Oh, I really like this. Thank you so much for sharing it. I particularly like the questions you set forth - they get me thinking along the right lines.
I am doing the Nano Prep this year and am enjoying it. This will help me. I appreciate the fact that you have shared it.
I wish you all the best in your own writing endeavours - your own Great International Novel.
I reviewed the first version of this poem and I liked it. I just reviewed the coming out of depression one - which was also very well done.
I noticed you made changes and I had to read and review again.
I think I like this version better - it is cleaner more potent in its imagery and its message. The fact that you moved the catatonic verse to the end works.
It has a much better flow and even though it is about depression, you do an excellent way of capturing the depth of it without dragging me down with you.
Thank you for sharing this second version. Your changes really improved the potency of the piece.
I enjoyed reading this poem. I can feel you emerging from your darkness back into the light of the world.
Depression dulled all your senses and you have touched on sights, sounds and feelings. Yes, there is hope in this poem.
I read another poem not long ago about depression - I am not sure if it was yours - but it has the same feel. The poet said they were going to write follow -up. This resonates like that one - only this one is lighter - returning back to the light. Very well done.
Your Mr. Dudley comes across as very passionate. He was able to inspire in his own way. It seemed for you, he was able to inspire. Was his passion equally inspiring to the little bird or the blond boy...who knows. I like him. For those of us with writing in our veins we could be inspired as well.
You capture many characters within your short poem and I enjoyed that. Being a teacher myself, you hope to reach all your students and inspire them...but it does not always happen. Sparking a few - those are the nuggets of gold.
Well done. Thank you for sharing this poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Intrigued by the title. I do not normally read fantasy by this looked interesting..
I was not disappointed. Once I was able to get the flow of your story I was able to follow it. I like the concept - the story idea is very good.
The flipping between Sarah and Timpor through me a bit at first, but once I got your style I was fine.
I love the innocence of Sarah, the trust. It contrasts so well to the adults fear.
I really enjoyed this piece, particularly the part where Sarah introduces him to her family. I want to read more.
I have returned several times to read your poem. It interests me. I am not a scholar of poetry so I am only going on my feelings and opinions. Please take them as they are given - in kindness.
I love reading poetry. I find it inspires me and moves me. Something about your poem captures me.
I can feel the lost - ness that permeates the poem.
I like this line:
'The path that led me to this place is gone.
A stranded waif, my thoughts collide'
It paints a picture for me - one of being so long and your thoughts circle and scramble at what to do. The not knowing how you got there. And you are alone. I see smallness in that. We are so small alone.
With these lines:
'The stars in skies will only go to show
that leaves have turned from green to gray to black.'
I see a person who is a city - dweller herself, not familiar with following stars so she can make no sense of them. All she has are her senses to see the trees go from green to grey to black - I love that passage of time. She is probably very hyper aware of her surroundings.
I can feel the essence of this poem. I am not sure if I get the symbolism. But the Morning Dove - is it the city she can not reach. I would think she must be close...but which way??
I really enjoyed reading your poem. I am glad you shared it. I hope my review sheds some like. Remember it is only one opinion.
Now I have not read the poem by Robert Frost that this poem is modelled on but I really loved this poem.
I am amazed this was written for a grade 7 Lit class. Your very talented.
I love the imagry in the first stanza - 'pen scratches paper realeasing my thoughts like doves.'
I can see the young writer listening to these voices that want to be set free to have their say - only you can connect with them and bring them into being.
I am very impressed. Thank you for sharing this poem. I really enjoyed reading it. Please keep writing.
Very powerful. I am glad it was only a dream as I was right there with the character feeling the terror.
The words packed in tight heightened the tension of the piece.
When you switch to call it a monster - I did not think that necessary - I had to go back and read it thinking there was a second beast, until I realized you just called it that.
Illiberally - not sure what this word is?
Although gruesome, I loved this image: 'behind bars of bones and walls of flesh, my heart.'
So glad you jerked awake. Could vividly see that bit.
Overall, it was well done. I did enjoy reading it. Thank you for sharing it.
This poem is well done, the only stumbling block is when I read the part 'to pen the trials of' - it reads a little shaky there for me.
But other than that - I love the sentiment. I am taking on the challenge of thirteen poems in thirteen days and loving it. This have helped inspire me.
Writing poetry, we are trying to touch that place that resonates with others. Capturing that essence in a few, powerful words. painting pictures with our words.
I think your poem does this. The words are strong and I am moved by the message.
Overall, well done. Thank you for sharing this poem. I really enjoyed reading it.
very dark and heavy. I am pulled under just reading it.
The words are so tightly packed in - little space to even breath while reading it. That is good, I think.
'I am tied by the binds that my very hands have tied' ' should this be bindings or bonds? Binds does not sound right to me.
I do tend to like happier endings - the hand reaching down to help gives me hope but you don't make it out and I almost cry for your character.
I would not say your character is venting so much as drowning in a situation or life of his own making.
I know he is in a well and I get the many references of water but the 'waves are relentless' is a bit over the top - maybe your struggles slosh the water about but not as waves.
Adam on Eden is not lost on me. Being tempted by a woman. I get that. I get that she is temptation itself and being close to her heightens the temptation that even a gentleman can not resist.
You talk of balance – organic equilibrium, good and evil, Yin Yang – as an art form. I like that aspect.
“A perfect balance often hovers on a razor’s edge – this is mentioned at the beginning and played out again at the end somehow. His balance to do the right thing.
I love your descriptions of the other characters in paragraph 3.
Interesting byplay in paragraph 4 – description of the girl and his paternal instincts compared to those of the salesmen.
Like that he stands up for her. The dialogue plays out well.
Is she the tempting apple? Like in the garden of Eden?
I am a little confused at the end – but I did like the story. There is something about it – like the girl herself.
I know she touched the man in the chest, but I don’t remember them getting apples or was the razor in his apple? And he swallowed it?
Is there a significance to her name?
Definitely interesting. I am glad I read it. I just may have to read it again to try to get more of what you are trying to convey.
Very powerful, dynamic piece. I was with you all the way. I feel the depth of the characters pain and their anguish. Brutal yet beautiful at the same time.
I noted two things that broke up my reading flow a bit:
'For far too long now, have I felt nothing but the melancholy' - would read smoother as 'I have felt'
'Those days have long come and gone' - would read stronger without the 'long'.
After that I was so spellbound by the piece and the characters battle I just read and absorbed it in.
Paragraph two is very powerful in its description - I am caught down there with you.
Third paragraph is well paced and I love the 'I'll-- Thud.'
I really like how you brought the character back up and out - 'the future awaits...' I can handle reading soul wrenching pieces as long as enlightenment or rebirth or some kind of happiness breaks through at the end and you nailed it with this!
Very Well Done,.
Well done. I like this piece. I was intrigued by the prompt and like how you handled it.
The characters are strong, with definite views. The protagonist supports her fully, the antagonist has his doubts. True to form I would say.
I like how S stands up and defends her.
We do love our characters, some live with us a long time. I find some of my characters are so very real to me - once you write them out on the page they are separated from you - like children going out into the world.
It is true we don't know where we are going to go with our characters - some we feel can write their own story, others percolate.
I love getting to know my own characters and yes I love them all too, even the antagonists - so I can relate to your piece.
Overall, it was well done. I enjoyed reading it. I might even be inspired to try my own hand at a conversation myself - interesting to see what comes out. You are not ordinary. Being able to bring characters to life takes skill and love.
I love the sweetness of this poem. holding the baby 'safe and warm' and thinking about being their for him - to guide him. In knowing him and guiding him you both become better people. I like that concept.
Is it 'give my life for yours' should it be give my life for you - I am thinking 'for you' is the stronger
I do not think he will travel through life 'unafraid' but I do believe there will be people there to support him whatever he may face.
I understand and can relate to the sense of 'hoping the best, fearing the worst'.
Definitely the beginning of a journey - I do hope you intend to write more because I am intrigued. I want to know what happens and why she was out there to start with.
I love your imagery throughout the piece. Your words made the story come into view. At the point of the object I got a bit lost trying to make sense of what was happening there. My sense of 'lostess' reflects your characters confusion so may that is intended.
Love this images - Droplets danced on the gravel, jumping up again like crickets in the spring - so beautiful.
I was curious as to why people would be in the graveyard in the rain - did it start unexpectantly? I love the rain as well, and I do go walking out in it but never with a book bag that is not protected against the elements.
Looking forward to reading more of this. Stay with it - there is lots of potential here.
There is a sad desperation in this poem. I get the emotions you are trying to convey. The images are powerful - particularly the whispering winds have damned my soul to walk this land an empty shell - I can see and feel this.
The fumes that rise - I can see - but I am not so sure about the image of a carcass - it does not flow for me - but I could be reading it wrong - I might enjoy pelted skin or sunburnt skin - you're not dead yet.
Aside from the word carcass, I like the first verse.
The second verse trips me up - I can't seem to read it without breaking up my flow. I like the first line, but the rest falls flat for me - it has potential - I can feel that, but although I love reading poetry I am not a strong enough writer to give advise here.
The last verse is strong and I like the imagery you convey. Well done there.
There is potential in this poem but it needs something. I hope this critique is helpful. Please can it as only my opinion.
Funny little piece. I can see this all play out. Being a writer we recognize that aspect in others - you noticing it in the man watching you - the nerves you feel in your stomach until you realize he too is capturing you in word pictures on his own index cards.
I love how you describe your character watching others - with your bangs falling squarely across your eyes. I can see why he moved probably sensed your watching, and not being a writer or artistic sort moved towards other colleagues farther away.
When you say 'normal way of conversation' I am left wondering if you think it is not normal to people watch - but then as writers and artistic types we tend to people watch with an intensity others may not get. Whether you intended it or not, I get that sense that we are not 'normal' but then, who is really, when it gets down to it.
I liked this piece. It was humorous in the sense that I can see myself in it and laugh. We writers are definitely an interesting group,
Keep up the writing.
I love the title of your poem. I love the premise that we shouldn't let doubt run our lives but having read it - I don't feel any hope of getting it to leave.
The verses that include the artist and the writer I understand and feel the resonance of those verses. I am less secure in the verses about the soldier and the child - maybe because my experience does not run that way. They are not as clear for me - but remember this is only my opinion - take it as you will.
The last verse has good imagery as I can see and hear Doubt as he makes his way into our hearts. it is so hard to get rid of him after he entrenches himself. I feel little hope of shaking him. It is hard to regain confidence when he is present - who love a verse on blasting him but that may be for a different poem.
I love this. Visual poetry is always so intriguing and this is no exception. This is something I would love to frame and put up on my wall. It is well thought out - everything is there - the balance of reading and writing that the site is standing for, but also the coming together, the melding of ideas. I find the last part - addicting, home and the heart to be funny and sweet and entirely true the more I get involved. Thank you for creating and sharing this.
Just noticed one thing - 'their live would have been lived in vain' should be - their lives would have been lived in vain.
Other than that, I quite liked this piece. I am not a big sports fan, but I found the analogy at the beginning with the two basketball teams not having any baskets to shoot for was very powerful. A definite sit up and notice moment. I loved how you drew out the analogy of the running, passing and dribbling - so good - "you spend all your time running around during the day, passing out at night, and well...Dribbling." Seriously funny.
You make some interesting points but I particularly liked the bit about the 3% of Harvard graduates who wrote down and worked towards their goals having a net worth greater that the 97% that didn't. That made me sit up and take notice.
You mention the studies about people with a single goal of feeding and petting an animal - and I got to thinking how as teachers we often guide students to make goals, even in special education classes. Giving them a purpose, something they are responsible for - gives them a goal and can give a kid a focus and set them on a better track.
When you talk about the people in World War ll living for their goals it got me thinking of other incidents - even people who lived through the holocaust.
I liked how this piece got me thinking. Thank you for that. I believe goals are important - that is why I love that writing.com has the weekly goals part of their site - I make a point of touching base each Monday and Friday with my goals for the week for my writing and my life. Hope you do to.
I read this last night but was too tired to give you a review so I waited until today...well tonight. I really liked this piece. The part that really moved me was how the old man wanted just happy memories but the music was flat. In making the music true, full of the happy memories combined with the memories that added depth and shape to the man's life, the music bloomed and filled in. I loved this concept! Well done.
It is sad in the sense that the musician is playing the old man out of his life but music made the transition easier for the old guy. So much better than the angel of death coming to get him. too bad the old man was alone with the musician, but I think in the end we all die alone. We just slip away.
In a light way you have delved deeply into this topic, weaving into it like the musician in a way. Well played.
Interesting how the speaker belches to life at the beginning yet in the end the musician closes the man's eyes in death.
It definitely got me thinking and I am glad I came back tonight to reread it. Last night I was getting confused about the old man and Stuart but with the reread, I realize they are one and the same. The musician is not named but no name is needed.
Thank you for sharing this piece. I truly enjoyed it.
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