Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
lol -- at first i thought, "am I really reading this?" and then I thought, "yes, and I'm enjoying it." I love your technical writing to such a subject. I did laugh outloud as I was shaking my head.
Hey, and just so you know -- it feels the same for a female -- when you mentioned the small orgasm, it was an "aha" moment. I realized maybe men aren't quite so different than us lol.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Of course, the amount of discomfort is directly proportional to the force of the pressure exerted times the volume contained in the bladder - ok so you've given PISS a formula -- brilliant.
Suggestions:
Write more comedy - you have a talent for it!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
You hit a chord here. My only child is a son, too. I'm sure daughters are great, but no one can ever convince me that there is anything like a relationship between mother and son.
You've set up the memory well, providing history and a glimpse into your family.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the ending. It is so inspirational. It makes me want to go hug my son.
Suggestions:
Keep writing! This story was a hallmark moment.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I like this comparison poem. I have one similar in style about children now versus previous generations. I like the progression - this is a poem with a subtle climax.
Improvement Areas:
Though, I'm not offended, the use of "piss" may put some off to the point that they don't read on with an open mind.
Just me, but I would change "hose" to maybe high heels - hose can just have different visuals and a garden hose isn't what you are going for here.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
stand up and shout
cringe and apologize - I like this part as it made me think. It works perfectly in the theme you are projecting, but it made me think about how opposite the lines would be for some people. Any lines that make my brain fire up is a good thing.
Suggestions:
(just on another note - i have a degree in psychology which i noticed is your major - good luck in your studies)
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I like that fact that you told a familiar tale through the view of Eve. We don't often hear her side of it.
Improvement Areas:
It is a little hard to find a rhythm. I think it may be because of the various legnths of sentences. If you take some unnecessary articles out of the longer ones, it may help with this.
Also, I think a stanza of her standing up for herself would be interesting. After all, it always seems she gets the blame.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I like the history incorporated in this. I think sometimes that is hard to do in poetry.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow -- this is definitely sensual -- the mood you create is hot to say the least. It was a great balance. Not too descriptive but enought to gain a visual.
Improvement Areas:
You might consider breaking up the lines a bit as far as form. I think that might make it have a more dramatic effet.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Like a consummate musician you play me, - That;s what I'm talking about! Who doesn't want an encounter like that.
Suggestions:
Excellent job!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Ok Leger, I'm facing my fear and reviewing a mod - a purple one at that!
I love opinion pieces, because often times they bring to me something I had never thought about it. And yours did this as well. Though I had seen the shrines and often thought the media overplayed the incident, I hadn't thought of them in the way you so eloquently stated your views.
The fact that you added an example really brought this essay to life for me. By doing so, it made it become real rather than just an essay of views and opinions.
The conclusion is great in that you speak of what you want for yourself. This to me says: you are allowed your ways, but here is what i want. It keeps the whole essay from sounding like you are pushing your beliefs on others, but rather stating how you feel.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow, this was an interesting, thought-provoking piece. You list it as fiction, and had you not, I would have bought the whole thing as truth. Your voice in the piece is that strong.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
took fact and made it theory - and incorrect theory, at that - and/an?
My Favorite Part:
The ending and building to the end were great. I, also, appreciate how you put your opinions about religion in there without forcing them or being too preachy.
Suggestions:
Again, a very interesting piece!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
The vocabulary you use in this piece is exceptional and intriguing. You have some great descriptive language. I appreciate your uniqueness of the word choice.
Improvement Areas:
The plot is a little unclear to me. It seems like several stories in one, and perhaps that is what you are going for. I would just suggest to develop each thought a little more, or re-evaluate whether they all need a part in this story.
Grammar/Spelling:
We agreed, and headed South to pass Bootjack - no comma needed
deciding to retreat around Bootjack, and attempt landing on the North shore of Espanore. - no comma needed
The dogs had to also be negotiated, by pushing their behinds out of the boat, whereupon they surged through the shallows and onto the unexplored island - no comma needed
know is the mystery intrigues me, lures me into it's dark corridors - its no apostrophe except when it is a contraction for it is or it has
My Favorite Part:
i like the peek into the narrator's thoughts as they are collecting the skulls. This short passage added a lot of character development.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
How ironic that I clicked on this poem to read - we just got a kitten today. I love the reality in this. I had a grandmother that swore she would never have a cat, yet made sure all the strays were fed. This reminded me a lot of her. Thank you for that.
Your plot is developed well, and the versing is strong.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
they’re not pets I just feed them,’ - it's classic lol - i denial of love while actions show otherwise.
Suggestions:
Great feel good poem
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is packed with anticipation and suspense fromt he beginning. The build up is great. The realism to the story is refreshing for the genre of drama. The change it brings to the character and the realization of being aware is not only good story telling, but brings a good message with it.
Improvement Areas:
Surely they had to have some way of calling security - I think the sentence would be just as strong without "surely". You used surely a few lines earlier in the previous paragraph.
Grammar/Spelling:
But had she really paid any attention. - Question mark instead of period
My Favorite Part:
The character thinking to set of off the alarm was unexpected and brilliant.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I have never read a better descriptive essay. You use the sensory details in such a way that not only does the reader feel themselves in the setting, but they don't want to leave.
Improvement Areas:
the old dirt farm road - this is just my opinion, but i would switch this to old farm dirt road -- when i first read it it almost sounded like it was a dirt farm -- just a picky little thing, and it just may be the way i perceived it on first reading.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the part about sucking the flower stem, i had almost forgot about how we used to do that as kids. You brought back some wonderful memories that had been tucked away.
Suggestions:
May I print this off and use it for instructing my English class? We just happen to be doing descriptive essays right now. I think this example would inspire many of them.
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
lol - very creative. At first it reminded me of talking with my mother, but even she knows better than to mention arm flab. -- This had great subtle humor, but more importantly (at least for me) it had a strong message.
Improvement Areas:
I'm not sure if this even needs to be corrected or if it's just me, but at first I wasn't sure who was saying what - the mirror or the girl. But I guess since they are one in the same it doesn't matter upon reflection (no pun intended, sort of)
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
they looked like they’re packed for at least an overnighter, - This is one example of the detail that I loved, because it not only painted a visual, but set the stage for the theme.
Suggestions:
Excellent dialogue!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love the attention to detail in this piece. You have painted such an accurate and clear picture that it in a way is historical. From the hair styles to the music playing in the background, the scene is set perfectly.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the fact that it's not just a dream scene. She doesn't seem distraught when the "vision/experience" is over, but yet comforted. She doesn't doubt herself as is so often the case, but seems to have gained confidence.
Suggestions:
Great story! Great writing. Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is a very introspective look at death. There seem to be many layers here.
Improvement Areas:
There were a couple of parts I had to reread to confirm who you were talking about. You might consider seperating into stanzas to eleviate this confusion.
Grammar/Spelling:
the ones closet - closet/closest
My Favorite Part:
I like the conclusion best. Saying that in death there is peace from the fear. Very insightful.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is amazing! You had me laughing out loud at the first line and feeling sad with the last. The transitions you made in this were spectacular. And you actually had a whole story with a plot and characters from the view of a mirror.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love that you have a moral to your story. You described the setting perfectly.
Suggestions:
I love it!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love this! (ooops I almost added an extra !) - dang it, delete those parenthesis. Seriously, I think this is a well-written, helpful piece. I hope people take the time to read it.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love that you included examples. So many people have not had a strong grammar background, so without your examples they would still be lost.
Suggestions:
Again, excellent job. May I use it in my writing clsss?
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
This poem really makes one think. The repetition in the first lines works well.
I clearly do believe in it,
This is my life and me. - this was my favorite part -- i think recognizing one's self and life for what it is, is sometimes difficult
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Well, I'm definitely intrigued. I like that you have it listed as a action/comedy -- sounds like a fun mix.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
"Ew, momma!", "I don't like that girl!" - delete quotation after momma
My Favorite Part:
I'm giving it a 5 even though i know it is a work in progress, because usually i'm not that interested in the set up of the story --call me impatient but i like to have it all done. But with this you did catch my attention and keep it.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is such an endearing retelling of the tortoise and the hare with a new theme added in.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
where Speedy was lying in the road.
"What happened Speedy - are you all right," asked Molasses?
"How did you know about that," asked Speedy in surprise? - these should be punctuated with the question mark inside the quotations.
"How did you know about that?" asked Speedy in surprise.
My Favorite Part:
Your vocabulary is perfect for a children's book. I love the clear messages you sent. Your character development was great, and will make children beg to hear the story over and over.
Suggestions:
The horn blared and the race was begun
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This poem is a nice, easy read. The rhyme works very well, as does the rhythm.
Improvement Areas:
The last line "and all that should do" is a little awkward - you might try rephrasing.
Grammar/Spelling:
not to expensive - to/too
And to be grammaatically correct (if it matters, becase sometimes it doesn't) the title should be A Present for Whom -- whom is always used when it it the object of the preposition.
My Favorite Part:
It would help if I knew her
but alas I do not
this task was given
It is now my lot - i like this stanza -- it makes me wonder why he's not purschasing his own presents. A bit of mystery.
Suggestions:
Great job!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
I understand the mysteriousness by not naming anyone, but i think all the shes and hers made it confusing who was doing what. The only way I can think without naming one of them is to change it to first person -- i'm sure there is another way though.
He whimpered and plead for his life - pleaded
very gripping tale.
audra
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