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Oh, I can see right now I'm going to enjoy your work!
This piece is written well, it reads fast with no bumps or jolts. I was beginning to think I wasn't going to find anything wrong to point out to you, but I did find a typo.
dependantdependent We all make them, don't let it worry you.
Brings me tears of happines
You have written a piece all writers can relate to, I enjoyed reading it.
Well done!
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This could be interesting, it has a lot of good writing in it, and some good ideas. It does need some work though, to clear up some issues.
I suggest you change your Brief Description to tell a little of the story. You have written Prologue on your story page. Telling a reader twice isn't necessary, and most would like to know a little of the story before opening it. At least I do.
You need to add more spaces. Some of the paras. are too long.
The entire galaxy was under her control. Her entire life's purpose was fulfilled I suggest cutting the second use of 'entire', it repeats too closely. The sentence reads fine without it.
girl raised her head and look out the glass. The last shred of sunlight was barely visible through the window. She bowed her head once more and realizing looked -----realized
Her legs had cramped from strain of sitting from the strain --would sound better.
raised her head and look out the glass raised her head and gazed Repeating too closely. Maybe she raised her eyes and gazed at the ceiling?
metal platted floor Do you mean plated? I don't understand the use of platted.
and yet the both seemed to agree to tell the haunting story about deep depression. A bitter, malicious 'the' isn't the correct word here. I believe it is a typo. They?
A bitter, malicious harmony rang forth from the battlements of the castle perfectly in tune with in its partsI thought soldiers were making this noise, but an explanation is never given. What does this line mean?
The dreadful melody that resounded from the inside the walls came from the woman’s own A word is missing here.
The dreadful melody that resounded from the inside the walls came from the woman’s own tormented soul.This is hard to decipher. The melody resounds from the walls, but is coming from the woman? You may want to reword this for clarity. It may 'seem' to come from her.
Pulling her pitch black hair from her face as the menacing moment passed, she opened You may want to explain why she considered this a 'menacing moment'. I don't get it.
How long has she held all this power? It couldn't have been long because she is young. How long has she known power wasn't enough?
She needed love.
She stumbled and leaned against a pillar stopping only for a moment to catch her breath. Her breath came out in ragged gasps. She struggled to think about what to do and where she was going.
She progressed down into the hall in a drunken sort of daze brought on only by tears and deep miseryThis sounds very dramatic. Where are all her servants? Clue the reader in on some of the reasons for her stumbling. Later, she is very hot. Why? Is she ill? You could throw a few hints in here to keep a reader interested without giving away the story I believe.
ingrained on our conscious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser or force us into foolishness and Do you perhaps mean 'subconscious mind' here? {/c]
The following is the story of my life, the story of Kyra Amane Leone Rene Triast, Empress of Kirasha and Queen of Alimara."
She smiled weakly at the thought and prepared her mind for the deluge of memories it would undergo while she slept. She fell asleep with that single thought at the forefront of her brain.
"From these times, we learn to love life or to hate it."Are these all her thoughts? Even 'the following is the story of my life'? Isn't this character Kyra?
had a plan to bring her from her pain and infamy. It knew what must be done. It knew the truth. Is infamy the word you meant? It doesn't seem to fit.
Why did she fall asleep in the year 3915 and wake up in 3920? This is confusing. Maybe the first chapter will explain some this.
Kyra groaned as she unknowingly punched a code into a number pad near a door that led to the most important Was she not aware she was doing this?
There are so many questions left here. I know it is only a prologue, but I think it needs a little more info given. These questions aren't the kind that make me eager to read the rest of the book, and they should.
If the answers can't be given here, the statements causing the questions should perhaps be left for the story itself, not placed in the prologue.
It may be the wide jump in the timeline that is causing the confusion. You're trying to get too much in a little space.
In any case, it is written well, not enough technical issues to worry about. I'm sure you will continue to work on it and make it shine.
You are a good writer.
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You have a good idea for a story here.
Honestly though, the way it is written now is confusing. I can't tell the timeline for one thing.
It begins with hearing the song for the first time, then quickly goes into years(?) later. Most of story details are missing.
This is listed as a short story, so my review will be on that genre.
If you use this as the outline and begin writing from it, you could make it better. Take things one at a time, in order, and make it a complete story, it will be good.
the first para. is good, and made me want to read more.
The third para. sounds like Carla left before the first song came out, is this what happened?
Show more of the things that happened. The scene of destroying the cd's would be good; anger, action!
Why would he go back to Carla? There must be a story there, details.
You don't need the brackets.
This is incomplete as it is, but it could definitely be completed into a good story. It has potential.
Keep writing!
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I like your poem, it is written well. You have some good imagery here,
This imagery though, I don't understand.
Smile, let me see your teeth
The mask that helps you hide your grief.
The smile line doesn't sound as smooth as the rest of the poem, teeth throws it off for me.
The mask line doesn't seem to make sense. The narrator is the grieving one, not the other.
The lines read and flow well, except for these two.
Well done!
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This is very good, but you know that already. It is interesting and is a fast read. Which to me means it has fast action, with no slow, hard to get through parts.
The imagery puts the reader in the middle of the action. The emotion of fear is felt, along with the sand. Very good job.
I found a couple of typos for you,
Grinning at other man, Kyle answered, “Uh, huh.” A word seems to be missing here.
colonize this barren rock, I'll nver understand."
No light can escape the coverings." The sergeant snapped. "Let's go tell the colonel and the others he's called in to parlay." This reads as if the light is inside and not allowed to escape. The light is outside and not allowed to enter.
as he placed his wet shirt over his upper body I am a little puzzled here. Upper body? Did he simply put his wet shirt back on? Or wrap it around his neck? Or what?
This is well written and the action was realistic. I enjoyed it very much.
This is well written and I enjoyed reading it. The imagery was pretty good, but there isn't enough to see the scene well. See if you can add more to really show this off.
The only confusion I feel is, who is the narrator? I can't figure it out, and I think it is important for the reader to know in this one.
No misspelled words that I could find. You did a great job of proofreading!
I liked this one, it is well written and emotional. It deals with real life and your points are well made.
My personal opinion as a reader is, I believe it would be better if there were some way you could add humor. Laughter carries a lot of weight, so to speak.
Since so many can relate to this, and it is serious, you also need to balance with a bit of fun.
A couple of spelling issues,
taletail
skinny think in daisy thing
I have rated an average because though it reads well, it is bland. It needs a little spice.
This was exciting, tense, scary, all that stuff. Well written.
I found no technical issues or errors for you to fix. The ending was a shock, well done.
Your decriptive words were fantasic, I could see this clearly, and you fooled me.
Welcome to the site and be sure and visit the forum here. "Noticing Newbies" [13+] by The StoryMistress A warm welcome to our newbies; come meet new and not-so-new members of Writing.Com! and plug this one
I like this story, it's funny and it's true.
It is written in a conversational style that shows the scenes well.
I could see you doing all that work!
I have a couple of suggestion for you to consider.
and even that, just for enjoyment with the help of mother. Even then my mom was expecting that I would I would take out one of these uses of 'even'. they are so close together they draw the readers attention, you don't want that to happen. You want the reader to read the story and not notice anything unusual in the words.
On reaching the kitchen because that was where my mother was calling from, I was I would take out the bolded section. It reads awkwardly and you don't need it for the story. The reader can figure this out for himself. which was on coming SaturdayThis reads awkwardly too. Reword it. "which was on this coming Saturday'? Does that sound better to you?
pizza, custard and jelly Do you mean 'jello'?
You need to put a couple more spaces in here to separate the paragraphs. the page will look better.
You've done good here. With a little revising and removing a word or two, this will be better. It was fun to read and the humor came through well. I liked it.
This is written well, the theme is clear and the emotions come through good. I could see the scene in the classroom very well. It was the best part.
This is not actually a story though. It has a beginning, but not a conclusion. It is a very good journal written by the character. That's okay, it is good.
Now that we haven’t been doing anything but watch TV, somebody starts crying. watching
If you want this to be a story, you need to get some characters to interact with each other, instead of narrating in a journalistic style. The theme is interesting. It could be an emotional story if it had all the elements of fiction, and ended with a conclusion.
The storyline is a popular one, and I like happy endings. This is good.
I had a couple of reactions as a reader though, just me.
Lindsey slowly moved her eyes over the broad I know sudden attractions happen, but this one seems lightning fast! What about a little time to build up to it?
changing a tire!” She retortedAgain, unreasonable reaction. I would guess she is angry because of her own feelings toward him, but does she have to react this violently?
The words flowed well and it was easy to read. It is a beautiful poem. You have it listed under short stories but I think it is more of a poem, or prose.
You do need to fix the format, it is difficult to read the way it's placed on the page. If you go into edit, you can do that easily.
a couple of typos and a question.
For years I watched him go. I
old age of
fiveHow could he watch for years when he is only five years old?
deep within my minde.mind
man now mearely flesh merely
I liked this very much, it has mystery and tension well done.
I do have a couple of suggestions for you,
She felt something cover her mouthThis lost me, as a reader. She was up and aware, how could he come in without her hearing him?
Not long after his heavy footsteps faded, a door openedI think this needs some more detail right in here. How did Anna know where she was? Let the reader in on that secret. This is a little too pat. Too quick. Draw it out more, make the reader be on pins and needles for a few minutes. This is a wonderful opportunity for increasing tension in the reader.
This is good, and written well. The rating is because it doesn't feel finished. You have left something out.
You have written a very heartfelt letter here. You stated your thoughts clearly and concisely.
I found no technical issues for you. You proofread good.
I suggest that you place spaces between the paragraphs to make the page look better. Readers are more apt to read it too, without large blocks of text.
Hi again, I wanted to read the next chapter to see what happens next. This story is raising my curiosity, so it must be a good storyline, right?
The same problem is in this one as in the prologue. You're "telling" rather than "showing". It's not easy to do and it takes a lot of practice and reading. When you read a good book pay close attention to how they show the scenes.
I have a couple of suggestions for you,
The brown-headed boy waited behind the oak tree at the agreed time This is the wrong word. It wasn't agreed. It was requested by him, wished by him. Describing by saying "brown-headed boy" isn't good, IMO. The reader won't care what his hair color is, really. As they get to know him through his personality, his actions and his thoughts, they will picture him in their minds eye.
Your seacrit admiror.” There is no need to correct the spelling in the letter. Most readers will understand it is written by a boy with little education.
The brown-headed boy Starting with this para., I wonder if you allowed the readers inside his head to hear his thoughts as she approached, wouldn't the descriptions of his feelings show better? It is so difficult to show emotion without using the character.
Who is the main character? At first I thought it was going to be Lanka, but Benge is the dominate in this chapter. You're going to have to show more of Lanka and her personality. I'm having a hard time seeing her. Knowing her thoughts as she is angry and beating the dummy, and as she knocks Benge to the ground would help show here.
He felt horrible for lying to the Brother about falling from the tree, but he wouldn’t dare let Lanka get into Instead of telling the reader how he feels, why not use some dialogue between him and the Brother? Show his feelings that way, using his words and guilt feelings for lying.
Considering Lanka's personality, I can't figure out why Benge cares for her so much. I don't like her. If she has another side, nicer, you should show that too. Is it because she is supposed to be pretty?
Again, the story content is good. I see no problems there.
You have a good theme here, and the beginning of a good outline. It isn't a story yet, but it will be if you want to work on it.
You have a good imagination, so you're on your way.
Here are a couple of suggestions for you.
Sheets of rain hit the road like rocks had been thrown from the sky.This metaphor just
doesn't give the imagery you're going for, to me. Search your thoughts and find something better.
wish to be out with her friends than here with her grandparents. You need to add a word here, perhaps "rather" than?
So they’re about fifteen miles away, when the car swerves to the right and crashes head on into a telephone pole. Rachel wakes up to find her mother unconscious, but alive. Again she drifts off in her thoughts, that life was going to be shorter now and this time it was her life. She sits alone waiting for the unthinkable. She prays that her mother Where is her fear? Excitement? she is just sitting there drifting off into her own thoughts? Pretty tame. this won't hold a reader's interest long. You could describe the swerving back and forth, the ultimate crash, the noise, screams, glass broken, sudden quietness. Give it some movement, action.
to everyone passing by There were other people on the road all this time? And Rachel hadn't tried to stop anyone? I imagined there was no traffic at all.
I don't think I like Rachel, she's cold hearted. If you want the reader to have sympathy for this main character, you better develop her a better personality.
passing by the to him the one person who could help the least was the only one that would. He had nothing and knew of nothing that he could do for them. So to his last idea he had made his choice. This paragraph reads awkwardly. read it aloud to yourself, you will find the problems. I don't understand it. Rewrite for clarity.
Rachel’s mind then went blank and the world around her disappeared. Why? What happened to her now? If this is a delayed reaction from the wreak, go back and fill in some details to lead the reader where you want them to go.
On the road she described to her mother the dream she had.
She warned her mother to slow down so nothing that happened in her dream would become reality.Dialogue here would show the reader instead of telling. It would greatly improve the story. You've got a tense situation here. Make it good and tense by the words of their conversation.
This dream was the last of all and she was glad, but the next night became worse than any bad dream. She found herself in dead space and she was left all alone. A light then appeared and a smooth voice slowly whispered her name. A figure then I can't tell if she's dreaming. There needs to be a transition between scenes. Was the visit to Grandfather a dream too?
I can see what you're trying to do, and it will be good, but you need to work on it. Make sure the scene is clear to the readers. A little mystery left for the reader to figure out is okay and good, but this is too much.. It is confusing.
Maybe if the actual wreak took place the second day, after telling her mother of her dream and after visiting with Grandparents. It would make sense then.
Read and see how other writers deal with this and practice a lot. You'll get there!
Hope this helps a little,
I think all of us can relate to this article. You've written your thoughts clearly and they are easy to understand. I enjoyed reading this, you write very well.
I found a few issues for you,
graduated and sent out one CV. Does this have a full name you could use? I don't know what you are referring to, although I can guess, but I could be wrong. Found a job in less than two weeksthis is an incomplete sentence. It doesn't have a subject.
mile in the poring rain after a two Is this UK spelling? I'm not sure. It is usually spelled "pouring".
incorporating marking and PR duties into the position. The company ran into trouble. another unknown usage of a word.
live in Chicago for year. A word is left out.
The content is interesting to read and I enjoyed it. It shows frustration, jealously, hope and dreams in a clear concise manner. The few issues I found did not hinder the work at all.
You have written a very emotional story here. It reads smoothly and easy. I do have a question at the end for you.
I found some typos for you.
unending flow of visable sorrow
She could here his tear
searching her blank eyes withThe word "blank" confused me. It isn't right. She is full of emotion, pain, anger, etc. Her eyes would not be blank.
but also liberation. She had finally stood her ground and told him how she felt. She was elated yet shattered I think a little background on this relationship may be useful here. Why did she feel liberated? Finally standing her ground means he must be very strict, overbearing. I liked her until this part. I feel she is being cruel to treat him like this at this time. With more background on him, I may feel differently. Which character do you want the readers to feel sympathy for?
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com, you're going to love it, I promise! Have you visited here yet? "Noticing Newbies"
This is a well thought-out, well written essay. It was
an enjoyable read. You've made some good points in this that I agree with.
The imagery of the scene in the store is fantastic! I've seen those kids myself. Good job there.
The words flow well, it's easy to read.
The style is conversational. I like it. You did a good job at catching the reader in quickly and keeping him there to the end, which, by the way is a great ending line!
I can't decide if I hear a touch of humor or satire, but it made me smile.
I found quite a few typos for you, they caused no problem in reading but they were distracting.
The can't turn off their electronic umbilical
I rememebr walking through the grocery store, wishing I was home. I looked up in time tosee comming to take me away
Unfortunatly, (or fortunatly recieving that rose
must have heard more then the compliment
I truly enjoyed reading this, it is written well and the words flow. It is interesting and realistic.
It may repeat some things a tad too much in places, you could take out some of the more wordier sections that don't actually move the story, but it still reads well.
I found some issues for you, listed below.
This is a personal observation only. I know that people of this era deplored credit. They wouldn't use it except under dire conditions. Yet, Claude used credit for groceries when he had money in his pocket. This isn't realistic to me. I think he would have paid for it. Some of his money would have been in his pocket.
Rose placed the warm food on the table and took her seat while Claude washed his hands in the water pan and joined her at the table I've heard this called the "wash pan", but not the water pan. Is this a regional name?
Even with all the tragedies and disappointments of their life’s together, they never lost their love and respect for one another. Rose loved Claude for the kindness and patients he had always given her. And he loved her for her values and commitments to patience---lives
Ella, the cow, was standing in the corner of the stall and rasps a low moo as Claude entered the barn. He sat the lantern on a timber and threw a few racks of straw into the feeder. Ella wasted no time showing she was ready for the evening snack. I think removing these words would help keep the words flowing. they aren't necessary, because the next words identify her.
By the time Claude made his way back to the house, Rose had finished the kitchen cleaning and was in the bed. He added a few pieces of coal to the Warm Morning heater and blew Naming the heater again could be distracting to the story. It puts more importance on it than necessary. You named it above, you shouldn't again. These are called "extra words". They do nothing for the forward movement of the story.
How are you feeling this morning?” he asked concernedly.
“Much better, ” Rose said. “I guess I was just feeling a little tired last night “Now you need to get up, breakfast is getting cold.” I know what you mean here, but I can't find this word in my dictionary. You'll have to use concerned, anxiously, or something else.
The church parking lot was empty except for the preacher’s 1929 Chevrolet Imperial when they finally left the building. The snow was falling heavily and Rose tucked her Are you very sure of this? You know it was called an Imperial? Is it a sedan or van type? I'm asking because I don't know for sure; I've not heard of this one, nor has my resident car buff, but you will get a reader who does know. You want to be correct.
Claude stared blankly at the preacher without responding. They lead led him silently to the car.
“It’s going to be alright! She’s gone to a better place!” Claude heard voices in the crowd saying, but it was like a blur to him.
The first quilt she made hang loosely on the rack. She was so proud of that quilt, he recalled. Then he noticed the picture Rose’s father took of them on their wedding day setting on the dresser, and burst into tears. He closed hung
Rose!” Claude screamed. With tears were pouring down his face, he reached out and an extra word?
You have a talent for writing, and I look forward to more of these kinds of stories.
I truly enjoyed reading this, it is written well and the words flow. It is interesting and realistic.
It may repeat some things a tad too much in places, you could take out some of the more wordier sections that don't actually move the story, but it still reads well.
I found some issues for you, listed below.
This is a personal observation only. I know that people of this era deplored credit. They wouldn't use it except under dire conditions. Yet, Claude used credit for groceries when he had money in his pocket. This isn't realistic to me. I think he would have paid for it. Some of his money would have been in his pocket.
Rose placed the warm food on the table and took her seat while Claude washed his hands in the water pan and joined her at the table I've heard this called the "wash pan", but not the water pan. Is this a regional name?
Even with all the tragedies and disappointments of their life’s together, they never lost their love and respect for one another. Rose loved Claude for the kindness and patients he had always given her. And he loved her for her values and commitments to patience---lives
Ella, the cow, was standing in the corner of the stall and rasps a low moo as Claude entered the barn. He sat the lantern on a timber and threw a few racks of straw into the feeder. Ella wasted no time showing she was ready for the evening snack. I think removing these words would help keep the words flowing. they aren't necessary, because the next words identify her.
By the time Claude made his way back to the house, Rose had finished the kitchen cleaning and was in the bed. He added a few pieces of coal to the Warm Morning heater and blew Naming the heater again could be distracting to the story. It puts more importance on it than necessary. You named it above, you shouldn't again. These are called "extra words". They do nothing for the forward movement of the story.
How are you feeling this morning?” he asked concernedly.
“Much better, ” Rose said. “I guess I was just feeling a little tired last night “Now you need to get up, breakfast is getting cold.” I know what you mean here, but I can't find this word in my dictionary. You'll have to use concerned, anxiously, or something else.
The church parking lot was empty except for the preacher’s 1929 Chevrolet Imperial when they finally left the building. The snow was falling heavily and Rose tucked her Are you very sure of this? You know it was called an Imperial? Is it a sedan or van type? I'm asking because I don't know for sure; I've not heard of this one, nor has my resident car buff, but you will get a reader who does know. You want to be correct.
Claude stared blankly at the preacher without responding. They leadled him silently to the car.
“It’s going to be alright! She’s gone to a better place!” Claude heard voices in the crowd saying, but it was like a blur to him.
The first quilt she made hang loosely on the rack. She was so proud of that quilt, he recalled. Then he noticed the picture Rose’s father took of them on their wedding day setting on the dresser, and burst into tears. He closed hung
Rose!” Claude screamed. With tears were pouring down his face, he reached out and an extra word?
You have a talent for writing, and I look forward to more of these kinds of stories.
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