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Review of Love Potion  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh my, I loved this, absolutely loved it! What a fun read! Below are a few things I noticed which I thought I’d point out. These are all only myopinion, so do with them what you will.

In the first paragraph, I think you can tighten up the phrasing in the third sentence. Instead of “three times or four times”, try “three or four times”. Also, the second and third sentence both begin with “She” which can sometimes be a problem.

Your description of Jeffrey was okay–I especially liked the way you described his eyes–but I would have liked a little more information. What color was his hair? Did it fall in his eyes while he was reading? Now on the other hand, I could see Tanya! The picture of her was very vivid.

There were some places I’d have added commas, one place where I thought it was a little repetitive. Specifically, the paragraph beginning “She returned to work…” The first three sentences begin with “She”. Also, in the second sentence, Tanya wonders how long it “would take” to “take effect”. It sounded awkward.

One other thing, the sentence, “She told herself that he looked into their eyes because none of them had breasts that were worth looking at.” I can’t remember why, but I seem to remember a rule of grammar that says a sentence shouldn’t end with “at”. I thought maybe substituting “ogling” for “looking at” would work. Just a thought.

Finally, I love the surprise ending! Especially how you repeat “hopelessly” from the spell in the beginning. Overall, I very much enjoyed this story. Thanks for sharing.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not usually a big fan of the short, choppy sentences but I did enjoy the cleverness in this poem. And I did read it again! Keep it up!
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Review of Anniversary Chat  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Poignant and sad. I don't IM so I'm not up to speed on the format, etc. but this looked perfect to me. My heart went out to her, she's in a position so many women have been in over the years. Well done. Keep it up!
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Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jerry,

I really enjoyed this story! It was so much fun to read–both times. I especially enjoyed reading it through the second time and catching the little clues that the Sentry was really a dog. What a clever mind you have! I only caught a couple of things I thought I should point out:

*Bullet* single minded – I believe this should be hyphenated, though I’m not absolutely certain.

*Bullet* In the paragraph beginning “Due to the methodology” you use the word “transcribe”. As a legal secretary of some umpteen years, this brings to mind a pad of paper and pen even though I know it’s meant to convey “decipher” or “translate”. Just my perspective, for what it’s worth.

*Bullet* "Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor?" Asked the Sentry. This will truly show you how nitpicky I am. The A in asked should be lower case; the dialog as well as the identifying phrase make one complete sentence. At least I’ve never seen the identifying phrase capitalized in this manner.

*Bullet* I liked the bit about the Source and how the Sentries gravitated to humans because their souls were close to the Source. That was a nice, subtle touch. I just read a story you might appreciate which I will email you separately.

What a great story; thank you so much for sharing it!
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Review of CUPID'S BEEPER  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
What a clever and unique idea for a story! I loved the idea and how you developed it. I caught some things I thought you might want to take another look at below.

*Bullet* I think it should be Mount Olympus, not Olympia. In this same paragraph, I think you can delete “now” from the third sentence. “Still” is sufficient by itself.

*Bullet* In the second paragraph there are a couple of inadvertent line breaks.

*Bullet* In your third paragraph, I think “that” should be “who” since you’re talking about people.

*Bullet* Fourth paragraph, “rear” should be “rare”.

*Bullet* On the box there was an address of the company that sold them. – this may be a personal preference, but I believe the 'of' should be 'for'.

*Bullet* In that same paragraph, “little glowing wings” sounded strange to me. Since “little” is descriptive of the wings, I think it sounds better to say “glowing, little wings”.

*Bullet* I also saw a few places I would insert commas: after “backpack” in the fifth paragraph; after “watched” in the sixth paragraph; and after “building” in the seventh paragraph.

*Bullet* In the sixth paragraph I think “lead” should be “led”.

*Bullet* Next paragraph, “companies” should be “company’s”. In this same paragraph, insert a comma after box and delete one of the zeroes from the phone number.

*Bullet* Last paragraph, “ever” should be “every”.

*Bullet* I found the repeated reference to Cupid’s age a little odd. The first reference is understandable to lay the foundation for the story. The “wasn’t getting any younger” comment was also reasonable. Later though, the story says he “felt younger than he had in hundreds of years” and still later, “he felt younger with every Arrow…”, and (in the same paragraph) “He was so happy that Cupid felt hundreds of years younger.” It just seemed a little like overkill on that point. Maybe if you changed "younger" to "rejuvenated" or something to break up the sameness.

Also, this last sentence sounded awkward to me; I think I'd reverse the "he" and "Cupid".

I love the twist of Cupid adopting modern technology to get the job done. It’s an interesting idea and I like how it all melded together. Thanks for sharing!
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I enjoyed meeting Ellie, she’s a kick in the pants. You have a clever beginning and I think there’s lots of potential here for development. I’m a bit of a nit picker so take my suggestions with a grain of salt; it’s completely up to you whether you make use of any of them.

*Bullet* I would have liked a bit more description of Ellie – what color is the “nest” on her head? Is it curly or straight? Also, what color are her eyes? Does she have freckles? Same goes for Simon. The description of the neighbor was excellent; I’d like to “see” the other characters as well.

*Bullet* There are a couple of really long sentences which I would suggest shortening or dividing. The sentence beginning “Creeping outside…” and the one beginning “Trying hard…”.

Suggestions: I might rearrange and split the first one like this: Wearing only my ratty but extremely cozy housecoat, I crept outside for my daily paper. (You don’t need “sub-zero frost of morning” since you already referred to “snow-covered” in the first sentence.) Once again, the paper was missing – for the third time this week! (I think this sharpened it up some by combining the second half with the next sentence. Now take a look at the other one and see what you think.

*Bullet* I checked out your bio block but it doesn’t say where you’re from so I’m going out on a limb here and guessing you aren’t American (neighbour vs. neighbor). Is it common to write “in to” where you’re from? I didn’t want to nit pick that if it’s common for your style. We write it as “into”.

*Bullet* I noticed some punctuation problems with the dialog. An example: Sighing, I came back with a weak, “After school…”. Because the dialog begins in the middle of the sentence, the A in after would be lower case.

Another: “I thought that your first outfit was nicer,” with an amused smile he got in to his patrol car and drove away. I’d change the comma after nicer to a period, then capitalize “with” and make it a new sentence.

*Bullet* What’s a “double double”? In California (where I used to live) it’s a wonderful, handmade hamburger with everything! Depending on your audience, you may want to clarify Ellie’s menu.

*Bullet* Apparently patience is supposed to be a virtue as well, something else which I had yet to master. This sentence sounded awkward to me for some reason.

*Bullet* Another thing which confused me – why didn’t Ellie spot the cruiser when she looked over her shoulder but saw it in her rearview? Was it in a blind spot?

*Bullet* In describing the officer’s hair and eyes it says how well his hair matched his eyes – but his eyes had flecks of green. Maybe his hair “complemented” his eyes? Match and complement are synonyms but I think a lot of readers think “identical” when they hear or see “match”.

*Bullet* “my very own piece of heaven” – I’m guessing this is sarcasm but it just felt odd to me.

*Bullet* One spelling error I saw wouldn’t have been caught by a spell check since the word is a real word, just not the one you probably meant to use – “you’re” should be “your”.

Awhile ago I read an old novel by Janet Evanovich, I don’t recall the name. But her heroine resembled Ellie in that she was constantly embarrassing herself in front of this great looking guy. It makes the character seem more human, more real. You’ve done a good job with this beginning. I’m looking forward to reading more of Ellie’s misadventures! Keep it up!
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Review of Out on the Water  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love it when something I read makes me think as this piece did. Your tale had me wondering what it was that James wanted to escape and who he had become that he needed to avoid thinking about it. My first thoughts were that he was ill, seriously ill ("unbearable pain") and that idea seems somewhat confirmed by this line, “These days were few and far between…”. But that could also mean he’s such a busy, Type-A personality he rarely takes the time to visit the water. He could also be trying to escape the rat race. Like I said, it made me think, which I love. On to the nitty gritty:

In your first sentence I don’t think you need the word “now”. It’s implied by the first half of the sentence and by removing it I believe the whole sentence is sharper.

I looked up “new found” and in this context it's one word. (Of course the extra space there could be a typo *Smile*).

In your last paragraph you talk about James having to “compel a smile.” While compel is a synonym for “force”, I’m more accustomed to seeing “compel” used where one person makes another do something, as opposed to compelling themselves to do something. Since both words mean about the same thing I’m guessing either one works, I just thought I’d share my first impression.

I enjoyed this a lot. Sharing James’ internal struggle – whatever it’s about – was interesting and made me want to know more. Keep it up!
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What a sweet tale! I empathized immediately with your characters and was so happy for Julian when he found Lily and remembered her! I was a little disappointed that there was no resolution with Maria - as a parent, I can't help imagining her fear for her son.

The only thing I would change is the spacing; it was hard to read and I would have liked some space between each paragraph.

Great job!
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Sandeep, I like the rewrite! It flows more smoothly. Two points I would make - since you are from India and this is based on real experiences there, you might want to add an author's note at the beginning. Just a sentence or two like what you sent me; I would imagine that would help a reader's perspective.

Second, I'm still having difficulty with the stanza beginning "I heard say SOS". As it is, this sentence is not complete as there is no object for the verb "heard". If you don't want to identify a particular individual you could say something like "I heard echoes of SOS." That could be multiple people, or one person repeating the word. It doesn't indentify specifically, but I think it makes the sentence complete.

Your improvesments were well written, I appreciate reading it again. Keep it up!

Lori
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Review of Deserted Hideaway  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this story of yours via the action/adventure newsletter. I loved the idea for this story, heck for this vacation spot – what a cool place to go for a vacation! You covered the bases I would have wondered about had they not been mentioned – medical, law enforcement, etc. The characters were believable and I liked their interaction. The plot was excellent and I liked how you even included a false suspect – I was fairly certain he wasn’t the murderer, but not absolutely sure until the end.

I’ve seen that you are published, you must be so proud! I’m reluctant to nitpick someone whose already accomplished so much but there were some things I noticed which you might want to know about.

*Bullet* In the third paragraph there’s a repetition of the phrase “her arms around”.

*Bullet* “With a sigh, Mona dropped onto the sofa beside her friend.

*Bullet* There are two different spellings for “Hurberts” when he is first introduced.

*Bullet* “As she mounted the stairs and found her room where the crewman was just leavingleft, she smiled.”

*Bullet* I was confused by the French windows vs. doors. My naiveté may be showing, do they call them by both names? I’ve only heard the French doors version.

*Bullet* There was something incongruous about Mona wearing a cameo broach with a Grecian-style gown. The two styles didn’t seem to go together and Mona seems like a savvy woman, who wouldn’t clash styles without good reason. If the cameo belonged to her mother, she might wear it with anything. Just a thought.

*Bullet* There’s a bit of dialogue which confuses me. Brad and Mona are sitting together at dinner. Mona is listening to him speak with the guest on his other side. “As he listened to Mrs. Higgins, she couldn’t help hearing a few words of their conversations.” Then she asks, “Has Mrs. Rice said one thing that wasn’t negative?” – Is this a different guest?

*Bullet* In Tammy’s description of the detective and his wife, the word “really” is used twice in the same sentence. This may be Tammy’s manner of speech, but in case it isn’t, I thought I’d let you know.

*Bullet* “With one smooth, almost soundless move, Brad left his seat and tackled the butler, latching with a death-like grip onto his wrist above the knife.” – I moved a comma and flip-flopped some of the words toward the end of this sentence. It didn’t flow well to me.

Those were the main, substantive things I saw which I thought you might want to know about. I noticed other, minor things which I won’t detail. Some misspellings which wouldn’t be caught by a spell check: types for tapes, listen when it should have been listened, those sorts of problems. There were two places where I would have changed the word you used, in one case you used the word “set” when I felt it should have been “sat” due to the context. Interestingly, the other instance was the use of the word “sat” when I thought “set” would have been more appropriate. I also noted a few places where a hyphen would be necessary or where one word was written as two – for example, I think “redhead” is one word, rather than two.

I enjoyed “meeting” Mona, she had a strong personality and though she was obviously in some distress, she didn’t dissolve into hysterics and self-pity. An excellent example of a heroine! Thanks for sharing her story.

Lori
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Rated: E | (2.5)
The poem's subject is one a lot of people might relate to and I think it has potential. Personally, I didn't really feel anything from this. I've taken my share of tests or examinations but this didn't really move me. Below are some things I noticed in my review.

*Bullet* The title is "Writing My Examination" but it seems to be about the class as a whole. For example, the first stanza says, "the chill ran down the spine".

*Bullet*I thought these were the best lines:

         "Tension mounted in the air
         And the hands trembled with fear"

*Bullet* "no body" is one word: nobody.

*Bullet* "Mocking at our sentence of death" delete "at".

*Bullet* "black print" & "black marks" why the repetition? It isn't clear. In this same stanza, I don't get the last line - what are "friendly answers"?

*Bullet* "The eyeball slipped left and right" - only one eye moved? And I'd be interested to know why you specify "eyeball", it sounds strange.

*Bullet* "I heard say SOS" - heard who say SOS? (or maybe it's 'whom' *Smile*)

*Bullet* "Seeking help was in vein" - should be "vain".

*Bullet* "wondered" should be "wandered".

*Bullet* I don't understand why the teacher would be disgraced; I suppose it isn't really necessary to know but it stopped the flow for me.

*Bullet* I would put "the" in front of villain.

If it's going to be about you, it needs to be more personal - the chill should run down your spine; your hands should tremble, etc.

Good beginning, keep writing!

Lori
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I think you have the makings of a great story here. I liked the excitement and action, as well as the high tech gadgetry. There is a lot of potential to polish this into a great tale. You mentioned on the request review page (and in the item itself) that this is an excerpt of a larger work. Since there are no descriptions or introductions of the characters I’m going to assume this scene is set somewhere in the middle of your novel. However, if this is your beginning then you may want to work into it descriptions of each of the characters – who they are, what they look like, why they’re here – not to mention where “here” is. You want your reader to identify with one or more of them.

Here are some specific things you may want to look at:

*Bullet* In your title: Premonition is misspelled.

*Bullet* Regarding the panels you describe in the first paragraph, if the panel itself slides up how does Luthor look at it and how does he place his hand on the other one? This might be clearer if you say a cover slides up revealing the panel.

*Bullet* In the next paragraph: “…3D images of the weird guns…” In this same sentence, I suggest changing the end from “soldiers had had” to “soldiers had carried” or something similar, to avoid the repetition of had. I believe it is correct the way you have it, but it sounded awkward to me.

*Bullet* “In each was” – didn’t flow well; perhaps something like “Each contained…”?

*Bullet* “bronze-skinned” should have a hyphen.

*Bullet* Luthor introduces Dinah and James to Lily, but not Karen and John.

*Bullet* Lily’s is possessive. More than one Lily would be Lilys. When we’re talking about the flower Lily, plural would be Lilies, though I’m uncertain whether it would be the same in this case; it’s a unique circumstance I haven’t encountered before.

*Bullet* In the demonstration of the disks I would insert Lily’s name as follows, “It flew to the next closest Lily…”

*Bullet* “Wouldn’t just using their guns work just the same?” – get rid of one or even both of the “justs”, they’re not really necessary.

*Bullet* You’ve got each new line of dialogue beginning on a new line which is good and you have your characters moving, an excellent way to bring them to life.

*Bullet* “Dinah jumped towards the first Lily, using her momentum to bring her right foot around to the left.” Is this what you meant? If not, this line needs a little attention.

*Bullet* “The gloves, once they are on, respond directly to your thoughts.” Delete “out”.

*Bullet* There are a couple of places I think you may have been typing pretty fast and just missed a couple of errors. The words themselves are correct so a spell check would not have caught them, but when read in context, they’re the wrong word. Example: “He was silent for a moment, the let out a sigh.” There are a couple of other instances like this you’ll need to catch when you do another read-through.

*Bullet* I think “juiced-up” should be hyphenated.

*Bullet* “And, leaving them with that thought, he turned and left them.” Leaving and Left – you may want to rephrase this so the repetitive words are replaced with something else.

I look forward to reading more of this, and getting to know your characters. Write on!

Lori

P.S. Something which would make this easier to read would be to add a blank line between the paragraphs. Just a thought; some readers are intimidated by big blocks of text and think it will take a long time to read so don't bother.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this. I read it several times and found the words were beautiful, and the emotion they describe is clear and heartfelt.

One of my nits to pick is the lack of punctuation. There are no commas, and so no "visual" rests. Someone accustomed to reading poetry would probably do what I did and insert pauses naturally as they read, especially the third or fourth time through. Someone who doesn't read a lot of poetry may try to read this all in one long breath because they're used to "seeing" the places to pause.

Last nit to pick - my personal bugaboo: towards is not a word. Well, it didn't used to be a "real" word. Sticklers for good English use "toward" without the S. However, I've seen towards in the Encarta Dictionary so I think it's a personal opinion nowadays. *Smile*

Just my two cents; excellent writing, keep it up!

Lori
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful! I can visualize this in one of two ways - either the illustrations are of a "real" dragon child and mother or they depict a human child who is pretending to be a dragon, with Mommy playing along. In either case, with bright, detailed illustrations this will make an excellent tale for preschoolers! I'd read it to my grandchildren. *Smile*

Great job!
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Review of Mission girl  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Aha - the "mission" connection! I was wondering until I saw your note, thanks for including it. Too sarcatic? No, I think it rocks just as it is. The a hint of humanity she shows when giving change to the homeless seems a bit out of character, but then nobody's perfect *Wink*. The only correction needed that I see is a comma after the first "Cadillac".

Thanks for the early morning grins!

Lori
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Review of Through her eyes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is quite an emotional piece; I hope there was healing in the writing. Without being too graphic you make it clear what's happening and what needs to be done. Since you asked for honest feedback, I'll point out some things I saw -

* The stanzas are different lengths which to me personally, threw off the rhythm of the poem.

* "there is others" - should be there are others

* "But keep your head held up high" - I read this with "held" and without it and I think it sounds smoother or flows better without the extra word.

* "Don't think this sorry means more than last" - This line confused me at first; I had to read it a few times in context before it finally became clear. Maybe if you added "the" before "last"?

* "the one on a face" - I think this would sound better if the "a" were chnaged to "the".

* "there mama" - their

* "Thinks will get" - Things

* "Your strong" - You're

This has a lot of potential and I can tell it came from your heart. Keep writing!

Lori
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Review of I.C.U.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not sure I get this but I liked it. It gave a sense of what the visitor to ICU feels - I've spent my share of time in an ICU. The line beginning "Life's art" - what does that mean to you? I didn't understand "soul-beat's" either but I understand the sobbing in prayer. Very moving. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Monsters  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good! I love how much feeling you've put into so few words. My only suggestion for a change would be to add some pauses (commas). Reading it straight through with no break takes away some of its impact. (Example: "The closet door creaks, the mosters come out")
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Review of The Wok  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting poem. I'm not sure I get it completely, but it held my attention to the end. For example, what does the last sentence of the first stanza mean? "Ware" in the dictionary means a lot of different things, such as "things for sale", "marketable skill", etc. So I'm wondering what your meaning is here as it isn't obvious from the context.

I had some difficulty with the punctuation too; the lack of commas made it somewhat choppy and one thought began in one stanza and ended in the next, which felt weird when I read it. That's not to say it's wrong - just information about how it felt to this reader.

I liked the ending, the wondering about another man, mirroring his position far away. As I said, very interesting.

Keep writing!
Lori
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Review of Change of Address  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was very cute. I might classify this as a children's story in the genres, might get more exposure that way. Again, great job!
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Most excellent!!! (bows and grovels) This was so great! You rock! Keep the good stuff coming!
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Review of Kraken's Kudos  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow! Your insight and attitude impress me, all the more because of your age (hey give me a break, I'm a grandma almost seven times over!).

This is a wonderful way to remember all those on the site who have helped you in some way; what a great idea!

I'll try to check out your novel soon; I've a bit on my plate at the moment, but hopefully soon I'll have an opportunity.

Lori
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Very clever! I like this a lot! I'm curious why you used capitals to start every new line even when it did not begin a new sentence. I liked the imagery here of words going snap, crackle, pop - inspiration does happen like that sometimes, doesn't it? Great job, keep it up!
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Review of His and Hers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was clever and interesting. I would have liked more description of "her", hair color, did she have freckles? You might want to doublecheck your spelling (one use of "feet" should be "feat") and apostrophes ("Earths" should be "Earth's"). Also, I see several places where commas would be appropriate. If you read it aloud, a comma tells you where to pause naturally.

There were a couple of places where it became repetitive - "He stood" starts two sentences, one immediately following the other.

One sentence I might change: "She felt as though through this she could sense his real meaning, his motivation."

My suggested change: "She felt that through observing, she could sense his real meaning, his motivation."

Lastly, I found the use of "He" and "She" sort of repetitive; I realize you don't have their names to refer to, but I thought I'd let you know.

Overall this was well done. I liked the idea of "listening in" to what each of them was thinking about the other. Makes you want to grab them each by an ear and smack their heads together! Good work, keep it up!
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of Chapter 1

You have a wonderful story started. I enjoyed the characters you've introduced and I look forward to reading subsequent chapters when I have more time. As I told you earlier, I'm a nitpicker and I'll list some things I found which you might want to look at. What you do with this is up to you, no pressure.

* Probably a typo - in the first paragraph "it's" should be "its" and "goings on" should be hypenated.

*In para 2 I would put a comma after behind in "streamed out behind, like..."

* In para 3 you describe "silver buttons of a captain"; later you say "the silver clasp that marked his rank". Minor inconsistency.

* The sisters' hair is described as both "honey-gold" and "sandy".

* The phrase "her eyes possessed a definite mournful quality" feels wrong to me. How about something like this, "her eyes held a deep sadness."

* Your dialogue is great, remember to start a new line when someone speaks for the first time, like this:

The hefty man shot him a friendly smile that revealed yellowing teeth.

“Better get yourself in line, me lad, before Shadaran comes this way.”

* "Your name's Tarem, then?" Your narrative says this is not a question, so you may want to remove the question mark.

* Instead of "Tarem turned down" try "Tarem ignored"

* "little young things" sounds funny to me; maybe something like "little ones" or "young 'uns"

* "stealthfully" unless you're coining a new word for your new world, this should be "stealthily"

* "Emra closed her eyes, slowly letting the insanity merge together until they were mere blurs..." This sentence seems awkward. Insanity is singular but you say "they" merged to mere blurs.

* In one place you italicize Lorelle's name. I'm not entirely clear on why.

* "Emra knew this, and so she did not mind that although they lived in the same house together, yet words were rarely exchanged between them."

* "There were things Emra wished she knew more of." This might sound better if you rearrange it so it doesn't end with "of".

* "extensively named" this should be hyphenated, and I don't really understand it

* "An urgent knocking sounded at the door, ceasing bringing their already waning conversation to an end.

* "his eyes possessed[/x} held an excited, hurried look."

* "towards" should be "toward"

I hope I did the codes right and this isn't confusing. If you have any questions at all about my comments please don't hesitate to email me.

This has caught my attention nicely; I look forward the next chapters as soon as I can fit them in. Great job, keep it up!

Lori
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