This is a wonderful memory! It is well written and well told.
The writing is clear, with no confusing bumps, it shows the scene well. I found no issues for you.
I could feel the emotion in this one.
hello,
I liked this, it reads well and is interesting.
You do need to place blank lines between paras. though. It makes it easier on the readers, and the page looks better.
a few issues for you to check and edit, if you wish.
while the smellof smoke and coffee saturates my clothing.
don’t know your name you don’t know theirs. needs either punctuation or 'and' to bring the thoughts together.
This is a great line! It tells a lot about the people. to pick up our inhibitions at the door. The goodbyes of tonight lay silent on the floor waiting
to roll around with
This is so funny! I laughed tears. I suspect I liked it so well because the descriptions you did so well placed me at the scene. You did a wonderful job!
the line re: two-year-olds dragging their feet is one of the best.
I found one word that may or may not be wrong. He may have been wondering too, but I think you meant wandered
vendor that often wondered off to look down the front
I found no spelling issues, no confusing areas, just plain good reading.
Wow! I think you have a talent to write. This is very good!
I could feel the sadness and emotion of the character well.
Your descriptions were good too, the scene is clear. I hope to be able to read the rest when it's up.
There are numerous spelling issues throughout this, do you use Word? It is usually pretty good about finding them as you write. You could use its spell checker before you paste, and always do a proofread. You can catch most issues yourself.
Hello,
First, I am not a poet, so I'm not qualified to critique this. But I am one of your readers.
I enjoyed this piece until I came to the end, there I became confused by what the words were saying.
Unless I'm wrong, Grandma and child were together in this morning ritual. Right?
Every sunrise, drink in the morning hues;
thank God for the life He’d blessed us with.
Grandma felt no pleasure in this, or saw no beauty? Wasn't she teaching the child?
pleasures only a child can feel,
beauty only inexperienced eyes can behold.
Sounds like Grandma knew the meaning of life, and tried to teach it They say we learn to live as we grow older.
Nay, rather, we forget the meaning of life itself.
It may be forgotten by some in the growing and middle years, but is remembered again in the later years.
You did well writing this, as poetry it is good. The message seems to contradict itself, but it seems that poetry follows its own rules.
I enjoyed reading this, you write good. I could see the characters well, I don't like him, and she is too timid.
You have good imagery too, I could see the scene clearly. The dialogue is believable
Readers will catch anything that doesn't ring true, for instance; the egg scene is a mighty block for me.
Carla stirred the eggs = scambled eggs flipped the eggs over = overeasy eggs
his eggs sunny side up, = not stirred or turned.
Unless you make them differently than I do. lol
You have said 'across the room' twice, very close together. It is a distraction for the reader. See if you can eliminate the first instance.
He spit the coffee out across the room.
He slung his mug across the room,
Blank lines between paragraphs helps the readers and makes the piece look better.
You don't need to use all capitals for emphasis, your choice of words will show the emotions.
My overall reaction to this is it's good, I like it.
Well done,
This is funny and very well written! I enjoyed it a lot. I like the casual style of real experience, it usually reads so well.
I found nothing technically wrong with this, other reviewers may though.
it's been awhile since I read one of your stories.
This is one I would gladly pay for. I enjoyed every word. It read well and was entertaining. The imagery was perfect, I laughed and I liked the characters, you introduced them well.
The beginning caught me up right away, and the ending was satisfying.
I like your story, it is told in a logical way, start to finish.
You have quite a bit of short, blocky sentences. As you proofread this out loud, pay attention to how it sounds to you. You will notice some sentences that would be improved by using a comma instead of a period,thus combining two.
I don't understand the last sentence. That is something I cannot do. Is he saying he must not escape the shadows?
Perhaps you could could make the exact meaning clearer. something or some thought seems to be missing.
This is a great concept, and with a little more work, it can be a very solid, emotional story.
This is a great story, I liked it very much! It is very funny.
Your title and opening lines are a good hook, and it read smoothly most of the way, until I would come upon a mispelled word. They always become stumbling blocks in an otherwise good piece.
You need to proofread slowly before posting, on a printed copy, not on the monitor.
hands soar with tension do you mean sore?
The idea is great and once it is fixed up and polished, get it out on the review forums and call in the readers.
What a wonderful tale! It's very unique, good job!
You do descriptions beautifully, it was quite a trip down the road, I liked it. The storyline is creative and very interesting. Nothing boring or childlike here.
The only issues I found were mainly typos, easy fixes. Some of grammar.
In your brief description,
this is a beginign of a novel called 'The beginning
These are thoughts,,,really realising it was there= they were there
into a rather long a wiry beard. =take out the a in front of wiry beard
Hugo ‘your not a Thought.’ you're not
other uncomfortable for a few moments uncomfortably
I love the idea of a Thought Book! I know someone touched mine!
thought that u were just a small Thoughtyou
And her continued to scamper on. he continued
This sentence doesn't read smoothly, eyes open, mouth open. If you rewrote it, using a different description of surprise for the eyes, I think it would work better. His eyes were wide open, and his mouth hung open.
defiantly Hugo? definitely
they became closer and closer.came
I enjoyed reading this very much, it's great! It would be fun for kids and storytellers.
I like this very much. I felt the tension and fear, you've chosen your words well. It is a very descriptive poem, and true to a child's feelings of the dark.
In your Brief Description you have this typo, but she knows (their) there waiting on her.- they're
This is difficult to review, I assume it's non- fiction? Fiction is easier for me. How can a person review personal thoughts?
It is written thoughtfully with a few technical issues, which are listed below for you to check.
If this were fiction, I would say that it seems the parent is having too hard a time with empty nesting, and needs to find something to do.
The letter reads as if the parent needs more help here than the child. Your entire life I've tried to help you find this day easily.
You've written this as if you'll never see the child again. I hope that isn't true, I hope he just grew up and moved out of the house, which is a natural thing to do.
I should be so lucky. Mine are out now, but read my Empty Nest in my port.
This is why personal feelings are hard to review, I don't mean to be insensitive, but when you post an item, it will be reviewed.
some issues; as you read through them, you will find the errors.
The we also know.
it is our priveledge
compassion thaat started
destructive surse to
Take love when it' offered.
every thing
Hi,
What a good story! It is interesting and reads well all the way through. The descriptions are wonderful, both emotion and physical. The scene was clear.
This is very creative and unique, and I would read it again, I liked it.
A couple of issues I found for you,
Bentl cautiouslyapproach the thicket
Read this sentence, it doesn't read right. Bentl watched as the two walk away and disappear in the bush.
I read this story with enjoyment. It was so well written.
It began very well, I knew I would like it from the opening lines. The story is complete, with no unanswered questions. It read smoothly.
It ended perfectly.
The characters were introduced so well, I could see them clearly, good descriptive work and good imagery.
I see a good talent here, glad to have you aboard. You're going to love it.
Well done
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