This is both a beautiful and a lovely poem. It is
smooth to read, and the reader, at least this reader,
feels the wonderful smooth and somewhat rose-tinted
world that the lover walks through after a night in
the beloved's arms. Your rhyme scheme is perfect,
and the poem reads like a dream. The only advice I
have on this one is don't change a word of it!
So will this story do for a good beginning! Your sense of dialogue is good, and your descriptive
detail is great. This makes the reader wonder what
comes next. Do the date, get married and go off into
the sunset? What adventures are in store for them?
She surely greets him with friendliness. I recommend
you extend this one!
I hate to say this, but I don't get it. What are
"dream machines"? What do they have to do with New
Zeland? Is this simply a tale of broken dreams? I
doubt that, or you would not say it was written in New
Zeland.
The writing is good. No doubt about that. You know
how to handle words and make a poem. It's just that
I wonder what you are saying.
Very wondering,
VerySara
The concept of what you are saying here is fine, but
you need to put these words into some kind of poetic
form if you want to call this a poem. You cannot
just have a stream of consciousness going on with a
rhyme here and there. Try not to use cliches -
"put that in your pipe and smoke" for example. You
ideas are fine. But you need to work on your
presentation. There are many articles on WDC that
will provide you with information about this. I
suggest you find and read some of them. Then do some
rewriting. You'll be surprised at what you can do!
Honestly, this sounds like a stream of consciousness
writing, that in some ways is trying to be a poem,
and other ways is just the inner murmuurings of a
seeker. The concept of this self-searching is fine;
it is often done, and often necessary. This at least
deserves to be put in some kind of decent form. I
won't go into spelling and punctuation as you asked
me not to in your email. Keep work on this. You
will get there!
This is one fine poem. There is nothing I could say
or do that would make it any better. It is just
beautiful, loving, and sad at the same time. That's
not an easy thing to do. Congratulations!
Be well,
VerySara
You have the start of a good poem here. You have no
typos or other errors to distract the reader. The
way I read the poem, it might be helpful to put a comma after choke, and the quotation marks from "fire
fuels freedom...revelation". Then a period. Then begin a new sentence with "I knew..." A period or a colom after" saved and a period after today.
I am not faulting for not using punctuation. All I
am saying is that this runs together in such a way
that it takes a few minutes to realize what you are saying. After reading the first line, I thought you
were writing a limerick. Actually, it could be made
into a very clever limerick about the death of God.
Many philosophers would agree with you whole heartedly!
Good luck with this. Remember I am but one reviewer,
and you will get many other comments. After all is
said and done it is YOUR poem, abd you can say whatever you want
Be well,
VerySara
I love this form! And you did well with it. This is
a beautiful love poem, and shows not only your own
self respect but the love you have for and the trust
you have in your lover. Beautiful job!!!
That special person in your life is very special
indeed to have you around and to be able to receive
poems like this one. This is a beautiful expression
of human love, and is perfect for Valentine's Day,
You stay with the rhyme scheme until the last 4 lines,
and then it goes. The meter reads a little off, to me,
but each of us reads differently. All in all, a good
write. With a little work, it could be a Great Poem!
This lovely, inspirational poem appears beautifully
on the page. You put some thought into that presentation. Your meter is fine The addition of
"and so-" just doesn't work for me. You stay with
your rhyme scheme too. All in all, a good write,
but that second stanza really bothers me.
Beautiful work!
This is an excellent attempt at what will become a
5 star poem. Personally, I could in all honesty only
give you 4.5 stars because of the last line. It seems
beyond the pale to me, and I was just getting ready
to say WOW! When I say WOW! it's a 5 star poem to me.
Are there really black roses? I remember about 15 years ago someone developed a black tulip. Doesn't matter. Your first stanza is really beautiful, I think
I'd like to see "glows" maybe for a rhyme in the last
line. Maybe the rose could begin to change color or something and then you'll get into a third stanza.
Remember, this is only one opinion, and you will receive many others. In the end, it is YOUR poem.
Be well, and keep writing!
VerySara
This is an adorable short short story. I think this
could be expanded into a longer piece quite easily if
you are interested in doing that. The core concept
is very good.
You write well, no run on sentences, no structual
errors, and so your presentation is flawless. There
are not even any typos to obstruct the reader's train
of thought.
Good job! Keep writing! And keep posting here on
Writing.com.
You go, girl! Tell that guy where it's at in honest
and open language. Your rhyme scheme is consistent, and the stanzas read smoothly. I love it! I hope he
took heed. It takes a strong woman to write a poem
like this one! Good write?
I like this a lot!!! To write from the journal's
point of view, wondering where you are and waiting
for the ink of your pen to make it whole. Beautiful and inspiring metaphor. You just brought my spirits
up almost 100%. The tree
in the forest aside, the journal cannot live without
the writer, can it? It is obvious. I love this poem!
I love the way you developed it. Good job!
This is an adorable poem! Your rhyme scheme works
(why did you change it in the middle...just for fun?),
and the meter is almost perfect. Most of all, your
point is well made ~ I no longer think that anyone
can know everything. Ken Jennings (on Jeopardy) tried
really hard, but even lost the game eventually.
This poem is well-written, and very good. Your presentation is flawless, and I like the red script
you have chosen. It reinforces the pain that is in
the writer's heart, and longing for someone they
cannot see or hear or touch. Sometimes it is very
difficult to be aggressive, to make the first move;
fear of being rebuked is more than our desire. Or,
perhaps some of us save that fear and turn it into
poetry. Good write!!!
All best,
VerySara {e:image:938377
This is a beautiful poem, with a very different way
of using sleep and waking and the metaphor of sleep
as death. You word usage is strikingly different,
and I compliment you highly. There is nothing fear-filled about this poem, it just seems to me a quiet
sleep into death. "Where are your fireworks now?" is
really a brilliant line. Or rather a good line,
brilliantly used. Either way, congratulations. You
have done a very good job here!
This is a good attempt at what I believe is going to be a really good story. As it stands now, it is
smoothly written for the most part. It borders on disbelief to me, but then I am a bit of a cynic about these things. It surely is
still within the realm of possibility, and definitely a love story, and a rare one for these days and times. Reading this story left me with a smile on my face, and a bit of wonderment too at how certain couples are able to do this, and others can't make it to a year. I think "wistful" is the best word for how the story made me feel.
First, let me point out the easier errors: In the second sentence "he wife" should be "his wife". Also you need to add a comma after "dump you" and then end
quote, continue the sentence.
In the next paragraph you need a comma after wench, then the quotes and then "he said."
In the paragraph when you introduce Tina's daughter, you first call her Alyssa and then Melissa. She is always Alyssa further along in the story, so I assume you want to correct Melissa. How young is she anyway? What does she look like, the color of her hair and eyes? Is she short or tall? "Beautiful" brings out these kinds of questions in my mind.
When you speak of the birds about, I believe the bobwhite is not only one word, but it is a sound rather than a specific bird. I may be wrong on this point. If so, please let me know.
There are other places where you need commas or minor punctuation changes, and they will get ironed in or out with time.
I think that this is really a very wonderful way to say "I love you" to your soon-to-be wife. Her add-in at the end shows that for now at least, you are both in this for the long haul. It's sweet.
You have used a good mixture of dialogue and description here to move the story along. THe omniscient narrator is a well-liked point of view and works well here along with the reader's knowlege that you have written this in advance of the mattiage, and that Tina has added her 20-year-ring.
All in all, this is a good write. I know that it will be made even better as you get more and more comments from the group. I like it, a lot, and I like the preface and the afterword. It "works."
This is really good writing! It is so focussed on
the grass, and yet encompasses everything. I love it!
I have two small things: Last sentence ~ But more than
anything...insert than. Fourth complete paragraph from
the end: make a striking picture. It really does make
a striking picture.
I love the breauty and breadth of this piece. I love
grass, and the feel of grass under my bare feet, and
I can feel that I am there in a cemetery, seeing and
smelling and feeling and missing the one deceased. It
is wonderfully written! Congratulations!
All best,
VerySara
This is a beautiful, well-written piece. I am always
in awe of those who can write of faith with such
sublimnity, such presence of mind and yet not in or of
this world. Your work is an inspiration to me, to be
a better person, to be more mindful of my neighbors
and friends, to pray more, and to stay with that
peace I know that I have within.
I had a stillbirth once, second child, and I went numb,
just totally numb for a long time. Six months, maybe
ten or twelve. I don't remember. I just remember the
loss, and my turning to God for help.
You have written a beautiful account of a tragic event.
Interesting piece. Well-written, flawlessly presented this memoir tells all of us just what is and is not important. Time spent together does mean a great deal and working all the time seems to ruin a lot of marriages these days, but then the divorce rate is so very high, especially in the United States, that I don't see how anyone can pinpoint a cause. I had to keep on reading this, and could not have forseen where it was going, which says to me that your ability to build suspense and interest is very high. You are correct also in that everyone should be able to relate to this in one way or another. Americans are maniacal about material things, and they work to get them and it's not getting any better. You point this out in a very gentle way. This interior monologue will go on and on and I imagine one day they will let him get up, but probably he will never see any of his family again. It is sad. Sad, and contains a lot of truth. You did a good job here! It was, for me, a bittersweet read.
Be well,
VerySara
This is a very good and very well-written short story.
You have flawlessly presented it, which helps the
reader to not be distracted. The story is quite
bittersweet, as I am sure you know. Basically I
would call this a love story, and a good one. Jack's
character is well done, the changes he goes through
from heavy metal to single parent. His love for his
wife and children is overwhelming in this day and age
of such a high divorce rate, in the United States at
least. Kaylie's character is also well drawn, and
while she is not the protagonist, I feel like I know
them both, or knew her at least. When she died I
began reading faster and faster, wanting her to somehow
come back to life, but no, she was gone for good.
Which goes back to the first sentence of the story
and Jack's hearing the nanny leave. Very well done!
He is a devoted father now, and being a single parent,
especially for a man, is not the easiest thing in the
world. His remembering over and over again the words
of the older man "we have to carry each other..." is
wonderful. You deserve many ribbons for this one!
Be well,
VerySara
I'm afraid I got a little mixed up in this poem.
I am okay until the line "My headache, your champaign"
and then I get confused. I decided that you meant
champagne, then looked in the dictionary and found
that chanpaign means open field or plain. Well, okay;
then if they are joined at the hip, with three legs
and four arms and two heads, how can one be taller
than the other? Anything is possible, of course, but....it's unsettling, to me. It is also adorable,
in a way, but I have the feeling you mean in tongue-in-cheek. Lastly, I don't get the last line at all.
Some days are clearer than others, and while I thought
I was having a good day, this poem stumped me.
Your rhymes are fine, and so is your presentation.
I think maybe it needs a little tidying up.Be well,
VerySara
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/verysara/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 10:11pm on Jul 03, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
