The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!
(The dinner dishes are patiently waiting for me in the yellow sink, they need washed, dried, and put away.)
With this, a semicolon is needed where the first comma is. Next, the part after where the semicolon is supposed to be should read-“;They need to be washed, dried and put away.”
(“Lisa, will you remind me to check on Kris tonight.)
A question mark is needed at the end.
(“What was that all about? I thought you were going to drive Kristen crazy with all those questions.” David my youngest brother looks at me with lines burrowed into his forehead.)
Above, I would put the tag after the dialog first.
(“She drew a picture of her Dads family and on the Grandpa she left out the nose.” I explain.)
Here, I don’t know what you’re saying. Also, “Dads” should be “Dad’s.”
(“You guys stop it! I don’t believe it, that would be to uncanny” I chastise.)
Here, I would choose another word than “uncanny.” It sounds awkaward.
(“You know what I heard once. I heard that the devil is as powerful as God!” David’s piercing blue eyes, stare into me.)
With this, a question mark should be where the first period is. Next, omit the comma.
(“No way, David it can’t be every time.” I say glancing down at my cards on the table, the four of hearts, four of clubs, and the four of diamonds, now seem magnified under the dim light.)
Here, the last part should be “…, and the four of diamonds [that now seemed] magnified under the dim light.” The needed words are in brackets.
(Lisa looks at me with her hazel eyes, dark skin, and long brown hair, and stretches, “I am getting tired of playing this funky old game.” Lisa yawns, and throws her cards in the middle of the table. Collecting all the cards from the table I return them to there case, not knowing that would be the last time I ever played rummy.)
with this paragraph, it sounds like her “dark skin and long brown hair are looking at Jenn. Instead , make it something like-“ Lisa looks at me with her hazel eyes accented by her dark skin, and long brown hair, and stretches,…) next “there” should be “their.”
(David now standing in the small paneled living room, hands in his tan kaki pants, with one of those, we have to talk, looks on his face. “You know what Jenn, I have woken up at 4:44 for the last three nights,” David stares intensely at me.)
With this, something should be done with “, hands in his tan kaki pants, with one of those, we have to talk, looks on his face. I think David’s supposed word should be in quotes like this-“…with one of those “we need to have a talk” looks on his face.” Also “kaki” should be “khaki.”
(My six-month-old orange and white kitten jumps up on the arm of the couch her green eyes bulging at me, her ears laying flat against her skull.)
Here, the word “with” is needed between “couch” and “her.” You could also use a punctuation mark too. It could be a semicolon, a dash or soothing else. I’m not sure. Lol. Lastly, the comma might not be correct.
(“David give me a minute I have to put her outside she is acting crazy. I think she will be okay. What is wrong with her she never acted this way?”)
Here, a comma should go between “minute” and “I” as well as between “outside” and “she.” Another one needed between “her” and “she” in the second sentence.
(Swirling around and around in the middle of the living room, was a white mist. I feel myself drifting away. A younger David is standing in the middle of the mist. His blonde hair is pure white. He is staring out of a small window. White thin curtains are blowing softly inward. Clear deep blue sky is all that is outside. Behind David moving slowly towards him, I see two lightning bolts of gold. Behind the golden bolts, are two white eyes? The wind is constantly blowing. The mist is evaporating. Lisa begins pulling frantically at my arm she is saying, “Jenn that’s it, that’s it!” I try to focus on her face but she seems so far away. Our eyes lock onto each other’s but only for a brief moment.)
Excellent reflective paragraph! Very nostalgic!
(I roll over and look at the clock it is 9:30 am.)
A semicolon is needed after “clock” and “it” should be in caps.
(“I’m up honey.” I say. The bedroom door burst open, and in runs, my special blue eyed girl with faint freckles covering her nose and cheeks. Placing her hands on her hips,)
Above, omit the first two commas and make the last comma a period.
(…I put it on hoping to stop the shaking inside of my.)
Here, I think you just meant to put “head” or “mind” at the end. No biggie.
(“Well no wonder he is crying” David giggles. Laying his head back in the brown recliner, feet raised, hands crossed over his stomach. Distinct dark circles under his eyes. Obviously, he did not get much sleep. More then likely he did not get any sleep.)
Above, combine the last two sentences to make it simpler like so-“Obviously, he got little or more likely no sleep at all.”
I think most if not all of the problems could be spotted by a one or two quick proofreads. Also, put spaces between dialog and paragraphs. The huge block of text is overwhelming to the eye. A little tweaking and this could be even more captivating. It has good potential. Happy WdC anniversary!
 
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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