This is a good, and profoundly sad, poem. You have rhymed it just enough, the lines are just right, and
there is not much I can say that would make it better.
I think "throwed" should be "thrown" in the second
line, but other than that, for such a poem of
disgust, you have done quite well. Congratulations!
This is a good poem. Your presentation is flawless
and you have no typos or other errors which only serve
to distract the reader. Your rhyme scheme is carried
all the way through,
This brings up a bittersweet emotion in me, and the
ending is very sad. You are writing very well now.
Don't stop. And please, keep posting on writing.com.
ALl Best,
VerySara
This is a good poem, especially if this is the first
time you have tried non-rhyming poetry. I think that
limb you say you have gone out on is getting much
stronger so that it may hold you better. It reads well
out loud, the flow is good, you've no typos or other
mistakes, so you have fine presentation. This is
a very personal and emotional poem, and I really like
it! I hope you keep writing in this style.
Good job!
All best, VerySara
This story is amazingly close to the truth as I see it,
and as you must also, although it is a work of fiction.
Your line "hope is just a means to continue" is almost hat I am trying to say in a poem NO INK, NO HOPE but
you said it more clearly, more directly. Your use of mist is nothing short of brilliant. I love it!
Your presentation has no errors, typos, etc. and this
makes it easier for the reader. You have added "burst" to "not with a bang but a whimper" which is the way T.S. Eliot saw it. This is an excellent story. I do not think there is anything I could say that would make
it better. 5 Stars and Bravo!!!
This is an adorable, ubut true, poem. I am
impressed with your bio also. And glad to be getting
to know someone in India. What can I say? It's
delightful, and you know your format and write it
well. Congratulations! This cannot be easy for you
to do, as English is not your first language.
You much love writing as much as the rest of us do.
Please, keep on doing it.
I love this poem. T had not heard of this form before,
and am pleased to know about it. I'm always eager to
learnn something. There is a lovely lilting rhythem
to this poem when I read it oud loud, and this contrasts very well with the seriousness of the
content. The form is wonderful. The progression make
sense. You have done an excellent job here. Please,
keep writing, and posting on Writing.com.
his is, as I'm sure you know, a very good poem. Why
would you nail yourself to a palm reader's chopping block? It's a very good question. nd I think you,
the poet, is concealing what lies beneath the pajamas.
When I saw your portfolio I thought that you would
found out what's underneath and more. I hope you are
not stuck in "a half life, with no choice..." Your
poem is very good. Please, keep writing.
Not bad at all. Reads will right down the page, or, put another way, it flows. You tell a well known story here in a very special way. #2 - I'd rather see "often" than much. I'm not sure why but often
sounds like she is counting, and she probably is. I would be, wouldn't you? I don't think you need the
last line, unless you want to make the stanzas an
even number. You might want to find another phrase
-- "never sure at all" or just "never sure" or
"never certain". Remember this is your poem, and mine
is only one opinion, so think about it, and take others' comments into consideration too.
Good write! I like it.
Happy 2005.
VerySara
GOOD POEM! I love it. There is nothing like falling
in love to make the spirit soar. I've often thought
the world runs on love, not the sun's energy, or some
other scientific term, but love. All 57 lines of it!
I like the way the poem looks on the page and it is
flawless to read (no typos, grammatical errors, etc.).
There is nothing I can say that would make this a
better poem. Don't change a word! And, keep writing.
Happy 2005!
VerySara
What can I say? It's perfect. I love it. Don't
change a word! This borders on being sublime.
Like Mozart, chablis, velvet, crystal and the sounds
of the sea. Keep writing! Encore!
VerySara
This is a very powerful piece of writing. My first
reaction is identification with the grief expressed
here. Your presentation is flawless (there are no
grammatical errors or typos) except for one thing:
you have chosen to use many sentence fragments, especially in the second paragraph, and in one way they
add a jagged edge which would metaphorically mirror
the jagged edges of ice, but on a first read, I found
it quite jarring. You have a run on sentence in the
second to last sentence in paragraph three. Here I had
to read through it several times to find a meaning in
the words. The fourth and fifth paragraphs contain
less of this, and I found them much easier to read.
I am sure you chose this fragmentation, but I want to
question if it really works. I know depression well,
believe me, and when I have to write it out I too have
used fragments and run on sentences, for that is the
stream of consciousness in that state. Still, I
wonder if a more "finished" piece would not be as
effective, and less difficult to read. That is just
my opinion, of course, and it is your piece of writing.
It is good the way it is; I became drawn into it
immediately, and was wasted by the end. You have a
read gift for writing! Please keep on doing it, and sharing it with us here at Writing.com.
All best and Happy 2005!
VerySara
This is a well-written piece, with an unexpected clever trick at the end. I like it a lot! THe idea of completely changing identities always appealed to me and so does shape shifting. This story is flawless in presentation (no typos, grammatical errors or
structural defects) and reads very smoothly. It is extremely enjoyable, and I am afraid I cannot find any-thing to say that will help you. I think it is good
the way it is, and you should just not change it!
Happy 2005!
Very very nice! At first I was going to mention you
need a comma here, you need to do this there, but you
drew me into the poem and I forgot all about it.
Avtually you presentation is flawless, no grammatical
mistakes, no substantial structural errors, etc., and
that makes it a pleasure to read. It flows down the
page and I share your longing for him to come rescue
you from yourself. I know the feeling well, trust me.
This is good work. Keep writing. And, keep posting
here on Writing.com.
All best to you in 2005,
VerySara
I love this poem! It flows down the page, telling
all of the situation, and then at the end, the
teller of the tale must surrender all, powerless
within himself to decide where he/she is going or
has come from. It is a poem of loneliness, of being
lost int he universe, of having to keep on keeping
on. "...the whirring of the world/not native to its
orbit" is my favorite phrase or two lines here, and
the ending. Congratulations! You have made my day!
This is an interesting piece. I got lost in the
first sentence: "She was only child and the thought of
her parents' death did not stir her." She was only a
child, or,she was an ony child, but she was only child
got me to wondering how that could be. The rest of
the piece is flawless in its presentation, so I think that you meant the first sentence the way it is. What I get is that she is a member of an extinct species that does not talk to other people, that really is
only waiting to find someone like her, who is
extinct. And by saying that I think somehow that I
am missing the entire point. If I am, could you
please point it out to me?
And, by the way, that I am not sure what it means does
not mean that I do not like it. I like it a lot,
actually, and love the mysterious strangeness that I
feel. It is ingeniously written, and she sounds both
horrid and like some people whom I know and like very
much. Professional orphans are a hard nut to crack.
Enjoy the season,
VerySara
Oh, yes. Sounds like a perfect marriage stage, when
you each have jobs and the kids are grown or growing.
I really like "The nights softly falling like velvet
and lace". Beautiful line. Suggestion since you mean the night is softly falling...maybe it should read
"The night's softly falling..." but that doesn't look
right either. You'd have to chage "days" to "day" also
if you change nights. It's your call. I also really
like "Or has time changed our concept, stolen our thunder?" You are doing good work. Keep writing, and
keep posting on Writing.com.
VerySara
I am a "peacenick" from way back, and although I
support the boys in Iraq, I certainly do not and never
did support Bush's Viet Nam which is Iraq. Nut my
opinion has little to do with anyting, and your poem
is, for me, very difficult to read. It may work at a
"Slam" but I am not sure it woudld "work" as a poem.
Your statements are honest, your grammar is correct,
you have no typos, and yet I cannot find a meter or a
way to read it out loud that it arouses emotion,
be it love or hate, empathy or apathy, distain or
pleasure. Some of it rhymes and some of it doesn't.
The stanzas are of different length. I don't want
to give you a low rating, but there is a great deal
that bothers me about this poem. This is only my
opinion. Wait and see what other comments you get.
It may just be me. And, it is your poem. If I were
you, I would try to rework it a bit to make it more
even in meter and in rhyme, if you want to rhyme it.
Again, this is only one person's opinion, so think and
wait until you get at least ten reviews.
Meanwhile, enjoy the holidays, and keep writing, and
keep posting here on writing.com.
All best, VerySara
This is one of many philosophies of life, and one I
find very very difficult to live with, but I am here
to review the poem, and not its point of view. You'll
just need to excuse me this once, I can't help it.
You have written a good poem. There are no flaws in
your presentation, such as typos, grammatical errors,
poor line structure, etc. The first sentence is a well
known book and a well known poem by Robert Frost, but
I assume you know that. I am very glad the narrator
has made the choice to kust be her/him self. That
is the most important point one can reach. I hope you
keep writing, and keep posting here on Writing.com.
Nive. very nice. You have done a good job of writing
here. With an adorable touch of the grandmother as
the old woman in the corner, knitting. Angie is
successful with her suicide, and you write that quite
well, also. It's not a big dramatic thing, nor is
it a cry for help, but a thought-out determined
taking of pills. It seems a relief for her, and I
doubt anyone could blame her, but they will.
Congratulations! You have done a good job here with
a subject that is not easy to do without over-dramatization. Please kjeep writing, and posting here
on Writing.com.
Enjoy the season,
VerySara
You sure pinned that one down! I actually left my
first husband that way, almost, only I'm not sure I
left a note. Are you always this good at a short
compressed story? I find it a little difficult to do
but when it "works" it's great! And this one is! keep
writing, please, and keep posting here on Writing.
com.
This is a very nice poem, and does indeed show how
God can intervene in one's life at just the right
time. Your use of the very familiar phrase "my soul
to keep" is something I want to question. Did you
use this on purpose? It is such a well-known part of
the childhood prayer that I think you must have used
it on purpose, and yet I wonder why? And the poem, as you know, reeks of self-pity, but also depression.
Trust me, I know the feeling. I admire your honesty
in writing about it. You have a talent for poetry,
but I do think this one could be just a little bit
better, either more remorseful and painful, or less
filled with self-pity. And the use of "my soul to keep" really bothers me.
Your presentation is flawless, and that is surely a
plus. I will read some other things in your port.
Meanwhile, enjoy the season,
VerySara
Very nice!!! Tender and oh so true. I like the lack
of punctuation at the lines' ends; there is a different feel to this poem than many many others I
have read. I like it. Gives me a sense of
ongoingness, as well as as of eternity, and of
freedom. Yet the words produce such tender warning.
Good job! Good Write!
All best,
VerySara
This is a beautiful poem. You maintain the rhyme schme
throughout as well as the rhythm. The images come
through perfectly, and it is written in what I
believe to be the true spirit of Christmas.
Unfortunately, I have no real criticism to offer,
since I believe the poem is really fine as it is now.
You are well on your way to being a very good poet!
Congratualtions. I hope you keep posting here at
Writing.com.
Enjoy the season,
VerySara
Nice poem. Very nice. Short and to the point.
It's like coming out of a coma or something, waking
up and learning that things are always what they
seem, and that they will seem quite different at
different times (they are). That unveiling can be
tricky, trecherous, filled with joy and wonder.
I love these four lines. You know how to write
poetry!
Enjoy,
VerySara
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