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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi regal Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the WDC Senior Mod. Contest.
I have just read your monologue "Invalid Item" Open in new Window., which I found when searching for a Newbie to read and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. You are welcome to use or disregard any of my advise.


Overall Impressions:
I was moved by your content and found it resonated with it. I thought it interesting that you started with a story of a man suffering with Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome and how he rushes to get back to the 'noise of life'.


Favourite Part:
I enjoyed the content and it resonated with me.
Quietude.
Noise of life.


Suggestions:
Oh of the things that gave me pause was the layout of your piece. It is a monologue which is going to be packed with your thoughts but I think for visual relief if you put spaces between your paragraphs it would help to open the piece up. It is so word packed it is a bit overwhelming - word noise.


Additional Comments:
I really enjoyed your piece and the content. Keep writing.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Ann Lapine Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and WDC 14th Birthday Sr. Moderator's Contest.
I have just read article "A, B, C’s for Your Brain" Open in new Window., which I found when searching for a Newbie to review and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Feel free to use or disregard any advise as you see fit.


Overall Impressions:
This was an interesting article. It was laid out in an uncluttered. It was interesting to learn about a closed brain injury. Great ideas to improve your brain - good things whether you have suffered a brain injury or not.


Favourite Part:
I appreciated the web sites to build on your information. That lends more credibility to your work. I will have to try them out.


Suggestions:
I did not notice any grammar and spelling issues.


Additional Comments:
Thank you for showing this piece. You have put a great deal of thought into it. Well done.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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228
228
Review of Doubting Thomas  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .
I have just read your Saraband poem "Doubting Thomas" Open in new Window., which I found when [how did you find me?] and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.


Overall Impressions:
I love the title and the description line. They pulled me in. Having tried my had at a saraband I wanted to see how you handled it and I was not disappointed. You did a fine job and it really shines.
I am particularly drawn into this topic. You make it work wonderfully.


Form:
To meet the challenge of this contest you did the saraband. This is a new form for me. You did the form that used the Tercet - the first 3 lines all rhyming. The next four follow the rhyming pattern of b.c.b.c. which is the Spanish version.
Your poem has 6 stanzas. It holds to the 'purist' view by having each line comprising 8 syllables.


Techniques:
enjambment is employed - 'Am I heard beyond the confines of my mind?' and 'I recall verses from The Word that promises "Seek and ye shall find."' in the second stanza. It is used a good deal and it lets the poem flow.


Favourite Part:
I love the flow of the tercet verses:

"I puzzle through each waking day.
When I have doubts, I sometimes pray,
though does it help? I cannot say."

"Each day is like a brand new dance.
I seek but is it only chance,
my answers merely happenstance?"

"How much easier it would be,
instead of faith, if I could see
the future and a plan for me."

Clear, beautiful language conveys a freshness to your thoughts and doubts.

Suggestions:
I have no suggestions. I see no spelling or grammar issues.


Additional Comments:
I am glad you are taking this poetry challenge - seems you are doing the same two as I am. It is wonderful to read your work and see a fresh new example of how it should be done.


I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging! Good luck in the contests.

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229
229
Review of Dear Anne Frank  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Humming Bird Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the I Write - September, October, November contest.
I have just read your poem "Dear Anne Frank" Open in new Window., which I found when above mine in the entrants of week one's contestants and wanted to share my thoughts with you. I am a novice writer so please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Feel free to use or disregard any or all of my advice. Remember this is your gift of writing, you have the ultimate decisions where it is concerned.


Overall Impressions:
I am not sure what today's prompt is but I really enjoyed this little piece. I have begun Anne Frank's book many times but can never seem to finish it. There is a pureness to it - an aching, 'hauntingness' that speaks across the passage of time and I think your poem does well to capture that sentiment. You used simple words to convey so much. It is enough to make me want to go back and reread and finish such a moving work of autobiographical history.


Technique:
I am a novice when it comes to critiquing poetry. I love to write it, but find I am a little overwhelmed by the terminology so I will do my best...
I think your messages washes over any real need to follow any particular rhyming pattern - so I would say this is a free verse poem.


Rhyme and rhythm:
The words don't seem to rhyme, per se but when read aloud there is an essence.
The first two lines - diary and weary - don't rhyme but they hold the similar sound at the tip end. I believe there is a technical term for that but I am uncertain what it is.
Lines 3 and 4 repeat the 'up' - playing with the images of never giving up and keeping your chin up. Love those.
Lines 5 and 6 - sword and word don't rhyme but can be said to sound similar. Again the message of the words is important here.
The last line causes me to stumble a bit in the reading - that could just be me, though. With your words, many changes have been made. I think it is the 'through' and second 'you' that throws me. Does this make any sense?


Favourite Part:
Love the quote you incorporated - "Paper has more patience than people." I love that quote. It is so true.
I love that you captured the essence of Anne Frank in a capsule of such a small poem.


Suggestions:
I saw no spelling or grammatical errors.
My only suggestion was with the final line - altering it slightly from "Through your words many changes you had made." to 'With your words, many changes have been made.' Remember this is only a suggestion.


Additional Comments:
Curious if you have read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It tells a story from the German side - a family who houses a Jewish man. There is a movie as well, but I think the book, as always, is far better than the movie.
I also want to wish you luck in the contest.


I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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230
230
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the PDG Alumni Challenge (in the hopes of catching up to you in points)*Bigsmile*.
I have just read your poem "The Artist's Touch" Open in new Window., which I found when you posted it in the self In/Out section of the PDG Alumni Challenge and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. You are free to use or disregard any of the advise I suggest, as it is just that - a suggestion.


Overall Impressions:
I was drawn in by the title - The Artist's Touch. There is beauty in the poet's touch as well. There is a soft, gentleness to this poem. Like the awe inspiring joy you get when watching nature paint the end of a fine day into night and back again to day. Sweetness is captured.


Form:
I have no knowledge of a Burn's Stanza - so I looked it up to find this tid bit:

"The stanza is six lines in length and rhymes aaabab, with tetrameter a lines and dimeter b lines. The second b line may or may not be repeated."

The rhyming pattern and number of lines follow the 'prescribed' requirement. I quite admired the freshness of your rhymes (but then you never disappoint).
Where I get hung up is on the rest of this definition... being a novice, sometimes the terminology is over the top. I will say when I read it aloud it sounded lovely so I think you quite nailed it.


Techniques:
There is some enjambment.
As I read the poem I can see the artist's touch at work painting the images within my mind's eye.


Favourite Part:
What don't I like... everything was beautiful.

"the crickets sing a lullaby in counterpoint to the wind's sigh" brings in the essence of sound which I am currently experiencing as I read this which is why I especially like this part.

"Adieu, it says - not a goodbye." I love the sentiment of this.

The night turns to "shades of smoke", the morning is "softly brushed".


Suggestions:
Not a one.


Additional Comments:
I see this is for a contest so I wish you luck.


I enjoyed reading your work. Your poetry is truly wonderful. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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231
231
Review of My big dream  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Izzy's Writing Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .
I have just read your story "My big dream" Open in new Window., which I was requested to review and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. I am a novice writer as well. Remember that this is ultimately your story so you are free to use or disregard anything I have to say.


Overall Impressions:
Your story starts out well and captures me. There is real potential here. I do have some concerns, but overall I would say you have a good story here.


Characters:
Lizzy is a promising hockey player which has been granted the privilege of having her hockey idols coach her.
There is a foster mother and father who have been abusing and threatening Lizzy.
Hockey heros that are coaching her - Nicklas Kronwall and the Euro-twins (given that I don't know who they are it is a good idea to get their names in early to avoid confusion) - Pavel and Hank - not sure of their last names.
Lizzy's regular coach.


Setting:
Lizzy's foster home
Her home rink or Joe Louis Arena - I am unclear here -does her foster mother drop her off at her usual rink or the Joe Louis one?
The home where Nick, Pavel and Hank live.

Plot:
Good story that moves pretty well.


Favourite Part:
I like how she has hockey as a safe place.
I like how you create the home life situation.


Suggestions:
For dialogue, remember each speaker gets their own paragraph. This way it lets the reader stay clear on who is saying what. It also lets you add in little details to develop character. And it makes it easier to read. I did a little rewrite...

I woke to the sound of my foster mom’s harsh voice. “Get up, brat! I’m taking you to your hockey lesson.”
I got up, dressed, and grabbed my bag before coming out of my room.
She drove me, not saying a word and just as I reached for the door handle she grabbed my arm. “I won’t be picking you up later, brat. Do you hear me.“ she hissed in my face.
“Yes, mother.” I said. I swear I could smell the stench of alcohol on her breath.
She released me and I quickly made my exit, glad she had at least waited for me to get my hockey bag. The thing weighed a ton. Without looking back, I trudged into the building. My stomach growling.

This opens things up and helps with pacing as well. If you carry this through your whole piece it will really help.

Spelling was fine as far as I could tell.


Additional Comments:
I like the concept of your story. I would suggest referring to Nick as Nick and not changing it to Nicky – it sounds and feels a bit like you are crossing the line. Touching needs to be ‘chummy’ and not intimate as your character is only 14 and I feel a bit uncomfortable with the intimacy. I know you like him, but you have to watch that. Having him climb into her bed can get him in trouble if he if he is over 18. The cops are going to be concerned with him as well as the abusive parents. He can be concerned and caring but he needs to watch how close he gets to her. It might even be a good idea if one of the guys has a girlfriend or mother come over to help her – particularly in the bedroom.

I would say work this as a dream to leave it this way or make a few adjustments to keep the relationship appropriate. Or you could have those foster parents claiming he is being inappropriate and suing him.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging! Please keep writing.

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232
Review of Lifted high  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi ElaineElaine Author IconMail Icon. It's 💙 Carly: poems & novel Author IconMail Icon doing a raid of your portfolio for the 30 Day Blogging Challenge. As I am getting started late on this I am choosing smaller pieces. I chose your poem "Lifted high" Open in new Window./

I liked the title and the descriptive line - being transformed by an ancient dragon. Very intriguing so I had to have a closer look and read. I am glad I did. I really liked the rhyming pattern you held to - my only trip up was on the line "to a place of pure love where you me hold." I kept wanting to read it as 'where you behold'. Other than than the poem flowed well and captured me.

I loved the repetition of the line ''Take me away, oh dragon of old." You craft your poem using beautiful words - like courage and eternity's mold.

Thank you for sharing your piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.


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233
233
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Noyoki Author IconMail Icon. It's 💙 Carly: poems & novel Author IconMail Icon doing my raid of your portfolio. I have been here before and I was only happy to return. As I am starting this challenge on the later side, I am focusing on poetry and short fiction pieces - this one fit the bill perfectly. I chose to review your short flash fiction piece "The Choices We Make" Open in new Window. and I was very impressed.

Wow. A moving piece. With such a small amount of words, you managed to convey raw emotion. I felt the depth of their experience.

There were a few spots that tripped me up - "fleet heart" - I would have just gone with 'beating heart', but that is only personal preference. I also tripped over 'harsh breaths' and would have preferred 'harsh breathing' but there again it is preference.

Beyond those two things the piece dragged me in and I was captured by the impact. Well done.


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234
234
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Weirdone-Back in the games Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .
I have just read short piece "The Night We Stayed in and Ordered Pizza" Open in new Window., which I found when participating in the I Write - June, July, August and wanted to share my thoughts with you - as I promised to give your piece a review because of the mix up. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Feel free to use or disregard my advise as you see fit.


Overall Impressions:
Interesting little story and you manage to tell your tale in the designated 200 words and that is impressive. I was taken in by the first line and kept reading to find out what would happen.


Characters:
Lauren is the roommate, the good girl who wants a demon to kill the girl, Susan Marshall who got picked for head cheerleader over her.
The story is told from first person point of view so the main character is referred as 'I' - the 'crazy goth bitch'.


Setting:
On the back field behind the campus on the night of the full moon.


Plot:
The plot is well paced and carries the reader along wanting to find out what will happen.


Favourite Part:
I like your ending... going to stay in and order pizza is far better than calling up demons.


Suggestions:
The first sentence can read smoother by saying it was the night of the full moon, but you are aiming for 200 words exactly and my way gives to many words. For that reason, I would not change a thing. I see no spelling or grammar issues.


Additional Comments:
Exactly 200 words very impressive. I find it is hard to get an exact word count - up to 300 is a bit easier. Well done.
Good luck in the contest. *Bigsmile*

I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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235
235
Review of Christian Senryu  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Weirdone-Back in the games Author IconMail Icon,

I am 💙 Carly: poems & novel Author IconMail Icon and it is my pleasure to review your Christian Senryu's for the I Write - June-July- August contest.

My first impression is one of unsureness at the topic. I feel pain at your feelings of being forced to go to church. I can understand the harshness that pushes down on you. Your emotions come through very well.

Being a Christian I can relate to your pain, being older now I have come to see separate religion and spirituality.

I am not overly familiar with the senryu form but I think you hold true to it. Good luck in the contest.


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236
236
Review of Patterns  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Geoff Author Icon.
My name is Carly (we met on the IM system the other day) and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. . I guess you would call me one of the senior mentees, having gone through their fabulous workshops.
I have just read poem "Patterns" Open in new Window., which I found when while looking down the list of new mentees and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. I am a novice writer like you, so please feel free to use my advice or disregard it as you see fit. The work is ultimately yours.


Overall Impressions:
I really liked your poem. I got the imagery of the bird and vole and porcupine - not the usual medley of animals which was a great way to pull me in.


Form:
I do not see any rhyming scheme so I am going to say you went with free verse.
I love how the first two verses held the pattern or forest noises.
Twitter, pitter
Twitter, pitter

and

Pitter, patter
Pitter, patter

I am thinking I would have liked that to continue with the porcupine as well to keep the pattern running for each of your 'guests' of honour within the poem.

The first three stanzas introduce your animals - those 'guests of honour', I mentioned. The use of vole and porcupine was fresh.

I loved the imagery of the third stanza - I can see the little porcupine lumbering and scurrying away at the bark of the dog.


Techniques:
You used repetition as part of your pattern, but only for the first two stanzas. If you held to that pattern throughout it might make it stronger.


Favourite Part:
I love the lines:
"Who can read the pattens
The patterns that weave together and force apart."

I am not really sure what you mean by that, but it sounds good to me. There is something strongly poetic in those lines.


Suggestions:
I am thinking these patterns are the aspects of our lives that keep all things within nature, and us included, holding to a set behaviour pattern and expectations to live out our lives. They weave us together in expectations but force us apart in our stereotypes.

I want to know more about what they force us to let go of - dreams? Like you, I really don't know.

I am thinking your last stanza would be stronger if you followed the pattern and just repeated the line "I really don't know." instead of altering it to "No. I really don't."


Additional Comments:
I see a lot of potential in your poem. I did enjoy it. I is peeking at the patterns of life.

Also I think you have one too many
s at the beginning that is not supposed to be visible - that is an easy fix.

I hope I did not overwhelm you. Your poem is rough but have fine potential and I look forward to reading more of your work. Please, keep at it!


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
237
237
Review of Paper Flowers  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angels in my Ear Author Icon.
I have just read your poem "Paper Flowers" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.


Overall Impressions:
It was the description of what this poem is about that drew me in - "what holds you back from conquering your dreams?" I was not disappointed, in the least.
I was curious what the paper flowers had to do with that description and I was pleased with how you worked the poem around to say that quote - "Only paper flowers are afraid of the rain." Beautifully poignant.


Form:
Three line stanza in all but the second last, which is four. The last stanza contains the quote.
The second last stanza - the one containing 4 lines is the turning point when the poet takes a stand and believes they will do these things they dream about.


Technique:
Enjambment is employed to carry the poem along in each stanza - holding a single dream.
Repetition is used to pour in the strengh of your convictions:

I will dance with the moon.
I will soar to the sun.
I will sing with the birds.
I will roar with the storm.

Repetition is also used to dream:

I want to - run, fall, swim, shine, crash - these are all simple, yet provocative verbs. The imagery is visceral.

The second stanza begins the repetitive portion switching from "My solitude" to "I hide" before switching to the "I want" stanzas. I found this very empowering - as the poet dreams, and dreams big and then follows through and desides to go for it.
The poem draws you there.

The ending supplies the quote and solidifies the poets desire to follow through.


Favourite Part:
I really like this whole poem. You start within your solitude - which is initially confining. Then you realize this is not the way to live and you let you mind go to dreaming, solidifying your desire to follow through and you end with saying "only paper flowers are afraid of the rain." I love that quote. Well done.


Suggestions:
I could see no issues of spelling or grammar.


Additional Comments:
The more I read the poem the more I liked it.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon.
I have just read your flash fiction piece "Even Paranoids Have Enemies" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
This review is done in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge for the wonderful House of Baratheon!


Overall Impressions:
First that picture at the top of your piece scared me... I have been reading too much dark stuff lately! Thanks for the chuckle - it was brilliant. I could so relate to the NO's screaming through the house - I had two reviews almost done and when I went to save them the WDC site picked that time to kick me out and have me sign back it - I lost them!!!! Crapper! I hate it when that happens - maybe it was aliens... or the evil dust bunnies, there are too many of those in my house as well!! Time to clean... but not now. First House Baratheon has to take over the world!! Or well... you know.... WDC, at least.


Characters:
Poor Ken and his little dog, too!
Did somebody say squirrels... aliens... dust bunnies. Ahhhhhh!


Setting:
Sitting in front of your computer trying to make sense of your cyber world.


Plot:
Plot...what plot...this is life.

But seriously, great pace and a joy to read. You managed to pack a lot of whimsical funny into a small flash of fiction. I applaud you.


Favourite Part:
Love the tin foil hat. It looks great on you, Ken.

The ending with those pesky dust bunnies is ingenious.


Suggestions:
Not a one. Love that the piece come out to 299 words or a possible 300! Impressive.


Additional Comments:
Great read. You never fail to impress me.


I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Arakun the twisted raccoon Author Icon.
I have just read your chapter "The Witch's Diary Part I" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.

Disclaimer: Writing is a very personal experience and any criticism can be taken personally. Please remember that the following suggestions are based on of my own opinion and personal interpretation of your work. Feel free to take and/or disregard any of my suggestions.

This review is done in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge and is affiliated with the House Baratheon.


Overall Impressions:
Eerily enticing. I was pulled along with the character eager to know her fate.


Characters:
A young girl, home from college, is taking a new puppy to its new family who live 30 miles away.
A ghostly girl appears within the house - chilling. And makes a request that Melissa take and read her diary so that the past can finally be revealed.
The Millers are also mentioned and their opinions of the old house add further dimension to the story.


Setting:
A thunderstorm makes the muddy country roads all but impassable. Melissa finds herself off the road into a ditch surrounded by corn.
She heads out into the storm, drawn by the night from a nearby house.
The house itself is eerie and well described as most definitely abandoned.
The conclusion find Melissa settling into her own room after the day ends eager to read the diary.


Plot:
The plot is well paced drawing the reader along, settling our nerves on alert.
Melissa's own imagination warns her of what is to come - a kind of foreshadowing, in a way. Yet she moves forward, taking us with her. Finding the book and seeing the eerie figure of a ghost stutter us, then have us running with Melissa in her fear.
Finding our information from the Millers informs and ignites a curiousity in the character and the reader alike.
I would be inclined to settle in to read that book as well.


Favourite Part:
I love the house and its light that draws her in.
I love the end of the chapter when she settles in to read the diary itself.
You do a fabulous job of drawing the reader into your tale.
I like how the phone works once she returns to the car.


Suggestions:
I could see no issues with spelling or grammar.


Additional Comments:
I look forward to the next installment to find out what more is to happen. You do an excellent job of introducing characters and setting the story in motion. Well done.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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240
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Review of The Elevator  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Stuart Author Icon.
I have just read your short story "The Elevator" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Feel free to use what appeals to use and disregard what does not, ultimately the work is your own.
This review is done in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge.


Overall Impressions:
I was really impressed with the way you were able to craft the scene and pull me into the story. I wanted to know what was going to happen.


Characters:
Mike Dewar is the main character a focused man who has spent the last 4 years looking for this particular elevator that drops only downwards to an unknown place.
The other characters are equally well described - one is a woman, one is a meandering man who has finally found a purpose to his life and the other is a 62 year old man with survival skills experience.
Each of them bring something to the trip and the experience they are about to embark upon.


Setting:
Very well described - I was right there with them. The sensory imagery painted a picture I could easily visualize. A old, dilapidated building with an old elevator that only descends into the unknown.


Plot:
The story is well paced and it pulls the reader in, making them want to join the group. But just as the story was getting good you pulled back and left the reader feeling left out. You could easily draw this story out into something much larger. I would be intrigued to read on.


Favourite Part:
"It had taken Mike Dewar and his team many years to find the elevator and now at last they stood before it, unable to speak, each with his or her own thoughts. The elevator seemed to stare impassively back at them, its black iron latticed gate like the formidable portcullis of an impregnable fortress, challenging them to step inside."
I love the personification of the elevator in this passage. I also like your style of sparse words to convey great images.


Suggestions:
The story stopped before before I was ready. I was right in there following them into the elevator eager to know what more was going to happen and then the scene pulled back and I was left wondering what was gong to happen to them all.


Additional Comments:
The writing was tight and the story was well put together. I would enjoy reading more if you continue to add to this story in the future.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of Angel  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi FallenAngel Author Icon.
I have just read your short piece "Angel" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
This review is done in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge.


Overall Impressions:
Interesting twist of a tale well known. Your words drew me in drawing me along like the children going with Peter Pan. Love the ending - Now they will never grow up.


Characters:
Favourite story time characters of Peter Pan, Wendy, John and Michael are brought forth in this tale. Their parents - Mr. and Mrs. Darling are brought into the twist.


Setting:
The nursery of the Darling's house where Wendy, John and Michael slept.


Plot:
This is a short little tale that packs a punch. The pacing is well handled. Peter's shadow casts a foreshadowing and a darkness on the tale that seems only too 'real'. Well done.
Peter entices the children to go with him as usual - Wendy questions him, but is only too willing to go along on the adventure.
The parents return home and mother checks on her little ones only to find them ice cold and gone from their bodies. I like how Wendy assures her mother they are okay, and that they are only going to Neverland with Peter.

Favourite Part:
You create a wonderful bit of story, carved out of characters we all know and love and put a twist on it that seems so plausible. You handle it well with the foreshadowing of the shadow.
I really like the ending line: "Now they will never grow up."


Suggestions:
I was initially thinking it odd that Wendy made their beds but once I read further I realized this was a way of creating the finality of their lives. Well done. I can see no other issues within your piece.


Additional Comments:
I quite liked this story. Using characters we all know and twisting the plot to a more ominous side - one that is in essence believable.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of Awakening  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi John Adams Author Icon.
I have just read your short story "Awakening" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Use what works for you and feel fine with disregarding what does not work for you. The piece is ultimately your work.
This review is done in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge.


Overall Impressions:
Surreal is right. It was an interesting tale and you tell it well.


Characters:
The main character is Jim. Other characters are a girl he loved - Marcia, her father, Jim's mother and his own self.
There are also homeless people at the beginning of the story.


Setting:
You do an excellent job of conveying each of the scenes - the opening walk home from the library, Marcia's house, the walk up into the stars (beautifully described), his home with his mother, the bridge and the river and up into the tree.


Plot:
The story is described as "A surreal love story about a young man' search for himself".
The pace is good as it moves through its odd tale. I am able to follow his travels, thanks to your good description, but I am confused by what is all happening and why - I am thinking this story is too surreal for me to really understand and I apologize for that.


Favourite Part:
I like the opening paragraphs of the story. It is intriguing. Do do a fine job of conveying the images so that I am able to visualize what is going on in the story.
In fact, you do well to describe what is going on in the story all the way through - I am able to stay with this character as he roams through his surreal travels.


Suggestions:
I do not feel I can give suggestions to adequately help. I am confused and lost in the surrealness of the piece.


Additional Comments:
Although I am lost in your surreal world, I still think you do a good job of taking me along on the journey. I am not really sure what he learns about himself.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of The Luring  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Fairport Author Icon.
I have just read your poem " The Luring" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
This review is done in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge.

Overall Impressions:
I like the title and find it appropriate for setting the mood of the poem. Your word choice further draws out the darkness of the poem and pulls you along with the poet into the poem's depth. Well done.


Form:
Four quatrain stanzas carry the poem forward.


Techniques:
Enjambment is used to carry us along
Senses are heightened - sights, sounds, and touch/feelings are used to bring the poem to life and give it definition.


Rhyme:
The poem follows a abab cdcd efef ghgh pattern. The rhymes follow within the masculine type of rhyme that focuses on the final part of the rhyming words (still, will)
One of the rhymes uses a forced rhyme (path, laugh) that works well within the poem.
You do an excellent job of capturing the right word to follow the pattern.
I particularly like desire and pyre.


Favourite Part:
The first stanza is my favourite - the imagery draws me into the tale. I am treading that path along with the poet.

I love your use of word choice.
'dreaded path' 'slight quiver' 'siren call' 'swift terror'

This line is also a favourite;
'Uncertainty of where I’m bound
Enhanced the gallop in my chest,'
I like the freshness of the image.


Suggestions:
I do not see any flaws within your piece. Spelling in grammar is well in hand.
I am never sure what to do with punctuation in a poem - but I am thinking a period at the end of each stanza couldn't hurt. Other than that, your punctuation guides the reader through quite well.


Additional Comments:
I get a little lost within the poem as it moves along but I believe it is my own abilities and not that of the poem. As I read, it is not until the last stanza that I feel a little lost, but I also find my lost sense is reflective of the poet's fall into the luring itself so that may be the intended aspect.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Angels in my Ear Author Icon.
I have just read your poem "Looking Through Windows" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Please feel free to use what you can of my advise and disregard anything that does not suit.
This review is in conjunction with the Game of Thrones challenge.


Overall Impressions: ]
Wow, Aundria! I am impressed. This poem so resonated with me - not that I have a friend that got pregnant but that my friends from high school have gone off in lives different from my own. We keep in touch because it is important but sometimes things stick out, like a bad situation that you know you can't change. You do an excellent job capturing that essence of pain that is associated with this kind of situation. Well done.


Characters:
This is a poem but their are two characters - one the poet telling the tale, the other, her friend who must live her life doled out to her from a poor choice. You capture them brilliantly with grace and poignancy.


Form:
I am not sure if follows any prescribed poetic form. I would say it is free verse and the free flow of it follows the emotions the poem conveys.
There seems to be a pattern of your own creation - stanzas of 7 lines, some with 5, others with 4, one with 8. It seems to hold to the 'conversation' on the phone - sometimes we say a lot other times we listen - this poem invokes that feeling in me.


Techniques:
There is no rhyming pattern that I can see but it does not require one.
You employ enjambment to curl the lines around and carry the thoughts forward.
Your use of punctuation is well handled as well.


Favourite Part:
I love the feeling this poem invokes for me.

But I cannot.
I can only sit on the other end of the phone,
while you tell me about all the second chances
you hand out,
and how you know what you are doing.

This stanza makes me feel for the poet - I feel her feelings of not knowing how to help, to be there for her friend.

"false confidence" and "you will never leave that world" - this was a resonant point for me - I have a friend in a relationship that will stick it out because she does not want to be seen as a failure in her relationship (that was before they had children, now they do) - he has been unfaithful and so immature, but she gives him more chances and if I want to be her friend I keep my own trap shut about how I feel about her husband.


Spelling/Grammar:
I see nothing amiss here.


Additional Comments:



I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of Muse  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Another Thing To Dust Author Icon.
I have just read your poem "Muse" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
This review is in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge.

Overall Impressions:
I was impressed as to the ease of reading your peom. Your images captured me and drew me along as you explore your muse.


Form:
I appreciate that you mention that this poem is a Rondeau. Having only read my first one yesterday, I am still in the very novice of stages so please take my thoughts and opinions as that and use only what works for you and feel free to disregard anything that does not suit.
I Rondeau is a French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain (R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the same metrical length).

You hold to the structure of the form very well.
'breath' and 'left' is a bit odd but it does not take away from the flow - so it works. All of your other rhymes blend and flow naturally. I love the line you choose as your refrain - 'You're every tale.'

Technique:
Your language is simple and clear, conveying the images with just the right amount of sweetness - your love for your muse is apparent.


Favourite Part:
I love the first stanza the best - the imagery is strong and the intimacy is apparent with gazing into her eyes to see 'the flecks of gold' - that is pure, unrefined and well gifted. Precious metal of the highest quality I am sure.

The last stanza shows how much you love and cherish your muse.


Suggestions:
My only quam is in the secondtwo lines of the last stanza - to me, it would sound much stonger to say:

Perhaps one day I'll come to know,
You're every tale.

To me the muse already knows her stories - she shares them with you as her trust grows in your loving partnership. The longer the partnership, the more you'll know.


Additional Comments:
Extremely well done. I really enjoyed the opportunity to read another Rondeau. I will have to try my hand at writing within the structure - it seems quite the challenge. I wish you luck in the contest. You have a worthy entry.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of Insomnia  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon.
I have just read your poem "Insomnia" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
This review is given in conjunction with the Game of Thrones Challenge and in the hopes of keeping your wonderful cheers for our own House!


Overall Impressions:
You may have got me here with a teaser of Cheers for our House, but I am so glad I got a chance to read this little gem. You have a gift of crafting wonderful poems within the beauty of language.


Form:
I have to say I appreciate your inclusion of the form at the bottom of your piece. As a novice poet, I want to learn and when you grace your piece with the details I am only too pleased to learn with a great example of the form before my very eyes.
So the form is a Rondeau (never heard of this one before). I quite like it - very challenging indeed and you do it justice.


Technique:
Given that this style is new to me, my first read was one of awe. Then confusion at looking for a pattern. Then I read about the forma and everything fell into place. I did not realize that this could be done, but I am learning their are way more structured styles out there and I am willing to try my hand at them.


Definitions:
I did stumble over your words - words I did not know the meaning of and then I discovered your inclusion of the definitions and thought, wow - you most certainly read my mind - thank you for that. Well done.


Favourite Part:
Where do I start:

First the topic - asking for help to sleep - we have all done this. Your poem makes it seem so sophisticated.
"Oh Morpheus, you fickle god," - sleep can be pernicity.

Love the line - "I've found there aren't sufficient sheep"

The words you choose are all ripe for the picking. Each with a weight that is necessary and needed.

There is honestly nothing I do not like about this poem. It is exceptional.

Suggestions:
Not a one. Your brilliance needs shades - but then you would get even less sleep.


Additional Comments:
I have never been disappointed whenever I peruse your WDC portfolio. You have much to teach with your skill and I appreciate what I am able to learn from you. Thank you so much for including the form and definitions after your piece.


I really enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of Fairytale Meadow  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Lauryn Rose Author Icon.
I have just read your poem "Fairytale Meadow" Open in new Window. and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
This review is done in conjunction with the Mission Challenge of reading a Newbie and the Game of Thrones challenge.


Overall Impressions:
I loved your poem. Even the look of it - it looks like a tree from your Fairytale Meadow.

Theme:
Light and magical. Visiting this fairytale meadow is a wonderous place. I would love to visit it myself.

Technique:
I love to write and read poetry, but I am still learning so keep that in mind as I give you my critique - always remember the piece is your first and formost - what I have to say can be used or tossed as you see fit.
I would say this poem is free verse and I love that about it - fairytale meadows cannot be contained in over structured pieces.
The rhyming that you do employ is lovely - air - stare and away - play


Imagry:
You capture the beauty of the place. Your images are vivid and fresh. Even the visual of the poem itself is beautiful.


Favourite Part:
When every creature stops to stare it made me think of the cows at my grandparent's farm - they would all gaze up and look at you - a moment held in time - then they would resume their activities not concerned with me.

I love the sensory aspects - sound of dragonfly wings and trilling birds
-the moistness of raindrops

"daylight falls away"
"Out the fairies come to play"

The second stanza was my favourite.


Suggestions:
You use the word 'lightly' several times with the rain and the flowers - I am wondering if using another word would freshen it up even more
Raindrops fell lightly while
Yellow flowers danced brightly in the sun.

This also reminds me of those fabulous sun showers - I really love the wonder and majesty of those.


Additional Comments:
As a Newbie, I welcome you here to WDC. I found the site overwhelming at first but once I met some people and got involved in the activities, I have found it has become my cyber home. I wish you the same enjoyment. If you have any concerns or questions - about this review or any thing else on the site do not hesitate to ask. I would love to help. And by all means - Keep writing. You have some lovely talent. I look forward to reading more from you.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Joyous Author Icon.
I have just read your short piece "The Power of Inspiration" Open in new Window. that I found on the Hub and wanted to share my thoughts with you. I am a novice writer so please keep this in mind and remember this is only my opinion. This review is also done in part as a member of the House Baratheon for the Game of Thrones Challenge.


Overall Impressions:
Wow, such a powerful piece. I was moved to tears. I loved how you started and ended with the man who suffered from Alzheimers - that tied the piece together very well.


Theme:
How we unknowingly inspire others. I would have to agree with you wholeheartedly. We do not notice how much our own lives influence and inspire others. We see ourselves as simply ordinary souls, but we are actually far more influential than we realize. I am glad that other girl was able to come and tell you that - as most people may think it but don't address it.
Sometimes I find our world can be very negative and people are so quick to criticize but think how wonderful you felt when she shared that you inspired her - if more people would do that, the world would be a much happier place.
I think we consciously need to choose to reach out to people - share those good bits and see what comes back to us.


Favourite Part:
As I mentioned before, I loved how you started and ended with the man who suffered from Alzheimers - that tied the piece together very well.


Suggestions:
I wish you still had the piece the man wrote to include with your own words - it would really add to the depth of the piece but I do realize it is gone. You still do a lovely job of capturing what he says.


Additional Comments:
I work with children who have special needs and I often find myself inspired by their tenacity and perseverance. I am also inspired by the parents who genuinely love and care for their children - overcoming the odds. I make sure I let those parents know they are appreciated and that I applaud their efforts. People need to hear the good.


I enjoyed reading your work. It really got me thinking and I like pieces that get me considering things about the world we live in. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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Review of The Muse's Garden  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon.
I have just read your poem "The Muse's Garden" Open in new Window. that I found in the Rising Stars area [I want to do a member to member review]. We are also House Baratheon teammates. I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.

Overall Impressions:
I loved the image of the tree at the top of your piece - very appropriate. I got a good, saddened feeling from your poem - feeling your pain as love, once beautiful has turned to bitterness and pain. The emotions emanate form the poem and I felt carried by them.

Characters:
The poem is told by a character, a man who has had his heart broken by a love that has gone sour. He is torn between love and hate - unable to break free, but angry with himself for being so weak.

Setting/imagery:
Loved you words creating images for me:
'liquid flowing words'
'sand to my parched soul'


Technique:
This is an area I am not strong in but I do know a sonnet follows a particular pattern of rhyme abab cdcd efef gg - and you do an excellent job. There is no forced rhyme it flows smoothly.
There are 14 lines - which is the requirement - I noticed in your notes you wrote down 16 instead of 14.
You also follow the iambic pentameter - 10 beats per line. You do an excellent job of that as well.

Favourite Part: [Enter text here]
I loved how her images were once 'so sweet' and eventually they 'turned bitter on my tongue' - I liked how you stayed with that metaphor.


Suggestions:
The only part that shifts me off balance happens half way through the third stanza - it is here you shift from your images with her to you alone attempting to put pen to paper.
"as my attempts with pen and paper failed;
the lyrics trapped within me left unsung."

I guess I was hoping for you to stay with what you had created up to that point. You come back to it for the last two lines - so I am thinking it is only me who feels that shift. I do not usually read sonnets.
Each time I read it, it makes more sense.

Additional Comments:
Overall, I loved the poem.

I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging and not too confusing! I think I need to go to bed.

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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Lynda Miller Author Icon.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. .
I have just read short story "War and The Men Who Fight It" Open in new Window., which I found when looking for a piece to review on the Hub and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.


Overall Impressions:
I like the foreshadowing aspects that permeate from the first several paragraphs – the Sergeant’s thoughts. Although I was surprised by the ending, I was pleased the Private got his locket back.

Characters:
We have the Sergeant in charge of his troop. He worries for his men, but he is also in charge.
There is the Private (which I think needs to be capitalized) who owns the locket – later we discover his name is Pete (I would be inclined to introduce him fully at the beginning – Private Pete Lastname).
There are a few other men under the Sergeant – Cory, Ryan, Martin and Brady. In my minimal experience with this genre, I would say Privates are referred to by their last name. This might give a more war-torn ring to it. There is a closeness among soldiers, but it is balanced off and distanced by using their last names.

Setting:
I would really like to see some word pictures painted with regard to where they are. I understand they are in the war zone, but some details that accent your senses would bring it more into focus. What can I see? I get a sense of what I hear – radio static and AK-47 chatter – those are good, but give me more.
I am wondering about opening up the scene having him reach down into the miles of endless sand to retrieve the locket.

Plot:
I get a sense of your story. It has a good beginning and resolution, but the middle gives me some confusion.
What all is going on in this small town. Where are they, why are they there, what is their mission and who has got them cornered? These details would bring your story into clearer focus for me. I want to feel for these men, but am not sure what they are fully up to in this story.
For instance, why was Private Ryan asked to take a man and dig a hole? Why? What was the purpose of this? I would like more clarity in this.

Favourite Part:
I enjoyed your ending – with the Private getting his locket back. It reflects back to the beginning and the humanity of the situation – the Sergeant’s more vulnerable, real side.

Suggestions:
Give me details. Fill my senses with the desperate nature of their experience. Put me there. I get some of this but I want more. I would be willing to reread and review this piece in the future.

Additional Comments:
I see this is a contest entry that probably has a word count limit. The story has potential, but it needs more details to bring it out. I wish you well in the contest.


I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!

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