I like this piece a lot! At first I didn't realize who was who, but I did in a short time. I'm not sure that I have any helpful criticism to offer, except maybe for comma here or there. I am sure you will do at least one more edit, so I don't think suggesting them here would do any good. I also love that quote from Hemingway. I shall await the second installment.
Just keep on writing, you are doing fine!
Happy Turkey,
VerySara
This is a very powerful, well-written poem. I like it quite a bit; for the first time I see the possibly
negative the repitition of words. You do it often.
I do it sometimes, and when it is suggested to me that I change it, I don't. Pumping and Shines and laughter.
The first one, pumping -- try it with just one pumping and move angry blood up to fill in the line, and then the next line "Does nothing to fuel my fury."
Another horror...what is the first one?
One "Shines" definitely, and easy on the exclamation marks! (hah hah). I'm really not telling you how to write your poem, but I am trying to share with you some of the many things that I have been criticised for
in past times. Exclamation points are one thing
editors really do not like, and if the poetic line is
strong enough to carry it own (yours definitely is) then you don't need it. The reader will get this point and know that it is important. I could go on and on with examples from this poem, but I think you understand the basic idea. I love the poem, and would like to see it the best possible.
Oddly enough, I just posted a poem about slitting one's
throat, mine written in a completely different style.
I hope you continue writing and continue posting here on Writing.com. I look forward to reading more of your work.
All best, and Happy Turkey!
VerySara
I had a difficult time choosing from the many options in this folder, and I chose to start here because I too paint and draw in charcoal, although my first love is poetry and writing. This is a good poem, no doubt about it. What you are trying to convey, if I understand correctly, is that you are creating the ideal on canvas or paper, but that you will keep in mind that special person who has inspired you. Yet, at the end what you have created is, as you say, your own soul upon canvass. This is a very good insight, I think, into much of the creative process, and it is one way we learn to see what we think. It is an escape and an exploration. I congratulate you for a good, insightful write, and for having the courage and honesty to say what you have said. It is a pleasure to read this.
All best,
VerySara
Quite honestly, this poem has a loneliness and a lost quality that I like very much. I cannot imagine where the writer is -- in jail, in the army, but wherever he or she is, it is definitely a lonely night. The last part reads more like lyrics to a rock song, and many rock songs are good poetry (i.e., Bob Dylan's work). I don't know if you have thought of it in this way or not. The repetition is also a component of rock or songs than poetry. I leave you to work this out. You definitely have a good poem in here. I hope you write more, and keep posting on writing.com.
All best,
VerySara
You have written a very good poem about a very personal and sensitive matter. I'm surprised you could get yourself together to write it, but you may be one of many of us who ise out writing to release our pent up feelings. This poem is very beautiful, very heartfelt. I felt sadness make its way into my
heart as I read it. I must admit I have no critical suggestions for making the poem better. Perhaps others will. I wish you godspeed.
All best,
VerySara
I did enjoy it in the context for which it was written and as a poem, forget it. I don't think anyone on Writing.com (not that I've run into so far anyway) is capable of writing that badly and meaning it. Still, it rhymes, it has a certain shape on the page, there are elements.....FORGET IT. Are you still doing the FROGGY AWARDS thing? I happened onto you port by chance and am not sure where things are at with you because the dates are last year. You are still a functioning writer, I hope, on this site, I hope.
This is a good poem, well-written in the genre of Gothic/Horror. and since I like that genre I like your
poem. I am not sure I think the ellipses ... work better than a comma would, I don't think they detract from the poem either. Maybe no punctuation would work
best except for question marks, and then I think the poem would really flow or slither down the page until
the reader realizes that you are trying to say that the
evil and darkness is within. It's a good poem.
Congratulations!
VerySara
I like this poem a lot, but there is something in
either the rythm or the way you are using the words
which paint a very vivid picture quite well -- anyway there is something that does not rum smooth for me.
I like the last stanza the best. Did you mean for her to sound poor, or grunge or indie?
Also, you use words I am not familiar with, which is fine, I'm always eager to learn, but "hoodie" (#6) is not in my dictionary.I also am not familiar with Croakspeak (#14) but gather the definition from the context. You descriptive gifts are abundant, and you explain just how one can become transfixed while hearing a good poet read. For recreating that I compliment you! For those who do not "get it" about poetry, the experience of going to a reading is here.
This is very good writing! Thanks for posting it.
Best,
VerySara
This is an excellent poem. It just flows on the page, and the images are painful, clear,honest, heart-breaking; I am sure I could think of more adjectives but they would all be superlatives, so I will just figure you know what I mean. Are you submitting your work for publication outside of Writing.com?
Thanks for writing this. I love it!
Hugs,
VerySara
Great idea for a contest, and the explanation of how to post is (I think) clear. I have had many problems with posting, so I think I'll try a new poem and then try to enter it with this system. Recopying things is certainly not the way!
Many thanks,
VerySara
This is a well-written short story, and has a great and colorful, laughable ending. I want to say "onlu in border towns" but know that it happens all over.
Your writing makes it very very real.
Thanks for sharing this on Writing.com.
Best,
VerySara
This is a very good, short poem. Short poems are easy to write, but good short poems take a great deal of work. This one is very good. Congratulations! You did a fine job! It's a pleasure reading your work.
Peace,
VerySara
My initial impression of this story is one of deep sadness. You weave the home life and the lab life together in a somewhat confusing way, and I had to go back and forth to see who was who. Bella and Mark and Sue and Sara, and an unnamed new supervisor. But now I think I finally understand, and the idea that Sara is doing 2 12-hour shifts as a lab rat is what came to me. No wonder she is on Zoloft. You have a good way with dialogue that not only moves the story alone buy keeps it going and reveals a great deal about the characters, without sounding forced. This is good writing! I hope you keep writing, and I hope you keep sharing with us here at Writing.com.
All Best,
VerySara
P.S. I love your name, Epiphyte. I think it's a plant that lives upon other plants, like an orchid, for an example, but when I pronounce it I can easily make it into "Epic Fight." I like it!
This is an interesting read. I'm not Irish, so I don't know about the gift or gab, etc., but I do know that I am an avid reader, and you do have a gift for dialogue.
ANd details. The eating of the cookies. Helping peel the potatoes. And the newspaper, that is a detail that is so dear to my heart and so definitely from a certain time period, and certain people who lived close to the earth. I interpret the story as the l5 year old who is turnng 16 next month is yhr daughter the mother is not going to let go of, and they are exchanging secrets. The mother is not about to let her go. I must tell you I have to other interpretations of this story: one is that the daughter is an unattractive girl, and so her chances of finding a good man are slim; the third one is that the person whois speaking with the mother is gay.
That was my first reading, and I had to go back through it to see if the sex of the younger child was mentioned. I would love to know which interpretation is closest to what your were thinking. If you want to leave it open, that's fine too. But, whatever, you have a real gift for dialogue, and for details that make the story come alive while the conversation moves the story along. This is good writing! I like it.
I plan to read more of your work that is posted.
All bestm
VerySara
I like it, I like it a lot. If you do not usually write poetry, perhaps you should, because in this case if indeed your subconscious led you, I think it is trying to tell you something. Oddly, my only real critisiam is in the first line" I am not sure that
"...daydreamer's sweet innocence" works as a descriptive phrase to contrast with "sinners' blackest ahadows". Something different is needed, and the line should not be quite so long, A horizon steeped "in lava light" confuses me: I don't know if you are talking about volcanos or the lights that were popular in the drugged out 60s and are coming back today.Either way, the phrase doesn't work for me. Last of all, I love the last four lines! Good write!
Peace,
VerySara
I love this! I don't know how I found you tonight but I am sure loving your work. This is perfectional rationally, and as someone who has little or no hope these days (see my poem NO INK, NO HOPE) I would tend to agree. "Everlasting suffering with the absence of God." This is truly something I want to think about.
Every ism there is seems to contain the inherent principles of punishment and reward, but if the position you are proposing were true, then wouldn't, in Yeats' phrase "mere anarchy be loosed upon the world"? Are you not proposing pretty much what the myth of Sissyphus is all about?
Whatever, it is still a good piece of reasoning and writing, and I thank you for posting it. Were you by any chance another whacked-out philosophy major>
I hope you keep writing these pieces and posting them on Writing.com. I bet you get a lot of really interesting replies.
Peace,
VerySara
This is a fine attempt at a satirical view of one's own divided self not on halloween but on many other occasions as well, this one is just topical. I like
it a lot -- you are very good with dialogue -- and the
only thing I can add is that I would have liked to have become more scared. But then the joke was on me, just as it was on the protagonist, so it worked/ Good for you. Keep writing, and keep posting on writing.com.
Best,
VerySara
You've a fun idea here, but the first part really does need more work than I can explain here. All I can say is that it sounds more like the stream of consciousness of a 12-year-old than I think you mean it to. "the returning of _______ to a fetal state andartifical impregnation with her..." I could make no sense of this whatsoever. Also, watch how many times you use freaking. Having said all that, and I hope you have not taken offense, the last part seems to have some descriptive and creative rewards. The experiment is well explained, and the result of the experiment, and yes, it all seems weird, but one has to suspend belief in these types of stories, and Zed's experiement on Charlene then is well within the realm of believability.
You have a real gift for story telling, and I hope you will keep writing and keep posting on Writing.com. I also hope you won't be upset with me, but will understand that I am trying to say that you need to work on this a little more. You're almost there!
All best,
VerySara
I like this poem a lot. I get the impression you are doing a lot of self-questioning as to how far you faith really goes, or in other words, would you be or would you have been willing to acknowledge that Christ is/was God incarnate. These are heavy questions and they probably will plague you at different times throughout your life. I love the complexity of the last stanza, but am not sure how you resolve the dilemma you have posed."Afraid in death to acknowlege Thee"-- why afraid? I've been puzzling over this quite a bit here tonight and wonder still, yet the power of your words is great, and you definitely have a lot of talent for poetry. I congratulate you! I do not need closure as some do, and a bit of mystery is almost enticing. But you probably don't see it that way --or do you?
Peace,
VerySara
WoW! You did a lot of work there, and came up with a very good story. I like the way you sectioned it into parts one, two, three and four. You character development is also very good; you take the character from childhood through his end, and Do it well. Chad Marsden is an interesting character too. Is he the one under the bed? Is he the one on the phone and in bed with Ellen? You deliberately leave these questions unanswered, and that's what makes the story so memorable, so spooky even. Good Job!!! I hope to see more of your work on writing.com.
Best, VerySara
This is a good poem. Not only that, but justice has become one of those indefinable absolutes that are now so tattered and torn and battered and fought over that the situation seems more hopeless now than ever. Neither countries not people can agree on its meaning.
"Is it possible to share variety?" is a good question.
I, sadly, believe that at this point in history the answer is no. But it's also possible that I have been
out of New York City far too long. Thanks for writing this. It is a good serious piece, and I am glad you shared it with us at Writing.com.
Peace,
VerySara
I love this gentle piece as long as I read it as tho Digger is a dog. The only place that confused me is
where he adjusts his fir coat on his back, and the reference to being taught by "Mom and Dad." This is, however, still within the realm of believability, but I cannot understand why such a caring, lobing, dog would end up alone, happy yes, but alone; no warm hearth and loving humans. I have no idea of your intent, of course, but again, if I read it as Digger
being a dog, I really love it. The detail of his eating the mountain potato afater knowing its exact place is just wonderful! And who is this vixen he is waiting to see? You're gone a good job here! Keep writing. You have an especially good eye for detail.
All best,
VerySara
This is a really interesting poem! It makes we wonder, yes, why? I am on the thorn's side. The quote from Milton is very clever and also adds to the rhyme scheme. Did you mean to vary the rhyme scheme? The rose shines for one day, yes, but the thorn is on the rose, and why would a wily hand, as you say, want to pick the thorn only? Maybe I am being picky, or perhaps reading the poem in a way different from the way in which you meant it, but that question does come to my mind. I think it is because I associate roses with thorns,always. This is a very pleasant poem, and asks a lot of questions. Congraulations! Writing in two or more languages in not easy at all!!!
All Best,
VerySara
I like this poem a great deal! Your view of the sea
is a wekk thought out one, I think, and you have expressed it eloquently. Because of the title, the poem can, I think, be read in two different ways: as an affirmation of afterlife or an affirmation of a beautiful (perhaps) life. This is the kind of ambiguity academics argue endlessly about. Good job, Red! I hope to see more of your work on Writing.com.
All best,
VerySara
This is an adorable poem, with a good rhyme scheme, and a lot of meaning hidden among those feathered words. I like and can offer no criticism at all ~
good job!
Best,
VerySara
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