I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Writing to organisations is a great way to get your voice heard and to practice your writing skills
You write a very strong argument here and I don't think whoever read this could ignore it. You were very forceful with your words, yet direct to and to the point. You did not exagerated the issue (which in the heat of the moment some might do).
I am sad to read this. It sounds like a great injustice has been done.
Suggestions on areas to improve
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"Never gave him a chance to defend himself, ask questions or explain himself..Maybe it should read 'You never'...or 'They never'...
"and for all it stands. I thought it would better written 'and all it stands for.'
"I will never, ever be a part of the American Cancer Society again
Typos/Corrections
I didn't spot any
Final Words...
I know this was written for a different audience but as it was posted here I would have liked to have had more background to this. The details about Isaac's dismal are sketchy. I would have liked to have known more. Did you ever find out why this happened? Also what came of your letter...did you get a response?
On another note Isaac sounds like an interesting character. Someone you might like to write a seperate article about.
I try and make my reviews both helpful and enjoyable. I hope you enjoy this review!
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
"You're making this very hard for us!" he laughed. "He's coming to Open Mic Night because I'm going to ask SMs to marry me!" AHHHH what a moment!
The more I read of this story the more I enjoyed it. Of course I have read many different versions of the story but it was nice to read yours.
You tell the story very well. I really loved your style. I was completely engrossed.
You have a nice balance of description and dialogue and add touches of thoughts and emotions. It makes for a very absorbing read.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"I wasn't told about the plan of engagement until weeks later after StoryMaster had asked StoryMistress's father if he could marry her." I thought this opening line was quite awkwardly structured.
I would also start this piece differently. At the moment it seems the reader has joined you mid conversation. A little more background would be good. Perhaps something about who is who. Or start by setting the scene.
I thought this line was akwardly phrased "Being that SMs and I are very close every day of the year" Do you mean to say that you are close as in your relationship, or close in that you spend a lot of time together?
"I looked over at Denise" You might like to mention that Denise is SM's mother so we can easily connect the two bits of info.
The layout could do with a little improving.
Typos/Corrections
I didn't find any
Final Words...
I am sure this convention has brought back memories of the last. This time you can sit back and enjoy it without the butterflies in your stomach.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I thought the autors note was interesting to read and offers a much needed background to the item.
"When no one else was willing to help me, a complete stranger said she would take me in WOW! This lady sounds like a very unique and special person. I can see why you chose to write the letter to her.
I loved the poem at the end. It was a really nice touch and I found comfort from reading it myself.
I am really glad I came across this piece. I would love to know more about this special lady. Perhaps you could write an article about her and the work she does.
This is a very touching item. I am moved by your words. I am sure they brought some comfort to Leslie. Everyone needs to hear and to know that they are loved, especially when they are scared.
Suggestions on areas to improve
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
Regarding the use of colour I have noticed that less looks better. The same goes for the use of bold. I think the expection to this rule is when creating contests etc.
There is one word in the authors note that might not be E rated. I will leave you to find it rather than paste it here.
This is a very personal piece so I will not offer suggestions on how to improve it. That would not be suitable here.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
trying to call everyone and getting through to no one I love the easy going style of lines like this. It conveys so much more than just the action itself.
I liked the part about the child sad that her holiday is ruined. I thought that was realistic.
I am not familiar with New York but I would guess that a lot of people worked and lived and were involved in that one area - so even if they were far away, all their lives would be linked to the place. It makes for a good drama. Sad that it is so true...I just thought as well, were schools closed at this time? Were New Yorkers likely to be away on holiday? If so then it makes it even more realistic.
I liked the scene in the restraunt. I think you created the right atmosphere there.
"It felt like we were all from the same place even though some of the people weren't even from the U.S." This is a good point. I think with all tragedy there is a feeling of togetherness. It is amazing how groups that have nothing in common are able to come together to help each other for the common good.
I am glad you put in the bit about the Muslim girl. I have read that Muslims died in the attacks and as a Muslim myself I know that our community is against these attacks. I have family in the States and I have heard that life has been harder for them since all of this happended. So your element in the story is a realistic side of this event.
Throught greater understanding about Islam, God-willing we will be able to get rid of these misconceptions that shroud our religion. I have attempted to address these misconceptions through my writings here and I have very pleased with the response I have had. This article was written in response to what happened and it might interest you "Invalid Item"
The ending was very good. I was interested to see how you would end an item like this and it was very fitting. It reflected the child's age and innocence and left the reader with hope, and we all need that!
Suggestions on areas to improve
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"trying to find a way home for just himself" I thought this statement was rather awkward. (When you read on it makes more sense, but the explaination needs to come before this point).
After reading the first paragraph I think that it would have been better placed in some kind of diary form. There is a lot of introspection. If you want to tell the story then the child has to 'do' more and think less. Show rather than tell.
You said the restaurant was really quiet - that may be, but I am sure there was so gasps and some "I don't believe it" like words uttered from the other dinners. By focusing such details you create a more complete picture of how things might have been.
Maybe the father thought it was safer if the kids stayed behind, but as a reader I thought it was odd because so much was going on back home, and their uncle died. Perhaps mention more about the parents reasoning behind the decision.
"She lost her sister who worked in Tower Two and she is just as sad as I am about all this" Would she not be a lot sadder? This girl was enjoying herself at disney, and her friend had lost her sister. Perhaps the level of emotion needs to be revised.
Typos/Corrections
I didn't spot any
Final Words...
I think there would be many readers who would be interested in reading this. You cover some interesting issues and highlight one families struggle to come to terms with events.
I would have liked to have seen you add more depth to the piece. Perhaps more description would have helped that. This was a story without dialogue and maybe that would have helped too.
I am glad I read this and I think you captured the child's age very well in this piece.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
"The blackness of the deed swirls around me in the fog." Very poetic. I liked this line!
Great ending! It was very fitting. I was wondering where this story was going and I was surprised and pleased by the ending. Asking for forgiveness can enable one to move on in their life. I find it very beneficial to say I am sorry when I have done something wrong. Guilt eats up at you. You have covered a very important point in this piece.
I like the emotion in this piece. Realistic characters are the complex ones.
Suggestions on areas to improve
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
The opening line didn't grab my attention. It is rather flat.
Mentioning of the same phrase about the fog and day is quite boring. It does not add much to the item. I would try taking a different direction instead.
"The jail guards bring me places Did you not mean 'takes you places'?
I would work on the layout of this piece. The paragraph structure is all over the place.
Typos/Corrections
I didn't find any typos
Final Words...
I liked the story and what it represented. But I felt that it could have been developed further.
I would have liked to have read more about the background to the crime, the victims etc.
You mentioned that he went to counselling. Perhaps you can narrate what they discussed. I think the reader needs to be shown more about Tomas, what he was like before and who he had become.
Amazing what you can create in so few words! You transported me into a very different world.
I try and make my reviews both helpful and enjoyable. I hope you enjoy this review!
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I could answer the age question more easily if someone asked me how old my body was todayA fantastic point! Well said!
Once I got to grips with the meaning of this essay I really liked what I was reading. It is very insightful about the ageing process.
I loved the relationshiop you formed between wrinkles and stories. Very interesting. It is also great to see things in such a positive fashion.
I loved the ending. Upbeat and humours. Great touch!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"For one thing today I don't feel as old as I probably look. And yesterday I didn't look as old as I really felt. I had to read this sentence a few times to understand the meaning. I would consider trying to revise it because it is such a crucial part of the opening.
Here is how I would revise it }"For one thing today I don't feel as old as I look. And yesterday I didn't look as old as I really felt.
This might add great clarity to your words.
I think the layout of this piece could really do with some work.
This piece is rather short and I have two suggestions about that..one is make it longer You have sooooo much more you could add to this piece.
What are your thoughts on ageing? How does society see the old? Does this all bother you? What about talking about fashion and vanity and keeping up with the younger generation. These are all angles you could explore.
With such a short piece I think you fell into the trap of repeating yourself a little. I would look over this and try and change a few words around. You can say the same thing, but it doesn't have to sound the same
Typos/Corrections
I didn't spot any
Final Words...
I love reading items like this. They are a window into the authors life. Fascinating stuff.
I try and make my reviews both helpful and enjoyable. I hope you enjoy this review!
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
Sometimes, he would hoist me or my younger sister onto his bike handles and drive us down the gravel road A very visual picture. I like it when I am able to see what you see.
"How I loved the crackle of the pebbles beneath the tires. I loved this line. It is great to use all your sense in writing a piece. Also this line tells us a lot about the character. Their mood etc.
"was to call home for the next few years This line came as a shock. You tell the story so well it as if the reader is following the journey you took.
I loved all the dialogue. You use it so well to move the story along. I liked the fact that you began with dialogue. When you write it so well it really enhances the piece.
I loved the descriptions in this piece. They are so very important. The small gestures etc. They really add a certain quality to the story.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"ham radiophone What is it? Maybe I am just dumb lol
Who is Glen? Do you say? It is an important point.
I thought that this piece was rather rushed. This is a very important story to tell, and whereas you focus on the polio the rest of his life is rushed through at break neck speed. There is so much more we could learn.
If you have time I suggest you try and flesh out the other areas. Maybe even create a few chapters regarding the seperate parts of his life. You must have met him over the years right? It would have been nice to have read about those experiences. What he said? What his kids were like? The things you did together?
Cancer is also a huge illness and although he lost his battle, maybe by sharign some of his experiences others will find courage and hope.
Typos/Corrections
" At 16, he was very athletic and loved to go outside to the log house his dad built on their modest farm and kick the ball around with his older brothers". This is a long awkward sentence. I would consider revising it.
I would look at the layout. It needs a little work.
Final Words...
I can see you have a talent for telling stories and I love reading about real life events they have so much to teach us.
Glen had so much to give and to share with the rest of the world. This was a very inspiring read, that has great potential to be improved.
I try and make my reviews both helpful and enjoyable. I hope you enjoy this review!
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
a fire that will die,
a moon that will darken. I am not sure what it is about these words, but when I read it to myself they sounded beautiful. Very poetic!
Here again I love your soft, easy flowing style. man that I am--
father, lover, watcher
I loved the fact that you were able to capture so many elements into this piece. You hear things and see things. The piece discuss parenting, and nature. I enjoyed reading all these over lapping elements.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I don't think you mention taste and smell. Maybe bringing these elements into the piece would enhance it.
Typos/Corrections
I didn't spot any
Final Words...
I think this is a very personal memory, and it is nice that you are able to capture it in this way.
I hope such writings are something you can share and enjoy with your kids.
I try and make my reviews both helpful and enjoyable. I hope you enjoy this review!
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
It is a very interesting story and it was enjoyable to read.
The details were to the point, and you don't have us going off in some strange direction. It keeps this piece short and to the point. A good thing when you want to keep your readers attention and want them reading to the end!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"She lived alone after my stepfather died, that I knew." One would assume you knew that.
"flew with me to Phoenix to carry out her wish." What was her wish? What did you have to do to make it happen? It seems you have left some gaps out of the beginning of this item. Your mother wanted to move, and you then did what? I am assuming you help her move. But from what I read that was not exactly clear.
I re-read the whole episode when you replay the info. on the radio. I appreciate you trying to keep up the suspense for the reader, but I was lost. I had to read it a few times and even then I was not sure what was going on. I think more details would help. What exactly did you see? And was there nothing else the radio reporter said?
The layout needed work. It is a series of sentences rather than paragraphs.
Typos/Corrections
A well written read, with no mistakes in it (that I spotted )
Final Words...
Life is amazing. Your conclusion was very interesting. I am amazed that this all happened to a few ordinary folk.
I love reading items like this. Non-fiction can be so much more interesting than the stories in our head. What is also funny is that you might relay this story to someone and they could easily mistake it for fiction.
I try and make my reviews both helpful and enjoyable. I hope you enjoy this review!
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I love the vocab you use in this piece. I am always impressed when people can explain themselves so well.
I liked the title. It was different. It immediately caught my attention.
I was surprised to read that you ripped your book apart as you read it. Was this some kind of symbolic gesture? I am guessing that was the case, otherwise you could have just used a bookmark right
"I distinctly remember the regret I felt, especially at night in our camp, not being able to hold her and rock her as I had done so often with her brothers. A very touching point. It is details like this that add a new level to this piece. You are able to grab elements of history and travel etc. all in one piece. Nice work!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
"It is preserved silently in the dust and the ash and coarsely inhaled by the act of breath." - This is beautifully written almost like poetry. But to me personally it does not mean much. There were lines similar to this dotted around the piece. I find history very complicated and I thought there were times in your piece when you missed the opportunity to make it clearer.
Typos/Corrections
I didn't find any typos. I was very impressed by the quality of your writing.
Final Words...
Your conclusion was interesting. I think what you were trying to say is that you have educated your daughter about history, and you have (as I can see from this piece a great appreciation of it) and you want to pass that on to her, whilst sparing her some of the tragedy of it all? That was what I read from it anyway.
As I said I have a hard time grasping history but it is good to share the knowledge we have with others and it is interesting that you know so much about it all.
Growing up is hard enough without having to deal with all this. I hope you find comfort and love else where. May your faith in God help you to be strong and in time I hope your prayers are answered.
Keep praying and stay strong. I can only imagine how hard it is. But do it for yourself.
I am sure writing this brought back some memories. You describe that time very well. As a reader I was able to see a little of what you went through.
It was an emotional journey and a touching ending.
The rhythm and rhymed worked generally quite well. Although, I personally didn't like the way this line was phrased 'but the tears couldn't come.' I would have written 'but the tears wouldn't come.' or 'the tears failed me'. Just my opinion
I liked this line alot 'I went to my room, and huddled on my bed, wrapped in the blanket you made,' - describing physical and mental grief and you also stayed on topic.
A cool piece. I liked the way you created a place called writing.com that worked really well.
This was an interesting read and I can see you really tried to bring the chracters and the place to life.
Your character is almost like a new kid at school, and this persepective worked really well.
Suggestions
I would suggest updating this piece as Pita is no longer blue and that might get some ppl confused.
Maybe suggest how one changes their handle - it is one of the first thing a member might decide to do after they what everyone else is calling themselves.
If bids for sigs is not always running then I would perhaps link something else.
A nice entertaining read, whilst also being of benefit to newbies.
If knowledge is power, then your Extended Item Statistics are the nuclear reactors of your portfolio. - A cool opening.
'The Daily Views and By Hour sections provide information that will show you how well your promotional tactics are really working. ' This is a really good point and one I have used in the past.
The section with this in it 'Total Views This Month: This is the total views the item received in the current month.' all reads rather flat. A lot of the titles do not need further explaination.
I think this could be edited to offer the most important information. I appreciate you need resources that discuss the tools, but a lot can be worked out from actually going away and using them.
I think it is more effective to explain the complicated parts rather than explain everything.
Your conclusion seems strange when this is in fact on the web, but I totally understand the point that you are making.
I do miss handwritten letters - e-mails are sooo not the same. People tell you that they will e-mail you this and that, but you would much prefer a hand written note.
Take recipes for example. When they are e-mailed to you, you then have to either print them out or copy them down. Much nicer to see a friend's hand written recipe on your fridge I think.
I myself tend to write my stories straight on to computer, and what with essays needing to be typed etc. I do think that the written word is dying.
You make some good points in this article. It is interesting, and I like the relaxed tone of it.
Perhaps you could include some advantanges and disadvantages of computers. Also, maybe make some moe predictions of how you see the future.
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a very funny read. I am not a mother but I think any adult reading this will find it amusing and can relate to it on some level.
'clothes miraculously get washed (by elves, no doubt)'
You describe home life really well and make some interesting points.
I liked the ending too. I often see that people find it difficult to end comedy pieces, but you have done well.
Just one suggestion would be to have a line break between the paragraphs.
I am reviewing this because you posted in "Invalid Item"
A really interesting piece. I liked the Dr. and the main character. I thought you created their characters very well. Actually you had a lot of lively characters in this piece. All very different.
I did like the attention to detail in this piece. You compare one thing to another and really help us to see what is going on. However, I personally did feel that at times you over loaded us with descriptions and comparisons. Like at the end with Jordan's eye. Maybe I am wrong though.
This does seem to be a very bizzare story. I liked the setting of the mental hospital. That interested me. I enjoyed reading the scenes between the Dr. and Jack. I thought they were done really well. They interacted well togther.
When he is left alone in his room - that part got a little confusing.
And then the rest - it gets more confusing.
I think that is what you intended, and I think the reader is being challenged to stick with the story to work out what is going on. However, try and explain things now and then and don't leave too much in the dark otherwise we will be put off reading on.
You left the 2nd chapter ending on Jordan. Yet we still don't know enough about Jack. He is the main character and out sympathy should lie with him. If he was taken off then it would have been a better ending. However, I see this is totally a creative process and part of a bigger story. I am just point it out.
I have made some comments as I read through this piece...
down my skin - I would suggest changing it to back. Skin is general, but back is more appropriate I think.
It would be easier to read this if there were line breaks between paragraphs.
as well be eyes closing to look away in disgrace. - not sure about this line. Maybe you should scrap it or think about rephrasing it. You have mentioned elevator like three times in that paragraph and I don't if it a trait of the main chracter to be so observant, but at the moment it looks over the top.
'DING! DING! DING!
Elevators shut one by one in front of me'
You might want to be more specific about the noise they make. How they travel down the shaft. Do they usually open in unison?
'I hear a squeal to the left. ' he obviously turns to see, but you don't mention this.
I liked this line 'and leans up against the chalk-white wall like he’s been holding it up all along' not only shows what the characters are doing, but how they are relating to one another.
'fluorescent-lit corridor' - nice attention to detail.
'He stares at me and me at him' - He stares at me, and I stare at him.
Instead, he pulls out a notepad and a gnawed-on red pen from the inside pocket of his labcoat. His other hand holds a folding chair. - how does he manage to pull out and hold three items? Does he put the chair down?
'I’m here because I don’t know anybody who’d say otherwise' I would have liked to have seen a better answer from the guy.
'and the other guests' - I like that.
'He says that I’m out of the frying pan… when his pep talk is lost in the roar of others. And then its hush-hush little Jackie; those voices belong to you. ' - this is getting very confusing.
'Three and a half pairs of eyes' - half?
' “My name is Angie. What’s yours?”
“Jack.” ' no need for the introduction he already introduced them.
An interesting piece and I wish you well with completing it. I hope the suggestions help.
“What is life without that which makes it worth living?” - Who says this line?
kissing his wife three times - I would say once unless 3 is some kind of character trait.
I liked the description of him getting to his car. It gives us a taste for the kind of person he is.
He dropped his items into the back seat - the coffee would still be with him right?
He was a middle aged man, roughly 45, who had been married twenty-three years. - perhaps say twenty odd years. If you are not specific about the age then why be about the marriage.
The description of him is thrown in all together. Perhaps bring in little bits here and there. Compare him physically with others, have him brush a hand through his hair etc. Say that it is good that you describe your character. Many forget to do this.
'yet very childlike' - acted very childlike. You already say how he looks.
It would be easier to read this if you had breaks between your paragraphs.
Description is good and you create a very visual picture here. I am still reading..but also wondering is this all necessary. In a longer piece such detail would be good, but it needs to be broken up with action and dialogue. At times this reads like a rushed over view of his entire morning. If it isn't relevant then edit some of it.
'“A day without a kiss is like a day without oxygen' - very touching.
but when he realized how much time had gone by - perhaps say he glanced at the clock.
I am probably being really picky lol But he says with such surprise '“It’s finished! I’ve done it!” ' yet didn't he see this reaction coming? He had only be working for a little while. This was not at the end of 24 hrs locked in his lab if you see what I mean.
'the trillions of dollars begging to be made.' I enjoy the style of your writing.
The second part of this story held my attention. A lot happened and we really got to grips with what the story was about.
I feel that you could edit a lot. Perhaps print this out. That might help. I only really understood the point to the story in the last third.
You cover some good scenes - like the accident etc. But everything happens really fast paced. Either slow it down and expand this to some sort of novel. Or if you want to leave this as a short story get to the point quicker. Too many irrelevant details means we don't get to the point until near the end.
I like the idea behind this piece. It is quite clever, and it touches on a very important question. The ending I felt was done very well.
I was just thinking that perhaps you might want to just have this fixed in two time frames - that day and then 15 years later. It is a bit all over the place when you move the story along in a disorganised manner.
When you have a change of scene indicate that with a line break of some sort.
An interesting story, but it needs some work. I hope my suggestions help a little.
It is amazing what you can create a story out of. I am well impressed by this. It really did have a beginning, middle and end.
At first I thought there was going to be something important written on the note, but obviously it was the symbolic nature of the note, and not the message it self that was important.
I really enjoyed your style of writing, and the way you built up the story. It was like you were playing a detective. The little details really brought the story to life and kept the pace moving.
Your writing has a somewhat relaxed, easy going feel to it.
I liked the internal dialogue, and the interaction with your husband. It was amusing and touching.
Did you miss your kids when you were sitting there?
I would just suggest you move the contest link to the bottom because it distracts from your story, even the prompt can be pasted at the end. This is a great story, contest entry or not.
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Suggestions on areas to improve 
Typos/Corrections 
I didn't spot any 
I know this was written for a different audience but as it was posted here I would have liked to have had more background to this. The details about Isaac's dismal are sketchy. I would have liked to have known more. Did you ever find out why this happened? Also what came of your letter...did you get a response?
Typos/Corrections 
I am sure this convention has brought back memories of the last. This time you can sit back and enjoy it without the butterflies in your stomach.
You have sooooo much more you could add to this piece. 