brom21's (ion_7) Reviews

brom21

Review Requests: ON

1,587 Public Reviews Given

1,588 Total Reviews Given

126

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4424182

Review of Dark Night

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Never the less, is it still possible…)
Never the less is one word.

( Danny pierced his lips together and began to whistle.)
“Pierced” should be “pursed.”

(He stopped just as quickly as he started; not from the sound that was trying to creep from his mouth, but from another sound that started from outside his walls. At first, it sounded so distant; so far away.)
Above, I believe the first semicolon should be a dash because what follows in not a complete clause. The same way goes with the second semicolon.

(His body froze in udder disbelief…)
“Udder” should be “utter.”

This was very well written. You gave a nice touch with the flashback. Despite all the complex exposition and thoughts, this was very easy to follow. I always look for that in a story. I think your strong points are by far action and description. I loved the lighting and the thunder as well as the final scene of the story. Where did you get the idea for this? Anyway, this was sublime and enthralling. I wish you a happy WdC anniversary!

127

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#4423825

Review of A Permanent Solution

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(…over Mobius… and another day where he was got away to plot again,…)
I think you meant to say-“…and another day when he got away to plot again.

(Tails shuddered at that thought, he was never one to suggest killing as a solution, that was more of what Shadow…)
Here, the commas should be periods or semicolons.

(“I wish that there was something I could do to stop this,” Tails thought to himself, he got up from the table…)
Above, thoughts should be in italics. Also the second comma should be a period.

(“How did that get in here?” He asked, he went up to it and picked it up.)
It seems you frequently use commas where periods and semicolons should be. The trick to knowing when to use them is when the clause is a complete sentence. If it is, use these one of these two punctuation marks. Henceforth, I will leave the changes to you from now on.

(“I should get changed, I can’t believe that using a gun made me so dirty,” Tails thought to himself.)
Again, thoughts go in italics.

(He turned to the Glock, to see that…)
Explain what a Glock is.

(“Uzi, uses 9mm ammo, can hold 32 rounds, fires at 600 rounds a minute, with a range of 200 meters,” Miles smiled as he remembered the information,…)
Once, more, use italics for thought.

(“Nova, a pump-action shotgun that shoots 12 gauge pellets, it has a 4+1 internal magazine,”)
As with using commas and semicolons, remember thoughts go in italics. Now that you know this, I will leave you to correct thoughts that should be italics.

(Looking at his gun rack, he noticed that he had an M16 Assault Rifle.)
Here, you can do some chopping. Put something like this-“He had an M16 Assault Rifle on his gun rack.” Always try to say what you want to say in the fewest words.

(She nevered listen of course…)
This is backwards. It should be-“She never listened of course…)

It’s obvious you’re a younger writer, so I’ll give you leeway. If this account was taken as it is, it would have been harshly judged. I was in a similar situation when I first wrote. But don’t worry; you’ll get better with practice. This was also a little hard to follow. Don’t sweat it. You’ll improve. Happy WdC anniversary!

128

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#4423266

Review of Symbolism

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Nice poem and good use of the rhyme scheme. Thank you also for the brevity of each line. It’s more readily absorbed when things are aptly put. The last two stanzas were terrific to end with! You finished it with an expression with God’s ultimate control and faithfulness. I loved how you used the ring as an object of symbolism and emphasis. Poetry is not my main forte. I am pretty much a fiction person. Nevertheless I can recognize a great poem when I see it. This was beautifully put! Happy WdC anniversary!

129

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#4421678

Review of Pay back

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Man, talk about rage! You really put me in the mind of Jamie. Pete got what was coming for him. I could almost feel Jamie’s relishing every moment that the house burned. I would have like to have seen Pete’s reaction when he got what was coming for him. Maybe you could add a short paragraph of Pete getting busted and seeing him either turn into a baby or totally lose it. The only thing I would suggest is to space out your paragraphs. The single block of text is overwhelming to the eye. Anyway, you really got to my emotions by the neck. Kudos for that. I hope you continue to write such versatile work. Happy WdC anniversary!

130

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#4421495

Review of Death of Happenstance

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

If I could choose one underlying word to encapsulate the essence of this, it would be articulation. You have a good grasp on the process of explication. Your title was quite sublime as well. For how short this was, you inserted a lot of emotional conveyance. Great job with that! I like how deeply you describe how you are at odds with the other person on a few levels. He or she comes across as quite repugnant. Happy WdC anniversary!

131

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#4421493

Review of a step forward

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

As with all poems of miniscule content that are just a dozen or so words long, it’s hard to really get a deep emotional yield. However, such poems can be amplified with such brevity. The feeling I get from this is on a surface level. I didn’t quite get the message. Perhaps it’s mean to be up front and plain. All in all it was unique. Happy WdC anniversary!

132

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#4421287

Review of Going Piece By Piece

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was so brutally honest and beautifully articulated! Each sentence resonates with a desperate longing and an exposed heart. I have no suggestions for improvement! When it comes to the “love” element, I shy away. But this was one of those truly moving and appealing works about the sad side of romance. The feeling of apathy was quite present and affective. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

133

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#4421279

Review of The Broken Figure

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(“You broke it, you fix it” said the man behind the counter.)
A comma geos after “it.”

One good thing I found is that the content fit well with the relative brevity of this story. It was a short, sweet glance at the heart. It really makes this piece linger in the mind. The snowy environment is very vivid and fits the theme. But Kyle’s heart deserved to be broken. It was quite malicious. Thank you for sharing this little excerpt of the heart of a broken soul. Happy WdC anniversary!

134

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#4421015

Review of Getting Older by the Minute

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Great poem! I loved the humor! My bro just began losing his hair at age 37. He envies that my hair is still full and that I don’t have much of a receding hairline. I told him I could be next. LOL. My favorite lines were the last two. Quite vivid and aptly spoken. You definitely have the funny gene! Happy WdC anniversary!

135

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#4420858

Review of The Treasure at Star Mountain

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Jesse and Lucy yelled for Charlie to come on.)
Omit “on.” Chopping, no matter how small, helps.

(…exclaimed Jesse his eyes twinkled with pure...)
Put “as” after Jesse.

(Let's check the window!" Lucy suggested.)
A quotation mark should go before the first word.

("I'm sure we'll be fine." Charlie looked up with innocent eyes.)
Here describe what innocent eyes look like. Maybe-“glistening eyes” or “twinkling eyes.”

(Lucy grabbed the kettle of hot water off the stove and poured some in the sink. She poured in a little cold water from the pump so she wouldn't burn her hands. She washed the glasses they had drunk their milk in. She washed the bowls and silverware from their oatmeal breakfast; finally she washed the oatmeal pot. Jesse rinsed the dishes and Charlie put the dishes away. Lucy wiped the table up and folded the dish cloth on the freshly rinsed basin.)
Here, you sue “she” too many times in succession. Say something like “little girl” or “eager child” or what have you.

(All three changed as quick as a flash.)
Above, just say “All three changed in a flash.” Like I said, chopping whenever is good.

(…came out to face Grandma in their sock feet.)
Here, say “socked feet.”

(I should have done better." He sighed, "We were just so curious about…)
Here, a comma should go where the period is. Next turn the comma to a period.

(She put his pajamas on and called for Lucy.)
Here, you seem to change genders when you say “She put his pajamas on…”

(I put the lock on the spring house",)
Here, the comma comes before the quotation mark.

I had such a wonderful time watching Lucy, Jesse and Charlie go through all the shenanigans. It was so cute and adorable looking through the viewpoint of children. You had a very good atmosphere. I really got the feeling of being in an old southern living place. For some reason the picture of a honey-golden sun over the land and fields if grain. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

136

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#4420709

Review of Inspire

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Hmm…a peculiar poem. I liked how short each line was. It was a little hard to get. The description really helped. I would suggest you split this up into stanzas. On the other hand you might have made it one long piece purposefully – to what end, I don’t know. The couplet rhyme scheme was nice but it was not completely concise throughout. Again I don’t know if you intended this. The meter was awkward at points but it didn’t get in the way very much. Nevertheless, your feeling and message was beautifully rendered. All in all a great poem. Happy WdC anniversary!

137

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14 days may be credited.

#4420706

Review of Always Smiling

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Great story man! It was thought provoking, easy to follow, and made me want to giggle at times. It was so short yet you chose the right words to convey your intentions and references. I found no errors at all! Kudos for that! You do make a good point. Just smiling won’t make you feel very much happier. It is scientifically proven, smiling will make slight happiness but nothing like true happiness. I love the sarcasm and detached mood too. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

138

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14 days may be credited.

#4420702

Review of A snowman cares about our memory water

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Excellent poem. It was very articulated and sublime. More than anything it was visually tantalizing. It had chilling affect at near the end. The explanation in bold helped me to understand and enjoy so it was smart to put that at the top. Your last line is very cool (pun not intended) and emotionally satiating. Making it only two words make this linger in my mind. It leaves me at a loss. I see this is published. Good job with that. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

139

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#4419231

Review of haiku:SPRING GRASS

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Very nostalgic and concise. The brevity only makes it linger in the mind. I recall when the Poem a Day was still active. The creator was a friend of mine. Anyway, I looked at the bloggers selection and I saw it is your WdC anniversary. I wish you the best with your writing and reviewing!

140

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14 days may be credited.

#4416755

Review of Reunion

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Very nice poem. I liked the repetitious last line of every stanza. There is probably a name for it like how you began each line with “I’ve.” You had a nice emotional transition with the last stanza starting with “You’ve.” It switches the blame and responsibility to the other person. I think you showed how time can greatly alter a person through experiences. The repetition reinforces the flow and content. It sticks in my mind. Once again, great format and happy WdC anniversary!

141

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14 days may be credited.

#4416740

Review of Tornado

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

I can really see this being a great poem. But it lacks some of the most important elements that define a poem. This reads more like a large paragraph put into lines. Also there is not much emotional content. I would throw in some metaphors or similes as I think it would be the easiest way to put in emotion. Finally I would put in individual statements for every one or two lines. Really try to express and show rather than tell fear or panic. It would be so simple to make this a very good poem. Happy WdC anniversary and keep improving as I know you will!

142

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#4416494

Review of Jake's fat story/1/Summer holidays

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This story lacks a few things. There should be more emotion like shame, anger at other people, sadness and depression from being isolated for Jake’s weight. Perhaps you could give some scenes where he is ridiculed. As it stands, the story is a little mundane. Spice it up a bit. Some bitter internal dialog would go well. Finally, I would space out paragraphs and dialog. It’s easier to read. Happy WdC anniversary.

143

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14 days may be credited.

#4416493

Review of The Lantern in the Distance

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(It also looked like someone was passing their hand over the flame repeated times to catch his attention.)
The meaning of this sentence is unclear at first. I had to go over it twice slowly to get your description of the scene. I would reword it to something like-“The figure of a hand covered and uncovered it, as the light shone on and off.

(Childish curiosity piqued, he walked toward the lake's edge and saw that the light seemed to retreat backward with every step he took.)
Above, the comma should be a colon.

(Just as he was about to turn and go back into the house, however, an older man with a gray beard and a peculiar smile approached him.)
Here, omit “however.” It is unneeded. Also where is the man approaching from?

("Hello there, Thaddeus," he began, eyes pools of black ink.)
Very cool description of the old man’s eyes!-very vivid and creepy!

( "Well, first of all you need a key." A door suddenly appeared by the lake's edge, ornate and just his size. Thaddeus watched in awe before turning his attention back to the old man, who was now stroking his massive beard with slow, sure movements. "Once you have the key, you can go right to the will-o'-the-wisp, little Thaddeus. There is treasure to be found there, you know. Think of it as being a rainbow and I am the leprechaun.")
Way to start the paragraph with a mysterious, strange key! It sounds cool. The rest of the paragraph is alluring and ominous. I love the last sentence too!

( "Why, I'm Loki, child. It is a pleasure to meet you." The will-o'-the-wisp was just out of sight, moths collected around it as Thaddeus walked in place out of impatience.)
Nice out of the blue shocker with Loki. I know this man has mischief planned.

(Knock on the door and enter the key.")
Here. It sounds like Thaddeus is walking into the key. Instead put something like-“…and inserted the key.”

You had a pretty dark ending. Wonderfully put. I would try to be more articulate with the whole moths being souls. It was briefly mentioned. Maybe describe the transformation more. You could give more emotional reaction and thoughts too. In any case, this was ominous and visually serene at first and I loved how you changed the setting to instill the fear and panic of Thaddeus. Good job and happy WdC anniversary!

144

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#4416486

Review of The Sound Of Lonesome

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Poetry is obviously your forte – and you compose them masterfully. I loved your articulate and brief lines. It’s a general rule for stories to keep things brief and concise and in some cases I think it pertains to poetry too – this being one of them. This was a great piece of work! I love the flow and consistency of each stanza. It was cool how you began each one with “…To you...” Is there a term for this style? The different sounds were creative and it drew me into the overall feeling. Once again I am amazed at you work. Happy WdC anniversary and keep writing these great poems!

145

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#4416220

Review of Trapped

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Its mine, this life, Gods gift of time; You'll conjure Elvis before control of my fate)
“Its” should be “it’s” and “Gods” should be “God’s.”

(We were created by the very same God and held in the same esteem/Why would you try to own my life? You no have right to kill of my dream.)
Nice way of finishing the poem. The last sentence has good meter and it profound. Also you reversed “no” and “have.” It should be “…have no right…”

When you use such long lines, the meter can be inconsistent. Nevertheless, your articulate, sublime content more than makes up for that. It was a little hard to comprehend but like I said, it was beautifully written. What is this poem meant for?-is it a romantic other? is it a friend? God? Society itself? All in all a great read. Happy WdC anniversary!

146

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14 days may be credited.

#4415508

Review of Seven Months

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Excellent poem! Either you’re you’ve worked with this poem format a lot or you possess and inherent sense of such lucid, lovely art. What is the name of this style? I may have come across it once or twice I think but nothing stuck to me like yours did. It looks hard to compose. I felt like a leaf drifting in a moonlight forest similar to your first line. I can’t give you suggestions for correction or improvement as this is much more developed and arrayed than anything I can easily concoct. I am so impressed I think this deserves something special.

147

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14 days may be credited.

#4415424

Review of Meeting of Tears

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This is a brief and purely put poem. As such, there is nothing too deep to explicate as far as content goes. In that regard, I thought your poem was nice. My eyes always seem to gravitate directly to the body of the work and not the description. I really got better understanding after I looked at the description. I spotted places where I think some commas should be. I thought the 5th line could have been split into two as two separate things are mentioned. I loved the ending. It was quite cheerful and edifying to God. Happy WdC anniversary and write on!

148

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#4415243

Review of The Song

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was a great poem! Each line is short and succinct and they make good transitioning moods and thought. As the rule mentions, communicate what you want in the fewest amount of words. Your poem lingers in my mind leaving a nostalgic, lucid imprint. I like the second two lines of the second stanza the best- very fantasy-like. I’d love to see more of this use of metaphor. Great work and have a blessed WdC anniversary! Kudos!

149

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#4407856

Review of Unicorns are Evil!

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Ophelia responded by grabbing Hero's hand and dragging her across the resort's various…)
Here, it sounds like “her” modifies Hero and not Ophelia as his name is directly precedes “her.”

(…a valet rushed up to each woman and provided them with said vegetable.)
What do you mean by “said vegetable?”

(As it neared the birds suddenly loosed a barrage of droppings.)
A comma is needed after “neared.”

The temper of your work shows your keen sense of the written art. It is no wonder why you are a published author. It was hard to follow at times but it was just so sublime nevertheless. I’d also suggest putting in more magical occurrences especially ones that pertain to the eye. A well-practiced way to do this is to accumulate scenes off the top of your head and weave them into plot line. All in all this was veritably exceptional and well written. Happy WdC anniversary

150

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#4407630

Review of Suspended in Beauty

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was very beautiful. I don’t quite get why and how the narrator “time travels.” Is it metaphorical in some fashion? The flow was a little random and sporadic at times but your lovely message still came through. I don’t know what you mean by “Collectively Mankind” at the end meant but it still sounded cool I thought. LOL. I know this was a drifting musing of the mind but you should be able to express it more coherently. All in all a great read! Happy WdC anniversary!