"I have just eaten some barbeque beef?" - I don't think you intend for the first line to read as a question, so I would remove the question mark.
"I have had worse in the past, but good grief," - I enjoyed the drama and tone of this line. Very well done.
"But had to tear it in order to eat." - Perhaps tear at it sounds better?
"At the time it took me to chew my meal," - I am thinking if you remove 'At' this would read better.
"It had a spicy tang and it was not
What I expected. The mash, beans and corn,
Would make any chef worth their salt, pour scorn" - I think the flow is interrupted here with periods in the wrong place, and I think a comma is needed after chef perhaps.
I loved the whole giving away the cookie.
I think air line food is good and bad. These days I try and order fish. I don't like the vegetarian stuff they do, and as I eat halal I find they think that means Indian food - which they don't do very well lol. It beats cooking your own though. I just love flying. My advice - stick with the fish .
This was an amusing piece.
Dreams
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I read this piece out loud and I recommend anyone who finds this on the public review page to do that. It made it more enjoyable to read. I think the piece flowed well.
I liked the passion in the piece. I think it is wonderful when you find a place such as this. I enjoyed your description of the nature there. However, I did feel that you could have said more in this piece. I wasn't convinced as to why you liked this place so much and thought lines like "With a love that is as strong as being a wife." - Didn't help in my understanding. You also mentioned gold rose and I think if it is significant then perhaps you can explain that.
Suggestions
"I never ask why?" - I don't think you need the question mark here.
I stumbled at this point in the piece "golden rose ring" perhaps you might look at changing the structure of this part.
"No matter how it is I'd love it anyway." - comma needed after is (I think)
"I sit, look at the mountains, the sand and the sea," - I think it should be looking.
"About Greece or Athens?" I don't think you need the question mark.
All the best
Dreams
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #931895 by Not Available.
Such generous words
"How could I be this lucky? It is so true
Without your love I'd never have got by."
The rhyme is there but could be improved. The meaning is very powerful and clear.
I am thinking that to perhaps improve the rhyme/flow you could add some commas. For example when looking at your first and third line (I read them out loud) and thought that perhaps this works better...
"Thirty seven years, of loving only you,
How could I be this lucky? It is so true" - I thought that the extra comma there helps the flow as you have a period in that third line, that obviously changes the flow.
I loved this part...
"I look at us, see we've come so very far,
But you are my love, my life, my guiding star," - It had just the right touch. Really good!
Write On!
Dreams
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #931895 by Not Available.
I was surprised by this piece. It is labelled as a comedy and I think the beginning lived up to that expectation. It was a very colourful description of your dreams.
However, the piece took on a more serious tone. I thought you were going to bring up the war in Iraq. I am glad you didn't mention any specific fight. I was against the war in Iraq. But can appreciate your desire to have your brother home safe.
I liked the piece but I think the two halves of the piece could be better put together. I personally felt the contrasting topic and emotions they conjure didn't work well. I do see though that theme of the rainbow is a joining thread.
I think this poll raises an interesting point about beauty. I was surprised about the results but glad that people don't think beauty is all about facial/physical appearance.
However, I do think I and most people would find it hard to adjust to a disfigurement of this nature. I think it would take a lot of time, support and reassurance to feel pretty again.
I found the results amusing. I voted with the majority, but what I thought was funny was that 10 people thought they were 'perfect in every way.' If that is the case then I am wondering what they are still doing on the site and why aren't they out there earning their millions. Perhaps they are dreaming big and thinking that you get more of what you focus on!
I thought the poll would have benefitted from the 3.5 etc. I also think that it is hard to judge your own performance. If I was to judge it against the norm then I think most of us on the site are above average, but there are some very talented people on here.
You were curious so I hope you are pleased with over 400 votes
I agree that if we have more visitors on writing.com then authors will benefit from more reviews. However, I am not too sure about the way of going about this.
You are asking the member to go to google and find sites that are related to our own. They are then asked to contact them. If this was done with an incentive from the site then I would agree that it is worth the effort. I don't think many would go to such trouble for the indirect advantage of getting more reviews on the site. I am glad you liked a group that is providing this incentive, without it I think the idea would fall at the first hurdle.
I also don't know how many webmasters would be interested in the site. It is a great site, but I think it will only really expand by genuine recommendations and not contacting anyone and everyone who might me remotely interested in what we do here. Maybe I am wrong though.
Your article is well set out and is very clear. I like the idea of the sample letter. I also liked the way you stated at the beginning that you have previously discussed direct ways as I am sure many would otherwise ask you.
This is a great site and it would benefit from more active reviewers, however, I am a little sceptical as to the success of this idea.
1.Informative
2.Reads well
3.A very moving piece.
4.Will stop and make you think.
You write very well. I loved the rhyme and flow of this piece. I love reading poetry when it is aswell written as this.
I liked the tone of this piece. The style was not forcefull, but there was a sadness in the air. And there should be considering the seriousness of the case.
You managed to write about this case in a sensitive manner, whilst giving a lot of details and facts. I am very impressed that you could do all this in a poem.
You said "It is my opinion" - letting the reader know that there is more than one side to the debate.
It is a very sad situation and your piece made me think more about it. You are right when questioning do we not have enough love to give. It is not jst about this case though. I think the problem goes a lot deeper with regards to our treatment of the disabled, elderly and mentally ill. May God help us to give more.
I thought this piece had a lot of potential. You have written quite a detailed piece with this tricky format.
I think the piece could benefit from some editing, but the subject matter was good. You covered a range of issues in the piece - sounds, nature, emotions etc.
I felt that the flow was just not quite right. I don't know if you count syllables but I think that might help to improve it.
In the last verse the first and final line don't really rhyme.
"I can't wait until I lunge, grab and hear you gasp " - I think a comma after grab would read better.
This is a very moving piece. I have never had anyone close to me die but I have thought about how that would feel. I can feel your pain in this piece. It must be very hard to face.
I am actually listening to a lecture about death - but it is talking about one's own and are we ready for the next life.
One thing I have never been able to understand is why people feel angry at the one who has died. It is something that is expressed by many who are grieving.
"Many people would have you believe
That all will come right in time,
But death words cannot relieve."
It was something in these lines that I felt needed work. I thought it could have been phrased differently and expressed a little better.
"Why I can't explain, just know," - the "just know" part seems rather awkward. I don't know. Perhaps if any other reviewer mentions it you could look at it again.
As I have said I have never been through it but it must take great strength and faith to get through it. May God make it easy for you.
I re-read this and I wanted to explain my rating. You have not made clear the subject but from having read this over I believe you are writing in support of euthanasia or mercy killing. For that reason I have rated this the way I have.
Regarding you writing - you write well and your piece conveys a love and a complete story. I had to read it twice but I eventually caught all the little details in this short piece. I always base my work on both content and writing, but wanted you to also know what I thought of your writing.
I only wish you would have shown the whole story. As you have stated this subject is controversial and I stand firmly on the other side.
Taking the life of an innocent person is murder and not a mercy killing. There is nothing merciful about it. God who is most merciful says do not kill the innocent person.
I accept we have differing opinions and thank you for allowing me to review this and for being able to publicly say I disagree.
This is a very sad and emotional piece. I am currently listening to a talk on romantic relationships in Islam and how we should treat the opposite sex. Divorce is a terrible thing. It is allowed, but these days it is so common. If only people took their marriage vows more seriously and guarded against sin.
I thought your last line was very powerful and should perhaps stand on its own.
I liked the structure of this piece. It works really well and flows well.
"You have refused my request and left me feeling bereaved," - You have moved away from the original format by adding 'feeling' here and in another line. I don't think that works so well.
I also think your title needs a question mark.
This is a very emotional piece. I am glad I came across it. It hightlights well the pain that sin can cause.
I read this out loud and I enjoyed it . It rhymed really well. What impressed me the most was your ability to tell such a complete story - with a conflict and all, in this restricted format.
I did feel at times that the sentences were too long and the rhyme did not work aswell as it could have. I think if you read this a few times you may pick up any problems with the flow.
This piece tells a complete story. I felt there were two strong emotions that came through - determination and bitterness. Maybe I am wrong.
It sounds like a very painful experience. Your daughter must have gone through a lot. I liked the description of the soldier. That worked well.
I strongly feel that children should have access to their fathers. There is a whole group set up here in the UK fighting for that. It is worrying when whole generations are growing up without fathers. Fathers think it is OK to walk away and Mothers and co. think that there kids are better off. This cannot be good for anyone. Fathers need face up to their responsibilities and only in certain circumstances should they be denied access. Just my opinion.
I like this piece. It is quite different to the usual stuff on here.
I like the whole theme of not being able to carry another person. I think many face this in life be it emotional or physical demands that are being asked of them.
I liked the use of the rock to symbolise strength and stability. However, I would suggest an authors note letting the reader know what the Rock of Gibraltar actually is. I have not heard of it and you obviously chose it for a particular reason so an explaination would help.
I really liked these words
"I cannot be your strength,
for I am but a single man."
However, I do think that you could develop this piece with some attention to detail.
For example, I cannot be your very (or total, complete) strength,
for I am but a single man.
That is just an example, but with an additional word here or there, you are able to give the reader something more. Hope that helps and Write On!
I like religious pieces like this. They speak to us all.
I like this line "You hear my whispers in the night". The night is a wonderful time to contemplate and to talk to God. I think many use it to pour their souls out.
I didn't like this line "You kneel to offer me a word" - I don't think God would do that as it suggests he is below us. I think we are the ones who should be prostrating to Him.
I liked the part about the angels. In my religion, Islam, we believe that angels are on each of our shoulders. One recording our good conduct and the other our bad.
I thought the ending was good and very true for us all. However, I did think the layout near the end needed a little work.
An interesting piece. I am not sure what to make of it really. I am not American so I don't know how this topic is being written about over there, but I had assumed when you said this was an eye witneess account you would mean it to be your own and not the statue of liberty's. That is what it is, right?
I think it is a very creative piece in that sense and you have conveyed your thoughts well. I just don't know if this topic needs more serious discussion then you have offered here.
I think it is terrible what happened and I can not imagine what is like to have witnessed that and how one would cope.
As a Muslim our religion has had to defend itself inlight of what has happened. Here on writing.com we wrote this piece to reach out to people "Invalid Item"
Your talk of imposing justice does not sit well with me. The world has seen what that means with Guantanomo and Iraq. It is not pretty picture and is in no way justice.
I think this is a very relevant issue and I am interested to read your thoughts on it...
This was written well and you made your points clearly. I don't think you neeeded the clarifications and apologises at the beginning. I think it might put some people off from reading further and it isn't that needed.
I think trust is a big issue in this whole debate and frankly I wouldn't trust a stranger and I wouldn't whole heartedly trust someone online. Perhaps in your culture you can walk into a bar and make friends that way - I couldn't.
Trust has to be earned and I think that is possible in the real world after spending a lot of time with someone, but I don't think it is really possible on the net. I have made some friends on the net but until I actually meet them they maybe completely phony. I have spent quite a few years now on the internet so I think I have a good idea of how it works and what the people are like online. I also think that poeple keep stuff from you over the net - sometimes intentiionally and sometimes not.
I found this piece quite interesting and very different. I think it is of a high quality and I liked the way a whole 'story' was conveyed in so few words.
I enjoyed reading about how the kids grew into adults.
I thought the piece flowed well and stayed on topic, something that is not easy when writing in this form.
I wasn't sure what this line meant "Made our bikes sound special with an old deck of cards."
And is there a typo here "Shed tears as their daughters walked down the Ile."
I like creative pieces like this. It is just a little fun. Myabe you could say how many views you actually got of this piece.
I actually came to it via your port and not your image and so I think that changes the whole reason behind creating this item.
To tell you the truth I thought you were going to have some kind of profound message here. I love little items like that because they say so much more.
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"I have just eaten some barbeque beef?" - I don't think you intend for the first line to read as a question, so I would remove the question mark.
.
"I never ask why?" - I don't think you need the question mark here.
This is a really sweet and kind piece.
I was surprised by this piece. It is labelled as a comedy and I think the beginning lived up to that expectation. It was a very colourful description of your dreams.
I thought this piece had a lot of potential. You have written quite a detailed piece with this tricky format.
I'M SENDING SMILES