I really enjoyed this story. I like how you structured it; the opening grabbed my attention right away. My favorite part was the paragraph in which he is blaming everyone else for his addiction. That was very good!
Editing suggestions:
"When we first started this they were fairly easy to overtake." - need comma after "this" to separate introductory phrase
"their brain." - brains
"What was going on? Why would they try to attack now, that was suicide?" - revise: What was going on? Why would they try to attack now? That was suicide! and you should italicize his thoughts
"get troops out there quick" - need comma after "quick"
"she couldn't understand that" - comma after "that"
"Now my mom is giving me a hard time about how much I do around the house." - mom should be capitalized, and I suggest revising this to: how much time I spend on the computer; using the phrase "how much I do around the house" makes me think that he is busy doing stuff, like mowing the grass and repairing things
"I am going to find a job and get out of this place after this last game." - suggest: I am going to find a job and get out of this place...right after one more game.
Overall, this is a nicely written story. It is most realistic and interesting.
How embarassing for you! I'm glad that you've recovered well enough to be able to share this story with us.
This is very well written. Your paragraphs flow nicely together in logical, interesting fashion. I enjoyed reading this; I hope it's okay that it made me smile?
Some editing suggestions:
"you never can" - you should keep your verb as close as possible to your noun: you can never
"I stood idly by" - comma after "by"
"scale a large fence to get away" - need semicolon after "away"
"blowing in the breeze" - you need a comma before "blowing" and a semicolon after "breeze"
"my dad" - Dad
"I left that day knowing two things;" - use a colon here, rather than a semicolon
This is another great, inspirational poem you've written. I like the message behind this one also. It flows from one line to the next very nicely. Good job.
I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors.
I recommend to you, however, that you use exclamation marks sparingly, if at all. If the poetry is written properly, there's no need to indicate excessive emotion by a exclamation mark, in my view.
I like the theme of this poem very, very much. It is so true that many of us have lost touch with nature which our ancestors had. Lost in a world of concrete and steel, we feel superior to the mysteries that exist in nature. And we are the ones that suffer for that lost connection.
You've expressed that very well in this poem.
My favorite part:
As the lattes and face creams obscure
The vestiges of a war cry far away.
What a marvelous use of words you created here! I loved those two lines very, very much!
I have two suggestions for you: One, you should use punctuation consistently if you're going to use it at all. Two, again, the irregularity of some of the lines interrupts the flow of the poem.
While I agree that we can learn much from the younger generation, I don't believe learning from the older one will ever "become a thing of the past." The older generation might not be as knowledgeable about hi-tech stuff as children are today, but they still have a wealth of information about life and people that we'd all do well to listen to.
This was very well-written. You stated your main point up front, and listed your reasons logically and coherently. While I don't agree with everything you said here, you did present it very nicely. Good job!
You've got the beginnings of a good poem here, but it does need some revising. First of all, you have quite a few of sentence fragments here. I'll give a couple of examples of how to fix them.
These hands of mine, the ones I adorn with bright polish and gold rings. The ones that are soft to the touch.
These hands of mine, I adorn with bright polish and gold rings.
These hands of mine are soft to the touch.
These hands are very special. These hands that are gentle when they need be and strong when it's required too.
These hands are very special.
These hands are gentle when they need to be but strong when it's required.
Also, you can fix most of the sentence fragments by removing the word "that" in them.
I also recommend that you either move your dedication to the beginning of the poem, or put the word "Note" in front of it so that the reader doesn't think it's also part of the poem.
Overall, this is a good start. If and when you revise, I'll be happy to R&R again.
This is a very powerful, very disturbing and thought-provoking poem. You've captured the atrocities of battle very skillfully, especially in the visual imagery you evoke here. It is full of emotion and horror. Great job!
Just one suggestion I have:
*baloon1* "the angel of death come on?" - shouldn't "angel of death" be capitalized, since it refers to a specific angel?
This is a well composed poem; the lines flow well and the rhythm of the poem is good.
Perhaps it is just me, but I don't really understand the point you are trying to make in your last stanza. It is unclear to me. I suggest maybe elaborating on that and making a clearer connection to your earlier stanzas.
This is a very beautiful inspirational and spiritual poem. I like very much how you describe the rite of Christening of the children. The poem flows perfectly from one line to the next, and the structure is wonderfully organized. I did not find any errors in spelling, grammar, etc. Great job!
I enjoyed reading this poem; it is very reflective on spirituality. Your word choice is also evocative of visual imagery. Good job!
One part confused me, however.
Lady With Umbrella I would have known
to be yours without a question. She has
the sentient look of one whose image is
forever deep and placid as your own.
Your pronouns are confusing. First you sound as if you're addressing the "Lady with Umbrella" and then you say "She" as if talking about someone else. I recommend you make your pronoun referents more clear.
Overall, it is a well-written, inspiring poem. I liked it very much.
You've got the makings of an awesome story here; the middle and the end of it was fabulous. But the beginning of the story needs some work. It starts off too slow, frankly, it didn't grab my attention. And in the first few paragraphs the story dragged. It didn't really get my attention until Charon entered the storyline.
In my opinion, you could improve the story by cutting out a lot of the description in the beginning of the story. For instance, readers don't really need to know about Zack's job in construction. I recommend that directly after the first paragraph in which Zack is sitting on the road, have him reflect on how he came to be there. Let him tell the story in his own words, through internal thoughts.
Editing suggestions:
"none of them had suffered much if at all." - need comma after "much"
"yet it wasn’t comfortable at all." - comforting
"He lavished the idea" - relished
"and a Shell Station" - at a Shell Station
"then reason to enter it." - than
"Not my real handle, though, ya ken?" - what do you mean by "ya ken"? That's confusing.
"made him breath easier" - breathe
"his throat hitching" - I think you mean "twitching"?
"Not gonna cry. Not now. Time to stand firm." - thoughts need to be italicized
"Ain’t a thing to be scared of any more." - anymore
“Not hell,” - Hell
Overall, it has the makings of a very intriguing, suspenseful story. If you could only get the beginning to be as full of action and suspence as the middle and end, it'd be perfect.
If and when you revise, I'll be very pleased to R&R again.
Wow, what a beautiful piece! It is awe-inspiring, so deeply spiritual. I loved this very much.
Besides the content, it is also extremely well-written. You grab the reader's attention right away with the little butterfly and hold it tightly as you move into your own comparison to the butterfly. An awesome job!
I have a few suggestions on punctutation for you:
"It sits quietly on the long, grey table, its unassuming brown" - you need a semicolon after "table" not a comma
"Out of misunderstood love and obedience I have accepted" - need a comma after "accepted"
"they cannot not see them yet" - delete "not"
"I will join you my friend and that will be a happy day." - need commas before and after "my friend" to separate direct address from rest of the sentence
I am giving this a five star rating, because, despite those few minor details, it is too perfect for it not to be other than a 5 star.
I really enjoyed this short story! You pulled me into it right from the start with your beginning, and keep my interest building all the way through. Great job!
Your characters are realistic and very interesting, the dialogue is believable, and the story moves along a perfect pace. You also balance description with dialogue very nicely.
I have no suggestions to offer on revising, but I did notice a few editing errors:
"Sometimes he would even sneak into to the little town" - delete the word "to"
“Humans can be so… so… human!” he thought" - thoughts need to be italicized, not put in quotation marks
"Which one was Lorn Wolnosci?" - italics
"Had that really been almost a year and a half ago?" - italics
"but had instead had pity on them." - but instead had pity on them
“Yes let’s,” - Yes, let's
Overall, this is very well-written. I recommend you expand on this; make a series of short stories!
This is another article I've been intending to read since it was first created. I was very interested and happy to hear about this program because it would allow me to have a portfolio that I could use professionally or educationally. There are many items in my other port that I'd never want my employers, professors, or family members to read.
While so far, I've been lucky enough not to receive any negative comments or "hate rates," I figured it'd be a good idea to read this and be prepared if and when I do.
You have some good tips for dealing with such comments; I'm very glad I finally read this.
An excerpt that is very well-stated and one everyone needs to be reminded of:
"When posting a work of writing publicly, one has to be willing to take the good with the bad."
This is very true. We all hope for the good, but it's the bad that thickens our skin and makes us better writers.
One error I found:
Paragraph 2: "most likely only trying to help." - you need a verb here: are most likely
Overall, another helpful and well-written article for the writing.com community.
I've been intending to read this article FOREVER; it's been sitting in my favorites waiting for me for quite a while.
Your guidelines have been very helpful; some of them I've kinda figured out on my own by seeing what other reviewers do in their own reviews. They must have read this article too!
A couple of pointers that are most beneficial for everyone to be aware of:
"Creating detailed feedback for a fellow writer is one of the best tools available for improving your own writing." - This is most definitely true! My own writing has improved leaps and bounds through reviewing the work of others.
"Even the greatest pieces of writing have room for suggestions and opinions." - Also, very true. There are only a handful of items I have come across that I could not find anything to suggest for improvement. I much appreciate receiving reviews that off serious constructive criticism; I get many that do not help much at all, but just say what they liked about it.
Some editing suggestions:
Under the heading "Your Own Review Format," 'consistant' should be consistent
Under "Make Reviewing a Daily Creative Writing Exercise," - "others' writing" should be either "other's writing" or "others' writings"
Overall, a very well-written, informative, helpful article for reviewers. Well done!
Wow, I enjoyed reading this tribute to your Grandfather very much. How terrific you got to spend so much time with him! My own Grandfather passed into the next world when I was only eight. How I would have loved so many more years with him!
A couple of excerpts I especially enjoyed:
"He always knew how much he had paid 10 years earlier for each of the pieces and parts." - I don't have many memories of my Grandfather, but I do remember he did this exact same thing!
"Without hesitation, he answered back that he had always shot up into the air and over their heads." - While I was reading through all your memories of your Grandfather, I was thinking what a wonderful, kind, funny man he must have been. When I read the above sentence, I fell in love with him. I am a devout pacifist, and this action was so extraordinarily courageous and beautiful. It touched my soul very deeply.
Now, I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't mention the typos I found, so here they are:
First paragraph: You have one instance in where "grandpa" isn't capitalized
Paragraph 9: "The switch board for the the" - doubled "the"
Paragraph 9: "atleast" - need a space
P9: "everyone of those wires" - every one is two words here
{e:balloon5) P11: "styrophone" - I think you mean styrofoam
{e:balloon1} P13: "and the like start to head upwards" - this phrase is confusing to me; I didn't understand what you meant
P13: "still infinitile internet" - infantile
P14: "It was the perfect challenge for him." - it doesn't need capitalization
P19: "next one liner" - one-liner
P20: "He spent twice the amount of time that I did on his feet," - this would be better worded as: He spent twice the amount of time on his feet than I did,
Overall, it's a beautifully expressed eulogy for your Grandfather. I'm rating it a five star even though there's a few minor editing errors, because I'm rather lazy, and it will save me from coming back later after you edit it to give it the five star that it most definitely deserves.
You are receiving this mini-port raid due to your extremely kind and generous donation to the EnduReviewing contest.
After seeing that title, how could I not read this item? I, of course, like free things as much as anyone else. However, I realize that Writing.com is a business, and does need money to exist. So I do not mind in the least supporting this site financially. What I receive from this site is a thousand times worth the dollars I give to it.
I much enjoyed your little "rant" over that particular complaint. My most favorite part:
"Sometimes, however, the planets correctly align, my moods meld together and I find just the right irritational essay to send me off on a rant."
I'm not sure that "irritational" is a real word, but what an exquisite string of words you have composed in that sentence! Mahvelous!
Another excerpt:
"We copy and back up your work to separate hard drives every few hours and to digital tapes weekly so we keep your thoughts and ideas safe - FREE!"
This is great! I did not know about this. I'm much impressed.
I chose this poem for your second review, and I'm glad I did. I like the content of the poem very much.
As I suggested in the other review, if you're going to use short, blunt sentences, I recommend you structure them as I illustrated before.
"Knowing to answer the phone before it rings, or to answer the door before someone knocks" - for this phrase, I suggest revising it into one word to fit with the others. Psychic would seem appropriate.
One other suggestion: Try to make this poem more visual. You could add one word adjectives and alternate them with your nouns such as:
Demons.
Fire.
Ghosts.
Fear.
Just my own opinion; remember I am most definitely NOT a poet. So take these suggestions with a grain of salt. Ultimately, it is YOUR poem, and only you can decide what's best for your poetry.
As requested, here is my review. My comments in color.
"Young. Willing. Driving the point home.
Children. Hope. Homework. Ringing bells. laughing children."
I like how you use single words here. I suggest you keep all one words; maybe use a synonym for the phrase "Driving the point home." Also I recommend structuring it differently, though. Maybe like this:
Overall, I liked this poem. It has much potential. Your use of single word sentences throughout strikes me as tremendously appropriate to the content of this poem. I have a teenage daughter, and she only answers me in one word most of the time. And that's usually "No"
I think you did an excellent job capturing the spirit of teenagers.
I loved this piece; it's very deep and emotional. You write about Bobby very eloquently. Great job.
I also liked how your structured this; with the quotes, the emails, and the personal reflections. You incorporated each of these into a cohesive whole. Very nicely done!
Some editing suggestions:
"Hemmingway" - only one "m" in his name
"to a accord" - delete "a"
"Private Contactor." - missing an 'r' in contractor
"As you read the latest death toll, the latest news of our victories. Think of Bobby, He's not a number." - you have a sentence fragment here; suggest revising it to: As you read the lastest death toll, the latest news of our victories, think of Bobby. He's not a number.
Overall, this is a wonderful statement of the devastation caused by war. I enjoyed it very much, and agree completely with your sentiments.
The best thing about this poem, in my opinion, is the way you play around with the form and structure. I liked the non-traditional manner of your poetry. It's very refreshing!
I also liked how you used repetition to emphasize certain words and phrases. It definitely made an impact upon me.
I could only find one error in your poem:
(I should have known-
that inconstant moon.)
Periods and other punctuation belong outside parentheses.
Write on!
Mary
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"When we first started this they were fairly easy to overtake." - need comma after "this" to separate introductory phrase
"their brain." - brains
"What was going on? Why would they try to attack now, that was suicide?" - revise: What was going on? Why would they try to attack now? That was suicide! and you should italicize his thoughts
"get troops out there quick" - need comma after "quick"
"she couldn't understand that" - comma after "that"
"Creating detailed feedback for a fellow writer is one of the best tools available for improving your own writing." - This is most definitely true! My own writing has improved leaps and bounds through reviewing the work of others. 
"He always knew how much he had paid 10 years earlier for each of the pieces and parts." - I don't have many memories of my Grandfather, but I do remember he did this exact same thing!