It's a good story and you've done a terrific job of describing the sudden fierceness and noise of a tornado.
There is a lot of different emotions shown. You're pretty good there, too.
The setting and scenes are clear. I can see the trailor and the street scenes well.
This reads fast, kept my interest and the shock value of the tragedies worked! I was shocked!
I have a few suggestions to help make this tighter. You can ignore them if you don't agree, they are only meant to help, not change your story.
She lived in Lincoln, Ohio, a small city of maybe 1,000 people.
This sounds like she lives alone. Changing to She and her family, or something, would fix it.
She had to go to King, which was about two miles away, for anything that she needed
Since this has nothing to do with the story, it could be cut. It is only filler words.
Amanda stared at the kitten a moment. You could almost hear the gears turning in her head. “How about Cali?” Not bad for a ten-year-old brain eh?Whose thoughts are these? Thoughts should be in italics coming clearly from the person thinking them.
She did not have to hear the weather to know the weather was bad This is a little awkward sounding. If you added the word 'report' it would clear it up. weather report.
her hand. Amanda looked at her parents. She had never seen her mother so scared before.
Were they new to this area? This sounds like they'd not ever seen severe weather before.
trailer. As they stood they looking at each other, everything became eerily quiet.
a typo -- there
She lightly pushed him onto the porch, then sat on the couch in her now empty trailer.
Was she in shock? This is an unseemly thing for her to do. It looks like she didn't care about him. ----
Why didn't she run out to find her daughter? She isn't acting in a realistic way.
She sat there only a moment, when she decided to try and clean things up. The character is not acting realistic here. Unless you intended to show the readers this side of her personality. It is contradictory to her gentle actions at the beginning, and her rage at the storm. Maybe this is her true self? Uncaring? I thought it was strange that she used so many curse words, this could explain that.
The ending is okay, a bit dramatic, but surprising.
I thought the story was good up until the character began acting unrealistically. You could work on this and maybe show her as being in shock. That would partially explain her behavior.
Or change her behavior,(I think you should work on this area)
The story itself is good. Keep working on it and it will become great.
This is good. It is well written in clear and concise language, easily understood.
There always has been a perpetual basic need in all of us to be accepted…to be thought of as being normal.
This sentence is good. It is a true statement that none should disagree with. It is the basis of this piece.
But then, I started work with a MNC
I don't know what MNC is referring to. It seems to be a turning point so I think it would be important to use the words or explain what this is. Your reading audience is wide and your goal is for all to understand this piece completely.
I found no errors or typos.
A space between the paragraphs will improve the look.
Grammar, Spelling, etc. (i.e., the Technical Stuff)
Please place spaces between each paragraph. A large block of text is difficult to read. You have one space, but more is needed.
You cannot say non-attachment is non-feeling. You can’t say it’s opposite too.
This word isn't correct. Try using 'either'
Attachment is like the frosting on the cake. In the end, you start loving the frosting than the cake
A word is missing between these two.
Some of the lines are difficult to understand. I've had to read them several times. If readers find the understanding hard they tend to stop reading at that point. Try to make the writing as simple and clear as possible. You know what you mean but readers only know what you wrote. Read it aloud from their eyes.
Content
My first impression of this is confusion. I thought you were going for 'attachments being good', but it's the opposite.
You haven't shown why non-attachment is better. I'm not convinced. If you truly believe this and want to show the readers why it's better, you need to give some examples. The examples you have given show the need for attachments, so it seems to be contradictory.
I believe I know what you're trying to say. We shouldn't be attached to any but God, is that right?
Humans need attachments. The love of God is loving each other. If you have no attachments, you don't have love. (my opinion)
As an essay, this needs more clarity for the readers to stay with the main idea. It becomes convoluted.
If you changed the genre to Opinion, you could leave it as it is.
Grammar, Spelling, etc. (i.e., the Technical Stuff)
I found no errors.
Content
This is a well written story. The scenes are good, placing the readers directly into the setting.
I felt the tenseness and emotions the characters felt.
The main character is well developed and I felt sympathy for them both. I enjoyed reading this very much, it's good.
You have talent and I'll be reading more of your work.
Grammar, Spelling, etc. (i.e., the Technical Stuff)
A fued born of sibling rivalry
This is your Brief Description. Spelling is off, it should be -- feud
stepped aside before he had even finished his question
"I'm coming in." He told me defiantly
Is the question referred to this line? I'm coming in. That isn't a question. You may want to reword one or the other to make them match.
He blurted out, leaving an after taste of metal bitterness in the air. This is good! Wow!
You have indents, and those are great. You also need spaces between each paragraph. Those who spend a lot of time reading and reviewing need the spaces for monitor reading.
Content
I can feel this character's inferiority well.
I can see him clearly. You've done well there.
I don't feel the feud though, since I'm seeing from the narrator's eyes only, and he isn't telling much. I don't think it's important enough to worry about. The inferiority is the theme and it comes across very well.
Though this is written well, it is a rather bland, average read. There is no excitement or anger. No raised voices. No action. The tone is void of all emotion.
If you could work a variety of feelings into this, it would be more interesting. This is a setting down of the facts only. Can you get some life into it?
Well done, and keep practicing!
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It's a good story, I liked it. I have a couple of suggestions for you, but they are the opinion of one reader only. You don't have to change anything if you'd rather not.
Grammar, Spelling, etc. (i.e., the Technical Stuff)
Both girls were excited to go back with their families but each
To 'go back' sounds a bit awkward to me. Try another word such as 'go home' to see if it works better.
They are different than us. It’s just not done.” Marco announced.
The bolded line sounds too adult. Marco is probably close to Lucy's age. I can't hear small children saying this.
{c{blue}but she loves me like ice cream and I’m melting.”
This is cute, and it shows her sadness.
Lucy wanted to stay with her mom. She was too sad.
This doesn't sound quite right with this line. It worked with the other two, but it doesn't fit here.
Mom said, “its time to go mija
This shows how Lucy is different without 'telling'. Good use of words.
Ali was there waiting for Lucy with a smile and a laugh. “I love you like ice cream Lucy, I’m always glad to see you both
You could cut this word in bold. It is an extra that doesn't do anything. You have other unecessary words scattered thoroughout. As you learn to recognize them, you will cut them. Extra words cause a piece to be 'wordy', and you want to avoid wordiness.
“STOP THAT YOU MEAN BOYS. ALI IS MY FRIEND.”
Instead of using all capitals to show anger, use an exclamation point.
And she was big too. The boys didn’t make another sound.
Another good line! It helps the readers visulize Lucy.
Ali reached out and grabbed Lucy and gave her a big hug.
If you cut the bolded words, and used 'giving', you would cut a word, get rid of one use of 'and' and the line would read smoother. Too many 'ands' becomes annoying to readers.
They truly were best friends and they loved each other no matter the differences. these bolded words sound awkward. Maybe using, 'in spite of', or 'even though they were different', or something. You can find a better way of saying the same thing.
They were each a different flavor and their friendship was sweet.You have some great lines all through this piece! This is good!
Content
I liked the story very much. It is written well and it is interesting. Small children should enjoy it.
You have developed the characters sufficiently for the readers to see them clearly. The setting and the scenes can be seen. There is just enough conflict and the resoultion is simple. Children will be able to identify with it.
Grammar, Spelling, etc. (i.e., the Technical Stuff
let me kno spelling typo
Content
This is a good idea, and it would be popular I'm sure.
It's going to be difficult for you to do in this format though. You need a message forum for people to post in. Think about upgrading to at least Basic if you can. You could have two message forums then.
You wrote this a long time ago, didn't you?
Endureviewers are searching them out.
This is a well done article. Many should be able to understand and relate to this problem. It's a real one we may have to deal with someday, if we haven't already.
I found one typo for you so you can edit and get this back out there in the public eye. Aren't you glad?
differently by the doctor would have been able to prevent this unfortunate occurance
a spelling typo
I like it, it is well done. It has a humor kids will understand, the sour juice is a common complaint. They will be able to relate with most of this.
Younger kids also love repetition, repeating the main line is a good hook. I can see them being read this story and each repeating the line, loudly in my house. It's a fun read.
I found no typos or confusion, you've got a good piece here.
Well done!
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I liked this story very much. It feels completed to me. If you change anything you're liable to change the intense emotion felt by the reader. I wouldn't change anything. My opinion.
I found a typo in your brief description.
A man with who seems to have everything abandons it all
with should be cut.
The character and his problem is well defined, the setting is clear and the resolution is satisfactory.
The story is interesting and held my rapt attention all the way. I truly enjoyed reading this one. You're a good writer. This one has been shined and polished enough in my view.
I like this character enough to want to see another installment of his 'new' life. What do you think? You could do several complete shorts and later combine them into a book.
This is good, it's funny and realistic. I enjoyed reading it.
I noticed no typos, except for what I mention below.
This topic is great, I think many will remember these things.
Turn that crap off", I yelled. The stereo went louder and Jen thought well he
I was a bit distracted by the use of 'I' here. It is 'Jen' everywhere else.
A well written, easy to read piece. Entertaining and realistic.
Well done!
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This is a good rendition of the wicked queen. I liked it, it's creative.
It is written well and clearly. No confusion here.
I found a few things for you to consider.
to her by her father, Cliffors
A typo only.
This gift was a very special gift, in which she would never forget: a special expensive Clydesdale pony, which was her dream of possessing one day.
This sentence is a little awkward. Perhaps you could make two of it? It doesn't read smoothly.
About three months after the tragedy of Bersilla's pony dying, You could cut these bolded words. They are extra and will cause your writing to become wordy. the readers know what the tragedy was and don't need to be told again.
Bersilla became angry and distraught, which lead her to her wickedness. should be led.
A good, imaginative story, well done!
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This is good. It reads easy and is understandable.
The format is a bit strange, poetry? You need to identify the genre so you'll receive readers. OTHER is not a genre. You can correct it in EDIT.
To suffer is to live.
Now when I look in the deep darkness of the sky,
The only suggestion I have is to add a line or two between these to explain the change of thoughts. You say 'Now when I look' it would be nice to know what caused the change.
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It's a fun read.