Interesting story. You havae one sentence which is
very awkward, I think: "I recalled that at one time he
formed a gang of sorts, of which every member he held
himself personally responsible for." It's easy
enough to but a semicolon after sorts, and then turn
the other half of the sentence to say "he held himself
personally responsible for every member." Remember this is only one opinion, and there are many others.
And most of all, this is YOUR writing. I can only
try to help and suggest.
I am not sure what you mean when you say "Yet, even though it was in my power, I didn't do any of those
things." Do you mean to imply that the piano
teacher, who has watched this young man grow up,
and thus is considerably older than he, has a gift
of being able to change Jeremiah's past, present and
future? This intrigues me, to say the least.
It's just placed there in one line in the story.
The fact that she choses not to do any of these things,
but she just watches him go could mean many things,
from the piano teacher being a cold-hearted person,
saving her powerful gift for someone else, to the
fact that she just did not care, which is doubtful
from the rest of the story, and I could probably go on
and on with various interpretations. It's a good ending because it makes the reader
think, and I love that in a piece.
Your poetry is so straightforward, much of it is even
joyous, and lilting, once in a while sad, but here we
have a different layer of Pony Tail, one that is
compassionate, and mysterious, and older certainly.
You have many levels, zones, what ever word you chose,
and I'm sure you have more that I have not seen as
yet. This is one good trait for a writer to have,
and you are a writer. No doubt about that!
All best,
VerySara |
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