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2,953 Public Reviews Given
3,697 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.
I'm good at...
...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.
Least Favorite Genres
Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.
Favorite Item Types
Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic
Least Favorite Item Types
Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.
I will not review...
Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.
Public Reviews
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Review of BOUNDING HOME  
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item


I'm sat here with tears stinging my eyes. This is one of the most moving accounts of battlefield brotherhood I have had the privilege of reading. Thank you. I cannot wait for the day that I'm bragging in a book shop queue: "DRSmith? Oh, yes. I used to read and comment on his work before he made the Best Seller list..."

The imagery in this story is fantastic. Use of metaphor and simile helped, but I thought the time you took to add descriptions (especially comparative ones such as the idyll of England, married to the torn countryside of France), gave such weight to your story. Details of the human cost of war were as beautifully wrought as they were harrowing. The giddy betting on races, the families back hope, the actions and reactions of the men in the field, all added to the very human cost of war that you depicted here in building your characters.

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed reading this; you'll just have to believe me. The brutality of war was not skirted, but nor was it sensationalised and reveled in.
We never felt a sense of glory, no emotional rush of victory or remorse— only death and destruction as mutilated bodies piled up around us; nothing else ahead except more of the same ... Can words convey the heart-stopping jolt of a bullet pinging the side of a helmet, a mere head-bob from going through an eye? What words could possibly relay the bowel-loosening terror of lying in a foxhole trying to curl a six-foot body into a six-inch ball, bouncing with the heaving earth as horrendous concussions are raining closer to your four-foot patch of real estate?
I know that kiyasama is a good writer of WWII dramatic stories, and I'm sure that she would love to read this. I'll send her a link.

There are a couple of jumps forward and back in tense. You might want to proofread specifically for these and stick to one tense throughout. The majority of distracting jumps occurred in the opening present tense scene ("Our duffle bags were waiting for us, though several will go unclaimed."), and not in the flashback/memory scenes.

Your narrative voice is strong and distinctive, but sometimes, when coupled with punctuation choices/grammatical style, meaning can be hard to immediately grasp and a second reading of a sentence/para is required to find clarity:
Perhaps for my English cousins, the invasion will offer vengeance for the Blitzkrieg and memories like Dunkirk, maybe help erase the hapless political decisions and blind apathies that led to such atrocities in the first place. But for me, it felt more like a personal payback.


Each generation seems to go from one war to another, its youth destined to mature in battle at the direction of their older, supposedly much wiser generation who had condemned the very lunacies they had wrought.
Your style is your style, and I wouldn't dream of telling you to adopt any other, but you should look at punctuation. There are a few places where you ask an awful lot of a comma. It can't join two independent clauses without a conjunction after it. Sometimes, it's just best to end the sentence, but if you do have the promise of more to follow its conveyed subject, use a semicolon.

huddled together in a small LCA ... but a larger LCI revved her engines
It helps retain reader clarity if you introduce any abbreviation by using its full title, before you shorten it to its abbreviated form.

Run a spell check. Admittedly, some of the misspelled words I noted are likely to be due to the amount of time I spend writing here at WDC--my UK English has changed to a pigeon US version--but there were still a couple of errors that jumped out at me (duffle bags = duffel bags?).

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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202
Review of House of Wax  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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*Star*AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Hey, Lynn *Smile*

Thank you for entering the History Contest with this story. The contest is, for me, anyway, a chance to show history in action. By that, I do not mean that it has to be a textbook of so called accurate facts (primary source material is nearly always open to personal interpretation in the way we often come across it as a secondary resource), but accurate in its authenticity. In fact, one of my favourite past entries to the contest was a horror story set against the backdrop of the civil war (if you get time, do check it out: "Invalid Item ). I loved the depth you gave to even your minor story characters and the scenery of the back drop of your narrative descriptions. Oh, and I'm sure Paul would approve of this chilling tale with a modern, musical, twist *Delight*

Poe had been so popular when he’d died of consumption ooh, did he? I've heard so many different accounts and possibilities, including a good thrashing... I like the way you state it as fact for this story, though *Wink*

A thoroughly entertaining piece, and worthy of the ribbon that adorns it *Thumbsup*

*Star*Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care! *Star*
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203
Review of I THINK OF YOU  
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

This is a moving poem about a lost friendship and how it haunts the thoughts of the narrator. Reading it aloud was a pleasure, as you commanded the pace well through your word choice and punctuation. The sentiments were strong and created a definite tone of regret. There was something profoundly intimate about this poem, that made me feel as if I were included in the narrator's innermost thoughts.

What are my favourite parts?
They rhyme scheme was well done and never felt forced, but my absolute favourite thing was you good use of other poetry tools--alliteration and assonance being foremost. This line, in particular, was a pleasure to savour:
a beach bathed with moonlight, on soft shifting sand.


What are my suggestions?
You may want to consider changing one of your genre fields. Currently, the first field is showing as a 'contest', and this is not a contest. There is a field for those items that you enter into contests, and that shows as 'contest entry'

Out of the whole poem, only one part that jarred was the repetitious use of a relatively weak pair of words, 'can never' in these two lines:
...can never replace,
memories are something that shadows can never erase.


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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204
Review of A MOTHER'S LOVE  
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is on of four reviews gifted to you from your friend Kate - Writing & Reading on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

I had to start here, because I love Sherri's contest and thought this mother's day prompt was a good way of reading some of your recent work. I'm so pleased I started here, as this poem had me smiling all the way through; due to the sentiment, sure, but also due to some wonderful flashes of observational humour, such as:
perhaps it is the way she has kept you in her heart
through all your growing-up years - when you thought
that she was really old, off her rocker, downright mean.
Any mother will be able to relate to that!

This poem also speaks to me as a Christian. Word use such as 'sacred', 'eternal', 'bears all things', 'brought life into the world that shines brightly', etc., reminded me of Our Lady, and even in Eastertide, I'm always reminded of Lent and Pasiontide, and what Mary must have gone through. You may not have meant this poem as a Christian one, but it really did effect me on that level. I know it was written for Sherri's contest, but you may also want to consider entering it in the Christian writing contest "Invalid Item

What are my favourite parts?
I really enjoyed the way you put this poem together. The repetition, with slight alteration, of each stanza's first line echoed the fuller meaning conveyed in your individual verses--lovely! As always, your language choices are beautifully chosen, creating a natural rhythm to your lines and melody to the way the are spoken.

What are my suggestions?
The only error I found was a typo. You have a stray period here:
A Mother's Love - is endless and bears all things.
.
And


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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205
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Star*AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Hey there, Charliemac *Smile* Thank you for entering the History Contest. You took me straight to the heart of you story with first person narrative and strong imagery thanks, in no small part, to some smashing simile:
Lord, we sound like a herd of buffalo running through a dry goods store, pans clanging against canteens and muskets cracking against each other.
The language use was appropriate to the civil war era, and you revealed a lot of history as a backdrop to your story, but I did find the accent a little too thick at times, and some of your syntax a bit distracting. Overall, I enjoyed this story. Good luck in the contest.

just check your punctuation use throughout, especially comma use, eg.,
Come on, Lucian, keep up there brother.Come on, Lucian. Keep up there, brother.


*Star*Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care! *Star*
206
206
Review of ACTIUM  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*Star*AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Thanks for entering the History Contest with this take on the battle of Actium. First person 'there-at-the-time-as-a-bystander' POV is a great way to view history as immediate and fresh. I remember reading Robert Graves book, I, Claudius and loved the gossipy feel that it created. You've managed to pull off the same level of intimacy and intrigue in an informal tone, and in a way that moves the plot along and gives information at the same time:
I was hanging out at the palace when Octavian came to see Antony a few weeks later. Instead of greeting him like he should have, as equals, Antony completely ignored Octavian. I told him that it wasn’t a smart thing to do, but then again, I’m only a lowly Centurion and generals don’t take the advice of Centurions.


There are a couple of places where you could review your punctuation to make your delivery a little smoother. Particularly look at comma use. If you open a parenthetic comma, be sure to close it, or you'll leave your reader mentally hanging there:
Marcus Antonius, one of our good generals and a friend of Caesar[,] was also there at the time and he asked me to work with him in memory of our beloved Commander.


It's great that you manage to make the whole tone of this informal, but do be wary of directly addressing the reader, as that level of intimacy can distract them from the story:
finally decided to form a second Triumvirate (that’s where three guys rule at one time) and they picked


If you see yourself using repetitious descriptions, odds are it is an area of text that could use a broader vocabulary in future edits:
of massive quinqueremes, huge ships ... plates and massive timbers making them difficult or almost impossible to ram ... His ships also had massive rams

Do watch out for spelling. As well as running a spell check, you should proofread for any errors too:
climbing on to their decks ... ordered by Antonyto bring the


Just one other small not about small gods: when typing about the gods, treat them to a lower case 'g'. They don't carry the noun as a name like God.

Oldwarrior, I did like this account of Actium, because it's a naval battle I've often mulled over myself *Wink* A bit of spit and polish and I think this a good edition to other fictional accounts based on the histories.

*Star*Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care! *Star*
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207
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

As I'm so often fond of saying, down the funeral parlour, "There's nowt wrong with a bit of silliness." The brief description of this item made me want to read it. I can't say that I would have known what to expect without it, because you have not chosen to highlight any genre choices. It is worth your while to use all three of the genre fields, because your poem is more likely to show up in the right place for a reader looking for a certain item type/genre to read.

What are my favourite parts?
Silly? A little, but it's actually rather romantic *Blush* Golly, I must be getting soppy in my dotage. That said, one of my favourite aspects of this poem is the intimate and courtly language used by the narrative voice *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Thanks for popping in an author's note regarding the Rondel form, but you should know that you have not met the requirements that you show as: ABba abAB abbaA. The final stanza's fourth line is a b rhyme, and not the a rhyme that you say it should be.

I think, due to some of the content suggested by tone and language use, you might want to think of increasing the rating to ASR. I leave this up to your own discretion and understanding of the Content Rating System.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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208
Review of Jam Packed  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

Still a sonnet, but I decided to move from comedy to angry rant. To be fair, there can be a bit of a cross-over between the two, and your final couplet proves that to be the case here, too. You may want to use one of your genre fields to reflect this humour, as humour certainly seems a larger part of your poems content than, for example, 'business'.

What are my favourite parts?
All that anger wrapped up neatly in a well executed form. What's not to like? I'm pleased to see you entered it into the Angry Rant contest too. Please let me know how it did *Laugh*

What are my suggestions?
Other than better classification to attract potential readers, I have no suggestions on the poem itself.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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209
209
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is the first of four reviews on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

Oh, I had to start here *Bigsmile* I'm a fan of form, of fiddling about with it, and poets challenging themselves to 'see if they can'. Of course, the added bonus was the 'comedy' genre tag that comes with this Abcedarius. Good use of title, brief description, genre classification and author's note describing the form: all these things make your work so much more accessible to a passing reader's interest *Thumbsup*

This poem is funny. I love your word choices, and thought the whole thing a great way to get your point across in a clever and witty way.

What are my favourite parts?
The argument! By that, I mean your counter argument and the way you have delivered it. Top notch stuff. I really enjoyed the melody that the following words created:
Quitting this whole argument
Really makes much more sense
Since more agreement we'll find
Than reasons to dispense


What are my suggestions?
Anything a man can think
Beware, they're other views
I stumbled here with the contraction, as 'they are' doesn't make as much sense as 'there are'. If you did mean 'there are' the contraction would be 'ther're'.(bit of a mouthful on the page, admittedly, but the right one to put across that there are other views from whatever another man could think if you're sure a contraction is worth it here.)

Sure, the rhythm sometimes gets lost here and there, but to say you've managed a comedy poem with a well argued point, a solid rhyme scheme, and a solid (love the e-Xtract!) form requirement, heck, it's a small price to pay *Laugh*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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I found this item and wanted to read it for a number of reasons; not least of which was the fact that I've re-written my own version of red riding hood, because it's such a cracking story that allows you to follow so many different threads and themes.

I love the observations you come up with. Especially this one:
And why can’t you just live with mom and the rest of us so we don’t have to come here anymore?
I mean, I know that old folk need their independence, but if they're going to go around getting relatives killed whilst delivering groceries, surely it's time to look at the bigger picture.

I loved this clever reworking of the original tale and can see why it has an awardicon. There are a couple of things you might want to look at:

Usually the wolf would always make...
using both 'usually' and 'always' is a little over the top and repetitious. You can make a smoother tense identifier and cut out one of the superfluous words with a quick change to:
Usually the wolf made...
and "But this time, it would circle around her..." becomes "But this time, it circled around her...", and "She would fool it..." becomes "She fooled it..." etc.

Inside was a site no human would ever want to see
sight
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211
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review for Ink Blot *Star* *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This review is part of the [insert package} package gifted to you by in
Ink Blot Hall of Fame  (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot


Overall impressions and suggestions

After visiting your '100 Years From Now' forum, I had a hankering for some sci-fi/fantasy. Thankfully, your beautifully organised portfolio led me here *Bigsmile* Your brief description added to my intrigue and I chose this fanfiction piece.

This might only be a flash fiction piece, but small as it is, it is perfectly formed. Your opening paragraph grabbed my attention and took me straight into the scene, the dark tone, measured pace, and the protagonist's personality. I loved this:
Sipping on dark ale, he yearned to become a part of the life that surrounded him. But the part of his soul that longed to be filled stayed deep and empty.

And had that lovely moment of jealousy ('I wish I'd written that...') thanks to this fab simile:
Flames licked along the floor reaching for the walls. They began to wave out of the windows, like beauty queens.


Just a couple of easy-fix typos:
like bullys' on a playground
bullies
watching until she was out of site
sight

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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212
Review of Mastermind  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Star* Acme's Bazaar Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This review has been gifted to you from your friend live4

Overall impressions and suggestions

The idea behind this story is a good one. It's sufficiently creepy and reminded me of 'learning lessons the hard way' that was one of the themes in Saw. The train of thought is simple enough to follow, and developed well through the protagonist's philosophy as he struggles to comprehend the puzzle. I did get lost a few times, as some of your execution isn't very clear. This story deserves any time you can afford to spend on it, because I do like the clever twist at the end. With that in mind, once you've edited it to your own satisfaction, you might want to consider entering it into this Writing.Com competition:
FORUM
Twisted Tales Contest  (13+)
A monthly contest for stories with a twist. Get 500 GPs for entering! June round open!
#1269187 by Arakun the Twisted Raccoon


I hope the following suggestions are useful when you do edit *Smile*

Think of the item's brief description as the strap line to a movie; it should encourage a passing reader to come and visit the item. Make it story orientated in it's meaning to hook their attention *Thumbsup*

He looked at his “puzzle”; a tightly clad spin of string into one larger, thicker strand.
Do you mean 'strand of string'? And what was it clad in? Show the reader exactly what to see to avoid confusion.

The cramped little tube was illuminated by a red light and had nothing but a small fan behind him – the metallic walls easily converted the prison into an oven.
This looks as if you are personifying the tube. If you are using and to join two independent clauses, pop a comma in before it. Subtle changes will add clarity to your meaning:
The cramped little tube was illuminated by a red light, and he had nothing but a small fan behind him – the metallic walls easily converted the prison into an oven.

“You were told at the beginning that you would have exactly three and one half days until you’re failure begun.”
Spell checks will not catch everything:
you're is a contraction of the two words they are
your is a pronoun
It is good to check tense use, to avoid distracting your reader and make your meaning clear. As the failure has not begun, it should be referenced as 'until your failure begins' or 'until your failure began' -- depending on the intent of your meaning.

Most of the story is in past tense, which makes any present tense uses pop out of the page, along with suddenly changing narrative perspective. This story is in third person, so suddenly addressing the reader (you) upsets the flow:
perhaps an enemy that causes trouble, ruins your plans


In order for your reader to suspend their belief they have to believe the world you give them as a substitution. Check for inconsistencies like this one:
The cramped little tube. . .
this original image conflicts with:
This first victim; a bloodless, emotionless, faceless, and pointless head looked up at him blankly. He pushed it aside with his foot; it had no meaning to the puzzle, nor any purpose for his attention. It rolled across the floor and he returned his stare to the rope.

It, much like those who had prevented him from reaching his level of knowledge and wisdom, would need removed from the picture . . . if the knot were to be removed, it would need untied
would need to be removed, or, would need removal, and, would need to be untied, or would need untying.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of Don't Tempt Me  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review for Ink Blot *Star* *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This review is part of the EBB package gifted to you by kiyasama in
Ink Blot Hall of Fame  (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot


Overall impressions and suggestions

Hey Nicki *Smile* I've gone in for the official contest too, and I know how hard reviews are to come by at the moment, so I wanted to stop here first. The deadline looms! Because this review has been gifted to you, please do not consider my returned auto-award as bad mannered.

First of the bat: this is funny. Good observational humour. I like the way that people don't change; the remembrance of youth in the older women reflects that of the teenagers *Thumbsup*

It's a good story and spot on for plot and character development, so my comments are based your desire to cut it down a bit for the contest *Delight*

Typos:
A little motivation for the first week is exactly what we need. ”
unneeded space before quotation marks.

They settled in on lane nineteen. Tammy lowered her ball to the ball return rack and drew a sharp breath. “What’s the matter with you?” Cheryl snapped, following her stare.
put a double return space before the dialogue to avoid it following Tammy's action, and thereby looking as if it belongs to her. I had to reassess the scene when I got to Cheryl's tag.

Nicki, it is so hard to review your writing objectively because I'm a huge fan of your style. In fact, this piece is as well tailored as I expected it to be, so the following suggestions are just that: suggestions. Predominately, they are given to help reduce word count *Thumbsup*

she said, “No thanks, I’m not cheatin’ on my diet with only two week until the reunion.” She shouted, “Memphis and Hailey! Y’all get in here and clean up this mess!”
I know tags are necessary, but you can still liven them up if you have to use them. Personally, while it does add to your word count, I'd take time to set up the shout, because it just seems a little too choppy as it is. The exclamation does the shouting for her, and so the tag should only serve to point the reader in the right direction of the recipient. The best way to solve it (and no extra words) is:
“Well go on, Tammy, have a cookie.”

“No thanks, I’m not cheatin’ on my diet with only two week until the reunion.” Tammy tilted her chin, gave her head a shake, and with a resolute grin shouted (where ever the girls where), “Memphis and Hailey! Y’all get in here and clean up this mess!”


A great way to cut words is to get rid of telling what you've just shown (redundant words) [-8 words]:
Cheryl took another drag on her cigarette and reached for a cookie. She exhaled the smoke and took a bite. Tammy cringed. “Can you even taste that cookie while you’re smoking?”
Cheryl took another drag on her cigarette and reached for a cookie. She exhaled the smoke and took a bite. Tammy cringed. “Can you even taste that cookie while you’re smoking?”


[-9 words]
Tammy was used to this response which first replaced a reciprocal smile two years ago when Memphis turned thirteen. At first it broke Tammy’s heart, but she soon accepted that teenagers will be teenagers. So she’d adopted a retort that did wonders to cheer her up. Before Memphis turned away, Tammy shot her tongue out at her.
Tammy was used to this response which first replaced a reciprocal smile two years ago when Memphis turned thirteen. At first it broke Tammy’s heart, but she soon accepted that teenagers will be teenagers. Sobut she’d adopted a retort that did wonders to cheer her up: before Memphis turned away, Tammy shot her tongue out at her.


[-7 words]
using the right tense for words can cut out an extra word, here or there, as can getting rid of 'weak' words (just, seemed, almost, etc.)
a shade she began using when she was just a little older that Memphis. Tammy had always been self-conscious of what she saw as a her short forehead, and her coif just didn’t look right until she’d given it some lift on top


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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Review of Mitten Mayhem  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review for Ink Blot *Star* *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This review is part of the TS Eliot package gifted to you by kiyasama in
Ink Blot Hall of Fame  (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot


Overall impressions and suggestions


Yes, I do remember when mittens weren't cool; I think I was wearing them at the time the warrant was issued *Laugh* That is a good brief description, as it certainly captured my imagination! I think you sum this vignette piece up well with this pivotal piece of action:
“Sorry, Mom. But you have no idea how hard it is being twelve,” she whispered dropping the mittens in the snow.

While you capture the moment well, and Natalie's obvious unhappiness at trying to fit in, it would be great to see a bit more of her emotions. Perhaps you can use metaphor and simile to help show her emotions, and allow the reader to connect to them. My only other advice is to replace entertainment with 'comedy' as this really has all the hallmarks of a good one *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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215
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review for Ink Blot *Star* *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This review is part of the TS Eliot package gifted to you by kiyasama in
Ink Blot Hall of Fame  (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot


Overall impressions and suggestions


Hi Audra *Delight*

This is a cracking story, and I just loved it. Your writing, as always, was nice and tight. In fact, the only suggestion I could find to make is a minor style preference: too many uses of the word that, when it wasn't particularly needed. That's it, Honestly! My only other suggestion is too change the nature genre for inspirational, as this story's ending is very moving an powerful. Everything else is wonderful, inspirational, and joyful writing. I can't believe that you could say so much in so few words; you captured the essence of their relationship and personalities in this flash fiction. A joy to read *Bigsmile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall impressions and suggestions


A more thoughtful comedy piece... sounding pretty much like a declaration for standing for Boris's job. I'm sure your ideas would garner you a large proportion of the London vote *Delight* Kudos on the use of 'ilk' -- it's a lovely word.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall impressions and suggestions


A fellow trolley rage sufferer, I see *Smile* Yes, it's a shame that folk don't know how to traverse a supermarket and think about their fellow man at the same time. Another funny observational comedy piece. Apart from the 'i' instead of 'I' use, I did note one other thing:
HOW DARE THEY TEMPORARY PREVENT ME FROM GETTING MY STRAWBERRY MULLER CORNERS?!?
I think you mean temporarily? Also, have you tried the new black cherry and chocolate?

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall impressions and suggestions


Hi Jay *Smile* Welcome to Writing.Com.

This is funny. John Cleese's character, Basily Fawlty, proved that when it comes to comedy it takes a lot to beat an angry man on the verge of losing it. You have an American counterpart to your dry and direct humour, and I suggest you go and visit his portfolio: RufusTFirefly Thanks for the smiles, but there are a couple of formatting issues you should take into account when editing:
*Bullet* The pronoun 'I' should always be capitalised.
*Bullet* WDC is an international audience (erm, Manchester counts for this advice, too), so you should use the full written text rather than abbreviations that might not be instantly recognised.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Thank you for entering "Rising Stars Shining Brighter [E] *Smile* I found this a delightful present tense narrative to read. You convey Alice as a very real person, and not a character. I would have liked to have seen more about her day, environment, experiences, etc., but think you have captured something that rings with truth.

Due to inference of violence (the man's predatory intentions and the theft), you should really make this ASR.



*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of Tomorrow  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Hi Jyo! Thank you for entering "Rising Stars Shining Brighter [E] *Smile*

You've made my day. This is the funniest thing I've read in a while. The fact that it's based on truth makes it even funnier. Oh, you're a *Star* Your vocabulary added to the imagery and the humour. It's also good to see you move away from the 'rules' and embrace a bit of literature abuse: making up your own words like, sockses *Thumbsup* I hate it when I get serious reviews for daft items that say I can't make up words. When not a complete nonsense, it's one of the ways that language evolves.

I did find the internal rhyme started to get a bit hit and miss toward the end. I think it's just because it works so well with the rhythm in the earlier stanzas.

Smite yourself! *Shock* Those two sips of wine in the second stanza mean that this is 13+ content rating, not E. Also, the way it is worded makes it look as if you've sipped them at ten to nine in the morning. Now, that's comedy, but is also behaviour guaranteed to lose sympathy for failing exams, if that's your morning tipple! *Laugh*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of Eye  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Thank you for entering "Rising Stars Shining Brighter [E] *Smile* Good use of metaphor and simile in this unsettling poem. I felt a little lost at times, but responded to the distinctly disturbing images some of the stanzas (particularly the pivotal middle stanza) conjured.

Punctuation can change meaning so easily, and so can capitalisation of line starts that don't seem to correspond with it. You might find that your readers gain greater clarity by appropriately matching it.

The eye is shuttered,
it's photographic chamber recording only the pink insides,
You don't need an apostrophe to show possession for 'its'

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Hi, Oldwarrior *Smile* What a refreshing change to "Rising Stars Shining Brighter [E], to see an essay posted! Thank you for that. I thought your argument was clearly sided, but well argued. I also thought the included quotations were pertinent and added colour and weight to your central argument. I did get the impression that the introduction was separate from the rest of the essay: as if you had started writing in one direction and ended up somewhere else. This is because your main argument/examples, and your closing are strongly connected to Vietnam, while your introduction makes this seem more coincidental, ". . . American national conscience that to think otherwise is considered unpatriotic and immoral. But, is this the way the rest of the world sees us? Is our government living up to our self-proclaimed and cherished belief? I can only reply through my personal love of journalism and factual history. Take Vietnam for example."

You may want to run a spell check as there were a few errors. Be sure to be consistent in name spellings.
Ho Chi Mihn's soldiers (aided by American OSS fighters) fought for two years to expel the occupying Japanese, and after Ho Chi Minh



*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of The Rose  
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Hey Ken, I'm reviewing this poem as your entry in "Rising Stars Shining Brighter [E]

Ghost? Western? Ooh, two of my favourite genres *Delight* I loved my welcome with the strong illustration. It really helped set the mood of the poem to come.

The story is a good one, and so is the simple rhyme scheme and quatrain form. I did have a little trouble with the rhythm; it wasn't the smoothest. No sooner had I got into my stride than I was thrown off it. I suggest you ask a 'cold' reader --a family member or friend who hasn't read it yet-- to read this out loud to you. Listening to them will give you a good indication of where you can focus future edits *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions.

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#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?


Wow! This is a really thoughtful and well composed item about why you write. If you do get a chance to edit it, there are a couple of typos to tidy up:
before drawing,and even before
Spacing typo.

My poetry often remains for my eyes only, or for the eyes of strangers, I still wanted the reader to understand the struggles, fears, and even triumphs that I experience.
Period, not comma, after strangers.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of I'll Meet You  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

Dear Kaya, this is one of 6 reviews that your good friend, Brooke, has requested for you. I told Lornda that finding 6 items of yours that I had not previously reviewed would be hard as I love to spend time in your portfolio. Happily, you are a much more prolific writer than I am a reviewer! I hope you find these reviews useful *Smile*

This is a tender and touching poem about loss, longing, and loving beyond the grave. There's also a lot of hope here. The rhythm and rhyme pattern are almost musical, which adds to the ethereal tone of the piece, and, as per usual, your language choice is wonderful; kudos on the apt use of 'gloaming' *Bigsmile*

What are my favourite parts?
There is so much to like; the strong, concise narrative, alliteration, assonance, word play, imagery and metaphor. One of the best aspects was how you kept this simple. Traditional quatrain and consistent rhythm are expertly done. You present the poem with very little WritingML, but what you do use is thoughtful, such as the muted colour for text, simply centered and no need for illustration. Subtle and effective *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None -- Write on!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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