brom21's (ion_7) Reviews

brom21

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1,587 Public Reviews Given

1,588 Total Reviews Given

201

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4372945

Review of Loss of Appetite

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(A recently transferred professor stands at the front of a community college class.)
Here, I think this could read a little smoother if was altered some. Remember that it is a good idea to put what you want to stress at the end of a sentence. You could have something like-“At a community college, in front of a class was a recently transferred professor.” Do you see how it sets up the next sentence to talk about the professor?

(Her towering stature is overwhelming, complimented by her taste in fashion…)
Above, what comes after the comma should be something else like-“and her taste in fashion that made her stick out more.” I don’t think “complimented” works well.

(The bright fluorescent lighting scorches an unforgiving blaze. Its loud BUZZ supplements the dull rustling of social gossip.)
With this, I’m not sure what is happening. What exactly is the “bright fluorescent lighting?” What is being scorched? Also, your choice of words is too extravagant. Words like “unforgiving” and “supplements” is just a little bit superfluous. Use simpler more descriptive and precise words.

(…continue to chat amongst one other,…)
“Other” should be “one another.”

(Unfortunately, the others didn't possess her enthusiasm. A student in the far back interrupts her. His name is George.)
Here, as in other places, show do not tell. For example you could change the above to-“Unfortunately, most of the thirty-plus students were rolling their eyes and chackling at Kylie who was smiling with lit up eyes.” Likewise simply naming George is abrupt. Instead you could have “A student named Gorge in the far back interrupts her.”

(George sits back, waiting for applause. The class is stunned. Nevertheless, they laugh. Kylie's blood pressure rises drastically.)
These three sentences are awkward. Things contradict a little. When you’re stunned it denotes being still and speechless yet you say they laugh. Just using “Nevertheless” is too scant. Maybe you could say something like-“George sits back, waiting for applause. The class is stunned at Gorge’s disrespect then break out in brash laughter.” In the last sentence, how can one sense a rise in blood pressure?” If there is, just describe the symptoms.

(She's never been subject to such ignorance.)
With this, it is the same with just stating George’s name by itself. Put something like-“Kylie’s heart dropped and she felt sad and angry at the same time. I could have used the word “simultaneously” in pace of where I put “at the same time.” To me, that sounds quirky. There are times when big words are needed to be precise and to simplify things with one or two big words.

(Under duress, she continues an uncomfortable stutter.)
Once again, a more plain word than “duress” would be helpful.

(He had a knack for pissing off authority figures.)
With this, I would make a past example of George pissing off those in authority.

(…DETENTION!" Kylie shouts. She breathes in and…)
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there is detention in a college.

(The class sings its orchestra of OOOOOOOO'S as the professor folds her arms in confidence.)
Nice line. I can hear the class deride George. I would show how she looked or felt the confidence. Maybe say-“…as the professor folds her arms she grinned coyly and stood with a stout poise.” Or what have you.

("Whatever." George mutters silently.)
Here, how can you mutter and be silent at the same time? Put something simple like-“George mutters under his breath.”

(She marches over to her desk with a masculine stride.)
I would describe the “masculine stride” and show what it looks like.

(Professor Matthews sits at the adjacent desk, hastily tapping her fingers…)
Here, It you say “Professor Mathews.” Did you mean to say “Professor Fenton?”

(She barks sternly. She's not happy.)
Again, this is abrupt. Maybe something like-“She barks with a stone solid frown.” Note that I would say to tell what she feeling (anger) instead of saying she is “not happy.” But the context clearly hints she is mad.

Now – concerning the surprise ending: It’s a little out of the blue. lol. Also it could be a little clearer. I suggest using simpler words. My final suggestion is to put spaces between paragraphs thought/diolog.
I understand you’re trying to use a distinct “flavor” in this story. I tried using a kind of old world “Bible” type of style but it came across as info dumping. I thought it looked all epic and spiffy but I had to change it. This is your writing. You should enjoy how you write but also give room for other’s enjoyment too. I did not find any grammar issues so kudos for that. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

202

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4372224

Review of The Stain

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(…my otherwise pale arm, it looked like a blotch of red ink.)
Here, a semicolon is needed where the period is.

(When I rubbed it, it grew larger and sting even more.)
Here, “sting” should be “stung.”

(…and cursed this time, that is when I heard it for the first time,…)
Here you use time too close together. Maybe put “moment” where the second “time” is.

(I cried out again and cursed this time, that is when I heard it for the first time, the cackling, the laughter, it was near the long shadows cast near an old garage. I looked over there but didn’t see anyone.)
Here, you need to re-punctuate this segment like so-“I cried out again and cursed this time; that is when I heard it for the first time - the cackling, the laughter; it was near the long shadows cast near an old garage. I looked over there but didn’t see anyone.”
You could put a period where the semicolons are. That would work but the stress a semicolon gives is what you want I think.

(This was the alley behind my own house, I finally realized, still sitting there.)
Above, switch the clauses around and alter it slightly like so-“As I sat there, I finally realized this was the alley behind my own house.”

(Useless damned doctors, I thought,…)
Here, thoughts should be in italics.

(Sunlight made it grow.)
This is abrupt. State how the narrator realizes sunlight makes it grow. Maybe something like-“I noticed the spot stopped growing in the shade and grew as I stepped into sunlight.”

(“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I said, although I think I wanted to.)
Here, I would omit “although I think I wanted to.” and put something that hints more at emotion like-“Although deep inside I felt my heart pound at the relishing thought of tormenting a poor soul.”

(“After all the people who have hurt you?”
Here it is obvious wat you’re saying but this is a fragment. Instead write something like-“You don’t want to hurt others after others after all the people who have hurt you?”

(“You are taking over for me, and I am taking over your life, and your appearance, as you are taking mine,” she said. “When the stain of corruption has fully engulfed you, you will descend into Hell and lead your minions in torturing the damned for as long as you are up for it.”)
It is at this paragraph that things really pick up and the plot thickens. There are not any grammar or spelling blips that distract from the juiciness. And what a twisted guy!-truly wicked! All in all a very gruesome read. Write on.

203

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14 days may be credited.

#4372204

Review of Burglarproof

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(What idiots these suburbanites are, he thought.)
Put thoughts in italics.

In your last paragraph and your second to the last paragraph, there is a time gap. There is also a time gap when the burglar is introduced. Specify when the occurrences happen. Or you can put line or dots to indicate a time gap.

(Holly was at the front door with the keys, opening the house after a fun trip. She was eager to get in and unpack. The lock clicked and she opened the door. As she pushed it open a dingy, scroungy yellow cat with green eyes streaked out, running for parts unknown.)
Here, I think you mean to insinuate the cats used to be robbers that were transformed by Lazar. Also it seems unlikely robbers would try to rob the same house over and over again.

This was a nice story but it could have been better. Maybe put more struggle into it. The robber did not even shoot at Lazar. You could have Lazar toy with the robber and somehow put a little destruction of the house and have the wizard magically clean it all up. In the same way show different displays of magic as he toys with the robber. Maybe put some classic elemental sorcery like ice or fire. If this was for a contest with a word constraint, I understand why how quick and abrupt everything was. If not just add a little spice to this. Other than that, this was free of spelling and punctuation errors. My final suggestion is to put spaces between paragraphs. It is easier on the eyes. All in all, a nice read. Wrote on!

204

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14 days may be credited.

#4370866

Review of Red Rover

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Something was terribly wrong he thought as he glanced around...)
Here, thoughts should be in italics like so-“ Something was terribly wrong he thought as he glanced around…”

(As he sat up, he felt wires swinging from attachments on his body. )
Here, I would say “…attachments connected to his body.

(He was still dressed in his hospital gown, so he closed it up in the back and tied it shut with. )
Here, I think you accidently misused the “with” at the end. Omit it.

(…getting his brain around this situation. Just what exactly is this situation, he wondered.)
Here, you use the word “situation” twice too close together. Pick another word like “predicament” or “happenstance.”

(“What the freaking Hell is going on here,” he yelled.)
Here, an exclamation parm would work well at the end.

( It couldn’t be the year 2019, he thought,…)
Again, thoughts should be in italics.

("It was totally inconceivable that…)
Above, omit the quote before “It.”

(“Holy Mary, Mother of God....” he exclaimed, breathlessly.)
Put an exclamation point at the end instead of the dots.

(…causing it to sway a little like the pendulum of an oracle saying, "Yes, all are dead here.")
It is also proper to put text in italics too. The end should be- Yes, all are dead here.

(Hopefully they were still water resistant, too, he thought to himself.)
Thoughts should be in italics here.

(Exploring the rest of the rooms in Wexler Labs seemed like a logical next logical step,…)
Here, omit the second “logical” in the sentence.

(…a nameplate on it which read, “Dr. Josiah Fairfield, MD, Geneticist. Maybe there would be something in that weasel of a doctor's office, he thought.)
This is the last time. I will say to put text and thoughts in italics.

(…John found what appeared to be a cell phone.)
Here, like in many places, get rid of unneeded words. Here put-“John found a cell phone. “ It’s plain and simple.

(…million questions and are very angry and are very angry....maybe even a little scared…)
Above, avoid adjectives and put in “enraged” or “furious. Then omit the second “and are very angry.”

(…Wexler Labs were boarded up, locked, and chained from the inside. )
Here, how does John know it is chained from the inside? It could be barricade or something.

(Once he had the chains off the door handles, he took an Allen wrench...)
I though the chain was on the inside not on the outside handles.

(One service bot, however, seemed to have a solar back-up system and…)
Here, how well would a solar back-ups system get energy underwater in a building?

(“’Stasis’ refers to the procedure by which an exactly calculated dose of a synthetic radio-isotope is injected into the body of a human to effect a desired length of molecular stasis. The effect of this type of radiation causes the atoms in the subject to halt movement. Developed initially for use on astronauts during long range exploratory missions by the International Space Agency (I.S.A.) Experimental Sciences team, headed by Dr. Josiah M. Fairfield, the effect of this type of radiation causes the cells of the subject to cease moving on the atomic level. In this motionless state, there can be no cell growth or decay and no sense of time passing at all to the individual,” the bot explained. )
This is a very good sci-fi nugget. The way you explained it made it more believable. It also creates backdrop and grounds the reader in the situation. Good job with that.

(“The political climate in the United States of America had been very dangerous and very fragile in the years preceding the quakes. After President George W. Bush finished his last term in office in 2008, his successor made bad decisions in the areas of economics and foreign policy. A string of ill-planned and needless wars severely weakened the United States national defense and created much unrest amongst U. S. citizens. After the Cataclysm, Homeland Security and the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) did a very poor job of helping the victims, which led to the Second American Civil War. The war resulted in the western half of the United States seceding from the Union, thus creating two separate nations: The Western States of America (WSA) and the Eastern States of America (ESA). The capitol of the ESA is still Washington, DC and the capitol of the WSA is Boulder, Colorado. Dr. Fairfield is from the WSA and resides in Boulder. This is all of the information that I am allowed to divulge to you.”)
Once again, great Paragraph! It is very concise and informative bringing the story into reality.

(Through all of this new information, one glaring fact shown like a beacon.)
Here, “shown” should be “shone” or “shined.

At the end this story had exceptional techno and political jargon. You really set the stage answering the who, what, where, why and how of the situation – very nice! My first suggestion is to proofread your work, a few times in need be. Next, put space spaces between dialog and thought lines and also between paragraphs. There were parts that were confusing but proofreading should correct that. But, you really picked things up at the end though. Nice work man! Happy WdC anniversary!

205

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4370411

Review of Cafe Worker's Day Dreams

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (2.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(…and favorite voice-acting trophy shirt i now wore,)
Here, “i” should be “I.” And a period is needed after “wore.”

("Oh alright Bruce, but we'll start with the joker's laugh, ok? You gotta learn the joker's LAUGH before any other part of his voice".)
Above, another person is speaking so a new line is needed. Also, the period should go inside the quote.

(“Oh boy daddy, don't worry i'll do the laugh extra good, extra gouda..."
Here a period is needed after “worry.”

("EXCUSE ME SIR, did you HEAR my ORDER?, i said EXTRA GOUDA CHEESE on my YOU-PICK-TWO sandwich!" The lights of the familiar cafe come rushing back, i look down, i'm no longer wearing my voice-acting trophy shirt, i'm wearing a green apron with a name tag that gives little existence to a name that is otherwise nameless. Gone is the smiling face of my future son and home recording studio, and in it's place is the face of an angry and hungry wealthy female cafe customer. Darn it, i dazed off again. "Sorry miss, i'm a little off on my game today, and by the way did you want an apple, chips,or baguette with that?")
Once again, new dialog should in its own line. Next, you have a new paragraph so that should be by itself too. Also, the comma after “back” should be a period. Directly after that, the “i” should be in caps and the next comma should be a period too. Rather than point everything out, I will just show how this should all look like-

“Bruce begans to jump with joy and exclaims. "Oh boy daddy, don't worry I’ll do the laugh extra good, extra gouda..."
"EXCUSE ME SIR, did you HEAR my ORDER? I said EXTRA GOUDA CHEESE on my YOU-PICK-TWO sandwich!"
The lights of the familiar cafe come rushing back. I look down. I’m no longer wearing my voice-acting trophy shirt. I’m wearing a green apron with a name tag that gives little existence to a name that is otherwise nameless. Gone is the smiling face of my future son and home recording studio, and in its place is the face of an angry and hungry wealthy female cafe customer. Darn it, I dazed off again.
"Sorry miss, I’m a little off on my game today-and by the way did you want an apple, chips, or baguette with that?"

Your third paragraph should read like this-
“The customer flips her over-stylized hair, and then lets a sarcastic sigh of relief out and replies "Ugh, I’ll have a BAGUETTE, REMEMBER? I said I wanted BAGUETTES as the sides for ALL my YOU-PICK-TWOS!."
She didn't have a family or husband with her, hmph, like she REALLY needed all those meals. I’m sure not looking forward to cleaning up after her dropping one of those plates.
"Yes miss, I’ve got your baguettes with all your orders, will that be all?"
"Uh, YEAH, Of course!" she replies crudely.
I take her money and give her the change and her 16 ounce fountain drink cup. "Have a great day mam!" I said to her with a forced smile.
"Yeah, yeah, you too, and do yourself a favor will yah, and get your head out of those dream clouds, will yah?"

The last big paragraph should go like this-
I sighed a breath of relief and went back to stocking the counter. I suddenly stopped, looked back at my green apron and at my non-slip shoes, and in a mere seconds I was suddenly not single-not 20 years old, and I was teaching my young voice-acting prodigy of a son to laugh like the joker.
"You've nearly got it Bruce! Just add a little more devious-feel on your vocal tone, and you'll be well on your way to working with your daddy in the voice-acting big leagues: DC comics animation!"
"Oh daddy that'd be great! It'd be like a day of dreams come true!"
I'm suddenly back to reality, back to my green apron and black non-slip shoes. OH Little Bruce, I really wish you would be my day dream come true...

What made this story a little cumbersome to enjoy was it was all in one block. Each paragraph or dialog line should be spaced too. A huge block is overwhelming to the eye. But, your story was short and sweet and I thought it was entertaining. Some of teh grammar problem should be recognized by a MS Word. I don’t know what word processor you have though. All in all, this was a charming tale. Happy WdC anniversary

206

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14 days may be credited.

#4370195

Review of Dracore and his evolutions

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

What a snazzy fanfiction piece! I am not really familiar with Pokémon but I am an RPG gamer so I more or less get the stats and such. One thing that I think is lacking is a brief description. I don’t know what Dragales or Dracore look like. Just a little snippet would do for both of these two Pokémon. Some back ground would be cool too. This was a veritable gem! Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

207

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4370189

Review of Untitled

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

Good use of the ABBA rhyme scheme. I don’t remember the last time I read this format. This is true prose as it is not just a running emotional monologue; almost each line stands by itself. My favorite stanza was the last one. It kind of steals your mind and leaves it at a loss of emotion. It also capitulates the emotion of the rest of the piece. Now I don’t know if story mechanics apply to works like this, but if they do, I would mess with the punctuation some.
(I can’t sleep thinking of things we used to do,
Are they slowly fading, my mind keep saying, no
It’s hard to understand, is there a thing, I missed to know?
Or it is the steps I take, keeps me away from you)
Above, I would change the first stanza to this-

I can’t sleep thinking of things we used to do,
Are they slowly fading; my mind keeps saying-no
It’s hard to understand; is there a thing-I missed to know?
Or it is the steps I take-keeps me away from you.

All in all, this was very tender hearted and honest. I like how this kind of echoes in my mind with the main message which, to me, was not knowing the true state of a relationship. This was wonderfully woven into my senses and articulately composed. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

208

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14 days may be credited.

#4369999

Review of Nights in Commerfield

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Despite that the large stone crypt he always emerges from is…)
A comma is needed after “crypt.”

(…looking aroundas iff surverying a massive audience in a grand auditorium; to top it off, he takes a bow.)
This-“ aroundas” should be “ around as.” “iff” should be “if” and “surverying” should be “surveying.”

“Besides for some blips like a mentioned above, this was great- both grammatically and plot/premise wise! You have quite the funny bone – pun intended! I loved the nice and fine atmosphere of the short and fitting narration. It was very quant and lighthearted. Great job! Happy WdC anniversary!

209

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14 days may be credited.

#4369997

Review of Once Upon a Lightyear

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(“What was it dad?” his son asked impatiently)
A period is needed at the end.

Well, besides that one missing period, this story is flawless. You brought me into a funny, weird and fascinating glimpse of a world that makes one ponder. This was very creative too-a true sci-fi gem! You did very good job. Happy WdC anniversary!

210

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14 days may be credited.

#4369995

Review of Mindless Musings

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

The only thing I would suggest is to stick to use consistency. Not all of your stanzas follow the ABAB rhyme scheme. Mind you poetry is not my forte. As I stated at the top, this is just me and more so in this case. Your slant rhyming work well enough-which, for example, would be the first and third lines of the last stanza. I loved the breezy, care free mood of the poem. It truly reflects how we just sometimes let our minds drift where it will. I got a good picture if the poem as well. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

211

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14 days may be credited.

#4369731

Review of Mr Balorick's Day

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

Before I start, I think it would be good to give some tags at the end of the dialog lines.

(Thank you Miss?)
Use quotes here.

("Thank you Annie, Oh Annie will I have trouble getting into the building that late.")
A question mark is needed at the end.

(…and the building in the distance, a museum perhaps.)
Here, a dash is needed where the comma is.

(After all, I thought, if I got the project,)
A period should be at the end.

(Walked to an entry of old burnt red brownstones which echoed of earlier times when horse and buggies passed under its arch.)
This is a fragment. Put an “I” at the beginning. Also “horse” should be “horses.”

(I had learned, from a friend long ago, that it was good, every now and then to stop and smell the roses. The roses being, everything around one’s self.)
Here, omit the last two commas.

(Soon, I came upon the Cherry blossoms, which lining the pathway, had laid all but...)
Above, move the comma after “which.”

(Footsteps approached me, I can sense, they are arm and arm. I can tell… their steps are in step, and close.)
With this, punctuate it so it looks like this-“Footsteps approached me. I can sense they are arm and arm. I can tell…their steps are in sync and close.” See how I changed “steps” to “sync.” It sounds awkward when you repeat the same words so close to each other.

(Her eyes captured by mine, her lips, soft, bloom into a confirming smile she leaves with me as she strides by.)
Here, a period is after “mine.” The rest should read like this-“Her lips: soft-bloom into a confirming smile she leaves with me as she strides by.”

(…with the aid of the cold breeze, I watch as the fallen dry and curled leaves scrape the ground in her wake.)
Overall, this just needs a little punctuation work. The story itself was great. You did a good job of using senses for the reader to experience the day with the narrator. It had a very laid back, contemplative mood that was very soothing. You made a great use of the prompt. Happy WdC anniversary!

212

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14 days may be credited.

#4369728

Review of OUR NEIGHBORHOOD GHOST

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(I used to think it was an urban legend. that was until one night.)
Here a dash is needed where the period is.

(I watched as the light of a lantern can be seen walking towards the stairway. I started to see a shadow, I grabbed my cousin's hand: as it walks down the steps first shoes, a nun's dress and legs, her waist, her hands one holding a lantern, the top of her dress and no head. )
Here, this sentence needs changing. First, the first comma should be a period or a semicolon. Next the colon should be removed. Also it sounds like the cousin’s hand is walking down the steps. A clause always modifies the noun right before it. Change it to-“I grabbed my cousin's hand when I started to see a shadow as it walks down the first steps…) After the word “steps” there should be a dash.

( Left my friends behind to fend for themselves.)
Here, this is a fragment. Put something like-“Then I left my friends behind to fend for themselves.”

I think it would be hard to build up tension and excitement and then have a good climax with such few words. But I think you did an okay job with this. I do think it would have sounded better with ending this with something from the ghost nun. Just work on the grammar a bit and this will be much better. Happy WdC anniversary!

213

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14 days may be credited.

#4368424

Review of entry

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Ivy was eating breakfest when the soldiers knocked her door; back then, she though they were Jehovah's Witnesses since it was so early in the morning. She opened the door finding two navy officials in front of her; her knees trembled as studied their faces. Out of the monotone glacing she saw curved eyebrows and tight jaws.)
Firstly, “breakfest” should “breakfast.” Secondly saying “back then” would allude to the past but you speak in the present tense following that. It also throws things off a little. Since you’re speaking about the past use words like “she had thought they were Jehovah's Witnesses” and “she had seen curved eyebrows…” Finally, “glacing” is not a word. I do not know what you meant to say.

(…her heart beated quickly as she saw them take their hats down.)
Here, “beated” should be “beat.”

(She had been into milblogging after her husband entered the Navi,…)
Here you use the correct from of tense. Make use of it throughout. Also, “milblogging” and “Navi” are not words. At this time I wonder if you come from another country than the US in which these are real words.

(She had been into milblogging after her husband entered the Navi, she read Hockenberry, Sgt. Missick and 2Slick blogs when their post were updated.)
Above you just need change the comma after “Navi” should be period or a semicolon. Then capitalize “she” if you use a period.

(Never before she felt her husband that close.)
Here, you need “had’ after “before.”

(She recalled those Sundays when he would meet with Kyle (Joe older brother), and Ronnie to play with those bouncy dices; Kyle had died two years ago serving the Navi in Arabia Saudi; Ronnie begun his poor career as a musician and Joe decided that he wanted to follow his brother footsteps.)
This sentence is too long by use of the semicolons. Use periods.

(Her memories became fragile as the years passed; but she still remained faithful, still waited and still loved him, even though he never learned how to cook nor accompanied her to church the Sundays; but something he knew, he knew how to tell stories, that's why she fell in love with him back then in high school.)
In the above paragraph omit all the semicolons as you are using the conjunction “but.” Next, with this segment-(…; but something he knew, he knew how to tell stories, that's why she fell in love with him back then in high school.)- put a semicolon or a period in place of the commas.

(She was waiting in the sofa for them to talk;)
With this, it should be “on the sofa.”

(She claimed that she wanted to see his body, she wouldn't believe it until she saw him.)
Here, use a period or a semicolon after “body.”

("since the bodies travel a long distance we need to protect them")
This is a fragment. Make it a complete sentence.

(She didn't even cried, they leaved and she stared at that box over the kitchen table. )
Here change “didn’t” to “hadn’t.”

(…e, fire didn't worked,)
Here it is the same as before.

(She wrote on her blog what had happened; five minutes after her cellphone rang.)
Here, omit the semicolon.

("Ivy, It's me, Joe; sorry, I could't call you because we were prohibited to, our troop got lost and they found us today")
Here, the line line should be something like-“ Ivy, It's me, Joe. Sorry, I couldn’t call you because we were prohibited to. Our troop got lost and they found us today")

I am surmising you are new to writing or you are a young writer. Sorry if I came across as harsh but I review all works on the same level. These were all simple grammar or spelling mistakes and I suggest proofreading your works. If you do, your stories will be much better and more enjoyable. Happy WdC anniversary! Write on!

214

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#4368252

Review of Something’s Up

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(“I know why you’re calling, and the answer is no.” Mackie was always busting my chops like that. She just likes to negotiate. I’ve spent a lot of dough on negotiations with Mackie. Dinner, movies, long walks on moonlit beaches. I’m still working on those negotiations. I do a little better getting information from her than romance lately, but give me time.)
Here, a colon is needed after “I’ve spent a lot of dough on negotiations with Mackie.” to make it “…with Mackie:…” Also, I would put something after “she just likes to negotiate” as it sounds too vague. Maybe something like-“…negotiate romantic pursuits” instead.

(“You don’t have to start like that. Give me a break. Can’t I just be calling up to say hi and invite you to Mario’s for some spaghetti?”)
Above, I am not sure who is talking. It sounds like Mackie is but because we were just in the narrators head, it sounds like the narrator is talking. Also, what is the narrator’s name?” I can’t tell who speaking for the next two lines also. That may be just me though but for the sake of people who would have the same problem, I would put tags at the end.

( While while for Mackie to get ready I decided I’d heard enough to assume the story to be true.)
With the word “while” back to back it is confusing. Make it “While waiting…”

You really succeeded in giving the story a very “low down” feeling complete with the complicated romance theme. I would to have loved to read a shooting scene during the sting operation and not just a distance narration. I also think you could have put a more suspenseful, punch at the end. Or you could give it an iffy ending like if Mackie gets wounded in the sting and the story ends in a hospital. You could then turn that into a romance scene. In any case I though you did a nice job of composing this but I think you could really make it better with some simple tweaking. Happy WdC anniversary!

215

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#4367641

Review of Raven Winter

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(We did not remember whence we had come, or where we were going.)
This sentence kind of does not fit the dialect of the rest of the story with the use of “whence.” Just use when.

(I could not feel my limbs. I only had the faintest awareness of their presence,…)
Here who is the person referring to with “their presence?” Is it the others with the narrator or some other being?

(We traveled over icy plains, or perhaps it was a frozen sea on which a thin layer of snow had come to rest. The land was flat and dreary, never changed by the presence of so much as a single bush or tree. There were no slopes, no pits; just an endless stretch of white.)
With this one how could you state the absence of a bush or a tree when it is obvious because you are on a frozen sea? Just keep to to icy plains.

(I had no sense of direction or time, I did not know if we had just set out…)
Here, the comma after “time” should be a period or a semicolon.

(There were new sounds now: the cries of crows, the shrieking of vultures, the hungry call of the raven.)
Above, the birds mentioned do not inhabit such a climate.

(Suddenly there was fatigue, and hunger, and an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss.)
Here, explain what caused this drastic change in mentality when before the person is totally apathetic and out of it?

(Before long I was back on the icy waste,)
Here it appears you are referring to a place of permafrost like Siberia. In this case why and how could someone build a town and a church in such a place? Also a wood could not thrive there. Again I’ll mention that the birds mentioned do not live in tundra-like nature.

My final piece of advice is to condense your writing. Things are a little wordy. On the positive side, you did a good job of letting us go into the mind of the person narrating. His desperation is defined in many ways. Some would say you are redundant in this manner. I will leave that up to the reader. Quite frankly, he is the most unhappy person I have ever seen and with ample reason. Nice work. Happy WdC anniversary!

216

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#4367607

Review of The Elven Wood

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(…,dismissing the folklore as baseless superstition.)
Here I would use a different word than “folklore” because the word denotes a false idea when it is based on truth in this case. Maybe something like “tales” or “legends.”

I loved the fifth paragraphs that uses lots of descriptions. It finishes nicely with this sentence of yours-(It was a habit that did not wear off as she grew, and people would often fondly call her the Forest Princess; Rea Silvia.) Very nostalgic!

(…the fallen leaves whispering gently underfoot.)
Above I can’t imagine leaf being stepped on could whisper. It appears to be a metaphor for how, for instance, the wind whispers in your ear. But, as it is Autumn, the leaves would make a crunching sound. Something like that cannot “whisper.” Put maybe something like-“The leaves whispered as they fluttered and floated with the passing of my strides.” It would be easy for you to come up with something seeing how good this is so far.

(She made her way past familiar places. The hollow tree she had used for shelter from a sudden downpour,…)
With this, a semicolon is needed after “places.”

(The wind must have been picking up already, because even this deep into the forest there was enough of a breeze to stir the mist now. )
Here, what comes before the comma is unneeded and awkward. It is obvious the wind is picking up. Maybe something like-“The wind breezed into the hard to penetrate deep forest air stirring the mist.”

(There were tiny imps, stealing through the shadows of a traveller's camp, wreaking all sorts of havoc.)
Above it seems the imps are stirring up physical conflict and harm in the camp. Do you mean to relate the imps’ actions with the lake? Also “traveller's” should “traveler’s.”

(He shrugged. "Who knows? To tease us, perhaps, or to share a wisdom we do not understand.)
I would elaborate on the wisdom part. Maybe say that the lake is enchanted with the knowledge and experiences of those who have passed away. Or you could just say the lake can reflect the essence of the Faerie and what they know. Just play with it.

This was fantastic! I got totally lost in its tale. The extensive description ground me into the forest
and the magical occurrences and the beings that lived there. I could learn a lot from you in this aspect of writing. I liked how Rea disappears at the end. It gives it a mysterious, forlorn feeling. The last short line really ends it well as it alludes to the very beginning premise, wrapping everything up. As indicated from above, it was almost flawless in every way. Well Done!

217

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#4351304

Review of Stars

Review by brom21

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

Wow man! This was excellent! This was so articulate and quaintly relatable. And it was so easy to follow-something I really look for. I read through the whole story and nothing was amiss. Flawless! That is saying a lot as I am quiet the stickler. The first paragraph was profound and it set the stage for the rest of the story. It was serene floating around the guy’s head. The steady sing-song pace was a perfect match for the premise. I also think the brevity was fitting too. It gave me a lingering appeal to the emotions and thoughts. I could give you more compliments but I don’t want to seem like I’m just buttering you up. Great work!

218

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#4339468

Review of Lightning Warrior

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(I woke up in the middle of the night with lightning shooting all over the room, coming from me, and I was twitching at much faster than human speeds, I was very freaked out, I passed out and woke up in the morning, I was more chiseled than I was the previous night.)
Here it would help to reword things a bit. Also, a period or semicolon needs to be after “human speeds” and “freaked out” and “in the morning” rather than commas. The whole thing could be something like-“I woke up in the middle of the night with lightning shooting out from me all over the room and I was twitching at much faster than human speeds. I was very freaked out. I passed out and woke up in the morning. I was more chiseled than I was the previous night.”

(My room was a mess my tv and light where blown up, I knew I couldn't explain it to my parents, or anyone else for that matter, they would think I was nuts, in fact I might be none of that could be possible I had to be going crazy, but then what was all that stuff that happened, I guess I will find out.)
Above you need to swap some commas with some periods or semicolons like before. You also need a comma after “My room was a mess.” Put periods or semicolons after “blown up” “I was nuts” and “stuff that happened.”

(I had the ability to throw lightning from my hands, turn my whole body into electricity, my mind worked a lot faster than a normal humans, and I had super human speed and strength, figured I should give you a full rundown on what I'm capable of.)
It seems that you need to learn where to put commas and periods as well as semicolons. Notice the differences in the altered version of your paragraph that I put in bold:”I had the ability to throw lightning from my hands and turn my whole body into electricity. My mind worked a lot faster than a normal humans, and I had super human speed and strength. I figured I should give you a full rundown on what I'm capable of.”

(…I had a lot of "friends" but not all of them where real friends, and I knew that,)
Here you kind of state things twice with putting “friends” in quotes. Just put that or say they were not real friends.

(So I cleaned out my entire savings account so we could get everything we needed.)
Here it is doubtful that a kid could have or withdraw very much money.

(I built a police scanner that fit in my ear, and virtually unnoticed.)
Here, put a “I was” after “and.”

(Ok all done creating the costume, and my police scanner it was time to go out and see how people reacted to me.)
This is a fragment. It should read something like-“Okay, we had finished creating the costume, and my police scanner and it was time to go out and see how people would react to me.”

(He appears in a flash of light, can take out last count of fifteen robbers at once…)
Above, since this is a headline in a magazine I would put it in italics. You’re also missing an “and” after “light.”

(
(My first clue that there was anything other than normal humans was when I went up against a guy who was able to control wind and water.)
With this you could do some chopping. Like this: “My first clue that there were other super humans was when I met a guy who could control water and wind.”

( In our first battle he pumbled me, actually he almost killed me.)
Above, “pumbled” should be “pummeled.”

You really need to know when to use commas, semicolons and periods. A substantial problem is the huge block of text. It makes things hard to understand and it is overwhelming to the eye. Break things into smaller paragraphs and space them apart. You story needs a little work. It could really shine with some skimming and changing. All in all a decant story. Happy WdC anniversary!

219

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#4339347

Review of Maelstrom - Chapter 1

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(…it had the potential to go wrong in a very bad way.)
Quite frequently you can omit words. It’s pretty easy if you look for opportunities in your work to do so. Here you could change this sentence part to-“…It had the potential to go very wrong.”

(However, with the instruments humming contently,)
Here, I would use different words to state what you are saying. Maybe-“However, as she calmly listened to the quiet instruments working with a quiet hum, functioning efficiently,)

At this point I would say there is a lot of info dumping. Instead, weave the info through with dialog, action and thought rather than just narration alone.

("Sonny you up there?"
Turning to look at the electronic diagram covering the wall behind her, she wanted to see where the response came from. Sonny should be in the surface control room.
The diagram consisted of three main components; the Floating Instrument Platform or FLIP resembling an oil platform on the surface, the Grounded Ocean-floor Base positioned between the FLIP's three anchor pylons, and the Mobile Ocean-bed Laboratory known as Barracuda. A number of small green lights dotted the diagram, and Sonny's response should be accompanied by a green light blinking in the FLIP's control room.)
Here I am confused. At first it seems like Stephanie is talking then you say it is a response from someone else.

(navy choppers delivering containers,)
Navy should be in caps.

(People were speculating and the degrees of outrageousness seemed limitless. And even though she loved her job, she could not help but be distracted by the possibilities of what went on right under her nose.)
Here, you can easily show and not tell. Here I will put my suggested replacement in bold because it is more than one line long.
Have Stephanie talk to Sonny and put something like -”How do you like all those nuts who totally blow things out of proportion?” asked Stephanie.
“Even so, you put up with it because I know you love your job,” said Sonny.
Stephanie smiled slightly. “True. What also bugs me is how secretive the whole project is being kept. Aren’t you curious?”

(Her primary concern was to deactivate the non-critical systems.)
Here just change it to flow better. Like-“Her primary concern was to conserve energy which meant deactivating the non-critical systems.”

Like I said, this would be even better if you would talk and act things through. Your story was relatively easy to follow and very descriptive. I love how you insert that conspiracy element with the mysterious involvement with the Navy. All in all a good read! Happy WdC anniversary!!

220

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14 days may be credited.

#4336011

Review of Waves

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

I’ve never attempted prose. I do couplets. As such, I had to read through this a few times to absorb the beautiful, intelligent narration of yours. Lol. I like how you give a comparison of those who are at ease with life and those struggling with circumstances. The average Joe is like the latter.

(to the depths this ocean creates)
I like this line because the ocean could be several things: feelings, thoughts, society, pain and so on.

(teasing us
pushing us above
for one quick second
to just be sucked below again)
I take this to mean when short-lived pleasures like fame or false friendships. They both are real enough but they end in vanity. There is also the idea of lack of air when you’re submerged in the ocean. Life can drown you in problems and emotions. Just when you get a breath pf fresh air, mourning boggles us down. Nice lines.

(and I've put to much weight
upon my strength
turning it into the anchor
that I have let down)
I take this to be self-affliction coming from over exertion. It gives the grim, hard state of despair at its worst when in the end we give up.

Great poem; very true and relatable. It was short and concise. The last line really makes me feel the doom of the “anchor” that becomes of our futile efforts to succeed and we give heed to failure. Nevertheless I believe that one can stay buoyant if he or she keeps trying and does not give way to adversity. This was a great poem! Happy WdC anniversary!

221

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14 days may be credited.

#4335987

Review of The End of the Graveyard Shift

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

("How's it going, Pauly? How was your night?" The older man grinned down at his employee.)
This line really shows the boss’s stuck up attitude with the tag. Nice.

There is really nothing to indicate where Pauly is at, who he is, or what he is-an elf. I would add some stuff to indicate at the beginning paragraph to hint these three things. As it is, the only thing that shows these is the mention of Santa. Other than that, it appears to be an average Joe working at a regular office.

("It's your funeral." Pauly tipped his hat to Mr. Claus and headed home.)
This line confuses me. Wouldn’t “Mr. Clause’s home be the North Pole with his elves? Also I am not sure what Pauly is at this point-human or elf.

All in all this was a snazzy, tight little depiction of a classic office situation, whether it be a human or an elf. Given the space, this was not rushed and was clear and concise. Like, I said, it was nice little glimpse of a fascinating account. Happy WdC anniversary!

222

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#4334545

Review of My Lonely Heart

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(The way his body moves just puts me in a trance, he's perfect in every single way... His eyes a beautiful green met with mine almost as if he sensed me looking at him,)

(Here, put a semicolon in the place of the comma and capitalize “he’s.” Next put “His” in lower case. Finally, put two commas in the last part to make-“…his eyes, a beautiful green, met with mine almost as if he sensed me looking at him,”

("May, he's looking right at you act naturally.")
Here, a hyphen is needed after “you.”

All in all, this was a gem of a story. It was not rushed or sloppy. The ending confuses me though. It appears May is supposed to be talking with Heath Bright; the one she is in love with. But then May addresses him in third person to another individual. Anyway, this was very nice and it gave me a brief but fascinating account of a love story. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

223

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14 days may be credited.

#4334318

Review of When Gods Die

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(The day dawned with a muffled light, the sun hidden by one dark cloud that covered the entire sky and cast a dark shadow across the entire plain.)
I would not use the word muffled here. Muffled usually pertains to sound. Maybe something like-“The day dawned with filtered light” or ”…patchy light.”

(…row upon row of fierce warriors, looking out across the semi-darkness in anticipation of what was to come.)
Here, semi-darkness is stilted a little. Change it to something like-“gloominess” or maybe go a step further and say-“twilight.”

(The Asgard warriors had come to do final battle with their mortal enemies, had brought their own light to shine on this, the last day of creation.)
Here, in a very rare situation, the word “that” after “warriors” is needed. Then omit “had” after “enemies.”

(Odin stood proud at the front of the line, along with Heimnal , with his two handed sword of justice, Thor and his hammer of vengeance, and Baldur, with his glowing inner light.)
Here, “with” is used to many times close together. Maybe put it like-“Odin stood proud at the front of the line, beside Heimnal , who possessed his two handed sword of justice, Thor and his hammer of vengeance, and Baldur, with his glowing inner light.”

(dripping poison from its very mouth.)
Omit “very.”

(…fear and anger warring in is body,…)
Here, use feelings and emotions to show the fear and anger of Mjolnr.

(Suddenly a thousand horns sounded and the inner light that the Asgardians had held in check shone…)
Above, “held in check” is out of place. Asgardians would not use that term.

(Elves and dwarves screaming in agony, Ice Giants melting before the solar like heat that flowed from the Asgardians.)
Here, the sentence reads wrong. Instead of present tense. Also, join “solar” and “heat” with a hyphen to make “solar-like.” It should read-“Elves and dwarves screamed in agony as Ice Giants melted before the solar like heat that flowed from the Asgardians.”

(Odin, the Allfather, sped quickly to intercept the Fenris wolves, knowing that they above almost any other of the enemy must be quelled if Asgard was to survive. Heimnal, Rushed forth with glowing sword raised high, cutting down all before him until he reached the Snow Giant King, shouting his defiance he engaged the frozen mammoth knocking him backwards with his fierce approach.)
With this, ditch the adverb quickly. Something like-“sprinted” or “darted” instead.

(Heimnal, Rushed forth with glowing sword raised high, cutting down all before him until he reached the Snow Giant King, shouting his defiance he engaged the frozen mammoth knocking him backwards with his fierce approach.)
Above, remember that a clause always modifies the noun right before it. Here it sounds like the Snow Giant King is shouting defiance and is engaging himself, the frozen mammoth. Also, “sword of justice” should be in caps. also I think it would simplify things if you broke the sentences in two. Instead make it something like-“Heimnal, rushed forth with the glowing sword raised high that cut down all before him until he reached the Snow Giant King. The holder of the Sword of Justice shouted his defiance as he engaged the frozen mammoth knocking him backwards with Heimnal’s fierce approach.”

(Odin found himself surrounded by 10 giant wolves, all with teeth longer than his fingers and most standing as tall as or taller than his magnificent height.)
With this, you could do some chopping to make it-“Odin found himself surrounded by 10 giant wolves, with teeth longer than his fingers, most as tall or taller than his magnificent height.”

All in all, a good read that could easily be even more epic and picturesque. Just go back and redo somethings a bit. I thought this had very “Clash of the Titans” feel to it with powerful monolithic beings-very cool! Good job and Happy WdC anniversary!

224

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#4334299

Review of Please Don't Let Me Die

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

( Fear gripped me, paralyzing my muscles,…)
Here, to better carry the effect of fear, omit “Fear” and put something like-“My stomach tensed as my muscle paralyze in the wake of the droning blackness of death.”

(My tears were streaming freely down my cheeks; dripping off of my chin and forming tiny puddles at my feet.)
This is an excellent line where you use sight and feeling to portray your sadness. Nice.

One thing I wonder is how you are suddenly unable to move and you are about to die, and you write paragraphs full of slow, coherent contemplation and action. How are you able to do all that when you actually dying and becoming stiff at the start?

(…would force oxygen into my burning lungs; but, it was to no avail.)
Here I think you need a hyphen where the semicolon is.

(Fear tightened its grip on me as I crawled back…)
Here, describe how fear grips you.

Your 7th paragraph really makes me feel the hurt for you because of your patronizing, uncaring family and friends. You said you were dying for heaven’s sake! You’d have to be quite desperate to say that for attention. I won’t show the paragraph as it will just clutter up the page needlessly.

(Man, not only did I look like a plucked chicken; I felt like one also! I could not stop laughing because I felt so ridiculous!)
I like this line because, even though you were going through all of this, you were able to laugh! The Bible says laugher is good as medicine.

(…left for a few minutes as he sewed up my heart.)

This was superb! You really displayed emotion in a powerful way. I’m blown away how you carried the account fluently forward while weaving in the details and thoughts that you had. You made me sad and forlorn in the first few paragraphs that salted to the end where my heart swelled with joy. You definitely deserve the ribbon. So much that I think what you shared deserves another ribbon. This was a tremendously deep and moving story! Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

225

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14 days may be credited.

#4333681

Review of Kaine

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(There were two ladies behind the desk at the school office. One had stationed herself as far away from the door as possible, which looked pretty difficult considering the room was so tiny. The other was a wiry, elderly lady with smile wrinkles around her lips. This second woman was the one who queried what she was doing at the school.)
Here, clarify who the “second woman” is. It sounds like you’re referring to the elderly lady. If that is the case, we know she is the second lady. Make it simple and make the last sentence-“She was the one who queried what she was doing at the school.

(The lady's mouth crinkled. There went the wrinkles./ Ahh! Wonderful. Let's see - we received a file yesterday...)
In the second paragraph you say the elderly lady had smile wrinkles. Then it seems you say “there went the wrinkles” as in they left. It sounds like she is no longer smiling. Then she gives a hearty, friendly reaction when it appears her attitude suddenly became negative from her fallen smile. To avoid confusion say something like-“The lady’s mouth crinkled and the wrinkles formed.”

At this point I think it would be easier to read if you gave the two women names. The simplest way would be name tags. Then have Rebecca mention them in the narration.

("Oh." She found the words "previous school", once popping up frequently enough, could be quite an annoyance. The lady at the back clearly agreed. She went back to typing away on the large computer on the desk in front of her.)
Above, show signs of how the lady at the back “clearly agreed.” This is describing a thought process in the lady’s head. We are looking from Rebecca’s POV. \Put something like something like-“The lady at the back grinned and nodded to herself.” If this does not fit right just chop it altogether. How can the lady appear to agree with something Rebeca is thinking?

(Rebecca swore she saw the other lady at the back roll her eyes as she walked out of the room.)
This is nicely done. We see the lady’s sarcastic cynicism clearly demonstrated.

(She wasn't sure what to expect as she quietly opened the door…)
Try to avoid adverbs. Instead say something like “nudged the door” or “inched the door.”

(There was a faint-looking male teacher that was writing on the white board and shuffling papers at the same time.)
Here, what do you mean by “faint-looking male?” Also you can take “at the same time” and chop it. We know is happening simultaneously.

(She gave an uncertain smile,)
Here, use actions and descriptions to describe the” uncertain smile.” Maybe something like-“She lowered her head and blushed with a smile that barely creased on her lips.”

(She looked around quickly.)
Once again avoid adverbs. Put something like-“Her eyes darted around her” or you might use a simile to make “She glanced through the room like tornado.” I suppose you could do this with an adverb but I would use it sparingly.

(She took the one near the front with the less-than-screaming people.)
This stilted. Put something like-“She took the one near the front with the less boisterous students.”

(…but she looked at Rebecca with frightened eyes.)
Show, do not tell she was frightened.

Overall this was a nice account of teenage emotions and situations that fascinated me. I really got the sense of awkwardness of Rebecca in the new school. My impression of her was a quant and tender soul. Also I would space the paragraphs. The huge block of text is overwhelming to the eye. Nice job and happy WdC anniversary!