A true story on abuse and neglect in a work enviroment
by: Lexi
Lexi this is a dreadful experience to have undergone I fully understand, because as a nurse myself, I have also worked in some appalling facilities in Australia - and often management will turn a blind eye.
I think your bringing this to the attention of other readers is a good idea; we had a site in Australia, where people could lodge complaints called www.notgoodenough.com.au but you were not allowed to mention the companies names, which tended to undermine things a tad.
Never the less, this Public Awareness through the written word can be very effective.
Great Story, as when others' read this piece and the review, they may be inclined to report such incidents (their consciences may get the better of them!)
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My Comments
You may need above average intelligence to read and understand and action this information, it will take me a few times to read and react...but I think in principle, it sounds useful! 8/10 for his intelligent devising of this tool and that translates to my 4.5 here.
while sending my mouth watering taste buds on a glorious ride.
Perhaps this would read better as:
while sending my taste buds on a glorious, mouth watering ride...
***
Food is my quiet comfort.
With each bite taken, it envelopes me in a heavy blanket of warmth, while filling the gaping wound
inside my heart.
Overall Comments
You have set this out beautifully, coupling the comfort and pleasure with the guileful food and temptation's repercussions, in a way that has the reader accompanying dolefully, with you - the angst such perfidious appeal as the victuals described, attend on us!!
written for my great grandmother after she passed away
by: Shel
An Excerpt
She went back to the heavens, looked down from the sky
She said "Thank you God, but why did I die?"
The Lord looked at her with eyes all so true
and said "To Come Home", and with that her heart flew.
She thanked the lord, for bringing her home
but wanted his help with one thing alone.
"there is someone down there, who is sad and afraid,
she doesn't know how to live with the life that she's made"
*** These were my two favorite stanza's
There is nothing correct or incorrect about the last two, but aesthetically (visually) they appear slightly at odds with the previous stanza's...
Nothing at all wrong with the wording or meaning... it's just a thing I have, and not really important - with symmetry...
Overall Comments
I thought this was a beautiful commemorative verse and think it's first-rate that you loved your Great-Grandmother so much that you have written this piece in Her Memory
...a glimpse into an evening of a loner at his favorite pub.
by: Lord Corwin
An Excerpt
Barry lifts up his eyes and glares at Roger. Roger retreats a step. After two or three seconds, Barry lowers his eyes back to his drink. Roger shrugs his shoulders and walks to the far end of the bar where the waitresses and waiters make their drink orders. He then grabs a rag and walks the perimeter of the bar, scans its surface, and wipes it with the rag in half a dozen places.
Comments
I liked this story for the following reasons; for me, it had those X Facor ingredients of all good writers that - je ne sais quoi - a certain indescribable something.
The story is short, about a page long (A4-ish) but packs in full characterization of both Barry & Roger - and depicts a great little sketch!
Anything Lacking?
Well, it is only a short sketch.. but I would've liked to know why Barry was sombre...
The following points were helpful to me, i.e. they gave me a new perspective on the way others' may interpret my review - or ways in which the recipient of a review may wish to have clarification and justification for ratings and comments given:
***
Criticism that encourages and truly helps is ideal, and it is what we should strive for as reviewers. In classes and at Writing.com, I have seen constructive criticism at its best, and I truly thank those who are helpful and encouraging in their reviewing.
***
Explain yourself! Give a brief explanation (just a few words will suffice) as to why you give the rating that you give to a piece. Every rating, from 1.0-5.0 deserves an explanation! It will help the writer understand your thinking and your review.
... Last Words...
I've been a part of Writing.com now for... umnn - nearly 6 months, and I have now learnt much of what this essay is about... it is worth a read by new and older members though; we all need refresher courses from time to time.
I am rating this as 4.5 for the presentation of information, and the message as I find it, in relation to my own way of reviewing - i.e. extra things to consider when reviewing.
- Honorable Mention - in the Make Me Laugh Fantasy Competition...
An Exerpt
An eerie calm settles in at this moment, the calm of those who are simply too overwhelmed to be otherwise.
***
Everyone around the globe knows the exact time of his own locale’s sunrise by this point. Some are glued to the TV to see what will happen next. Others, what Maggie and I are doing: waiting quietly, patiently, accepting whatever it is that will be their – whatever will be our – fate.
Comments
Ed Dobbins certainly knows how to put words to their best use! What a story teller! Very Impressive tale!
Not a word out of place - no typo's, no extraneous - anything; an expert, obviously!
A swallow, a raven and a heron fly into a bar... the heron forsees death and destruction.
by: Edward M. Sledge
The Winner of
Make Me Laugh Fantasy Contest
by: dreamteller
Excerpt
“I’m a seer,” Grokko croaked, sticking his long neck over Kirrit’s shoulder.
“Pleased to meet you,” the raven said, hopping back. Kirrit breathed a sigh of relief, glad to have that sharp beak pointed somewhere else. “I’m Carrak, a finder.”
“Have you found a duck-faced pigeon, by any chance?” Grokko asked eagerly.
Comments
Perfect! This story is enchanting; a whimsical reverie, taking us into the realm of make believe, and unobserved, we engage in this Avian Tale
e.g.
But knowing that he gone from me forever and enough time has passed to heal the loss...
What I Liked
LOL!
this passage ... We were talking about the kitten and calling the kitten by the new name,“Ming.”
Daniel said, “Nonnie, Taylor, Quit calling him that.”
I said, “ What is it, Daniel? Don’t you like his name that we gave him?”
I said,“We named him, Ming.”
Daniel replies, “No! He’s not Mean. He’s a nice kitty.”
***
A lovely story, just go and have a look for those typo's - no big deal, the story is wonderful!
...In fall, they had to part once more,
He back to the next level;
She, to the college in town.
Once full of love and laughter,
Messages from her came
Slower and shorter each time.
Soon, by Christmas, they stopped.
By end of semester, he heard
She gave her love to another.
His heart turned to stone.
Years passed, he earned a fortune,
But he never had a family.
At last the loner returned home
To find his lost love not only
Another’s wife, but a mother.
He stood in the background,
Knowing her husband could be ruined.
He had the means; he had the hate.
Then he saw her face in his mind
And packed the hate away.
...
This is a wonderful story in verse .. I hung on every word. Loved it!
I hope others will go and have a look at the full verse - you'll be glad you did, I'm sure.
since more times thenthan not the device would sit in a clump of tangled colorful wire and tiny pieces
***
gritting his teeth from the weight, he sat it on the ground; it made a large thud as it settled.
***
rubbed his hands together, and parsed them slightly breathing into them. [what is parsed?]
What I liked
An example of the humour in this story...
You wrote:
He stepped to the back and knelt to press the buttons on the remote. “Come on!” He said pressing the buttons over and over; in frustration he gave the remote a few smacks. The first blue light lit up. He clapped his hands together and his faced filled with joy. He pressed a few more buttons on the remote and the second light lit up. The rumbling of the device settled a little as the third light lit up. He jumped in the air with excitement, even dancing a little.
and LOL!
He felt the back of his pants and they were soaked from the water coming from the melting ice. He wouldn’t be flying over the town with his new device or they would think the liquid was coming from his pants,{c/}
... and the last line is Fantastic!
Overall Comments
This is a very funny story - the writer has a knowledge of a subject, and uses it well in the story.
There is humour, adventure and a good ending!
Just fix those mistakes... and not just the inventions, either!
It has been months since the girls, Elizabeth and Abigail began to show signs of Evil's presence. Many lives have been ended, but with our help, their souls have been saved.
But, what is this? I hear more footsteps coming up the street. They must be coming for another accused. They are close now, another neighbor of mine perhaps? But they are stopping….at my door…I hear their loud, booming voices, crying out, “Mary Bradbury!” My God! My name! “Mary Bradbury! Come out and face us!”
"I do plead not guilty. I am wholly innocent of such wickedness." - Mary Bradbury
***
This is always a fascinating subject for research; and I would have liked to see a little more on what actually set the witch hunt off and carried the momentum; I believe that it had a lot to do with current religious standards of the time, but was also used as a convenient, expedient way of getting rid of one's enemies!
Many people would love to cause us pain, injury or even death. Some wish we didn't exist at all. We're cursed, ridiculed, shot at, cut, beaten, ambushed or murdered in cold blood by some. Would you ever imagine that we're here for those people also? Would you believe that we're the only thing that stands between you and them?
***
We see innocent little children that have no choice but to live in dirty, smelly, roach infested homes because their parents would rather sit on their butts and live on welfare in a government funded housing complex, or a house that is not fit for human habitat, than to get out and get a job. Parents that would rather spend more, if not all of their money getting high on drugs, than taking care of their children, and raising them in a clean environment. Some of the parents are only children themselves.
xxx slight error:
Yet, our job is one that looks appealing to some of you. Especially when you see
[we stopped for lunch.]
We've heard some of you say things like "I wish I had a job that would pay me to sit around and eat." Of course, you don't think that the very next minute we may be fighting for our lives, or yours.
My Overall Comment
Well, I have to say Sarge has done a good job of showing the other side of the Them & Us case; because, for most of us, the police seem another breed;Sarge is certainly one of the best of them.
Sarge is a policeman, and this poignant piece of writing tells the story of a policeman's shift...
Sarge wrote:
At that time I thought that I just might be in the wrong profession. Who am I to try and console these kids? Who am I to try to justify or explain the death of their father? I dealt with it the best I could.
****
I got into my patrol car and began to drive. Dispatch gave me a call of a "gas theft" that had just occurred. I went to the gas station and got the information from the clerk. He was very concerned. I asked how much gas was stolen. It was a few bucks worth. I thought to myself a few lousy dollars, who cares about a few dollars? But I told him that I would work on it and see if I could find the person.
***
It's as if life was a glass water globe with snow in it and someone shook it up. Things were all messed up. I know that the "snow" will settle very soon, but I also know that the "snow" will never be the same when it does.
Overall Comments
A story that has been simply told - very well. The language is plain, but manages to convey powerfully, the range of variable responses that are experienced by the police while on duty.
And ten years before that my brother was sent to a war across the sea, where his legs remained even after he returned. His wounds healed, the bruises fade, but the pain remained, in his eyes, from now until forever. And nothing would ever be the same
Innocence gone
I like your short, sharp style; and the story is sad, and poignant.
If, on the other hand, we feel the reviews were given without concern or just to meet the criteria for entering this competition, then we will TOSS OUT that entrant and randomly choose another.
A very nice poem; wistful, echo's and resonates around in the mind.. and leaves a good feeling.
Overall Comments
You Wrote:
Content to trade
my love
For talk
and smiles.
.. I think the poem displays good self knowledge, or insight, i.e. it appears that you are talking about yourself, and after some reflection, have decided to record thoughts for posterity... very nice.
Arrrrgh! None! Nothin' for a Poor Pirate to munch over Hrrumph..
What I liked:
I loiked yer family values... Arrrgh.. remoinds mea' when oi was still a good un meself!
You Wrote: (Brings tears to me oiys..)
Friendly reparte' is heard along the route as parade participants recognize neighbors, co-workers, friends and family who have come to cheer for them. Cub Scouts pull wagonloads of iced drinks down the street, raising money for summer camps or troop projects.
I was an "army brat" when I was small and was convinced I was "issued" instead of being born,
Issued? Hrrumphh! Proparly done, What? Pirate or No' we loike orda 'round heeeaarrRR! Hrumphhh!
Overall Comments:
Well, blow me doown! I'ts 'ardly a BIG autobiographynow, is it me old Darlin'? Nevvarrr Moind! What there was of it, was good, Aaarrrgh! Time tay off and raid heavier cofferrrrs!
The contrasting first and third verses do a good job of separating both the ambivalence, and contending emotional actions and response between child and parent;
You wrote:
My mother's voice was loud and harsh;
She yelled a lot when she was angry.
Her face became a scary mask,
And she would shake her hand in my face--
Just before she hit me.
and...
My mother's voice was soft and gentle;
Every night she would read to me.
Her face would glow from her warm smile.
Every night she would pray for me,
And tuck me into bed.
**A nice Elegy,
Regards
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I fully understand, because as a nurse myself, I have also worked in some appalling facilities in Australia - and often management will turn a blind eye.
******
Are younger members rating your item lower than the adults?
your 
(what do these refer to?)
....
