brom21's (ion_7) Reviews

brom21

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1,587 Public Reviews Given

1,588 Total Reviews Given

151

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#4407000

Review of operation giant liberation

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(It is a very well known fact that in world war two Britain was looking for…)
Here, “well known” should be “well-known. Also it is traditional to say WWII when referring to the second World War.

(…way of defeating axis troops quicker what isn't as well known is project shrink…)
A period is need after the word “quicker” then put “what” in caps. At this point, I will just state to put periods after a complete sentence rather than showing every time one is needed. Also “project shrink” should be in caps.

(It had early success and was soon ready for testing in other rolls first on the list was possible covert ops the scientist had a very beautiful daughter called Nancy she was a very beautiful girl indeed who loved to wear nylon stockings and knee high leather boots her hair was a beautiful crimson her face the perfect shape and her assets were just amazing she could love like no other but she was also very deadly see she was one of the spies trained by the allies during the war and it was decided she should be allowed to test the new super weapon and after some training and a briefing she found her self slowly descending from the black sky by parachute. She was there for the head nazi officer in the area and finding him was no problem all she had to do was find a german soldier take him off into the bushes and show him some love and she had everything she needed so she tested the new weapon right there he soon dwindeled down and she picked him up and made a deal with him he stays in her bag as a pet he gets to live)
This part is way too long and incoherent! LOL. Like I said before, break things into smaller chunks and use periods. As this stands, this is almost impossible to take in.

(As she approached the gate a guard yelled out but it soon went silent as he shrunk, Nancy was amazed her daze soon wore off though and she sashayed over to were the guard had been raising her boot up over him like he was a bug she slammed it down making a sickening squelch .)
Above, the whole paragraph should read something like-“As she approached the gate, a guard yelled out but it soon his voice was obscured as he appeared to shrink. Nancy was amazed. Her daze soon wore off and she sashayed over to where the guard had been. Raising her boot up over him like he was a bug, she slammed it down, making a sickening squelch.” Again, see where I put periods in my version of your paragraph. Note sometimes you can use semicolons in place of periods.

("that was fun"she thought " but next time i must make it last longer.)
Here “that’ should be in caps and her thought should be in italics. No use of quotes needed.

(Placing them all on the table she grabbed the nazi and started to interrogate him but he refused to break no matter what she threatened him with. thinking hard a devilish smile spread across her face her sweaty smelly leather boots would make the perfect torture)
Above, I show how this can be made right. Instead you could have-“Placing them all on the table, she grabbed the Nazi and started to interrogate him but he refused to break no matter what she threatened him with. Thinking hard, a devilish smile spread across her face. Her sweaty, smelly leather boots would make the perfect torture.” Here you could see where you need periods.

("you wont speak hey well lets get your opinion after this")
Here, what you have above should be-“You won’t speak. Hey, well let’s get your opinion after this.”

(Dropping him in her boot she returned her smelly nylon clad foot and did the piece of foot wear up " ohhh he feels sooo goood in there but what to do with you silly German soldiers" )
Here, I think this is a small segment you can fix yourself from what I’ve shown you.

(Many thoughts ran through her head on how to torture and kill them stamping on them, make them worship her other foot, fart on them. So many decisions her tummy rumbled and this gave her a very evil idea swallowing some of them whole so she did dropping man after man into her hot dripping mouth realising she should leave she gathered the remaining men she dropped them into her panties which were already quite wet and left after a nap she decided to find a town with a room she could stay in but on her way down a country lane she noticed a tank battle going on)
Here what is above should read-“Many thoughts ran through her head on how to torture and kill them - stamping on them, make them worship her other foot, fart on them. There were so many decisions. Her tummy rumbled and this gave her a very evil idea - swallowing some of them whole. So she did. Dropping man after man into her hot dripping mouth, she realized she should leave. She gathered the remaining men then dropped them into her panties which were already quite wet and left after a nap. She decided to find a town with a room she could stay in but on her way down a country lane she noticed a tank battle going on.”

("i wonder" she said with an mischievous grin.)
Above, it should read-“I wonder,” she said with a mischievous grin.

I can see this working. But this has lots of punctuation problems, specifically the use of periods. There are some spelling issues too. Go back and tweak a little. Let the reader enjoy this as much as you do! Happy WdC anniversary!

152

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#4406983

Review of Castleman

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Everything flowed seamlessly from beginning to end. I loved the allegorical aspect of this story. Would any part of this be an allegory to God? It seems so with the last few lines. Have you ever heard of a story called The Pilgrim’s Progress? It is a Christian story completely made of allegorical characters. Just Google it. Back to your story, I loved the temper of your wording. It was beautiful. It was funny too. The child’s attitude is amusing and appealing. I found no errors, as is the case with shorter pieces. Thanks for sharing this little jewel!Happy WdC anniversary!

153

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#4406364

Review of The Fitness Contract

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

I can see this as being a new year’s resolution. Is suppose a contract would help to make and “iron clad” change in lifestyle. I loved how this was lighthearted and loose. The humor helped to relate the theme which was the process and struggle of weight gain and the battle to beat it. This was also easy to follow. The internal contemplations were a delight to read about. You really put me in her shoes. You had very clever use of the words that needed to be used too. Nice job! Happy WdC anniversary!

154

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#4406329

Review of Eclipse's Change Part One: It Begins

Review by brom21

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

In your fanfiction, I am familiar with everyone except Eclipse. Who is he? As for the story itself, I have some suggestions. First, shorten your sentences. It is hard to take in so much information at times. Next, put this into smaller paragraphs and put spaces between them. All in all, I think you did ample justice to the Sonic series. You have a good understating of it and you have a creative imagination. Happy WdC anniversary!

155

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#4406320

Review of Liz the mighty MEGA WOMAN

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Shew,” he thought as he waited a few minutes…)
Here, “Shew” should be in italics as it is a thought.

(Tom soon arrived at the junk yard. He stopped his car, turned it off and got out. He looked around.)
Here, as can usually be done quite frequently in any story, you can chop and say-“He turned off his car, got out and looked around.”

(“Fine. Sees once I turned into the Devine, all the pain stopped.)
This does not make sense. I think you meant for “Sees” to be another word.

(“Fine. Sees once I turned into the Devine, all the pain stopped. But that isn’t why I am here is it? I know you wanted me to change so I could make it here. Now, I will change back into Liz, or what do you call her, Super Liz, and you can help her control her new powers. I cannot help when in Liz form. And I apologize for her becoming more powerful and not being used to it. This happens when groups of people pray to me. It affects my host, and makes them stronger. It has ruined some in the past, but I believe this Liz is more than capable of handling this power. It was her wish from the start,” Mega Woman said.)
Here, you kind of info dump. Spread out the information through dialog exchange. That is what I do.

This was a good story, but sometimes you overwhelm me with vital information you kind of throw out and don’t expound. One method is to remind the reader by making characters restate it bit in a different way. Your chapter makes the rest of your book sound intriguing. I’d love to look at this again once you rework it. Good job and happy WdC anniversary!

156

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#4406068

Review of Vigilance

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(The speakers crackled with static, causing him to wince and the children to moan all the louder.)
It raining and there are speakers. I would say there is a tent or something over it.

This was a pretty good story. Why do you say Stephen’s child’s child would never know his grandfather (Stephen?) Is it because he would die in a war? I would clarify. You capture a lot of sadness and mourning from Stephen’s internal thoughts. Your description painted a crystal image of the setting and it bolsters the theme and mood. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

157

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#4406044

Review of Query Letter

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hmm…your query letter is very full of content. But it sounds more like a monologue. As with the story itself, use intrigue and emotion to bring in the publisher. For instance take what you have here-“ Galveston is the story of 16 year old Xavier; an innocent, optimistic, mulatto boy, whose unconditional love for a Caucasian girl in the year 1900 is threatened by both, his racist community and the incoming, ferocious hurricane rolling up the coast.”

Make it more tantalizing and perhaps put-“ Galveston is the story of 16 year old Xavier mulatto who’s tender heart has been ravished by a stunning, Caucasian girl. But his feelings are vehemently rivaled by the cruel, brainwashed racist persecutors where he lives in the biased 1900’s. At the same time it seems fate and time itself is against him as a ferocious hurricane is coming his way from the coast. With so much against him, will Xavier’s burning heart be extinguished or will true love indeed conquer over all?

It sounds like this has potential. Just do a little tweaking. Good luck with getting published! I hope you do!

158

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#4406003

Review of Monkeys; Naughty or Nice?

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Still, I found, to my distress, that those cute, little, furry guys hide a Dark Side.
I thought it was funny and intriguing how you put Dark Side in caps. It makes it sound more deliberately sinister.

Great illustrative recollection! It was very enthralling and amusing! One thing I liked was it was easy to follow and comprehend. And, there were no errors. Moreover, it was not rushed nor did it drag at points and it didn’t bore me with moot points or description. I would suggest describing a “sarong wrap.” I had to punch it in on my phone dictionary to know what it was. This was a great little story! Totally keep on writing! Cheers!

159

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#4404012

Review of I don't beleive in a broken heart

Review by brom21

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

I liked this. You really delve deep in expressing your brokenness and pain. I’ve never experienced such suffering with a significant other so I only have your words to go on. Your definitely in touch with your feelings. Nice job! Happy WdC anniversary.

160

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#4404005

Review of Set me free O broken heart

Review by brom21

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

The message given in your paragraph is a tough one. With love comes hate, with joy comes sadness, with light comes darkness. Sometimes the best way to avoid the roller-coaster of emotions is to just not feel at all – or so we think. I love your use of words. They are so sublime and expressive and very deep. To make it in this world, you have to be very strong. When things are too hard, we rely on faith, namely in God. Like I said the only time this happens is when we’re at the end of ourselves. Great work and happy WdC anniversary!

161

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#4403817

Review of Drivel (WIP)

Review by brom21

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

This was a little too obscure. You’re very gifted with words. What you have sounds cool and sophisticated but I would mix in some more simplistic words. As it stands, your point is very vague and garbled through the use of over complexity. Remember you have to “spell things out” more so with esoteric content. Happy WdC anniveserry!

162

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#4403811

Review of Tired of walking

Review by brom21

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

You really display your grief very well. Sometimes we just have to keep walking even when we’re very tired and ready to drop. During troubling times I wonder why I even try. But God puts us through these times to make us wiser and stronger. But it is a very painful process. But always remember we must forgive and forget other’s trespasses. In the book of Job he says “When I am tried I will come forth as gold.” This was very well put and honest. Thanks for sharing! Happy WdC anniversary!

163

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14 days may be credited.

#4403493

Review of In the Wrong Place

Review by brom21

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

To begin with a person would not normally be thinking about the dog making a mess, a teenage daughter while one is dying and in lots of pain and shock. It is possible to pull it off but you really have to make it prevalent to the scene. Try using the classic method of your narrator ha his life “flash before his life.” To do this, really get inside her head. For example you could have-“As I lay there bleeding, fleeting glimpses of my life passed before me. Everything was going to end here. I cried out, mostly in pain but also in regret. I also felt like I would never have a good time with friends and family.” After this just put down his memories and thoughts but stay with the dire sadness meticulously drawn out in his mind.

You did a good job the woman imagining parts of her life, both past, present and future. My main suggestion is to add more emotion and description of how she feels with the bullet in her and with her thoughts. As it stands, this is alright but it could be much more enticing and immersive with some tweaking. Happy WdC anniversary!

164

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#4403483

Review of In Honor of Nealcrest Black Hawk

Review by brom21

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

I liked this poem. I thought was very heart warming and clever. Another things that makes it good is how you speak to the reader. I seldom see this type of writing format as is it a little cumbersome to usurp in my opinion. This was very short and there is nothing to really critique as far as my own judgement goes. I only have praise. You mentally brought me into your home with all the content related to the senses like smell and physical description. You described a good amount of attributes of Chief and I really got a good feel of him. Keep up the great writing and happy WdC anniversary!

165

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#4402894

Review of The Big Itchy Yarn

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Hmm…unique piece, although I’m not sure of the purpose. I like how Pappy Walters south jargon is. It surely was an ear catching narration. Pappy is a little beside himself. He sounds like a very exuberant soul with all his exclaiming and grandeur. Like I said, I am drawn into the short account very easily. Needless to say, this leaves me hanging at the end but in a good way. All in all, a charming read! Happy WdC anniversary!

166

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14 days may be credited.

#4402306

Review of The Right

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(His fingers flying, he was a machine, Lewis traversed the keyboard he felt the words flowing through his fingertips, without him giving a single conscious thought towards what he was writing.)
Here, the punctuation is wrong. I’m pretty sure the second comma should be a semicolon. Also, the line after the third comma is written incorrectly. It may be a dash but I am not sure. Nevertheless, it does need changing.

(It was born, let it fly like it was always destined to do.)
Above, the sentence needs to be recast just a little. You could have-“It was born, ready to fly like it was always destined to do.”

At this point, I will identify something that happens a few more times your story. Whenever you have two clauses next to each other that are complete sentences, use a semicolon and not a comma.

Great story man! On the whole, the few errors did not get in the way of enjoying this grizzly tale. It was really freaky at times like when Mark started having nightmares. For some reason it was quite disturbing. So kudos for that dude. And there was, of course, Lewis’ transformation – very descriptive! This paragraph-(Lewis never understood where his stories came from, many times he would be in a restaurant or talking to somebody on the subway and in mid-sentence he would blank out, he would still be talking but his mind was far from wherever he was.)-was particularly frightening as well! You definitely have the horror gene! Happy WdC anniversary!

167

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14 days may be credited.

#4401979

Review of Fishing for compliments

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(Whenever we went out for a beer or two, he would talk endlessly about)
Here, you say “we” when you need to introduce yourself beforehand. Perhaps say-“My friend Holden…” at the beginning…”

(…he baited his hooks with pieces of sticklebacks, but that…”
This is fishing jargon. I would say sticklebacks are first.

(…just because of the fine quality of ist gills.)
Here, the end should be “its gills.”

(His beed sheets depicted a shoal…)
“Beed” should be “bed.” Also “shoal” should be “school.”

(The day I met her, I was giving a lecture at university.)
Good way to introduce

(No, she replied, I don’t mind if he smells like fish, just like I wouldn’t mind if you smelled of birds.)
Put dialog in quotes.

(…, I think you’re giving this matter an urgency it hardly merits, she said.)
Same as above here.

At this point, I will just remind you to put dialog in quotes for the dialog that follows here.

This was a very sad ending to a fascinating story. It was sad to see Peter give up his passion just for the woman’s dissidence when she left him. All in all, this had good flow and coherence throughout. I enjoyed it very much! It was well written and creatively portrayed. Putting this in first person was
definitely the way to go with your story. Happy WdC anniversary! Keep writing my friend!

168

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#4399386

Review of The Pendant

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

First, I congratulate you for making it into the Fantasy Newsletter editor’s picks!

(He walked away, with clenched fists as he sighed. "Should have guessed. All the fame, the king's praise, the princess...Mintho has them all." He punched the wall then sighed as he felt the blood between his fingers.)
Excellent display of emotion. I wonder if Tassilo’s jealousy will culminate into physical adversity. I would avoid using the word “sighed” so closely together. Maybe use something like “exhaled deeply” or “took a deep breath.”

(He still remembered that day. They were both still low on the chain of command when the messenger came. Bearing a message to Mintho from the king. Right in the middle of training he came and Tassilo watched Mintho walk away, only to return granted the rank of commander. They were best friends, both eyeing the same prize that watched from her window above the courtyard. But in the end he was always second best. Mintho named Tassilo his second in command out of respect and trust but no matter how hard he tried he could never leave his friends shadow.)
Nice allusion to the past. It grounds the reader deeper into the premise.

(He couldn't believe what he had read.)
Here, I would describe the kings emotion rather than just saying he was stunned.

(We need our men fully focused on fighting the enemy, not protecting their loved ones from invaders.")
This sounds a little heartless and anti-heroic. Put something like-“…but they had to fortify the kingdom and could not be kept inside its boundaries where their loved ones were.”

( Mintho turned to the king. "You have heard them your majesty. We plan to go with our without your blessing, to protect this place."
The king looked ready to lose his composure. "Then go, brave knights. I will pray for your safety and I hope when I send word of the armies return that you will be ready to come back to us. Please spend these last moments preparing yourself however you must." The men all left the hall, Mintho even retired to his room. Everyone was preparing for the day, except two people.)
Here, I’d think the king would be just a little bothered by Mintho’s defiance. Perhaps the king could get angry but then relent at Mintho’s logic after a brief bout of reasoning.

(As per the plan the knights started to unpack and set up while Mintho watched the horizon.)
What does the beginning of this sentence mean? It must be typo.

(Lets fall back immediately!”)
Above, I would say-“Let us fall back immediately.” It sounds more proper in the old era of the story.

( "Ugh...I am death...or at least a bridge to death..." He showed Mintho the lantern. "This lantern holds my spirit...when I was sentenced to this task my soul was ripped from me and put in this lantern, as long as it burns my judgment is prolonged...I can put off that judgment more by allowing the souls of the wicked to burn in my lantern. Sadly the souls of the damned do not burn long and I fear I do not have long before I pass on...so a new sinner can take my place and my soul is left to burn." After that he fell silent.)
Very cool and nostalgic explanation! It creates a kind of mystery to the plot. I love it.

(A wind filled the room, extinguishing all the light in the room.)
Here, the double use of “room” sounds stilted. Try something like “…,extinguishing every bit of light.”

I loved this! It was well written and entrancing. Moreover, it was easy to follow. Every sentence left me curios to read more. It was good how you foreshadowed Tassilo’s treachery with the early part showing his envy and bitterness. And as you can see, there were few errors. The ending was excellent! It left me with a forlorn but satisfying loss for words. It was semi-happy. Lol. This story deserves something special.

169

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#4399143

Review of Breaking the Silence

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

The thing about this poem is its brevity adds to the nostalgia and emotion portrayed. Its shortness also makes it linger in the mind. The meter is consistent and the couplets are fitting. Poetry is not my forte but I think my Great job and happy judgment is sound. You are a poetic master. Happy WdC anniversary!

170

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#4399137

Review of Hiding Sunflowers for the Future

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(For letting his crew mates mostly all die?)
This should be in quotes.

There are lots of dialog without quotes which makes it seem like you intended t do so. At first I did not understand that the time traveler is speaking without quotes.

Probably the most prominent thing about your story is the very realistic “voice” of the two conversers. It catches my attention. It was slightly tedious telling who was saying what at times but that was due to not recognizing what I realized above. I would find a way to point this out. You had a very unique and fascinating premise. It was well thought out. Great work man! Happy WdC anniversary!

171

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#4398889

Review of A blind man's Love

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

Poetry is not my thing but I think I can give a decent assessment from a general POV. Obscurity is a classic and effective method of composing a poem. But if weren’t for the description, I would not have caught the meaning. The meter is a little awkward at some points. Nevertheless, this was true and effective poetry. It was not just a monologue portrayed in lines and stanzas. That is something I do understand I’d like to think. I think the first couplet sounds off. Also, I am not familiar with your rhyme scheme if it was an actual kind of format at all. I did like it, but like I said, it is a bit too obscure. You did put in a lot of emotional content so good job with that. Happy WdC anniversary.

172

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#4398617

Review of The Trap

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(He coughed a little wiping his eyes and heard…)
Here, a comma is needed after “little.”

(…the faint sound of someone quickly running back upstairs.)
Just as a general rule, always try to avoid adverbs. Fore example, you could say-“…sprinting upstairs” “racing upstairs” or whatever else you choose.

(Angered, he started to chase after them managing to get the powder…)
Here, a comma should follow “…after them…”

(…out of his face but stumbled going up the stairs.)
Here, I would say “…but he was stumbling up the stairs.” This is because what you have sounds like the person has stopped on his way up. But later you say he was kept from going up from “falling over.”

(…seeing a strange tan colored material in his face.)
Above, how can the person see what color the material is when his eyes are covered? If the material is touching his nose, he has to be blinded by it.

(Confused, he sat up picking up the piece staring at it for a moment before remembering what happened before.)
Here, I would say-“picking off the piece,…” as it is “in” his face.

(…he said freighted starting to back away.)
With this, “frightened” is what you’re looking for. Then, put commas before and after it.

(…a few words he couldn’t understand, from her then suddenly he couldn’t move.)
Above, the whole sentence is garbled. I think you could just chop “from her.”

The introduction of the wizard, who is actually the narrator, is abrupt and a little irrelevant as things are. Also, you have a typo at the end which is the incomplete start of a new sentence. Go back and work on this some. It has the potential to be quite captivating with more showing of emotion and contemplation. Happy WdC anniversary.

173

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4398068

Review of Straying Away From Home

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(That's when the evil man was on the prowl. One of his brothers was taken by this bearded fiend and was never seen again.)
Here, the reader is given a scant description that leaves more to be expounded upon concerning the “evil man” or the “bearded fiend.” He plays an important role in the story but he is pretty much just mentioned.

(Darkness was falling and starvation was settling in.)
Above, “starvation” is a little strong. I would just put “hunger.”

(Street after street Tom barreled down but to no avail.)
With this, his barreling done the street is to no avail when what you mean to say is that his escape was to no avail.

(He goes around to the back door and finds the owner taking out the garbage.)
Here, you switch tenses from past to present.

Like I said, I want to know more of this evil, bearded man. Maybe you could give a decent, short but informative backstory. For a very short story, you did a good job. I know such stories can be hard to put a beginning, middle and an end in it. But you pulled it off good enough. The very few inconsistencies did not get in the way of enjoying your piece. Good job and happy WdC anniversary!

174

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4397355

Review of Noble Family Legend

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(At that time, the female head of the family was pregnant with her first child. She was a very brash, adventurous woman, and continued exploring the family’s estate, despite being nine months pregnant.)
Here it sounds like the second sentence is describing the child. Change the first sentence to something like-“ At that time a certain woman with a child in her womb was the female head of the family.”

(…and spotted a faint glow coming from a little further down…)
Above, use the word “farther” because “further describes the degree of an idea or notion.

(She stood in awe of the glittering crystals protruding from the walls of the cave that emitted light, as if to serve as torches.)
Above, part after the comma is stilted. Instead, say something like-“…that lighted the tunnel like shinny torches.”

(…the crystals seemed to be cleanly cut with smooth sides, and the crystal itself was cool to the touch.)
Here, just simplify things and say-“… the crystals seemed to be cleanly cut with smooth sides and was cool to the touch.” As a rule of thumb, always try to say what you mean in fewest words.

(…,the woman took a few steps back as the old dragon lifted his head.)
Here, change “as the old dragon…” to “as an old dragon” since we are just introducing the beast.

( In a calm tone, the dragon asked the woman how she was able to break through his barrier. After she explained the sudden appearance of the cave entrance, the dragon let out a heavy sigh. He told the woman that his magic must have finally failed him. The woman approached the dragon slowly as the crystals surrounding them glowed brighter. She placed her hand gently on the old beast’s snout, and asked him if he was dying.)
This whole sentence needs actual spoken dialog and not just saying “he said, she said.”

(He said that he was making room for that human baby girl, and advised the woman to leave before her daughter entered the world.)
Again, say what the dragon is saying.

Overall, you need to show and not tell what is being said. There is a lot of info dumping. I did enjoy this but it would be a top notch fantasy if you did show creative ways to have the characters speak their minds. Also, act out emotion. I would have given this five and a half stars if it was re-worked and emotionally enriched. You’ll find, however, the story will lengthen if you use dialog. All in all, this was story has potential quality and nostalgia. Happy WdC anniversary!

175

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4395992

Review of To Raise Dogs

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This review is done to celebrate your WdC anniversary! Congratulations!

(“How can you be so calm?” The young pit bull looked up at his companion, a sable German Shepherd. He bowed his head, wincing and pulling his ears tight to his skull. “I wish this rain would stop.”)
Here, who is saying “I wish this rain would stop.”? If it is the Pitbull, you need to reword this.

My first suggestion is to separate the dialog lines and give simple nametags at the and like “..said the Pitbull.” Also it would help of you gave names to the Pitbull and the German Shepard in the first segment. It is a little confusing who is saying what.

(The coyote looked similar to his companion, almost a lankier lighter colored version of her.)
Here, its sounds like you are referring to the coyote’s companion twice with the use of “her.” In its place, put the female German Shepard’s name in.

(“What did you do that for?” Pig inquired.)
Above, there is lack of emotion when the coyote just got slammed.

(“He was fine! You think everything is dangerous. Like that kid that came over to play with us.”
“The one that opened the gate? He was dangerous.”
“He just wanted to play! What do you think he could have done?”
“I don’t know what his intentions were, just that they were bad. Adrienne locked the gate after that.”)

Here, it would help to assign names at the end. Once again, it hard to tell who is speaking.

This story was entertaining. But a lot of time you need to clearly indicate who is saying what and who is who. This was a charming little story but I would be even more enjoyable if it was a bit more clarified. Happy WdC anniversary.