I honestly identified so much with these 12 lines I
had to wait a few minutes to solidify my thoughts so that I could write to you. The world can be a very difficult place, and it does mash and grind brains until very little is remaining. The last stanza is a bit puzzling, but I think you mean that the world does not care about anything or anybody, and then you have to define world, and so on and on. I like this poem a lot, I like the meter, the form, and the content.
Thanks for sharing it on Writing.com.
All Best,
VerySara
My first impression was one of a pleasant little story about the girls selling nearly worthless things for a good cause, and I knew that someone would come along and give them a lot of money. I could not have predicted that it would be a rock star! I found no typos or errors at all, and the piece reads quite pleasantly. Good job!
All best,
VerySara
This is a beautiful story, making the death of one child and the incaration of another feel as though it were truly an Act of God. Your gentle way with language introduces not only Ramadan but the Quran to many readers. Thank you for writing it, and for sharing it with us at Writing.com.
All Best,
VerySara
This is a sweet poem about the inner need to write, I think. I say sweet, because there is no ranting and raving, no errors, and a rather perfect candence that flows. There is some despair in this poem, too, which may be why I like it, but I think if you continue to write you will find even deeper ways to express youself. I look forward to more of your work.
Peace,
VerySara
The only feedback I can offer is that I think you have done a really good job in defining the characters and the siutation. Now I am eager to read the second chapter! I did pick up a few typos or minor errors"
Paragraph 2:..."bolted down chair with as he..." I think the with can be deleted.
In the paragraph beginning "What is it Karl?" the word "recently" is repeated twice in one sentence and one would suffice.
In the paragrapg beginning "Malere stalked straight toward Burke.." the sentence "...the two of them come
a life in a dance of death..." I am not sure if you mean to say "the two of them came alive" or something else.
In the paragraph beginning "Sadness crept back" there
is..."Mel steadied himself as the rocked..." and it should probably be "he rocked". Just a typo.
Again, I so really like this, and the more often I read through it the more I like it. I hope you post chapter two here on Writing.com. I want to know if
Mal really dies, or disappears, and what Trayk does next. Thanks for writing and sharing this.
All best,
VerySara
This is good writing. I, for some perverted reason, ended up liking Ivan a lot, despite what would ordinarily be taken for his cruelty and murderous disposition. I liked his precision, and the methodical way he approached his "job": assassin. And, he's very good at what he does. And then does not get caught. I really like this story! THe seond time I read it I liked it better than the first. Good work. I hope you will keep writing and sharing with us at Writing.com. I look forward to it!
All best,
VerySara
This is a sensitive and unfortunately very true picture of Africa, or at least parts of it. The first four lines, I think, are very well written, and I like the rhyme of genocide and died. The last two lines, however, give me some problems. The aliteration in the last line is a bit much, and the last two lines seem to me to be totally out of meter and rhythem with the first four. I love your subject matter; Africa is one of the heartbreaks of the world, I think, and I do not know how to solve its problems. I don't think anyone does, and that is even sadder. I love Africe, and lived in North Africe for a couple of years, but did not get to the Sudan, or to other very troubled countries. Your head and heart are in the right place; the last two lines may be an issue for me and for no one else. I hope you will keep writing and sharing your work on writing.com.
All best,
VerySara
This is a well written short story. In very few words (although you might want to watch your use of adjectives) you create believable characters who are in a situation that I could feel. I was drawn in immediately. The narrator and his trying to pass the time (I've worked night shifts), the woman who calls wanting to talk to Betty when she knows Betty does not work that shift, then crisis, the blood, the medics,
and the aftermath when all calms down. It's good. I enjoyed reading it.
There are several typos, I think, but do not change them unless you agree. Near the end of the first part you say "...but five is morning, and the other day, and now it is still night>" I think you might have wanted to say "and another day".
In the next section "I slowly shufle there: not "their".
In the same paragraph, the narrator is not looking into "a men's eyes" but "a man's eyes."
When introducing Chris/Christa you say "she is male to female" which is one way of saying "she is male or female". You may have done this on purpose. It is different usage of language.
And, just out of my own curiousity, why does French seem appropriate when the narator's Spanish is all gone?
Thanks for writing this; I like it a lot. And your writing made me feel as though I were right there in the shelter as the narrator. Your have a good sense of building a character out of a few words.
I see from your bio that you are very busy. It is a wonder you have time to write, but I am very glad that you do. Education is one thing no one can ever take away from you. And you are a traveler too. May your journeys be many, and your adventures numerous. May you also keep sharing your work with us here on writing.com.
All best,
VerySara
Again, I really like your work. I just had to read one more before I'm off to bed. This one is simple, and real, and honest. It is a love poem and it is a religious poem, and I know I am supposed to offer critical support, but I am unable to find anything to criticize. I just hope you keep writing.
I am a displaced East Coaster too )NYC) now in Florida, and after this hurricane season wonder what I have gotten myself into. You are a very busy person;
it's a wonder you have time to write. But I am glad that you do. Don't stop!
Peace,
VerySara
This is pretty well done as a story that is becoming more and more commonplace in this society (at least in America). One little thing: tormoin should be turmoil, I think. It is painful to read in places, you obviously have a gift for expression emotion in a gushful way that conveys the sense of desparation to the reader. Very good. Keep writing! Thanks for sharing this with Writing.com.
Peace,,
VerySara
This is a good way to tell of the terrible pain of a migraine. (I have been to suffer from them in the last two years.) The language seems a bit forced to me and the poem does not flow, but you may have done this purposely because when one has a migraine that is the feeling, nothing is flowing, and everything is out of sync, I commend you for trying to convey this.
And I like the relief you get when it's over. Good job! Keep writing!
All best,
VerySara
This piece gave me chills the first time I read it.
You are telling a commonplace (unfortunately) incident in a compelling way. The form is interesting. I am not sure why you chose to write without conventional punctuation, but it works, somehow, to carry the story forward. Amd your descriptive power shows in the mind of the little boy who has been so cruelly violated.
The entire scene becomes totally believable and the cruelty is thus made more horrible. Congratulations.
You have done a fine piece of work here. Keep writing!
Peace,
VerySara
This is an extremely well=written story. The characters are timely, certainly; but they are also fascinating, and caught up in a fascinating and dangerous situation. The reader, at least this reader, doesn't know the ending until it ends. Would she kill him? Would they make love? What was it that held them together? I was really riveted to the story!
You did a great jo b.
You need to spell check the story for there are several misspellings, but I passed over them in an anxiousness to find out what was going to happen.
Congratulations! I hope to see more of your work!
All best,
VerySara
This is an excellent 5-line poem, and comes right to the point in a charming way. IT is an age-old question revisited, and niely so. Your use of the word "benighted" is perfect here, and I commend you.
Thanks for sharing this poem at Writing.com. Keep writing and keep posting!
All best,
VerySara
This is just great! I laughed all the way through, and believe me, I do not laugh easily. This is very clever, amuzing, and I shall wrack my mind for OJ trivia to see if I can help you out.
TV is really a good place for cultural commentary. You have made something quite good out of what was originally an unpleasant experience (the hospital waiting room). Thanks for sharing this!
All Best,
VerySara
This is a very expressive poem, expressing the disappointment of one unable to express his/her ideas because of censorship by someone or some institution (such as the state). I am impressed with your facility in English, since your bio says you are living in India. Were you educated in the
4th line: interred or interned? On third reading, I see it is interned, impling that the writer has a great deal to learn. Also you use other words that rhyme with interned. A verey good choice. Subtle and
to the point. I'm afraid I have nothing to say that would be of beneficial criticism. I also like the form of the poem, as it is one that is new to me. All I can say is thank you for wtiting this, and Keep Writing!
All best,
VerySara
This is cute, and expresses a feeling we have all had at one time or another. The face that the narrator gets his own dinner in the end makes it wonderful! No self pity there. Then it really doesn't matter whether there is anybody out there or not, does it?
Good job! Keep writing!
All best,
VerySara
The sentiments you express are the sentiments of many, I believe. ALthough I live in Florida now, I lived in Manhattan most of my life, and could feel the feel of it while I was reading this. Your last paragraph is brave, and reflects the bravery of the country. You've done a good job here, a personal one, but the horror of the entire disaster will never be forgotten especially for those of us who love Manhattan best.
Have you thought of being a journalist?
With warm wishes,
VerySara
This is a sweet poem, bittersweet maybe, for the narrator never sees his woman except in his mind.His heart is empty, and yet she sings him lullabyes...how is this possible? I like the way you have three stanzas of eight lines, with each stanza breaking after four lines. It is refreshing to see such poetry after so much free verse lately. If anything I'd suggest you develop a rhyme scheme; it would make the poem stronger, I think. But it's your poem. And it's a good one.
VerySara
Yes, I found this information very useful. Your helps are very informative, and clarify a number of things.
I think I am beginning to learn my way around the site.Thanks
As a "newbie" I am still finding my way around the site and finding it somewhat confusing. I love the interaction available. To me that is the best part!
I would, however, appreciate either a specific place to ask questions of the "staff" or less confusion (maybe the confusion is in my head!). For example, I have been trying to post for two days. Maybe tomorrow I will figure it out. Yes, this is definitely the best writers site I have found.
What a wonderful story! It took me a while to get into it, but once I did I just couldn't stop. You give a reeal feel for the deep south, both back in the old days and now. I was left with a bittersweet feeling of courage, of sorrow, of new ;ife. I can feel the atmosphere of the diner, and of the workplave. Your evocation of these places is very good. You might want to re-edit a little in the first part of the story; there were a couple of places that I thought needed a couple of words taken out. Sorry I cannot remember which ones. You did a really good job of writing this. Keep on goingg! I want to read more of your work.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/verysara/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/18
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 12:13pm on Jul 06, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
