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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Jen.

This is so sad, but unfortunately, realistic. I'm sure it will touch some readers very close to home.

This really doesn't read as a poem to me, but it is written well, the feelings come through just fine. The imagery is fair.
I suggest you just keep writing, and practicing. You'll get better.

Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi, Sue.

This is pretty clear and written well. I just have a suggestion to make.

They’re pros, who put that experience to work, for you.
As a business printer for over 50 years, we’ve{.b} taken You mention "they're" and then "we've". I think it would sound better to say "we're" in place of "they're". It would stay consistent. and one other thing; You may want to insert the company name in here again, maybe in place of "They're". Coming like it does right after the comments of "the other guys", it sounds like the "other" guys may be the pros.

Click here learn more about NEBS A word is missing between the bolded words.

It's a pretty catchy sales pitch.

Well done!

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Review of Mirror Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Shadow.

You have a good beginning story here, I enjoyed reading it and I see good potential. You can make this into something to be proud of.

I could see your scenes pretty well, and they will get better with practice. I like the character, she is an innocent who will never quite grow up. She reminds me of Alice in Wonderland.

You could add in more details, such as why does she sigh when she looks into the mirror? remember, if you mention something happening, you must provide an answer for it. The readers will want to know. That's what makes a story interesting.

I have highlighted a couple of things for you to work on. Most of it is spelling. Most writing programs have a spellchecker built in their tools. You need to remember to use. If you don't have one, there is one in your port, but you will need a dictionary because it won't correct them for you.

I usually don't correct spelling either, but I will this time so you can get on with writing your story.

When I got to the door of my appartmentapartment

Call me Mirror Boy." I suggest you change his name. Names are important, and this one is not good. Use your imagination or just give him a princely sounding name.

My expirience experience

I sighed beccause because

then I relised realized -- American spelling, England may spell it --realised--So the right spelling just depends on where you live sometimes.
firealarm. two words -- fire alarm

I got a frantic, and burst into the hallway with the mirror. This sentence doesn't sound right. Try to rewrite it clearer. Maybe, 'I became frantic, and burst... I got isn't correct grammar, it never works.

after me being in the city Another one that doesn't sound right. Try something like, 'after I was in the city... me being is the grammar thing again.

You have a wonderful start here, I hope you continue to work on it and make it perfect! You can you know, just keep writing and revising. Everytime you read it you will think of a way to say something better.

I like the ending too. The way they go to a city instead of to his castle. You used your imagination here and didn't follow the standard fairytale endings. Good job! Very creative!

Would you let me know when you've worked on this some more? I would like to keep up with this one, and see where you take it. It's interesting.

Well done!

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Review of Fast Money  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I found this story on "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

This is a wonderfully written story. It is tense and gripping. The characters are well done, and I can see the scenes clearly.

Any questions I had in the beginning were answered later. I found no confusing areas. You are a good writer and I enjoyed this story very much.

I found a few typos for you here. I tried to copy two sentences so you could find the area easier.

the other members fanned out over the floor, keeping tract of the customers and the two guards. Stevie Boy kept his eyes on Anne as she moved with the others. He tried track

older than 18. Stevie Boy felt his stomach churn, felt his face get hot and images of his brother doing his job flicker in front of his eyes. I think 'flickered' works better here.

They emerged from the ally as the robbers were being taken into custody. The officer held a brief conversation with one of his superiors, then led them over to the comic spelling - alley

down and wrapper her arms around him. He squeezed back in response, and whispered his apology and reformation in her ear. typo - wrapped

You need to place spaces between the paragraphs. This is a long piece and I hesitated reading it because it lacked spaces. A reader must look away from the screen periodically to rest their eyes, without spaces it is easy to lose the place. Many will give up.

The plot, characters, resolution are all done well. As you read through this again though, you will always find areas to revise to make it a tighter piece. It will only get better.

Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)

Diane,
These are all such good, funny stories. I have enjoyed all that I've read.

Pita never did show you to the writing room did she?
lol

I have a question,

I had a story to share and I couldn’t wait to hear what people thought about it. She exited the room and saw a sign at the far end of the hall that said Writing. Filled with excitement, I knew I was finally home.
The use of 'she' startled me. Who is this?

Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello, nikolaibard.

This is a good scene, the imagery is good.

The first few lines are done well to catch the readers attention right away. This is too short to know the direction of the plot, but it seems to agree with the brief description.

The storyline is basic, no new ideas yet. Maybe the next chap. will be more creative and give the reader something new to think about.

I found a formatting issue. Sometimes, when you paste your work, it loses some of its formatting. It's always a good idea to open the item and read it right away so it can be fixed before readers find it.

flutter in the elven defender?s stomach. He wore heavy chain armor, possibly dwarven

begun their forbidden friendship?

Dawn was far off when Lissiromel va?Symbelin
As you can see, the question mark took over for the apostrophy.

Lissiromel remembered the night so many years before when they had first met and begun their forbidden friendship?

Dawn was far off when Lissiromel va?Symbelin, youngest of the daughters of the elf-
I didn't realize this was a flashback at first, so it was confusing. I think the transition in the past needs a little work to make it smoother and more clear.

You are a good writer, I don't anything wrong with the style or tone. Your words make sense and this is interesting. It will be a good story if you can keep the excitement up, the emotions.

The rate is because it is the beginning, and just shows a scene.

Well done,

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Review of Cold Blooded  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Gail,

I found this on the request a review page.

This is written well, I found only one typo for you.
It was pleasant to read, entertaining.

The ending was not a surprise to me though, I knew what to expect. Perhaps it was the brief description that gave it away.

I can see this gathered together with many more short shorts into a book. It is good enough to be published. I would buy a book of short shorts with a variety of work.

He shooke her body typo

Well done!

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Review of Coffee Gone Cold  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

This is wonderful!

What a writer you are!

This is written well with no errors that I could find.

I found only one line that may need a word to make it complete, but you decide.

Rigidly he turned, long strides out of the room

'with' long strides, he walked, he left, ??? something.

Other than that, it's perfect to me.
Well done!


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Review of Moonlight Beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Oh my, this is so good!

A great piece of writing. I enjoyed reading this, it is beautiful.

You have a talent meant to be shared with the world, I hope you're looking into publishing.

Well done!


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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

hello again,

I saw this on the Review Rendezvous forum and decided to read it since I enjoyed your other piece so much.

This is written clearly and concisely. Nothing confusing here. It was very interesting to me. The essay could have any major city substituted for London, and read the same. It is the same all over the world.

Inserting a bit about Shamsu, made this a bit more personal to the readers, more interesting. A good idea.

I noticed you posted the work into the forum, are you have trouble with bitem links? Use the squiggley parentheses located between the letter P and enter key. like this, {bitem:846704} You will get this,

 Urban Decay (revised) Open in new Window. (13+)
A reflection of London life
#846704 by SHIMONKANE Author IconMail Icon


Also, you made a new item of this. You have one with reviews in your port. Your reviews are going to be spread across two now. You could just edit the original. Do you know how? Just open the item, and click EDIT.

Please ask if you have any questions, we're here to help new members get acquainted with the site.

You have done well with this, I will visit your port again.

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Review of Can I Go Too  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Val,

I like this, it's cute. This little boy seems way too good to be true. Whoever he belongs to is very privileged.

I read through this twice nad noticed some things that seems a bit off to me. Just because it's two years old doesn't mean you don't want to work on it, does it? I hope not.

This reads simply and clearly, it would be good for a children's book. Nothing to confuse them here.

I have highlighted a couple of things for you to consider.

Five year old Steven Baker was so happy to finally be heading off to school. He had been looking forward to going for the very first time.

Steven was starting kindergarten this year. It was something he had looked forward to for a very long time.
If you begun the para. with 'Steven was,,,' I believe it would kick it off smoother. Cutting the first two sentences is only cutting the same infor that is given in the following lines. There is no need to say this two or three times.

do with out him at home without

time "can I go too" He wished that a question mark is needed isn't it?

he could take his little sister to his school but he knew she wasn't quite old enough to be in school yet. This sentence could be rewritten to be smoother if you could remove one of the 'school'. The word is used quite a bit.

He said he couldn't do it without her and she was happy that he cared. Steven said This read a little odd, but it may be exactly as you intended. SHE was happy that HE cared. But it doesn't say that SHE said that. He is talking, should it be, HE was happy that SHE cared?

He told her she knew what he liked and
she'd know just what to do.
This line just needs
to be lined up right. This is the way it appears on screen.

When the first day of school finally came Steven
Something I noticed beginning in this paragraph, you are a poet aren't you? There were words scattered through that rhymed.
alone --comb ,lunch-bunch, good-bye - sigh, neat-eat, lid-hid. It's okay, it lends a little fun for kids. had you noticed it? is it the subconscious?

This is well done, and I enjoyed it a lot.


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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi, Gloria Lilli.

I read this once before, and I see you've been working on it, so I wanted too see what you've done.

You have made some changes and added a character, but there is still some work to be done.

I have highlighted some for you;

You still need to add spaces between the paragraphs. You will find it will look much better. Readers will find it easier to read too.

gave us the approvel paper A typo. You've spelled it correctly in above sentence.

a ride that might take us through dark. The words are little confusing. Can you say, 'through the night'? and have the same meaning?

should also mention that we had along with Donna and I a young women in her 20s named Robin Try cutting the words in bold, and using simply, 'us'.
I as an 8 year Above, you were nine years old.

If you take it I was not a big fan of Robins you are right Speaking asides to the readers is usually difficult. You could cut the words in bold for a smoother read.

If we had we would have tried harder to get a ride all the way through there. Is something missing in the story? Did you turn down a few rides? How could you have tried 'harder'?

This is an interesting event, It still makes me nervous for two young ones to do this, but it is written well.

If you had a couple of incidents happen you could add them to make more interest, or tension, depending on the incidents.

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Review of The Golden Door  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Bill,

Finally, I took the time to read this again. Sorry it took so long.

I read this with my attention only on the areas of my previous comments. I like the changes you've made.

I found no new bumps and that's a good thing. Usually while revising one thing, a new problem will jump in. At least in mine that's the way it goes.

I am glad to raise my rate on this. Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Brokenangel.

Welcome to Writing.Com, you're going to love it!

You have written a beautiful piece. I enjoyed reading it very much.

spends its childhood as a fat little caterpillar that spends every waking hour eating
And when the butterfly is willing, it will test its new wings. It is a leap of faith. These lines are wonderful!

I found nothing wrong with this, maybe a couple of too short sentences, but they didn't hinder at all. As you blend this prologue into a longer piece, they will be fine.

This is very well written!

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Review of The Golden Door  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Bill,

I found this on the Review Request page.

It's a good story, well written, a good character, and one not so good. I could see Brodrick physically, but actually, he didn't seem so bad to me. He seemed to be his job. You need to make him more evil I think.

The many tests Duncan went through because of Brodrick would do it, but they were passed over so quickly they left no impression.

A couple of things here,
he ripped the membrane open, bent low, and entered the other world. great imagery!
to become a shadow of shadows. a shadow among shadows? This line was a little distracting. Trying to visualize a shadow of shadows proved impossible.

Evening light sent long shadows into the rose garden. The pseudo-perspective of the room had been chosen to produce surroundings of restful security, but Duncan knew it for what it really was -- a prison.

The door slid open, admitting the tall, bone-skinny project manager wearing the forked-lighting insignia of PSI Branch. “Ah, Duncan, there you are. I thought I might find you here.”

“I come here often to ---- It is the only room left to me that isn’t filled with little cameras and hidden microphones.”

Brodrick ignored his complaint. “It is beautiful here, isn’t it? The roses smell fantastic.” Is this garden actually a walled room?

“Get out! Get out!” someone shouted. “My God, there everywhere!” spelling

Like switching off a light, the snakes vanished, and the wall went completely blank.
This line ended a very tense paragraph. At this point, I was glad he discovered an exit. Good! You have built up a readers sympathy for this character well.

. Without hesitating, he ripped the membrane open, bent low, and entered the other world
Without hesitating, Duncan stepped into the wall and disappeared. Like switching off a light

I am assuming the first and second lines pertain to the same time of entering, yet the first shows an action where the second doesn't. Shouldn't they be the same? Or is the action only after he enters? No, he must enter it at once at the wall. So, the action would have to appear in both lines, I believe.

The great lizard positioned itself flat upon the ground, laid its giant head between its front legs There was little challenge here, he gave up without a fight, almost too easy and a let down for a reader who was looking for action.

The first switchback caused confusion because I wasn't aware of it, I read the lines several times trying to grasp what was happening. Maybe if you italized the new world text to alert the reader of a difference, they could slip in and out as easily as you want them to. Even being aware, the second switch had to be read a couple of times.

This caused tension as I read it, I felt sorry for the character and laughed as the snakes ran loose. I thought, serves them right! Good!

I don't know if this helps at all, I can only try. I liked the story and enjoyed reading it.


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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Mario,

This is pretty good. I've learned something about sonaphobia. You have had some terrible dreams.

You have listed this under short story, so I expected a story. You know, a beginning and end? I believe this is more of an essay. You are talking about a condition you have experienced. You may want to change the genre.

Place a clean space between the paragraphs. You have some, but not enough. You don't need the dashes between the paras. take them out.

As you look over other writings on the site, you will see how they do it. The page will look better and it will be easier to read.

This needs smoothing out to read better, when you proofread, pay attention to the way the words flow. If they don't flow but instead sound choppy, you'll need to change a word or two.

was bombed to death as a result.
I don't know if you'll be able to change this, since you're repeating what you were told. But, this sentence is confusing. bombed to death as a result of what? His dying? Or result of the same war? I know the answer, but it needs to be written clearly.

until he left my body weeping. another area of confusion. He left, leaving your body weeping? Or, weeping, he left?

The place was entirely desolated. Are you sure this is the word you intended? It doesn't sound desolated. It sounds beautiful. Did you mean deserted?

I fell down to the earth below me, hoping that gravity shall always be. I like this sentence! But, I don't understand it. From where did you fall? From a standing position, down to your knees? Or from above the ground? You don't say, and if you bring it up, you need to explain.

The Catholic church sure is rich! I don't believe this is a dream segment, but it reads as one to me. Can you rewrite this paragraph to make it clear it is not a dream?

I would look at the swallowing sky, I like this sentence, great imagery!

This is a fine draft, I suggest you don't quit working on it. There are always ways to improve a writing. Expand in some areas to make it more interesting, give the readers some visuals so they can see what you saw. You say you were afraid, but it didn't seem so to me. I felt no fear. Think back, remember how you felt while in the fear, then write it. Make the readers feel it too. This would be very good with more life to it. Emotion equals life.

Keep writing,

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Review of Sweet Nothings  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Kitti,

Wow! This is so good!

You've showed the conflicting emotions very well. I bet this is your favorite genre to write in, you're so good at it.

There isn't a lot of work to do on this, just a few things, in my opinion.

You need to look at the sentences begining with 'I'. Try to rewrite a few of them to begin with a different word. I stare --I glance --I climb--, They are so close together they cause distraction. You really don't want the reader to 'notice' any particular words, you want them engrossed in the story itself.

with my bare feet hanging out of the window enjoying the bath of air it was receiving, 'It was' is the wrong word. Both feet would be 'they were', wouldn't it?

happened to ether of us before… Spelling is off.

This one is good, the more you work on it, the better it will become. Find an emotional contest, you would have a good shot with this one.

Well done!



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Review of Just a thought  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Scarlett, welcome to Writing.Com

This is a very good piece of writing here!

It seems to be straight from the heart. The tone is honest. I liked it. You seem to have a talent for writing, I look forward to reading some of your other work.
cant When you go into edit to work on this item, check the apostrophies. I believe you lost
some of them when you pasted from your writing program. It happens to me all the time.

Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello, Hermanator
Welcome to Writing.Com If you have any questions about navigating, just ask!

I enjoyed reading your Bio. I am curious though, about which genre you like to write in. I'll keep checking your port to catch your first, or next, posting.

I noticed a misspelled word you might like to fix,
fortunantly = fortunately

Welcome!


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Review of The Upright Piano  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dottie,

This is wonderful, I enjoyed reading it. You used imagery well and I was able to see these events as they happened.

I was a little saddened by the piano being traded off though. You did a good job getting this reader to love the piano too.

Well done,

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Review of Crickets  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi irishgal, Welcome to Writing.Com

I like this story!
You will soon learn, if you write more memory stories, I will be there to read them.

The content is good, it is understandable, and makes sense. I believe you may have listed under the wrong genre though, this isn't fiction is it? It's also under experience and biograpical, so it isn't fiction. Go to the FAQ page in the menu at the top middle of the screen. Between the black lines. You will find an explanation of genres that is a great help.

You need to place spaces between the paragraphs. Your page will look more professional, and it will be easier on your readers eyes. After awhile of reading on a monitor, we need a break in the text.

This needs a good deal of tightening, by that I mean take out all the extra words you can. I noticed a few like, 'had' 'and' 'that', words that don't help the story along, but hold it back. For instance;

and the stars were just beginning to twinkle and the moon was You don't need the 'and' or the 'just'. Read without using them and see how it sounds to you. It should be crisper, tighter.

I remember lying in bed at night and wishing that the cricket that had made his home in the corner of my room would disappear. You can cut this 'and'--'had' I would try to cut a few of 'that' also, when you can.

prevented me form sleeping well a typo
city much larger than the sleepy little suburb that I grew up in. A little awkward. If you cut the last word, 'in', and rewrote the sentence, I think you will an improvment. A suggestion only, ',,,little suburb where I grew up.'

One of the hardest adjustments that I had to make after I got there was You could rewrite, 'adjustments I made was,,' taking out 'that' 'had' 'got'. Extra words. Wordy. It is my downfall, that's why I see it in anothers work. I'm working on the same thing.

You have written this very well. Now, working on the technicalities begin. You're half-way there. Read your feedback, pay attention to it, but don't change a thing if you feel it would ruin the tone you want in your writing. Write to please yourself, always; unless you're getting paid of course.
A good tool for finding extra words, and uneven sentences is reading your work. Print it out if you can, reading from paper sounds different, it really does. Little things jump out at you more clearly.

You did well!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

These pictures are wonderful! If I had to choose a favorite it would be the Entrance, but the 'Another View' is running a close second.

It looks like a wonderfully relaxing place to wander and watch the butterflies.

You and your husband did a great job on it.

I didn't know these pics were here, and I have no idea how I found them. I must've clicked on a link somewhere.

I saw the two champions jumping a fence too. Another good picture!

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Review of The Plunger  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Line9,

I've read this story before! You must have deleted the first version. Why?

This is entertaining as a family memory, and I enjoyed reading it again.

To be entertaining to the public though, you have to be sure the reader gets what you are trying to say. The best way is to read it aloud as an outsider. Take yourself out of it and pretend you didn't write it. You may have to let it sit for a few weeks to be able to do that.

I found a few issues for you to consider,

stuck to the ceiling for unrecorded time Unrecorded doesn't seem to be the right word. Perhaps, 'an unknown amount of time', would work, Do you think so?

there were no soft landings abound I don't understand what you mean by 'abound' You may want to check this and maybe revise a little.

I am referred to as Blob to my siblings Do you mean, 'by my siblings'?

understood how to not "blob" on someone I don't understand what is meant here by 'blob'. You may want to make it clearer.

Mary was the one I imagine in regards to the story Are you saying 'Mary was the one I think of when I remember the story'? The sentence is a little awkward to me, it may just be me, so don't change anything if you like the way it sounds!

cushions were removed from under her and perhaps not even an option. an option? If it were an option, she would have chosen to leave them there. The word 'perhaps' is what makes this sentence confusing.

when you are small, everything is larger and higher than it seems. A great truth here, good line!

siblings found a way to entertain them that themselves
the same sip code or Did you mean to say 'zip code'?

Reading your work aloud is so important and so easy. proofreading for typos is not the same as reading to be sure it reads smoothly and makes sense.

This doesn't seem to have changed from the first version. I didn't list all these issues the first time, but they were there.

You don't have to delete to edit you know. If you have any questions, please ask.

Keep writing!


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1399
1399
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello Serena, welcome to Writing.Com

If you have any questions, just ask. We're here to help. "Noticing Newbies" Open in new Window.

This is your outline? This seems to be a great plot, interesting and tension bound, with a lot of different ways to take the reader. I think I will like this story, let me know when you've finished and I will read it, okay?

Be sure and write your scenes clearly, so the reader can see what's happening and you should do well. You have a good imagination and a talent. You can become a good writer with lots of everday practice, and lots of reading.

One thing to check before you begin, are both the parents deceased? You mention the step-father still being in the home. Make sure everything fits.

I'm looking forward to reading this, Keep writing!

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1400
1400
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Dan!

This was on the Public Review page so I decided to read it. I loved it. My favorite genre, memories.

I found nothing for you to edit, but I may have missed it. This reads so well I enjoyed it to the end.

Well done!

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