Wow. Great story. The title caught my attention, and reading the description, I knew something was going to happen, but I had no idea what exactly.
The story is a lesson in treating others nicely. After a while, one is sure to get what's coming to them, if they keep mistreating others.
Your writing reflects how hateful he was. And we had a hint at that just by saying he had missed her birthdays for the past few years. Then we are slowly introduced to his arrogance and temper.
By the time he has his 'accident,' the reader doesn't feel a bit sorry for him. At least, not this reader.
I was surprised by the twist at the end. Maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. It's hard not to be happy for her. When you understand what she's been putting up with for years. Still, you can't excuse the actions. No matter how much you may understand them!
You do a good job of writing the relationship between the characters. And an excellent job of getting the emotions of all the characters across.
The setting is nicely written throughout the piece. It easily allows us to envision each scene as we read. Well done!
I enjoyed reading your piece. Thank you so much for sharing it with us!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh! Creepy nightmare! Twenty-five years is absolutely crazy. The anticipation is clearly felt by the reader with your words. They're vivid and paint each scene so that they're easy to envision and absorb the emotions you're living through.
Your dream is filled with symbolism. As for the inability to steer or lift your foot from the gas, and the speed of the car picking up faster and faster, that can be a symbol of life feeling like it's out of your control. I had a similar dream for years. I can't steer the car or remove my foot from the gas pedal. The car continues to gain speed, like a bullet fired from a gun. The fear is palpable. It's truly scary as h*ll. I can't help but feel for you to relive this for twenty-five years!
The food behind barbwire may signify the feeling of abundance being kept from you, no matter what you do. It could also be a fear of being able to provide the way you'd like for your family.
As for the deer turning into the face of a man, I'm not sure what that may mean. Maybe something to do with your fellow man (boss, civilization, etc..) coming off as innocent, and then at the last minute betraying you, or 'socking' it to you in some way.
I hope that makes sense and helps in a small way. A lot of times, if we can figure out what the dream is trying to tell us, they'll stop.
I know for about 30 years, I'd have the same dream of an intruder breaking into the house, and me running out of the back door, only to get shot in the butt when I reached the fence line. I told my sister that I wished I'd quit having it, that I'd been having it since I was a small kid. She innocently said, "It's probably from all of the shots you had to have as a kid." (I was rushed to the ER all of the time with bad asthma attacks, then had shots at home, After she said that, I never had the dream again!
I appreciate you sharing this with us. I truly enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Great first chapter. The opening sentence is strong. It would be quite a feat to find what enabled the Egyptians to live as Gods in ancient times. I always believed there is a power in quartz we are just beginning to realize. Also, with different tones of sound. I believe they had this knowledge.
You have strong characters, and the relationship between Liam and his Uncle Peter is well-written. It seems to hint at a much deeper, more complex relationship between the two.
Your beginning hint at the plot will make a fascinating story. You did a great job with the setting. It's easy to envision as the reader follows along.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard these as you see fit.
floor to ceiling
floor-to-ceiling
Elvin like
Elvin-like
mahogany and
Comma after mahogany
uncle Peter.
Capitalize all 'Uncles' in your writing
customer would by
customer would buy
his legs and
Comma after legs
Thank you for sharing your first chapter with us. I enjoyed it, and look forward to reading more!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a wonderful story of a brilliant mind who goes through the loss of his wife in a fire. His wife was his soulmate, and he's finding it hard to go through life without her.
After her death, they find each other again. Though he can hear and see her, no one around them can. But he doesn't let that bother him. He wants to get to her as soon as possible, and it's her aim to help him do so.
Your story is well written with strong characters whose love for each other strongly comes through. Neither can live without the other. Your setting is vivid and allows the reader to envision each scene as they read.
I enjoyed the creative twist toward the end. It was sad how long he spent there, but at least he was locked into a world of his own.
The closing is nicely done. The addition of the students just seeing him moments before is a nice addition.
Below are a few minor suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
unheard and unsave
Comma needed after unheard
envious of anyone that could
anyone who could
food and even sleep
Comma after food
years went by, the pages
went by, and the pages
He felt surprise
He felt surprised
Atop his head, hair
Arop his head, his hair
Cheeks sagged
His cheeks sagged
four of his institutes
his institute's
Fearing the worse,
Fearing the worst,
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh, what a creepy story! If ever there was a woman with severe mental illness, this one definitely takes the cake. I love your creativity! The way you pen the 'other' woman in the mirror is excellent. The reader feels the impact the main character feels from the woman in the mirror.
And if that wasn't enough, her pycho actions are taken even further as she tries to 'help' the man she loves. Whew! No one needs love like that.
Remove, cover, or break all of the mirrors in this woman's path! But that would only help part of her illness. Is it the 'other woman' who makes her kill? She does help her lead to those actions, but I think she'd do without the 'woman in the mirror'. After all, there are tons of reflective surfaces where she can find her.
A good psychological/thriller writing. Your title is perfect and drew my attention. Who wouldn't want to read this piece after reading your description?
Those sad dark brown eyes hidden behind green contacts are a dead give away as to what she’s trying to hide.
Nice!
Below are a few of my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
A 20 something year old
You should always spell out small numbers.
A twenty-something-year-old
a sturdy poll
a sturdy pole
She scoff’s
She scoffs
one syllable
one-syllable
sit in plush
sit in a plush
knees and
Comma needed after knees
cement and slowly
Comma needed after cement
The doctors sits
The doctor sits
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it!
WRITE ON!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
You have such a great collection of cNotes. Something for everyone, and for every occasion.
I decided to review your Furbabies cNotes - Dogs. One, because I love all animals, but especially dogs, and Two, because this is the shop I decided to use to send a few Anniversary cNotes today.
Who could not fall in love with your selection? The first one starts us off with a cute furbaby nose. And a cute quote.
You have a fabulous selection of images to choose from, along with various quotes.
My favorites are: "You're not alone," "Keep on Swimming, "Relax," and "Thanks for being my friend."
The only suggestion I have is maybe you can take a couple of the "Thank you's" (since you have a few of those) and make a couple of them just the image with no words attached. That way someone can use them to make their own message if the others aren't quite what they're looking for.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful inspirations with us! I hope people take the time to check out all of your cNote shops. The only problem they'll have is deciding on which one to send!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hello Undbitr! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" . Happy Anniversary! I hope to see you in the halls of WDC!
This will be a good first chapter when you're able to edit and clean it up a bit.
You do a good job with your characters, and helping the reader get to know them.
I did wonder why the father didn't want the children playing together. Maybe a couple of sentences explaining why would help the reader understand more of what's going on in that respect.
You also may want to put some spaces between the dialogue lines. And spaces between paragraphs. It would help the reader have a place to rest their eyes.
You have a lot of run-on sentences. You also have a lot of places where the word after the period is not capitalized.
Correcting the problems above will help your writing tremendously.
I also have a few more suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
the kettle saw
the kettle, and saw
in the door a smile
in the door with a smile
brother." she said
brother," she said
coat and pulled it on and went
coat, pulled it on, and went
Hill then rolled
Hill, and then rolled
snow covered
snow-covered
guards man
guardsman
think on it later
think about it later
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us!
*hearr* Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hello IdaLin! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" . Happy Anniversary! I look forward to seeing you in the halls of WDC!
Well-written story of a couple who buy a new house, only to be surprised to find they are not alone.
Your story has a nice opening that kept me interested, and the plot urged me to read on. Your ending was strong and unexpected. A nice twist to the story. Well done!
Your writing style on the setting was vivid. I could easily envision each scene as I read.
Your title drew me in and your description is perfect for the story, and made me want to read on!
You write the relationship between husband and wife really well. I found their conversations relaxed and realistic.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
streets and stopping in little shops and
streets, stopping in little shops, and
To Lauren and Jake it looked inviting, and warm and friendly.
To Lauren and Jake, it looked inviting, warm, and friendly.
she said, and then laughed.
She said, and swatted
No comma needed after 'said'.
well maintained
well-maintained
well-appointed,
No comma needed
eaves.” Lauren said
morning.” Jake said
Commas are needed, instead of periods.
*booksopen* quarter inch band of gold,
quarter-inch band of gold (no comma)
They'd move everyhing
everything}
I hope the suggestions help. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hello Auri Johnson! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" . Happy Anniversary! I hope to see you around more in the halls of WDC!
This piece is about a person (persons?) fighting for peace, relief, and sanity. They've been haunted for years. Your writing showed their exasperating fight for some normalcy. How disrupted their lives were with feeling like they always had to check their surroundings for danger.
You did a good job listing the excessive actions they had to go through in a single day. Their frustrations come through nicely, as they try new medicine after new medicine, in the hope, it will bring them relief from their fear.
I read through this a couple of times, and I'm still not positive if 'they' is only one person with multiple personalities, or if it's actually two people, possibly twins. A sentence or two to help make this clear will help make the writing stronger.
I'd fill in all three genre categories. It helps others find your writing. Many people put certain genres in the search bar looking for pieces to read.
I noticed they were already finding some peace and relief from the haunting before they had tried the last new medicine. If the medicine they were on was already giving them relief, why would they need a new one?
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
this of course,
this, of course,
therapy, been
therapy, and been
near endless
near-endless
much needed
much-needed
well deserved
well-deserved
The relief almost
The relief was almost
The last three sentences need capitalization.
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
You're hilarious! You definitely have a knack for writing comedy. I chuckled all the way throughout the piece.
Your struggle with those stubborn nine-pounds shows strongly through your words. Even though you keep a comical perspective, your frustration is easily felt. When your husband caught you telling off your excess weight, I laughed out loud. The setting was described nicely and helped me envision each scene as I read.
I truly felt for you. I can relate. Though, I wish nine-pounds was all I had to lose! We won't go into just how much I do need to take off!
The emotion of your writing is strong, and the pace is fabulous. The reader gets to know a part of your personality through the dialogue you have with yourself (and the middle-aged spread)!
Your title and description is perfect and funny. It drew me right in.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
hips and thighs.
hips, and thighs.
I zipper my pants
I zipped my pants
over indulgence
overindulgence
And still
And still,
of course
of course,
cleaning, running
cleaning, and running
Well those days
Well, those days
everyday
every day
I hope the suggestions helped. Thanks for sharing your piece and bringing me a smile and a chuckle!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Your title piqued my interest in your story, and after reading the description, I checked the rating to make sure it was a story I wanted to read.
I like how you opened your story. It had a strong beginning. Your plot moved along nicely and kept me interested, the ending was quite surprising and not what I was expecting at all.
It started as a cute story that had me grinning until I came close to the end. I was thinking that's a smart kid to wear a helmet while mowing the grass. He learned his lesson and wasn't going to take any chances. Then when poor Seamus got hit, it shocked me. It made me think of how dangerous mowing the yard can be. Not only to those doing the mowing but also to anyone nearby. I know I have mowed the grass many times and had rocks spit out from underneath. Scary.
I was glad to read that Seamus wasn't dead, but horrified to read what one rock with enough force can do.
This story is a reminder that we never know what life will throw at us. And each day that goes by without any form of bad news or tragedies, is a day we should rejoice in!
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
pine tree which separates
pine tree that separates
chaos is the best way
chaos was the best way
fear and uncertainty and confusion
fear, uncertainty, and confusion
job and a great
job and great
post cutting
post-cutting
kids, all of which
kids, all of whom
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a cute story. The situation was clearly explained so I could envision each scene as I read. You did a great job with your main character. I was able to get to know her through her words and actions. How many times has our pride got us into situations we didn't want to be in?
When she got stuck, I couldn't help but chuckle. You described the scene perfectly. I could see her legs kicking back and forth, with her bare side shining.
The close relationship between Elizabeth and her niece was also prevalent.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
Your intro doesn't need to be Non-E. There's nothing that may be offensive in your title or description.
Also, in your three genres, I would add drama, and action/adventure categories along with your comedy. Writing and Other does not pull in any readers. A lot of people find items to read by searching genres.
glasses wearing
glasses-wearing
"auntie Elizabeth,
Capitalize all "Aunties"
There's several places you need commas before the 'ands'
black tights and
top of it and said,
hole and after
backside and legs
wiggled and pushed
tights and joked,
as she then stuck her head
Delete 'as'
half way
half-way
but you keep enjoyed yourself
but you keep enjoying yourself
young girl quickly fixed
young girl quickly exited
dress had blow up,
dress had blown up
before asking for as the
The above seems out of place. I'd delete it.
"I'm so sorry miss that I hurt you, miss, I didn't mean but
"I'm so sorry, Miss, that I hurt you. I didn't mean to
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it, and hope the suggestions help.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
I love how you started your blog with Shakespeare, to kid's slang, then ending it with the love and admiration of an old fig tree. Talk about variety!
I had no idea that fancy-sick was coined by Shakespeare. You truly do learn something new every day! However, I have to admit it's not a saying I ever hear around. Maybe I hang in the wrong crowds.
Kids do come up with their own language. Now, even more than we did in our youth. Since my family has kids of all ages, I get to hear the new slogans and music that comes out with each new generation. Some I love, others .... well.
I too love trees! I can admire their different shapes and sizes forever. I take all kinds of photos of them, and I love to paint them. There's just something truly spiritual about a tree. If only they could tell what they've lived through and what they've seen.
The cross-section of her trunk would be beautiful and interesting. But for that to happen she'd have to be cut down! More beauty can be found with her standing tall!
I enjoyed your blog entry. I appreciate you sharing it with us!
Wow. I've never heard of this band before. I really liked the song, and the video just tore at my heart. It's a powerful message. The Vets are starting to get a bit more help, but still far from enough. There are so many out there who suffer from PTSD, and a wide range of other problems. They need help from the very beginning.
I agree with you. Music speaks to our hearts and soul. It connects with us on an intimately visceral level. Certain songs take us right back to a special time in our lives or remind us of a particularly hard time in our lives. Words from songs we never heard before can soothe us or agitate us.
I believe too, we are on the verge of another world war. And you're right, it won't be like the other two. It'll be death on such a wider scale. I don't know why humans can't learn from our past lessons. It's a political game. One where there really are no true winners.
I enjoyed your song choice. It's always nice listening to someone I've never listened to before. I look forward to checking out more of their songs.
Thanks so much for sharing your music and thoughts with us.
Hello Emerick - The Preacher. Thank you for requesting a review. Please know these are only my thoughts. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
You have a strong title for this piece. It lets the reader know exactly what your poem is about. Your description reinforces the title with a blurb that also states we all have our parts to play. That brings your reader into your stanzas. As the piece is now about them as well.
Your category picks are good. You have all three. This helps bring more people in to read your writings.
Your poem is in an AABB, CCDD, etc... rhyming scheme with no set syllabic count. You did a good job following the rhyming form. I didn't read any that seemed forced. Nice job!
The first two stanzas speak of the earth and its mysteries, as well as its character and beauty. You inspired a feeling of wonder, amazement, and nostalgia.
The third stanza turns it from the earth to ourselves. It beckons us to look within ourselves, and face any part we may be trying to hide.
The fourth and fifth stanzas reassure us that our flaws are where lessons are learned. That our beauty comes from all we have overcome. That no matter what we're going through, or have been through, to stand tall - we are all part of this world and we all have our parts to play. So true and beautifully said.
You finish your poem strong. Reassuring your readers just how special and important every single person is.
The only suggestion is to check your commas. There's a few you don't need.
This was a beautiful piece. I enjoyed it. Thanks so much for sharing your work with us!
I enjoyed reading your piece. You have a lot of great suggestions for the new person. We've all been there and know how confusing this massive site can be on first arrival. I like that you started by welcoming them to WDC! I always believed a welcome can go a long way in helping someone hang around. It's always easier when you find the members kind and welcoming.
I love that you went on to say that to attract others you want your portfolio to look good.
I find this so true. If I click on a port that hasn't included a cover photo or took the time to take pride in their port, versus one where you can tell the person tried to make their port welcoming to others, it's the latter one I'm going to spend more time in. It's just that simple.
It may already have some items in it.
While the sentence is okay. To a new person, it may sound a bit confusing. Maybe try something similar to:
You may have already created some items. If you're having problems figuring out how to do so ...
I'm glad you touched on "Skins" and how to find them. I must admit, this is one I most forget about.
Good job on telling them the difference between moving something to the Recycling Bin and purging the recycle bin! That's a big difference and one that's important to know.
Good luck in the contest.
I enjoyed reading your piece.
Tracey
Since they won't know what you mean by "Skins" you may want to explain that it's their header photo at the top of their portfolio, at the beginning, before telling them how to choose one.
You do a good job explaining their handle and the case colors.
You could expand on this a bit and tell them the difference between their handle and username. Also, since you touched on case colors, you could tell them the difference in the case colors. I know when I was brand new here, I spent forever trying to change my black case to a purple one. I finally asked someone and that's when I learned the difference between the colors.
Hey StephBee. I enjoyed completing your puzzle. It was both challenging and fun.
The subgenres of romance were an excellent and creative take on a word search.
I noticed you had two categories for your activity. If you can find a third one it may help bring more people to your activity. I realize it may be hard to find one to fit. I don't know, maybe thriller, adventure -- as romance can definitely be both of those.
I don't have any suggestions for improvement. I enjoyed it just as is.
This was a fun synopsis of a false story with the title, "Of Mice and Men". I can tell you had fun with this. Your story played out quite nicely. How the infection began with the urine of mice, then men stepping in and making a vaccine that does more damage in the long run than the original virus. Leave it to men to do so.
Your synopsis over the next six chapters was a smart one. You narrowed down what would be a big book to make key observations that tell the reader all they need to know. I think you have a great start to a fantasy book on your hands. I was ready to read on to see how mankind handled the now stronger mousekind, who is now more like men than men himself. Sad.
Title and Description -Great title that caught my attention right away. The description is important, so the readers will know what they're reading. Also, good job listing all three genres. This helps bring more readers to your item.
Characters - I know this is just a 'synopsis' but we get a good idea of the stronger character's personality traits, while the lesser one is just kind of there. If you could maybe include a sentence or two about him, it may help us care more about his demise.
Other than that you did a good job on the stronger character. He means to take care of business. But do we want him to?
Setting - Pretty good job on setting for the type of writing it is. It was strong enough for me to easily visualize the setting around the story.
What I like about your piece - The creativeness of the piece. I believe I'd read this if this was a real book. Even though it's not usually the type of genre I read. Good job on selling the piece.
Suggestions - I enjoyed reading your piece. Below are only my suggestions, please use or discard them as you see fit.
and child that rolled
anc child who rolled
experimental vaccine for the vaccine,
mischievous child, fuzzy ears on the next door neighbor’s husband.
....child, and fuzzy...next-door...
At risk of a world-wide civil war,
At the risk of a worldwide civil war,
sharp shooters
sharpshooters
ouse-people stayed in their cage.
mouse people stayed in their cages.
historical incident until all that was left was
...that was left were
The wall, root
The wall, the root
what lie beyond.
what lay beyond.
Leo, and Jorge
but first, he has to rescue Jorge.
annihilation, but
No comma needed
I enjoyed reading your piece. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
Hello Beck Firing back up!. I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of "I Write in 2024" [13+] This is a good story with a strong beginning that caught my attention and kept me reading. I like that you used two girls as your characters. This piece could easily be made into a much longer story, or even as part of a chapter in a book.
Title and Description - Your title and description are good. Both urged me to read on,
You may want to consider adding the other two allowed genres. Many people find the pieces they want to read by selecting the desired genres. Adding two more may help bring more traffic to your writing.
Characters - I enjoyed your characters. Both seemed strong and ready to take on what life had planned for them. Your story does make me want to get to know them better. It seems like they have a lot of room to grow and evolve.
Setting - I could follow along nicely for much of the story with the setting.
But there are places where it would be nice to have more information. For instance when the creature attacks Jenna, and she's burning. Is there a fire nearby, or is it the creature who is causing the burning?
What I like about your piece - I enjoyed the creativeness of your piece. It left me with wanting to read more to see what happens to these two. Nicely done~!
Suggestions - I do have a few suggestions below. These are only my opinion, please use or discard them as you see fit,
“Who is they?”
"Who are they?"
Edina spoke about against the ramblings
Edina spoke against the ramblings
light from dark was apparent.
light from the dark...
I am not understanding.”
I do not understand."
Thanks so much for sharing this story with us. I truly enjoyed it!
Hey Angelica Weatherby-Fallishere This is a review for "Beyond the portal Chapter One" for completing all seven years at "The Contest Challenge" ! Congratulations!!
I enjoyed your story. It's really cute and creative. It made me root for them to battle and win against the evil ones locking away the town in chains, and turning many creatures into monsters.
Title and Description - Beyond the portal is a fabulous title. Since it's a book entry, there's not a description. But the title did hook my interest, and made me want to read on.
Characters - Your characters are nicely created. Your story makes sure we get to know the main characters' personalities fully. Even in the first chapter. I found the characters relatable and believable. The dialog flowed well and was easy to follow.
Setting - You did a good job on the setting. As I read along, I was easily able to envision their setting, and what lay around them.
What I like about your piece - I loved the creativity of your creatures. I also liked how she stumbled through the portal, after always imagining portals. It was like she had a psychic connection to who she truly was.
Suggestions - I do have a few suggestions below. Please remember these are just my thoughts and opinions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
My name was Zakia
Since this is only the first chapter, I'm not sure if she ends up dying in the end. If she does, leave it as is. If not, the word, 'was' should be 'is'.
already driving for
already driving to
In my backyard I ran,
After 'backyard' insert a comma. Delete the comma after 'ran'.
In the garden I found
In the garden, I found
Once past the prairie I couldn't continue farther, so I sped up.
Once past the prairie,
If you can't continue any farther, how can you speed up? I didn't quite understand that.
laid my hand to the ground,
laid my hand on...
face to face of what
face-to-face with what
But then I would need to get home soon so that my parents won't find out that I'm gone.
...my parents wouldn't find out that I was gone.
she had pop something into her mouth.
she had popped...
full grown. Trees were encouraged to prevent erosion. That I believed and daddy
full-grown. ....and Daddy
then knelt down behind a bush.
couple peepholes
couple of peepholes
arguing to a shadow.
arguing with a shadow.
signalled to keep quiet.
signaled to keep quiet.
the bushes for while longer.
the bushes for a while longer.
pay back for what he had done.
payback for what he has done.
shape shifters
shapeshifters
for so long I lost track
for so long that I lost track
mind control
mind-control
We soon creeped around
We soon crept around
medium sized
medium-sized
With that, we moved
forest and then his in bushes
{/
forest and then hid...
We could hear men and woman
...hear men and women
other food bags won't be taken.
....wouldn't be taken.
I grabbed meat
I grabbed the meat
looking at fog. Fog
looking at fog. The fog
And still, they ate all the meat.
Three hills
It has three hills
Shukulas remains hidden.
....remain hidden.
Next I was recognizing to prepare for the largest eggs to hatch.
Next, I realized the largest eggs were going to hatch. -OR-
Next, I prepared for the largest eggs to hatch.
"Only Ashediped are able to impress them.
"Only Ashediped can impress them.
Now i was a dragon hybrid.
Now I was...
we need to train them, don't we.
...don't we?
a marble for them.
a marble to them.
less likely they will to hold it.
...will be to hold it.
In a world of magic, I
in their building
in their buildings.
She assured that
She assured me that
He held the lowliest rank of shape shifters who often chose those that were very educated.
He held the lowest rank of shapeshifters, who often chose those who were highly educated.
walls at my own ease. Mom and dad
walls at my ease. Mom and Dad
It maybe too late to go back. However, we shouldn't fight for just ourselves. We should fight for the others too. Those dwarves looked miserable and wanting to cry.
It may be.... fight for others too. ...and wanted to cry.
determination in her face. I couldn't
determination on her face. I wouldn't
Think it's night time
...nighttime
except news travels
I enjoyed reading your story! You have such a fabulous, creative idea for a book! You were able to pack so much into chapter 1. Your characters are unique, well-rounded, and memorable. I'm excited to see the direction you take this magical story!
Hello Jacky This is a review on behalf of "Angel Review Forum" [ASR] This is only my views. Please use or discard as you're comfortable with.
I found your flash fiction piece on the Read and Review page. You did a good job relaying a whole story in such a short piece. I would have liked to read about the confrontation to see what took place. I think that would have added quite a bit to the story. But I do see it's a contest entry, so you may not have had the word count needed.
You may want to consider adding the other two genres. Maybe consider Sci-Fi/Drama or Adventure. A lot of readers find items to read just by searching certain genres. It may help bring in more readers to your port.
Title and Description - The title is okay, but you may want to add an actual description of a short blurb about what the piece incorporates. It may help urge readers to read on.
Theme/Subject Matter:- A couple of aliens come to Earth to have an 'Earth' experience. They come in peace, unable to do harm to humans or have humans do harm to them.
Characters - The characters are amusing and come off as quite innocent.
Originality/Creativity:- I thought this piece was delightfully creative and definitely original. Nicely done.
Emotion/Impact: - I was kind of amused by the writing. I do wish the final conflict could have been penned.
My Suggestions -
speak earth
speak Earth
blabbering!
blabbering?
twenty three
twenty-three
that know
who knows
Summary:Thanks so much for sharing your flash fiction piece with us. I enjoyed it.
Hello Stay True This is a review on behalf of "Angel Review Forum" [ASR] This is only my views. Please use or discard as you're comfortable with.
I found your item on the Read and Review link. I found the writing itself strongly emotional. You did a wonderful job getting that emotion through to the reader. I would have rated this higher, but with the format of no punctuation, except for a few double-spaced periods, and no capitalization. It made it a bit difficult to read. I do think the message is good and strong.
Title and Description - Your title works perfectly with this writing. It sums up the piece nicely. Your description does as well. Showing the need of the writer in just three words.
You may want to add two more genres. It's always good to use all three. A lot of people search using only the category/genre links. So the more you have, the more readers you may get. I'd suggest adding: Drama and Relationship.
Theme/Subject Matter:- The writing clearly shows the emotional turmoil the writer is going through. It hurts not to be needed the way we should be, and in the writing, this comes through quite loudly. It's a job well done at the raw emotion that comes through.
Characters - The main character is developed nicely through the emotions we read. All she wants is to be loved and needed. To be actually 'seen' for who she is and the pain she's experiencing, instead of having to put on heirs just to make her neglectful mate feel more comfortable.
Originality/Creativity:- The piece is quite original and speaks of the author's emotions.
Emotion/Impact: - This piece left me mad at her mate and sad for her.
My Suggestions - Since you didn't use capitalization or punctuation, I'm not going to include it in my suggestions. However, if you do decide to edit incorporating them, please let me know and I'll come back and review and rerate.
forget your name 5 minutes
forgets your name five minutes
days where emotion
days when emotion
never ending
never-ending
do hear how Icry
do you hear how I cry?
any women
any woman
life someone
life with someone
Summary: Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us.
Hello Graywriter This is a review on behalf of "Angel Review Forum" [ASR] This is only my views. Please use or discard as you're comfortable with.
Good story. It opens with a strong beginning, keeping the reader's attention, has an interesting middle that urges the reader to read on, and has a surprise ending I didn't see coming. Nice job.
Title and Description - Good title and description that draws attention and gives a great synopsis of the story.
Theme/Subject Matter:- It's the story of a human's need/want to live an immortal life. Will his long search for this gift of immortality find him, or will something more sinister?
Characters - The reader gets a good, well-rounded picture of the personality of the main character. Well done.
Originality/Creativity:- It's a creative spin on a tale as old as mankind. The desire to live forever.
Setting - I was easily able to visualize each scene as I read.
My Suggestions -
Lane and steal
Lane, and steal
d'Auteur's efforts,
fish-monger.
fishmonger.
At last,
judgement
judgment
throat and fear
throat, and fear
millenia
millennia
kidneys, damaged
kidneys, and damaged
Summary: Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Title and Description - Very cute title that drew my attention. The description urged me to read on.
Theme/Subject Matter:- A grandmother takes an impatient and eager five-year-old on a much anticipated camping trip. Once around the campfire, the little girl takes on her own meaning in the campfire songs.
Characters - For such a short flash fiction piece, I was easily able to get to know your main characters. Nice job.
Originality/Creativity:- A creative story on a very special camping trip.
Setting - I know this was a flash fiction and it's hard to fit in details, but even a few sentences of the surroundings would have brought the reader more into the story.
Emotion/Impact: - This is a cute story that leaves the reader with a smile and a chuckle.
My Suggestions -
five-year old
five-year-old
usually she was
usually, she was
Of course I didn't
of course, I didn't
My Favorite Part: - The part about her singing 'the pillows'
Summary: I enjoyed your story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
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Wow. Great story. The title caught my attention, and reading the description, I knew something was going to happen, but I had no idea what exactly.
Tracey
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Elvin like
mahogany and
uncle Peter.
customer would by
his legs and 
envious of anyone that could
He felt surprise 
Atop his head, hair 
She scoff’s 
one syllable 
knees and 
WRITE ON! 
And a cute quote.
You're hilarious! You definitely have a knack for writing comedy. I chuckled all the way throughout the piece. 
More beauty can be found with her standing tall!
then knelt 
mind control
Shukulas remains hidden.
