I am far from perfect, in fact I too am learning many things as everyone here is. I will treat your review now as I would one in my Fantasy forum and unto me. You will be able to get a feel of what it is like to have a full blown review done for you.
First I will read the story chapter and then I will add my comments.
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Once again I have something to say for your entry at the bottom, remove this!!!!!!!!
I can tell you now you have a story to be told and all you need is time and practice in this art. One thing every author new or seasoned will tell you is you will always be learning and you will stumble. Picking yourself up from the dust is up to you! (This is my quote.)
Now let's begin.
Your chapter is full of life, activity, dreams, passion for gloy and love. What it is missing is simply the basics and I will go over them and show you how to deal with some of them. Your action you are concerned of needs work and to be politely blunt a lot of work. You will see how easy it is to change this around so don't be shy and think it is too much, it'l be worth it in the end.
You offered me an understanding of this world, I now know what it is comprised of and I will show you how to better portray this.
Let's take a look at the first issue.
Line spacing - Simply create a space between paragraphs. Now let's cover the other part, character role and change of thought.
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Coming down where "Ian" and "Chase" are talking after the game, seperate where "Ian" begins to speak, keep the characters together.
The sentence above his sentence break off and seperate because this is a seperate thought following the previous thought.
Again do the same when he takes (A jolting shot to his arm) and seperate, different thought. Add the next thought but seperate the following because you are now going into a comparative process of thought.
You see how this works?
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Grammer - This is a large area and I will do what I am able. First you need to cover your past / present tense very well. All narration is to be past or simple past tense, never can you use present tense. If you do it must be used in a way that it is directed in a past tense manner. My best advice, don't attempt it until you are familiar with grammer. Every reviewer will nail you on it.
Words that end with "ing" are not your friend in here, present tense. Any group of words that lead to the present tense meaning are no good, always use sentence structure that details the past in the narrative form.
Words to stay away from or use as little as often - was, had, have is present tense, as, as well, is, has, have. This is a small list, it should help.
You seem to have a pretty good understanding of the various nouns and I'll not expand here.
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Character flow - I will take some of your work and show you some examples.
( With a sly grin Chase nodded toward his friend's leg and said, "Is that why you seem to have developed a walk that better suites a soldier who has served 40 years for his kingdom?"
Ian looked down at his leg. "My leg? What do you mean my ..... oh, you mean this old injury. It has a tendency to act up every now and then. Besides, I think the young ladies at the feast tonight might need someone to mother a bit.").........
.........(Chase nodded toward Ian's leg, "I see you developed the walk of a retired veteran from the army!"
"This old injury.....? It flares up now and again, perhaps the ladies can nurse me to health durring the feast tonight." He regarded with a quick glance.
* * * * * *
("You look like a noble in that tunic." Ian's mother placed a bowl of the stew in front of him.
"Thank you, it fits perfect. At least I won't be laughed off the stage for my style of dress," Ian put his face in hands and continued," No, I won't be laughed at for that.")...........................(Placing a bowl of stew before him "A noble look with your new tunic"
"Thank you mother, it fits perfecty" Grieved, his head laid within his hand's. "I won't be humiliated for this")
* * * * * * *
Action scenes - Yours -(Ian felt a hand grab his old grey tunic at the shoulder. Making a quick cut to his right, he managed to twist the hand free with his momentum. Ian felt a surge of hope following a much sharper stab of regret as his momentum failed him by plunging him head first into another player's gut. The impact shot the ball from his grasp into a puddle not far from the one he and the other boy fell into where their bodies tangled awkwardly.)..............
Mine - (A quick cut to the right he avoided the grasp at his shoulder, he spun about unable to avoid the head on impact with the gut of another player. His pride ruined the ball shot free from his grip, helplessy the pair became entangled at the legs.)..........Everyone knows how to play football, tag, dodgeball so you don't need the excessive detail.
Yours - (Kingdom Ball was not a hard game to master. You have two teams on opposite sides of a field. The game ball consisted of nothing more than a pig gut filled with sand. It was surrounded by any type of hide that was than pieced together crudely by twine. The ball would be placed in the middle of the field between the two teams. The two team captains rush towards the ball in an effort to recover it. Once recovered, the object was to get the ball to predetermined score markers. It did not matter how the ball ended up at the score markers, as long as one of your team mates possessed it. )...............
Mine - (Not diffficult to master, Kingdom Ball resembled a soccer and football game in one. An open goal at iether end of the field. Two team captains rushed for the siezure of the game piece. No regard in the manner of how the toy past a goal. Possession had to be of a team mate.)........Very closely resembles both games, the same thing is said with less words.
Yours - ( Knowing that grasping the ball too tightly would only cause it to slip from his hold, Ian tucked the ball carefully under his right bicep and plodded forwarded through the muddy terrain.)............
Mine - (Ian knew to tuck the ball beneath his arm and plodded forward along the muddied terrain.).........You already indicated the slippery texture in the narrative.
Whenever you detail action of any kind I tend to look for the similarities of other actions. If it is a common event then I don't need to over write the detail because most people know what is meant.
If you are describing a physical action let the reader know the precise movements of the body in the least amount of words possible. You don't want to go on a wordy marathon describing the first step before the next foot comes down.
Simply - (Terry spun about. Right foot down his left wheeled about and caught the head oft the attacker. Withdrawn to his stance he thrust forward with a full body kick and the assailant retreated after being slammed to the wall.)............... Here you have a full display of activity, ninety nine percent is action and one percent is setting it up.
(His shield raised he fended against the crush of wieght. Scabbord thrust forward the front retreated from the blade. The raised attacker slid along the shield and another thrust felled the surprized combatant.)........Again use as little words as possible to describe your action. When you wonder if everyone will see your vision describe as you see it and nothing more. This will usually work in your favor.
When creating a piece of action avoid commas. They are used for the continuation of a thought. In action every move is different and you want periods. Short and choppy sentences will secure each activity in your reader's mind.
When you describe an event from the character the rule is very similiar, remember when the character speaks this is the only time you may use a present tense phrase.
I have some basic rules for myself when creating an action scene.........Present the image as I see it, how is the body situated? What body part is moving? What is the precise movement of the opponent against mine? Don't count the steps to a location, write the precise action involved in getting there, who or what is in the way, negotiate every obstacle and use the eyes of the character involved.
The less "tell "you have means you have more room for "show" and this is what sells at the bookstores. I have been drilled enough on this one too when I started here.
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Narration - Again keep it past tense. Use as few words as possible to "tell" your reader what you want them to know. Too wordy and they will toss it aside. Spend too much time in the narrative and you will lose your reader, their looking for your character/characters, not you. They will see you at the book signing and your picture in the book.
Your narration throughout is too wordy and most often it can be completely changed. You have action in many forms in your chapter, not just the game......
Yours.............(Ian could feel the cold air coming off the White Horse Mountains of the East across the Plains of Rigbar and in through his bedroom window. The chill it brought caressed his face and continued as a shiver all the way down his back.)........
Mine................(The cold air blew from the White Horse Mountain range from the East. His face carressed by the chill, his body rivted by the spine tingling effect......Even though this is action it has an affect to him, the thought can be continued because the relaion is caused by the same.
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Your story has potential, it is fresh and only you can make this happen. There are a lot of authors in WDC who will assist you. I suggest joining one of the forums and take in all the guidance you can get. In turn you will be able to assist others who are just starting out.
I definately enjoyed your story, it was fun to read and that is all you need to get started.
Keep on writing and enjoy yourself at it.
imgine.
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