Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!
TITLE, DESCRIPTION;: An interesting and catchy title, it really caught my eye. Description fits, but to draw readers I would use it to give a hint at the storyline, I expected another vampire story, it sounds like more than that when read.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS:: Nice use of crisp, punchy sentences to ramp up reader interest, it works very well and creates a fast, entrancing pace to the story. I thought I was reading a male perspective in the beginning. I like how the main character's thoughts follow each other, very natural, although I wondered whom the character was speaking to?
PLOT; FLOW;: Since this is only a brief intro, the plot isn't really fully clear - but the hint of things to come is very interesting and I definitely wanted to read more! Flow is fast, even paced and very natural sounding as to how a person's thoughts normally flow when speaking passionately.
Characters, Dialogue:: I liked your main character, sure of herself, strong-minded, able to look at self honestly. Slightly defiant.
IMAGERY; EMOTION:: I would like to have seen a little more imagery used to set location and to be able to see this character, is she small statured, uses hand gestures when speaking, writing? With what? Is she inside, outside, where? Weather? Pull us into her world so we are firmly snared.
Emotion is strong and very easy to get caught up in, one feels what she feels, outrage.
Favorite Lines/Parts:: Opening, it provides questions in readers to keep them in the story. Same with the ending.
SUGGESTIONS;:
Just a few little things I felt might improve flow and impact of words.
Paragraph One:
Para1; a lie, and really, [ period after 'lie', delete 'and, really,] redundant and wordy. She's strong, she'd know for sure]
Contrary to popular belief, no No, they do not. have to [ smoother, stronger wording.]
PARA2 nights on Fridays,[ try period to break up sentence] I went... made me stutter. [ shudder ?- why would they make her stutter?]
Is 'everything is great' meant sarcastically? if no, why is her life a cliché? A bit confusing there. cliché, something had... [ needs comma]
PARA4; believes me. and really smoothes flow, strengthens her character]
CLOSING THOUGHTS;:
A truly interesting start to your novella, plot and premise sound strong and well planned. I was really hooked and cannot wait to read more of this novella!
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