Hello,
I found your story on Request a Review page.
This is an exciting, action-packed, intense work. It's easy to read and moves fast. I enjoyed it very much. You're a good writer!
Most of the suggestions I have are my opinion only, as one of your readers.
This first suggestion is not my opinion and it isn't a choice for the writer if he wants to be read on Writing.Com.
If the work, especially long works like this, does not have white space between the paragraphs, it just will not be read as often or as throughly as the author might like. That's a fact.
Have you read pieces this size on a monitor or paper without spaces? Does it make your head hurt?
Linda didn't even think about it any more. It was too painful. She'd been so instrumental in the destruction of Tim's mind that she just couldn't think of him. But she could never completely get away. Every time she looked into her son’s eyes, Tim Sharpel was there. Staring straight back at her. Asking her if it was worth it. Just so that they could get their
This is giving a contradictory message. The reasoning is clear though. Just adding a word would help avoid contradictions. She tried not to think of him is the true message you're going for.
'Everything?' What did he mean by that? Using italics for thoughts keeps them separated from spoken words. They help the readers.
Linda carefully raised her gun and made her way to the window, looking out.
Before she could check how far up the chain had come from, she heard a sound behind her
I have not had the training this character has and I would not do this. If the window is open, it should be obvious the intruder is inside the room, not outside. This is a big bump.
It was open, the curtain flapping in the cold wind, and as she’d feared, a thin but strong chain hanging down… that scratched the Overseer theory. Her former colleagues would never use such primitive equipment, preferring their own blend of nylon and aluminum fibre ropes.
This image is not clear enough. Is the chain hanging from the roof? Hanging across the window sill to the floor? How can someone climb up a chain that isn't hooked to something above?
“It’s okay sweetie, just…” she tried to reply, but the mercenary was on the move again. This time, Linda leaped after This is my opinion only, but these words are not logical. Run! Hide! Something. I understand keeping a child calm but he's in danger too.
Linda shook her head as she advanced on him. “You f***ing son of a bitch.” She muttered. With that, she lunged
Okay. I know I'm nit-picking here, and this is done all the time in books and the movies. But it annoys the heck out of me. (The pretty girl always goes into the dark basement alone stuff!)
It just does not make sense for her to not allow him to leave this time. It's like revenge is more on her mind than her son's safety. Sure, she's mad, but hey,,,
They were now, back in Benny’s bedroom When did they leave the bedroom? You can cut the comma here too.
the man ran for the open window and leaped out. Linda darted after him, looking out the window to the street below, hearing a desperate scream before seeing the intruder’s body
I suggest cutting the bolded words to avoid repitition and wordiness. They aren't needed for the scene.
The Overseer tilted his head slightly, still staring at her, like a bird sizing up its prey.
“Gratitude… is not your strongest…” he began{c:red
Good! The image of this character is perfect.
“You’ve set yourself up rather well here.” Matthew complimented her, indicating the room and its furnishings. “Love the use of colour. Black and grays can get so tedious after the first few years.”
Good use of 'show not tell'. This shows the setting of the apartment and also shows what they both were used to in the past. Tying them together well. Good job!
Linda laughed as she finished making her coffee and brought it over to the lounge.
Writers tend to be wordy, don't they? We're all learning though. If you cut these bolded words, it would tighten the sentence. Readers don't want to be told the obvious. It's very annoying. she brought her coffee into the lounge. We know she made it, we know she poured it into a cup, and we know she picked the cup up. 
Matthew smiled. “That, my dear, is a piece of news I think is best taken sitting down.” A wonderful last line to keep the readers turning the pages.
Matthew is an ex-overseer but still works for Marcus? Marcus is the head Overseer? These questions are answered in the next chapter?
I like this story a lot. It's interesting and exciting. It held my interest all the way and I would read the rest willingly. You really are a good writer! A bit wordy, but good!
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