This is a well written tribute.
It sounds realistic and is done in the voice of one who knew him. But, the genre is not personal or biographical, so I will assume it is fiction.
The voice is strong and the writing shows the character's feelings and thoughts clearly. It sounds real.
It’s a tragedy that so many new immigrants come into this country with their hands extended, eager to take as much as anyone will give them. There are so many who want to take out the hard work and sacrifice out of the equation. It is those who will never really appreciate what this country has to offer. They will never truly be able to enjoy the fruits of this nation.
I wonder about this paragraph though. It pulls the reader's attention from the story and brings a different voice into this.
It takes away from the story, in my opinion. I don't like the opinionated tone sort of thrown in like this.
Suddenly the old man had energy. He felt strong. He felt as if he could stay up all
This line really lifted the story's spirits. It was beginning to drag just a little, and this brought it back well! Good job!
You're right, this is sad. And you wrote it well. I could feel the emotions clearly.
The piece is too short for you to be able to do a lot with the characters, but you did well. I could see Dever, and I could see his kindness by his actions with his sister. Good job!
The ending was sad, and you handled it well.
your four years old now and you can eat
this is --you're-- for you are four--
Some punctuation could use attention. Capitals on names for instance. You could keep working on this, stories can always be made better as we learn more.
Showing the tears is good to hook the readers in. You're showing emotion with good imagery.
This is a good beginning to your story but, it needs another look.
Can you add more details? This could use some. Right now, it's like the outline. You say where they go, and why, but you don't say what happened to them. I know they were chopped into little bitty pieces by a crazy man, but why? How did he find them all? Couldn't one of them have managed to escape? Could he see in the dark? Did he have powers of some kind? Show the boys hiding, running, listening for him. Show their fear! Get some emotion in here. Readers want to be terrified and care for the characters.
his birthday was right around the corner. He wanted to do something special for his birthday
You could cut these words because you've already told the readers it's his birthday. Be careful of repeating the information too often and too close together.
invite five friends to his house to spend the night You could cut these words too. The readers will know this.
for there walk through the creek.
their
They got dressed in all black,
This line reads awkwardly to me. Change the words around and see if they will read smoother to you. Like,[ They all dressed in black. ] It says the same thing.
got flash lights
It sounds like a word is missing here. Maybe, [got their flashlights] flashlights is one word.
got in the realized it wasn't an animal or kidsThis is only a typo
head home in fortey-five forty-five screemed, "I said get out!" screamed
Mark and his friends scatered
scattered --
Lindenhurst has heard there story
their
A good beginning, fill in the details and you'll have a great story. I can see the crazy man really well. You did great with the iamgery there.
I found this on the request a review page. You're interested in first impressions.
The main story is very good, it holds the readers attention well, and I find nothing wrong there at all, except it doesn't seem complete.
My first and final impression is a bit of confusion. The changing scenes, and bits of strangers, there are three or four of these 'out of the loop' scenes. They're good, but the relationship to the story is not explained.
The death? of Anne Marie is not stated. It is left for the reader to surmise. Is it the cause of guilt? Whose? What is the main theme of the story? What are the readers supposed to see?
Where does the title and description fit in? Whose empathy and whose guilt? I believe it needs more detail to bring it to a complete conclusion.
I repeat, the main story is written very well, and it's interesting. It only needs more details to be a wonderful work.
It's been a long time since I visited your port! It's grown...
I noticed a review of your folder on the public page and decided to visit when I discovered it was you. lol
I like this piece a lot. It's funny and reads fast. No bumps to slow the thought down at all. I'd say you've received some helpful reviews and actually read them, huh?
As for the chili, I don't know. I like mine with beef. My oldest son loves to cook, he uses sausage and he can make chili, umm, hot! We don't eat at his house much anymore. lol
This is a wonderfully written, interesting piece. I love the story!
It caught my attention with the first line. The scene is well described and is seen clearly. I noticed no bumps and everything flowed along well. You're a good writer!
The character is seen, and her emotions are felt. The plot of the scene is shown realistically.
Nothing wrong with this writing at all. I found the writing tight with no noticable wordiness.
There are two spelling errors that can be found easily with a careful read.
This is one of the most emotional, honest pieces of writing I've read in a long while.
You have said truthfully what most won't even allow themselves to think; even when they're writing a bio piece. You're showing a tiny bit your soul here; but some won't understand you are using the unique style of Henry James, whom you have quoted.
This is a good piece, and your points made are valid. I like the message you've given here.
There are spelling typos scattered through though, which does cause bumps in the reading. Do you have spellcheck in your writing program? There is one in your port under each item. It will show you the typos, but will not show you correct spelling.
without these vital tools are minds
This one won't show on spellcheck because it's spelled tight, but is the wrong word. It should be --
our--
It's a good piece, fix the typos, and I will read it again and change the rate; if you let me know when it's ready.
I'm so glad we have spell-check in today's world, aren't you? You're good, it's been a long time since I've read this type. It had to be in highschool, and it had to be required, I sure wouldn't read it willingly. It's too hard.
Your message though, hmmm, what are you really saying here?
I love these lines.
From hither and yon ye worthy Revuyers came who grynnethe through payne and ecstasee alyke as ye Gryffyns do. Notte contente wyth mortyl Englissh scyence, ye Revuyers dabbyld in ye Blacke Artes and summonyd up ye terryfyng powyrs of ye Punctuatyn, Sentynce Structyr, and ye dreadyd Danglyrs! Loud were ye Newbies' wayles and moans of lamente, butte ovyrcome they shalle.
Aw, yes, I see them clearly. Gathering and conniving in their dark robes, holding smoking vials of power. What a great image you have painted! It would make a terrific reviewing sig.
Any "worthy Revuyer" wants to come in and get technical, go ahead and enjoy
I wouldn't dare!
This is pretty good for a spur of the moment write. It really is. I enjoyed the read.
I found only one typo and one bump. The bump is my opinion only, as a reader.
who open there eyes and spelling typo
And the thorn of this world Is all but dead.
Is this what you meant to say? It sort of threw me off here, as a reader. I see 'all but dead' as being useless, when actually the thorn is very much alive and well, according to the rest of the poem.
I liked the message. It is clearly written.
Well done! esprit
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I found this on the public review page. I'm glad I did.
This is a great piece! Many have and are going through this very thing, so can relate to this well.
It is written well, reads easy and no typos were noticed by me.
Another one of those horror stories, and getting better. You are good with this genre, do you know that? You can cause the readers to tense up and
squint their eyes.
I wish you had a writing program that corrected the words as you write though. Without the spelling errors, this could be read easily. They really drag it down and cause the readers to stumble and lose the drift of the story. Not good.
putrid, nasty, rotting smell that makes your nose hairs curl.
Woo! This line reeks! Good job!
You hear your foot steps beading softly on the floor
Did you mean this word? It really doesn't make sense. Is is spelled wrong? Does it bead from water? He wouldn't still be that wet. Oh, I know what it is now, never mind.
You need spaces between the paragraph. Even in pieces this short. Paragraphs are needed in every piece of writing.
to your horror you are full of blood! Its all blood!
This doesn't read right to me. ARE FULL OF BLOOD. I suggest you rewrite this. You could even cut it out. You say in the next lines 'You're covered in blood.' You don't want to say the same thing twice.
Your covered from head to toe, and even worse your tub is full of three more dead men. Your should be -- you're -- Why not cut the word - more -? It's confusing. More? These are the first mentioned.
You fall on the ground floor
She walks over and drags you to the tub and your in with three other men.
Should be-- you're -- for [you ' are in with---- you're in with] ----You didn't say if she put him into the tub. Is she that strong? he didn't resist at all? --- Cut the words, three other men. The readers already know there are three men there. Just say, in the tub with the others--- something like that.
but you way too tired you're
purple silk bathrobe and heals clutching a knife should be heels
Your still alive, but you have lost so much blood Try this to remember this word -
YOU ARE STILL ALIVE -- is the same as --YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.-- YOUR KNIFE -- YOUR TUB -- YOUR LIFE If you can say it like this, you are, then it is you're. If you can't say it with 'are' YOU ARE TUB - NO, IT IS YOUR.
I hope this helps, I remember how confusing same sounding words are.
Minutes pass but the seem like hours {c;red}
they
through you house taking anything
your
and as the stabs you for the last time she she stabs
This is a good horror scene. You have described it well. These short scenes are wonderful practice, we all do them.
This is a comment for you to think about.
If the men were just killed, they wouldn't be smelling yet. It adds horror to the story though.
Please let me know when you've revised this, I will come back to read it again.
This now reads fast and easy, no bumps ---smooth.
Wow! I'm so proud of what you've done here!
It makes it all worth it to know the feedback was used and it was successful. Thank you.
A couple more things only, you missed them. That's okay though. I gave you a lot to do!
Your sure you're alone, or are you? Are those really footsteps You're
At the time I did'nt think much of
didn't
I twisted around so fast I could gotten whiplash.
I suggested something else yesterday, but I think if you just said, -- I could've gotten whiplash.-- it would work too. And the tone would match the rest of the story. But, you DO need something here to complete the thought.
You have done a fantastic job of revising this! Let me know if you work on it more, I will come back.
Your first item posted and read, and it was good! I liked it.
I read it in the voice of Mickey Spillane, you probably don't know who he was, but it worked for me. The story was intense and scary. You did a good job with it.
The scene of the lights was as clear as a picture. You going to be good with descriptions. Keep practicing.
A suggestion; but that wasn’t the worst of it. when I got to the light switch I realized it had been turned on. to tell you the truth, at that time I didn’t think much of it,
This part doesn't do much for the story, you could cut it and you would have a tighter story.
Your sure you're alone, but still you're not. Word is ' you're' ---
This needs to be a little more clear. still you're not sure [if you're alone?] or you're sure you're alone [ but you're not?] Work with the words a little, and make it clear so the readers can keep reading without stumbling.
I twisted around so fast I could HAVE gotten whiplash. but nothing was thereThis is a good picture! Good choice of words too. They 'show' the readers his actions and his fear very well! Good job!
I turned back around and started walking faster. I suggest cutting these bolded words to avoid telling too much. You could say, I walked faster. It's simple and clear. Tight.
I dropped my books and sprinted
I can feel the tension and fear the character feels. Good.
I lurk in the shadows and wait for somebody to come visit me in the shadow.
You've done a good job on the ending but if you cut these bolded words, it will be stronger. You have to be careful not to use the same words too close together. Cutting these will avoid the second use of shadow. Read it aloud. I think you'll agree it's stronger.
These are my opinions only. Feedback is an attempt to help the author, it's your story. You don't have to change anything.
You need to go into EDIT and space between each paragraph. The page will look better and be easier to read. Very important.
While you're doing that, look for beginning words of sentences, make sure they are capitalized. I saw some that weren't. I believe if you continue to work on this, it will be very good. It has a good plot line.
This is written well, and I can see the scene clearly, I just can't see what's happening.
Is this one of those 'guess what the story is about' games? I could make a guess, but there isn't enough to go on.
Why is Paul terrified? Why is James dazed, when just before he was proud?
and then placed stick of gum in
A missing word here
Write on, and have fun with it. Enjoy the site, there is much to do.
This is nice, I enjoyed reading it. You have some good lines.
I left my past behind
In that old house on the corner
All my memories gone
With the wind that blows by
These are very good. I love the image of the old house on the corner.
I'm not going to advise you on rhythm or rhyme, the poets will do that. I noticed some bumps in the flow, but the emotion and thoughts of this are beautiful.
I visited your port to read but found this poll instead. An interesting question, is it for an article.
I noticed a spelling error that I'm sure you'll appreciate being told of. I know I would be if something had been posted two years with a misspelling.
The people who consider erotica art are offended if people masterbate while reading their work
I didn't take the poll because I don't know if I'm educated highly enough. The requirements don't specify clearly. I do have a question of my own though.
It's about the question above, with the spelling error. How do the authors discover this is being done, and so become offended? Do the readers really tell them?! No!
A good poll, but it's probably one of those unanswerable questions. There's sure a lot of them going around lately.
I guess I should review this again for the record.
There is nothing more to be said, I said it all before, it's good, and realistic. True to life.
I've found no typos this time through, and the story remains good. You didn't mess it up by rewriting it. Sometimes, rewriting removes the emotion, the life that lives in the bad grammar.
I mulled it over back in my head for awhile, looked her dead in the eye, and decided not to tell her the truth,
I absolutely love this line! I can see this clearly.
Wonderful!
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