Hi Ken, After reading a few of your poems I know when I open the post to read your work that it will be good. You are not only a talented poet but you have mastered the craft. I'm impressed. I thought Shed No Tears to be very cleverly written and it reminded me of some of the ancient Irish forms that require 3 syllable rhymes. You have a knack for writing fluid lines to include rhyme naturally. I enjoyed reading this.
Wow Teresa this is beautiful. Normally when I review, I break a poem down by its elements, form, poetic devices, syntax etc. But this one touched me with its message of love and that is what I see foremost. I too have a son to be proud of. Not a soldier in our military overseas as yours is. The overseas part has to be hard on you. But mine is a soldier in the streets of So Cal, he is a cop, An investigator on a special task force. He too is a husband and father of 4. I know exactly how you feel. Your love and pride vibrate from this poem.
Oh and as a side note, I liked the Free verse with repeating refrains that punctuate your connection, the holding hands, the blue eyes, the small rock, well woven into the frame. "I thought of someone today," Thank you.
Hi turtlemoon, I didn't really come to review your poem, I came to see what kind of poems were being entered in the recent contest to decide whether or not to enter and if so, what should I enter.
But since I'm here: I'm not on the judging panel so my opinion doesn't count for much but my first reaction to On That Day was ~~sigh~~ then WoW! My next thought was Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner.
Title: Drew me right in, I would have chosen to read this under any circumstance just because of the title.
Imagery: You are an artist. So incredibly clear and yet unique. I was carried away by the beauty of it all.
Rhythm: Fluid lines, soft, smooth word choices to match the scene you were painting.
Overall I have no crit. Just thank you for sharing this.
~~Tink
Weird, there is no star rating for this. This is definitely 5 stars.
Hi Bubble Gum, This was a fun challenge. It is hard to review in a standard way. So in lieu of a standard review please accept my interpretation of your challenge:
Once upon a time there was
a writer of dreams.
Everyday, in everyway,
words would turn to cream.
One day along the Milky Way
gilded scrolls appeared
with names of poets, scribes and hers,
the one lone page lop-eared.
Because of that caveat,
our author honed her craft.
Until finally, with lots of work, not magically,
appeared her book's first draft.
~~Judi Van Gorder
Hi Dave, I happened on this page of Haiku in the Bard contest and if I had been a judge, #3 would have been my 1st place winner over all the others I've read from the contest. But sorry I am not a judge. Here is my review and of course you know, this is just my opinion, accept or discard whatever works or doesn't work for you.
First impression: You had me at "gurgling mountain steam". I was there even though the first image isn't that unique it was so real.
Form: In the moment, 17 syllable or less. All but one on this page are written in the most common pattern of 5/7/5 the exception is #6 short 1 syllable from the max allowed and that is perfectly fine.
Haiku is written in 3 units, the image, an expansion or parallel to the image and finally the twist or Ah ha moment. You clearly understand this process and each haiku reflects the 3 units. Haiku are not normally titled but often numbered. Again, you know your stuffl
Can I suggest you consider numbering for identification purpose if nothing else. I start over at #1 each year and include the year written with the #. As you say, you can't write just one.
Overall Impression: I thoroughly enjoyed reading these haiku.
#1 love the alliteration and the expanded image, L3 "through" felt a little awkward to me and I had to go back a couple of times to understand. If it had been mine, I would probably have said "prism view in haiku" But it isn't mine. ~~smile~~
#2 Love this modern haiku. Winner winner chicken dinner.
#3 Wow, This just trumped #2 for me, a forest blocks my sunrises, "orange marmalade" Yummy image. Blue ribbon.
#4 We are blessed to live in coastal environments where we get to see these things, you in the East me in the West. This was perfect.
#5 I swear I wrote this. I have one somewhere almost the same words. I'll have to look for it. Although I think the chicadas serenaded me.
Yes Jay, You didn't miss a beat. This was fun to read and my favorite kind of love poem. Because that is what this was. Light verse at its best. Woo Woo Woo.
I guess officially since I am in the review window I should break this down. I have no suggestions to improve. Even the title could have different meanings and therefore draw the unsuspecting reader in.
The form was met perfectly, syllable count, rhyme and style.
What I think I liked best about it was the love that shines through. So good. Thanks for the read.
Hi GreyJoey, I am Tinker and I am reviewing your poem Music because I was attracted to "Music is it a poem" in the static items block on the Hub. You are welcome to accept or discard my comments which are simply my opinion.
First Impression: My first read seemed a bit off but then I read your poem out loud and heard the rhythm, which in the first stanza is amazing. It continues throughout but at a lesser degree.
Form: Written in quatrains with no consistent pattern of meter or rhyme scheme. Rhyme is randomly employed both at the end of the line and internally which added interest.
Overall Conclusion: The poem starts out very strong, unique perspective, great rhythm. The 2nd quatrain continues on same plain but the last stanza in my opinion ended weakly. L10 starts out strong but the rhythm seems to stumble in the second hemistich. L11 "highways and byways" a little cliché. L12 confused me.
I liked this poem because it had some surprises and had great sonics.
Hi Dynamic Pencil, Thank you for sharing your cancer story. Normally I review poems, prose is out of my comfort zone but reading your story was comforting. I am currently in my second round with breast cancer, the other was 19 years ago.
I had the surgery, I'm prepped for radiation and just waiting on test results to decide whether or not to go through chemo. It has been much smoother the 2nd time around. I chose to document my journey in haiku and I've written one other poem about the experience. I felt the objective nature of haiku would be my best option to clarify each step I've taken. It actually helped getting through some of the scary parts.
Good luck to you in your recovery. I thought your piece can benefit many that are going through similar experiences. Well done.
Hi Harry, I've reviewed your poem A Husband's Lament and it made me smile. The thoughts expressed here are just my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title: It fit the subject but kind of gave away the twist. The reader knows what's coming.
Structure or form: 18 line poem broken into 2 strophe made up of rhymed couplets. No consistent meter, the rhythm of normal speech. L16 is a little out of sync, if it were mine I'd leave out the "it" after "drag".
Devices, rhyme, repetition etc: using the ellipses in the first 2 lines was effective. Technically in English, rhyme is on the stressed syllable, adding ing to unrhymed stressed syllables does not make them rhyme. ~smile~. But I have to admit, your doing so made the rest of the rhymed couplets less obvious which I liked.
Overall impression: I enjoyed reading this. It was clever.
I 've reviewed your poem Monday and liked it. What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title "Monday" equivalent to the beginning which is totally appropriate. But I'll bet a majority of poets out there have a "Monday" poem in their portfolio. What might be a more unique draw to your poem?
Imagery - this is a telly poem, not much show a lot of tell but its the conversational flow that gives it some of its charm. The one place there is imagery "Then you say, "Hi Margo," " is so clear, the very next line is unnecessary. Of course it all settles down, the image sets that up you don't have to tell us. The last line then brings closure. I like it.
Rhythm The flow of words is smooth and carries the reader day to day.
Structure, Form
Grammar/Punctuation Syntax, punctuation, spelling all spot on.
Theme angst over wanting to be noticed
Overall Impression I enjoyed this poem. It had a good flow and brought a smile to my face.
Hi Harry,
I 've reviewed your poem A Friend No Longer. What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title Aprropriate
Imagery - None This reads like a rhymed letter that is meant for 1 person, the ex friend who has seen all of the pictures of the friendship as well as the break up. The reader has not seen those pictures so is kind of in the position of reading someone's personal mail over their shoulder.
Rhyme, Repetition abab cdcd etc
Rhythm The rhythm is a little erratic, some lines smoother than others, nothing consistent.
Structure, Form Alternating rhymed quatrains.
Theme Resentment
Overall Impression I was disappointed at the lack of imagery that would have helped me empathize. This this poem seemed restrained and I couldn't help wonder at the circumstance the narrator found himself in. Was is a bad marriage in which he felt trapped. Or maybe a work situation where he had to continue working with a coworker who once he had a kinship and now felt some kind of betrayal. No hints were given as to what that betrayal could have been. Overall it wss technically a well written piece.
Hi Craig,
I 've reviewed your poem Looking From Pier and I loved it. What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title Fine or just From the Pier is less telly
Imagery - Yes, Awesome.
Rhythm Great except the word "every" which I think would be more fluid if "all" were substituted. Did I answer your question?
Structure, Form Free Verse and centered on the page. Fits well the content. Normally I don't like centered poems, it looks like the poet is adding a gimmick. But in the case of your poem, it gives the impression of the movement of the water and is right on the mark.
Theme water a metaphor for life
Overall Impression I liked this very much for all of the above reasons. So simple and yet as deep as the sea. Good writing.
Hi Jay,
I 've reviewed "Live to Love". What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title Live to Love is an appropriate title
Imagery Pretty tough to do in 3 syllable lines.
Rhyme, Repetition xaxa xbxb etc done according to form.
Rhythm - Smooth considering the choppy lines.
Structure, Form - You went beyond the criteria for the form and created a chain from the end of L1 of each stanza to the beginning of L1 in the subsequent stanza. Clever and gave the poem interest beyond content.
Theme - Its not enough to just love, one must serve as an expression of that love.
Overall Impression - At first I just thought nice sentiment but after studying the poem more I found the writing clever and interesting. I thought this line awkward. "Fair serve, too." But it is probably the most outstanding, thought provoking line in the poem. The rest of the poem, most of us at least give lip service to, but "fair serve" made me think. Nice write.
Hi,
I 've reviewed your piece, Real Love. What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title - Real Love wouldn't attract me to read your piece it is too ordinary. A more attractive title might be "Love Tears" a little more interesting.
Rhythm = I'm wondering if English is a 2nd language here. L1 "gives" not "give" L2 "longer"
Structure, Form - prose.
Grammar/Punctuation - Punctuation is fine but L1 "God if He" capitalize He when referring to God.
Theme - honest love for a parent
Overall Impression - This was very short with a lovely sentiment. If it were mine I would probably make it even shorter buy making it less telly and repetitious. L2 with joy and gratitude in his eyes, he replied, "To give you a longer life." Your piece made my heart swell.
Hi Rhyssa,
I 've reviewed your poem When the Lights Go Off. What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you choose and discard the rest.
Title - Appropriate and intriguing.
Imagery - Clear imagery from "pulling down lines and pulling up stakes"
"the mélange of magic noise"
"the echo
of calliope screaming"
simile - "we scurry like cockroaches fleeing from light"
"shines fifteen miles then fades out of sight"
"just gloomy cots"
Rhyme, Repetition abcabc defdef ghighi Some alliteration mélange of magic The rhyme was subtle, well done.
Rhythm - the last stanza is awkward the lines don't flow fluidly
Structure, Form - 3 sixains rhymed abcabc etc. no consistent meter
Grammar/Punctuation - no punctuation used. Syntax is smooth until the last stanza and it gets a little confusing.
Theme - Behind the glitz and glamor of the circus, is a more sinister face.
Overall Impression - I thought this was interesting, although it never really showed the fake and the fear.
Hi Maria,
As part of my effort to contribute to the Writing.com community here is my review of your poem "Depression". What I write is simply my observation and opinion. Use whatever you find helpful and discard the rest. I hope you will offer me the same courtesy if you ever run across my work. I always endeavor to improve my writing and feedback from others gives me valuable insight. Thanks.
I've read your poem four times, twice out loud. Here is what I think:
My first impression I love acrostics, I love short poems, I want to review this one.
The tone of your poem was obviously dark, you use heavy words to communicate the emotion. Good word choices.
Form - An Acrostic with the word Depression spelled out which was effectively used. I think by also titling the poem Depression, you are getting a little telly. You don't need to tell us, the reader gets it from the word choices in the poem. If it were mine, I's look for a different title.
The rhythm and flow Well it is free verse with acrostic so it is is smoother in some places more than others.
"procrastination explodes" "sadness is stark raving" were so right on.
Emotion Well that is a given.
Grammar/Punctuation Because of the form, this was not expected.
Poetic Devices the acrostic is really not a form it is a poetic device
Overall Although I am not normally prone to depression, while reading I found myself saying "yes, that is so true".
Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.
~~Tink
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