Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon.
I have just read your poem "The Muse's Garden" that I found in the Rising Stars area [I want to do a member to member review]. We are also House Baratheon teammates. I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions:
I loved the image of the tree at the top of your piece - very appropriate. I got a good, saddened feeling from your poem - feeling your pain as love, once beautiful has turned to bitterness and pain. The emotions emanate form the poem and I felt carried by them.
Characters:
The poem is told by a character, a man who has had his heart broken by a love that has gone sour. He is torn between love and hate - unable to break free, but angry with himself for being so weak.
Setting/imagery:
Loved you words creating images for me:
'liquid flowing words'
'sand to my parched soul'
Technique:
This is an area I am not strong in but I do know a sonnet follows a particular pattern of rhyme abab cdcd efef gg - and you do an excellent job. There is no forced rhyme it flows smoothly.
There are 14 lines - which is the requirement - I noticed in your notes you wrote down 16 instead of 14.
You also follow the iambic pentameter - 10 beats per line. You do an excellent job of that as well.
Favourite Part: [Enter text here]
I loved how her images were once 'so sweet' and eventually they 'turned bitter on my tongue' - I liked how you stayed with that metaphor.
Suggestions:
The only part that shifts me off balance happens half way through the third stanza - it is here you shift from your images with her to you alone attempting to put pen to paper.
"as my attempts with pen and paper failed;
the lyrics trapped within me left unsung."
I guess I was hoping for you to stay with what you had created up to that point. You come back to it for the last two lines - so I am thinking it is only me who feels that shift. I do not usually read sonnets.
Each time I read it, it makes more sense.
Additional Comments:
Overall, I loved the poem.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging and not too confusing! I think I need to go to bed.
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Hi Lynda Miller.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read short story "War and The Men Who Fight It" , which I found when looking for a piece to review on the Hub and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions:
I like the foreshadowing aspects that permeate from the first several paragraphs – the Sergeant’s thoughts. Although I was surprised by the ending, I was pleased the Private got his locket back.
Characters:
We have the Sergeant in charge of his troop. He worries for his men, but he is also in charge.
There is the Private (which I think needs to be capitalized) who owns the locket – later we discover his name is Pete (I would be inclined to introduce him fully at the beginning – Private Pete Lastname).
There are a few other men under the Sergeant – Cory, Ryan, Martin and Brady. In my minimal experience with this genre, I would say Privates are referred to by their last name. This might give a more war-torn ring to it. There is a closeness among soldiers, but it is balanced off and distanced by using their last names.
Setting:
I would really like to see some word pictures painted with regard to where they are. I understand they are in the war zone, but some details that accent your senses would bring it more into focus. What can I see? I get a sense of what I hear – radio static and AK-47 chatter – those are good, but give me more.
I am wondering about opening up the scene having him reach down into the miles of endless sand to retrieve the locket.
Plot:
I get a sense of your story. It has a good beginning and resolution, but the middle gives me some confusion.
What all is going on in this small town. Where are they, why are they there, what is their mission and who has got them cornered? These details would bring your story into clearer focus for me. I want to feel for these men, but am not sure what they are fully up to in this story.
For instance, why was Private Ryan asked to take a man and dig a hole? Why? What was the purpose of this? I would like more clarity in this.
Favourite Part:
I enjoyed your ending – with the Private getting his locket back. It reflects back to the beginning and the humanity of the situation – the Sergeant’s more vulnerable, real side.
Suggestions:
Give me details. Fill my senses with the desperate nature of their experience. Put me there. I get some of this but I want more. I would be willing to reread and review this piece in the future.
Additional Comments:
I see this is a contest entry that probably has a word count limit. The story has potential, but it needs more details to bring it out. I wish you well in the contest.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi carlton607.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" . I am currently taking the PDG Review Workshop and this piece "Annie" was given as an assignment.
I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion and you are free to use or disregard any or all of my suggestions.
Overall Impressions:
I like the idea of how your main character suffers through the dark and stormy night. With the light of day, things improve. That aspect of the story shows promise to me.
But beyond that I am afraid to admit, I was confused. I was also surprised by the ending.
Characters:
We have a woman named Annie and her dog Buster. I like the name choices.
I found your description of Annie unclear. I was not certain how old you intended her to be or what her ailment was that was holding her captive within her bed. At times, she was able pull the blankets over her head, yet at other times, she was not able to make her "withered arm" work. Painting a clearer picture of your main character may help the reader better understand her and connect with her.
Being confused by the character often made it difficult to understand why she was screaming and afraid in the night.
Setting:
The story takes place in Annie's bedroom while a storm rages outside.
Given that this is a contest - I am curious as to the opening of "It was a stormy and dark night..." Was that a prompt? It is very close to the cliche "It was a dark and stormy night." If it is not a prompt, I would suggest starting off your story with a stronger pull.
Plot:
This is where I got confused. I was having trouble focusing on where you were going with this story. Although I like your characters, they did not seem to flow into a story that made sense to me.
I am wondering if you developed your character more and made her fears of the storm clearer, the reader would be able to identify with her more.
Favourite Part:
I like that with the morning came cheery, bright sun and rejuvenation for Annie. She was able to hug her dog.
Suggestions:
The ending is abrupt and a surprise for me. I was just glad that she was better and then my hopes were dashed. I think I would be more inclined to stay with a happier ending but then, that is my preference.
Additional Comments:
I see this is a winning entry in a 'bad fiction' contest. I congratulate you on this and with that, breathe a sigh of relief. Your piece truly is hard to follow, but as that was your aim, you succeeded.
I also appreciate you 'donating' this piece for our PDG group to review it on our week to be kind and honest. I hope I have managed this.
I will be looking into some of your other writing to see what other styles and contests you have tried.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi Jeff masquerading as Deadpool.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read short story "The Ex-Girlfriends Club" , which I found when searching for a purple case member to review and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: Wow. Excellent story. I really enjoyed it. Humour and authentic in its telling. I was a little concerned at the beginning thinking 'oh, no. He's walking into a problem.' but you made it so fun and lively. Not what I was expecting and that pleased me.
Characters: Loved these two. They are meant for each other. Love that he is willing to be vulnerable enough to share openly with his fiancé. A situation like this often blows up in the guys face and I was pleased you did not go there. I also loved that she did not turn on him as often happens in these situations.
Setting: Not overly defined but not really important in this little tale.
Plot: sharing and vulnerability are brought to the table and it is met with humour and done well.
Favourite Part:
He goes through each girlfriend and her scars.
Love that she has one of her own, but that she only has one prerequisite for the club - the fact that they truly love each other is very apparent and I love that ending!
Suggestions:
Only found one mistake: "Whenever I dated someone knew," knew should be new.
Additional Comments: This is a great story Jeff. I am glad I got a chance to read it. I will be smiling about this for awhile. Thanks for that.
I really enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi In Dribs and Drabs.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read short piece "A Christmas Scene" , which I found when pursuing the Hub looking for a Newbie to read and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. Take what works for you and feel free to disregard the rest.
Overall Impressions: Loved the imagery of your piece.
I was a little taken aback by the second last paragraph - set as eerie and I am not sure what to make of it. Oddly disconcerting but not in a bad way. As your sentence describing your story reveals 'all is not as it seems'.
I feel a kind of sadness with this piece. I will need to let it settled into me and come back and read it again.
Characters: a character has written a note and their body is still in the position they fell asleep in but I am not sure if they are still alive or not. Maybe some clarity is needed or perhaps I am dense.
Setting: Very well described with a good deal of sensory details to make it come alive. Well done.
Plot: I am a little confused as to whether the body is alive or not. And if dead - why would Santa(?) or a stranger say thank you?
Favourite Part: I love the imagery in the first several lines. I can see that fire - all my senses are awakened in your depiction of the scene. Well done.
Suggestions:
For this line: "Sat upon this piece of furniture sat a record player" - I would find an alternate word for 'sat' - once is fine but two in one sentence takes away its strength.
I love your first paragraph but I would fine it just as beautiful if you shortened up the last sentence. "The crackling broke the silence with each burst of noise." - I would just write - The crackling broke the silence that swelled around our merry group. or simply - The crackling broke the silence.
The use of 'the body' disturbs me a little - the tone of the piece shifts here. I guess I am expecting 'the body' to maybe be 'a child' but I am left feeling like they might not just be asleep - "The body remained peaceful" gives me a wee chill and I do not think that is what you intended.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
I LOVE it. I even sang it, amid my giggles. This was a cute little parody of a White Christmas.
The part I like the best was these lines:
"I don't want to see tree tops glisten,
And I don't want to listen,
To my teeth chattering in the snow."
Lovely and humorous all at the same time.
The only thing I might do is add the word 'already' to the second line - it sings better.
Unlike the ones that I know, --- Unlike the ones I already know,
I could see you adding to it - maybe adding beaches to your warm Christmas - but that is merely a thought.
Overall, I thought it was fabulous. Thank you for sharing it. Have a Merry Christmas and try not to get too cold. Bailey's in hot chocolate may be a nice treat. In fact, I may go try that right now.
The Newbies Academy Group is searching out Christmas and Festive pieces to review this weekend and I found your collection of pieces. I decided to chose this piece "The Innkeeper's Wife's Tale " because I like different perspectives on stories we all know and love.
Overall impression: I love the story this poem relates. The tale of the inn keeper's wife. Great perspective!. I enjoy pieces that take a new twist on a tale as old as time. It breathes fresh life back into a story that is already well loved.
I found the woman's sleeplessness appealing. She could do nothing but provide the shed as the inn was full.
Her hearing the angles sing and seeing the starlight - brings in the sensory impact of the piece.
I love that the woman notices the younger woman's eminent birth - her reaction is very plausible - she helps were she can and feels the guilt of not doing more - that is a sentiment that plagues women all over the world I am sure - that universal acknowledgement. Well done.
My favourite line is: "In deep remorse I knelt upon the straw." because it resonates with me. She has realized she could have done so much more for this young family - and the fact that this is the Christ - child really nails it home.
There is no suggestions I could make. I think it works wonderfully.
I really enjoyed you poem. Thank you for sharing it. Have a Merry Christmas!
Hi Keaton Foster: Know My Hell!.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read your poem "Out There" , which I found when I did a random review and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: Being a random review, I was glad to get a poem. I love reading poetry. Yours was intriguing. It held me captive in its words, drew me along as it considered itself. I bumbled a few times, but found a reread and a read aloud were helpful as my night-mind was getting spacey (that had nothing to do with your poem, just my own mind feeling the effects of the day).
Definitely thought provoking.
Favourite Part: I like that the poem prattles on thinking as it goes - kind of like my own mind skittering about and playing at thoughts.
Interesting imagery - "pouring down from above, rising up from below."
I liked the balance that conveyed - above - below
'distance - simultaneous proximity'
"Requiring explanation, needing exploration"
"fertile existential ether, that knows no limits"
I particularly like the last two lines: "A place where anything and everything is possible..."
It is about everything and nothing, but it feels positive and freeing.
Additional Comments: Well done. I am not sure what it is fully about, but I like the feeling it gives me. I am perfectly okay with that - because to me - that is the essence of what it is about.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi Jeff masquerading as Deadpool.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" and the Santa's Helpers.
I have just read Step by Step "Your NanoCounter" , which I found when I clicked on the random reviewer and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: Given that this is a random review for the Santa's Helper - my first thought was to laugh. Jeff, this is a wonderful step by step instructional piece. I love Nano and all things Nano - so of course, your Nano counter was a hit. It is well laid out and even a more computer challenged goop, like me, was able to understand and follow your directions.
Suggestions: I would not change a thing.
Additional Comments: I look forward to next year! Does the counter stay on my main page all year? Just curious.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi A*Monaing*Faith.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read short piece "Cinder Klause" , which I found when I was looking for something intriguing to review and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: I quite liked this piece. Interesting characters and a story that has me wanting to know more. What will happen next to this small, close group of friends.
Characters: Each of your characters was interesting - I loved the description of Moody Eyes. I occasionally got a little lost in the children - but I think that has more to do with me and not your writing - I am starting to get tired. I had a better sense of them by the end of your piece. I think the banter - when they are calling each other names through me - but I loved the closeness and fun in that banter.
The names you selected are interesting Diamond, Serelle, Cinder and Findley. Even Moody Eyes.
Setting: I am right there with them. Your descriptions hold me and make it believable - and also make me wonder about that strange 'hail'.
Plot: Intriguing. I want to know what is going to happen next. These four little friends - what is in store for them; what will they learn when they go back the next day. There is real potential here for more story.
Favourite Part: I love the banter between the characters - it shows that they are close and loving. I want to know more about them and there adventures.
Suggestions: I would only say that I want to know more - but that is for the next story not this one.
Additional Comments: I know this is written for a prompt but it is quite good. I would look forward to reading anything you may want to do with this - there is potential for expansion. The characters all have stories to tell and so does their friendship and the adventures they may have. I want to know more.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi DJ. Venson.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read your poem "LIFE UNDER PRESSURE" , which I found when glancing over the Hubs list of reviews and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: Whoa! Powerful piece. I love this poem. You get the reader thinking and you hold them in the palm of your hand as they read the piece. The title had me wondering what it was about and I was blown away by the topic!
Characters: I realize this is a poem, and not a story but there is an element of a tragic tale told within the lines you weave. Well done. You feel the emotions of both of the characters.
Setting: I am in that hospital and that delivery room. Right there with the swirling emotions.
Plot: This poem weaves a tale with few words but with a huge impact.
Favourite Part: I love that you do not say who he chooses. Instead you turn it to the reader. Now that is impressive and amazingly powerful dragging the reading into the middle of the trauma and the tragedy!!
Suggestions: I have no suggestions to make. I was too moved by the end.
Additional Comments: Excellent. I am glad I took the time to read this piece. I will probably look for more of your work in the future.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi Seffi.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read your short story "Lost Girl" , which I found when on the main page listing of things to review and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: Now this is impressive! You have a way with words that held me captive from the first sentence!
Characters: Wow. Well done. I can visualize them so clearly and love how you were able to dramatize them!
Setting: I love shows like CSI and that sort of thing. You did an excellent job of detailing the interrogation room and setting the feel in there.
Plot: Had me hooked. Wow not much I can say other than I loved it.
Favourite Part: The part about names being powerful - that was fabulous and you brought it full circle which gave me chills!
Suggestions: Only found on flaw and that was minor - broken should be broke in. Other that that. Great.
Additional Comments: You should have entered the contest! This is fabulous. A definite winner as far as I can see. I will be looking forward to reading more of your work. Definitely keep writing. You got some talent in those veins. Loved it!!!
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi LivingWords.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read your short piece "IMPRISONED LOVE" , which I found when I was looking over the main page and was intrigued by your subject and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
Overall Impressions: Excellent piece with lots of potential. I can see you taking this further and drawing it out into something longer. I could feel your pain and the frustration of the time you have lost.
Characters: You define your characters as the narrator - as I do not want to assume it is you, yourself - and the man who has been incarcerated. Your thoughts and feelings are strong and defined, the man is more vague but he does not need definition. He is enough to be the one who has done this to you. Well done here I would say.
Setting: The setting is implied as the prison and later your home where things fall apart.
Plot: There is a story there - a kernel of one. I am intrigued.
Favourite Part: I love some of your language - "stitched in memory" is powerful.
Suggestions: Looking back at the top, I notice you have this as poetry - I do not think I would call it that - not sure what I would call it but, I see it as a kernel of something bigger. It could be developed into a short story. I can see the potential. Keep at it.
Additional Comments: Well done, I thought.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Hi A*Monaing*Faith.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
I have just read your story "A.I. Music" , which I found when I realized you had written a contest entry for the Writer's Cramp prompt I too had attempted. I was curious about your piece and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. It is also my first attempt at reviewing using a review template.
Overall Impressions: I found your piece to be quite interesting. I am always amazed at the different stories and poems that form from one little prompt. Yours was well written and thought out.
Characters: I was interested in your characters. I did get a bit confused though when you would call one character by her full name Angelina and then switch it to the short version. Though I would have to say, when I first read Angey it read it as Angry - which I thought seemed appropriate - and had a good chuckle)
You did a good job of describing each of them and their relationship to one another.
Setting: I was able to visualize this and I thought you did a good job. I could see them sitting there on that bench watching her devour her pie.
Plot: Interesting take on the prompt - music as a medium of control. I am not so computer literate and some of your references through me, but overall I thought it was good.
Favourite Part: I like that they get up and have to move off so she does not see them spying on her. I also think it is funny that you have the music control her to eat a whole pie. Is she already fat? I got the impression, with her jogging, that she was health conscious but you also call her gluttonous.
Suggestions: I would only have to say that you do not change the names of the characters - either Angelina or Angey but not both.
I also wanted to know more about the couple's relationship.
Additional Comments: I thought you handled the prompt quite well and came up with an interesting story.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
Well written. It resonates for me in a way that brings back memories of unrelenquinted love in high school. Sorry I am not sure if I spelt that word right and I am not sure how to fix it.
I remember wanting to not obsess about someone and all you mention is so true - and so heartfelt - you can feel your agony at being in this position.
I like the unstructuredness of free verse - you ride it well and the poem speaks loud and clear.
I was intrigued and considering the other poetry of yours that I have read I have enjoyed I am back again.
I love what you have to say and how you say it. Free verse is really your thing - or one of your things anyway.
I do not suffer the bite of anxiety to the level it debilitates me but I have worked with students who struggle with it. Even the moments it does creep into my life resonate in your poem.
I love how you describe the anxiety that prowls through you life in the first stanza. That is the part that resonates with me.
I like the development of the poem, how the second stanza looks to find a way to control it. You taking charge.
The final stanza reaches for the light and the hope for the future.
Really well done. Thank you for sharing your piece. I enjoyed reading it.
I love the repetition and the patterning. I had not realized on the first read that the last word of each set is the first word that gets repeated. Cool effect.
You stayed true to the essence of the poem and I think you nailed it.
It is like life in a nutshell - all we experience over our life times.
I enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you so much for sharing.
There is so much to like in this. Overall the impression is one of haunting pain - wanting to say but not feeling heard.
If I had to pick a favourite stanza - it would be this:
You look, but do not see me
You touch, but do not feel
You hear, but do not listen
You take but never steal
It is that haunting feeling of not being appreciated or thoroughly KNOWN. The pain emanates from this verse and it resonates for me.
I like the images of words being precious cargo. That is potent.
Words described as snowflakes in the air, floating and melting - was another image I thought was lovely.
The rhyming pattern is well done, but I had one issue with 'I do not dare to share them' - reading it out loud helped me get a feel for the flow and it needed to be there I think it just had me momentary stumble.
I really liked this poem. Thank you for sharing it.
I would say it is potent enough to expand on and turn into something intriguing. I am not a huge dark genre fan but I am challenging myself this month with tiny bits and poems. This is well done. I am not freaked out and that is good. My curiosity is peeked and I want to know more. It has the makings of turning into something bigger. The great 'what is' the IT?!
I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your wee piece.
A Halloween Review from "Invalid Item" for our group Review Raid!
I decided to peruse your portfolio because I enjoy the reading challenge and wanted to know a bit about you. Love your site. I will have to come back but I just wanted to sample something of your writing. I like what I see.
You in a nutshell? I doubt it - there are so many sides to all of us - this I am sure is only a small component to who you really are and all the hats you wear.
I thought it funny that you put lover in the stanza with Word Champion and Vice President - lovely fun! well done.
I have many roles as well. I will definitely have to think about my own. Some big, some small but all bits of the me that is me.
Thanks for sharing this Fran. I enjoyed reading it.
I like to read poetry, but I am in no way a scholar of it, so please take my comments as only my mere opinion.
I felt your piece flowed very well. The images played in my mind, drawing me in.
I am glad it was only a dream. I am not a huge fan of scary stuff, but this is the month of October and the challenge is to review the more scary genres. I loved this. Thank you for not scaring me, but also making me think - that yes, I too would be brought to my knees if I lost the love of my life.
I really like the last stanza.
I enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for sharing it.
Wow! That is a powerful piece. It held me transfixed. I am glad it ends with you 'standing solid on the shore'. A positive, strong ending to someone who has gone through so much.
I will have to read it again as there is so much emotion and potency to it.
I love the first two lines as well.
It tells its tale well and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing it.
Well done. I loved the flow of your poem. The words followed the rise and fall of the vapour in a way that was peaceful and calming.
Excellent imagery. I liked the analogy of it being a beast trying to escape and then 'retreating slowly, obediently'
I also liked the image of the dancers and them flitting from one partner to another - like vapour - ever moving.
Thank you for sharing your poem. I enjoyed reading it.
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