I like this story, it is good. It is written well and reads smoothly.
It captured my attention and held it all the way to the end. I became a little confused at one point but read my way out of it. lol I had to keep in mind this is fantasy and anything may happen. You write well.
I found a couple of issues for you,
behind her scarcely pointed ears. scarcely doesn't seem to be the right word here. Maybe slightly would work better?
when she insisted the leave that night. typo
The wind dashed around her body, bringing to that place and binding her there again. It held her so tightly, as if to remind A word seems to be missing here
It is finished. You know, there is a time in every good story, when you can go no further. You have come to that place, in my opinion. There is no way to make this better. Unless you continue it.
This is so real, the emotions, the imagery. Wow!
I enjoyed reading every bit of it. The first line caught me in well.
You have a couple of punctuation typos here, The words “cant, wont, or never” to her meant it
It's been awhile since I read any of your items, I saw this on the public review page and grabbed the opportunity.
I loved it. It reads so easily and the humor is so naturally done. I think you must not have to work at or think about your writing at all! You just let it come flowing out!
I wish I had your talent.
This is a great story, well written and very well described. I could see the scene clearly.
You did well. I found no issues for you to fix except for one.
You need to insert space between the paragraphs to break up the large blocks of text. It is easier on your readers eyes and the page looks better.
I sure wish I had found out why he wore his hat, though!
This is some story, the ending is very good, and a great surprise!
The beginning is a good catch, it caused me to read on. This read well, with no confusing areas. The story is very imaginative.
You do have too many misspelled words, but as you proofread to edit this, you will find most everything.
I have listed a few for you,
He made bucking sounds Did you mean 'clucking'?
leaving Jimmy stood alone in the woodchips of standing
see him lose his bottle now did you mean 'battle'?
The four boys were stood at the gate watching standing
a bottomless pit by a thin by and his arms were aching. I don't know what you meant to say here.
profuse sweating, he could release his grip -couldn't
You told a good, interesting story. It has tension and conflict.
Well done,
This is a great descriptive writing piece. You did very good with the descriptions. I could see and feel the storm well.
The story though, the content needs work. This is listed under personal, and I don't usually review personals, because, well they are personal thoughts that no one should review.
This is here and I read it so I will try. I have listed a few issues for you to consider if you wish. You don't have to change anything.
I really can't tell what the message is, where you were trying to go with this. I see no theme except for the storm. There is so much description and so little content.
The reader is given no answers as to why the character is suffering a haunted heart; per the brief description.
he turns his body to block the awful sounds, but it moves across the plainDoes his body move across the plain? I suggest you rewrite this for clarity.
that is empty from ripping away everything he hold dear, all his sanctuaries uprooted and thrown to the raging storm, its watery walls and winds of hatred breaking all walls. He felt a silver tear slip down his face, seeming to freeze as it traces where countless have before.This is confusing. You can't feel if the tear is silver, you can only see that. The second bold area--freeze as countless others have "frozen" before? Rewrite for clarity. Be very clear.
Please try not to be offended by the rate, which is only half a point below average. A C- Not a bad rate considering the number of writers on the site.
I am only trying to help. If you can, print out your work and read it. You will be better able to see how it sounds to others.
I enjoyed this story, it is sweet. It is written well, but I think you need to write more.
It is more of a telling, and for a reader to be able to see clearly you will need to show more. Show some of the character's emotion during this time.
Can you fill in some of the time at grandmother's? Show us how she spent her time?
Everything is bam, bam. Time is moving too fast.
Maybe she cried when she had to move? Do you see?
Was she trembling scared? Kids can relate to moving, and they would have sympathy for her if she showed some emotion.
It's a good, strong story, and will be worth any time you spend on filling in some details.
I enjoyed reading this very much. It is written in an easy, casual style that reads smoothly.
I found no bumps or confusion.
I found a typo'
Anyway, how does one he set the record straight with a child a typo
And a suggestion. When she stopped at the car door she turned around to wait on him; and then she smiled at him I think just saying 'and smiled ' and ending the sentence there, this let this read smoother. The rest of the words are really unecessary for meaning, and makes it a little wordy.
I found one area of distraction with the use of the word succumbed. It doesn't read well. I believe if you found another it would work better.
Mums succumbed to where I pointed,
I didn't feel anything emotional in here though. No feelings came through. Maybe you could work on your descriptions more. Practice showing through description rather than telling.
This one is very good. Very emotionally written. It brought out the emotion in me, as a reader.
This line is the one that hooked me in. Good imagery. Vince closed his eyes and thought of Vietnam, two years of his life It is a very simple line, but it says so much about this character.
This story hit me personally, my youngest brother was in Vietnam, 2 tours. He came home, but very troubled.
This one too, is clearly written. It is like a freewrite. Good practice.
The way you describe your dream, it would make a great story!
There is really not enough text written here for a good review of your writting, but what there is is good. I'm looking forward to reading a story of yours.
This is a great tribute to a good teacher. Good for you to remember.
It is written well, and in an interesting way. It is clear and leaves no questions unanswered. You've done well.
I found one typo for you, Indescribeable.
I enjoyed reading this as it is, it is poetry in the words you chose. Very romatic.
As a short story though, it isn't. I can't tell by the genre listed under just what you intended for it to be. Appendix doesn't tell the reader what it is.
The feeling at the beginning is of a dream state, and some passages are hard to understand. "She' is mentioned, but I don't know who 'she' is.
With these two sentences I feel like you're reaching for a touch of humor, but it doesn't fit with the romatic theme. So I sits, and I thinks. And other times…I just sits.
But all the time I watches and I learns. But still none is there to give to poor little me.
Grammar is off. You need to take out the word 'it'. I don't understand the reference to the sea. You will need to clarify. The sea it moves.
I believe you have used so many metaphors, you have lost the original storyline.
I do understand the meaning and conclusion, which is finding love, but you skipped and left out the story.
It can be either rewritten as poetry, or fill in some details and action for a story. Either way you chose will work. The topic is good, and you're halfway there.
This writing is wonderful! You surely have a talent.
This read well and smoothly. The storyline was entertaining, and I enjoyed it very much. The characters dialogue was realistic.
I only found a couple of issues for you.
“Hi, Sweetie, mind of I sit with you?”
This line would sound a little more natural if you used the contraction it's, instead of it is. In my opinion. It sounds too formal for the situation
“Oh, this is Chai Tea. It is the latest thing you know!”
Thank you for asking me to review your first posted story. I hope you're finding your way around the site okay? Any questions?
I liked this very much, it was interesting and full of tension. The content is good.
It does need some work of course, but you knew that.
You are telling more than showing through most of this. You have some dialogue which improves the 'showing', but very little of it. Mostly it is a story being told by a narrator.
If you could use more dialogue to show the readers more of the personalities of these two characters, it would help. Readers need to become acquainted and care for them. They need to either dislike or like the characters or they won't care for the story.
The action is all narrated. Could you maybe show it through the eyes and language of a soldier? When a soldier is injured for instance? Have them respond with words, shock.
You do have words misspelled that I didn't list because you're still working on it. A spell check will catch them when you're ready.
Some issues for you to check are below.
This sentence reads awkwardly. Make a practice of reading your work aloud, from a printed copy if possible. Make sure it reads smoothly and naturally.
Try taking out the word 'for' to see if that helps.
A weapon, which he had forgotten to check the magazine for and was with out ammunition.
This sentence could be redone to read smoother. for instance, 'There was a single bullet in the chamber, which he used to dispatched one and subdued the other in hand-to-hand combat.
TheirThere was a single bullet in the chamber. From which he dispatched one of the soldiers, and had to subdue the other in hand-to-hand combat.
this sentence could be redone to read smoother. You use which twice in quick succession. Try not to do that. You can make this much simpler and clearer.
Try, 'Hans took his seat by the window which overlooked, etc.' Hans took his seat which rested by a window which overlooked the now Allied Control Ardennes
thrown from with inwithin the forest you have many of these.
rewrite this sentence to make clear exactly what rested five meters into the clearing. Was it the canister or the forest?
A canister was thrown from with in the forest that now rested five meters into the clearing from which separates the forest and the village
way of singlingsignaling all forces to move in
where sitting ducks out here.” - we're
Keep moving, where almost there.” - we're
This reads awkwardly. private whose name Patrick did not know may work better.
Yet another private that the name of Patrick did not know also fell to the floor, clutching at his stomach that cried out blood and other
He said quietly to him selfhimself “Nine more to go.”
He leaped out of the oncoming boragebarrage as chunks of frozen
and feel upward a few additional stairs - fell
the same faitfate to him as he -
as the GermanyGerman fired again
on the floor, alive, but barleybarely Unecessary words. body ached is enough. Take out 'all over.'
Hans body ached with pain all over.
This word doesn't sound right. Maybe just conscience would work?
{c}conscientious, his very being slipping away -
last task to duedo before he ceased
You have some great sentences in here, This is my favorite. It says so much. There was just nothingness. Total, and absolute nothingness.
I listed the spelling words that spell check won't catch.
I do read this genre, and enjoy it because I love history. I like the way you have shown both sides. That is very creative. I see a good story here when its finished.
There are forums that specialize in longer work, you could check them out and receive more help. Here is one that I happen to know of, but there are others.
emma,
welcome to writing, you're going to love it here.
This is a very well written piece. I enjoyed reading it very much.
You're right, the storyline became lost, but oh my, the descriptions, they are so good!
As far as getting your thoughts down before you lose them, that's the way to learn to write. You must.
I would like to see this expanded and become a real story. It has so much potential. You have the ability to take it in several directions. I see a talent here, and I'm going to keep an eye on your port.
This is a good beginning. You did good getting the action in right away. It reads well and held the readers attention.
There are a few issues below for you to check.
First, you don't need to write words in capitals, it is distracting to the reader and your choice of words should make the impact you want.
The rest is spelling and typos, but you didn't have many. A good proofread before posting and running your spell check would have caught them.
Jesse replied, with a littletoo much enthusiasm little too
induced by the witeboardwhiteboard
this was accompianiedaccompanied
before he kne what he was doing,knew
Almost quie literally
I enjoyed reading this and will watch for the next chap. to be posted.
Oh my goodness, what a day this character had!
You have quite an imagination, and writer's need it, so you're a step ahead already.
This is a funny, funny story, and when you have it polished and shined it will be very good. Are you ready to go to work on it? Did you know good authors rewrite at least ten times?
First thing you need to do is place blank lines between the paragraphs. It makes reading so much easier, and the page looks more professional.
In this sentence, you are repeating a word unecessarily. I was having trouble sleeping from horrible nightmares that I was having.having
You can rewrite it easily so it reads smoothly. For instance, I was having trouble sleeping because of horrible nightmares.
Try varying the beginning word of each sentence so you don't repeat too close together. So I went to go and get my car keys but it seems like my dog had gotten to them first. So I went to go doesn't sound right. Grammar you know. Try something like, I looked for my car keys,,, You have 'I went to go' several places. They all need rewriting.
Try to find another word for beginning each sentence where you have used So You will find the story reads better. Print it out if you can, and read from the paper copy. It will sound different than on the monitor and you can find areas that need work easier.
I like humor, and this is funny. I hope you work on it enough to place it in some contests. I will watch your port for modification on this one, and will read it again then.
Keep writing!
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